So Obviously Desperate, So Desperately Obvious...'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
So Obviously Desperate, So Desperately Obvious...

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Brilliant Lies. [21 Feb 2008|01:27am]
I'm trying to sleep, but this pain in my chest, it's keeping me awake and every breath I take feels like it's my last. I want to be fine,
I want to be sure, I want to be a lot of things and none of them include you. I keep telling myself I'm not miserable. I keep telling myself I'm better off without you. I believed that you meant everything you said; good bye and thanks for the memories. For the pain and lies, every time I had to cry, goodbye and thanks for the memories.

I don't understand because it doesn't make sense, the way you broke it off, took away my heart, took away all my friends. I want to go out and get out of this house, but to begin again is gonna take more than I think I'd ever have to give. I believe that I was so cleverly deceived by good looks, some charm, and a brilliant lie. All the time that was spent being used I should have said, "goodbye and thanks for the memories".

I want to know why you're such an idiot.
I want to know how you can even live with it.
I want to know why I should even give a damn about you missing me so terribly.

I'm starting to sleep a little easier now, now that I'm over this, and I've made up my mind to never fall in love again with someone like you, someone so confused. I just wish I would have realized that a long time before I had.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Are you 10 years ago? [12 Feb 2008|04:39pm]
[ mood | procrastinating. ]

If you're taken I am yours. I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.

I might stay out longer than I left the light on for you then if you show, you show. If you show, you show. When I feel like this, when I get so in to myself, I lose track of where I'm going and lose track of how to get going again. I feel myself slowing down, feel myself turning around. Is this taken? When I feel like this, when I get so sick of myself, where are you going now without me? And not knowing then, that we're slowing down. You've gotta turn that around and tell me that I'm taken, tell me if I'm yours; you collapse. The pressure of this life is so. You can't be held accountable, if you go, you go. If you go, you go. When you act like this, when you get so sick, of yourself, the whole world falls away and since I feel like I have only missed the feeling that I'm here again, the feeling that I'm clear again, I'm not taken. When you act like this, when you get so in to yourself I lose sight of common goals and letting go so I can be all alone. Feel myself, going slow, feel myself, letting go, not taken, not feeling like I'm yours.

I'm taken, I am yours.
I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken, I am yours
I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken, I am yours
I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken, I am yours
I'm up and doing circles
I collapse.

This life looks like a sentence though. A constant game of falling short. If you know, you know. If you know, you know.
When I feel like this, when I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect, is it right for me I never fight to see if coming clean, would get to me? I feel myself, holding back. I feel the pressure, it's finally back. I'm taken. When you feel like this, when you saw it all come crashing down, subtle but not underground, I was there. I saw the signs, I saw unfair and so I write to you through other means. I let myself finally feel taken like I was yours.

If you're taken I am yours.
I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken, I am yours
I'm up and doing circles
I collapse.
I collapse.
I collapse.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

I'm so beyond this. [08 Feb 2008|02:48am]
[ mood | Confident, Better Than Ever. ]
[ music | The Reason Feat. Sara Quin - We're So Beyond This ]

I briefly went through some of my old blurty entries and it was like I travelled through time. I wasn't particularly effected by the things that I read, but it was interesting to remember how emotional I had been at that point in my life and how I overcame circumstances that I could have sworn would be the death of me. It was also interesting to note how my love life has been nothing short of a vicious cycle - same type of people, same beginning with the same end. However, with each experience noted in this journal, I've come out swinging. I've lived and I have learned and I continue to amaze myself. There are still things about myself that I understand could use some work and in turn can positively effect my life, however where I am now in comparison to where I was 3 years ago is a difference that could only be counted in lightyears.

I am someone that has been through many heartbreaks, some more traumatizing than others, and I understand that the damage has been done, thus that part of my heart will never be the same. Nothing ever is. Nothing is ever good as it was. However, your body is known for compensating. With every injury, there is scar tissue. It's not as durable, it sure as hell isn't exactly what that tissue used to be, but it serves as a reminder as to what happened because even though you may forget, your body never does - it's a known physiological fact, but at least it's a repairative effort and this effort is all in consideration of you - it's there to help you remember that you can't hurt like that again, so do whatever it is that you need to do to walk the path that is all your own. Don't take the path of razor blades, the tallest mountains, and rough terrain unless you're a trained professional or ready to come out with broken bones, cuts and bruises, and one long as hell recovery time because you're asking for it. Sure, life is about taking risks, but taking risks that seriously put you in danger, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, whatever... is never worth it. Our body loves to feel pain because it reminds us that we are alive, that we are capable of survival, but purposely putting yourself through the same type of pain is a death wish. Suffering and healing are never the same thing. Your body doesn't want you to hurt, it wants you to be functional, and you should want to be that for yourself. And within the last couple of years, through reading my old blurty entries, I've recognized that I used to let my body mend itself yet I was never willing to help out in areas where I should have, but now, I understand just how important it is to not only let scar tissue lay itself down, but it's also important to heal myself for myself, not just for my physical functionality - It's crucial to figure out my thoughts, focus on myself, understand that healing in any circumstance takes time and that even time takes time. There is nothing in this world that is as important as myself in my life considering no one can understand me or know me better than I know myself, therefore, I should support myself in all of my decisions because afterall, I'm the only one that knows if what I am doing is wrong, or right.

We come into this world alone, and we die alone, yet through it all we manage to fall in and out of love all in attempt to do none other but what? Figure ourselves out, of course. Everything we do is selfish, but why does that always have to be seen as a negative thing? Why can't some of the selfish things that we do be positive? In life, we all make a shitload of mistakes. Hell, some of us even live off of our mistakes, but really, the key to it all is to be smart enough to live and learn, and be smarter enough to live and learn from seeing somebody else fuck up. I guess that is why we are put on this earth with all kinds of stupid people. No matter what each of us has to face, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Like I always say, "you can't feel better until you feel worse". If no one ever knew what pain was, we'd never know what feeling good was either. With every negative, there should always be a positive and with every positive, there will be a sense of accomplishment and that is exactly what I have learned and what I may have overlooked in past circumstances and what I had forgot to mention in past entries.

If this Ian and I situation (that I wouldn't even call a situation since it lasted about a day, so, let's call it a 'mishap') happened a year ago, I would not have this outlook. It has not effected my quality of life at all. I wake up everyday and I go to bed at night without any problems. I'm hanging out with my friends in the same way and my heart hasn't felt the need to lay down any scar tissue - no damage has been done. Why? Because he wasn't worth me hurting myself because ultimately, it's MY mind over MY matter and Ian... well... he's obviously no matter. He's yesterday's news, and no where near tomorrow's headline, therefore I'm not reading into it. He was a two-month potential-maybe that ended up being a two-month repeat of history. I've learned all that the situation could have taught me as it was something I experienced in the past, and there was nothing to be taken from it except that I need to trust my own intuition and recognize that I do know what's best for myself. However, it is not something that I would delete if given the chance, but rather something that I would fast-forward through because it really was nothing important. Truth of the matter is, other people can hurt you and are definitely capable of doing so considering people can be entirely inconsiderate and heartless, but it's always up to you if you are going to let them, and if so how you're going to deal with it - do you stay or do you go? What is best for YOU? and what are you going to do about yourself right now? Cry over it or focus on what's good in your life? And in the end, it's always you that hurts yourself more and more, not the person that you're blaming. The person you're blaming, that you want to hate, the moron you can't go a day without thinking about, is most likely going about his/her daily routine without even an attempt of spelling your name in his/her mind, so why waste time being miserable and conjuring up questions that you will never get the answer to? He/she feels relieved that there is no longer a 'mishap', so why don't you? This is something we rarely stop to think about it, and in my opinion, we all should. In my 'mishap', Ian was short lived, and therefore, so was my anger towards him, and in everything, I think that I can honestly say that he probably just didn't mean that much to me and that is solely because I have learned to love myself more than I can love anyone else and that is exactly why I am confident that I can overcome just about anything. I have crawled home from worse than Ian, and the fact that I walked away from the situation without even so much as a limp, but rather with a hop and skip in my step, proved that I know what I deserve and that he sure as hell wasn't it.

All in all, life is rough, but life is what you make it. You can sit around and think about it and wish about what could have been and/or what was or design blue-prints for your future, but nothing is ever what you make it out to be and everything is so much better when it's earned, a surprise or better yet, deserved. We all get what's coming to us, it's a matter of karma, what goes around comes around right? And with reading past posts, I've realized that the more good that I put out there, the better I turn out to be. Therefore, my chin is up, my chest is out, my airways are clear and no matter who or what gets in my way, they can never get into my head because that is all mine. When my feet start walking away, I'm just going to take them on the path worth taking, the one that I know I can make it through with optimal results because obviously, I have made it safely home through what I thought could not have got any worse, and here I am, alive and well, ready to do what I do and that's live.

I'm a strong woman. I know this. Not much can phase me.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

All your dreams got lost or traded and all you ever cared about got lost... [20 Jan 2008|12:40pm]
If you knew what I know, would you try before your time has run on you and worn you down?
Would you know what you desire in your heart? If you knew what I know, would you try?

Is there time? Is there time to follow just one desire?
Is there time? Is there time to follow your heart?

Dress your wounds. Test your strength. Face the night.
Crave the touch. Feel the pain. Know the signs.


Is there truth in your pain? You decide.
If you knew what I know, would you try?

Is there time? Is there time to follow just one desire?
Is there time? Is there time to follow your heart?

As we lie in the shade of poison trees, are we as safe as we let ourselves believe?
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[13 Jan 2008|06:01pm]
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[10 Dec 2007|10:38pm]
Everybody's like, "He's no item. Please don't like him! He don't wife 'em, he one nights 'em!" Now she don't like him, [and] she never met him. Groupies try to take advantage of him, he won't let 'em. He don't need 'em, so he treats 'em like he treats 'em. Better them than me, she don't agree with him. She's mad at that, he's not havin that, so those opposites attract like mag-a-nets.

She sees more than the Benz wagon, the friends taggin along with a flashy nigga braggin on the song. She gets a glimpse of Shawn and she likes that. He 2 ways her, so she writes back. Smiley faces after all of her phrases. Either she the one or I'm caught in the matrix. Fuck it, let the Fish-burn. Red or green pill, you live and you learn. C'mon!





Jay-Z is so deep... and I dig it.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

The best revenge is living well. [06 Dec 2007|11:56pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I've been relatively pain-free today and in somewhat good spirits. I'm slowly but surely coming to realize that this is what it is: I'm injured and I'm not able to return to sport just yet and probably won't for the next month or so depending on the results of some diagnostic testing and that is the reality of the situation and although it's unfortunate, that is just the way my tables have turned. However, when I do get back to what I consider a 'normal' life, I'll be ready but until then I'll take my time to regain my strength, my sanity, and most importantly, my full potential.

Aside from my knee injury and the frustrations that have come along with it, I've had my fair share of emotional issues that did not arise from the injury. I've been struggling with letting go of the hold I have on my heart for a long time and that is because I am not ready to give it up considering I have a life to begin putting together, I understand that. However, I've only recently began to see the upsides to casually dating and realized that this is something that I want to do because even though I was thought to have been doing this, I haven't to the extent that I should be. By casual dating, I mean actually having sit-down dinners and long conversations, watching movies, hanging out and having a good time with more than one person at a time, but not at the exact same time. I owe it to myself to have fun, meet new people, and get out there and see what I can do. After what happened the other day in terms of Peter, I realized that I can be too hidden and even though there's nothing wrong with that (at least not yet), I should try to step outside of my comfort zone and make time for things that do not involve my textbooks and working at the clinic. Instead of sitting around watching TV, I should go out on a date with someone that may or not be a good guy, but at least I'll come home knowing that I tried.

Today I was talking to someone new and it was refreshing. I love to learn about new people and I love it when new people take the time to learn about me because afterall, someone is only new for a day and once the day is done and over with, its just a regular person that can become old news really fast. Although I am aware of some negative things that are involved with his reputation, I'm not going to dwell on that. I know how to protect myself and I know how to control my emotions while listening to my heart and my head. The Peter situation just helped me recognize this even more and helped me to see that someone like this guy is what I'm ready for. I was scared of change, but now I have nothing left to lose. With the loss of sports, I've been at loss for fun and this is my chance. For a while now I've thought I lost my game, but after today's conversation with Mr. New I'm definitely aware that I've still got it, and I'm probably better than ever. I'm ready to have fun. This is it.


"I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart. You want to get inside? Then you need to get in line."

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Slap my face just to feel, to feel you there again [04 Dec 2007|06:20pm]
I get it, I'm distant, but that doesn't mean that I'm not unaware of how to open myself up emotionally - it's just a matter of me choosing not to subject myself to that. Whether it's because I'm not ready to commit to someone while I'm in the process of committing to others things or whether it's because "there's just not enough salt to melt this ice", it's ultimately my decision on how I choose to act on that. Whatever the reason, this is me and this is what I have to deal with right now. It's my life, and I'll choose when I'm willing and if I'm alright. I'm not heartless, I'm just not willing to be heart felt at this moment in time. Is that such a negative thing?

Selfishness is not something that I have always been accustom to. It's not something I lived my life practicing, until now. This is my time; I'm young, I'm free, I'm determined, I'm having fun... but sometimes the intention of having fun is not translated into being a good time.

I don't associate myself with bad people, but bad people associate themselves with me. They walk into my life disguised as someone new, someone fresh, someone that won't slap me in the face and call it a day in due time. However, these are never the good people that they claim to be; they are the same as everyone else and it hurts them to hear it, but the truth hurts.

So, here I am, thanking myself for being the annoyingly distant person that I was. After long serious talks meant to break the distance I kept increasing, of trying to uncover the reasons behind my actions, of countless assumptions and what were thought to be breakthroughs, I'm celebrating the fact that I never let myself open up. Here I am feeling relieved that even in those moments where I was about to let loose and test the potential of what I kept being told would be something great, I continued to hold back and I am so glad that I listened to my head, and not my heart. How stupid would I have felt if this boy had opened me up, and then replaced me with the girl he has been trying to get with all along? How dare he tell me that I need to open up, become more open to commitment, especially when commitment involved him. How dare he tell me that I was missing out on something amazing, on something worthwhile, when he was feeding someone else the exact same lines. I saved myself from an unnecessary heartbreak and I am grateful. I knew I was strong before, but I believe myself when I say it now. I know what I'm doing. I know how to listen to my body, my heart, and my mind. I know how to stand up for myself and get what I want or avoid what I don't want.

I'm open to a fucking lot of things, I'm just not open to being confused. When someone or something comes along that is worthwhile, I'll know it and when that happens, it won't be so hard to let my guard down because it will break itself down without me consciously wishing it would do so.

I can't believe I almost thought that the walls that were up meant something deeper than just not having feelings for this person. I can't believe that I was almost forced into believing that I could have been happy, that I could have been in good hands. Thank god I am smarter than that.

So....

So long sincerity, escape your mind, it's your save haven from reality, but it's okay. It didn't mean much anyway to me.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Slap my face just to feel, to feel you there again [04 Dec 2007|06:12pm]
I get it, I'm distant, but I'm not unaware of how to open myself up emotionally - it's just a matter of me choosing not to subject myself to that. Whether it's because I'm not ready to commit to someone while I'm in the process of committing to others things or whether it's because "there's just not enough salt to melt this ice". Whatever the reason, this is me and this is what I have to deal with right now. It's my life, and I'll choose when I'm willing and if I'm alright. I'm not heartless, I'm just not willing to be heart felt at this moment in time. Is that such a negative thing?

Selfishness is not something that I have always been accustom to. It's not something I lived my life practicing, until now. This is my time; I'm young, I'm free, I'm determined, I'm having fun... but sometimes the intention of having fun is not translated into being a good time.

I don't associate myself with bad people, but bad people associate themselves with me. They walk into my life disguised as someone new, someone fresh, someone that won't slap me in the face and call it a day in due time. However, these are never the good people that they claim to be; they are the same as everyone else and it hurts them to hear it, but the truth hurts.

So, here I am, thanking myself for being the annoyingly distant person that I was. After long serious talks meant to break the distance I kept increasing, of trying to uncover the reasons behind my actions, of countless assumptions and what were thought to be breakthroughs, I'm celebrating the fact that I never let myself open up. Here I am feeling relieved that even in those moments where I was about to let loose and test the potential of what I kept being told would be something great, I continued to hold back and I am so glad that I listened to my head, and not my heart. How stupid would I have felt if this boy had opened me up, and then replaced me with the girl he has been trying to get with all along? How dare he tell me that I need to open up, become more open to commitment, especially when commitment involved him. How dare he tell me that I was missing out on something amazing, on something worthwhile, when he was feeding someone else the exact same lines. I saved myself from an unnecessary heartbreak and I am grateful. I knew I was strong before, but I believe myself when I say it now. I know what I'm doing. I know how to listen to my body, my heart, and my mind. I know how to stand up for myself and get what I want or avoid what I don't want.

I'm open to a fucking lot of things, I'm just not open to being confused. When someone or something comes along that is worthwhile, I'll know it and when that happens, it won't be so hard to let my guard down because it will break itself down without me consciously wishing it would do so.

I can't believe I almost thought that the walls that were up meant something deeper than just not having feelings for this person. I can't believe that I was almost forced into believing that I could have been happy, that I could have been in good hands. Thank god I am smarter than that.

So....

So long sincerity, escape your mind, it's your save haven from reality, but it's okay. It didn't mean much anyway to me.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Just my luck. [06 Nov 2007|08:33pm]
There's a chance, one of us will give in soon. I could ask, but what's an answer gonna prove? I tried to get mad, but the fever drops. My heart can't break 'cause the beating stops. Yeah, suck that lucky feeling right outta me.

Wanna wrath? Take a look around the room. It's a dance, tired steps in brand new shoes. I can only take a guess what morning brings. If it feels too good, then it probably is. Yeah, suck that lucky feeling right outta me

I follow your sign, wherever it leads I go, but you turned your back so easily. It tells me everything I need, yeah.

Waiting for the line to move a foot, yeah. Wasting my life on nothing good. Yeah, suck that lucky feeling right outta me.

I should apt to tie it down or cut you loose. It's a trap, and I'm sure I should not move. When I try to sing along, the needle skips. I'm hoping that I'm wrong, but the half is friction. Yeah, suck that lucky feeling right outta me. Yeah you sucked that lucky feeling right outta me.

Yeah, you sucked that lucky feeling right outta me.





... bad luck caused by bad people. It's the story of my life.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

...And it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying, but it's mine to decide when and if I'll be alright, and that's just a thing that takes time. [22 Oct 2007|01:04pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

It's no surprise that I've had a bad week. I partially tore my LCL (i.e. a really bad/major knee sprain) and now I'm out of athletics for 4-6 weeks and having to go through intense physio, and my grandpa passed away the night I got injured as well. My mom was a bitch to me when I told her about my knee, and for the icing on the cake, my brother was supposed to be at the hospital with me, but decided it wasn't important. By the sounds of it, it seems like I would have spent the night bawling my eyes out and wishing my life didn't have to be so hard, but it was nothing like that - I was alright. My heart immediately kept me positive, and I took everything that happened to me and listed all of the pro's, and told the con's to fuck off.

Pro's of my knee injury:

1. I don't get to play for 90% of the season now as the team captain, but I do get to coach the team that I put together personally, and share (almost) everything I know about the sport that I am completely in love with with them, so I don't have to completely leave the sport while I recover.

2. I study these types of things in school, and now having actually experienced precisely what I want to specialize in, I get to tell patients that I know how they feel, and actually mean it.

3. I get to participate in physiotherapy and take everything I do into the bank and bring it to my own potential career path. I also have a great physiotherapist whom is intent on helping me out as best he can, getting me back a.s.a.p. and while I'm along for the ride, quizzes me on anatomy, teaches me theories, and gets me prepared for my future in more ways than one.

4. I have the support of my family. My mom, although a bitch at first about it, is great. She makes sure I rest, she brings me snacks and my ice packs, and she drives me wherever I need to go and my sisters-in-law have also been great, we've had several amazing talks lately.

5. My knee will be stronger than ever. I'll have rehabilitated it to the point where I'll be better than ever. This challenge will definitely make me a better athlete, as well as a better student, and a better therapist.

When it happened, I kept telling myself that a bad day is always followed by a better day, and I wasn't just forcing myself to believe it, I knew it, and it's exactly what I got. I got hired at a very prestigious sports medicine clinic owned by a world famous doctor and I know that it's going to be the experience of a lifetime, and I can already tell that I am going to love it. They are already talking about hiring me as their kinesiologist and it makes me nervous, excited, and comes as a shock because I never thought that just letting things happen would make things happen, but they did and here I am.

In terms of my Grandfather, it's going to be hard knowing that I won't be seeing him anymore, at least not for a while, but he lived 94 years of life and I am so incredibly lucky to have had him in my life for 21 years. We may not have been the closest due to the distance, but there was love there and I learned a lot from him. He was an inspiration to me, a hard worker, and I'm going to take that with me throughout my life. However, with his death, I get to spend more time with my Grandmother know that she will be living nearby with my aunt and that is nothing short of amazing. She's the best person I've ever known - so strong, so loving, and so selfless. I love her with all of my heart and it's so exciting to be able to spend more than twice a year with her now that she's practically a neighbour.

So, what the hell is the point in being angry that I got hurt or that there was a death? At first I thought I wasn't crying about anything because I was heartless - I thought I turned to stone, but that's not the case at all. It's because I finally understand what being optimistic is all about. I get how positivity makes a huge difference with not only myself, but with other people. I know that I'm going to face a ton of obstacles due to my injury like being left out, not being able to fully enjoy myself at upcoming halloween parties, possibly having to do swimming training all over again because I'm missing out on so much and I can keep going. However, with all this, I'll learn something. I'll know who my true friends are or I'll find out, I'll learn from my experience and take it to the clinic with me, I'll get over not being able to dance and just appreciate it more when I'm fully recovered and able to do so, etc. There is so much more good that can come out of all of this and if I was to sit around and feel sorry for myself, I wouldn't get myself anywhere.

I need to use this as my motivation. If everyone is out dancing, and I'm at home, I can study and work on doing as best as I can with my schoolwork. There are so many options and higher roads that I can take, and when I take them I'll gain a better appreciation of my life and the one's who continue to stay in it - through thick and thin.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

It's up to me. [26 Sep 2007|02:02am]
[ mood | productive ]

We're all easily influenced whether we like it or not. It's the consequence of living a social existance. We're constantly trying to fit in, yet not lose who we are (or who we think we are), yet broaden our horizons, yet appeal to someone new (or old, but in new ways), yet maintain composure or gain closure, or just feel accepted by any means necessary. I suppose that is why it's so easy to get frustrated and upset, but it seems so hard to get satisfied or happy. We can't "get" happiness, we have to earn it and that can be difficult when we set goals, but don't have enough confidence to work hard and get what we want. Instead, we wait. We wait for things to come to us and to be convenient. We wait for the perfect timing (which is in fact never perfect because perfection is totally random), the perfect words to enter our thoughts and escape our mouths, and most importantly, we wait for things to be over. We wait for the storm to pass, and we all know that in a lifetime, letting one storm pass doesn't mean it's gone forever.

It's tough living day to day but it's how it should be done. Actually, it's how it has to be done. Unfortunately, it takes an unfortunate experience for someone to realize that that is how to live in order to appreciate everything a lot more - one moment at a time, one task at a time, one minute at a time, etc. For me, this approach started as a means of "waiting for the storm to pass". I figured if I occupied myself with things that will benefit me and I focus on one thing at a time, it will keep me busy and the thoughts that I wished would quit invading my brain would be replaced by productivity. Well, I was right. I focussed on myself and sure enough, I began to love myself because I started to learn how I work, how I respond, how I react and what I really want out of my life as well as my potential to get what I want and deserve it. And now, I look at all of that and of course I'm proud, but it has sort of become something that might be my self-destruct button if I choose to use it in that way.

I used to be the person that had everyone else on a pedastal - my family, my friends, my boyfriend or prospect - but never did I think about myself and what I wanted or needed, and if/when I did think about that, it was behind closed doors and in my own thoughts where no one could hear what I really had to say - it was my dirty little secret. I was scared that being selfish, if even for a moment, would make me seem selfish overall, therefore not being of interest in someone's life anymore, but with living that way, I lost a lot more than interest; I lost the essence of me. Now that I've regained it (me), mastered it, and own it, I feel as if the person that I am now is too tough, too cold and too hard to ruin, which is not necessarily a great thing; I feel like I've forgotten how to feel. I've been finding myself comparing the old me to the new me, old feelings to "new" feelings, and in the end I just come to the same conclusion: I don't really care enough to fix the situation or change it or even see it as a problem because in my eyes, it's nothing... and maybe it is nothing.

Feelings, especially romantic ones, are no longer a priority whatsoever. I don't even notice if they exist, and if they do, I don't bother pursuing them. I miss the things that come with the romantic life of course, but I know that if I wanted it that badly, I'd have it. I acknowledge they are there (potential feelings) in my own mind and I continue working on my own business be it school work or soccer organizing or whatever else that I have going on that needs to get done because it's just what I'm programmed to do at this point. Boys have become the least of my worries, the lowest of the low on the totem pole. I don't want to go on dates and when I do, even if they turn out to be a good time, I will never think of going on a second date or even pursuing that potential. Instead the situation turns into "wow, this guy is great" while he's around, but once he's gone, it's almost as if he wasn't as great as I thought considering he's not missed. I don't think it's that he's not missed anymore due to him not being great, I just think it's a matter of he can't be missed because I have too much other crap to worry about and therefore, I'm not interested in reorganizing my life to accomodate something (or someone) new, and because I don't want to do this, it's not worth putting out all of this effort to try and get it to be that way. I'm not that dense. I have no problem with taking risks, especially with the opposite sex, but why throw myself out there, put all of my time and effort into trying to initiate a potential situation when my heart just isn't into it? I don't want to go out of my way (i.e. drive out of city) to hang out. Even if I'm bored out of my mind and I want to go out, the invitation to hang out in another part of town or another city (even if it is 40 mins away) doesn't appeal to me - I'd rather read my textbooks or do nothing at home and continue with the boredom in that situation. I don't want to compare the new boy to boys of the past, but unfortunately I do or vice versa - I don't do it enough - either way, it gets me into trouble or throws off the thought processing which never turns out well for the new guy. I don't want to have no feelings, especially when there's some sort of click or chemistry, but it's hard for me to take it to an emotional level at this point in my life, therefore it's easy for me to not feel that that person is of significance in my life, thus it's easy to quit talking or hanging out, which leads me to the next thought. I don't think that a month (sometimes even six months) of not talking/hanging out is a long time, but apparently it is. If someone doesn't call me in a week, or talk to me in two weeks, they become forgotten and once again, move to the bottom of the priority list. I don't have bitter feelings or any kind of negative perspective of this person considering nothing happened, I just can't be bothered with keeping up with every single person I meet. I have a select few people that I go out of my way to talk to everyday but those are usually the people I've had in my life long enough for them to know everything, therefore updates aren't really updates considering they know what's going on even after not talking to me for a week, or a month, etc.

Overall, I don't do a lot of things in terms of the social/romantic life because I am focussing on me. Sometimes I wish I wasn't, but I guess I've reached a point in my life where something inside of me feels that it's critical to just wait for the social/romantic part to come to me, and earn everything else with hard work, dedication and goal setting because hey, waiting is a part of everyone. We all do it. And waiting has always been a part of me that got me into a lot of trouble in the past and created a lot of hardships and heartache, but I've learned that waiting doesn't have to be a guideline nor a priority, it's on the sidelines recovering while I'm playing the field. It's merely a subunit to my busy life. If I sat around and waited primarily, nothing would get done and I would waste away. So, eventually, what I'm waiting for will be ready to come off of the bench, but until then, I've got a game to play and right now, it's the most important game of my so-called life.





"You want to feel loose. You want to see how I'm abused, I see. You want to get faded. You never want to concentrate on me. I'm too much of an angel. I'm too much of a saint though I can't be. I'm too much of a reject you don't expect much from. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I'm not hated too. I want to get closer. I want to feel the most I'd get from you. I'm too much on the rebound. I'm too much on the ground though you can't be. You're always getting higher, you don't desire me. So, what've I got to prove and what've I got to lose when you're not worth fighting for? And why am I feeling down while you're out messing around? You?re not worth begging for... Just wanted to stop by. Just wanted to see you one last time. Just wanted to say bye. Just wanted to get you off my mind. Just wanted to fit in, but then I saw you with [her]. It's up to me. It's up to me and I'm still falling. It's up to me. It's up to me and I'm still calling. It's up to me and I'm still hoping for you to hold me, to let you go, but for all you know. I'm already gone."
- Five Times August

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Why does every moment have to be so hard? [22 Sep 2007|07:36pm]
[ music | Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever ]

Dating is hard. We all know this. Dating is supposed to be simple, but instead it becomes a complex game filled with so many expectations, comparisons, and of course, judgement. A date is always filled with confusion caused by things like chemistry, awkward question and answer sessions, not knowing how to be yourself or if you can even be yourself, and so many other ridiculous thoughts rushing to your head all at once. Dating is fun, without a doubt, but eventually, you will come to a fork in the road where you have to make a decision - leave or stay, is he/she worth it or not? And that is where it gets tough.

In recent months, I've decided to stay single. I've went on a fair amount of dates with people from my past, as well as guys I had just met, but I always end up in the same place and that being not really caring. I've just been in a place where I wanted to be all about me. Being single means being able to focus on my school, my career, my friends and family, myself and I can go out and party, act stupid, do what I want with who I want, there's no waiting for phone calls or making them, no questions, no worries, just a ridiculous amount of fun that can be hard to handle sometimes.

But lately, after a couple of dates with someone that has seemed to continuously be around the last two years is making me wonder if I am blind to what is really around me. When I'm with someone I feel something, even a slight something, but when I'm without them, it's not even a big deal, but is this normal? Because I'm mistaking it for not caring, but maybe this is me just being an idiot and hiding from myself and whatever is really going on. Maybe I'm scared of potential.

I think I'm only as loyal as my options, and right now, I've got way too many options.


"...Built a wall around my heart. I'll never let it fall apart, but strangely I wish secretly it would fall down while I'm asleep. If you don't know then you can't care, and you show up, but you're not there..."

4 | Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[15 Sep 2007|07:57pm]
I finally got myself a new kitten about a week ago. She is absolutely incredible and I am overwhelmingly happy and I find myself wanting to be at home so I can be around her, it's a feeling I almost forgot but I am so glad that I caught myself before I did. I did have a little bit of a scare as she seemed pretty sick and didn't look to be taking to her food, but it looks as if she is getting back on track. It's going to be such an awesome experience to watch yet another kitten grow up. It's weird to say, but I feel like she was meant to be mine, hence why I impulsively bought her. Her personality is an identical match to Tiger and Pixxy combined, it's amazing and so comforting. I guess it was just my time.

However, every once in a while, I am finding myself missing the old days...

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you and when I laid beside you for the first time I told you, "I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you"... and now we're saying bye. Bye bye. I was nineteen, calling. I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down beside you and tell you, "I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you"... and now we're saying bye.
I was nineteen, call me. Flew home, back to where we met, stayed inside I was so upset. Cooked up a plan so good except I was all alone, you were all I had. Love you, you were all mine. Love me, I was yours, right?
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Just keep moving on. There are no perfect endings. [23 Aug 2007|12:35am]
[ mood | anxious ]

How many times have we slept side by side, a thousand miles apart? And how many times have we thought we could finish something we could never even start? How many times have I said I love you and I hate you in the same breath? And how many times have we tried to grab something when there was nothing?

In the last couple of years, I've worked on crawling out of my shy exterior and have learned to just be myself and it's worked pretty well. I have no issues confronting people and speaking up, nor have I really avoided rejection as if it were some form of fatal illness. The carefree, outgoing and strong person I once claimed to be is now the person that I really am.

It is pretty obvious that it is a lot easier to keep quiet about things than it is to be confrontational, especially when the topic of conversation would be your emotions. If anyone wanted to be a victim of rejection, then they would audition, right? In my opinion, that's how a lot of people work, I've also been guilty of this technique a few times myself. However, recently I've come to realize that when I am in a situation where I'm keeping quiet rather than speaking up, it's not because I'm trying to avoid a potential failure. I'm keeping to myself because I'm not sure how I feel, therefore trying to find the words to say is that much harder when I don't even know what the feelings are that I am feeling. When I'm on, I'm really fucking on, but when I'm off, I don't really care about much. I was just in a conversation that I thought would mean so much, but it ended up meaning nothing. Last night I was even up thinking, wishing, and hoping, asking myself questions like "what my future would be like if..." and "I wonder if it's possible to..." and for those few moments during those few thoughts, I thought I felt something. It's when I am in the comfort of my own heart and head that I feel these things, but when I am put out there, face to face, potentially heart to heart, I feel absolutely nothing - no butterflies, no shorts of breath, none of the same thoughts arise, no words escape my lips pertaining to anything even slightly romantic or on a topic that would lead to anything romantic, etc, and it's something that I barely understand. Maybe this is me hoping I still feel something, wanting to feel anything. Maybe this is me just craving some form of attention, being lonely, being immature and stupid. Or maybe this is me playing tricks on myself and simply just trying to form a friendship and not knowing how to - it's hard to say, but what I can say is that I don't really think that what I think I'm feeling is actually existant. Sometimes all anyone needs are chilly nights and warmer thighs, because there is nothing like being held, and sometimes it's easy to think that you forgot what something like that feels like and you ache to bring a memory back to reality, or better yet, start new memories. It is especially easy to miss what it's like to have someone be all about you and in turn, be all about someone else because in all honesty, it gets pretty boring living life for yourself and being entirely selfish, even though that is what being young (and 21) is all about. But, in the midst of all of this what-I-think-is-misconceived-confusion, I'm not looking for a way out of it. I don't think it's something that needs to be solved because I don't even think it's a problem. I think it's an annoying circumstance that will work itself out once I find something better to occupy my mind with and with school just around the corner, I'm sure this entry will be a write off and something I will forget all about in a couple of weeks.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[18 Aug 2007|04:02am]
Here I come when I better go. I say yes when I ought to say no.

Sometimes I get myself into the dumbest circumstances and there is only me to blame, so the least I can do is hope it's fun while it lasts because I'll probably question myself later.

I wish I could just speak up, get it over with, and gain some closure. It's the fear of not knowing what I will feel or how I will react towards myself after the fact regardless of the outcome that stops me from doing so. The fear of rejection hardly phases me anymore. Could this be a step in the right direction? A possible conquered fear? Who the fuck cares. Either way, I'm still replacing an accomplished goal with some form of horrible new obstacle.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

No more hugs, no more handshakes, no more "see you around." [13 Aug 2007|03:13pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You don't care, you don't worry, you're impartial to that ex-girl/boyfriend's bad decisions, etc. That person just isn't important anymore. Although they still exist and are still living and breathing, it has no effect on your life, your future, your anything; it just makes no difference. However, from time to time, we all have a lapse in judgement where we stop, second-guess, think and wonder only to realize that words are a waste of breath and thoughts are a waste of dreams. At some point in your life, those memories aren't going to mean a damn thing and will be long forgotten and you will be living six feet under in a wooden box - it's the story of all of our lives. We're human, we're built to hurt, and unfortunately, some people take this too far, but I've come to realize that everything is replaceable, even feelings.

One minute someone is into me, and the other, they aren't. It's annoying, yes, but it's also incredibly stupid and completely obvious - this type of intention isn't fooling anyone, not even yourself. I'm not going to make myself someone that is used as a fallback, so I never give in to that bullshit. Why would I? It's not something I deserve. I'm not someone who is going to hang out with a boy (because men don't pull that kind of garbage) while he debates his feelings between myself and someone else. I am not a licensed therapist, and if someone intends on using me as a source of clarity, then I'd hope they were going to pay me for the hours that I had put in to that decision making process (regardless of the outcome) because at least then it becomes a doctor-patient relationship/job placement rather than a potential girlfriend-boyfriend relationship set-up doomed to fail. It's not fair, it's not logical, it's not necessary.

Bottom line:

You're either in love, or you're not, and in reference to having common sense logic, there's no such thing as thinking love over. When you're in love, it is never confusing - don't lie to yourself and say that it is. You're either in love, or indifferent; the rest is all in your head.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[03 Aug 2007|08:44pm]
There is nothing amusing about someone telling you who you are and there is nothing more frustrating then that person being completely wrong, yet thinking they are complete right. How do you defend yourself if they seem so set in their perception of you? Does that situation say something about that person or does it say something about you? Whatever the answer, I'm not into it and this has been a big issue for me lately.

"You're into big ballin' clubs anyways"
"I think you've conditioned yourself to be very hard to get attached to."
"Oh, I didn't know you were still into that."
..and I can keep going.

It's all very annoying. No one call tell me who I am especially when I'm the only person who has to deal with me every day, yet I don't have a complete sense of who I am. It's ridiculous. I don't care if you've known me for a month, a year, or however many years, it's not your place to tell me what I like and dislike, what traits I have versus the ones I used to have. Yes, people change, and yes I have changed, but my interests are still the same, my personality hasn't changed, and my overall being sure as hell hasn't changed. I don't understand where people get these ideas of me from, especially when I could swear I've never displayed such characteristics nor ever said something like, "I like - insert item here -." Anyways, this is just a rant based on how annoyed I am and basically it is set out to tell whoever is guilty of doing this to keep to themselves about me. If you don't know who I am anymore, or if you question certain things, ask me - get to know me again. Don't fucking come to conclusions and assumptions about the person I am when you really have no clue. Prejudging someone is lame. This is all.


Oh, and to those who are on and off with interest in me, get a life. I really need to stop wasting time on people who are there one minute, and gone the next with no interest in me until I have something worth their while to offer. If I'm not someone who is consistent for you, quit me before you just get on my bad side.

Okay, now I'm finished.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[31 Jul 2007|01:45am]
There are times when you stop, and you think and you continue to ask yourself how the hell you ended up in this place, and where the fuck is it going to take you. It's in that moment that you wonder: "If I could go back, would I? Am I living my life exactly the way it was intended to be lived?" And after what seems like hours of silent staring at the wall, you snap out of it and realize (like you always do) that asking yourself these questions always has and always will get you no where but in the moment that you created for yourself. If you want to be miserable, you will be. If you want to be happy, you will be. If you want to miss someone, you will, but if you ever want someone to miss you, they won't. You're only in control of so much and what it comes down to is you're born alone, and you die alone, therefore, you can only take care of yourself when it comes to your mentality and emotions. No one else hears you think and that is precisely why thinking can get you into so much trouble.

Because it's your own personal thought, your own best-kept secret, it becomes an extremely powerful thing that can even blur the line between reality and make-believe. Thoughts can play tricks on your own mind that keep you from recognizing what was made up in your head and what has experientially happened in the physical, and you can easily lose sense of what is the truth and what is a lie.
Confusion is so prominant with thoughts, and again, can get you into so much trouble. I know it's impossible to stop thinking, but I suppose there is no harm in thinking more critically. Maybe putting some thought into thought will help to counteract it's potential destruction of any emotional well-being I consider myself to have. It's not up to me to keep people in my life, but it is up to me to determine who it is I still want around, therefore, it's up to me to establish who is important enough to miss and who I am fooled into thinking I miss because they put a smile on my face once or twice before in my past where they should be staying. Some people aren't worth the time, so they seem better in your mind - they are idealized because no one wants to remember associating themselves with a complete douchebag, the positive aspect to any person is always exaggerated - a possible protective mechanism for ourselves, a reputation that we see of ourselves maybe? I suppose that is what my trouble is. It's time to put all thought aside and just live for the moment like I've been doing. A simple stumble in a well-working fully established busy schedule is normal - this is me getting back on track. There's not much I can do about what I miss except look beyond that and move forward without caring. I'm going to concentrate on staying happy because afterall, happiness should never be a thought - it should be a state of mind.
Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

...because I'm nothing special. [27 Jul 2007|01:50am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

My timing is always horrible; if everything is always all about timing then I am definitely never going to get anywhere. I'm constantely too early, or worst yet, too late - it's never something that I can get used to. Time is always the one thing that hurts the most because it is always so disappointing - there are never enough hours in a day. Then there's that entire optimistic perspective of time where some say that time heals all wounds, but whoever came up with this principle forgot to mention one thing: this doesn't necessarily mean that the wound will heal correctly - there's always the possibility of developing a scar and we all know that scars are always reminders of the past, i.e. a trap set in time.

I wish I could escape the confines of time and just get things done when I want to. I wish that time was nothing but a frame of mind. I wish I didn't even grasp the concept because then maybe I would be able speak my mind when I wanted to without thinking of when the right time to say what I needed to say was. Time is my curse. It controls my day, my emotions, my life, and because I don't understand why, I also don't understand how to use it to my advantage. I've got a lot of things down to a science, but time will never be one of them. Just this once, I want it to be my time. I'm done chasing after something that is unattainable, like a pendulum, just counting seconds while never getting anywhere except back and forth and in and out of the same situations. What ever happened to those moments where time stands still and everything is about you? I suppose that in my life, time is the fairytale lie - I'll have until midnight before everything goes to hell and I'm back to being the person I was the day before.

Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

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