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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

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    I wonder what the best things for me to do are. In fact, I wonder this all the time. "What woudl be the best thing for me to eat?" "Where would the best place for me to go be?" "Who would be the best person for me to hang out with?" I think I sort of weaken my natural impulses and more action-oriented self by trying to suss out what would be optimal rather than just doing something that occurs to me in the moment.

    It's kind of like my happiness is some very fragile thing and if I don't handle it very carefullly it will fall down off the mental shelf and crash and break into a million pieces. Which is silly. The other day I was talking to some customers at work trying to remember the saying that goes something like "Happiness is not a destination, rather it is a journey." But that isn't quite it. The jist of it, though, is there. Happiness is not something to achieve, but something to have while achieving. Basic happiness, not to say moments or even days of sadness or anger are bad, but an underlying basic happiness, would be really good to have. Obviously.

    Or is it so obvious. Some people believe in the suffering. Or the pursuit of happiness. Which implies it is something to chase, rather than an inherent state.

    I so often feel like I don't know the answer to questions I pose for myself, but maybe I do, somewhere inside me. And I really feel like I'd benefit from not looking for happiness, but feeling it right where I am. Like now. Maybe it's in a spirit of gratitude, or in a deep trust in the nature of life, or just plain existing.

    I do like where I am in this moment. I like this room, I like my computer, I like the image of Gael Garcia Bernal on my computer wallpaper, I like typing, I like thinking about this stuff. I have a lot to be happy about, right in this moment. Maybe it's taken me this long in my life to clear out some of the yuck in my psyche to get to a point where I can actually feel the good stuff.

    I know I have a ways to go, but I feel good about where I am in the journey.

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