Dee's Journal

Monday, December 30, 2002

8:23PM - Darn New Years

New Years Resolution TIME!

Hmmm, not this time. I rather just look at myself and analyze what has been going on the past years of my life. I've come so far and learned so much, yet I feel as if I have a world to discover. Life is a never ending hellish journey.

One of the most factual and also depressing things I ever learned was about Darwin's theory, "Survival of the Fittest". So logical and true it is. I'm not in the mood to explain it. You guys who haven't heard of it... crack open a biology book or search for it on the internet or something.

Today was hectic. *Sigh* I wish I could say that days like these won't happen again, but nothing is guaranteed. I am really unhappy with my current life-style. Hopefully, things will become less stressful in a couple months. I still miss my Floridian life though. It was almost like a Utopia for me, where stress didn't exist.

I wish I had something to look forward to up here. A person to hang out with who won't give me any head aches, a place I can go to where I can escape to and relax, or a road I can drive on that doesn't have so many insane people carelessly trying to kill everyone in its path.

Damn, all I write about in this thing are depressing thoughts. I'd like to change that.
I only wanna be happy. Why is that so freakin difficult to have? I'm not trying to win the lottery or ask for an expensive car.

I just want to be happy.

Current mood: I don't know
Current music: Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made For Walkin
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Sunday, December 15, 2002

6:44PM - *Cough* *Cough*

I am so sick. Not feeling well. I think it's the flu or a severe cold. Due to the back pains I've been getting, I went to the doctor and had some x-rays taken of my back on Friday. Everything is okay with my bones (no dislocation of a disc or anything), thank God. But he said that I strained every muscle in my back. I need to get physical therapy once a week starting January. Said it wasn't normal for it to be hurting for this long. If it continues, then I'm going to need an MRI to be taken. I'm having trouble doing everything. Can't sleep, exercise, stretch, run, hell I can't even type for more than five minutes with out feeling pain. Oh well, I think I'll be okay. Hopefully the therapy will be all that I need.

John... a nuisance by nature. Reminds me of myself in a way. In the sense when I was younger I had older friends give me a chance, of course ;o). I thought I might do the same for him. I'm not saying it was a mistake, but he is too immature. Impertinent is more befitting actually. It's not his fault. Some people grow mentally faster than others. And his mind is still in the maturing phase. He tries though, can't be too hard on him. He just doesn't know any better. I feel like I'm being mean. I don't wanna hurt his feelings or anything. I know I can't change people. I can only accept them the way they are. It's annoying how he thinks he knows everything, and he can be so damn snotty sometimes. I wish I could record him and play it back to him so he can hear what an ass he sounds like. I feel sorry for him sometimes. Well, I'm going to try to talk to him. Hope he understands.

Olga... she is awesome, cool, and great. Just wish she had a more flexible mentality. Then again, I'm one hardheaded B*#$%. Our views are very different. Yet, we manage to be great friends. You think I study a lot? HA!! She is a machine when it comes to that stuff. I'm proud of her though.

Gav... I'm proud of him! He is still lost though. He is smart and mature, yet he refuses to see the answers right in front of his face. He is in denial of his own flaws. He refuses to see reality and chooses to live in a world convenient to him. But I still love and will be there for him. I still want him to join the military though. I strongly believe that is for him and he will have a better and structured future there.

Ed... I wish you would give Jesus a chance!!!!! I pray for you everyday. Probably the only thing I haven't told you about is my relationship with God. I just don't want you to make a mockery of it. God is number one in my life. Sometimes I hope I could talk to you about it. But I'm scared to. I want you to hang out with Mami, You guys need each other. Maybe her more than you. You need love in your life. Mami can give it to you, but you are afraid. I understand, but closing yourself up is only going to make it even more difficult for you in the future. Look at you and me now. We wouldn't be this close unless you would have opened up to me. I still wish we could hang out more, especially with you not working anymore. Please lay off the drugs. I don't give a shit if it's only weed or an occasional X bean. (Shut up, Don't exaggerate Diana) It's bull ca ca. I hold you up there. I brag about you all the time. I'm younger than you, and I know better. So should you. I love you Eggie. I wish it was easier to talk to you. You have a difficult character. If you were just more easy going, I would tell you everything and depend on you more. Because you are awesome to talk to and you understand me.

Evelyn... I miss you sis. My only true friend on the planet. I swear, I could speak to you in Japanese and you'd still freakin understand me. I don't think I'll ever be close to someone like you and me were. I say were because of the distance. But in my heart, we are still close (I know, that sounds cheesy). The one human being that actually taught me valuable things which until today I still value. What am I going to do? You are an admirable woman full of dignity and respect. If you don't find the prince charming, don't you dare settle for some second rate knave! I am not ashamed to say that I love God. I don't care. You showed me this and many other things. You are the only person I trust. You are proof that good people exist. *Sigh* I feel like flying over there right now. I hope you are okay. I worry about you, but I know that you are in God's hands. So you be alright ;o) Love you!

Chris... I miss you too. Let me come right out and say it. The reason I could never get closer to you is because I feared your feelings for me. I felt hesistant. When I said that I loved you. I meant as a brother, as a friend, as a human being. I'm sorry if I ever pushed you away or ignored you. But that is why. I still miss your dorky jokes, talking about Friends and Seinfeld (nobody up here watches it!!!!!!), getting mad at you, and talking for hours on end about nothing in particular. You are my twin dude! I mean, who else eats the orange and yellow Starbursts at the same time, everytime! I am so sorry. Now I feel guilty and I kinda avoid you now. But I don't want to anymore (avoid you, I mean). When I say that I don't have time, it is part true. But I'm sure I can spare an hour or two on the weekends to talk to you. Plus, you are one of the few people who really appreciate me. And you acknowledge my extensive use of big vocabulary words ;o)

Paul... I don't care if you live in freakin Texas. You have a great heart. And we so need to talk more. Lately, I haven't even signed on much because I am doing so much stuff for school. Actually, lemme give you a call right now ;o)

I wrote about the people I relate with oftten or who are closest to me. I wrote things I wish to say to them, or hope they read. Wrote my thoughts on them. I'm not judging them. Who am I to judge anyone? I have millions of flaws. And I do acknowledge them. This is just a journal. I am writting what I feel. That's all. If it doesn't make sense.... It's not supposed to. I just realized I used the word "love" a lot in this entry. That's a scary thought. I rarely express my feelings. Mainly because I have know you to express them to. Hence the reason for having this journal in the first place.

*Evelyn, if I talk too much about myself its because you are the only person in the world I trust and I wanna tell you every detail about me because our time is always limited. I'm sorry, I have to work on my listening skills with you*

Hehe, sorry. Everyone I mentioned here is worthy of being spoken about because they are good people. And John, you are a good person. I'll talk to you later.

Current mood: recumbent
Current music: Stone Temple Pilots - Half The Man I Used To Be
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Monday, December 9, 2002

6:52PM - Bad nor good

I'm writing for the sake of writing.

Current mood: apathetic
Current music: No Doubt - Magic's in the Makeup
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Thursday, December 5, 2002

5:27PM - This snow is.... HOT!

That was some heavenly storm! Woohoo *Homer Simpson style*! It was hot (the "awesome" kind of hot). I bathed in the white solidified water with a mix of pollution for about 45 minutes. Boy, did I take pictures! Everyone gave me the she-must-be-from-Florida look.

Well, I feel good. As far as my environment goes. Now I'm going to build some snowmen and play some DDR with them. Or they could just watch ;o)

Current mood: complacent
Current music: New Order - True Faith
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Saturday, November 30, 2002

8:46PM - You'll be amazed at what some DDR and a long @ss shower will do to ya ;o)

Well, I played Dance Dance Revolution for about 45 minutes straight (I know I know, it sounds childish. But I'm going to play this crap till I'm 65, so live with it) Anywayz, I was in the shower for about 50 minutes listening to my favorite techno CD. I was feeling nostalgic for a bit because its the music I used to listen to in the car. My little automobile...... how I yearn to turn on your ignition. *Sigh* I'm a certified pedestrian for all of you who were wondering (I guess that's you Paulie). Well, I've been only listening to rock lately, but I needed some of that Electronika to boost up my spirit! Well, I don't wanna write anymore. I'm getting the hang of this diary-journal thing. Not bad. Goodnight ;o)

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2:00PM - Feel a lot better

It's amazing how God works in my little measly life. I'm going through a phase, give me a break. I'm in an urban environment now, after I've been in a rural countryside for years! So it's all coming on top of me. Ever since I got here I've been focusing on college, studying long hours, and working. I haven't had the opportunity to lay back relax and assimilate everything that has been going on. So, yesterday I took some time off at night and started thinking. I was thinking about all the things I used to do, esp. the things that made me happy. And boy was I thinking for a while! I miss it... I miss it a lot. But I guess I had my vacation time and now it's time to come back to reality. Those happy days aren't gone for good. I guess I just have to work real hard to recreate them. I don't know... I've just been feeling lonely. Everyone around me is a Grade A nit freakin wit (dim wit, nit wit, what ever you call it). They all do drugs, act stupid (the kinda stupid that's annoying), and have sex 5 times a day. Don't get me wrong, if that's your thing then good for you. But I have other interests in life. It's hard to find people now a days that are worth calling friends. I just hope to find at least a couple and cling on to them for dear life. Well, here I go expressing my nonsense thoughts again. Once again, they aren't supposed to make sense because they come from where all your thoughts should come from...... your heart (that is soooo cheezy).

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Friday, November 29, 2002

5:47PM - Holidays seem to be getting monotonous...

I had yet another disastrous holiday. I think I know why though. It seems that when I used to live in Jersey that everything had a place, everything was normal, and the way it was supposed to be. And when I moved to Florida, I could never seem to achieve the holidays that I once had. I am being so damn fastidious and can't just be happy with what I have. I take things for granted, thinking that they will be there tomorrow. What is wrong with me? I am complaining about my own unhappiness, yet it is I myself who has caused it. I have done the opposite of what is supposed to be done this Thanksgiving. I've focused on what I don't have rather than what I do have. I think I need to just shut up and be happy.

It's funny how things were fine after so much suffering, yet when I move to the place I longed to go to after years of being discontent I suffer again. I don't care if this doesn't make sense, but this is for me to understand. You aren't supposed to understand, because this is how I feel. I need to change my ways. I can't let the image of my past over come me. I am better now, and I shouldn't let my past haunt me like this. I rather die then renounce what I used to be. But I feel it... I feel crawling up from the pits of darkness and what is untouchable to prey on me. I have to be strong. I must regain the mental, physical, emotional, and most of all spiritual stability in which I worked so hard to attain. Lord help me with this task that is impossible to accomplish alone. Only you can help me with this. I promise I will help myself and doing so you can help me.

I'm not going to reread what I wrote or even bother to correct it. If I do then it really didn't come from the heart. This isn't some stupid corporate letter, college essay, or something to be published in forsaken newspaper.... this is a journal entry of some woman who had a sucky day and is writing it down hoping that she can regain some sanity by doing so.

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Thursday, November 28, 2002

12:11PM - This one is for Paul

Well, I am not very fond of journals. And thats only because I can never keep up with them. I don't see much use in writing once a year, like I usually do. But I'll try this last time and see what happens. For the first time ever I'll publically write about my personal life with out any fear. It's not like any one will recognize my pseudonym anyways.

Okay Paul, now there isn't anything you will miss about my daily traumas ;o)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Diana G.

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