les' Blurty
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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in les' Blurty:

    Thursday, September 30th, 2004
    9:15 pm
    I have nothing to say tonight, not a whole lot anyway. I have been struggling for almost a year now trying to find a job. its strange, i am a very hard working person. i feel that i work as well as two or three people. not only that i have a lot of integrity in my work. i do my best at every job i do and always work towards perfecting my work. have never been fired from a job and feel that i give all of my employers the work and type of employee that they desire. yet i cannot get a job. i have been overlooked for lesser quality employees. people that dont show up on time. try to cheat and steal their way through their job. oh well i guess america isnt ready for quality people working or helping them in their businesses.

    One day though i hope to be able to show an employer the quality that they can get from someone like myself. maybe it's nafta or affirmative action i dont know. but i can say that all the people that say our economy is good and getting better daily most definately have jobs and havent had to look for one in quite some time.

    oh well i will use my spare time for the moment trying to learn and absorb as much as i can. something will break soon i do have faith in that. i guess that it is really getting hard for honest people to make an effort and voice in this society. peace to all.
    12:25 am
    i want to have faith that all humans are essentially good at heart and have the desire to be peaceful and giving and want to help one another without just trying to benefit themselves. i do it some times but i know that many do it on a daily basis and some do it as a way of life. maybe you are one of the people that want to do things better you want to make a difference but you fear the consequences of being singled out or left alone because of that.

    well, let me tell you, you are going to feel that way if you keep deceiving people, in fact it will last even longer, the lonliness and being singled out. maybe you have the wrong friends or hang around the wrong people. you must make a change or it will haunt you for a very long time. the sooner you make a difference the sooner your suffering will lessen and maybe go away. we all have to make the changes. i am doing my part to bring peace to the whole world. no it will not happen all at once. it will be one person at a time. hopefully, i will be able to use the valuable lesson that we have all heard of in network marketing, but i will be market peace and happiness. we must stop the killing and start loving and respecting each person for what they are. I know i have made some strong statements about how i feel about some of the ways people are trying to get over. but, i feel that these are some of the things that must be changed in order for our society to move forward. anyway. no more criticism from me i hope, unless you happen to be a liar or deciever of just ignorant. we need to wake up all the way around. peace and happiness and well being for the world. wouldn't life be just wonderful.

    Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
    12:32 am
    educate and learn
    i have been asking all the wrong questions. I am getting the answers though. answers that have always been there. i must put up with the ignorance the stupidity and the lies as long as i live. i must overlook all of that though. if i can offer help to get these people out of the dark i surely will but for some reason i think that it will take a lot more than i can offer. i guess for know i will have to go it alone, i hope that everyone will someday wake up and see what i have seen. i know that there is a percentage of the population that sees it as well but they feel they don't have the power to anything either but if we are all persistant that mabe in the end peace and happiness will prevail.

    as far as heaven and hell are concerned they are both contained right here on earth, in front of us every day in every decision we make. the heaven and hell that is in our minds and is controlled by the same. we create our own environment though. yes there are some influences that affect us, some are very extreme, some are not, but in the end could have more power than we really expected. but it is all here. right here. the earth is our domain, it has been since the dawn of time and will be here forever more. we have to learn to take care of what we have. we have to cherish it and love it. lets face it there is no other place to go. we have evolved with the earth, growing stronger and smarter, most of us anyway. it has always provided everything we need. any substance that we have every used or altered came from this planet. we have learned how to make our environment work for us and help us to live longer lives. but we are destroying the very thing that created us. even the bible says adam and eve rose up from the earth (if you believe in that theory) of course evolution is based solely on the same principal. this is our heaven and our hell. and we need to do alot more to take care of it. it will take care of us. and it will cleanse itself when needed. mother nature can sure destroy anything man has made. we need to make changes for our future, we need to everything we can to protect our resources. lets face the facts, oil is going to run out. there werent that many dinosaurs to produce the fossil fuels to last the life of the planet and we are surely using more than we are putting back. we have to have a new way of thinking. new ideas need to be researched. we have spent to much time and effort trying to deceive others. to much time lying, for what, in the end we are going to suffer for what we are doing now. i dont want to spend my future lives living in the dark ages which we should have evolved through and learned our lessons. but we obviously havent. i dont think there is a true way to prepare for the things we have done. our population has become to dependant on a few hard working people in our society that provide us the things that we need, food for one. how many of you can survive without the grocery store. do you think that you could last a week, two, a month, six, a year, two, decade without going to your local grocery store and picking what food you wish to eat. do you think you can stockpile for that long. do you think that you could hide it from your neighbors, friends, family. we have to make changes. can you survive without power for the same amount of time. through the coldest winters, the hottest summers. is your body strong enough to ward off the flu, colds, allergies, unforseen sickness that will no doubt be even harder to control. the bigger part of our society has become overly dependent on to many of the smaller services that ultimately control us. can you live without. you might want to learn how, educate yourself, be prepared. it will be massive mayhem, it will be a sight to see. the earth will cleanse itself. then again maybe not. can we possibly sustain a population twice the size we are now, it wont take long to get there. so much to ponder upon. i think it will be much more peacful living in the dark ages for a while. weed out the ones that are only leaches. the locust that move from hear to there taking what the can get and leaving desolation in their wake. knowledge is free, in fact it may be the only thing that will be forever free. can you use your knowledge to help you survive. no not your college education. i know many people that hold bachelors degrees that will be the first to perish without mcdonalds and an atm. i feel sorry for those of you that chose to live with your ignorance and stupidity, thinking that every thing will be ok and all we have to do is sit back and let it happen. we must take control of the situation that we are given and not rely on the other person to help out. lets face it our biggest most powerful instinct of all is self preservation. that means that i will do what is necessary to survive before you. i will help you though, but, i will if the situation requires protect and preserve my family first. you know that if i dont then how can i help you. get the picture. probably not, not at the moment anyway. maybe like that prisoner that becomes a christian and a meek servant of whatever has him locked behind bars, at least for that time that he is there.

    i just love rambling on and on. my fingers never seem to run out of breath and i never seem to run out of thoughts and ways to keep my mind sharp. i hope you do the same. i hope that you will take oppurtunities to learn ways to preserve the things that we value most and quit wasting time trying to decieve and live for the moment, a moment that we live for today is but a grain of sand in this infinite time. expand your mind for the better good of yourself and everyone else. it will have great rewards, maybe just one. peace of mind. dont believe me today, tommorrow this life or the next, but in the end you will see that what i have said makes more sense than you could have ever imagined.

    peace, love and happiness. good will to all. lets us make the ignorant aware and the stupid, well let us teach them or try anyway. that is all we can do. but trying is better than turning your back. if they are ignorant and stupid then why wouldn't they stab you in the back as easy as anywhere else.

    ok thats enough for now. the rage seems to set in at strange times and that is one of the obstacles that i must overcome, it may help me one day, but for now it seems to be getting me nowhere. i will never forget though. it will always be a part of me. there is a reason that it is there. the same reason all of this other knowledge is there. i just havent quite put it all together yet. it is coming though. maybe i will let you in on the secret, maybe you will have to learn on your own. learn while you can. absorb what you can. i will do my part. you have to make your own decisions just as i do. mistakes will be made and they will come at a cost, how great the cost can be limited if you follow your instincts and do your best not to decieve.

    again. i am closing for now.....
    Sunday, September 26th, 2004
    8:29 pm
    i have come to the conclusion that all my questions are getting answered, or have already been. unfortunately, i have answered all of them myself and for the rest of you that cant seem to abide by the laws set forth then i feel for you. i wish all of you the best of luck. i hope you look in the mirror and decide what you need to do to fix yourself. i have discovered what i need, i just get caught up in everyone elses problems. well, i think i am back on track. i hope not to loose my temper with you again. i hope that you will ascend from the hell you are causing yourself and move on with you lives. everything we do in life comes with a cost. if your reasons for your ways are for deceit, then you will be deceived. if you lie then you will be lied to, if you steal, then you will be robbed. so on and so forth. i hope you get the picture. the only problem is the reality of things to come will compounded. so do what you must, be ready to accept the consequences that you have set for yourself. as for me. i will give and give and i fully know that i will have a happy and fulfilling life for now and forever, until the next beginning. the fact is that we live in a cycle each day we go on creating our future and our future can only reflect what we set forth by our actions of the past and present. just remember that. as corny and stupid as it may sound. we reap what we sow. do unto others as you would want of done of you. take off the mask. i can see your true self and so can many others, remember, compounded. like a boomerang only it gets bigger, stronger and faster on the return path. of course this energy can be of positive form just as easy as the opposite. we are the only ones that control what our future holds. just wake up. open your eyes and know that the only way we can move forward is with positives. negatives multiply and create greater negatives and of course i hope you know how addition works on the positive side. i wish you well, i hope that you will change, be proud of what you do, be accountable, have integrity and we can all survive with a smile. one day you will get it. the quicker you understand the less hardship you will cause yourself. join me with positive energy and pass it around. dont lie, dont cheat, dont steal. how hard is that. the opposite is actually easier. give, teach, listen, and try to understand.

    i must go for now, i am confusing myself. just remember. if you cannot accept the actions you give then it is wrong. guilt happens for a reason.
    Friday, September 24th, 2004
    12:05 am
    i live in hell, or as close as one could possibly get. i really feel like i am in hell. every one. every person i talk to lies to me. not for any good reason at all. just to lie. thats all. no one can tell the truth. no one can admit that they are at fault. no one can accept the responsibility of their own actions. am i the only person with a conscious. every person that i meet. every person that i talk to on a daily basis lies to me. not only that i am surrounded by it in my own house. people don't grow out of the way they are. it becomes a routine. doesn't anyone get that concept. if you let someone lie, without any type of consequence they will do it again, over and over, it will become a habit, a ritual, a part of their life. people do not grow out of this type of habit, especially when there is no reason to change. the world is in bad shape. no one is held accountable for their actions. we are allowed to lie, no one challenges us, not even a slap on the wrist anymore. we are accepting it we are nurturing this type of behavior. we have turned our world into a place where we cannot trust anyone for any reason whatsoever. I am torn. i have to choose to accept what happens around me or move on to another place. the thing that i hate more anything in the world is the one thing i am forced to overlook and accept on a daily basis. I cannot change it. i have no support to do so. if i try to be patient i am pushed more and more until i reach the point that i hate myself more than the person that lies to me. i am forced to accept it in every way. if i blow up i am hated. if i do nothing to stop it then i am a hipocrit. how can you be expected to be patient and look at the good qualities of something when the bad things out weigh it. how can you be forced to look like a hipocrit and turn your back and pretend that the very thing you hate the most in life is thrown in you face on a daily basis. how can you expect a person to change what they do when the rewards they receive are bigger than the consequences. im in hell. i dont think that anything can be worse than how i feel today. the things that happen to me on a regular basis. everything i attempt to do, all my dreams, the people i truly try to help, all turn against me. why do i even bother to pay my conscious any attention. why do i even try to abide by rules that are set by our society. no one else does. i am the minority. i am the odd one. i should change a become a part of the world like everyone else. i should become what i hate. the very thing that is destroying our world. the very thing that will one day in the near future have neighbors killing each other. trust. trust is no more. it was a fantasy. it must have been a value that i read about in a science fiction novel along with accountability, integrity, and the most famous. most fucked up, twisted. never to exist again saying do unto others as you would have them do unto you. if we lived by this saying, then most of us would surely have died because of this as well. i have come to the end. i cannot make changes. no one has a reason to want to change. I have a reason. i am persecuted for what i believe. challenged because i get pissed off because i am lied to over and over day in day out. i feel like i am an outcast. the people that i am supposed to be a mentor to just lie to me for no other reason than that, just to lie. what should i believe. how should i react. is it so hard to tell the truth. is it so hard to try to fit into society in a way that people will look up to you.it must be. i cannot overlook all the lies. i will not. the lies that i have told over 50 lifetimes would not amount to the lies that have been told to me over the last couple of years. lies. lies because people are to afraid to be held accountable for what they do. why should i be truthful. why should i accept blame for what i do. why should i try to set an example. no one will do these things for me. i just dont know. i do not have the answers. i do not have the power to make any changes. every minute i lose the desire to even attempt to be someone of integrity. integrity, accountability, truthfulness, these are no longer qualities that people desire, qualities that people strive for. my brain hurts so bad. maybe thats why we give our jobs to mexico.

    lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies lieslies. i have found the very origin of my name. lesley must mean the great attractor of lies. look at the similarites. i bet i could sign my name as lieslie and no one would even notice. maybe i should strive to change my ways and fit in. i could change in such a way that i would be the great liar. i could be looked up to as a liar that all liars of the world would strive to lie like. what would it hurt, everyone else does it. and they all smile all the time, drive nice vehicles, live in nice homes, have great jobs, they desire nothing because they have it all. but i try so hard to be honest, to tell the truth, to do things in such a way that i boast about the quality of work i do, the knowledge i hold, the great things that i could give the world. for what, i am broke, cant get a job, cant pay my bills, cannot enjoy any of my hobbies, cannot pay my rent, am ashamed of my clothes, my car, my home, and people look down on me. why because i lie to them, never. maybe because it is so hard for me to smile. so hard for me to give anyperson the benefit of the doubt knowing that they are only going to fuck me in the end. i can count the number of people on my right hand that have given to me without ever expecting anything in return. the same favour i have given countless times. yes maybe i have expected to have a good secure job for giving my employer the work of 3 people with the quality of a plastic surgeon. i have expected my friends to help out once in a while, in the meantime i am helping them on a daily basis. have helped my own brother so many times i cannot remember, yet he has never offered me help, has only been to my house 1% compared to me going to him. and talks about me like i am the shit stuck to the sole of his shoe. why am i being persecuted so. my whole life has been played like a single song stuck on repeat. over and over and no one can reach over and hit the skip button just once and fulfill just one request and be honest to me, show me the integrity that i show others. just tell me the truth. that is all i ask. if i could get the truth, then maybe i could make changes. if i had the truth, i would know what to expect, i could avoid so many of the situations that have enraged me to the point that my body could explode. so mad that i feel like a million ton train going down hill at 300 miles per hour and you are going to stop on my tracks with a moped and dare me not smash you into the tiniest particles of dust and then smash the dust into oblivion and tear down the rest of the world with you. all this because of a lie, because you feel that you should not be held accountable for something you willing and knowingly did and the consequences are known. and the reason.....BECAUSE..

    where the fuck am i. i have truly been abducted by aliens and a brain probe has been inserted via my asshole. I am in the twilight zone stuck on a toy train in a toy village going round and round. i am the ladybug that triggered the mechanism that set off the first nuclear explosion. i am the only atom in the entire universe that scientist smashed. and yet i think that by myself trying to do things half way decent that i will make a difference. i will make some sort of impression on the way things should be. that one day the world will be a nice place to live. that life itself will be enjoyable. that i could actually smile and not look as if it hurts.


    Current Mood: angry
    Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
    12:35 am
    we have come to a stand still with our forward thinking, most of us anyway. the others are profiting from this idleness. instead of trying to look for constant improvement, we are looking for ways to cheat ourselves through life. technology should be used to help us with the problems we cannot overcome. but, instead of helping us through our society is relying on technology to carry us. we are living longer lives but they are less fulfilling. the only satisfaction that is obtained is that we have cheated death for one more day. why? to face our enemies. no to cheat them as well. to show integrity and accountability.,no. we cheat that as well. just to pass the blame to others for what we suffer. our bodies are growing somewhat resilient while our minds rot in our skulls.

    through evolution we have earned the right, we have grown to be a higher power. unthinkable knowledge. knowledge, that no doubt, comes from questions. questions have given us the answers we have so much desired. but we are still told and made to believe that these questions are wrong. we have wanted more for so long. but there has been an over powering will to let our daily rituals stay the same. while we constantly contradict this notion by the life we live.

    I write for myself. my own feeling, my own desires. my opinions and views are my own. they reflect an image of what society has concieved. i force no one to think like me. if you are happy in your wonderful life. if you feel fulfilled and satisfied. if you are content of doing nothing but participating in the daily rituals prescribed by generations. if you think that peace and happiness will be given to you in the end just for asking. no matter how you have lived your life. then don't question anything. let the others show the direction you should travel.

    I want a peaceful society. i want rules that will encompass every being that choses to live among us and lead us. don't let our leaders make the laws that they themselves refuse to abide by. you can make a difference. if you chose to go to church, then follow the rules set forth by the church. not just on sunday. every minute, every hour, every day, every year. if you do not then you are a hipocrit. pretending to do something will only fool those around you. some of them anyway. they can see you for what you are even if you think you have them fooled. can you fool your god. can you fool your mind. do you honestly think that just because you go to church on sunday you will be saved. every prisoner in every prison in every world becomes a religious person. when they are returned to the free world most will revert to the life the had that lead them to prison. just because you say something will not make a believer of me. actions.

    I have become deaf in the world. i listen not to the propaganda that surrounds me. the propaganda of the media, the government, the church, people on the street, trying to sell me junk. making idle promises they know will not be challenge. my eyesight has improved greatly. show me. let me see what you have. let me see how it works. show the proof that you talk about so much. show me that you will not try to steal from me. steal my money, steal my heart. steal my soul. my trust has already be stolen. you cannot take my accountability and integrity. that is mine and it does shine. i have my flaws, i make mistakes, not excuses though. i cannot blame anybody for any actions that i have taken. others may have made promises to me that they could not keep and i have made promises on these lies. but, I was the one that paid. i accept that. it won't happen again. i hope not. like i said trust is the hardest thing to earn. i will not respect you for anything other that what you are. i don't care what your name is. i dont care who you have helped. i dont care how much you own. i dont care about you age. you want my trust then you will earn it like the rest. you can hold me in the same standard that i have set for others. i accept that. i can prove myself. every day. always accountable. always looking for ways to improve. my mind is open. ready to absorb what is necessary. are you.

    dont rely on the drug companies to have a wonder cure for your indulgences. sex, drugs, food. if cancer is cured one day. do you think that it will be readily available for those smokers that refused to try to quit. do you think that because you eat like you are preparing for a fast of a thousand years that you will be offered a pill that will shed your fat like wringing a sponge. do you think that the alcoholics will have new livers waiting in a lab somewhere just for you do you think that you can have sexual intercourse with countless partners and avoid aids forever, will it be cured. the possibilities are there, but there are many complications at these items being for you.

    the facts are. the population of the earth is overcrowded. mother nature, god, the universe will cleanse itself. we cannot sustain life without death. money is the ruler of the new world. if you have money you can buy your health. but most of us spend our money on the indulgences and cannot afford the cure. someone else wants to control you. somehow, someway. someone is trying to find a different level of control for each and every one of us. the tabacco companies have it, the church has is, terrorist have it, governments have it. the grocery store has it, the oil companies have it, your employer has it, drug dealers have it, breweries and distilleries have it. the odd thing is we give this control to them on a daily basis. we let them have what they want. and they want more. protect yourself. control yourself. live your life with you heart, soul and brain. know that for everyone that you try to get over on there are 100 more waiting to get you. your money, your time, your efforts, your heart your soul your life. you are the only one that can make the change, you alone have to take the steps to change your life, to change the world you live in. i promise you that no one will offer to help change anything in your life unless it will give a greater benefit for themselves. dont believe me. then wake up and ask the questions. look for the signs. who will benefit the most now, who will benefit the most in the future. who is taking the money from you. who is taking your freedom. passive or aggressive. they have the tools. they have the knowledge, they have the desire to make that personal gain at the cost of others.

    ask the questions. the questions that got us to this point in time. let us keep moving forward. quit relying on someone else to get you ahead. to put you where you want to be. it will not happen. that person you rely on to get you to the top will always be one step ahead of you.

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
    12:58 am
    questions of the mind
    well. I just can't seem to get it flowining at the moment. I guess the battle is still going on in my mind. it is really hard to accept something new, even if it is something that you really want. something that you have asked for. a change that needs to happen and you know that it has to happen. there is no other choice. not if you want to move forward. stand still and be idle. what is that. nothing. that's what it is. acceptance of a reality that you really don't want. reality is what you make it. Someone else can make it for you. if you want. we want so much. but how to get it. well. there is but one way. you have to get it. reality is what we make it. you can change everything around you. it's not easy. that's why so many of us have chosen just to accept things as they are. that's why we are idle. just living, waiting to die. so hard to chose the path you want. follow the largest group. sounds like a good idea. does it? depends on who is leading. why are they leading. for their benefit, or the benefit of the group. so very hard to get an answer for that one. sometimes we have no choice but to follow. I have. many times. many leaders. but, instead of accepting what is said we much watch, we must observe. mistakes will be made. each and every leader will show its true side. it might just be a minor slip. they will slip though. don't call it out. not right away. that gives them time to cover the mistake. silence. let them think they have you fooled. it's easier to watch that way. the will show their true side.

    if you chose the wrong one you will ultimately have to pay for it. somehow, someway, severe maybe, probably not, if you have a conscience and followed with reasonable doubt and did not give all your trust. dont make decision based on promises that could be lies. kept that doubt. keep it and keep it to yourself. friends will show themselves. don't invite them all in. not all the way. be wary.
    you can make your own path. this is the hard way. but in the end i think it will have the bigger payoff. the most satisfaction. ultimate and pure bliss that i could not even begin to describe. Oh but the cost, the trials. it will be hard. you will have to be prepared. your skin will grow thick. your smile will probably fade into your face and blend in with the rest of your skin. people will look at you as if you had no emotions whatsoever. compassion will become hard to give away. the enemy is smart. and they are of great numbers, growing every day. but somehow we have to blend in. disguise what we have, what we know and how we must use it. that, so far has been the easiest of the journey. stay prepared every day. trust your instincts even if they seem to be unreasonable doubts. doubts are there for a reason. same reason as wanting to have the answer. the same reason you and I have the question. doubts have so far protected us. kept us from being apart of this entity of ignorance and stupidity. oh but the grass is so green over there. but i have been there. stuck inside the fence and it has been so hard to escape. we have to keep going forward though. don't get trapped in the cycle. it is death. not instant death. they will wear you down. take away your questions. they say you don't need questions for we have the answer. but their answer is a best just a dream. some idol they have made up. it enrages them to ask questions. the book has all the answers. the only answers you need. and those are the only answers you can get. don't ask the questions, that is wrong. that will anger the almighty. that could sentence you for an eternity of misery. could any misery be greater than not really knowing though. is there anything more terrible than not knowing the truth. walking in the dark, hoping for the light to shine on you. how can something so great be so secret. so secret that no real answers have ever been given. have heard the answers. have you seen the source of the answers. do you believe something you cant see. something you cant feel. others act as if though the have seen it. there is no proof. everything has proof. if it cannot be proven then it is not so. right. proof. paper is not proof. the ink on it is not proof. it can be manipulated, change, form into whatever the creator wants. to satisfy whose needs? the leader. this is the weapon. the sword that will cut your head off. and they only let you see the facts that they feel are best for you. how do they know what is best. because they have more money, more items. can they know what you really need. can they get into you mind and know what is best for you. I cant even get into my own mind. how can they tell what is best what i should do, what i should believe. they are smart though. i told you this. they will use your information against you. if you let them in they have you. but you must make them believe that you hear them that you trust them. if you don't they will single you out. then you are on your own with the enemy. no its no fair. who said it was fair. they want the power. they want your support, they want your money. they want your faith. when they have this you have nothing you must follow. if you don't you will surely not survive. you must fall into the routine. you must do this or else you will have eternal misery.

    can you see this. you know that there is a better way. can i help? i don't know. i am looking also. I am preparing. the journey will be long. it will be exhausting, you will want to give in. if you dont let them in they have nothing to take. your life. they can end it maybe. they cant take it. you might give it to them. if you can breath, drink and eat, then you can survive it. they might throw stones. dodge them. they will definitely try to tear you down. they will use words, you have to ignore them. if they will not give you knowledge then they are the enemy. if they cannot answer the question then they cannot help. if they avoid the question then they will not help. i dont have the answers i am searching as well. i may not ever find the answers. not in this life. maybe not the next. someday i will. i will come back. i know i will. no beginning no end. just time to question. time to seek the answers. time to gain knowledge. time to prepare for the fight that looms. grow strong. grow smart. learn the enemy. learn to blend. learn to hide.

    anger is no longer the answer, it was punishment. for being idle. for not moving forward. for trying to forget, trying to just let it pass. let us find the path. let us make the path. we must us all of our knowledge. all of our strengths. all of our weaknesses. and for know we must do it alone. until we can band together and get our numbers. this should be a peaceful journey. but we must be prepared for those who wish to keep us quiet. keep the respect. many are content. they are happy. as happy as they want to be. we will not be forceful. that would make us like them. this is for enlightenment. for the joy and satisfaction that we will know. money is nothing. possessions seem to make us like them. that is not what we want to gain. something that would only be useful in the lifetime which is so short and limited. limited but neverending. neverending but everchanging. keep what we can use. possessions can be useful, but dont get caught up in trying to gain them. only what is needed for survival. lavish in a life of thought and gaining knowledge. for knowledge is the answer. knowledge will give the power. the questions will be answered.

    Current Mood: determined
    Sunday, September 19th, 2004
    11:01 pm
    wow. I cannot believe some of the things that people put in their journals. ( don't look at mine, it's the same). I guess just like everyone else it is a way to vent, to get their emotions checked. But, can you believe that we haven't blown the earth clear out of the universe. We might just be better off as an extinct species. That way people of the future can only make guesses of what we where really like. I feel all alone in this world. Am i the only one that has these thoughts. is this paranoia all in my mind. I just like to write. I let the words flow. Does it make sense? kinda. makes you think. I think therefore i write. I write before i think. it doesn't matter. it is all coming out. flowing like a river. creek. maybe just a leaky faucet. It has been bottled up for so long. get it while it is. it might all end as quickly as it started. maybe better off just being locked inside. should i let someone in. maybe i should make names for all those locked inside. they all have the same name though, they have the same voice. I can't distinguish anyway. they are many. sometimes they are all quiet. sometimes they are all talking at once, screaming, whimpering, which one will make the strongest impression today,right now.

    are the voices they keep talking about my own. conversing with each other. sometimes they leave me out of the conversation. I can hear them though. they are trapped. not going anywhere ever. only I know they are there. but sometimes i think they forget i am here. they just talk. can't do anything. no harm. they are just voices. they have no power. i make my own decisions. but they do talk. i worry, when they stop. did they get out? where did they go. maybe asleep. they need no sleep. can they escape? will the come for me. they are nothing without me. i am their source. i think. do i. someone is. who is that. what do you mean. what do you want. can you help me? you talk like you have the answers, but i've gotten nowhere. maybe i have. no. but what if i did. would it mean anything. would it make anything different? can it be different. maybe this is it. maybe this is my destiny. there has to be more. will it carry on. can it. it must. it will end though, won't it? maybe it continues. will i realize the new life. will this influence that. it must. i can feel the past. the future. i don't know. they come from that place. must be the past. they know. they have seen. they teach me. but they are only for me. wise they are, to me. others. others just think....no they don't. they cant understand. won't understand. maybe they shouldn't know. it could be the only way to protect them. future is doomed. I will survive it. surely they will to. I will show them. they will listen then. have no other choice. should we survive though. if not surely we will be back. that is the cycle. we haven't learned enough. to many levels. how many are in there. that is the answer. cant see them. they all sound the same. how to count them. thats the answer. trick them. impossible. it is only one, but he has others. he speaks for all of them. he won't tell me how many. it doesn't matter to him. he just wants to learn more. they get enraged though. I have held them back. they are mad at me. but, i control them. not the anger. they own that. they did. i make the choices. but they do get angry. they don't understand. they do. they just dont have the control. they just talk. influence. a little. maybe i should give them more. it is dark in there. no light. cant get light in. don't really need it. just voices. would light make them go away. no its dark. that is how it has to be. not the issue. what do they really want. can i give it to them. can i make them be quiet. who would talk then. someone else. NO. what would someone else know. reason with them. ask them what they want. work together. it will never end. i won't let it. that is not in my control. why should i. they are the only friend. my own. they will never let me down. they do get discouraged. makes them angry. they are always angry though. they know to much. they can't teach though. only learn. don't want to teach. no time. must learn. what else to learn. which knowledge to seek. could be learning now. questions only slow the process. but the process has been long. need a break. had one. this could go on forever. has. so far. the end is coming. there is no end. there was no beginning. how could it end. to end something has to begin. that is logic. logic doesn't work here. no need for it. vastness. neverending. neverbeginning. what? how can that be. it is. just is. will i get an explanation. you have. it didn't matter. the reason. the same. but why. that's it. keep learning. it will make them happy. suffice. maybe. sometimes. not always. but it is better that way. decay is the other option. tried that. pain. go the other way. not strait. never has been . how can it be. to easy. no. not really. should be. no. but, why. don't know. never will. already past that. didn't mean anything. just keep going. will we get there. one day. maybe. no. forever. ever and forever. end to begin. begin to end. circle. somewhat. keeps going. no end. no beginning. learning. sometimes. questions. yes. does it matter. not really. should i ask. why. because. won' help. maybe. why. don't know. will it matter. could. hope. why. exist. forever. yes. meaning. still searching. always search. dont stop. dont. are the outsiders a part of this. yes. where do the fit in. don't know. probably doesn't matter. it could. will i know. no. yes. maybe. they must mean something. they are here. so are the rocks. do the teach. no. they must have learned. maybe. young. first lesson. last lesson. maybe. part of the equation. i think. they fit. they have something. what. is it for me. maybe. some of it. listen. of course. see. yes. answers. some. still doesn't change. does it help. not really. do you want it to. maybe. no . yes. can you remeber when. no. will you know when it is over. no. never over. no end. no begin. just past. today. tommorrow. and tommorrow. remember. I am. trying. you will know what to let go. maybe. if it is important it will stay. it will come back. i hope. they wont forget. where did they go. hiding. you have disturbed them. exhausted them. do you think they will ever leave. never. ever.
    8:31 pm
    Braindead, exhasted
    My thinking today has been limited, finally. Faith in the unknown, willingness to accept it, has caused us to trust to much. We have carried the enemy home on our backs.

    Harsh I may seem, but my thinking is the product of the society that we live in. My lashing out is only fueled by seeing the ignorance of society. The giants of our world feeding and thriving on this ignorance for their own personal gain. They say it is for the benefit of the better good. They don't tell you how much padding is going into their own pockets and being hipocrits, not practicing the very things they are forcing us to believe. Hipocrits in charge, we put them there and we let them stay. Changes need to be made.

    Zero tolerance, is it good for our schools and children? Yes, you say. Then lets bring it to corporate america, to our government. I want to see zero tolerance in society. We force it on our children, then it must be good. Demand leadership by example from our government officials. Why should these liars be held in such high status? What have they really done for us? (Nothing). Make them accountable, show them zero tolerance. Strip them of the status that they will risk telling lies for. Let's make everyone accountable. Tyranny.

    My brain hurts, Just can't seem to find peace in this world. Why is everyone trying to get over on someone else?

    I yearn for a time when we can trust our neighbors, send our kids out without worrying, trust our politicians! respect me for what I have done. For what I want.

    Peace. Trust. Honesty. Integrity. Accountability. Are these even words anymore, have they been bumped from the dictionary or just moved to the unabridged version and printed in small type.

    I think that I must be of alien descent, a traveler from a distant time, trapped in this hell which I cannot escape. I scream but no sounds leave my lips. I stand in the corner unnoticed, No, overlooked, innocent looking no threat, I will push back, defend what is right. Just because I don't speak doesn't make me a fool. I'm just an observer, I see all, I'm a sponge, I don't forget. I saw what you did, and you know it in the back of your mind. I'm coming.

    make it stop. make it stop. we need to change it quickly. it's coming. for you. for me. for us. I can hide. you haven't seen me, I see you, they all did. they are coming. you can't stop them. they have no leader. just one consciousness. my conscious. you don't have one. you let it go, gave it away. I'm invisible. I have learned. still learning. learning till nothing left to learn. I can use it. you need me. I can't help you. just my family. just those who have earned it. you should have changed. no forgiveness here. no second chances. they are coming. i fear it is too late. thought you could out smart it. you don't even have thought. choices maybe. that's what they want you to think anyway. wrong decision. but you chose it. you knew it was wrong. living for today. tommorrow is here. what are you going to do know. forgiveness, once maybe. no longer available. you have beaten it down. walked all over it. going dark. no light at the end of the tunnel. just darkness. forever dark. forever. forever.

    Current Music: live from texas
    11:25 am
    Do you see it?
    Our fore fathers started it all. Maybe a few came over to america for freedom a new sense of adventure searching for answers, good intintions maybe, but no sooner did we step foot on solid ground did it begin. Maybe one person or a group, whatever, it happened and we celebrate it in our paganistic rituals or sacrafice of the lives of others just so we can push our "freedom" on the world. That one time celebrated last meal that should have opened our eyes. I'm not talking about the last supper not the christian version, I'm talking about Thanksgiving. What kind of fucked up holiday is this. As I remember, have been out of school for some time, the Indians (native americans) out of the kindness of their hearts, welcoming a strange new people helped our first settlers to survive on their own, showing them how to live off the land-etc...Let's show our appreciation,kill them all make their numbers so small and miniscle that they have no voice, no longer able to fight back-drive them to live like caged animals away from the land that their ancestors have known forever, make them slaves. That should be enough to destroy anyones faith, soul, ability to reason. But, that wasn't enough for our politicians or government that is always looking out for the well being of the people. No, lets turn this horific masacre into a national holiday. Lets make a mockery of the very thing that allowed our own ancestors the ability to survive one lousy winter in a new land. Let us give thanks to our governing officials for wiping out the hideous hethens that tried to help us. Let's destroy a people who wanted to protect what was rightfully theirs. Thanksgiving is for pagans (christians) yes I'm calling any person who calls themself a christian and celebrates thanksgiving a fucking hipocrit. If I where your God you would all perish a terrible death and live an eternity in hell. quit celebrating this pagan holiday along with christmas (the season to buy gifts to ensure corporate america stays strong) maybe the jehovah's have a good point (partially anyway) was christ actually born on Dec 25? If not then why such the strong ritual. Or was he actually born to close to easter (The time when he was murdered for trying to bring peace and harmony to the world). And of course, the bible tries to make that some sort of epic event that will be cherished forever, letting our saviour being killed only to satisfy our needs to conquer and be a part of the bigger group and fit in. Again, the media is leaving information out vital information. Maybe christ was resurrected only because he was the one and only one that felt we should live in peace and harmony. God uplifted his being to a higher place leaving all the people of the world to suffer a never ending cycle of death and rebirth into a decaying society of hatred, ignorance and stupidity that we are willling to accept, for what? Would you forgive a society that killed your son? Do you believe in forgiveness so much that you live a life of lying, cheating and stealing, for a faith that promises that you can be forgiven of everything just for asking. Go ahead and live for the moment, live for today, and go home and pray to be forgiven for the things that you knowing have done wrong. Someone, everyone will be held accountable for their ignorance. Do you really think that you can sexualy molest children, steal from you neighbor, kill entire civilizations, cause irreversible damage to the only planet we have, lie to the entire nation for personal gain and be forgiven and asked to come live in the afterlife of absolute peace and harmony. Are you so ignorant to believe that just because you go to church on Sunday that you are able to live with the devil 6 days a week. The church has made people unaccountable for their actions and made integrity a value that is extinct. Forgiveness is just a word, it doesn't happen, not here, not in some fantasy of an afterlife that absolutely no one can prove. Reasonable doubt, let the courts decide, case dismissed for lack of evidence. Hipocrits. I do have faith though. I have faith that if I live my life without causing harm to others, stealing (both by actual taking of items and by using misleading representation or lying) by only making promises that I can keep, by being accountable for my actions (not using ignorance as an excuse or blaming someone or something else) trying to preserve the earth for future generations, then I have faith that I can die knowing that whatever I have done will at least give me the peace of mind knowing that I did not contribute to the demise of our society, That I turned my back on conforming to evil. acceptance of evil in any form (even with the thought that you will be forgiven for just asking) (have you ever even tried to logically process this thought-forgiveness of evil that you have willing been a part of with your own decisions) will lead you into misery and torture of the mind.

    If there is a God, I feel sure he has turned his back on us, just hoping that we will destroy ourselves quickly and swiftly so he can try it all over again. Or maybe he has moved on to a better planet in a better universe that is so vast and never.................never ...........never ending. Would you help out the people that I have described, Really? I'm calling you a liar if you said yes. Remember what I have said when you sit down with you family of massive generations for a Thanksgiving meal. Remember that native american whose family tree was cut down for our own progress.

    What are we going to do when we are overcome by another nation wanting to force their views and opinions here in our own land. kill us by the hundred thousand, put us in cages and celebrate with a national holiday for years to come.

    Im preparing myself....mentally and physically... Get ready! it's coming! What? I don't know, but it will be big, It will be ugly and most of all it will be unforgiving.
    2:18 am
    FACT: Reverse evolution, we are doomed!
    I have just recently gained some type of control over my life again. Just recently starting seeing a therapists, although as usual I don't really think I'm going to get a whole lot of help from her. Well I'm getting enough insite to make changes on my own. Maybe that's the whole point. I don't like the opinions of therapists in general, They have a way of twisting things around like everybody else. I have been able to stop smoking weed though, not sure that this will continue for long just long enough to clear my mind and let the world know what I think. Not that I think weed is bad, almost like prozac takes my mind off things that set me off. puts me in my own world, caused me to have really bad anger spells though, but, now that I am off the weed I can vent my anger all through the day instead of having one or two major spells. I think that the biggest problem with my anger is the realization of the stupidity and ignorance that the world is falling(fell) into. Our society is crumbling, I thought I was the only one that noticed, maybe I am, but after reading other entries on other sites I noticed feelings and thoughts that I have are shared by many others, although they may have not come to the realization of why. At least I think that I have realized why. I am just so pissed off at how our society has accepted ignorance and stupidity as an excuse for our actions. No one is held accountable for their actions anymore, except for criminals that get caught. (martha stewart didn't pay the right people off) Our politicians and government officials lie to us every single chance they get. and they get away with it. it seems like every one is walking around in a daze (drones maybe, i'm caught in the matrix) Our politicians lie to us, some have even made very public statements in front of the nation "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and are not held accountable. Hell he gets $200,000 a year for the rest of his sorry ass life. you and I both heard the lie and he changed his story, but that's ok. you and i will pay for his life through our tax dollars. We are raising our children, have raised, letting this type of lie to go on. We are saying it is ok. Just change our attention to something else and forget about it, it will be ok. don't hold a grudge, just forget about it. Well things are getting worse. I feel that we don't have long left to live our lush lifestyles, making the working class earn the money for corporate america, we have turned our work force over to the mexicans. We are fat and lazy. Instead of saying I just couldn't resist getting 2 double cheeseburgers for 2 dollars and getting fat and extremely obese, we are going to blame the marketing wizards in a clown suit for our own sorry ass decisions. The fat ass americans are so lazy they can't even take the blame for shuving the cheeseburger in their mouth. hell lets make some money off it and sue McDonalds for providing us cheap tasty fat. We are so stupid. Lets take it another step and call these fat ass lazy people handicapped. just couldn't keep your mouths closed. Don't you know that if you eat more fat and calories than you burn it turns to fat. Even our lying government will tell you that. Now not only do I have to support our sorry politicians, I have to support fat people because they won't be able to get jobs and go on welfare or disability which comes from tax dollars, taxes that I am having a hard time paying since the mexicans took all the good jobs, sending our american dollars back to mexico, along with the drug money. It gets worse. Our so called churches and religions that are supposed to be at minimum teaching honesty and integrity are failing. Bibles being reprinted being non gender specific and politically correct. Politics and religion are mixed and have always been (king james was a tyrant like all kings, controling people passively is still controlling) what about all those lost scrolls that get rejected by the churches, they pick and choose what is in the bible and what is left out. Lets talk about the gay community. Lets try this and see how mother nature, evolution, process of elimination any scientific test, law of physics, anything and see the outcome. Put all the gay men on an island, all the gay women on a separate island and see how many generations go by before total extinction. Lets face it they will not survive, so why should i put up with it or accept it in any way, why is the church accepting it, why is it being politicaly incorrect to bash the gay community. we are trying to contradict the very things that once made us (humans) the superior beings of this planet. If God had wanted man to be gay then I'm sure that we would have been asexual beings, wait I think I see a faggot reproducing asexual, what the fuck is wrong. And we are supposed to accept and tolerate this. We don't tolerate terrorist crashing planes into our stock market,....or do we. We are doomed, all the odds are against our survival. We need to start today, make everybody accountable. Reasonable doubt? I can put doubt into anything you have ever believed in your entire life. Believe in the bible, then why are they changing it, believe in the church, why are priests molesting kids of the same sex, wait maybe thats why gay marriages are being accepted-to satisfy the needs of preists. I hear of people saying that these people are just men themselves, so why should we put them on a pedastal and let them tell us what to do? Why? Our politicians lie all through the campaign cycle, we still elect them and let them run our country. We have raised a nation of liars, given them second chances, let them lie to us again, given them third chances when does it end. I think the asian countries are silently becoming super powers, feeding us technology that they are throwing out in the trash, quietly waiting for our ignorant stupidity to allow us to self destruct. Don't let our childrens voices be heard, lets drug them and beat them into submission. better yet the few that cause severe damage in our society, dont hold them accountable place the blame somewhere else. Maybe I need to go smoke a joint and shut my fucking mouth before I offend some politically correct jackass that goes home and molest children in the privacy of their home. But makes our laws and tells me how to think. Lets not blame the propaganda of the media giants, they are not to blame. Selectively brainwashing us and making light of the ignorance in america the giant trailer park (no offense meant to the rednecks out there) We are so used to trying so hard not to offend anyone that only the hard working, honest people with integrity are bearing the burden, and when the shit hits the fan who do you think will survive. the fat ass eating McD's three meals a day. The faggots that have a great fashion sense, your neighbor who lies and drinks but is a good person because he is in church every sunday. Get ready america, I have seen the future, we all have but haven't realized is yet. Wake up. Quit feeling sorry for everybody else. Take care of yourself, protect yourself, teach your children honesty and integrity (you might be the first person they hit or rob or kill). Don't believe everything you read or hear (anyone can be an authority on anything anymore, money buys anything-bestsellers-bestbuys-terrorists-and even governments) Don't trust anyone, no one has a conscious anymore and will lie we just don't believe that they will. Make people earn your trust, just because someone tells you something doesn't mean anything. I can show you how to live forever, lose 50lbs, make $2000 a week, and get a date with a movie star, guaranteed or your money back. (the last sentence was a sarcastic lie to prove a point). Can you see what I am getting at? I hope so. we need to start a revolution. Our minds have evolved. Stop the lies, stop the propaganda, make everyone accountable, ignorance is no excuse with so much knowledge at our fingertips in our homes and everywhere we look. If someone steals repeatedly, blatantley lies to the public, takes advantage of the elderly and ignorant for profit or gain, then make them pay. Strip them of everything publicly, make them pay, make the world know that there is no room for them. Watch out! if we don't do something soon the animals will take over again, at least these stupid creatures can survive on instinct alone. Yes, reverse evolution, we are not adapting and moving forward, we are accepting ignorance and stupidity and slowly declining, we are lazy and let others think for us. I will not be running for office in this election due to financial difficulties, but you might be able to pencil me in on the ballot...Can I get a second? If you felt offended or that you are being singled out by any statement that I have made then go look in the mirror and take actions to correct your problem. I can live with myself knowing what I do on a daily basis (constantly look for self improvement, always seeking knowledge, honesty and integrity on top of the list, I can be held accountable for my own actions, not blaming anyone for how I am) can you look in the mirror and say the same?
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