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Moving on up... [17 Apr 2006|06:35pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | Bob Dylan - Let me follow you down ]


I know I haven't written in a while. I won't bother to explain why because that's boring and there is no one reason. Instead I'll just jump right in. I feel so unbelievably torn all of the time now. I am literally split in two and it's a horrible feeling. I should be at home helping out and staying with me family but I'm here with him instead. I know I'm being selfish putting it all on her shoulders but I was drowning there. I did nothing productive all day I stayed up the till the most insane hours and slept all day. It was like falling down a deep dark well and there being no bottom. I can't really explain why I felt that way while I was there. There are obvious reasons but I don't want to blame it on those reasons.. it's seems too easy to do that. I want so badly to live here with him and not feel guilty for doing it but the guilt is always going to be there and I'm not sure that's a burden I want to carry with me every single day. To other people it's logical that a person of my age would move out of their home but in my house you don't really do that because you don't want to leave one of you behind to deal with all the constant shit on their own. Why should I be the one who gets to leave? It doesn't seem fair yet nothing is fair so I don't know why I'm surprised. Is it ok to be this confident that you are going to be with the person you love forever? Things fall apart for people every day why should I consider my relationship so safe and unbreakable. I would die if something went wrong and we broke up. I don't let myself even think about that. Sometimes I feel like I've fallen TOO in love with him because I can feel it in every cell of my body and I crave being near him all of the time. I hate it when he goes to work because I hate being away from him for even that amount of time. It feels unnatural to be this dependent on someone. I'm terrified that I'm making the wrong decision by leaving and that it'll cost one or two people their lives. This may sound dramatic but I actually mean every word of it. If either of you die because of my selfishness I will never be able to forgive myself. My little sister is on here and her entries are so beautiful to me because I never hear her express herself the way she does on here. I'm so proud of her openess and I want to be able to help her open up outside ot this "cyberworld" too. I just don't know how to handle all the problems that need to be fixed. Not only do I have my Pa and Md family to fix but I also feel like I need to fix his family. I'm not capable of fixing my own life much less anyone elses but I'm always trying to think up ways to make people feel better. I'm losing that battle though. Lately I just seem to make everyone unhappy.

So I have been staying with B for the past 3 1/2 weeks. I think I may be moving in with him but it's not 100% official yet. Even if it doesn't happen I'll still be spending the majority of my time here and it's a big change for me.... one that has brought on huge bouts of depression that I haven't even felt I could talk about with anyone. Mostly the depression stems from guilt though so it's my own fault and I can't really complain. The trip to Austin Texas I went on with B turned out great. We had a lot of fun together. His parents are going on an 8 day cruise on May 20th and we're super excited about having the house to ourselves. I want to have a Barbeque or some type of party where I can invite my sisters and their boyfriends over but there is so much drama between all of us I'm not even sure it would work out. I'm definitely going to try though. B's birthday is May 1st and I have no clue what to do for him. I don't have any money and I suck at making things because they always come out worse than a pre-schoolers work. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any. I guess that's all for now because he's going to call from work in a minute and I have to take a bath. I'll write back sooner next time. Bye.


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Blue Christmas [27 Jan 2006|06:46pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | The Animals - Don't let me be misunderstood ]

Things have been so fucked up lately. Christmas was so horrible. I guess it all started on Christmas Eve. Daddy got really sick and couldn't get out of bed. He was going to the bathroom on himself and then we'd have to rush in and clean him up. My sisters did all the really dirty work.. thankfully. I'm just not the type who can handle events like this well. We were all so scared. One of his rheumatoid arthritis nodules
on his hand turned completely black and was oozing blood he had bed sores on his ass that were like a 1/4 inch deep and bleeding. It was all just so horrible. He couldn't eat, talk, sleep, or do basically anything on his own. So all Christmas Eve was spent like that. Then on Christmas Day he still wasn't doing much better but we were able to bring him downstairs and put him in his chair. He ended up spending two days in that chair. He couldn't make it back upstairs and said he wanted to wait in the chair all night and call 911 in the morning. I stayed up with him all of Christmas Night until we both fell asleep at 7am. I woke up at 1pm and he was saying that he felt a little bit better and wouldn't need to go to the hospital. We were able to feed him something light and he did indeed seem to be a little bit better. That night I took him upstairs to bed and told him to intercom me in the morning to help bring him downstairs. The next day I woke up in a panic at 3pm wondering why he never intercomed me. I knew he couldn't make it downstairs himself so I ran into his room half naked. He was laying there very still just staring at the wall with his back to me. He whispered for me to come over and told me he needed 911 because he couldn't move and was scared. I called my sister at work and had her rush home so we could get him ready for the hospital. We had to help him go to the bathroom in a bag... I held him over it... and my sister held the bag in place and wiped him. Then we got him dressed and called 911 while he had a cigarette (his last for days). We all went to the ER where we stayed for hours and hours waiting and waiting. It was really scary. At one point he became allergic to one of their antibiotics and started having trouble breathing. All the doctors rushed in and put an oxygen mask on him and put something in his IV to counteract the other thing. It was all very dramatic and frightening for me. He eventually got a room at around 5am. He spent a week or more in the hospital. Apparently the infection in his hand had gotten out of control and that's what made him so sick. He got a picc put in his arm so we could give him 6 weeks of antibiotics at home. He's still on them now and we have to do a ton of other shit for him too. It's been so stressful. He's doing a lot better than before and because of the IV he hasn't been able to drink since the whole ordeal. Hopefully he won't go back to drinking once the IV is out. Other than that not too much as been going on. My little sister came up from MD the day my dad got out of the hospital and has been staying here to help out the past few weeks. We're going to take her home tomorrow. Daddy's coming in B's car with me and my sister Kate and my other sister and her bf are driving in her car with my little sister. We're supposed to be having our delayed Christmas with my mother. I guess it'll be ok. In March B and me are going to Austin, TX from the 15th to the 19th. He knows the musician Helios Creed and since he'll be playing SXSW we're going down there to see him. It'll be my first time ever on a plane. I'm pretty freaked out about it. I've always been scared of planes because I don't want to die and I have a fear the plane will go down. I just hope it all goes ok and I get there and back safely. I don't know why I'm such a baby about flying but I just can't help it. Hmm I guess that's about it. I'll try to get back in the groove of updating now that things have calmed down with my dad. I guess it's understandable why I haven't written. So anyway bye.


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Pretty Pictures [04 Feb 2004|01:13am]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | ................ ]

The tangent universe has collapsed...
You are the epitome of the troubled teen, trying to
make sense of an often confusing, even surreal
and very, very mad world. You know you're a
little nutso, but that dosen't change anything.
Constantly searching for something that lies
beneath the surface of life, be it God, or
time, or fate, or anything, you see things
other people don't. Figuratively and literally.

What Lovable Fictional Sociopath Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Pandora. You are consumed by curiosity and
wonder to the point that it may inhibit your
ability to function "properly". If
you ever succumb to these curiosities, you will
pay dearly, for what you ask is something that
must not be known.

Which Waterhouse Painting Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't write anymore because I don't want anybody to hear anymore....

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Ghost Song [17 Jan 2004|02:49am]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | shhhh ]

Indians scattered on dawn's highway bleeding
Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind.

"Me and my — mother and father — and a grandmother and a grandfather — were driving through the desert, at dawn, and a truck load of Indian workers had either hit another car, or just — I don't know what happened — but there were Indians scattered all over the highway, bleeding to death."
"So the car pulls up and stops. That was the first time I tasted fear. I musta' been about four — like a child is like a flower, his head is floating in the breeze, man."
"The reaction I get now thinking about it, looking back — is that the souls of the ghosts of those dead Indians... maybe one or two of 'em... were just running around freaking out, and just leaped into my soul. And they're still in there.

Indians scattered on dawn's highway bleeding
Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind.

Indian, Indian what did you die for?
Indian says, nothing at all.

Gently they stir, gently rise.
The dead are newborn awakening
With ravaged limbs and wet souls,
Gently they sigh in rapt funeral amazement.
Who called these dead to dance?
Was it the young woman learning to play the ghost song on her baby grand?
Was it the wilderness children?
Was it the ghost god himself, stuttering, cheering, chatting blindly?
I called you up to anoint the earth.
I called you to announce sadness falling like burned skin.
I called to wish you well,
To glory in self like a new monster.
And now I call on you to pray.

By James Douglas Morrison

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The Professional [02 Jan 2004|03:13am]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | silence ]


Mathilda: You killed my brother.

Stansfield: I'm sorry....and you want to join him?

Mathilda: No.

Stansfield: It's always the same thing; It's when you start to become really afraid of death that you learn to appreciate life- do you like life, sweetheart?

Mathilda: Yes.

Stansfield: That's good...because I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person that doesn't care about it.

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The Slayer [11 Dec 2003|04:41am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | Raindrops hitting the windows ]

Excerpt from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run, can't hide, can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First. I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now. 'Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?

.........God that show was so much more than 'just a show.' I miss it :(

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Why can I be surrounded by people and STILL feel unbearably lonely?? [28 Nov 2003|05:40am]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | Quietness ]

"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would."

--Prozac Nation By: Elizabeth Wurtzel

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Looking Back with Wonder [25 Nov 2003|08:32pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Daddy flipping the channels ]

Looking Back with Wonder
from "The Wonder Years" episode "Independence Day" (series finale) written by Bob Brush

Adult Kevin/Narrator (voice over): Once upon a time there was a girl I knew, who lived across the street. Brown hair, brown eyes. When she smiled, I smiled. When she cried, I cried. Every single thing that ever happened to me that mattered, in some way had to do with her. That day Winnie and I promised each other that no matter what, that we'd always be together. It was a promise full of passion and truth and wisdom. It was the kind of promise that can only come from the hearts of the very young.
The next day Winnie and I came home. Back to where we'd started. It was the 4th of July in that little suburban town. Somehow though, things were different. Our past was here, but our future was somewhere else. And we both knew, sooner or later, we had to go. It was the last July I ever spent in that town. The next year, after graduation, I was on my way.
So was Paul. He went to Harvard, of course. Studied law. He's still allergic to everything.
As for my father...well...we patched things up. Hey, we were family. For better or worse. One for all...and all for one.
Karen's son was born in that September. I gotta say, I think he looks like me. Poor kid. Mom, she did well: business woman, board chairman, grandmother...cooker of mashed potatoes. The Wayner stayed on in furniture. Wood seemed to suit him. In fact he took over the factory two years later....when dad passed away. Winnie left the next summer to study art history in Paris.
Still we never forgot our promise. We wrote to each other once a week for the next eight years. I was there to meet her, when she came home, with my wife and my first son, eight months old. Like I said, things never turn out exactly the way you planned.
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place...a town...a house like a lot of other houses... A yard like a lot of other yards...on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is...after all these years, I still look back...with wonder.
[Fade to black]
Young Boy (voiceover): Hey dad, wanna play catch?
Narrator (voiceover): I'll be right there.

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Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas..... [22 Nov 2003|05:34am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | the buzzing of silence ]

The Drugs Began To Take Hold
written by Terry Gilliam, Tony Grisoni, Tod Davies, & Alex Cox, from the novel by Hunter S. Thompson

Raoul Duke: We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit light headed, maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" (attorney says: "What are you yelling about?") "Never mind, its your turn to drive." No point in mentioning those bats, I thought, the poor bastard will see them soon enough. We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all this for the trip, but once you get locked in a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that worried me was the ether, there is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

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Drug [08 Oct 2003|03:03pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | General Hospital on TV ]

I'm sick of looking at the other entry everytime I come here so I found something stupid to replace it.

You are LSD.

What Drug Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Never Ever Again [08 Sep 2003|03:41pm]
Please someone help me. My hands are shaking and I can't breath. I really want to disappear.

He had a drink, two, well three, well more in a little bit, well alot for the rest of his life.



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Blah Blah Blah as usual [07 Sep 2003|08:17pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | TV..... ]

I NEVER fit in anywhere..

I'm never enough for........anyone not even myself.

1 comment|post comment

I know its stupid... [27 Aug 2003|12:52am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]
[ music | The tom green show ]

Hey I know its lame but I succombed to stupidness and took those really bad quizes.....lol.....surprisingly the were sorta accurate. Bye Bye.

your shit.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

......see even the computer calls me shit. :(

Here's my heart..

Info Black
Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alright thats it for now.

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Fucked [12 Jul 2003|09:17pm]
[ mood | PISSED ]
[ music | time- pink floyd ]

Does anyone know how to commit a murder and get away with it? I really want to murder my mothers boyfriend. He was so rude to me just a second ago when I called to talk to my brother and sister. That hick motherfucker just set down the phone when I asked for my sister without saying a word to me. I could hear him trying to find her and when he found out that she was in the shower instead of telling me he said "I ain't got nothing to say to the fucking bitch" and made my 10 year old little brother tell me instead. WOW wtf what a great example to set for a 10 year. You fucking asshole grow the fuck up and act like a decent human being. What is the matter with everyone to day no one has any manners at all no one knows how to act HUMAN anymore. I swear to god I wish I had a sniper gun and was allowed to go out and kill everybody that acted like that and get away with it. I guess I feel a little better now.

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This a story I've been working on.......I'm not sure where to take it feedback would be great. [08 Jul 2003|04:28am]
I had just awakened. The sun wasn't even up yet but something had pulled me from my sleep. I lay still, waiting for my eyes to adjust and wondered why I was even awake.
As I tried to close my eyes again, a moving shadow caught my eye. I froze in sudden paranoid fear. It was nothing, I told myself, but then it moved again ...
I lay there not breathing and wait for the fear to pass, but it doesn't. Suddenly the shadow makes a sudden leap towards me and I feel hands around my body, forcing me still. The shadow binds my hands and puts something over my eyes. Why did I have to come out here alone, I should have known better, what was I thinking?.............I didn't know what was going to happen next or when this was going to stop. I felt myself being picked up, I was being carried now to an unknown destination. I had no idea what was going to happen to me and I was too scared to yell or cry or barely breath why hadn't I ran as soon as I thought I heard something why did I have to wait to be sure?
I don't know how long I was carried for but my assailent soon came to a halt and I heard a door creak open. I was carried into a warm room, I could smell a fire burning, and heard piano music playing, I thought it might be beethoven. Oddly enough I was gently laid on to some kind of couch or chair. When my mask was removed whoever had taken me was standing behind me so I couldn't see them so instead I took in the room before me. It was a small log cabin with a fireplace lit, as I suspected, a small rug and two rocking chairs placed before the fireplace, there was a soiled looking mattress in the darkened left corner of the room. I was sitting on a couch in front of a window, from what I could tell, cause of a large draft. I looked around, as much as I could without actually turning around, to see where the music was coming from. I spotted a small Cd player in the corner with a candlestick and blanket laying next to it. After surveying the place I decided to attempt to look behind me to see who had brought me here. I began to slowly turn my head and before I could see who it was I was knocked in the head with a heavy object and the light in my eyes dimmed out as I lost conciousness.
I had no clue how much time had passed when I came to but I did noticed that I was naked on the soiled mattress I had seen in the corner, that my hands were tied behind my back, and that my head was bleeding from where I had been hit. At this point I couldn't help myself any longer and I began to sob. The lighting in the room had changed from pretty well lit to really dim and I couldn't see much between the smudged makeup in my eyes and the lack of lighting in the room. The music was turned very low and I could hear someones breathing in the corner opposite me. I didn't know what else to do so I tried to get whoever was there to talk to me.
"Hello are you there. Why are you doing this to me. What do you want from me. Please let me go. You don't want to do this. Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee!!!!!!"
Suddenly it started running really fast torwards me and jumped on top of me, I began screaming as loud as I could. It put its hand over my mouth and screamed SHUT UP BITCH THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART! His voice was harsh and deep and shut me right up. He layed his head on me and listened to the rest of his song. I began to notice a weird smell I hadn't noticed when I first got there. It smelled like meat that had gone bad mixed with the smell of burning leaves. For some reason the smell sent a shiver up and down my spine. He didn't talk once the song ended he just went on listening to the next and breathing deeply. I could feel him slobbering on my bare breast as he began to fall asleep. He was really heavy and made it hard for me to breath on top of the fact that his hand was still over my mouth. Omigod I'm never gonna get away and NOBODY knows that I am here. What is he going to do to me? Is anyone else here with him? (Sobbing hysterically) Oh god I have to stop crying please don't let him wake up. I felt my eyes begin to flutter shut and I fell into a deep unwanted sleep.
When I began to open my eyes the sun was shining into the cabin brightly. Please let this have just been a horrible dream.......I don't want to die. It wasn't a dream I was still lying naked on the filthy mattress and tied up. The man who was laying on me when I fell asleep wasn't on me anymore in fact I didn't spot him anywhere at the moment. I felt a little relieved and thought maybe he had gone somewhere so I began trying to get my hands untied. I was having a lot of trouble getting my hands free it was knotted very tightly but as I kept trying it the rope was loosening up and my hands were becoming free. Soon enough I got the rope off and sat up. I was buck naked and my head was throbbing from where I'd been hit before. It was deathly quiet so I took a chance, stood up, and began to walk around. It appeared to be a three room cabin, me being in the biggest of all, the living room. I walked into what appeared to be a small kitchen. A horrible smell almost knocked me on my feet as I went in deeper. I gaged and put my hand over my mouth and nose. The room was completely a mess there was what appeared to be shit on the walls and parts of what looked like animal carcass all over the counters. It was really dark in there also because there was a thick layer of dust and dirt covering the large window over the sink. I had to get out of that room immediately the smell was almost unbearable. I turned and went back through the living room back towards where the mattress was, thats where what must be the bedroom to the cabin was. The door leading to the room was closed so I stepped quietly and closely towards the door and put my ear up to it. I couldn't hear anything coming from inside so I opened the door slowly and pushed it all the way open to evaluate the inside. It looked like a hospital room inside. There was a hospital bed, made up perfectly, against the main wall, a cart with medical tools layed out, and a wheelchair in the corner. It also was the only room in the cabin that didn't smell horrible. This room smelled just like a hospital. I'd seen enough and now that I knew he definately wasn't there it was time for me to make my break. I didn't see my clothes anywhere so I'd have to make a run for it as I was. I dashed for the front door but it must've been bolted from the outside cause I couldn't get it open no matter how hard I tried. I then covered my nose and went for the backdoor, it opened easily so I ran for it but a large area was fenced off and I couldn't see any opening. I did see some kind of large outhouse off to the side of the "yard" so I went torwards that thinking maybe tools might be kept in it or something and I could cut a hole in the fence. I went over to the door of the outhouse and just as I was getting ready to open the door it swung open and a large man in a labcoat and scrubs was standing there. He was what most woman would consider cute, he must of been 6'2", he had intensely dark eyes, black hair, and a scruffy face. Before I had a chance to run he grabbed me by the throat and yanked me into the outhouse. He threw me on the ground and sat on a chair in front of me.
"I've been waiting for you. It's funny how dumb you girls are. You never think to break a window and run, all of you always come out the back and right to me. It's almost as if you want to be caught, like you get off on it. Being naked in front of a man you desire and fear all in the same instant. You like it don't ya you little whore?"
"Please let me go. I promise I won't tell anyone what happened. You won't get in trouble if you just let me go."
"Wow you're bright. Don't you get it you dumb bitch, nobody knows where this cabin is. I watched you come out here yesterday morning I know that you are all alone. Also, I'm not dumb enough to get caught unlike you little whores, coming out here begging to get caught, begging to get raped, begging to get mutalated, begging to get killed. That's what you wanted isn't it bitch? You wanted to teach your folks a lesson for grounding you or something stupid like that, so you come hide out in the woods without telling anyone, just to make everyone worry about you. While congratufuckinglations cunt it worked you ran right into the boogieman and now your going to die and your parents are really gonna be taught that lesson. Are you happy?"
Sobbing and shaking uncontrollable now
"NO please let me go. Don't kill me. I'll do anything for you please don't hurt me."
"You already are gonna have to do anything for me bitch. Don't worry about that. You're mine now. Let's go I've got plans for you."
He picked me up, lugged me back inside the cabin, and took me in to the hospital bed room. I got thrown on the bed and my hands and legs got tied down. He then left the room and slammed the door shut.
I was left in there all day and it was dark outside and in the bedroom. I was scared to death. I was beginning to fall asleep from weakness. I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen........And then I fell into a restless sleep.
I woke up really dazed, it must have been late because it was still really dark out and I felt like I had been asleep for a really long time. I don't know what to do......where is he? I thought he might have been gone because it was so quiet, but then all of a sudden he burst through the bedroom door, candle in hand, and came to my bedside.
"You've been out for a while. It's really annoying when you pass out, I want you to be awake for whats to come, so I've brought you something to eat."
He had some kind of cold oatmeal in a bowl and began force feeding it to me roughly. It tasted like paper, but it made my stomach stop hurting and made me feel more energized, which guessing from "whats to come" might not have been a good thing. After the bowl was empty he threw it in the corner and began bringing in lots of lit candles. Soon the room was brightly lit. Oh no what is he planning to do to me.........I could smell death in the air and feel it in my bones. I was too weak to fight my way out of this hell and too awake to dream my way to death. He pushed over the cart with the medical instruments and sat on a stool next to my bed.
"Are you ready to start the cleansing."
"What are you talking about? What are you gonna do to me?"
"I'm gonna wash the filth off of you before I send you to a higher place. Wait right here. Haaaahaaaaa wow I didn't notice how funny that was until I said it. Of course you'll wait right here you don't have a choice."
He walked in to the living room and turned on his music he loved so much. Then he returned to the bedroom with a bowl and sponge. Inside the bowl appeared to be a thick dark liquad.
"I guess your wandering what this is. This is the blood of the last girl I saved. After your gone I'll use your blood on the next. Get it?"
I layed there naked, sobbing, and shaking as he began smearing blood all over my naked body. When he got to my breasts he rubbed extra hard and cursed underneath his breath as if that were the part of me he hated the most.
"I know what you're thinking bitch, this guys crazy, none of you filthy whore's ever appreciate what I'm doing for you. I'm saving your soul. I'm ripping the evil out of you, stripping the ego off you, and bringing the innocence of a sobbing child back to you. After I'm done you will be saved and get to spend eternity peacefully in heaven. Why don't you thank me you little piggy, huh, thank me you whore, do it."
He put a scaple to my throught and began to push down until a small drop of blood dripped down my throat.
"OK BITCH. If thats the way you want it. I'll get this party started right now."
He started throwing around everything in the room and cursing and screaming. Then he grabbed his scalpel, ran over to me and starting slashing at my stomach with it. There was a lot of blood but he made sure not to cut deep enough to kill me or hurt me badly. He just wanted to see my blood and let me know he wasn't fucking around. I just kept laughing to piss him off so he'd kill me and I wouldn't have to go through this anymore.
"Thats what you want isn't it you little bitch, I'll teach you a lesson. Oh your gonna love this. Get ready whore I'm gonna give you what you want."
He blew out most of the candles so I could only see glimpses of what he was doing. Out of nowhere, he must have changed the CD, cause now I heard a womans screams coming from the CD player.
"Help me, please help me someone,(screaming at the top of her lungs), what are you doing get off of me,AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, OMIGOD." (Chainsaw comes on)(Sounds like its cutting through bone), gurgling.
This was being played extremely loud. I could here that girl dying. I began screaming and sobbing. He rushed over to me with his pants off and jumped on top of me.
"Thats what I like to hear my girl doing. Scream. I like it. Repent bitch repent. I'm gonna show you what being a poor sport gets you slut."
He shoved himself in me and slammed away roughly for the longest time while biting my nipples till they bled and smearing human feces in my face. At this point I was begging God to kill me nothing could be worse than this. I felt like my insides along with any dignity I had left being ripped from me that second. Next he shoved his cock in my mouth and told me to bite down hard and everytime I would he'd put his hands around my neck so I couldn't breath and wait for me to almost pass out before stopping. All of this went on, off and on, till the morning sun had risen, at that point he shut off the CD player and left the room, slamming the door shut and leaving me alone. While he was gone I assessed the damage as much I could while still being tied down. I felt blood trickling down my legs from the rape but couldn't tell how bad it was from the vantage point I had. There was still shit all over my face and at some point I must've thrown up on myself because there was vomit on the side of my shoulder and face. My stomach had dried blood all over it, some of it my own and some from a victim before. My nipples were swollen very badly from where he had almost bitten all the way through. Other than that I couldn't see much else. I was deathly famished and exhausted from the night of hell i had experienced and was beginning to become delirious. Daddy I'm sorry I left please forgive me. I'm going to die and I won't have the chance to say goodbye to anyone. I hope nobody finds my body, ever, I look so horrible, it would kill my parents to have to identify my body, to have to see how disrespectfully my life was taken by a man who made me suffer as much as he could before he took my life.........somebody kill me please.......I can't take anymore. I thought I was stronger than this but I was wrong........let me die.
When I came to I thought I was died because for a moment I couldn't see or feel a single thing. Slowly though my senses came back and I became aware that I was in a little girls dress and my hair had been pulled back in pigtails. Omigod what the fuck is next? I had no fucking clue how long I'd been out but since I had all the furniture that had been in the room was removed except for me and the wheelchair I was strapped to, I started attempting to wheel myself over to the window to see if I could open it or see if he was around. I finally got to the window and was astounded to find I could open it easily which was refreshing although I new that while being strapped to this chair I had no chance in hell of getting out the window. The fresh air was nice and soothing if felt like the first time I had breathed in a long time and made me a lot less weary. Meanwhile the relaxation and calmness I was experience was making me realize that I couldn't give up the way I had wanted to before. There was too much to live for and I wasn't going to let some lunatic take it all away from me...It was time to think of a plan and start fighting back. It seemed impossible to get out the chair but if I new he was far away maybe I could brake the whole thing apart. I could only do this if he was gone though cuz it was going to be too loud. I quickly rolled towards the door and listened at the crack to see if I could hear him moving around or snoring or something. I heard nothing. Good maybe I have a small chance. There was only one other place he could be if he wasn't outback or in the living room and that was the kitchen. So i rolled over to the wall that was connected to the kitchen and put my ear up to it. I couldn't hear a single thing, it appeared that he was probably out there in the woods somewhere which made it easier to get out of the house but more difficult to get out of the woods to a road or some place. Since he was nowhere around I began kicking the wheels of the chair and trying to mess with certain screws. It was working a bit but really slowly. I kept slowing down because I was having horrible flashbacks of last nights ordeal. I need to get to a hospital fast I'm in soooo much pain.....I can't believe that monster was inside me. Push it out of your mind you have to work faster if you want to get out of this alive. I began working at a rapid pace and soon I had broke free. I got up slowly from the destroyed chair and paused for a minute when everything started to spin. Jeez it feels like forever since I've eaten. Push it out. Don't think about it. I went over to the bedroom door and opened it. Everything appeared to be the same as the first time I had seen it. I grabbed his precious stereo and chucked it as hard as I could out the front window. It shattered and glass flew all over the place. As I stood on the couch and manuevered myself out the window chards of glass cut up my feet but I barely felt it cuz I was so happy to be outside. Now came the hard part I had to get out of these woods knowing that he could be anywhere out there.
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