I've been wanting to blog online for awhile. I've kept paper journals for years and this just seems like a better option for me since I basically live online... at least a big section of my life is stationed in cyberspace; my work, education, a chunk of my social life. I don't really need another online activity, but here I can write without pain in my wrist, I can type words faster and maybe something I write here will encourage, inspire or uplift someone else at some point. That being said, the bottom line is still that I'm doing this for me. Writing for me voices and vents and processes my confusion, frustration, inspirations, ideas, and self analysis. It is an outlet for the mind, emotions and soul. I once heard that "life is like a river, it needs both an inlet and an outlet in order to flow."
This is also hopefully replacing some of the time I spend online at a message board I no longer wish to read or post at. Life is always about change... letting go of the old and outdated shit that no longer applies to where we are going in life so that we can embrace the new. And I sure need a change right now. Not that this journal is the change I need but it is something to assist with it. I actually met someone on this message board (the one I am leaving)in real life. She is a legend on this board. Her post count is higher than high and everyone there loves her. She and I had a heavy makeout session at the bar we met at, as well as a lot of emotional connecting through many hours of deep and intense conversations both before and after that. I knew, before we even met in person, how crazy she really is. Even when it came to the chemistry between us, which was off the wall, the way she handled it was more animalistic and aggressive than any man who's ever tried to force themselves on me. So at that point, I had the signs around me telling me to to detach, yet something inside me felt compelled to explore this relationship. I've always been attracted to what some people consider bizarre and unusual things. That same something in me drew me to her. I enjoyed the spices of her toughness, brilliance, wittiness, and even her sarcasm. Whoever she directs her razor sharp tounge at best get the fuck out of her way though. She can rip up, chew up and spit out anyone's ego and their heart as well, and she prides herself on this. Yet underneath all the layers and levels of her anger and desire to torment people, lies a sad little girl crying out for the mommy who left her when she was a small child. We had spoken so much about her abandonment issues, and when I was ready to walk away from her after being shit on with her apathetic remarks and ploys, she would throw her abandonment issues in my face and expect me to feel sorry for her and overlook the actions she had taken against me.
Well, I could only handle that type of abuse for so long and I have been at a strange set of crossroads in the situation. I am equipped with the knowledge to fully understand this dynamic between us. My emotions however, have been hooked. I thought I removed the hooks... yet now I'm not so sure. I spoke with her today and agreed to see her on Saturday.
There was a huge scene last time I saw her that broke loose. If that was the first time we had met in person, I fear to think what will happen next time... yet the anticipation is also exciting.