| another sad anniversary | ||||
| 05:27pm 17/05/2004 | ||||
he was a musical genius. he was cool as hell. he played piano at our church when we were little. he and i did backflips off metal folding tables in the courtyard of the palace of the legion of honor after grad night while our friends watched. he won a grammy for sheryl crow's song "santa monica boulevard." but mostly he was one of those guys i always expected to run into again... on a related note, another friend seems to have gone, well, dark. i hope it isn't permanently. his worrying blog entry was dated may 15th. bad day for things like that. but at least my sister is doing better. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| the north node | ||||
| 10:44pm 16/05/2004 | ||||
so here's the thing. the north node is pretty much all about the lesson we were put on this earth to learn this time around. and looking at my life to this point, i'd have to say that's right. it is also the thing i struggle most strongly against: finding a way to form a permanent emotional bond without getting trapped in conformity, structure and traditional, outdated roles and values. clearly, i haven't found a way to make it work. at any rate, it made me think. about what i've done in the past and where i'd like to be in the future when it comes to relationships. ( here's more about the north node and where it falls in my cart. ) interestingly, one of the things i really like about TT is one of the things i have always avoided in past men. you can probably guess it. yep, he's big and strong and can take care of me. not that i'd let him, of course... still working on that life lesson i guess. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| eeewwww.... | ||||
| 07:10pm 14/05/2004 | ||||
damn thing was as long as my big toe... thank god for brooms with long handles. >shudder |
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| Read 3 - Post | ||||
| long hard day | ||||
| 02:35pm 14/05/2004 | ||||
other petty annoyances: - cannot get the new router to work despite many tries (will have to call tech support, but not up for that today) - my house is a complete sty - i'm still freaking about TT who has been stressed, unusually busy and distant/absent this week - tomorrow is death day in good news, i put my novel submission in the mail to soft skull today. keep your fingers crossed. this *is* my market. they have to love it. |
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| Read 5 - Post | ||||
| more food for thought | ||||
| 03:15pm 12/05/2004 | ||||
this week's romantic horoscope: You're all worked up about some matter of the heart at the beginning of the week, and if someone's being aloof, that just makes you more emotional. Try to ignore your instinct to be histrionic and relate with your head instead; you'll get a better response. By Thursday and Friday you're much more in tune with your sweetie or that hottie, so try some exploring together: Check out a new restaurant or play hooky and take a day trip. Watch out for suspicious minds on the weekend -- you need to take your time and analyze the situation, not speak before you think! translation: stop freaking out! you're just doing it to yourself. |
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| Post | ||||
| words of wisdom from the soul mate | ||||
| 01:40pm 12/05/2004 | ||||
Life is good if you want it. time to stop my whining. |
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| Read 1 - Post | ||||
| fog | ||||
| 11:16am 12/05/2004 | ||||
friend ed says he just hasn't had the energy to face the update he needs to write. i think know a little of how he feels. that and i don't feel like i have anything worthwhile to say. sure there are events to describe and feelings to vent, but who cares? and to what end? vapor, all of it. i need to deal with my body, my wardrobe, my hair and my house. i need to get my writing back in the mail. i need to wash my car and finish getting all my shit out of the old house. i need to get a good night's sleep (or twelve). i need to relax and enjoy the relationship i have instead of fixating on the one it may become. i need to let go of the past. i need more than one moment all to myself without fear that that one moment alone will stretch into forever. i need to find a place of peace. i need a rest. perhaps it is time to withdraw again. cancel all my excessive commitments and re-group. even the things i love are wearing on me. would hate to ruin them that way. so yes, time off. not from the job, persay, but from the stuff. a fast, so to speak (yes, mm, that must be what it is for me). two weeks to start -- through memorial day. after this weekend, of course. there are places i have to be. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| another hot or not | ||||
| 04:35pm 11/05/2004 | ||||
just for the record, i loath bananas but am considering buying one anyway for obvious reasons. |
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| Read 6 - Post | ||||
| may 15th | ||||
| 10:45am 11/05/2004 | ||||
 psyclonethe morning my boyfriend died, my father ran that race, snaking right by the scene of the accident — a gorgeous victorian near the corner of filmore and hayes while i fell asleep on a chocolate brown furry bean bag chair in my parent's family room. when i woke up, i thought it had been a nightmare. i guess in some ways i was right. i don't know how it happened, exactly. i know he fell off a roof. four stories. i was in the house when it happened, lying in his bed. he might have survived were it not for a birth defect that compromised his internal organ's protection. or he might not have. four stories is a long fall, after all. but the details, those i don't have. there are people who do, but they won't tell me. i suspect because it involved another girl, but i can't be sure. i know they are trying to protect me. i used to want to know, but it doesn't really matter anymore. i have the only really important information. he loved me and he's gone. he isn't the only person i've known who died on or near that day. my grandfather, my mom's cousin, my friend's aunt, my friend kg and more. many more. but every year i hope i'll get through the month without adding another name. and every once in a while i do. condolences to psy and prayers for the memory of his friend and mine. |
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| Read 4 - Post | ||||
| shaken by dreams | ||||
| 10:22am 11/05/2004 | ||||
in last night's i was up in my guest room with a couple of people dealing with all my books. suddenly the bookcases shifted/fell to one side, blocking the door. i walked over and put them back upright, thinking that there was no way they could fall that way (sideways not forward) without a push. sure enough, a moment later the whole house was shaking. i worried about being so close to the book cases lest they fall for real and crush me, but i also knew that if i stepped away, i wouldn't be there to help hold them up. ( what earthquakes mean in dreams ) something else i just remembered. my mother was an adversarial factor in both dreams. trying to hold me to the past, preventing me from moving on. according to swoon, in general a dream of your mother signifies happiness in love or personal affairs, but that is exactly what she seemed to be standing in the way of. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| reparations | ||||
| 04:38pm 07/05/2004 | ||||
yay!!! |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| hot or not? | ||||
| 04:14pm 06/05/2004 | ||||
right now i'm leaning toward love. |
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| Read 6 - Post | ||||
| vermont country store | ||||
| 12:17pm 06/05/2004 | ||||
needless to say they were full of apologies and are fedex-ing the missing items today, so they should arrive in time for that maternal holiday. |
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| Post | ||||
| six de mayo | ||||
| 12:06pm 06/05/2004 | ||||
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| Post | ||||
| what not to wear | ||||
| 04:33pm 04/05/2004 | ||||
today's outfit does everything wrong. cropped pants make my legs look even shorter than they are despite the vertical stripes. the long waisted top designed for a much bustier woman (which 20 pounds ago i was) only make it worse. add big fat addidas, a tiny hoodie and a huge black blazer (my dad's) and every single proportion is wrong, for my body and for the other pieces i've got on. so my waist looks even longer than it actually is (and it's long). and my legs look shorter than they actually are (and they're short). and i look smaller, flatter and in general, worse than i actually am. and so when i get home at least one, probably more of these items will either be exiled to the fat (aka busty) clothes bin or sent to someone less fortunate than i am. or at least younger. when you're 12 you can get away with shit like this. but when you look 12 — until you turn around — that's a very bad thing. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| (dis)honesty | ||||
| 03:26pm 04/05/2004 | ||||
it is not relevant to him. the crush has faded and all of my emotional and physical longings are aimed at TT. it would probably only cause discomfort. besides, i know TT does the same sort of editing with me. so then why do i feel guilty? |
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| Read 3 - Post | ||||
| also of note | ||||
| 06:23pm 03/05/2004 | ||||
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| Post | ||||
| busy weekend | ||||
| 04:49pm 03/05/2004 | ||||
( thursday ) ( friday ) ( saturday ) for a week when i was only supposed to see TT wednesday night and sunday, we sure spent a lot of time together. |
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| Read 2 - Post | ||||
| driving excitement | ||||
| 10:53am 03/05/2004 | ||||
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| Read 3 - Post | ||||
| rejecting guilt | |||
| 10:57pm 02/05/2004 | |||
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things i was supposed to do today: - laundry - dishes - sweeping - sort out computers - hook up dsl - more unpacking things i did today: - lunch in the mission - shopping in the haight - coffee/italian sodas and biscotti in north beach - literary history at city lights - sight seeing at coit tower - much motorcycle riding in the sun - dinner at TT's - vertigo on dvd - desert |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
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layer |
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Friends Info Calendar National Novel Editing Month |
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