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|Thursday, December 11th, 2003|
Nothing new to report.
I deemed it necessary to report this lack of anything report.
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003|
I dont make sense, but I got my pride.
I believe a rant is in order. So, before I start, this rant has been inspired by Gene. May that fine man grow ever more jolly. Speaking of Gene, he purchased me the KMFDM masterpiece "Nihil" yesterday, officially making him Plastic Jesus of the week. This will be a music rant, so if you dont like music rants..
Lets say for the sake of this entry that I discover a band. I quickly grow to love their music, and want to share it with people. Lets say I do share it. Within a week, everyone is exclaiming to me how much they love this band, people I have never seen or spoken to ever before. Then, I decide the next band I discover, I WONT share, simply to circumvent this sort of thing from ever happening again. If I love a band, they are sacred to me, and in order to preserve their sanctity, I DO NOT share them with other people! (A few exceptions can be made, if I know you arent a sheep.) Stacey for example, is the closest thing to me there is, aside from me, so I share anything and everything with her, because she doesnt cause me that feeling of loss I experience when I betray a band to lesser fellows. Does this seem un-fair?
Good. Say I got her into KMFDM. Does she owe me anything? Fuck no. Lets say I didnt, and her own brilliance led her to discover the musical euphoria that is Sascha Koneitzko and his band of rebels. (Which I think is the case, as she is less a sheep than I.) She still does not owe me anything. Stacey is exempt, because she knows.
What does she know? Well, Stacey knows.
I will add more to this later tonight. And, as promised, its later tonight, so here is the obligatory follow up to this senseless rant.
Music is said to be the universal langauge. Most teens discuss music with other teens, and discover new music in that way, but if im talking about a band to someone, and some other person butts in with "YEAH, they kick ass!" I dont say "Hell yeah, they do!" I say "Oh? Whats your favorite song?" I dont choose to be pleasant, I CHOOSE to interrogate them. Whats my point? Im so diluted that I dont even know the point anymore. I bought the "Symbols" album by KMFDM today. Weeee.
Stacey is at work until 8, im hungry, tired, and I need my Fix.
So, maybe my point is that I despise people who choose to be alternative. You cant choose what end of the spectrum you belong to. It chooses you. It should ooze from every pore of your being, and you should FEEL it, rather than see it. Duh.
Eric=Master of the obvious. That leaves me feeling quite bitter all of a sudden, so I will retreat to my thoughts, and wait until She blesses me.
Stacey, I want you to comment. 'Cuz you say lovely things.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: KMFDM - Waste
|Monday, December 1st, 2003|
Send me not from your side!
Updating this journal seems pitious to me, when all I try to think on anymore is Stacey. And Stacey.
And more Stacey. And yet even more Stacey. Why gush about her here, when I can tell her with my own words?
But hey, to my 2 faithful readers, 2 possibly, I shall keep this up and running with a sparse update every now and then. Today is one such occasion. GED business is faring well, and according to the practice test scores, im ready on all accounts to take the final test which would actually earn me the goddamn GED certificate itself.
Alas, I must wait until after the 20th of January to forgo copious amounts of paperwork.
This thanksgiving was substandard, even in the company of Alex the Great. Food, relaxation, and not being hungry. At this point in time I was still grounded, which meant Stacey deprived, which makes for sad Eric.
BUT, I am free once again and Stacey graces me with her words on a daily basis, so all is actually well.
All=Stacey. (Thats it.) May the day soon come when I can make love to her with my words, and caress her lovely face and have her near.
Alas, for the second time. That cant be for a small eternity.
(I made it possible for you to comment, Stacey, if you wish. And with all of my electrifying ramblings, responding to this superb material shouldnt be difficult. ::cough sough::)
This Bodom song reminds me of the Fair One:
"The razor caressed your flesh and your arms turned red.
I feel your vast desire
Tearing pain is flowing down your arms.
Sweet, red, warm stream I drink to make you released
Holding your arms, cherish this composure,
in the bed of razors we sleep together, forever..." (Ah..)
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Bodom - Bed of Razors
|Sunday, November 30th, 2003|
|Relief, contentment, and the fair Stacey..
Yes, I am now feeling a warm, tranquil spell of contentment which I owe all to Stacey..
What more can I say, except "Semper Fidelis." I love you, Stacey.
::sigh:: Im back alongside that which matters most to me, and I couldnt feel more fulfilled, unless of course she was asleep with her beautiful head against my chest, and her arms around me. One day.....
If i was a serial killer i would be Jack the Ripper.
Jack the Ripper, by far the most notorious killer of all time. What would drive a man to kill 5 prostitutes, surgically mutilate the bodies, then stop, to never be heard from again? Most of the murders were pretty much the same, the victim had her throat cut and her abdomen exposed, the intestines were placed over her right shoulder and sometimes a kidney or even the heart had been removed.
Jack the RIpper's murders are still unsolved.
Kill count: 5
Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!
The Ripper! Yay..
Current Mood: content
Current Music: The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love. Its ROCK!
|Thursday, November 27th, 2003|
You are Spearmint
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
|Sunday, November 23rd, 2003|
Rejoice, for light has once again been discovered.
When all hope seemed to be lost, Stacey returned to me for 5 glorious hours.
These 5 hours were full of the most beautiful, lovelorn musings even William would envy, were he among the mortals to see them.
"Come back to me, Eva."
I needed her touch like a person needs air. And now, since I have been replenished, I have sufficient defense for my return home today. (May I fare well.)
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Piss off, commoner!
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2003|
When im the next Hitler, ill prosecute you simply for having the ability.
An audacious claim, made by none other than me.
Stacey, im going out of my mind (even moreso) without you here to keep me tethered to reality.
While thinking about this Hitlerdom I one day hope to accomplish, I had a vision of two figures decked in beautiful raiment in an overturned car on a soundless winter night. The man was somebody powerful, but also someone terrible and merciless.. The woman was his muse, and the one thing that kept him on this earth. He did what he did to show her the wonders of power, and also to show her his undying devotion.
The bodies were clutching one another in a vise like embrace, intertwined even after their bodies were riddled with automatic gunfire. This is the future I desire for myself.
Limitless strength, power, money, and of course, being near to that which is fairest.
To leave a burning rending scar on this earth, only to have my voice silenced in the midst of one last militant act against our race-Thats my future.
As you can so plainly see, this is what no sleep and caffeine plus no Stacey does to me.
Come back to me, for I was born in love with thee so why should fate stand in between?
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Gah.
|Wednesday, November 19th, 2003|
Kyle, Rey, and a mystery angel just came and went, and I am rendered feeling shitty for not being a more gracious host to their company. Well. That, and im embarassed that a pretty female had to see me in my lethargic state. Un-shaven, not smelling all too desirable I measure. Curses. I hope they return tomorrow so that I might be more a pleasure to be around.
Kyle, tell that female companion of yours im sorry if I seemed rude. If shes your girlfriend, sorry doubly for calling her "pretty" and "angelic." And it seems you have grown 2 feet since I last saw you.
And to Rey, next time, refreshment will be readily available for the Lord of the Bagel.
A minor update:
Why I didnt post this earlier intrigues me. Anyway, at the request of Matt-dib, I accompanied him to the mall, where we perused the many shops, and discussed many a sordid topic. He bought me lunch, (finest sandwich ive ever eaten) and bought a CD, which he says we will both have joint ownership of. After, we went back to his place, and picked up Pete. It was a very fine time that night; we went to Bickford's for eats, then to waste time we journeyed 100 feet away to K-Mart, and well.. K-Mart is sort of poor, so we mocked the establishment, and caused quiet hell in every aisle possible. (by quiet hell, I mean we spoke unnecessarily loudly, and cussed.) Err. I sampled their toilets, then we marveled at how cheap 7.62 rifle rounds were. (11.52 for a box of 200!) That of course gave way to violent talks of who would anally rape who, and who sucked more than who. The subject of asses made me pester Peter to buy me underwear (Thong and string bikini) he flatly refused.
Good times. I heard "Closer" on the radio driving home.
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Bah. Im embarassed.
|Sunday, November 16th, 2003|
|Excellent. Current Mood: Distraught.Current Music: Filth - Promise of Fever.
|Saturday, November 15th, 2003|
To perfection, comrades.
The past two and a half weeks have bee a delightful blur; flashing and winking brilliantly before my very eyes. In the past 16 or so days, I have since found a reason and a cause to love again, and to crave waking every morning. (I owe this to Stacey, for those not privy.) I cannot express in words or sentences how valuable it is to desire a person so precious, only to have that person mirror your feelings and thoughts, often times down to the word. This bond came literally out of nowhere, and it is now safe to say Stacey occupies a large part of my being.
(Stacey-Semper Fidelis. Which in english means 'always faithful.')
The concert. Good lord. Where do I start? Well. Mike met me at the pre-designated rendezvous point, and we suffered a frigid walk to his residence, and watched "Detroit Rock City." It was funny. Ate pizza, then our private transportation arrived, (Which I had no idea costed Mike's mom 300 bucks of her money.) and arrived at the venue, only to wait outside in the cold for 45 minutes. It wasnt as bad as it sounds. The bill was as follows: Moonspell, Type O-Negative, and Cradle of Filth.
Moonspell: Brilliant opening act, full of energy and an original sound. I was vastly entertained.
Type O-Negative: Put on an amazing performance, even though the audience was there for the Filth. They played "Christian Woman" as their set ender, and for the first time that night, I cried the lyrics out aloud, and hurted my throat.
Cradle of Filth: Amazing. They made tonight perfect. The entire band looked stunning in their various fetish uniforms, and opened the set with "A Gothic Romance." I was of course going slightly mad, that is until I heard the opening tinkle of piano and deep rumble of bass, which was "The Forest Whispers My Name." I went utterly berserk and cried out the lyrics until I saw spots in front of my eyes, and felt dizzy from the effort. Recover for 5 minutes, hear a few filler songs, then I hear "Principle of Evil Made Flesh" which is my all time most beloved Filth song. So, for the second time, I went absolutely crazy, and sang my very heart out. In those 4 minutes, I felt so alive, and so free, it was like being pure again, even though I sang along with Dani about graveyards and the virtues of evil. Im at a loss for words to explain how much it meant to me to hear them play that song tonight. (I convinced myself they were doing it for me.) Err. Flash forward a couple songs plus an intermission, and Dani says "This next song is for all the pretty little goth girls of America" (then a tirade about british goth chicks being dirty.) The song was "Her Ghost in the Fog," which is Mike's favorite, so to do him justice, as he was my very gracious host, I sang for my very life in that span of 5 minutes, and when it was over, sweat was gushing out of every pore, and I felt dazed, tired, and so filled to the brim with pleasure, that I collapsed on my crowd mate. He didnt mind, but to finish their set, they ripped into "From the Cradle to Enslave." I expelled the last of my adrenaline at this time, and when it was over, and the bodies began to shuffle out of the Palladium, I found Mike and clapped my hands on his shoulders, so elated at the nights events, and we egressed and found our driver...
And here I am at home, ready to let the shower cleanse my body of sweat and the scents of other people.
This has been one of the finest nights of my entire life.
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Filth - Forest Whispers My Name.
|Wednesday, November 12th, 2003|
I am Holy Wood Manson. I'm sick of dealing with
everyone else's bullshit all the time. You
want evil, I'll give you evil. You thought I
was bad in the past... Well you ain't seen
nothin' yet! Incarnations of Marilyn Manson brought to you by Quizilla
I am sex man. Current Mood: awake
|Monday, November 10th, 2003|
November 10, 2003.
Matrix:Revolutions tomorrow with Sir Adam Daneau the Green, and that will be a grand experience im sure. I have, since my last entry, found what appears to be a new reason to awake and prosper everyday-Stacey. In the past 2 weeks, her and I have grown quite close and very fond of one another, much to my surprise, and she has given me a new found desire for happiness. (As hopeless as that seems most of the time.) Im sitting here, alone in a swirl of thoughts and images, yet im not being stifled by the constant mental activity; and I can lend that to Stacey also. This fix can be described as follows:
My problem in being happy is me having something I can look forward to. I have a group of excellent people that I call my friends, yet theres a void that needs filling somewhere in my 'soul.' (Holy term, eh Stace?) Rather, instead of soul, I mean the true person, under the skin. Right, back on topic here fellows. My biggest problem has been finding something to look forward to, despite having fine people I can call comrades. All of them do their best to enlighten my life, and they succeed, but when im left alone, to my own devices, hopelessness closes in around me.
Stacey has changed that. So, I have to thank her for finding me, and rescuing me from my own hell.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Shib.
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2003|
|'Dragon' would have suited my tastes better..
You are Form 6, Elfin
: The Wyld."And The Elfin saw the evil and
misjudgement in the world and shot her arrow at
the sky. Bolts of lightning struck the earth
and gave the world balance and
Some examples of the Elfin Form are Demeter (Greek)
and Khepry (Egyptian).
The Elfin is associated with the concept of growth
and balance, the number 6, and the element of
Her sign is the half moon.
As a member of Form 6, you are a very balanced
individual. You can easily adapt to most
situations and you may be a good social
chameleon. You aren't afraid of changes in
your life, but sometimes you evolve too
rapidly, leaving others to think that you are
leaving them behind. Elfin are the best
friends to have because they are open minded. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: 'Bodom - Warheart
|Saturday, November 1st, 2003|
Im restless. Bored.
I need to apply myself with this whole job situation because I need something to do. Something to take my mind off shit. Trust me, its in my best interests to find employment.
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Shob.
|Tuesday, October 28th, 2003|
What is reality? Is it this? Is it my problems and tribulations, my friends and family, or are we really puppets to some larger power? Something we cant comprehend? I saw the Animatrix today and although entertained, it set my mind going a mile a minute about weather im truly here or not. Think about it: My largest issue is Depersonalization disorder, which detracts from my ability to feel and experience normal events. What a perfect cover up eh? If you dont understand, thats quite alright, but I cant help but wonder why I suffer so much daily, and weather its in my power to remedy it.
"Death is a solution far too arrogant and final, even for me."
I wish.. Well. For lots of things, but most of all that anguish wasnt the only real thing in my life. This DP disorder is getting worse and worse by the day, and to quote what I saw today:
"Why do my dreams feel more real?"
Dammit. I just want life again, as it once was. I remember how once I wasnt tied down, and how I could once feel everything around me.
Fuck.. This truly and utterly sucks, for lack of a better term.
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: You. Bah.
|Sunday, October 26th, 2003|
I tried to laugh about it.
The Cure is still beautiful, and I am still in this rut of mine. (But here ive grown so fond of dread that I swear its heaven.) As such, I have nothing to report that would pique your interest. I need female company, but it isnt truly something I need, more just a want that is so imperative that its under the guise of need. ::takes a breath::
Leave book recommendations.
I hate that word.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: To tenderize the anus.
|Saturday, October 25th, 2003|
Its one of those Saturdays that feels so much like a Sunday you swear your equilebrium is off. Alas, this is not so. As I strode out of Al's today, a fresh breeze caught my face and ran through my hair. Autumn, my most beloved solstice is at last upon us. Precursor to the despicable winter, but still beautiful. Dawn the fair called me and beckoned for my prescence at the Nexus. I presented myself, and the mood was quite somber throughout.
I know not why, but the air was thick with tension, and silent with dischord. Dawn told me today that even if my prowess with a pen has started to crumble, ive only to get back into the habit of doing it everyday as was my habit of old, and soon it will start to flow from me again, like blood from my veins. This was comforting.
The Cure...... Everyone buy Cure CD's. You will be better people..
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: The Cure - Pictures of You
|Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003|
|False. I am 47% evil.
I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com
|Tuesday, October 21st, 2003|
Gather the faithful..
Yesterday. Monday. The most fulfilling day I have had in many weeks. The unreal low that was this weekend was over, and all went according to plan, except for me meeting some people I didnt expect to see. Two of them I knew by name, and two personally. They were Becca, Keara, Bonnie and Mindy. Peter the Good was decidedly less happy than I at this chance encounter and he made it abundantly known with the cry of "Get hit by a car you fucking cunt." To whom he uttered this to I shant say. I do not blaim him for doing or saying what he will. My pre-determined notion of Keara was proved utterly false, as I thought to her to be quite above me on the social totem, thus making her un-willing to talk to me. I was wrong, and although we only said a total of 4 words to one another, it was comforting to know I wasnt the only quiet and slightly withdrawn person present. My feeble mind I suppose sees this as being mysterious, and that coupled with her good looks make her interesting. To me. Yes. Although I doubt this will come to fruition, I hope our paths might cross again.
Bonnie bestowed upon me my first kiss of many an age, rendering me un-pleasantly speechless. Mindy spoke little to me, and that is just as well. The true substance of this entry belongs to two people- Peter, and Becca. Both of these fine individuals, weather it was in their initial design or not, erased the last vestiges of the depressed spell I was suffering from (sic) this past weekend. I realized yesterday just how much I adore these two people and their company. Becca, whom I professed my love for last night, surprised and pleased me-both by her first encounter, and the subsequent with her returning with Josh. (A guy that will be animated as long as he is in the presence of anything with a vagina.) Peter and I were by this time in soaring high spirits, and seeing her again increased them. I love being around her, and her honest personality rivals even mine, which refreshes me beyond reckoning. So, if you read this tonight Beck, I love you dearly, both as a friend and as a person. (May our bonds be forged ever faster over time.)
Peter the Good. He is the single most generous guy I know. So generous in fact, I recall a week where he was starving, yet at his insistence, he treated me to lunch. Such events have occured many times with him, as he enjoys doing good things for his friends simply because he wants to. His compassion and love for his friends is un-shakable, and I love him dearly also, as my brother and my kin. (And when I possess the means to repay you, comrade, I shall do so willingly.) In closing, I will remember and think upon yesterday fondly for many moons. And though my skill with a pen has greatly diminished due to my neglect of practicing, I hope this piece if somewhat cohesive and a bit entertaining..
Current Mood: Tranquil.
Current Music: No sir.
|Saturday, October 18th, 2003|
A morning of pale spring still clinging to winter's chill.
Not me. Anyway, I was just watching some trip about one hit wonders with William Shatner reading a teleprompter. Much to my surprise, and glee, Gary Numan was featured. True, people only know him for "Cars" but that reminded me that he didnt have more hits because he always made music according to his taste, and not the taste of the masses. That is why one of my life goals is to meet and talk with him.
Ugh. Sinead O'Connor strikes me as a true revolutionary as well. She makes her opinion known, and to hell with the consequences. Lovely woman. Id like to meet her too.
The Pope = Dead.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Gary Numan - Airlane