Blurty for Noelley Bo Belly.

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Saturday, October 9th, 2004

Subject:So this is college...
Time:11:37 pm.
Tonight was really depressing. I don't know what is with me here. I tihnk too much. No one has time to talk to me. I called Donny and he wsa "busy", perhaps fucking around. Who knows. i wonder what it would feel like to find that out...oh probably similar to the time when I found out Dave was fucking around. I think I would feel even more hurt by Donny doing that just because he makes such strong accusations towards me doing it. It is so sad to be in this little room by myself with all these people in this big city. I miss my friends, they seem different than the people here. I hate being dependent on Anya for something to do. I'm just sick of being away from people who love me. I miss my family, I miss my old life.
I think that Erik totally burned me tonight. I wish I was better at brushing things off like this. I should have never ever called him. I hate that I always know the right thing to do but don't do it. This applies to so many parts of my life, how horrible is it that I know what is best for me but I don't do it for some reason? Why don't I want the best for me? Why don't I have self-control?
I am staying in tonight. I've never had so many ups and downs as this new life. I miss my old banal one.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, August 27th, 2004

Subject:Why do I get myself into things like this...
Time:5:58 pm.
I am so frusterated with Donny. I should be frusterated at myself, and disappointed in myself. I've allowed myself to be really dependent on this kid. It's beginning to become clear to me that he doesnt like me as much as I like him...and along with that comes not calling me as often as I'd like, not complementing me as much as I'd like...and for that I get angry with him.
I just need to get off this computer without working through the rest of my thoughts and just get the heck out of here.
Too bad he's the only person I want to be with.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 16th, 2004

Subject:There goes the neighborhood...
Time:6:39 pm.
Wednesday night I went to Eddie's for a party. I got pretty trashed and ended up hooking up with Sam and then this guy from Tigard, Andrew Knudsen later in the night. Andrew is so good looking and for some reason I have been thinking about him a lot since. I think the reason for that is that, of the three Tigard guys at the party, Andrew was the one who showed the least interest in me, so of course he was the one I was most interested in.
Oh boy, at least I have a dull weekend planned, tonight is a girls night, which will be just fine, but not dramatic, and then Saturday nothing really. It's sort of a lull before Monday night's huge party at Steffy's house...which I am SO excited for...the Tigard boys are coming <3 I really want to hook up with Andrew again there...
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Friday, July 9th, 2004

Subject:Yikes
Time:7:14 pm.
I've had too many hook-ups this summer. Well, okay, by most people's standards it wouldn't be a very large number, but I feel like I have just been all over the board.
Obviously everyone wants to be non-committal this summer because we are going our seperate ways in the fall...but does that make it okay to not hold back at all? For me to throw away all of my morals?
I am not sure how I feel about hooking up with Dave again. I don't seem to have any emotion attached to it, which is probably what worries me most...I keep thinking that I will wake up one morning and suddenly be in love with Dave again just because we hooked up the other day. I was happy to hang out with him and talk to him, I was happy with how relaxed and normal that the time we spent together was. It seemed like a great way to put our "relationship" (in the sense of the word that refers to any sort of relations between two people, not necessarily romantic) on hold, or end it I guess, perhaps.
That is another thing, I have been getting icreasingly and increasingly sad about everyone leavin in the fall. Underneath it all I am very excited to make new friends and leave, yet I still keep thinking about all the people who will not be with me to share my new experiences. It is very odd to realize the fact that it really is me against the world. My family and close friends will always be able to verbally support me in everything, but sometimes it is the most special thing to have someone you can tell about little occurrences, or who can be with you to burst out in laughter at something ridiculous you see or hear. The hardest thing is that I know, as of recently, what it is like to be without a best friend, without someone who you are very close to. Dave and I were best friends and I allowed myself to be so detached to him that I really lost contact with my other gal friends. When he broke up with me I didn't have anyone really...I had many friends and acquantinances, but in all honesty the one thing I wanted was to tell someone about my day and hear about theirs, in the way that only best friends can have.
I really need to learn to appreciate friendship as a process, because it really is if you think about it. Friendships are always evolving under circumstances. I just crave having that instant closeness with someone, for a selfish reason really, so that I will have the security that a "best friend" provides.
I think the main thing I'm dealing with is leaving a place that is really happy for me. I have always been happy here, with my friends, my surroundings, my circumstances. I'm priveleged, I've cultivated a wonderful environment for myself. I will miss it, I will miss this time in my life, it has been amazing.
On the other hand, I believe that I have outgrown this place. i FEEL ready to move on. But inside, I am starting to be nostalgic for the things that I know won't be present in my new life.
How do thousands of people make this transition every year? I am struggling so much emotionally with it. I didn't cry at graduation because I was so happy to know that summer was coming (and because I was so thrilled with my successes and the awards I received). I was pretty proud of myself for enjoying the moment instead of focusing on how important it was and being emotional. I think because of that I remember it more clearly.
In my graduation speech I talked about how the best years of our lives are yet to come, and that high school wasn't the best that we will ever be. I know this is true, I have an amazing life ahead of me, full of things that I can't even imagine. But in reality high school was the best time of my life SO FAR. I am sad to leave that behind. I am just so full of love for the place that I am in and I know that it will take effort to transition. I don't know what mantra to live by to be tough about moving, about leaving my friends, about being uncomfortable. I wish I did.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Yikes
Time:7:14 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Music:Hawthorne Heights -- Ohio Is For Lovers.
I've had too many hook-ups this summer. Well, okay, by most people's standards it wouldn't be a very large number, but I feel like I have just been all over the board.
Obviously everyone wants to be non-committal this summer because we are going our seperate ways in the fall...but does that make it okay to not hold back at all? For me to throw away all of my morals?
I am not sure how I feel about hooking up with Dave again. I don't seem to have any emotion attached to it, which is probably what worries me most...I keep thinking that I will wake up one morning and suddenly be in love with Dave again just because we hooked up the other day. I was happy to hang out with him and talk to him, I was happy with how relaxed and normal that the time we spent together was. It seemed like a great way to put our "relationship" (in the sense of the word that refers to any sort of relations between two people, not necessarily romantic) on hold, or end it I guess, perhaps.
That is another thing, I have been getting icreasingly and increasingly sad about everyone leavin in the fall. Underneath it all I am very excited to make new friends and leave, yet I still keep thinking about all the people who will not be with me to share my new experiences. It is very odd to realize the fact that it really is me against the world. My family and close friends will always be able to verbally support me in everything, but sometimes it is the most special thing to have someone you can tell about little occurrences, or who can be with you to burst out in laughter at something ridiculous you see or hear. The hardest thing is that I know, as of recently, what it is like to be without a best friend, without someone who you are very close to. Dave and I were best friends and I allowed myself to be so detached to him that I really lost contact with my other gal friends. When he broke up with me I didn't have anyone really...I had many friends and acquantinances, but in all honesty the one thing I wanted was to tell someone about my day and hear about theirs, in the way that only best friends can have.
I really need to learn to appreciate friendship as a process, because it really is if you think about it. Friendships are always evolving under circumstances. I just crave having that instant closeness with someone, for a selfish reason really, so that I will have the security that a "best friend" provides.
I think the main thing I'm dealing with is leaving a place that is really happy for me. I have always been happy here, with my friends, my surroundings, my circumstances. I'm priveleged, I've cultivated a wonderful environment for myself. I will miss it, I will miss this time in my life, it has been amazing.
On the other hand, I believe that I have outgrown this place. i FEEL ready to move on. But inside, I am starting to be nostalgic for the things that I know won't be present in my new life.
How do thousands of people make this transition every year? I am struggling so much emotionally with it. I didn't cry at graduation because I was so happy to know that summer was coming (and because I was so thrilled with my successes and the awards I received). I was pretty proud of myself for enjoying the moment instead of focusing on how important it was and being emotional. I think because of that I remember it more clearly.
In my graduation speech I talked about how the best years of our lives are yet to come, and that high school wasn't the best that we will ever be. I know this is true, I have an amazing life ahead of me, full of things that I can't even imagine. But in reality high school was the best time of my life SO FAR. I am sad to leave that behind. I am just so full of love for the place that I am in and I know that it will take effort to transition. I don't know what mantra to live by to be tough about moving, about leaving my friends, about being uncomfortable. I wish I did.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, July 1st, 2004

Subject:Silly Survey
Time:9:01 pm.
ONE:
-- name: Noelle
-- birth date: 3-2-86
-- hair color: brown right now, almost time for a change
-- height: 5'2"
-- righty or lefty: Right
-- zodiac sign: Pisces

TWO:
-- your heritage: .5 German, .5 Icelandic
-- the shoes you wore today: adidas sandals, running shoes, flip-flops
-- your weakness: food, calling boys when I know I shouldn't
-- your fears: fire
-- your perfect pizza: ricotta cheese, artichoke hearts, palmetto olives, and pineapple
-- goal you'd like to achieve: Fulfill my potential, smile and find good in the world everyday, love someone with all my heart, have a family, keep my young spirit and tenacity throughout life, be on a school board or county commission planning group, have a country home, be near the ocean, make people admire me.

THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on aim: way tight
-- your thoughts first waking up: "What time will I go to the club?"
-- your best physical feature: Smile, blue/green eyes
-- your bedtime: I usually get to bed around 12-1
-- your most missed memory: Spending the summers in Lauryn's hammock, bike riding with Leigh and the girls, and playing with all four of my siblings, we never do that anymore.

FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke: Coke
-- mcdonald's or burger king: Burger King I guess, I never eat fast-food
-- single or group dates: Depends how well I know the person.
-- adidas or nike: My current running shoes are Nike's, guess I don't really care.
-- lipton iced tea or nestea: Uhh, home made?
-- chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate all the way.
-- cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

FIVE:
-- smoke: Nope
-- curse: A lot more recently.
-- sing: Only in the car when I have a lot of emotion.
-- shower everyday: Yes, basically twice a day.
-- have a crush: I'm not sure, I'm pretty detached from love these days.
-- do you think you've been in love: I'd say so, as far as I can tell.
-- want to go to college: Yeah, I pretty much am going to college.
-- like(d) high school: Loved it.
-- want to get married: Yes, more than most other things.
-- believe in yourself: Yes, for the most part.
-- get motion sickness: In elevators.
-- think you're attractive: Sometimes, I'm confident as if I think I am, but I don't think so most of the time.
-- think you're a health freak: For the most part.
-- get along with your parent(s): Yeah
-- like thunderstorms: Love them cause they scare me!
-- play an instrument: Piano

SIX:
in the past month ...
-- drank alcohol: Yeah, too much at times.
-- smoked: Nope.
-- done a drug: Nope.
-- made out: Yup, with a couple people.
-- had sex: Nooo, too long.
-- gone on a date: Yeah.
-- gone to the mall: Duh.
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: Not an Oreo fan.
-- eaten sushi: I think so actually.
-- been on stage: Yeah, graduation.
-- been dumped: Haha, not directly.
-- gone skating: No
-- made homemade cookies: Probably
-- gone skinny dipping: No, but that would be way tight!
-- dyed your hair: No, believe it or not!
-- stolen anything: Nope

SEVEN:
ever ...
-- played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- if so, was it mixed company: Yes
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yeah
-- been caught "doing something": Oh boy, yes.
-- been called a tease: OMG I was this month.
-- gotten beaten up: No, hell no.
-- shoplifted: No
-- changed who you were to fit in: Everyone does in the middle school.

EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married: 25-ish?
-- how many children: 3
-- describe your dream wedding: Classic, dim-lights, gorgeous man at the alter waiting for me.
-- how do you want to die: Any way as long as it's when I am old.
-- where you want to go to college: Haha, UW FO SHO
-- what do you want to be when you grow up: Oh geez, well no longer a doctor. I want to be in business, trade, marketing, don't know for sure!
-- what country would you most like to visit: Portugal I'd say. But I REALLY want to go back to England right now, that's my thing.

NINE:
in a boy ...
-- best eye color? Something complex, like a blue or green.
-- best hair color? Any one!
-- short or long hair: Shaggy hair is great...like Tom's length <3
-- height: Around 5'10, or above.
-- best weight: Any weight as long as it carries lots of muscle. Gotta be built.
-- best articles of clothing: A good pair of jeans does a lot for a guy.
-- best first date location: Anywhere in the great outdoors.
-- best first kiss location: Doorstep, all DC-esque.

TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: None
-- # of people I could trust with my life: 6
-- # of cds that I own: A ton.
-- # of piercings: 4
-- # of tattoos: 0
-- # of scars on my body: One big, fatty one.
-- # of things in my past that I regret: I actually don't have regrets really. Things happen, I don't dwell on how they could have been different, because really they can't be no matter how hard you think about it. Plus I'm pretty happy about my life, so I wouldn't do much to change it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Subject:The gate was locked and I jumped it, and I let you in...
Time:11:59 pm.
Mood: calm.
Music:Lawn Sprinkler.
I think tonight really made me aware that Alex and I are over. Because it is summer I am not sure that I care that much. I guess I care since I like him, he's a great kid, I just can't force myself to get too worked up over it.
I really hate waiting for the phone to ring. It is one of the worst ways to spend my time. And when it does ring and it isn't the person you were hoping..that's pretty horrible too. Like just now Eddie called, probably wanting to go drinking or something, but when I heard the ring, before I flipped it over to check the caller ID, I held out hope that it was Alex. Yeah, it wasn't.
I'm feeling pretty content, pretty happy. I'm in a place I am not too keen on moving from, but I also like the places I seem to be going.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Blurty for Noelley Bo Belly.

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You're looking at the latest 7 entries.