Blurty for launchingduncan.

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Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Time:9:08 pm.
Nicky and I broke up yesterday. It was awful. We sobbed and held each other and eventually said goodbye.

Today I am miserable, yet resigned to somehow find a way to move on.

I loved him.
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Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Time:10:06 am.
Tonight, Nick, Rosella and I are going to the Radiohead show at some new amphitheater in Auburn.

For some reason, I almost always dread going to concerts. Maybe it's the crowds, maybe it's the whole "getting there" process, or maybe it's something more subtle like an underlying fear that the band I love and am about to see play are going to suck and destroy my love of them.

Probably it's just because I'm contrary some times, especially when it comes to following through on plans made weeks or months in advance. I may have been in the mood in June to go to this show, but cripey, that was two months ago. Now things are weird with Nicky, I'm feeling totally anti-social, and I don't wanna be stuck in a car for an hour or more both ways as we slog through stupid stupid event traffic, moving six miles per hour for forty miles.

Oh, well. I usually end up having fun in spite of myself.

Cuz I'm even contrary to my contrariness sometimes.
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Friday, August 29th, 2003

Time:8:26 pm.
So here I am. Nicky's not here, rarely is in fact. And this is okay with me. I like to be alone, because most of the things I truly enjoy are solitary activities.

The mildly effed up part is that while I may be fine with being alone, I think part of me wants Nicky not to be. I like to think, dreadful, insecure person that I am, that he is at home pining away for me, counting the minutes 'til we are together again. I like to think that he is wondering just what the hell he was thinking when he decided to move himself fully into his apartment, how could he be so wrong-headed?

Or at least I like to think that he misses the aesthetic niceness of my place. It is mildly splendid, in a not-rich-person's-place kind of way. It is tasteful and elegant and homey and exceptionally color-coordinated. No stark white walls. Amber, warm ambience all around. Golds and olives and wine and brick red tones abound, and it is quite easy on the eyes.

Just like Nicky. He is gorgeous, no doubt. A real head-turner, that one. He has more crushes on him than the So Big virus has phony e-mails. But is that enough reason for me to be with him? I mean, yeah he's also funny and smart and compassionate, but he is also not, I don't think, a very happy person, and I feel like I spend too much of my time attempting to fill up his happiness bucket, only to watch him overturn it time and again.

Like my damn bucket's any fuller. I just wish I could tell if having him in my life drains it or fills it.
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Sunday, August 24th, 2003

Time:10:09 pm.
So. Nicky moved out a few days ago.

Technically, we're still together. Doesn't feel like it though.

He's had his own place for, like seven months or so, but has opted to live here instead.

Before Wednesday he had spent less than ten minutes in his place. Now, since he moved, we've spent less than three hours together in five days.

All in all, pretty depressing. And pretty beginning-of-the-end-y-sounding.

As often as not, I wanted more time and space to myself. And from time to time I would fantasize about breaking up with Nick. But now that it may be happening, I feel like, I dunno, some big mistake is being made, and I can't stop it from happening.

What we have is very, very special.

I don't think I'm ready for it to be past-tense.
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Friday, August 1st, 2003

Time:2:24 pm.
Mood:mediumish.
Music:The Pleasure Club (god, I love James Hall).
Well, shit. My journal writing has been very, very sparse lately. Well, always, really, but my other online journal got a little more attention than this one.

The summer is flying by. But if the past few weeks are any indication, my history will reveal it was an important one.

Nick and I are still together, and things are pretty much better than ever.

I am finally exploring my neglected-for-the-past-year artisicky creative aspects.

So things are good. And will get better.

Later.
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Monday, May 5th, 2003

Subject:Rosie's back, and Ryan's moving
Time:4:49 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Geez. I don't write in here enough.

It's my day off. I cleaned house a little this morning. Then Nicky and I had Teapot food he brought home. Yummy vegan Chinese chewing goodness.

Tomorrow Nicky and I are gonna help my brother Ryan move to a new--and infinitely better, I think--apartment. He's been living in such a dive these last three or so years. He's upgrading to a one-bedroom, and in a much better building. And downgrading in the amount of rent he'll be paying, so that's good. Of course, in typical Ryan fashion, he's already signed up for cable TV and cable internet, so he can quickly spend all the money he's saving.

sigh.

Rosie, my best friend came back this weekend! Yay! She'd been in France for three months, then eastern Washington for another four, and now here she is!

She's maybe gonna help[ Nicky and me help Ryan move. The annoying things about the situation are: Rosie is couch surfing, so her she's not really reachable by phone, therefore counting on her help is pretty iffy, since she volunteered to help two nights ago while we were out drinking; and #2, Ryan is gonna have to wait for the cable guy from ten AM to noon at the new place, which were exactly the hours during which I wanted to help him move. Mind you, he has no car, and is relying on me and Nicky for the transport of his stuff. (He has no furniture, the place he's leaving was furnished--shabbily, but it was more than he had for himself.)

Anyway, now it seems this moving thing will be stretched out all the shuhfuckedness over my second day off, cuz he couldn't wait one more effing day to have his cable (which he hasn't had for over four years, anyway) hooked up at his new place. Nope. Has to be done on moving day. And who cares who it inconveniences.

My brother is the most instant gratificationy person ever to wear skin.

So, tomorrow may suck, at least in part. And I have a dumbass employee meeting at 6:30, which adds to the "have-to-do's" I have to do on my day off. Ugh.

All I can say is Ryan better have all his stuff ready, and nobody better say anything dumb at the work meeting. Otherwise my not-day-off will be even more bleah.

Enough whining. I'm gonna go snuggle the napping Nicky now.
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Saturday, April 19th, 2003

Time:10:48 am.
Mood: chipper.
I'm just about ready to go to work for the day. Nicky's in the shower, preparing to do the same. Saturday's tend to be days we both would like to leave out of our work schedule, as they can be very trying, at times, what with all the tourist-y customers coming up and wanting their silly starbucks-y drinks. I try to keep a good attitude though--especially lately--and have been more at peace with the whole thing. "Stranger Danger" we call it, this weekend coffee consumer phenomenon. It happens during weekdays, as well, just not as much.

Then tonight's the Marnie goodbye, so long, farewell to New Mexico party. I just realized this morning that I might either get sad about this tonight, or feel somehow obliged to get sad. Weird it hadn't really hit me till then. I guess I just hadn't thought of it that way. I mean, if Marnie's life is made better by moving away, that's not so sad.

Kay, time to go finish getting ready.

Smell you later, journal.
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Time:1:11 am.
Mood: distressed.
Today I hung out with my friend Marnie who is moving to New Mexico very soon. We had dinner at the Blue Bistro and then saw the movie "A Mighty Wind." Dinner was good, the drinks were good, the movie was mediocre. Not Christopher Guest's best, at all.

Tomorrow night there's gonna be a goodbye party for Marnie at Max's house, which is a measly two blocks away from me. Nicky and I will be going.

Nicky just called and said the show they just played went badly. The worst ever, he said. so now he will probably be in a bad mood for the next twenty-four hours. Well, not a terribly bad mood, just marginally glum. But in a functional way. Sometimes I wish he'd just be all bummed at once, and get it over with in a more intense manner, but he tends to stretch it out and be a thinned out kind of morose for a few days if something is bugging him. Me, I get into a mood, and get out as soon as possible. I'm like east coast weather, he's west coast weather. But we seem to work out okay together.

I feel fat today. Like allova sudden, I'm blimpy. I think something's going on with my weight, and I wanna know what. I've always been pretty scrawny, even when I thought I seemed fat. I was little, but felt soft or something. Now I feel like I am a fat guy. I know I tend toward the body dysmorphic side of things, and have actually been an eating disordered person before, in my twenties. But now I'm, what thirty-five, and almost wish I could be anorexic again. Almost. But I was miserable in ways I can barely stand to recall back then, so even though I was skinny, I wasn't happy.

And I was way TOO skinny, obviously. I was a whopping 96 pounds of five-foot-eightness for about a year. Strangers stopped me and asked why I was so bleeding thin.

Now they just try to make way for me and my girthy self.

Not really. I'm not THAT huge. I dunno, I weigh about one-fifty, probably. It seems like so much weight on me right now, though.

And it doesn't help that Nicky is five-nine, and weighs one-sixteen. He defines the lighter side of svelte.

But he eats mass. He eats as much--more, really--as I do. But I'm a tub, and he's a super model.

Or a rock star.

Whatever.

Sigh.

Maybe I need a fat boyfriend.

Or a healthy sense of self that doesn't depend upon such trivialities as weight and body image.

Yeah, right.
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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003

Time:6:23 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
I just finished hanging out with Nicky and my brother Ryan. We played vids and ate yummy vegan food from Araya's in the U. district. Usually we do this on Wednesdays, after the new comics come out. Although we don't usually have Ararya's. It's kinda far away, but we felt like it today.

Then after Ryan left, Nicky and I had sex that was even yummier than Araya's.

All in all, I feel sated.

Now I'm gonna go pick up the new gameboy advanced platinum sp thingy I pre-ordered for NIcky. It just came in, and since he has a show tomorrow night, the timing is excellent. It's a bit of a road trip, and there's always waiting around to be done during the whole "show" process, and he'll love having a new lil video game mini-console to play.

Food, sex and a new gameboy.

Nicky will be sated, too.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, April 14th, 2003

Subject:Delusions of Domestic Autonomy, by Duncan
Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
The past week flew by. I think I enjoyed some of it, just rode out some of it, and attempted to ignore the rest.

Bowled for Junie's b-day Saturday night. Had a cool dream early sunday morning about moving away, finding more fulfilling work, and seeing real a live griffen.

Today I worked, played a lil Sims with Nick, then went and picked up a couch from Paulo for Nick-o's new apartment that he is never at. He's always, always here. He has spent less than ten minutes at his new place, which he rented three months ago. Weird, I know, but it makes us feel better--well, me anyways--about the whole "living together" thing. I mean, we're not, really, if he has his own seperate address, right?

I know that makes no sense, and that I am trying to justufy a fairly delusional arguement, but oh, well. I get to be dumb sometimes. And it is dumb, really, his wasting money on a seperate apartment, when I could really use help paying the rent on this place, and the various bills involved with mainaining a residence. But I also love my independence. He doesn't even have keys to the place, and we've been together for ten months. And he spends a LOT of time here.

Speaking of which.

Nicky's knocking--gotta go.
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Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

Subject:Hungry, yet somehow, lazy
Time:3:34 pm.
Mood: mischievous.
Music:embrace.
Okay. So for the most part, I've figured out how to "modify" the look of my journal. I did need to make an initial entry.

I did not, however go downtown. Instead, Nicky and I have been playing vids on the x-box, and I went out and got snacks and lunch stuff at the Mad Market.

I hate how fast my days off go. I'm at the end of two in a row--tomorrow it's back to work--and I feel like I had hardly any time at all. I know this is a familiar lament for the working stiffs of the world, but I'm entitled to be typical if I wanna be.

Nicky's s'posed to be doing dishes and getting lunch ready, but I hear no such sounds. Maybe he's rebelling and waiting for me to do all the work.

It'd serve me right. I was being a lazy-ass. Oh, I hear music coming from upstairs--he must be getting ready to get to work. He likes to listen to music when he does chores. Hee. Let's see if I can weather the guilt of the lazy-ass long enough for all the work to be done.

I want to help. I do. I'll just goof around on line for a little longer.

Sorry, Nick-o.
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Time:10:00 am.
Mood: frustrated.
New journal.

I' m Duncan.

I need to get out of this studio and head downtown to run some errands. I'm having some troubles, however, modifying the look of this Blurty journal. None of my changes stick. Maybe it's for the simple reason that I haven't made any entries yet. But that seems too simple.

What is the name of that theory that states the simplest and most obvious explanation is probably the correct one? Hokum's razor or somming? Hmmm. I'm not sure the entry thing is the simplest explanation.

Computer's are evil.

That's the simplest one.
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Blurty for launchingduncan.

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