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[01 Nov 2007|11:28pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | maroon 5 - it won't be soon before long album ] praise be to Him who watches over us. the westboro baptist church has been ordered to pay $11m to the family of a fallen serviceman for disrupting his funeral with their 'god hates fags' signs. while litigiousness usually annoys me, i can only say a prayer of thanks that He has finally struck down those who would use His name to spread hatred. the money awarded to the family is greater than the assets owned by the church and its members so hopefully they will be shut down from spreading their filth publicly for a long time. i'm all for free speech, even for nazis and bigots and idiots and even these turds, but i'm thankful for this result that damns these people who believe that all bad things brought upon us are punishment from God. 9/11, katrina, the VA tech shootings are all punishments for the fag enablers in this country. so what is an $11m lawsuit? retribution. how can they believe they are doing the Lord's will when He brought this down on them? i hope very sincerely their beliefs are shattered to the core and they can begin to rebuild something new. praise be to Him who loves us all, even us fag enablers. post comment

[11 Sep 2007|06:04pm] [ mood | exhausted ] there's a shadow today. the muggy weather, the gray skies. there's faint bagpipe music locked in the dense air, even though the memorial ceremonies ended hours ago. my mom called last night to tell me to be safe, to be careful today. as if i could actually actively do anything to keep myself any safer. there are people who hate everything our country stands for and thinks it's righteous in causing destruction and mayhem, ending lives. so in turn we hate what they stand for, and we think we're righteous in causing destruction and mayhem, ending their lives. when will the hatred end? when will we break the cycle? when we've destroyed everyone who hates us? because that will never happen. when can a war on terror end, when there will always be terror? you can't declare war on a concept, because when can it concede? when will terror capitulate and sign a peace treaty? fucking bush. post comment

peculiar and peculiarer [25 Jul 2007|03:17pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | it won't be soon before long ] i had this dream. you were gay... and it brought me this really weird sense of closure. because of my love of gay men...? or because the dysfunctionality wasn't my fault. how peculiar. 1 comment|post comment

the boys of summer have gone [04 Jul 2007|07:15pm] there's something about fireworks that brings us all back. bright and shinies light up the sky and it's like that scene in the sandlot where we stare up in amazement. but it's not just childhood wonder-- we grow up, become sarcastic and cynical, jaded and unimpressed, and still there's magic in the ancient art form of blowing things up. i even videotaped it a few years ago so i could rewatch. of course nothing's as good as the real thing, and i got made fun of the whole time. but still, something about summer and fireworks and swimming that's young and carefree. and now we have jobs and apartments and have to choose an insurance plan and decide how much to put into your 401k and pay the bills and be a grownup. so no more pool parties? no more lazy afternoons eating cupcakes? it's a good thing they made the wii for grownups too or i'd really have nothing to do but go to work and be a boring old person. bah humbug. happy 4th. post comment

letter from a regretful friend [13 Jun 2007|02:04am] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | sick puppies - all the same ] dear you, i wish i knew what to say. everything i knew and everything i wanted are clashing and i don't know what to believe. i've always had a problem with knowing when to quit. maybe all these signs are telling me i have to do what i'm afraid of, that i have to face up to my failures. who knew after all this time, i'd be here all over again. dear you, it's been a long time, longer than i ever wanted or thought possible. but i guess it is what it is. there comes a point where you've done all you can and the rest is... silence. are we brave enough to break it? despite what you may think, i don't want things to be like this. i just don't know how to fix it. dear you, what can i say, i have issues. i'd apologize but, it wouldn't change anything. what can you expect from damaged goods? i'll try to be better, if you try to too. because as difficult as i am, you're making things hard too. so we'll try harder now, right? dear you, i meant what i said. i hope you'll always know that. dear you, i didn't mean what i said. i hope you'll always know that. dear me, you're one of those people who takes reponsibility for everything. for all the things that go wrong, for the way he felt, the way she reacted, the things you can't control. it's okay that you're still on the crazy pills, it takes a long time. it's okay that you're dysfunctional. it's okay that--everything is okay. post comment

kung fu fighting, dancing queen [06 Jun 2007|02:27am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | maroon 5 - it won't be soon before long ] i am an attention whore. i will say or do shocking things so that people will pay attention to me. this behavior has gotten me into trouble quite often and i'm glad to say it's declined over time. still, the impulse is there often. maybe it's because i see other people doing it, in serious overkill mode, that has made me stop. i was always more about embarassing somebody or saying something sexually deviant. then you've got your 'reveal incredibly inappropriate information about your personal relationships because you want me to feel sorry for you' and 'way too detailed descriptions about how you sucked a cock and you think its shocking but is really just gross' people and then i think wow, is that how other people see me? so it seems appropriate that i keep an online journal, another venue for me to shine for my adoring readers. but it's quite the opposite. this is for the anonymity. theoretically i don't know who reads this, aside from a few handful of regular viewers. this is talking out loud just so i can relieve myself and hope that someone is listening. after all, it takes more effort to read than to listen. this is a place i come to be quiet and reflect on things i don't want to talk about to my friends. hence, my policy: do not ask people about things they write about in their journals. of course, then friends read it and wonder why you're so morbid and melancholy and assume they know something about you (hey, i'm talking about you). still, some of the attention whorey behavior is there. i suppose that's the nature of online journals, whatever my own personal motivations are. at any rate, it's a good form of preservation, as all journals are. the things i used to worry about--freshman year i wrote a detailed entry worrying about being a whore for kissing too many boys. and my definition then of too many: 3. the promises i made to myself, my expectations, my dreams, my fears--the only thing that has remained constant is the sheer inconsistency. everything changes, mostly for the better, a few things for the worse. i've lost a lot of things i never thought i would, even though everyone warned me. but i'll try to focus on the positive, the new opportunities, new friends, a new life. but the pessimist in me thinks i'll be back in this place pretty soon, at 3 in the morning, writing another hopelessly asinine entry that i hope nobody, and everybody, reads. post comment

And I fall asleep and dream of alternate realities [31 May 2007|10:29pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | maroon 5 - it won't be soon before long ] he asked me if it's normal, but the truth is that i don't know what's normal. but i feel it, i think it, i wonder too. i don't like to admit it, but who ever likes to admit their failings? the places you have come to fear the most are not the ones you'd imagined. what happens when you finally get there? when you finally get all the things you want, will we be happy? or will we fuck it all up as we do? when we have no one to blame but ourselves, will we accept the responsibility or run and hide? is it wrong to miss the things that hurt us, especially when things are so much better now? is that a testament to our true dysfunctionality? i would never trade it, but i still wonder. i wonder how things would have unfolded otherwise. would i still have found out that it wasn't what i thought it was? i miss the simplicity. i miss not being medicated. i miss not missing being the self destructive, melodramtic, emo girl. i miss it not ruining everything. i guess the melodramatic thing is still around. post comment

something cheesy about reflection and whatever [17 May 2007|03:59pm] [ mood | ambivalent, to say the least ] [ music | norah jones ] I used to be a better writer. I've written and rewritten and rewritten this and it still sounds so 16 yearoldish. Or maybe I was always 16 yearoldish. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Is anybody ever really ready? I'm ready to be done, but I'm not ready to leave. Other people are growing up, getting jobs, finding apartments, getting engaged, and I just sit here in my unmade bed, staring at Johnny Depp and hoping I'll start studying soon so that I actually do get to be done. Everything goes back and forth, like a pendulum. I hate that metaphor but I suppose it's true. Today I want to be done, graduate, get a job, be a grownup. Tomorrow I will want to go home and let my mom take care of me. I'm wrong, I'm right, I'm wrong, I'm right. I'm paranoid, I'm hurt, I'm paranoid, I'm hurt. Six months ago I hated him, and now, I still kinda hate him but not as much as I used to until he starts complaining and then I hate him again. Before I was illicit, and now I'm guilty. I want my family to come to graduation but I hate being with them. I want to go to law school but I hate the idea of being a lawyer. I am independent. I need you to tell me what to do. 1 comment|post comment

[15 May 2007|03:13pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | ok go ] i think i got a job... it all happened really quickly... wtf mate? and now that it's here (i think), all the things i wanted and was afraid of are happening at once. oh yeah, still have finals left. are we there yet? post comment

this weight on my shoulders... and thighs, arms, and potbelly [29 Apr 2007|08:54pm] [ mood | nauseated ] i was looking at pictures from sophomore year, that intransient time stuck behind a glass wall. that time when depression and despair ravaged my body and i nearly dropped to a double digit weight. when i couldn't eat, had a cigarette for breakfast, and generally tried to punish my body. and yet, all i could think was, i looked so much better then. when did i get so fat? it's a blurry year, mostly filled with regrets and their unintended consequences. like dropping to a size 2, wearing xsmalls and everyone telling me how good i looked. i guess it's a good thing that when i look back, all i think about is my weight. go away please. you're bothering me and i don't like it. post comment

she used to be my girl [08 Apr 2007|04:58pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | dashboard ] my days are filled with used to be's and should have been's. rereading, rewriting history the way you wish it was is convenient for you and a pain in the ass for me. the worst part is, you don't even know it. you sit there in your mask and think we don't know. who are you hiding from? i used to think i was a good liar, but you're the master. post comment

were you thinking of me when i needed you the most [24 Mar 2007|01:49am] [ music | stab my back - all-american rejects ] there is no current mood setting for my current mood. i knew, but i could deal because i didn't know for sure. and now i know for sure. it sucks because i'm not supposed to know, and i wish i could unknow it. broken words that mean nothing. so what now. do i hate you quietly or lose someone else too. someone who betrayed the truth of what was supposed to be forever. i always knew it could but i really, really never thought you would. maybe that was stupid of me, but i believed you when you said all those things. this is not the way it was supposed to be. in the end, it's nothing. post comment

[20 Mar 2007|02:15am] for every lost moment every lost soul here's one i'll never get back the fear it won't touch the ground swept away by all those things post comment

ramblings of a madman [11 Feb 2007|12:57am] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | something emo ] and where will you be when she opens her eyes? when does it end? is there such a thing as closure? can you ever really have it? or is it just me? do i just never get to have it? p.s. i hate you, and her, but really i hate you (not the obvious you--the other you). post comment

[07 Jan 2007|05:49pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | gene kelly ] it all keeps spinning around and around without ever stopping. did i forget? is that how it changed? you can't forget, ever really. you shouldn't, i guess i mean. forgive but don't forget. never forget because that's how you get fooled all over again. but forgive for real or i'll regret not trying as hard as i should have. how do i do this? how did i do this? how did i do it then? how do i do it now? how do i do.. anything? post comment

a little perspective baby [03 Jan 2007|06:54pm] [ music | john mayer - waiting on the world to change ] the best thing that ever happened to me, taking one for the team. pretty funny how time changes things. that's what it comes down to. post comment

[22 Dec 2006|04:10am] i'm distressed, over all these conflicts, protaganists and antagonists, and where did it all go? can we put it back together? can it ever be? will it ever end? will you stop? will i ever figure it out? will anything ever make sense? what must be, will be. but what must it be? post comment

[05 Dec 2006|05:57pm] my god, i've resorted to shitty oneliners. post comment

[05 Dec 2006|02:24am] dude, get off my ass. seriously. post comment

[03 Dec 2006|08:32pm] i think i stepped on you, and i kinda liked it. post comment

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