||Confident, Better Than Ever.
||The Reason Feat. Sara Quin - We're So Beyond This
I briefly went through some of my old blurty entries and it was like I travelled through time. I wasn't particularly effected by the things that I read, but it was interesting to remember how emotional I had been at that point in my life and how I overcame circumstances that I could have sworn would be the death of me. It was also interesting to note how my love life has been nothing short of a vicious cycle - same type of people, same beginning with the same end. However, with each experience noted in this journal, I've come out swinging. I've lived and I have learned and I continue to amaze myself. There are still things about myself that I understand could use some work and in turn can positively effect my life, however where I am now in comparison to where I was 3 years ago is a difference that could only be counted in lightyears.
I am someone that has been through many heartbreaks, some more traumatizing than others, and I understand that the damage has been done, thus that part of my heart will never be the same. Nothing ever is. Nothing is ever good as it was. However, your body is known for compensating. With every injury, there is scar tissue. It's not as durable, it sure as hell isn't exactly what that tissue used to be, but it serves as a reminder as to what happened because even though you may forget, your body never does - it's a known physiological fact, but at least it's a repairative effort and this effort is all in consideration of you - it's there to help you remember that you can't hurt like that again, so do whatever it is that you need to do to walk the path that is all your own. Don't take the path of razor blades, the tallest mountains, and rough terrain unless you're a trained professional or ready to come out with broken bones, cuts and bruises, and one long as hell recovery time because you're asking for it. Sure, life is about taking risks, but taking risks that seriously put you in danger, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, whatever... is never worth it. Our body loves to feel pain because it reminds us that we are alive, that we are capable of survival, but purposely putting yourself through the same type of pain is a death wish. Suffering and healing are never the same thing. Your body doesn't want you to hurt, it wants you to be functional, and you should want to be that for yourself. And within the last couple of years, through reading my old blurty entries, I've recognized that I used to let my body mend itself yet I was never willing to help out in areas where I should have, but now, I understand just how important it is to not only let scar tissue lay itself down, but it's also important to heal myself for myself, not just for my physical functionality - It's crucial to figure out my thoughts, focus on myself, understand that healing in any circumstance takes time and that even time takes time. There is nothing in this world that is as important as myself in my life considering no one can understand me or know me better than I know myself, therefore, I should support myself in all of my decisions because afterall, I'm the only one that knows if what I am doing is wrong, or right.
We come into this world alone, and we die alone, yet through it all we manage to fall in and out of love all in attempt to do none other but what? Figure ourselves out, of course. Everything we do is selfish, but why does that always have to be seen as a negative thing? Why can't some of the selfish things that we do be positive? In life, we all make a shitload of mistakes. Hell, some of us even live off of our mistakes, but really, the key to it all is to be smart enough to live and learn, and be smarter enough to live and learn from seeing somebody else fuck up. I guess that is why we are put on this earth with all kinds of stupid people. No matter what each of us has to face, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Like I always say, "you can't feel better until you feel worse". If no one ever knew what pain was, we'd never know what feeling good was either. With every negative, there should always be a positive and with every positive, there will be a sense of accomplishment and that is exactly what I have learned and what I may have overlooked in past circumstances and what I had forgot to mention in past entries.
If this Ian and I situation (that I wouldn't even call a situation since it lasted about a day, so, let's call it a 'mishap') happened a year ago, I would not have this outlook. It has not effected my quality of life at all. I wake up everyday and I go to bed at night without any problems. I'm hanging out with my friends in the same way and my heart hasn't felt the need to lay down any scar tissue - no damage has been done. Why? Because he wasn't worth me hurting myself because ultimately, it's MY mind over MY matter and Ian... well... he's obviously no matter. He's yesterday's news, and no where near tomorrow's headline, therefore I'm not reading into it. He was a two-month potential-maybe that ended up being a two-month repeat of history. I've learned all that the situation could have taught me as it was something I experienced in the past, and there was nothing to be taken from it except that I need to trust my own intuition and recognize that I do know what's best for myself. However, it is not something that I would delete if given the chance, but rather something that I would fast-forward through because it really was nothing important. Truth of the matter is, other people can hurt you and are definitely capable of doing so considering people can be entirely inconsiderate and heartless, but it's always up to you if you are going to let them, and if so how you're going to deal with it - do you stay or do you go? What is best for YOU? and what are you going to do about yourself right now? Cry over it or focus on what's good in your life? And in the end, it's always you that hurts yourself more and more, not the person that you're blaming. The person you're blaming, that you want to hate, the moron you can't go a day without thinking about, is most likely going about his/her daily routine without even an attempt of spelling your name in his/her mind, so why waste time being miserable and conjuring up questions that you will never get the answer to? He/she feels relieved that there is no longer a 'mishap', so why don't you? This is something we rarely stop to think about it, and in my opinion, we all should. In my 'mishap', Ian was short lived, and therefore, so was my anger towards him, and in everything, I think that I can honestly say that he probably just didn't mean that much to me and that is solely because I have learned to love myself more than I can love anyone else and that is exactly why I am confident that I can overcome just about anything. I have crawled home from worse than Ian, and the fact that I walked away from the situation without even so much as a limp, but rather with a hop and skip in my step, proved that I know what I deserve and that he sure as hell wasn't it.
All in all, life is rough, but life is what you make it. You can sit around and think about it and wish about what could have been and/or what was or design blue-prints for your future, but nothing is ever what you make it out to be and everything is so much better when it's earned, a surprise or better yet, deserved. We all get what's coming to us, it's a matter of karma, what goes around comes around right? And with reading past posts, I've realized that the more good that I put out there, the better I turn out to be. Therefore, my chin is up, my chest is out, my airways are clear and no matter who or what gets in my way, they can never get into my head because that is all mine. When my feet start walking away, I'm just going to take them on the path worth taking, the one that I know I can make it through with optimal results because obviously, I have made it safely home through what I thought could not have got any worse, and here I am, alive and well, ready to do what I do and that's live.
I'm a strong woman. I know this. Not much can phase me.