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mood |
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lonely |
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Catch 22~ Walking Away |
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aw man. what the eff was i thinking when i started an online journal? haha... i have so much to say but i'm extremely worried that... i dunno... that i'm telling people i don't even know way too much about myself... or even people that i do know.
but anyway, why is it that sex is something "special" to me? Something that i don't think should be toyed with? I mean... my virginity is something so important to me. Most likely the most important thing i have. I'm not gonna give my virginity up to just anyone. I'm going to have no question about what i'm doing and whether it's the right person or not. But why? Why is my virginity so sacred to me? It doesn't seem like it is to anyone else.... Mind you, I don't condemn people for having sex, don't get me wrong. Most of my friends have and it's not that big of a deal to them. And i still love my friends just as much despite knowing that of them. I heard from one of my friends that sex is sort of like making out, it's addicting. And if that's at all true, than i'd much rather not get caught up in sex in my youth. Same with drugs. Making out is enough of an addiction and i'm not sure how many other's i could deal with ;-).
So back to the point, another of my friends told me that they knew they liked the person they had sex with, but they weren't sure if they loved them. Now that drove me insane and made for a very bad sleep. To me, if you're that uncertain about something, then you probably shouldn't do it. Or in the case of whether you love them or not, there's a pretty good chance that you don't.
All my close (and some non-close) upper classmen friends have had sex... except for 2. Maybe 3. And this girl who used to be my best friend in the world up till high school, who i used to know like the outlay of my house and who used to hold her beliefs as close as i do, doesn't have the... respect... of sex that she used to. I suppose i'm at fault, i was nieve and rather ignorant, for not realizing how common and... "non-special"... sex is anymore. But despite that, again, i love my friends as much as i ever did. And my respect for them hasn't changed. My newfound realization has just made me more knowledgable... which i suppose could be good or bad. You know what they say (WARNING: cliche coming up), "Ignorance is bliss."
So... all night a couple nights ago, i lay in my bed just thinking about how rare my view is... I never really realized it before. And now i do and it's tossed my whole fortress of security and unquestioning knowledge into a state of turmoil and despair. So needless to say, i did a lot of praying. For strength... kuz chances are i'm going to need it... sooner or later.
Just one thing my friends, i don't mind if you have sex. I just want all of you to swear to me on whatever you hold most dear that you will NOT do something you feel obligated to do. Never, never do that. If you feel an obligation to have sex with a person, then something is wrong. You shouldn't feel you have to do it so that they won't break up with you, or so that they'll love you more, or so that they'll feel closer to you. No... do it of your own free will and choosing.
Wow... i don't even want to think how many possible love-interests i just lost by writing that... but i suppose that'll probably be a good thing in the long run... even if not now. *sigh* oh well.
Alright, now that i have told all to a computer... (i'm insane) i'm going to depart with one final statement... COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME. ESP. ON THIS ENTRY. *hint hint*
With Love,
Mary
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