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The one thing that I could never live without is you... [28 Aug 2012|01:38am] It has been a long while since I have wrote down any kind of emotional thought that I have come across. After today's events, I was sitting in bed being tortured by a cycle of feeling relieved and then feeling slightly angry over and over again and decided that it was time to write something down the way I used to in hopes of gathering my thoughts and gaining some perspective. So... here's hoping... The last few weeks have been stressful to say the least. I have had these huge ups and huge downs and anytime I am in the inbetween, I cannot be happier because I am desperate for balance - of any kind. Mike and I have been back together for about a year now and overall, I am so glad that he is back in my life. I have never felt that we were 100% over, but now that we are back together, I appreciate him that much more and am constantely reminded of how I never want to see him go ever again. I love every second of his presence and as soon as we leave, I instantely miss him and can hardly wait to see him again. With all that being said, I've also noticed that my tolerance and patience levels are significantly lower. I know what I deserve, and I know what I expect from Mike and if we are going to do this again then I want nothing but to be taken seriously. Alessandra (his ex) has always been an issue for me. Even though I have always known that I am (or would end up as) the primary girl in the equation, I have always felt slightly threatened or like I was some kind of competition. Always wondered if she offers more than I do or if she had some kind of advantage. Feeling that way was and is completely ridiculous considering I have always known that Mike and I are something completely different - I have never been in a relationship quite like the one I'm in with Mike and therefore, the same must be true for Mike. Today I find out that Mike has been catching up with her here and there. Totally innocent, which is fine. But then she takes it to this whole other level and thinks he wants to "hook up" and says she feels sorry for me and that she is flattered she still gets his attention, etc. For a 30 year old woman, I think that her behavior is childish and insecure. However, I suppose she can say the same things about me considering she has the same perspective of me that I do of her because we both have the same thing in common - we both love Mike and feel that we have a future with him. As of right now however, I am closer to that reality than she is and I feel like it would be appropriate for her to back off and leave us be, but again, what girl wants the threat of any girl after her man? Overall, it took me a long time to get to this point that I am at with him and trust him as much as I do and the last thing I want is to second guess myself and if I should trust him as much as I do based on some girl's emotional attachments to Mike. We talked about the situation for an hour on the phone and he really hammered the point home that he has no feelings for her, and I believe him, but at the back of my head, I wonder if I still need to worry about this. I wish I could message her myself and tell her to please just leave him be and let us be happy but I don't want to stoop to the same immature level that she does, plus, just the thought of doing something like that makes me anxious because I have never done a thing like that, nor would I. The thought just makes me cringe because I wouldn't want to draw any kind of negative confrontation or get myself into trouble that I couldn't handle, let alone lose the one person I care so much about over something so insignificant because yes, I really do think she is insignificant. I wish she didn't bother me so much :( I just want to be 100% secure in Mike and I's relationship. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love the guy more than anything. Sometimes I just want to kick myself for questioning anything - especially when it comes to a girl. I mean, even when I saw them together when we weren't, I knew that I still had the upper hand, yet why can't I shake being upset or my stomach turning when I see one of her messages or hear Mike's response to a question I have about her, etc? It blows my mind and I really can't put a finger on what it is that makes me feel that way. The past few weeks, my love for Mike has been exponential. I loved him from the moment I met him and I never thought that I could love him more than I did 4 years ago, but now, 4 years later, I realize that I was so wrong. When I am with him, he calms me right down. He makes me smile and laugh just by being himself, and in turn, has no judgement when I'm an idiot and goofy and can just be myself - if anything, he encourages that behavior. Every time he touches me, I feel warm all over and I melt. I get the best sleeps, with the best dreams, and sometimes just seeing him asleep next to me is all I need to feel safe and it instantely becomes the only place I ever want to be in. At Georgette's wedding, even with 300 people in the room, my eyes would consistently look for his in that back corner where he was sitting and every single time, he was easy to spot. It is entirely obvious how I feel about him and I am the happiest I have ever been when I am with him and I guess this whole situation upsets me because I am very protective about what we have and him in general. As cliche as this statement is, he really is the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. He is my life and I want to continue to share mine with him and vice versa - I want us to work. I don't want these retarded situations to continue and ruin what we have because WE are great - our external factors however, not so much and that worries me. :( I can't wait to message him tomorrow and maybe clear up a little bit more. I just want this day to be over and be one day closer to seeing him and just reminding myself of what it's like to be with him and really relax and recognize that we are together and that we matter to eachother. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Easy comes but doesn't stay; what comes easy, never stays. [26 Jul 2011|01:03am] [ mood | crushed ] Why does everyone fall in love quickly just to fall out of love faster? The reoccurring question in all of my tragic stories, but the real tragedy is the realization that I made today; the common factor in all of these unhappy endings, is me. I would never ask what is wrong with me persay, but what is it that keeps bringing me into these situations? Sometimes I wish that I could blame a twisted fate, but I also believe that fate presents itself as options and decisions. In which case it is more than obvious that I have been opening the wrong doors and making the worst decisions. In my life at this moment, I am surrounded by the most broken loves as well as the fairytale perfectly perfect loves and all I can think about is how I deserve neither. What is it about me that brings me back to the first question I asked in this post? Why am I so instantely loveable, but so short lived? I cannot afford to continuously put myself out there just to get shut down. It has made me feel like I am losing who I am because I am so confused every hour of every day that it breaks me. I can barely stand to look in the mirror these days because I am so sick of consistently disappointing the person that is looking back. This is not where I thought I would, nor wanted to be at the age of 25. I thought I would be a little more established in the love department and the rest would just find a way to working out so that everything would be perfectly timed, but I guess those were naiive expectations because I couldn't be further from reality with that daydream. Even though by age definition, I am dealing with grown men, I feel like I only attract temporary boys. None are real men - man enough to be open, honest, reliable and safe. The only common 'man' trait they all have is their god damn dicks and how they think with and use them. I want a real man. One that understands how to explore his feelings as well as express them. A man that treats me the way that I never thought I even deserved without any hints or expectations just because he enjoys my surprised smile. I want a traditional dozen roses with a note that says something charmingly simple and romantic. I want to be able to brag to my friends and family about the man of my dreams that treats me unbelievably well and wonder each and every day how I got to be so lucky. The scariest part about all of this is that I already feel like I have fucked up with what people like to refer as 'the one'. What do you do when you test and pass up fate time and time again? I feel so far gone and I think that is the most miserable part about all of this heartache. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

And all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding... [20 Mar 2010|03:13am] [ mood | annoyed ] I miss him every second of every day - some worse than others, right now being one of the worst. As much as I want to move on and be fair to someone that wants to be with me, I want more than anything for that person to be him. I love him with all of me and I am miserable when he's not around. It scares me to think that maybe sooner than later, he's going to stop caring, stop trying, and move on without looking back, and it also scares me that I can do the same. I loved my life with him and I loved seeing him in my future, whether that was tomorrow or 20 years from tomorrow and wishing that was the truth but not really knowing at this point of time breaks my heart. I thought I finally found everything that I was looking for. I thought I was done looking. And quite honestly, although I've only been talking/dating for 7 days now, I now remember why I disliked the process in the past. It seems that everyone I meet or talk to is wrong - no chemistry, no attraction, all manipulation and whispering sweet nothings just to test me... I hate it. I miss just knowing exactly what I was going to get. Knowing that when I was going out on a date, it was with someone I couldn't wait to see, couldn't wait to hang out with, couldn't wait to laugh with and my favourite part, knowing that all of the above was going to happen and I was going to enjoy every second of every minute of that date because I would be with him. I have grown to love that kind of consistency, and not having that now... well... it makes me want to give up entirely, but the only thing that keeps me from doing so is fear... The fear of doing so just because I'm waiting for Mike to be 'ready'. The fear of ending up alone because he doesn't want me now, therefore wants me never. The fear of being heartbroken not just by him (again), but potentially by someone else that I went through hell to learn to love. The fear of never finding anyone else, and always thinking of Mike and being haunted by everything he is/was. The fear of never being able to open up... even if I want to. I wish things were easy; we love eachother, care about eachother, miss eachother... thus we are together... but that's not the case - I don't even know what the case is. He isn't ready, he needs his time, yet he states he's miserable without me around as well, that he no longer needs to look for someone because he's found the right kind of person with me, that if he was ready to properly date someone, it would be with me... but if that's the truth, why is he willing to lose me by sitting there watching me go and potentially date other people? He says it is so hard, and so heart breaking, etc... but he's doing it. Every day, I wish for him to message me saying he loves me, needs me, wants to see me so he can tell me this to my face and when he is, hold my hand, tell me he wants to be with me, that he will be the Mike that I fell in love with, that's he's ready to take this and take me seriously... but then I quickly fall from that high once I realistically realize that that may never happen. It takes so much energy to write this, instead of texting him to say, "I miss you too...so much". All of this no-contact, plentyoffish, whatever feels like this necessary game that needs to be played in order for him to recognize what it is he wants and what it is that he is losing... but I am so tired of games! I just want to do what is right, but what the fuck is right anymore? That line has been blurred by romantic movies and what doesn't work in real life. What the hell is this girl that is so much in love to do? I feel as if I am watching the love of my life slowly fade to black... but at this point in time, there's nothing that I can do because he is still in that gray-area, when I want him to either be in (white) or out (black). I really don't know how long I can hold out like this for. :( Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

You're not sorry... [17 Mar 2010|01:11am] [ mood | lonely ] All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around. I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down, and it's taking me this long, baby but I figured you out, and you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around. You don't have to call anymore - I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, I don't wanna hurt anymore. And you can tell me that you're sorry, but I don't believe you baby like I did before...you're not sorry, no no oh. Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know. I could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold. And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know, and now you're asking me to listen 'cause it's worked each time before. But you don't have to call anymore - I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, I don't wanna hurt anymore. And you can tell me that you're sorry, but I don't believe you baby like I did before... You're not sorry, no no, oh. You're not sorry no no oh. You had me crawling for you honey, and it never would've gone away, no. You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade. So, you don't have to call anymore - I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw. There's nothing left to beg for and you can tell me that you're sorry, but I don't believe you baby like I did before... You're not sorry, no no oh. You're not sorry, no no oh. :( Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

The Scientist. [15 Feb 2010|01:36am] Science, logic, and reasoning... love doesn't work like that, hence why I am acting like such a fucking idiot. My head and my heart are crushed - the both of them. I can't focus or feel what I need or even want to feel anymore. I'm dying from the inside and out and it is starting to have physical repercussions. I want nothing more to make all of this pain stop, but I am struggling on how to do so. Do I stop trying and let go to get over it and move on with my life without him completely? Or do I try and fight my hardest even though he may not want that? I don't know. I wish I could flip a coin and go from there; heads - I stay, tails - I go. That kind of action takes courage and courage is something that I have lost a lot of lately, and knowing me, the results I get will make me question if that is what I really want and I'll sit there flipping a coin until the coin is worn out with no faces left, and I'll stand there looking at a coin of indecision - back to the start. Why does loving someone have to be so fucking hard? Why can't the person you love, love you back? And why can't the person that loves you, be the right person... the only person? And the golden question... why can't love just fucking last!? Why does everyone fall in love quickly just to fall out of love faster? Life would be so much easier if hearts broke even or didn't break at all. These days, everything tugs at my heart strings hard enough to tear them right off even with the simplest yank, taking the breath out of me and causing this pain in my chest that I just can't shake - I'm so weak, so sensitive, so done. I want to do the comfortable thing and walk away and never look back, but what is that going to do? Break my heart, and his, all over again, forcing him to give up once and for a while and leave it at that. But then what the fuck is it going to do if I'm here, staying, waiting, wishing, hoping, fucking hating every moment of it as it gets me nowhere but deeper into a hole that I so badly want to climb out of, yet instead slap a smile on and pretend like I'm entirely content being buried alive. I don't want to know what life is like without him, but at this rate, what kind of life do I have with him? It's the end to a Valentine's Day that was amazing in some ways. I got to spend it with a girl who is my best friend, who loves me so much that she would do anything just to make me smile, even if it means sucking up her own heartache that I caused her just to be able to hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay, that I'm worth something, that she loves me and is going nowhere. Best part about all of that is that I believe her - I believe her every word. And on the other hand, my Valentine's day was not spent with Mike and I spent the entire day with people asking me if I would be spending it with him as if it was something that should have happened naturally, without question. A few days ago I was hoping it would happen naturally, without question, but when I realized that he doesn't seem to care the way he once did, I realized that things aren't so natural and as much as I wish they were, they are not. I spent today telling people that he's at the autoshow, knowing deep down that he is there with a girl that is more than happy to be spending her Valentine's Day with him. Well, she wins and I lose. Maybe I just need to step down and face facts and rip up the invitation to this pity party because it is never fun. I wish I could change who I am and be happy with someone else, but I don't want to lie, I don't want to be secretive, and I don't want to deny what I really want... Him. :( Happy Fucking Valentine's Day. Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I'll set you apart. Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, oh let's go back to the start. Running in circles, calling tails...heads on a silence apart. Nobody said it was easy; it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start... I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science - science and progress did not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. I want to rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing tails...coming back as we are. Nobody said it was easy; oh, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start... Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

“If My Heart Was a House” [25 Dec 2009|05:33pm] You’re the sky that I fell through, And I remember the view whenever I’m holding you. The sun hung from a string looking down on the world as it warms over everything. Chills run down my spine as our fingers entwine, And your sighs harmonize with mine. Unmistakably, I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me. We got older and I should’ve known, (Do you feel alive?) That I’d feel colder when I walk alone, (Oh but you’ll survive) So I may as well ditch my dismay, Bombs away, bombs away. Circle me and the needle moves gracefully back and forth. If my heart was a compass, you’d be North. Risk it all ‘cause I’ll catch you if you fall... Wherever you go if my heart was a house, you’d be home. It makes me smile because you said it best, I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the West. Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you, ‘cause your favorite shade is navy blue I walk slowly when I’m on my own, (Do you feel alive) Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone, (Oh but you’ll survive) So I may as well ditch my dismay. Bombs away, bombs away. Circle me and the needle moves gracefully back and forth, If my heart was a compass, you’d be North. Risk it all ‘cause I’ll catch you if you fall, Wherever you go if my heart was a house, you’d be home. If my heart was a house, you’d be home... Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart... [23 Dec 2009|03:04am] As soon as The Scientist came on the radio, I gained enough courage to rest my head on the shoulder that I would have available to me all the time. It felt so good, heart racing, wishing I could read his mind. I feel his hand gently grasp my chin and as he pulls up on it, butterflies flood my stomach and blood rushes to the lips I know he is going to kiss. When he kissed me, my heart exploded causing all these emotions to flood my entire body and swarm my circulatory system, pumping this amazing feeling throughout the duration of this incredible kiss. His lips were soft and moist and tasted just the way I remembered only sweeter, almost forbidden, and I loved it. His hand around my waist loosely but affectionately and slowly moved up my body towards my face where he held it in the palm of his hand so gently and gracefully as if it was fragile enough to break. Seconds seemed like lifetimes and every line in the song became louder than ever. Each word had a meaning just as his lips sang a song of their own. I don't think I have ever loved him as much as I did in those several minutes. My lips expressed all the things my heart felt but couldn't say, wanted but didn't want to admit and his lips replied as if he already knew. As we pulled apart and I lay my head onto the shoulder that still felt like home, I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath, but if I had died in that moment, heaven would be that moment repeated. It was the perfect best kiss ever, and I knew that he felt it was too. I'm still recovering, but a part of me hopes that I am this paralyzed forever. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Anything that’s worth having is sure enough worth fighting for... [13 Dec 2009|05:34am] Am I setting myself up for the biggest fall from the greatest height? A possible bone crushing back to reality hit with a penalty call? Or is this how things are supposed to work themselves out? Seeing Mike tonight was unexpected. I've been thinking of him all day, missed him an overwhelming amount today even. I would be driving in my car spilling my heart to my dashboard, asking questions like how can I fight? What do I need to do? How do I need to approach this situation? Do I do nothing at all? etc... and then my thoughts just turned into a blur of street lights and signs and I wanted nothing more but to reach out to him because I missed how his warm skin felt on mine... I hadn't felt that way since we broke up, even while we were together for that last little while. My heart wanted to explode and I had no idea why. Then there he was. Practically on my doorstep... We accomplished so much tonight, yet we accomplished nothing at all. We are in the same place, only I'm not angry. One look at his face 6-7 weeks later, and I was hooked all over again, anger was just a faded memory. I wish I could hate him, but I can't because both my heart and my head know that they're still in love. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so entirely because it makes looking for a true love irrelevant and it causes me to feel so hopeless, yet so hopeful all at the same time. Even while we were apart, my head and my heart had nothing to fight over; they were both in the same place all along. The frustrating thing was what to do about it, and I suppose that's still the frustrating aspect in regards to all of this... but for the moment, I put the frustrations aside and just let every one of my senses take control of the situation: I missed his touch. It sent a fire down my back in the negative degree weather. The way his warm touch felt on my cold skin, and how quickly he was able to transfer his energy right into me with just his fingertips on my face. I missed his kiss. It stopped any thought from entering my head and just consumed my lips. I missed his taste. That soft and sweet taste of his tongue, it felt like the home-cooking I've missed. I missed his laugh. It made my eyes light up every time it blessed my ears. So contagious. I missed his smile. The one that took up his entire face, ear-to-ear the same way it did when he was a child. Gets me every time. I missed his voice. The one he'd use to whisper in my ear, or just use as loudly as possible just to make me laugh... It never seized to make me laugh and that still holds true. I missed his smell. It still made me want to bury my face in his neck and memorize the intoxicating scent all over again. The way his skin blend perfectly with his cologne and how it would make the hair on the back of my neck stand up the second my nose picked up on how heavenly it was. I missed HIM... The same Mike that I have never stopped loving, even if I probably should have. Whatever happened tonight was great. A part of me see's it as a hopeful start to new year with the opportunity to start over, and another part of me doesn't want to trust that and just wants to go back to being broken up - not talking, but I can't do that. Not after I realized all over again that I want him in so many ways and definitions of the phrase. He's a part of my life and he owns a part of me and as much as I wanted that to change, I don't think it will or can. He belongs in his place and even though I thought that place was gone, it didn't even fade. Although he's still in the background, I'm hoping he makes his way to the foreground and helps me to trust him again... If he wants me to. I recognize he cannot just have me, especially not without a fight. I'm hoping that I'm a prize that he is willing to win and hopefully he is playing for keeps because I miss being the girl on his arm, the hand in his, the owner of his heart. Although I miss calling him mine, I'm not ready - not even close - to referring to him in that respect. I do forgive him, but I just want to see him sweat. I do think that I'm worth that much, and if he does do, he'll make me his without me having to make a damn thing happen. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

I mean it. [05 Nov 2009|01:41am] I wanna rock and roll. I wanna give my soul. I'm wanting to believe I'm not too old. Don't wanna make it up. I don't wanna let you down. I wanna fly away, but I'm stuck on the ground. So, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Watch it all go by... was it really true? Is that what it was? Was that really you? I'm looking back again. I'm tracing back the threads. You said it was a mess, was it just in my head? And so, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Oh, wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Something's gotta break. You gotta swing the bat. Too many years have died... why is that? And so, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Oh, wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? ***There's nothing that I want more than to save you, but that's not my place anymore. This is me and you on our own and I hope that you can get your life together so that you can be the best possible you, and live your every day stress-free and happy, or at least content. Maybe one day I can witness this better you, and maybe I won't, but for now I will rest assured that you're on your way to proper living and I will sleep easy knowing that you cared enough to realize what you've done wrong and fix whatever it is you need to fix so that this is left in the past and has no place in your future. You're not a horrible person, you're no where close, but I expected you to be perfect and maybe that was my fault. You were good to me and we had great times, but you can be better and those times that weren't sogreat, were really bad and unnecessary, and for that my heart is broken. It's going to take time for me to realize that these things happen and that I need to forgive you for the wrong things that you've done just as you need to forgive yourself. I just wanted nothing more than for you to save me, but that's not my place anymore. You tried and you failed unexpectantly and I understand that that's because you were occupied in yourself and I don't blame you for that... and maybe one day you will try again, but then again maybe you won't. But... I will rest assured and sleep easier knowing that I loved you as best I could and to me that proves that I am capable of letting someone in and I thank you for that; thank you for allowing me to be me and making me smile more genuine smiles in a year than I have my entire life. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, there's nothing I want more than to save myself, because that's always going to be my place. I loved you and I still do, but I've always and will always love me more. This is me on my own and I need to get my life together to be the best possible me so I can live stress free and happy... or at least content. I hope that one day I can share that me with someone, and maybe that someone will be you and maybe it won't, but overall, let's rest assured and sleep easy knowing that we tried.*** Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

I don't want to let you go, but it hurts my hands to hold the rope... now I'm falling asleep to forget you. [04 Nov 2009|12:38am] In the story of my life, I only get a quick taste of the good things. It's as if my smile prefers the complicatedness of being fake rather than the simplicity of being real, and my heart is no better - it's nothing but a fool. Since Mike and I broke up a week ago, for the most part, I have been okay. I have been put together, mature, and I said my piece and I meant it. A part of me holds hope and the other parts of me don't believe in anything hope stands for. Last night I actually smiled when I told him that just as he said he wanted his time and space, I'd also appreciate mine and hope that he can respect that. I smiled the most mischeivious, proud, cynical yet sad smile. I have no choice but to force him to let me go because how is he supposed to get better when all he wants to do is text me once or twice a day and how am I supposed to get better if he forces me to fall into a routine of staring at my phone waiting for that one text that I can ignore? As much as neither of us want to let go, we have to. You can't miss something if it never goes away and I don't want to suffer the callouses of waiting, wishing, hoping and holding on for dear life because bottom line, he isn't my life, I just wanted him to be part of it. I have been so vulnerable. Looking for anyone that will hold my hand and tell me that I'm not alone, but I can't shake the feeling that I am alone because when I am in my own thoughts, I think of something not worth thinking about. The only place that I have been safe is in my sleep because for those few hours, I am at peace, yet I still fear that one night where he will haunt my dreams either with all of the things that I love, or with all of the things that I hate. As much as I don't want to lose him, he's already been lost and I have always known that people always leave. Now my body has been plagued by a virus and I am stuck in my own mind for 7 days struggling with my very own immune system, forcing myself to get better and here's hoping that when I do, I'll recover to be just me. I belong to me, not to anyone else and all I want is to come out of this content with being occupied and blissfully productive. Something is bound to come together for me soon, maybe this is just step one to whatever is coming next... 2 | Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[09 Jan 2009|02:01am] [ mood | happy ] Another flawless night with Mike. Every time we're together, I can't help but fall more in live with him. When he's around, the thought of him being my forever circles in my mind and for the first time ever, I want it to be true. I've been in love before but it was nothing like this. The love Mike and I have is the kind people look for their whole lives. Sometimes I don't wanna say it because I would hate to jinx it, but he could very much be the one. As I've said before, I was playing for keeps and won the jackpot. Mike is something I'd hate to give up. I don't want him to just be a memory. He's the best I've ever had - he treats me as if I deserve the world. Our chemistry overall (emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually,etc) is near fairytale levels; it's not supposed to be true, but it's everything my dreams were made of. We found eachother when neither of us were looking, yet we found exactly what we were looking for. He makes my past and all the shit I'd been put through worth my future. Mike is not my safe bet, those are over. Mike's my winning bet, and I really do hope that the win sets up the rest of my life because this happiness is not something that I want to give up; I've had my taste and now I'm addicted. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my old life. Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you? [26 Nov 2008|01:12am] [ mood | uncomfortable ] I'm left here thinking about some of the tragic things that I am used to, one of these things being that I am never enough. 99% of me could be perfect, but that 1% is enough to make someone realize that I'm not 'enough'. In this case, I'm bringing the situation to myself. Mike and I are great. We have been since day 1, and in terms of where we are, it's progressed so much further within the 6-7 months, but at the same time, it's also a stand still. Emotionally, my feelings for him increase every day. I care about him more and more as the day passes whether he is around or not. I miss him the second he's gone, and in that second, sometimes I'm guilty of imagining what kind of miss I would be feeling if that second was a lifetime and I can't help but realize that the thought really does bothers me, thus making him something special. I love that he wants to see me all the time, that he misses me back, that he enjoys my company, but at the same time, I sometimes think he wishes I was more. It bothers him that I live 25-30 minutes away because he's the type that dates closer to home, that would hang out for 30 minutes whenever he could at any time of the day, etc. I'm not that person. I've never dated anyone that lived that close, nor do I want to. I love having a buffer zone, I love having my own city be my own seperate space, but I don't think he views it that way or understands what that's like. I never have to worry about Mike, I know that he likes me (possibly loves me) enough to not want to hurt me, to do everything that he could just to see me smile. He treats me like I've always wanted to be treated, like I've always deserved to be treated, yet sometimes he treats me like a luxury item; something that you love, but not something you can be around every day, but wish you could be. Waiting to see him once a week ruins me because sometimes it can actually be painful to miss him that much and have to wait what seems like forever to be around him physically, but at the same time, if our lives permit it, regardless of travel, money or whatever else would influence it, I'd see him 50%+ of the week. However, if it was up to him, I'm sure he'd feel that 50+% of the week would be too much because of the travelling distance. I don't know what to make of it, but at the same time, why should I care? Although things are near perfect right now between us, he's NOT my boyfriend; he's a boy I'm dating. Nothing's been claimed, nothing's been set in stone, so why should I see him more than I have to? And right now, at this stage of 'dating'or whatever it is, maybe he only needs 14% (one day) of my week. Because of the fact that he is still 'gun-shy', why would I risk spending more of my time and more of my gas tank for someone that can break the chain as easily as it was unofficially attached and probably based on something such as distance being too much, too annoying, or better yet, not seeing eachother 'enough'. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Yeah right. Absence makes the heart find something closer. Maybe that's what he deserves... UPDATE: So, that night immediately after writing this, I texted him asking that I hoped distance wasn't going to be used as something that would hold us back, or potentially be our downfall and he gave me the perfect answer... "Are you kidding me, babe? Do you think I'd really travel out to see you as much as I do if it was a factor, especially in the beginning? No way. This isn't an issue, at least not for me. Plus, sometimes you've gotta work a little bit harder for something worth it, and well, this is worth it. YOU'RE worth it." :) Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

[28 Sep 2008|12:17am] [ mood | happy ] Leslie? In love? No way! Well, it's close to being true. Any girl would be absolutely stupid to not fall for Mike. He makes me believe that things in my past fell apart because better things were coming and that he just might be my better thing. Our connection just becomes more intense. It's been 4 months and I still giggle when he texts, calls, or when I see him on my driveway. My face hurts every single time he leaves for the night, and I always walk back to the side door after walking him to the car thinking, "I can get used to this." He comes from the same place that I do emotionally, he understands me, and best yet, he likes me back and has voiced it nearly everyday for months. Who am I kidding?! Mike and I are great, and in time, if it gets any better, he's mine; I'm playing for keeps now, this is it. Bottom line... Mike makes me happy. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

I'll be just fine pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got... [01 Sep 2008|01:50am] [ mood | annoyed ] And here come the second guesses... I'm beginning to really like Mike, the kind of like where you want to drop your walls and insecurities and hear all of the cute romantic things that used to make you want to vomit, but the more I want these things, the more I second guess if this is the right thing. Every other time I've felt this way, I ended up feeling like an idiot in the end and although I am aware that this is my past and that it shouldn't be pinned on him, I'm still scared - I'm scared that he's typical, that this is me falling into another fucking hole that leaves me struggling to get the hell out. I'm the girl that usually wants anything but a committment, but I'm also the girl that ends up being suckered into wanting the committment only to hear that "we're better as friends" or whatever other excuses boys use to avoid "breaking hearts". I just want to breakdown and cry. I had a great time with Mike today, but something inside me just started screaming and I got emotional. I don't know if this is me being paranoid or if this is me just warning myself of what I may be starting to fall blind to. He says that he's "gun shy", but that he swears his previous experiences aren't being planted on me, yet everytime I hear him say that he "hates women", I want to throw punches - it offends me. Why is it that as broken as I am, I always find others who are far worse? I am so irritated with this situation and with myself right now. Everytime I take a brick off of my wall and am content in doing so, something happens that makes me cement it back on. I understand that things don't happen overnight, nor do I want them to, but for fuck sakes, I'd like some progress... real progress. I don't ask for much, bu when I'm feeling like this, I feel like the worst kind of person - needy, nagging, annoying, emotional, an attention whore... a typical girl. I'm not typical, I'm just prone to typical situations... or maybe that's just what I want to believe. Maybe I bring this shit unto myself... Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

That's what you get when you let your heart win. [02 Aug 2008|11:23pm] Enter Mike. He's great; outgoing, easygoing, caring, adorable, simple, funny, witty, intelligent, honest, mysterious in all the right ways. I have fun when I am with him and sometimes just one of his touches makes me scream on the inside with excitement, but I do find myself holding back from time to time, especially when he's not around and I get to thinking, so the next time I see him, there's no progression since I pull myself back. There's still so much about him that I don't know (but that I would love to know!) and everyone I've ever dated has always been fantastic at first, hence my initial attraction to them. I'm taking this one slow, and I am not going to play stupid games nor will I have him play them with me. This is going to start off as real as possible because that is the only way it can start and if it gets to it, end this thing with closure, with meaning, with real emotion if that develops. I don't want to be with someone that does not want to be with me and in order for him to really want to be with me, he needs to know me and that takes time and a lot of it. Thus far, as much as I wish I could go back to my old habits and pick apart his flaws, I can't seem to find any and even if I did, I think I'd rather learn to love them because he's someone worth giving a chance, even if it's slight and even if it's just for now. I don't want to be on the defensive line with Mike. I want to run a few yards with him and see how good of a team we can really be because I don't give people enough of a chance and in the end, it only hurts me. I don't know what kind of potential this thing has, but I'd be lying to myself and to him if I said that I felt there was none. We do have something, and it's been there from day one... it's just a matter of seeing how long it lasts, or if it does. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

...Arguments, always pissed, man I'm tired. [18 Jul 2008|02:34am] [ mood | annoyed ] My life feels like it's been on fast forward. Everything is happening so fast and all at once; my mental capacity has been maxed out three times over and I am absolutely exhausted. I've been forgetting important dates and appointments as well as simple things like what I was reaching for in the fridge. Sleeping feels like a chore because trying to turn off my mind is a tedious task that takes several tries before I succeed, if I succeed because sometimes I just fail miserably - like tonight. Random people are coming and going and I don't know what to make of it or who is here for the right reasons or who left for the wrong reasons, etc. I'm assuming so much and acting on very little and the sad part of it all is that I don't feel that I care enough to mend things that are broken or start things that have potential - I don't know what I want and the things that I do want, well, I don't know how to get them. I'm trying my best to go through the motions but all the motions are doing is making me sick to my stomach and I quickly find myself begging for them to stop. Just stop! I am so lost right now and I want more than anything to rewind to the beginning when everything was going well and my future was a blur not worth looking at because I was only living in the present and content doing so. Now, all I find myself doing is wondering what if and forgetting about my present and wishing I could make out the blur that lies ahead of me so that I know what I'm working towards and figuring out if all of this is worth it or know what choices/decisions I need to make in order to clear that blur...but I don't have the power to do any of that, it's not in my hands as much as I wish it was. I'm not that lucky, I never was and I've always known that. I want to go back to being happy not worrying, but instead... here I am, unhappy and worried. There are so many questions that I have that remain unanswered, but do I really want to know them? I have no idea. A big part of me tells me that I don't because the truth can be absolutely heartbreaking especially when it's truth that I don't want to hear. What if everything I've ever worked towards was a waste? I'd rather not know. All in all, I am a mental mess right now and I do not even know where to start in terms of sorting things out with myself, with relationships, with my family and with my life. All I can do is hope that everything works itself out, that I find clarity eventually, and that all the unanswered questions find their honest answers when the time is right. I just hope that all of that is not asking too much. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt. [21 Jun 2008|03:58pm] [ mood | bitchy ] I wish I had a single thought the least bit legitimate enough to open up my mouth and say anything I mean because right now, I have so much to say, but no reason to say any of it. Really idiotic things happen to me that are upsetting, and I would think would be upsetting to anyone, yet they are never things that I can change not by chance, not by actions, and definitely not by words. If anything, words will make a fool of myself, and like the title of this entry, I'm hurting, but I don't feel hurt. I didn't get that close. I didn't get that attached. That was my intention, but was it what I really wanted? Am I really happier single at this point? All signs point to yes, but sometimes, when I'm put in these situations where someone of interest is now in a relationship with someone else, I get slightly jealous and a part of me wishes that were me, but would I have said yes? I don't even know. And on the other side of things, why must friends be so difficult? Why must what is considered to be 'best' friends be so incredibly complicated? And why am I angry enough to care, but not caring enough to fix it? It looks like I'm stuck in the "make up your mind and I'll make up mine" stage, because I don't want to initiate anything. Right now, I'm content being a bitch. "I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad. Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad. The cure is if you let in just a little more love. I promise you this, a little's enough..." Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

Hearts recycled but never saved. [14 May 2008|12:36pm] I don't understand why I get into these moods. One minute I am content with having met someone new because those beginning get to know eachother stages are always entertaining and definitely uplifting, and in the other minute, I can't help but second guess my motives and my future. I'm not a fan of wasting time, especially when it comes to wasting it with people. I suppose I'm just looking out for myself, and the time I cannot afford to waste at this point in my life considering I have far more important priorities than having to deal with somebody new, but at the same time, I want and feel I need change and sometimes, even the added attention. And here I am. Fallen into a "sick of it" mood and I can't really explain why. This all happens so often that I don't even know why it happens anymore. It's something I'm used to, yet something that is misunderstood and even though it always feels the same, and ends the same way, it's never by the same means. Routine is killing me. Boredom is killing me. Lack of living my life as much as I should is killing me. I want so much for myself and have drawn out so many of my goals in my mind a million times, yet I've been regressing. How do I push through everything in order to recognize that things will be okay, that everything will work out in my life as of this summer? I guess that I can't, but sitting here and trying to make myself believe that everything will fall into place is counter-productive. I've just fallen into one of my moods. Maybe I won't feel this way tomorrow. I guess I just have to do it, whatever "it" is and make "it" happen... Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

...and I been trying to hide, but it's written all over my face. [22 Mar 2008|05:45pm] All you can do in every aspect of your life is try. All of us have heard that practice makes perfect several thousand times in our lifetime and because we've been taught to try and try again, it's hard to know when to give up considering somewhere along the way, we missed that lesson or it was just never taught. Perhaps the skipping of the 'giving up' lecture was to keep us optimistic about trying, or perhaps giving up is something that is meant to be part of our gift of common sense, or perhaps the thought of giving up on something we've been trying to achieve is too painful and thus suppress that perspective. However, this backfires all the time considering this is precisely what causes us to get angry over things that we know we should walk away from, but sometimes, even the most pessimistic people hold on to false hopes and wishful thinking; it's how we've evolved. It's always difficult to realize that you are not made for something, that you're interest for something or someone is fading fast, that you just can't make it work. It's hard for anyone to come to terms that sometimes what seems to good to be true, usually is. We have all grown up with fairy tales and the dream that one day we can be in one, but unfortunately, fairy tales don't exist - they aren't meant for everyone. Some of us seem to go through life seemingly perfectly, while some of us struggle with absolutely everything that we come across in our daily lives, but the reality of this situation is that regardless of what kind of life you lead, it's never perfect in our perspective. Everyone has their obstacles and everyone experiences life differently because although we all have bleeding in common, we all have different pain tolerances. All in all, with pain comes relief - whether it's temporary or permanent, eventually, you will feel better and you will come to terms with the situation at hand. And as each day becomes yesterday, we are pushed further and further away from our past which is enough to let us recognize that each day progresses in order to further us onwards instead of backwards; we're not getting any younger, so let's make as many mistakes as we can now so that in our future, we can be wise and more importantly, able to handle just about everything life throws us considering it's likely we've been through it once before, and we tried. Everything happens in cycles. It's likely we will go through the same things more than once. Ultimately, all we have in life are ourselves and when we are broken down, we have nothing, which is precisely why it is important for us to just live our lives loving ourselves, doing things for ourselves, and we learn to try because honestly, that's all we can do sometimes. We will never know unless we try, and if we fail, so be it. Eventually we will find something else to try and one day, we'll get it right. We're all good at something, it's just a matter of finding what that 'something' is. Don't call it destiny, just call it reality. Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

You make me want to forget and start all over. [21 Feb 2008|01:45am] Seven years is a long time for a lot of things. It's a long time to be working the same job, to be in school, to be friends with someone, to be 'in-like' with someone. Just the thought of seven years seems like such a long road, but when you're on the other end and looking back at the last seven years, they are gone, just like that. I never quite figured it out, but I don't think I want to because through experience I've realized that you start something to end it, but the end just brings you right back to where you started (if done correctly). I went out with my high school crush. He was "that guy". Cute, funny, charming, athletic, stylish, popular... everything that your average 14 year old hormonal teenage girl would fall for. When I was around him, my knees felt like jello, my vision field glued itself to just include him as he walked by, my notes consisted of his name (next to mine, of course) and most of my thoughts were of us and what it would be like as we grew older, possibly together. However, I was a realistic kid. I never once believed that my thoughts could become a reality. Even if it was a possibility at the time, I was much too shy to initiate anything. 7 years later, myself and "that guy" are having coffee (actually, green tea, but whatever), and we spend 5 hours talking about everything and nothing all at the same time and it was absolutely great. He was everything I had always imagined and more. The experience was so surreal that at times, it was like I left my body and was watching myself from the outside just to remind myself that in fact what I thought was happening, or better yet, never thought would happen, was actually happening. It felt good to finally get what I want, even though it was something I wanted a few years ago in high school. I feel like I accomplished something and it felt good. Regardless of how this turns out, I am so glad that it happened. He's an amazing person, and will definitely make an amazing friend. Plus, I owe it to myself to spend a little quality time with the person that I love most... me. :) Just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens...

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