launchingduncan's Blurty

Time:

10:02 am.

I wonder what the best things for me to do are. In fact, I wonder this all the time. "What woudl be the best thing for me to eat?" "Where would the best place for me to go be?" "Who would be the best person for me to hang out with?" I think I sort of weaken my natural impulses and more action-oriented self by trying to suss out what would be optimal rather than just doing something that occurs to me in the moment.

It's kind of like my happiness is some very fragile thing and if I don't handle it very carefullly it will fall down off the mental shelf and crash and break into a million pieces. Which is silly. The other day I was talking to some customers at work trying to remember the saying that goes something like "Happiness is not a destination, rather it is a journey." But that isn't quite it. The jist of it, though, is there. Happiness is not something to achieve, but something to have while achieving. Basic happiness, not to say moments or even days of sadness or anger are bad, but an underlying basic happiness, would be really good to have. Obviously.

Or is it so obvious. Some people believe in the suffering. Or the pursuit of happiness. Which implies it is something to chase, rather than an inherent state.

I so often feel like I don't know the answer to questions I pose for myself, but maybe I do, somewhere inside me. And I really feel like I'd benefit from not looking for happiness, but feeling it right where I am. Like now. Maybe it's in a spirit of gratitude, or in a deep trust in the nature of life, or just plain existing.

I do like where I am in this moment. I like this room, I like my computer, I like the image of Gael Garcia Bernal on my computer wallpaper, I like typing, I like thinking about this stuff. I have a lot to be happy about, right in this moment. Maybe it's taken me this long in my life to clear out some of the yuck in my psyche to get to a point where I can actually feel the good stuff.

I know I have a ways to go, but I feel good about where I am in the journey.

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Time:

12:00 am.

Oh, hi, it's me again.

It's been a while.

Today was just awful, horrible. The only remotely good thing I could say about this day is that it is over and could never happen again.

Well, I guess I could also say that I learned some important lessons, but I think I may always be a person who, rather than blithely accepting the idea of growth through duress, will simply curse all the more furiously that he wasn't born perfect.

I hate the struggles.

Today I went to what may have been the all-time last Aveo show, the first Aveo show I've been to in half a year, and not only did Jeff not look for me after the show, he walked right past me as though I were invisible.

One of the coolest parts of the movie "The Opposite of Sex" is when Lyle Lovett is telling Lisa Kudrow about the magic of love as he sees it. You know it's love, he proposes, when you walk into a room and the person for you seems to glow, as if they are being lit up by biological highlighter. In other words, they really stand out. You couldn't miss them.

I guess my biological highlighter wore off.

But BostonBeth's is so bright he can see it all the way from Seattle. And so he's moving there in three weeks. Bye, Vivace. Bye, Aveo. Bye, Don.

I guess the fact that he didn't even look for me, even though he knew I was going to the show, and even though I was standing with William and Mike afterwards, makes it somehow easier for me to deal with his moving away.

Because I guess where I'm concerned, he's already gone.

He just forgot to say goodbye.

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Time:

11:28 pm.

So. I guess I'm finallly getting it through my fairly dumb-ass thick skull and heart that Jeff, in spite of our year-and-a-half of coupledom, is straight, after all, and all is lost between us. In some ways, I know I knew this before now, but I hadn't really accepted it. He is done with me, I know, no matter how many letters and e-mails he sends saying he loves me and "thinks of you all the time". "You" meaning me, of course.

He loves--LOVES--people with pussies. Period. He uses people like me to deal with the problems he has with being alone.

I am--WAS--I mean, company to him, a distraction from whatever demons drive him away from dealing with himself.

No more. From now on, he'll have to rely soley upon himself and his pussy-bearing friends for happiness and companionship. I have nothing to offer people who find love (in the form of folks like me) and then let their biases and prejudices--meaning sexual preferences( I'll admit to thinking they are a culturally contrived pieces of bullshit, these things we call "sexual preferences)-- turn them away, and let themselves be ruled by them as though their crotch wears a crown and they are its humble servant.

Goodbye, all you straight guys.

Goodbye, Jason, Tim, Jody, Lukan, Steven.

And, now, at last, Jeff. Welcome to the ranks of people who don't love me because I lack a slot between my legs.

And welcome to the ranks of people I just plain don't love.

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Time:

10:09 pm.

I just got done watching the second episode of the first (and only) season of the television show firefly. The special effects are wonderful, the acting is great, and the plot, interesting, as is the writing. It sure is unfortunate that the show didn't last. It would be nice to have a different joss whedon TV show to look forward to each week. Now that Buffy is over, I mean, and being that I don't watch Angel.

Last night Nicky and I each got off work a little bit early so we could go to dinner and see return of the King again. We had dinner at Bamboo Garden and it was delicious. It was nice because there were a lot of people waiting to be seated, several reservations were in front of us, and yet they sat us right away. They love Nicky there, and therefore by way of connection, they love me to, I guess. Anyhow we got to sit right away, and therefore eat the yummy dinner way before what should have been our time. We were very grateful.

We ended up not being able to see the movie, or rather I should say choosing not to see the movie. We got there -- to the theater -- an hour before the movie started and already there was a lien and almost a block long. We decided we didn't really feel the need to wait in line for an hour outside in the cold and then have to jockey for good seats. It was probably busy because Valentine's Day is a popular date night. Instead we chose to go back to my house and play video games and have a few drinks.

As it turned out, we ended up talking extensively -- again -- about our situation. We discussed the romantic feelings, and general love feelings we have for one another. We also discussed our individual current inability is to express and explore those feelings for one another, which exist seemingly quite separately from the day-to-day reality of our interactions together. I mean, both the feelings and the inabilities. We want to spend all our time together, or as much as possible, and yet we got to able to be boyfriends. We each have our reasons. Nicky's are more obscure, I think he doesn't really know exactly what they are, but I think he's beginning to have his ideas. Me, I know what mine are, pretty much. Until I get pretty comfortable with -- and learn to live anxiety free with -- intimacy and learning to balance my own needs with those of others, I don't think I should really be involved to romantically with anyone. It's not fair to them.

I'm not entirely sure if we covered it any new ground last night, but I do know that it's good to touch base with him now it again -- and I told him this -- just to make sure he doesn't think that we are sliding into some sort of "Buddy" relationship with one another. Because I don't feel that way towards him. After last night's conversation I know that he doesn't feel that way either, and he certainly knows that I don't. I don't really think we are any closer to a resolution in the situation or any kind of epiphany or revelation, but I guess just constantly keeping in touch with what we are both experiencing and dealing with in our lives -- and especially in terms of one another -- is enough for now. Maybe the rest will come later. I guess part of what gives me anxiety is the fear that we won't ever have those revelations or breakthroughs that I hope for that will lead to some kind of a reconciliation or renewal of love for us.

I guess I've known all along that too much need in this regard is not a good thing, and that the sooner I realize that letting go of him and the ideas I have about the necessity of love -- at least romantic love -- in my life, the healthier I'll be, and, oddly enough, the closer I'll probably be to achieving successful and fulfilling intimacy and love with another person.

But, sometimes I suck and being patient.

Slowly, though, I think I'm learning..

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Time:

11:11 am.

Well, now it's Saturday. I think my last entry was just before I was headed up to Nikkei 's cabin near Stevens Pass. All in all, I had a good enough time there. The first and third days were fun and filled with cabiny magic and goodness, but the middle day was bittersweet for me. Waking up the first full day at the cabin and not being with Nikkei (as we slept in separate rooms) was sad and that seemed to somehow underlie most of the goings-on for the rest of the day. And then that night it seemed sadder somehow than the night before to go to bed alone.

I just need to learn to move onto this new way of being. It's awkward, and uncomfortable, and ultimately maybe not entirely satisfying, but it is all we have. And unless I'm willing and able to make a clean break from him -- meaning he will no longer be in my life -- I need to accept things as they are and make the best of them.

Tonight we're going to go to the Lord of the ring 's return of the King movie for the second time. He's really excited to go, and I just got an e-mail from him that was just brimming with enthusiasm. He wants to go to dinner at mamas or maybe bamboo garden. We're both getting off work an hour early so we can get a head start on tonight's activities. Maybe it makes it all the more weird knowing that today is Valentine's Day and that while we will be spending Valentine's Day evening together it will not be the way it has been. When I think back to last Valentine's Day and the romantic evening we had going out to dinner and drinks and coming home and just being together and loving one another, I can't help but wonder if tonight will be disappointing, to say the least.

But, that's just from my perspective he may not be feeling weird about it at all, and in fact may not have felt the same degree of love last year at Valentine's Day that I felt at all. Not being a very gifted mind reader, I can't say.

Anyway, I'm just going to focus on having fun tonight.

I just wish that having fun didn't require so much damned work.

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Time:

9:07 am.

Well, I'm not sure I ever thought I would say this but, today Nikkei and I are going up to his cabin in the woods. It's about three hours away near Stevens Pass. Some of the best times of my life have been had while staying at the cabin with Nikkei, and during the painful time that I was trying to get over him, thoughts of the cabin and how much I would miss it haunted me.

Now, here we are just a few months later headed back up there. I don't think either of us are sure where our relationship stands right now. The sleeping arrangements at the cabin have been a topic of awkward discussion. There are three bedrooms and several couches to sleep on, and I guess we'll probably sleep in separate rooms. Certainly I think we should sleep in separate beds. I'm not saying that this will be the way it is from now on. There may be a time when we are back together again. We definitely hint at its every time we are together and we openly discuss it at least once a week, or so it seems. But, I guess I'm not in a hurry right now. I don't need to know where things are going, I just want to enjoy them where they are.

And Nikkei's breakup with Hannah is still so recent. I don't think I want to have our "reunion" fall so closely on the heels of their relationship's demise. I don't have want him to cloud our time together -- especially if it's a romantic time -- with thoughts of being sad over the loss of his friendship with Hannah. Not that their friendship is completely over, or at least I don't think it is. Just the romance part of it. It's funny, everyone else saw that coming. Hannah has been a tried-and-true lesbian for such a long time. Well, maybe it's not entirely true, she's maintained a bisexual status at least in conversation and in her mind for as long as I've known her. But Jeff was the first guy she'd been with that I am aware of.

Anyway. I hope we have a good time. We're going to play video games and make yummy food and play board games and watch movies and boiled boy it's gotta be fun. Well I just read that last sentence that I certainly didn't mean to say boiled boy, but it is a cut of the funny expression. What I meant to say was boy oh boy. Also the season opener of crank yankers is tomorrow night and will watch that while we're at his cabin to plus it's going to be a magnificent winter wonderland up there. So, there will definitely be some snow playing as well. And hot toddies and fires.

So while there will be that much romance going on between Nikkei and I, at least not overtly, I will be having a wonderfully renewed romance with the cabin and with the beautiful winter woods it is nestled into.

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Time:

1:45 am.

Well, I guess I don't have a lot of time to write an extensive entry into my journal tonight. But I do just wanna check-in and say that things have been going pretty well lately. I've been heating out with nicky quite a bit, and really enjoying it. I feel so much less torn about the nature of our relationship and just generally more inclined to accept things as they are, however they are. Friendship with him is quite enjoyable and even though we know that our feelings run deeper than that, for some reason right now that seems like enough.

Tonight he came over, sort of on the spur of the moment, considering we hadn't made any plans for the night. We ended up going to Arayas for Thai takeout, which we brought home and eight while we watched strangers with candy on DVD. Then we had a really nice time playing scategories. Sometimes my brain feels too numb to play that game but I do my best.

I guess it's going to be kind of an awful lot of time Nikki and I will be spending together in the next few days. He's coming over tomorrow night again, and were going to play more videogames. Then on Monday were going to his cabin in the mountains for a couple of days. This will be the first time we'll have gone to his cabin since we broke up. It might be a little bit weird, but I think mostly it will be good. I love that place so much. I think about it very often and miss it terribly. It really is my favorite place on the planet. We'll probably sleep in separate bedrooms, which will be fine. I think, ultimately, friendship -- or at least an approximation of that -- is best for us right now. I mean by "approximation", not something less than friendship but something more than friendship but which doesn't involve any kind of romantic contact.

I think in some ways it's good that we are spending so much time together right now. Nicky is going to be going on tour with his band beginning around the first of March and they'll be gone until summer starts. They're going all over the USA and then to Europe. So I guess we need to cram in as much time together as we can this month because that'll be it for a good long while. And I know I'm going to miss him, but I think a break will do as good. It will be helpful to sort of step back and reassess the situation when we are on our own.

I just hope that our time apart doesn't give us any reason to grow apart.

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Time:

10:36 pm.

So, another couple of days off bite the dust. For the most part, I spent them with Nicky. On Monday, we got together around 4 p.m. and played videogames, made snacks and drinks, and then later on made some yummy food for dinner. Throughout we played more videogames and listened to music. We talked some -- nothing very earth shattering -- mostly we just goofed around..

I guess we were up pretty late. Then today, on my second day off I got up and read for a couple of hours -- comics and books (the face of Apollo by Fred Saberhagen) -- and then I went downtown and basically did the same thing at Uptown espresso. While I was there Nicky called me and then met up with me there. We then did some shopping. I've been looking for a new plates, and he helped me eliminate some around town that I'd been considering, and maybe narrow down the choices a little bit. Then we went back to my place and had some lunch and played some videogames. Then we went to this month's employee meeting, which happens on the first Tuesday of every month.

This was the first employee meeting that I didn't dread or writhe through in months. I guess it helps that Nicky and Hannah are no longer together, and that Hannah wasn't there at all.

Well, I need to go to bed now. Nicky's gone home, although in away it's almost as though he didn't, as I've set up a picture he sent me through his Sprint photo share program via his cell phone, as my desktop background. The picture is, of course, of Nicky. It's pretty cute.

Goodnight, Nicky.

Goodnight, turtle. I mean, Journal.

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Time:

11:10 pm.

The so called end of another workweek is upon me. Sunday night it's called , and I am glad it is here, if only because it means the end of a somewhat trying work Day. I worked with Linda today and actually she was pretty nice and fun to be with with and amusing, too fat to sell the customers for it. Well, I guess it wasn't that bad only one customer was a pain in the rump. I guess, all in all she wasn't that bad. It just seems that she wanted to have a so a lot today, tall-style, without any fall. It also seasons, that her illustrious barista (knee) was somewhat incapable of remembering via "filmless" portion of the order. So, when I presented her with her tall soy latte say it had fall bonnet and was actually quite lovely. She however it looked at it as though it had come from another planet -- actually I can't say that. In reality, they don't think she noticed that it wasn't foamless until I pointed out to earth. Saying something like "whoops, I forgot about the foamless part."

Wells she looked all kinds of horrified and what I said all our foam is delicious it's wonderful you'll love it", she, after trying per my suggestion, beta horrified to sort of "I'm about to vomit" noise and the same kind of sentiment informed her entire visage. Now, ordinarily I am quite capable of overlooking the most hideous of transgressions and weirdnesses visited upon me by my customers, but for some reason the whole I'm so disgusted I have to make puke face if they really sets me off. So, I guess I wasn't very nice to her. I took the cup away and said something to the effect of "is there really any need to be so dramatic? Look, we'll just take this horrible lot say I've made for you, and throw it in the trash which is probably where it belongs its so awful.. Of course, I guess I probably have a slight smirk on my face and maybe didn't look quite as hateful and filled with buyer as I felt, but I think she was somewhat offended by my having taken offense at her gross out face. In the end I made her lot say the way she wanted it and then afterwards I felt badly for having made her feel like it was a bigger deal that was, and so as a sort of peace offering I sent but dull that to her daughter via a fellow customer of yours who was also, I believe, her friend. So, maybe all swell that ends well. Or, maybe all swell that ends in the her telling my boss that I was a complete Fokker to her, which ends in my being fired.

Well, OK, that's unlikely. Unlikely statement number one: "telling my boss"; it's more than likely that my daughter bribed to her adorable kid was sufficient to keep her lips sealed. And number two : it's beyond highly unlikely its stratospherically unlikely that I should be terminated for such a mild offense. I guess there's a bit leased something that have a worked at the same place for nearly 10 years can afford you. I wouldn't exactly say I have "job security", but I would say that I don't have to feel too terribly insecure about a position there. Health insurance, I don't have. The privilege of being a wise-ass to the occasional obnoxious, persnickety customer, well, that I do have.

Anyway. Here I am, at the end of my workweek is (as I started out saying), and at the beginning of my so-called weekend. I don't know for sure well do this weekend. I know I'm going to hang out to a little with Nikkei tomorrow night. Or rather, tomorrow afternoon, which will more than likely spread out into tomorrow night. I guess in some ways I am a little bit regretful for having made plans with Nikkei. I don't know where we stand right now. Or rather, I guess I do know where we stand right now, and I don't much like it. There are lots of people I could be "just friends" with, and I'm not sure that I would put someone who rejected me romantically and the trade my trust on several occasions, at the top of that list.

Anyway (again). I still plan to make the most of my days off. Tomorrow morning I'll get up early, make a fire, read my new book, "the face of Apollo", by a man named Fred Sabre Hagan (which is not at all the where you spell his last name, but is, rather, the delightful way this dictation program interprets his last name which I think is cute enough to leave in"), then perhaps I'll head downtown. Maybe all sit at Uptown espresso, do some reading, some sketching and some coffee drinking. I also need to remember at some point to the buy tickets for the Starsailor show which is this coming Wednesday night. I'm going to go with -- you guessed it -- Nikkei. We have a long history with a band, and the song "good souls" off their first tall poem "love is here" was, in away, our song.

Then I'll hang out with nickey tomorrow night and I don't know what I'll do on Tuesday but I plan on doing fun stuff.

I like fun stuff.

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Time:

7:48 pm.

We will today was weird. I went to work as usual, and then after that went with Adam and bought comic books, then I went to Office Depot, got a new microphone for my new software, and then got a message from alphonse my second to oldest brother who wanted me to go back to the comic book store and pick up a couple of comics for him so I did that by myself. Adam had some shopping to do on his own. Then after that I went home and a lunch than I had to go get some new litter pan liners for the Box, for which I had carried home a 14 pound bag of sweet scoop cat litter from the pet supply store.

So, I was feeling hungry and tired after I made some lunch and wanted to take a nap but couldn't because I had to go out and buy the aforementioned cat box liners, then after that feeling of all "having to" do something all day long, I guess I sort of went into a downward spiral. This feeling was exacerbated by running into nicky at the Madison Market. He seemed extra awkward, and any feelings of rekindled romance I've been entertaining the past few days were pretty much squelched. The kind of seemed like he couldn't get away soon enough and offered no warm hug at our parting.

I don't know why I kid myself into thinking that things could ever be the way they were. Nor do a really want them to be that way. I guess there's just something comfortable seeming and familiar-ish about it. But, I think itj more than that, I think I have perhaps a profound desire or -- God only knows why -- to be loved by nicky. Maybe I shouldn't be so flip. I think there are a lot of good reasons to want to be loved by nicky and to want to love him, as well. But maybe just now there are more good reasons to learn how to not want to be loved by nicky, and to learn how to love them, but probably from a distance.

If that makes any sense.

So now I'm going to make myself some dinner and watch either " 13" select "Dinotopia" or Dino Tobia, two DVDs that I rented this evening. It's kind of funny how most nights, I would be perfectly happy with this evening as plants for entertainment and a good dinner while on a watch the DVDs. But considering now how I feel about my run-in with nicky and my doubts about our future relationship (?), as well as this vague sense that I have somehow let myself down by even concerning myself with said relationship, the night somehow feels lacking in joy-potential.

I had this strange dream last night, that my friend Katie died of some debilitating illness. For some reason we were all too sad to face the whole process of planning and executing a funeral, let alone putting her in the ground. So instead, we just left her in her bed. Low and behold, two days later she came to. We realized that she in fact hadn't been dead at all, rather her life signs had dipped so low as to be beyond detection. Concurrent with the Katie's death, my boyfriend (whoever that was -- in my dream it wasn't entirely clear) had died as well. I think at one point it was TJ who had died, and then after Katie was miraculously resurrected it became nicky who had died. After Katie's resurrection, I began to fear that we had been hasty in burying nicky, and that he too, in fact, may have simply had superlow life signs. Maybe, I feared, we buried him alive, and not only did we have to suffer with the loss of someone we loved, but we also caused horrible suffering to that person as well.

I'm not really sure what it all means. Possibly something to do with the falling out Katie and I had a couple years ago and my reluctance to complete the writer off. Maybe in some ways nicky and I have had a falling out and I am somehow in danger of completely writing them off, and this dream was to serve as some sort of a warning for me to not do so. Or perhaps, it was not meant to be taken quite so literally. Maybe Katie represents the feminine in some way for me, and TJ or nicky (whomever my boyfriend was supposed to be in the dream) represents the mail in some way. Maybe I have in some detrimental way written off the mail aspect of my being and while I have perhaps done some damage to the feminine aspect I have not killed off entirely. Geez, way to work towards being gender free. And not in a good way.

I tried to think in terms of this dream a little bit tonight but I was so disappointed about nicky's behavior towards me. I feel sometimes that I am in danger of writing him off completely. And I don't want to do so, at least I don't think I do.

Aw, crap. I know that this is just a brief spell of confusion in an otherwise pretty great time of unusual clarity for me. So, I'm going to avoid worrying about it too much, but it's hard to avoid feeling disappointed and confused. But I'll come around.

I always do.

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Time:

7:17 pm.

OK. So I just wrote an entry that was, for the most part, dictated with my new Dragon software. As you can see it resulted in some pretty strange sentences. I guess I could've corrected them, but I decided they were -- the mistakes that mean -- pretty funny, all in all, and why not just leave them in what is it that it calls bowls shipped bowl of she? Or something like that

Oh look, there it goes again, in capable of recognizing the word bullshit. OK, so I just trained it to do so. Let's give it a world know no a world know a quarrel no whirl. OK bullshit yes. Bullshit bullshit bowls shipped bullshit. Oh. There we go.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I am a sort of crappy typist and am going to try to learn how to use this dictation program in order to do more writing. I guess for a first time out, that wasn't the worst showing ever, although my hopes were perhaps a tad higher.

Hmmm. It seems to be working better now. I guess I need to focus more on my enunciation. Perhaps enunciation is the key, along with training.

Let's try something now.

I don't know what it is to love someone. I think I understand fondness and certain aspects of physical attraction, but when it comments to love, and all the elements that comprise it, I feel pretty much in the dark. Maybe in some ways, Nikki bore the brunt of my cluelessness, and for that maybe I owe him an apology, and I certainly owe him -- I think -- forgiveness for what he felt he had to do. And if "what he had to do" involved breaking my heart, well, gee, how could I blame him when my heart really didn't even know how to love.

Hmmm. Well, I seem to, in some small ways, be catching on, in terms of my Dragon dictation skills.

Now, if only I could catch on in terms of my cluelessness where love is concerned.

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Time:

6:50 pm.

I think things are going pretty well right now. And I know I should be grateful for everything in my life that is better than OK. And I know that there are many things that are really great. I would like very much to be a person who looks on the bright side of things and who has a lot to give.

I don't know why am being philosophical about myself and today may be in some ways, I feel like I have made a bit of a breakthrough with the Nicky, who may or may not have feelings for me that extend beyond the boundaries of friendship. We've been hanging out a lot together lately, and he's been looking at me in that certain way that says, "I really like you and then some."

But too, I realize that he is a complex person who wants many things from his life, some of which may involve me, and some of which may not involve me, and I think he keeps me separate from much of his life and maybe that means I'm not really a very big part of it. If that is the case, then so be it. It would be critical of me to say that, or require that he me an open book because I certainly am not an I don't think I want to be. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how they manage to feel safe in that kind of openness, but that's OK for them.

I fantasize sometimes about having a conversation with the Nicky where I ask him exactly what it is he wants from me and I try to figure out what it is he's after, but I feel like that's not very fair is it because I don't know what I want from him and I don't know what I'm after. I think it's funny, it used to be enough just to hang out together. And now, I want definition and I want security I want to know what's what.

Just a little bit ago, I talked to Nicky on the phone, and was delighted to know upon greeting him that he had been thinking about me. When I'm struck by D'Lites in this way from someone who means as much to me as he does. I often and a feeling guilty and silly because why after all, should he is the Fox of me be so bowl at the relevant? I mean, it's nice to be thought of its great to be loved (I suppose) but what real practical application does that have in my life. I guess more than that, what I mean is, people say all kinds of things. How do we know that what they mean means to them the same thing that it would mean to us?

I don't know. I do know that lately, the Mickey has been giving mean a lot more attention calling me fairly often. And trying to make plans with me. Last Friday night, we hung out at my brother Alfonzo's house. And played boulders gate, and eight yummy meal I made for the two of us. Called "hot Somali casserole." I also made you me peanut better and chocolate chip cornflake chews. He really likes my cooking and appreciates that I'm able to make such a yummy meals out of vegan ingredients. And I have to admit, the food was delicious. They especially the cornflake chews.

Then on Sunday night, he called me right before I was done with work, and asked if he could come over and choose a new video game to play. From my vast video game Library. It ended up the reuse had dinner together at my house and watch The Simpsons and just kind of hung out for most of the night full well knowing that we were going to be hanging out. The next night as well. I guess, old addictions, diehard. And maybe we are basically addicted to one another.

Then, on Monday night, which was last night. We played older skates, eight yummy teapot delivery food and had bought drinks and played the Starsky and Hutch video game. We ended up feeling quite frustrated with the Starsky and Hutch video game -- not because it wasn't fun -- but because we couldn't get past season one in our ratings we weren't good enough at the game to not get canceled. He he.

This coming Friday night. We are going to go see the matrix revolutions film, which is playing at the IMAX theater. I haven't seen this movie yet, but have been looking forward to it ever since them the key to hold me that he enjoyed it as much as. If not more than the second one of course, nothing can beat the matrix. The true original only real version of the story.

I guess if I have any fears about the situation with him. They involve a sort of paranoia of the nebulousness of it all. It's all just sort of out there and I don't know what any of it means he may very well be completely in love with have to, we don't discuss it. I have no knowledge of their lives together for a part. They may be apart for all I know, they meet the very much together. I don't know. All of this may be completely moved to because he may be experiencing the love of his lifetime. And just not be telling me about it. The may be so blissfully in love that he can't believe it and he may be oh so glad that he is able to be involved in the ongoing evolution of a romance turned relationship, such as we are sharing. Right now, in what I am supposing is his view of the situation.

But, I have to think about things clearly, for all of the bowl she be self-help sort of ways that Mike's ex-girlfriend Shannon hat of dealing with ham and the world at large. One thing that wasn't bowl, she be, wasn't her phrase or notion that you cannot mind read another person. I have to accept the fact that by a don't know what really goes on in Mickey's mind. And if I'm being honest, I would have to say, the events that led up to our breakup and our breakup and what followed it would clearly indicate that I am a very very poor telepath indeed. I didn't know what was going on, then and I don't know what's going on now.

I guess the differences. Now I don't so much care. On OK with things Nicky doesn't want to hang out and for the most part of OK with hanging out.

Blah, blah, blah.

In my newfound journal writing capacity. I have become standard and banal in quite a surprising fashion. I mean I'm the person who watches myself. Tie my shoes brush my teeth and urinate. Yet even this journal entry surprises may with its lack of surprising this and sheer duh-ness.

Why do all the old and obvious lessons. They each and every one of us wonder that time and a startling and seemingly original fashion, when in reality. It's all just the same old shit.

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Blurty for launchingduncan.

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