leidenschaft's Blurty

Time:

1:13 pm.

michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. there is no cut and paste here. I am typing this repeatedly as a form of therapy. michelle is an idiot. there is also no need to agree or like or comment on this entry because michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. idiot. idiot. idiot. idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. you think i'd be tired of this but no, this is helping so i won't stop just yet. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot. michelle is an idiot.

typing it feels much better compared to reading it.

Time:

10:42 pm.

Thank you God for supportive friends, understanding parents, a loving sister and a wonderful girlfriend.

I looked up into the sky today, but my view was blocked by the CPF building and its reflective facade... hampered by a troubled filled mind, I thought about how so many of us are oppressed by money and issues surrounding it.. to a point where we think that this object(sometimes tangible sometimes not) is the key solution to the problems.. when really, it isn't.

No it really isn't, infact IT IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL!!! EEEEEEVIL! ok those who are close to me will know where i am coming from.

Just give me a chance world. And I will show how it is possible to move on, to let the globe continue to make its rounds without money. Just give me a chance and I will be what the world needs!!!!!! YEAAAAA vote michelle for universal leader!! I'm next in line after Pinky and The Brain! Brain.. brain brain brain brain..brain brain brain.... braaaaaain! :D

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Time:

3:35 am.

the divide is greater than we think.
race.societal.mediums.communication.ideas.class.gender.

but sometimes it can be so narrow that we can't tell them apart.
like race.. but that of the human race and animals. read the news.. these days, pigs and dogs show more compassion and love that goes beyond their own kind. And humans capable of creating pentium4 duo processor computer chips can't even show decency for another human being much less care for helpless animals.

...

this unfortunately goes beyond our shores. I wish i could use singahbloodypore idol as an example but thats pretty lame for comparison when placed next to other more subtle yet more lethal examples such as staff ratios in certain local workforce depts.. and certain school intakes.. or bias job requirements printed in black and white on your daily papers.

we will be multiracial as long as it is to our convenience. but really inside we just want our own kind to dominate. with jokes, remarks and stereotyped ideas of each other. laugh laugh on the outside but really inside we think its true and thats why we find it funny... ?

we put one woman in the cabinet and henceforth we aren't sexist. we put a racial minorty as one of the leaders and so we keep our image of a multi-racial multi-ethnic society.

are we that shallow? like anyone in a skirt and a shade different will pacify us?
keep treating us like idiots and we will be like idiots. and ur job will forever be that of having to 'recreate' but not because we become like that.. but because you made us this way.

this is the story of the wayward son who spat at his mother for not giving him proper guidance.
.... except that if we spit, we will kena fine $500 first.

--------------------

I think it is great that foreigners are coming in.. but i wish the system that they enter by were more fair.
it all seems so one sided. the proportion of chinese, compared to the others...which i'm fine by. the world is one anyways. i don't like to play with protectionism..
but doesn't it mean clumped up resource deficit in one area, and a whole population of dire needs in another? who wins in the end? not who is winning now.. but in the end? I'm quite sure no one wins.

right now.. it seems like instead of using our money from t.emasek to invest in a little part of china~~(which they did but squandered and failed)~~.. they are trying to put a little china ~~(PRs only if they are loaded)~~ to invest in our t.emasek...

-----------------

tonight, i'm super peeved at men...MEN who can't manage their finances. why? because with their gender they carry egos that refuse to bow to simple wisdom. Not all men la. but bloody hell ALOT OF THEM.

So far I only know of Jerome who is damn good at keeping his wallet in place.

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Subject:	converting
Time:	2:04 am.

coming back home means getting to eat at anytime of the day and not having to think too much about it.

last night at a coffeeshop not to far from where i live, i met SJ and ordered a set meal that came with chips and chicken. ate it all. clean plate and all.

SJ: Wow, you sure can eat huh!
SJ: I thought you ate dinner before you met me?
M: ya i did. *chomp chomp chomp*
SJ: Are you still growing?
M: Upwards I hope, not sideways.

sometimes when ppl rhetorically ask me if i had grown during the past year in australia, i agree with them secretly... only because i wish it were true.

-------------------
conversion. from singapore dollar to aussie dollar... from aussie dollar to ringgit.. from money to sex.
conversion. from straight to gay. from gay to straight. from sex to religion...
conversion. from buddhist to christian.. from christianity to islam..
conversion..
we do what fits us best at that time. sometimes though there isn't much of a choice.

speaking of which, check yusof islam's stuff out. his song 'A is for Allah' is lingering in the back of my head.. along with a million other songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L-GOHa5-YQ

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Subject:	I rant!
Time:	2:02 am.

I rant not because I couldn't get to buy the album I wanted.. but because I couldn't even get a chance to browse at a decent music collection..pathetic.

CD shops in singapore are dwindling... its so sad. the whole of the J8 mall in bishan.. no infact the whole of bishan doesn't even have one shop that sells music anymore. There used to be 2 shops.. then.. 1 shop.. and within the past year that 1 clsed down too...And to my horror I found out that Sembawang Music (the chain store) has closed its doors nation wide as well.

If everyone downloads music illegally.. 1. how will the artist know that their music is being appreciated? 2. (incase someone says 'by the number of downloads'..) free music is free music, you download it not knowing and not caring because you don't have to fork out money for it. 3. even if they do know their music is being appreciated through the number of illegal downloads, how are they gonna afford to feed themselves to make more music by that illegal appreciation?

If its bought online through legal means, sure why not. But honestly? 1 out ot 10? maybe 1 out of 100 might. lets first calculate the amount of ppl who have the ability to pay online for the music.. those who have credit cards or a pay pal account.. then..within this group who trust the internet to shop online.. and from that group take those who are willing to pay for music.

I am all for the 3rd world revolt through piracy and stuff.. fair enough.. but draw the line and don't use that as an excuse to download illegal music when you know you can afford it.
Sure britney spears is probably richer than you are, but if u like her voice, and her occupation is really to sell her voice, how do you justify stealing from her? I don't get it. Explain it to me. And if you think its not worth it, than don't listen, don't download and don't perpetuate this mess. In the end.. a selfish person might say well if they are true artists they will still make music even if they are dying from it.. maybe. but we the 'consumers' are at the losing end.

I want good music dammit. And I want my CD shops back.

I don't want my music artists to instead of spending their time trying to make better music, spending their time trying to come up with gimmicks and fashion labels and perfume fragrances to make a living.

Seriously who can blame them for bad singer label fragrances that don't sell. At least thats one thing that isn't easily pirated for cheapos.

Oh and another thing. If we do this, won't the giant music shops who can afford to keep alive be keeping alive only because they will be the only ones alive to monopolize the industry?

eeeeee.... so meluat with these people. I think capitalists.. and most singaporeans ... don't know it but are likely to have neanderthal tendencies.

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Time:

2:52 am.

xiao long bao and old friends.

tonight.. before i forget. another night with b.mich and friends. when we were younger our friends wld call us mich and both of us would turn.. so to make things easier i'm known as small michelle and she as big michelle. I'm not short.. but we call her big mich for a reason. Shes half dutch you see. a very big half. So like.. it isn't hard to be seen as small mich next to her.
I was introduced to her by a friend who thought we'd both hit it off. and we did. she was also the first person i told that i might be gay and she was cool with it.. @ 16yrs old. we were both living on the same street. both into inline skating.. she was the skate park sort and i was the east coast sort. her mum's side is peranakan, my dad's side is peranakan.. but neither of our parents practicd it so we just have the crazy genes but no nonya in us. our schools were across from each other too, hers in G.uang yang.. and mine, B.eatty.. a high way of sorts was the only thing that divided us. I would go to her school and she would come to mine. We hung out out @ F.ar East plaza quite a bit cus that was the place to be for young delinquents and skaters(or wannabes:). We wouldn't have that much $ so most of the time a large coke from B.urger King give us a spot out in the front and would last us till evening and we'd all return home for dinner. no. we didn't do homework. no such thing.

she went on to study in art sch after her O levels.. didn't finish it and went off to travel with her cousin c.andice. we didn't see each other for like.. years. A couple of times we bumped into each other. hi. bye. and left.

Kelly had wanted to go into this sex shop once @ boat quay one night.. and upon entering, i recognised the owner and went ballistic. Big Mich! :) She introduced me to facebook to keep in touch.. I never had a reason for FB till then... and ever since i have been hooked. lol But also ever since i've been able to keep in touch with beautiful friends like Big mich..

anyways.. the other night with zara and shaun we met big mich @ N.ight and D.ay when they had their M.UGIC event. I always get a special hug that has big mich lifting me off the ground, spinning me around and a kiss on the cheek. :) I mean, in town.. yea.. in her sex shop which she was basically boss of.. yea.. but in an indie club.. lol. That night was fun. It was only cus i was wearing my boob tee shirt that every man and woman in the room wanted to look at my chest.. It lacks attention and I didn't mind it, what can i say? B.Mich reckons hers is a cross between Watermelons and waterballons... she squished her boobs together and made her point. I think i exaggerated by sayin' I am probably 'Cup Cakes'.

....
Tonight was nice. Kelly could make it too so thats a double bonus. Also.. i mean asides from the funny sexual content everything and anything could get into.. her friends seemed genuine and nice, just like her. Gosh you know, I bloody miss people like this. just nice people. you don't have to throw away your brains to be nice. antagonism, perversity and obnoxiousness is just so... overrated by idiots.

yay. 3 cheers!
I am looking forward to spending more time with b.mich and oli and jia jia liang teh and liz.. and na.. and jerome and even get to know some ppl better. like manda, nomsta, dominic, kaeling, zara and alvin.

too bad soph, feipor and zaireen are so far away...

i need more men in my life. all the men in my life are in canberra dammit.. 'cept for dad and jerome here.

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Subject:	when not romancing The Gadfly... we waltz
Time:	4:07 pm.

I love strings because.. especially the violin, i sometimes hear weeping that is familiar.

I love shostakovich. the madness. the extremes he went into putting what he could not describe into music, expressing those moments.. and the music that expresses (sometimes) romance which can only be felt.. and you also have his pieces that one enjoys but it suddenly jerks you out into another complete state of chaos and difference.. soothing is the last word i'd use to describe it. it isn't asking you to understand it. it is what it is, its showing you how it feels and thats all.

it has managed to finally put itself together in such a form. what more can it do but play itself out.

sometimes it isn't even there for you to follow its tune. there are so many layers to it.. most of the time i just wanna sit and press replay over and over until i feel like i've heard it all.

But currently i'm just feeling romantic and his catchy jazz suite No.2 Waltz will see me through the night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX1fiE0U1qA { Shostakovich's No.2 Waltz ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAS1exdlqLM { Shostakovich's Sonata Cello-piano Op.40 II.mov.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-swUGxiUTM { Shostakovich's Violin Concerto No.1 Mvt.3 - Sayaka Shoji 3/5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2fJlp66TG0 { Shostakovich's Symphony No.5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyjxUFS7GiE { Shostakovich's Jazz Suite No. 1: III. Foxtrot

His symphony no.5 is sucha... for a lack of better word, ruthless? can't keep up with this one.. wish i had a time machine to bring me back to that period. See Stalin's moustache clearer and compare with Hitler's.

....

oh and yea i agree with liz. classical music or whatever people wanna call this sorta music isn't for the atas.. i mean if u do the history u'd know that infact the sorta musical profession wasn't exactly atas or bourgeoisie. its just god damn class and society over the ages. why is music that is as beautiful and brilliant as such being contained?

genre. genre.. tsk. *shrugs*

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Subject:	burp
Time:	1:38 pm.

please shut up with profit margins already.

"the manufacturing sector performance has improved since last year's downturn.... blah blah blah...."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jia jia got me into the yesterday's RedDot Awards invitation list. It was a formal event with everyone who is anyone in design.. well sorta. more like anyone who could afford paying for that Red Dot. wow. what a great analogy for SG... i just realised. anyways.. i saw my old boss from DX design firm. It seems like he has accepted and is living well with the idea that people only go into this company to use it as a stepping stone into other companies. Or maybe people just realise its a shit job with a shit pay just to keep that 'designer' title.. usually after the 2nd year they realise. I think me and my friends are fast learners.

mm.. i had a point when i started this. but i forgot. oh yes, a quote or something similar from Miyazaki and his opinion on the over flooding of japanese anime came to my mind when I sat infront of the cat walk in the Red Dot gallery with designs streaming through.. ugly ones, bad ones, old ones, used ones, thoughtless ones, half baked ones.. none that made me sit up or want to take another look at it.

Even in a flood, one still needs a good drink of water.. This really goes for a few fads that has hit singapore in the recent years.. but it is exceptional when it comes to what I would consider art and for that matter even design because it is so easy to just lose soul.

ah by the way...
anyone who knows a PR company or who does PR and wants to help a poor artist, let me know ok? ta.

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Subject:	ah
Time:	12:23 am.

abit about the lil' imp..

-is really quite lazy if she can afford it.
-doesn't bother with anything unless its motivation somehow benefits the larger community.. theres no point doing things for myself. explains unkept look that can be quite vogue these days.
-pursues with passion and only passion
-music, art and love is her life.
-thinks food is more impt than money..
-would like to show the world why... but can't get off her ass to do that now.
-digs classical indian/chinese and sometimes orchestral chamber music
-billie holiday and sheila chandra and alanis morissette grants me serenity
-loves to chat and learn about people's life.. their family, their infections, inspirations and what they did in desperate situations.
-cannot deal with conversations that insults....
-trying hard not to be cheem (thinks she is succeeding extremely well in that department) :D

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Subject:	Feels like Falling
Time:	11:37 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	Mei Chern - Feels Like Falling.

I fall asleep at night
Thinking you’d be there tomorrow
And I’ll Kiss you
Like I kissed you for the first time
When I awake I’ll find you
Waiting by my driveway
Smiling, and singing
Songs that make me cry now

So tell, tell me
Do u mean what u say
Cuz I’m tired, I’m tired
of the games we play
Baby baby
Do u know If this means
Goodbye

Here we go again
And it feels like falling
And I’m wondering where I stand
Before you go again
I’m gonna say it loud
I don’t need you now

With your life as such
Sometimes u don’t even know
How the snow
Can make me smile so much
Then you turn around and say
That it would be okay
But your empty words
Mean nothing to me, nothing to me now

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Subject:	words. use with caution
Time:	5:56 pm.

i say quite little, talk slowly and have long pauses because if i don't.. my words won't make sense. too much thoughts i have to filter out before speaking in clear sentences what is important and ultimate.

that is also why i need to prepare before hand whenever i approach a presentation or a question. otherwise... chaos and embarrasment. does that happen to you? this is specific to new topics or complex issues.. but so many things in my mind is complex.

Janet my lecturer told me this story when I was in China with her..
...in heaven this man passed by the ministry of speech, whose signboard was almost covered by the mountain of what seemed to be shards of alphabets. Curious, he went in and walked up to two angels out of the many who were sweeping the floor that was covered in plates of words.

He asked the two angels, "hey what is this that you are sweeping?" One of the angels answered, "oh these are words that are used everyday. Once spoken their life is used and they end up here in heaven just like you.."

"ahh.." enlightened, the man nodded and bent down to pick up one of the words.

"CAREFUL!", one of the angels shouted. "Don't!", the other one followed. The man quickly released what he was about to pick up. The angel then said, "You don't want to touch them! Most of these words used are very sharp and can cut you.. deep."

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