[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, May 26th, 2003|
so...dum dee dum...well kevin came over last night and we had a really really good time. wink wink nudge nudge. he sat and talked about how happy i make him and that just sent my heart a flutter. he does that alot you know. he's all happy and its so cute. like hes so excited to show me all this stuff like there are new promotional photographs for sinckwhole and he wants me to look at them and get my opinion, and have me read his script and get his opinion, and all that. i totally love that he trusts my opinion and stuff on stuff like that. its great. hes so talented and for him to trust me to critique him makes me feel so good inside, that my opinion really really matters to him. makes me feel all damned gushy and i like it. wellrachelis here...until next time. Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: mint car -the cure
|Sunday, May 25th, 2003|
so its sunday, and i'm bored out of my mind. i have all of this set up on my computer now, hoping my dad wont come across it and read all of my personal thoughts and feelings because well that would suck. i had kevin and rachel and leena over last night. i really really miss just living with leena. :( we had so much fun living together, i miss it alot. hopefully if i cant go back to school i can just get an apartment with her. that would be the best ever. but back to the story, i had them over because my dad is gone for the weekend and i figured it would be fun. and i think it was. i feel really bad having rachel and kevin over at the same time. its dumb, but i always feel like she will be upset if i dont spend enough time with her, and i he will feel unwanted if i make too much time for rachel. and i want them to get along well adn not feel in competition for my affections so to say. ugh i dont know. i spend so much time with rachel its not even funny, but i mean not in a bad way not even funny as in we litterally just get up meet up and hang out all day. i'm always scared she will burn out on me or something. i'm always so worried that people will burn out on me. i am a good person, but i dont want my freinds to be sick of me you know? ugh i dont know how would i expect you to know. i should have gotten the spell check.
i went to kevins show at the bbc on friday night. it was cool, but that stupid tiff girl writes all over his damned car and is all over him. i hate her. blah. and these kids from lexington were there, so like they were talking to me because i was with kevin. i knwo they woudl have acted like they never knew i existed had i not been there with him. they asked me if i was jesses sister. imagine that...being known as my brothers sister and not the other way around. i knew it woudl happen sooner or later, but i didnt think it would happen this soon. he will always be the more charmed one i guess, that is what i get for being so blase` about life and people and being so antisocial. and right now hes just a big dumb jock. boo on him.
i'm falling soo much in love with kevin. i have no clue when to tell him that. i havent ever really had to be the first one to say it ever, and i've only ever said it to one person. and he said it first because he was the one that had all the experience and stuff. i dont really know when to say it to not scare him. i know i feel it and i want to scream it from the rooftops but i really dont want to scare him. i'm sure he wouldnt be, but still you know, i'm scared and all. geez...i'm going go now, but i think i will be back on later, i have alot to say, but i dont have the attention for writing right now. until next time... Current Mood: loved
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2003|
So I’m not really online with my computer when I’m at my dads house, well not from now anyhow, if he ever decides to split the cable like he said he would, but I would really like to continue my online journal, and will most likely just copy and paste from here when I can get online, so I’ve been home for a few days now, pretty much just over the weekend, and everyone is pretty much letting me be. Its pretty nice I guess, I mean I really do like to be left alone, but I need to know its ok if I want to just be left alone. I don’t like wondering around wondering if I’m being looked at badly for not saying anything or being out with the family. I have gross water on my bed and pillow and cover. Its gross and I hate it and want it to dry. But its really really humid and I don’t think it will ever dry. Things I hate about being home are, I have no internet on my computer, so if I wanna be online I have to go into the living room, and it sucks, I don’t like not knowing where anythign goes, and not knowing what needs to be done when. I don’t like not having a key. I don’t like not being able to have kevin over whenever I want to. I do not like that I dotn have my own phone and I don’t like not having caller id, all of their food is way gross, and I am way sick of packing and unpacking. So enough of the complaining part.
I really wish that rachel would call or kevin would call. Both said that they would and as of yet niether one has. Leena didn’t call today either, like she said she would. I hope that she didn’t call and have me not pick up because I didn’t know she had rung because they have the phone set on two rings before it goes out and I didn’t here or get there in time.
I think that what I want to do with my life is get a farmhouse with kevin, leena becca and me. It would be so very nice, just work and grow vegetables, and take care of the kids and have friends over and make dinner every night and just be a big happy family. So I’m going to tell them that we need to buy a big farmhouse and live in the country hiding away from the rest of the world. That would be nice. It sounded excellent in the car this morning while I was stoned. Now it doesn’t sound as good, or as much like everyone would want to. I dotn know, I will have to talk to people. Then I can just go to college when I get older, when I’m married or 25 and can get more student aid. Then it will be easier for me to go to school. I can go to isu or something and just do what I want later in life. I will just write when I’m young, or get a job or something. I don’t know I’m really just very confused with life and I don’t really know what I want to do and no one is really helping me out with it. I don’t even really know who I would talk to about any of that or anything. Everyone just wants to yell at me over school stuff. And money stuff, and all sorts of stuff blah blah blah bah bah bah. I hate it all. Maybe I really just want to raise kids and be a mom and a housewife and be content with that for the rest of my life. Or maybe I will do all that and write at the same time so that i can still live out my dreams and make money and then nto have to have a real job in the meantime. Or maybe I will work and support kevin until one of his many projects takes off. Then if his doesn’t work out he will have to get a job and let me do some of the stuff I want to do like go to school, and if it does then I can do whatever I want then anyhow. Maybe I will get really really ill and not have to worry about any of this and just die or get a really long break. That would be good. And being sick gets you lots of sympathy and no one really cares of you work or go to school they just want you to get better. Ugh I really don’t like the way things are going for me right now. And it royally sucks. Yeah sick really is the way to go. I think that I will go to china and get SARS.
I was really really happy this morning probably because I was smoking, now I’m not so happy, most likely because I am sober and havent really eaten much all day because the food was gross that my dad made. I was really excited about life, but now I’m not so sure. I just wish kevin would call, and then rachel so I can go do something with her. Well that is enough right now, I’m going to save this to a disk and then when my dad goes to bed I will put it online. Until next time… Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: happiness in slavery
|Tuesday, May 13th, 2003|
so i think that i move home today, i think...hopefuly my dad will be in a really good mood, i can only hope. maybe he will come home be like so glad to see you do you need anything lets go get you some stuff...more than likely he will be in a really bad mood because he had to drive all day, and be really crabby and not be nice...suck. i'm going to start using real sentences now.
it's two days until the big show. hes really happy to have me there and says i can do or be wherever i want to be. i'm really kind of nervous because i dont knwo the drill like, where do i go where do i go in, when to be there, god i hope i dont have to pay...i totally cant even go if i have to pay. he wont' make me pay what am i talking about.
rachel is home and its totally great. we have been driving aroudn all day just hanging out, its great, i love it. i'm so happy its not even funny. i hope it doesnt have to end very soon. i'm so happy with kevin, i'm so happy that rachel is home, i'm so happy i have nothign to do for nearly three months. i have to deal with some stuff, but i feel so refreshed from school being out and being abe to relax that i dont really care, and almost feel like i can deal with it stress free. i'm going to be exercising all summer, walking rollerblading swimming, really getting myself in tune. it will be nice. i'm going to eat right, really i am i swear, the new macdonalds is not going to help but heh you know, you cant deny yourself.
last night me and rachel and kevin and will and derrick and wes all hung out at becca and thoms. it was really fun, but also very tiring. it was really hot, we were all really high, and becca never ever shuts up. she of course brought out the bass because kevin was there and ther eis still that small chance that kevin will be like hey come be the bass player in sinckwhole. heh. god i'm so nuts over him, hes soooo awesome...seriously...haha. i'm going to marry him and we are going to be happy forever. and ever. and it will be great. i have to bite my tounge to not tell him that i love him every time i touch him or he talks or anything. you know? egads, hot did i get this far in so quickly, its ok though because i'm pretty sure he feels exactly the same way. when we leave one another, its like one of us has to force ourselves to walk away, because if we dont then we will stand in the street or by a door hugging and kissing for the rest of our lives. and that would be ok. i'm so glad i found him. i think i will make him that cd after all. i may be on later to tell of my moving experience. until next time... Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: tool- sober
|Wednesday, May 7th, 2003|
so...i have been packing and moving all day, and not that i am work i can finally rest a little, go figure. i am really sad that i wont be able to be around leena all the time. i mean i guess nto we wont get burnt out on each other, but i will miss so much being able to knock on her door at 2 am and be like lets go to walmart i'm bored. you know? she is so freakin cool i love it. its awesome. i can't wait till summer when we can go to the pool together, and rollerblade all the time. we will run around and just have fun. and rachel will be with us now and that will make it even better. i can't wait until she comes home. this summer will hoepfully be really great once i get my school stuff worked out.
with leaving school, i have figured out that that will leave me and kevin with very minimal "alone time". i want to wait to have sex wtih him, but i don't know if i want to wait that long you know? i dont really know what i want. i know hes not using me for sex or anything, but i still kind of want to wait to make sure my feelings that i'm feeling will really last for the long run. but at the same time i totally want to jump him. i mean why should i punish him for things guys have done to me in the past? why should i punish myself. maybe i will proposition him tonight, see how he feels about it, and then if he's up for it do the deed. or maybe not. i dont know at all. he's so great, i don't want to ruin it by doing it too soon, or waiting too long, or pushing him, or denying him i have no clue. i'll see what he wants and we will go from there. well more later tonight after all that and such. until next time... Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: the simpsons
|Tuesday, May 6th, 2003|
so i met jonathan today. he is soo much cooler than allorah. already i like being aroudn him better. he's so smart and knows all about horror movies and stuff. kevin is really great with him too. its pretty much settled that i'm totally going to marry him. *knock on wood.* even down to the fact that he likes pop tart crusts and i only like the middle, thats just how well we fit, i mean its dumb, but its little things like that that just make him great. hes a keeper.
so i move out on thursday. i have to start packing tonight, adn pack all day tomorrow. i'm glad kevin will be here and leena too becaus i can't handle my aunt on my own when it's a situation like this. i know that is bad but god she jsut gets so freakin irritated about stuff like that. she gets all hot and then she gets bitchy. i really hope she does not act dumb in front of kevin. i hope she decides to act like an adult, and not get all whiney and stuff. i'm so tired. but dumb ass is listening to her music as loud as she can to impress everyone. she is singing and its really off key and its really funny. ok i'm out of stuff to say for now, maynbe i'll come back later when i'm nto so sleepy from park time fun..until next time... Current Mood: exhaustedCurrent Music: deftones-passenger
|Monday, May 5th, 2003|
|today part two
ok..so i'm back...i forgot alot of stuff that i needed to get off my chest. i had a really bad dream abotu my mom last night. it just sucked. i mean it didnt like suck ebcause it was scary, it was really nice, it just upset me that it couldnt last. when i got the email from my dad, i was kind of upset, and i went back to sleep for a little bit. in this dream my mom picked me up. she looked really healthy, and happy. she was not sick looking, btu she was realy thin and fit. and she picked me up from somewhere, and we were driving, adn i was in the back seat or soemthign because i kept just hugging her really tight. she was telling me that i could move in with her because my dad was being dumb. i started crying because i was soo happy. i didnt know what to think. then i woke up and was crying for real. i was so overwhelmed with feelings. i just miss her soo much. i really really need her right now in my life. its not fair that i have to go through my life without a mother. she left just when i was growing into the person that i am today. i miss her so much. people wonder why i am so down all the time. people think that i should be happy, like one of my freinds tells me that i should be happy, because i have freinds and i have kevin, but i woudl trade all of that for one more day with my mom. we didnt get along when she was alive because i was going through that really bad time of early teen years, when i thought i knew everything. god its just not fair.
and that one freind whenever i talk about not having my mom, she always compares it to her dad being a dick sometimes and not calling her all the time. its not the same at all, in any way. if she wants she can pick up the phone herself adn call him, or go herself and see him. i can never do that, i can never ever call my mom up agian. i will never ever see my mom again. she will not be there to see me get married, she will never see me graduate from school, she will never see any of it. and i feel cheated. i really need to talk to someone about it, because i hid all this stuff away for so long, because in high school i never talked to anyone about it. i thought i was ok. i told myself i was ok, i told everyone i was ok. so everyone thought i was ok, everyone thinks i'm ok still, they joke abtou it even. but i am being torn up inside. i am taken over by greif. i am sitting here at work crying right now. i'm trying not too, and i'm hiding it well, btu god it sucks. i need to talk to my dad abotu how much all of this has affected me, and see if it kills himstill too, but i feel like he will nto want to talk abtou or jsut tell me to see soemoen or somethign and not talk to me abotu it.
i just miss her so much and i really missed out on so much with her. i want to tell her all the things that are going on in my life right now, and want her to help me fix it. i know she would at least help me feel better. i dont know, i'm nto looking for pity because so many people go through this every year, but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt you know? well really now, until next time... Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: for martha...if you have to go...
so... moving into my dads has already posed a problem. apparently i am too much of a hassle alredy. he can't even take two mintues to go and get me a key made so that i can move in on the day that i move out of school, i have to stay at grandmas until next tuesday. grr! i just want to email him and be like its not worth my time or yours, so i'm just going to live with grandma. she does not treat me like i am a pain like dad does sometimes. well she does treat me like a pain, but in a joking way. i don't have a bed there, and i cant take a shower, but i am happier when i'm around her. but i get soo depressed when i cant sleep and stuff, and when they fight, but i dont want to not be able to do what i want all summer, i mean i am and adult. so i have to choose between being able to do what i want and feeling like i am at home, btu not having a bed or being able to sleep or gettign to shower whenever i want, or...i could live at my dads, have a bed, and a shower, be close to the pool and not have to listen to grandma and lori fight all day, btu mayeb not being able to be out as late as i want and stuff. grr i hate it. and its so stressful packing and moving. i really hope i can hook up my computer in my room, so that i can have all teh stuff in there, like all my music and my phone numbers and all, i mean even if i dont have internet, its ok, just as long as i can have all my pictures and stuff, i guess i coudl just hook it up and send everythign i need to my dads computer, but thats a pain. i also hope that i can have my own screen so that i can have my own background and stuff, i know its trivial and stupid, but i dontwant to look at motorcycles everytime i want to get online. i will figure it all out i always do.
so moving itself is going to be stressful i think . i have to pack it all up, and hopefully kevin will be able to help me move and stuff, not like matt last year. god that sucked, i had to move all the heavy stuff by myself up all those stairs because he is a lazy fuck. god i complain alot. but still it sucked, he promised, he always promised all sorts of stuff, but never did any of it. i really hope kevin is different, i mean i think he is. he seems pretty motivated, adn busy, i also hope that i dont get in his way of what he wants, because he feels he needs to spend time with me. i worry way too much. new resolutions, no more worrieng and no more complaining, well less of both, i cant jsut quit straight off, you know.
this summer i am going to be in such great shape. we are going to swim adn run adn walk and rollerblade. i hope that i dont get lazy, we always do. i have to eat way better too. i am sick of being uncomfortable with my body. i just want to get rid of my tummy, i have had it for so long. i just want to be able to wear whatever i want, i want to be able to wear cute dresses, and a cute bathing suit and adn just be hot. i mean i am the hot chick with the lip ring, i need the body to match.
i cant wait till kevins show on the 15th. i cant wait for that kid that i fucking hate to even look at me once. god it will so be on then. if he looks at me i'm going to be like what the fuck are you looking at? do you have soemthign to say or something? and then he will be like something something dumb... and i will be like well let me find what my boyfreind thinks of that. and tehn kevin will come kick his ass. and it will rule. i love it. haha. and then i will laugh at the skipping kid. that will rule too. haha. ok until next time... Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: the simpsons
|Sunday, May 4th, 2003|
so weekend number one of summer fun is possibly ruined. rachel may have to go to her dads this weekend to watch her grandma for him. that will suck. i was very excited and now i'm kind of down. i wonder when i am going to move out, probably sat. whenever people can help me. i still have no fucking cluw if i am even coming back to school next year. i screwed up my life soo much i dont even know how to begin to fix it. i think i will email mrs adams this week. i really should. otherwise i have no clue what i'm going to do. she will help me and understand.. and give me advice, actual advice. i shoudl have dled the fucking spell check.
so other than the parts of my life that are totally fucked up, the other parts are pretty fucking cool. namely, kevin. he is fucking awesome. like super awesome. at the movie last night, i just kept looking at him, being like "wow, he's totally mine". it's messed up. i've never felt like this before about anyone. it's almost overwhelming. i had this talk with him about me being used by guys in previous relationships, like guys nto really being interested in me for me, knowing that they really only wanted me for sex and such. he was very sweet about it. and not in a jerkish "hey baby thats too bad what can i do to make you feel better" way. he said hes too timid to even be like that. i'm totally gonna marry this one if i get the chance. and once again i'm sounding like my boyfreind runs my world
becca is annoying the piss out of me as usual. she is of course being fucking weird abotu me and kevin again. i wish she woudl just be like "it shoudl have been me not you." i'm waiting for her to use me to try and get into shows for free and get to hang out with the band afterwords. i dont really knwo what to do at the shows. i dont know if i will be in the way or what you know? god i really need to stop worrying. ugh...he will be happy just to have me there. he will tell me where he needs me and what he needs me to do tomake verythignbest for him. i mean it is his show and all. i just want to be there for him, to hug him and stuff after his show, because i know hes all upset kinda when hes done. enough about him. enough about everything. until next time... Current Mood: distressedCurrent Music: aqua teen hunger force...the one with danzig
|Saturday, May 3rd, 2003|
so today was kind of a good day. better than the past few. i went with leena to her grandparents house, adn it was fun, but i thought too much on the ride home. i always think too much. that is what always ends up bringing me down. i wish sometimes i could just turn off my head. like the dumb people that i see, that i know had to have turned off thier brains before they do certain things, that just have that dull glaze over thier faces and a fake smile. going to the shining with kevin and others. don't really know who yet. i havent' seen him in a few days, well i did the ohter day for a little bit, and ithat s good because we just started dating, and i don't want to get too overwhelmed with the thought of "us". i mean really i've only known him a few weeks. i mean i know of him and my freind becca is really good friends, er was really good friends with him, so i know like i odnt have to be wary of him because i dont knwo him very well, but we jsut get on so well that i'm not too worried abotu that. btu i dont want us to get in too far too soon, so that we like ruin it for ourselves. i like him soo much and i know soon i am going to madly in love with him, but i really want it too be goos and last a long time, so i dont want to rush any part of it. but i am taking him to the movie and making him dinner, adn he feels bad because i'm doing that for him, but he's my boyfreind, and i know he has to spend his money on other things, like his band and more inportantly his son. i can totally live wthout dates and stuff and if i want to do something, why shoudltn i pay? i mean i was my idea to go. i know it will pay of fin the end, and not in a liek hey i'm going to get something out of this, but iknow he will know that i really care abotu him if i do nice little things for him. yeah so enough obout kevin for now, i sound like i'm obsessed with my boyfreind or something, or liek my world revolves around him, but everyone who knows me knows that it doesnt and that i deserve this with him, and i do so its cool. i just hope that i dont mess it up by having to go to jail because i'm going to kill the dude that lives next to me. he has such awful taste in music. i'm sick of the justin timberlake wake up calls. until next time... Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: heart of glass- blondie