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I'm left here thinking about some of the tragic things that I am used to, one of these things being that I am never enough. 99% of me could be perfect, but that 1% is enough to make someone realize that I'm not 'enough'. In this case, I'm bringing the situation to myself.
Mike and I are great. We have been since day 1, and in terms of where we are, it's progressed so much further within the 6-7 months, but at the same time, it's also a stand still. Emotionally, my feelings for him increase every day. I care about him more and more as the day passes whether he is around or not. I miss him the second he's gone, and in that second, sometimes I'm guilty of imagining what kind of miss I would be feeling if that second was a lifetime and I can't help but realize that the thought really does bothers me, thus making him something special. I love that he wants to see me all the time, that he misses me back, that he enjoys my company, but at the same time, I sometimes think he wishes I was more. It bothers him that I live 25-30 minutes away because he's the type that dates closer to home, that would hang out for 30 minutes whenever he could at any time of the day, etc. I'm not that person. I've never dated anyone that lived that close, nor do I want to. I love having a buffer zone, I love having my own city be my own seperate space, but I don't think he views it that way or understands what that's like. I never have to worry about Mike, I know that he likes me (possibly loves me) enough to not want to hurt me, to do everything that he could just to see me smile. He treats me like I've always wanted to be treated, like I've always deserved to be treated, yet sometimes he treats me like a luxury item; something that you love, but not something you can be around every day, but wish you could be. Waiting to see him once a week ruins me because sometimes it can actually be painful to miss him that much and have to wait what seems like forever to be around him physically, but at the same time, if our lives permit it, regardless of travel, money or whatever else would influence it, I'd see him 50%+ of the week. However, if it was up to him, I'm sure he'd feel that 50+% of the week would be too much because of the travelling distance. I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time, why should I care? Although things are near perfect right now between us, he's NOT my boyfriend; he's a boy I'm dating. Nothing's been claimed, nothing's been set in stone, so why should I see him more than I have to? And right now, at this stage of 'dating'or whatever it is, maybe he only needs 14% (one day) of my week. Because of the fact that he is still 'gun-shy', why would I risk spending more of my time and more of my gas tank for someone that can break the chain as easily as it was unofficially attached and probably based on something such as distance being too much, too annoying, or better yet, not seeing eachother 'enough'.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Yeah right. Absence makes the heart find something closer. Maybe that's what he deserves...
UPDATE: So, that night immediately after writing this, I texted him asking that I hoped distance wasn't going to be used as something that would hold us back, or potentially be our downfall and he gave me the perfect answer... "Are you kidding me, babe? Do you think I'd really travel out to see you as much as I do if it was a factor, especially in the beginning? No way. This isn't an issue, at least not for me. Plus, sometimes you've gotta work a little bit harder for something worth it, and well, this is worth it. YOU'RE worth it." :)
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