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Friday, January 16th, 2004
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12:26 pm - dan's blog
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dan asked so dan received.
here is his blog: http://blog.cravingthesoulfood.org/
and no, i don't know how to link it any other way on blurty.
some of us went to high school with him.
some of us met him way back when he was a kid in diapers. (aka jeanie)
anyhow, enjoy. =)
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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1:16 am - 2004
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| Saturday, December 27th, 2003
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2:25 am - hehe
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| Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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1:12 pm - winter day
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it's slightly blinding; an opague fog covers the entire city as i exit my building, making my way towards the train station. the wind scatters strands of hair into my eyes; its coldness biting my skin, leaving behind a glowing pink tinge on my cheeks similar to a lover's kiss. one last tired autumn leaf falls from a tree above me and floats elegantly to the ground. i watch each car rush past me before crossing the road.
such is life. another day, and yet another day; then christmas arrives. but even that seemingly makes no difference to me. it is just one more day. and what is life if not a gathering of days?
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| Saturday, December 20th, 2003
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1:22 pm - from 'dead poets society'
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"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.' That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"
-John Keating (Robin Williams)
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to 'glorify God and enjoy him forever.'
Still we live meanly, like ants; though the fable tells us that we were long ago changed into men; like pygmies we fight with cranes; it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail. An honest man has hardly need to count more than his ten fingers, or in extreme cases he may add his ten toes, and lump the rest. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!
-Henry David Thoreau
current mood:  sick
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2003
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10:27 pm - pepitas
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strings of bright coloured christmas lights strewn across the ceiling in contract with large blue, white and pink fans hung with equal abandon. all this amongst stings of chilli pepper lighhts; large lanterns and parrots finishing the decor. i watched the reflection glow from the glass panes while down below, cars rushed by in the streets. but here we were, sitting across from each other listening to spanish songs sung by a man comfortably strumming his guitar. he sang a soft ballad to start off and we clapped. he grinned and sang a faster upbeat tempo; we cheered. the food was great, the people lively. we unwrapped our gifts and enjoyed the surprises. then a little more alcohol before we succumbed to the mexican beat; our feet dancing against the wooden floor: a soft swing, laughing and swaying our bodies to the music.
i cradled my cup of after-dinner coffee in my hands as the evening came to a close. it was a good year end christmas dinner party with my office collegues.
current mood:  good
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1:19 am - in the darkness
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just like petals scattering in the open wind, i decided to let go.
each will have its own journey but if the end justifies the means, then i will be satisfied.
fate has its own way of thinking and there's no use in questioning it further.
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| Monday, December 8th, 2003
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5:45 pm - twilight
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so i went to the passport office today and got my application rejected after waiting for more than an hour. apparently my photos had too much glare on them. so i went downstairs to sinclair centre and re-took them but i have to go again tomorrow morning because the office closed. nice asian photographer lady, patty; she was quite amusing. it seemed like i wasn't just taking a passport photo, from her telling me to adjust my head this way and that, i felt as if she was doing a whole portrait of me. that was cool though. i liked her.
afterwards, i strolled around the waterfront again. the christmas lights were set out and it was early twilight to a beautiful backdrop of snowy mountains and a calm river; even the white flying seagulls made a piercing impression against the darkening skies. the christmas lights, the decorated cruise boats and the lights from the mountain ski lifts reflected into the waters. i was standing nearby the convention centre and just leaning on the white rail, gazing into the sky, enjoying the continuous rush of the wind.
and i felt i belonged. even though my day turned out to be less than perfect, it was alright
current mood: good
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12:08 am - YAY!
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p bought me an early christmas present!
it's the "yours completely" danny chan song 5 disc collection!
right now i'm listening to it. it's so clear ... unlike some of the songs i've downloaded.
woooo! yay! =D
i can hardly believe danny's been gone for a while now. sigh.
i love his voice.
current mood:  surprised
current music: danny chan
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| Friday, December 5th, 2003
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1:47 am - keeping busy just because
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i rarely drink coffee these days but today i indulged. back in the days at snv, i drank coffee every morning to the point of at least 3 cups a day - not surprising since i was working evenings and weekends sometimes (during tariff months or tradeshow prep) on top of a regular work schedule. i realized i was kinda overdoing it when my hands started to shake and tremble after a while so i stopped.
arriving at work, i went to hamir's coffee shop and ordered some kind of mocha frappe for a change. i took a sip and said "there's no coffee in this!" hamir insisted that there was but to appease me, he put in an extra shot of expresso and it was all good. it's an entire different state of mind when the bittersweet crumbly taste of coffee is slowly savoured. sometimes it's luxury just to breathe.
i finished the call report tonight. now i just need to finalize the FIT 04/05 planner, finish going through the contracts and then update the ecommerce IDS procedures for our current dot.com reservations. that needs to be done this weekend because the deadline is on tuesday when i'm not in the office. sigh. this saturday: dr chow's in the morning.
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| Saturday, November 29th, 2003
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3:22 pm - aiya!
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please note this is not a dramatization:
i walk into work, peer at my shelf/inbox and i almost scream. sigh! what the hell!??! i was only away for only 1 shift. what's this? and this? and all this? why me? nooo ... wahhh ...
current mood: shocked
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| Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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2:44 am - hm
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Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.
"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."
The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.
As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
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2:39 am - busy
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yesterday morning i shadow'd at dr chow's. it was all very pleasant. win droppped by for an eye appointment and that was fun. i love teasing my older sister and when dr chow and i gang up on her, there's no turning back! her face blushes red, she goes to pieces, stammers and caves in to our demands. hahah poor winnie. =D afterwards, we went to pacific center for about an hour where i proceeded to buy her 3 sweaters, for both her (early) christmas and (belated) birthday presents. yay! they looked so nice on her. see, i gotta dress up my sister so she can meet some nice uh ... men. =) oh and the inevitable happened, i bought a nice jar of cranberry scented body butter from body shop. it smells really good! i'm not sure whether to keep it or to give it away as a gift. normally the latter occurs because i can't justify keeping something like that for myself.
i also agreed to tutor dr chow's receptionist, jennifer's 10 year old son in english and various other homework matters. i don't mind helping out in that way on my days off because she lives near me. it's nice to give something back because she was so nice to me while training.
then off to work at the hotel by 3pm; i was exhausted at the end of my shift. needless to say, a panda faced me boarded the train towards home around 11pm. sigh.
next time i'm heading to dr chow's will be friday 9am-1pm and saturday 10am-2pm.
ARGH! i think a bug just bit me! there's an itchy welt on my arm!
current mood: itchy
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| Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
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1:18 am - ....
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just finished reading "Goodbye Tsugumi"
i envy the family that's in the novel; how close knit they are, how warm.
i guess it's no good to wish for something you can't really have.
story of my life? in love, in family, in career ...
perhaps this is as good as it gets.
first i was annoyed, then frustrated, now sad.
it would be so nice to attend a summer or spring festival in japan.
but i guess i'd probably end up wandering around by myself.
just like how i am in this life.
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| Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
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5:09 pm - list
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phones are slow today at work which gives me a chance to catch up on paperwork and let the junior agents answer the calls.
corporate program promotions ...
call reports ...
fit net rates & planner 04/05 ... go through each contract one by one; then maximizer the listings
i find myself putting my head down on the desk and just massaging the back of my neck. sigh.
i should have shadowed at dr. chow's today but i had to run some errands instead. tonight i'll see my parents, siblings for dinner because tomorrow is win's birthday. and i didn't get her anything yet!
on the side note: i met a really nice old lady on the train today. interestingly, she gave me hope in the most unexpected ways.
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| Friday, November 21st, 2003
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1:49 pm - work & other things
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first off, let me just say that ... i'm sleepy. =)
i just returned from dr. chow's office where i shadowed ann for most of the morning. its friday so the office is more or less closed because the doctor isn't there which meant a good opportunity for me to get to know a few things ... except ann was a bit busy so i tried to learn on my own. basically i just did some labelling on the cases, answered the phone, signed for parcels and went through their database. ann's really nice to me, i find it easy to chat with her in chinese - she's quite funny because she'd be joking around.
ann: "so win's your sister ... that name sounds familiar .. wait, is your mom ...? (gives name)"
me: "yeah"
ann: "OH! so that's your mom! ah, you do resemble her!"
me: "..." ^^;;;
apparently, my mom's infamous in the office. she's one of their long time clients and uh, i guess you can say we're family to dr. chow.
ann: "so why are you working so hard? you're so young, you should be out dating and having fun!"
me: (just took a sip of water and trying to not choke)"uh ... well, no one's interested"
ann: "hah! don't say that. no no, that's not true. you just don't want them right?"
me: (pensive smile) "i'm just trying to get back into school that's all"
ann: "you're so young but you're already out on your own. must be hard huh?"
me: (laughing because i feel like such a kid) "yeah but its nice to be independent"
ann: "where are you going afterwards? shopping? friends?"
me: "i'm ... going to work at 3pm to 11pm"
ann: "... what? you have work today?"
me: "yup"
ann: "aiya! you should go out and have fun"
me: (thinking we've just been through this?) "it's okay, i don't mind"
ann: "you've all known dr. chow for a long time huh?"
me: "yeah i think i've known him since when i was in my mommy's tummy"
ann: (laughing) "oh wow! he watched you all grow up!"
ann was kind to let me leave around noon and i headed to the supermarket below to buy a few things for groceries. so i headed home to make udon and gyozas for lunch and to bring to work later. i'm a bit tired now. it's friday for the rest of the world but to me, it's really only wednesday.
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| Thursday, November 20th, 2003
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10:17 am - feeling down and no words to describe
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| Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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5:40 pm - rain reflections
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it's like a river outside. i just went for a stroll in the rain; had to go to the store on an errand.
just reflecting on a few things that merr said to me the other day. she said i'd always been lonely and i've always had to look out for myself no matter what. in a way, she's right, in a way she's wrong. when i was growing up as a child, i had no friends and now that i'm supposedly 'grown up', i don't have much of family. i guess it has to balance out some way. it's cold and try as i might, it's a bit hard to get warm.
somedays, everything looks bright, hopeful and i feel happy because things are starting to work out. but on days like this, as i walk home slowly: each drop falling on my umbrella, life seems to be an endless sidewalk - myself walking alone as the rain pours down on me. well, at least i have an umbrella right? gotta look on the positive side a little. time eventually clears the clouds and it stops raining.
on a side note: i am happy for p and his new girlfriend. she is good to him and i'm glad. no further regrets there.
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9:49 am - excerpt from N.P.
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from N.P. ~ Banana Yoshimoto
But I could do little to lessen the fatigue that had been building up in him before we even met, the weariness over the complications of his life. I was incapable of truly understanding the darkness that made up a large part of his personality, the blackness that I found so attractive. From the moment we met, I was a butterfly that flew into that space that was his soul, a room where the light had begun to dim. Although he may have regarded me as a welcome distraction, in fact, my presence only confused him more because I introduced flashes of daylight into his darkness.
This is merely wishful thinking on my part: if only the grown-up me could meet him, I could bring joy and calm into his life, rather than the dazzle of a teenage girl. Who knows, maybe it would be futile, but I still have such regrets. If I could only meet him again. This was my only hope. But maybe I'm overrating my own abilities.
*sigh*
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| Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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6:27 pm - returning home
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a reflection: could i have died tonight or at the very least, been severely injured?
just leaving work, i was in the middle of crossing the street when suddenly, i heard a loud honk and a screech of tires. for a moment, i stood shock still - a white car had been speeding down the road towards the bridge and almost ran through the red light and myself until a taxi cab blared its horn at it just in time. admittedly it was raining hard; the road may have been slippery but at the speed the woman had been driving, it was obvious she hadn't been concentrating. given the circumstances that she was partially through the intersection, i wouldn't have had time to even dodge the car and yet, here i am, sitting, alive and recalling the incident.
in morbid ways, i can almost imagine the shattering of glass, the screams, a heavy thud, the snap of bones, then rain pelting hard on blood slowly seeping from my dark hair and flowing down the street.
but instead here i am. thank you yellow cab & driver.
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