[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, May 19th, 2004|
the days are a blurr to me, nothing seems solid, or sharp enough to see, i'm walking in a constant daze, but i'm not depressed. whats wrong? why is this the way it is? i'm lonely, god i'm so lonely, i want to be held, but instead tears soak into my pillow with no hand to wipe them away. sleep is something i know little of, i feel like i'm going crazy. i'm back in my hometown, i drive past the people i knew, but don't know who they are today. tempted to stop, to talk as if it really matters, knowing it doesn't but wishing all the same that someone would see this tattered person as the person i was before, i'm here, stuck in a place i swore i would never return to, but i'm back, i'm confused, and i miss the way things were before i left.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: lost prophets--shinobi vs dragon ninja
|Thursday, May 13th, 2004|
i messed up! should have never left my job, should have never left my life, should have never went after him. two months later and i'm sitting alone back in minnesota, pregnant, and pissed about him saying he has the right of custody. he's scaring me to death. i chose to keep what he left me with, the only thing he left me with, and he wants to take my baby from me. i am being quite viscious right now. i think i made him cry last night. i threatened him with the fact that i can dissapear very easily, with the baby. i dont know what to do. i'm already protective and i'm not even two months pregnant! i'm so scared that he's going to come back to minnesota after it's born to seek custody. i wish he would go away!
Current Mood: scared
|Wednesday, March 17th, 2004|
just to inform
the situation is this:
four years ago i met my best friend, three years later he moved to virginia, a week ago i walked out of my job, the next day i got in my car and drove 21 hrs to where my best friend lives. today i'm sitting in his apartment while he's at work. crying over a decision to go with my heart and forget about minnesota (my entire life) or go back home and be miserable because i let the love of my life get away. my best friend is the man i'm inlove with, i have a boy back at home, but we've only been seeing eachother for a month or so. i have my sister back in minnesota who means the world to me, but she can always visit, right? i'm trying to justify this and all i need is guidance. i feel lost and in a daze, should i go with love, or should i go back to my life?
Current Mood: i hate this
i'm sitting in this chair thinking once again, like i do when confusion hits heavy, today i realized something i couldn't admit, may be what keeps me here longer than expected. this apartment now i can call home, but i never knew that home has been beside me all along. the love of my life, has held my hand through thick and thin, and i've taken it for granted. today through the tears i have cried during my process of decision making, i have found that down one path there is love and leaving my life behind for my heart, and down the other there is my life and leaving my love and my heart behind. someone please give me guidance, i seek this for i know not what to do, follow my heart along with the risks, or play it safe and go back to a life well known.
Current Mood: help me, i'm screaming here
|Sunday, March 14th, 2004|
I"M IN LOVE!
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
HI! i'm going on a road trip to virginia, staying there for a week, then taking off for florida, just so i can say i did! staying in florida for as long as i can stand my car and the tent (less than three nights i'm guessing) and kidnapping my friend and her guy for the whole thing! it'll be beyond awsome!
|Sunday, February 22nd, 2004|
a visit well spent
i just went and visited an old friend of mine, he's six feet under, but the life we had been living makes it understandable, i'm in a funky mood right now, i left him a cig, but for some reason he didn't smoke it, lol. he was the only one in the whole yard that had a path shoveled for people to stop by and say hello, goodbye, and leave thier trinkets he can never use. drugs will kill ya man, thats what i tend to say every time my pot head friends lite up in front of me, they never listen tho. i'm happy for my old friend today, because appreciation comes with understanding, and today i do understand, like i have for the past three years. i will forget most of him in my years to come, his face is already quite a distant memory, but the one thing i know will stick, is the reason he had to leave this world. everyone cried during class on the 15th, everyone just shuffled their feet and held their heads low. the day he left us, a school of three thousand students, was held in a moment of grief stricken tears. I didn't though, cry that is. i sat down in gym class, and listened to the hearts of his friends and family, crack a little bit more. you know, life is a beautiful thing, something that is taken for granted even in death. but what i realize is, life will be nothing if you wish it to be, and life will be amazing if you truly want it to be amazing.
Current Mood: thankful
time to stop dreaming
drifting in a timeless effort,
slowly watching the world walk by,
i realize something that's here today,
that wasn't in the past.
it seems to take so much from me,
just to search my soul,
to find this difference inside of me,
and name it something new.
but as i struggle with this find,
another now is surfacing,
and what i see infront of me,
is reality incased in a dream.
how sweet it would be to run away,
to begin life anew,
to forget this world i'm drifting in,
and take a path much easier.
instead i choose the rougher route,
and turn my attention to the left,
retracing the steps that i have faltered at,
to grow stronger as each task forces me back.
today i stop my drifting,
instead my feet are on the ground,
my head is far from these clouds surrounding,
and my reality has broken through my dreams.
**don't ask me what it meens...just take it in as is. give it your own interpratation and that is your own understanding of my feelings and my words. i never explain my words and it always seems to work best that way. usually it helps others to apply it to their own experiences, or to what they know of me.
Current Mood: content with life & decisions
|Sunday, February 15th, 2004|
my down time is over, today is as amazing as the last, and the sun is shining bright, although it happens to be bitterly cold out at the moment. snow is on the ground, my dead end job is suplying me with 40 hrs a week, and the possibility of having health insurance in may is looking good. i have been released from the contract i had signed for my apartment, completely with no bad credit thrown my way, and no fees at all. i'm back at my parents house with a room to myself for once in my life, and all seems well. oh, and i found someone worth my time. a man that i have spent a four day date with almost two weeks ago, and have seen every day since. both admitting to being star struck due to the fact that we both wanted nothing to do with the opposite sex for a while. who would have thought that the phone call at three in the morning (while i was sleeping) to go to a party would have turned into a committed relationship?
Current Mood: absolutly amazing, blissfull,
|Tuesday, February 10th, 2004|
things are fantastic today! i moved back into my parents house which is kind of a drag, but i met someone! i met him at a party a week ago, and we've spent a lot of time together since we met. i'm in that puppy love state that i know will only last a litte while, and either things will progress or come to a stand still. i hope they progress, however i refuse to get my hopes up to high and i've decided to just go with the flow. hahaha! yeah right, if things keep going the way they are, i may just keel over with emotion over load! anyway, i've been driving back and forth for the past week from my hometown to my apartment which is an hour and a half drive, not much but when gas is a buck seventy it tends to drain the wallet. i've finally loaded my car up for the third time with my shit and i only have to rent a truck to get my furniture to my parents house. things with kyle, (the guy in virginia that is my bestest friend) are looking on the slow side and we came to the conclusion that i'm only going to visit for a few months instead of move out there for good. i plan on taking summer courses at a comunity college back near my hometown and then transfering to a larger college next year. things are looking up for me, nothing has gone wrong today, and tomorrow looks like a sunny day!
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: I like it all!
|Thursday, February 5th, 2004|
|Wednesday, February 4th, 2004|
sometimes it's so easy to forget your self
sometimes it's so easy to forget your self when your life is shit. i'm scared, okay, i'm fucking scared to death about whats going on right now. i thought i wasn't, i thought i could do this, but i'm not strong enough. my mind is horse shit right now, i'm sleep deprived, moody, and hating everything that is happening. but God, i am so fucking scared. i seak guidance, a hand to hold, a voice to whisper in my ear at night, telling me it will all be okay. but i snap back into reality, i know it wont be okay, because i dont have that hand to hold that voice isn't there, support, i know not of the meaning to that word. the only thing i do know right now, is fear and dissapointment. hey look at me every one, i knew an angel once, her beauty was far beyond anything i ever knew before that day, but she was missing something, do fallen angels ever miss their wings? yes. i miss everything about the beauty in having freedom, but did i really ever have that freedom before. maybe i was chained from day one, i just didn't realize it. i once was something horrid, then i was amazing, now i'm just normal, i forgot everything i knew and picked up the things i didn't know at one point. i wish things were different. i regret my way of life.
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
life in general
things may be difficult in life, but the truth is, you can either run from it, or deal with it. i chose to run, and that is the truth. now i'm slowly realizing that life here may be bad and not the way i want it, but i do know that by moving to virginia, i may be left with absolutly nothing. it scares me sometimes when i lay down to sleep and my mind starts going, because i as a person have no clue where these paths i have chosen will lead me to. my friends seem to be gone, or at least the ones i need the most right now, and my family doesn't understand my heartache. i'm tired of working a dead end job at a gas station where i get 11 hours of work a week, and i'm even more tired of my financial mess. it would be so easy just to pack up and leave this dull life, but i have chosen to stay against my own wishes. am i crazy for doing what my family wishes of me? or is it normal for a peron not to want to dissapoint the ones who say they care? i'm turned around and backed into a corner right now, and i just wish to spread my wings and let my spirit soar. however this chain around my ankle is too tight, and the saw i have by my side had broken years ago. i'm not depressed, or at least i think i'm not, my world is a mess and i hate getting up in the morning, but still i smile through these tired eyes and endless days of boredom, and i don't know why, but today i am content with the things i have done, the work i have completed, the words i have written, and the time i have spent. it may only be one day that i am content with, but it has been a while. as my smile glows and the world looks upon me, i feel safe, tired, but safe. if anyone reads this that i know, i want you to understand this, i love my friends to death, and i hope and pray to god and the heavens that you will accept my love, and my decisions.
Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, January 20th, 2004|
life, misery, and a prayer
depression has met an all time high in my life, as i struggle over a dicision to leave the life i'm
living behind to start anew. with little support from those who i call friends, and an over
whelming sence that they all are feeling abandoned, i have no clue where to turn. last week i
hit a point where it was time to dicide if to go forward with the life that has caused me such
misery and hardship, with continuing my education off at mnsu, to work for the aprtment i
have trubles living in, and continuing being miserabe with the people who push drugs upon my
shoulders, or to let it all go and move to the east coast and start a life i know i will have a
chance with. upon entering my second semester at mnsu i have been placed upon academic
probation and also with a lifting restriction from my doctor, lost two of my three jobs. the
restriction was caused by an accident four years ago when i was struck by a car while in a
crosswalk. i have accomplished one thing in my life for me, which was to become drug-free.
three years ago i started a difficult jurney to becoming clean, today i have one year and 17
days under my belt, something i am extremely proud of. i have no clue what to do or where to
turn, i fear i have no one by my side. and as i trudge these lonely streets, holding onto the only
thing left, my misery, i wait upon that single day, where i am given the strength and the
guidance to pick up the pieces to my shattered soul that lay upon this broken path. may god
have mercy upon those who try and help, and may he shine upon me the grace i have never known.
Current Mood: crappy