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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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6:20 pm - Friends Only
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As of now, this journal is FRIENDS ONLY
If you would like to see what lies beneath, then please comment and I'll most likely add you back.
I'm still accepting people as of now, so don't worry. You want in my little world, knock on the door and I'll answer it :). I'm not doing this for any particular reason other than I just want to try it out. I might make it public to all again in the future, but for now, friends only is what it will stay unless stated otherwise.
*~lady_rhi~*
current mood:  content
current music: Savage Garden-Santa Monica
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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6:08 pm - Weird, But Glad of It
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I think I understand now why fasting helps people, at least the way I look at it. I haven't been eating that much lately and my dreams, for one, have been I guess vision-like for some time now. Especially this morning's, which had a lot of symbolism in it. I've never actually fasted before...not even ceremoniously. But I really need to get back into eating actual food again. It's not right for me to eat so little because I'm skinny enough and I can't afford to lose anymore weight. I get very weak and dizzy easily if I don't eat a decent meal. I'm also rather happy now :). I'm an interesting person! That's actually more than most people give me credit for...Either I'm too weird, a loner, unsociable, or just not interesting enough which is just plain silly. I mean, come on, how can someone not be interesting who keeps an updated dream journal, is a mature fan of Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, has more guy friends than girls, has four hamsters named after Enterprise characters, makes one of her goals in life teasing her friends and turning her bf on, and shocking people with amazing moves on the dance floor, and singing? And this isn't interesting to some people? :o. I'm shocked, simply shocked. Hee hee.
I feel so much better now, too. I wrote my letter to God. That community's pretty nice, actually. Don't know how active it is right now but I guess it's almost a form of confession to some degree. Well, I needed a community like that, badly. Like in the previous entry, I've been feeling majorly out of sync with my faith in general and I really need to get back into it. I feel so empty, really, which isn't that healthy either. Emptiness is a driver of depression and loneliness. I know, I've had it for years and in HS it was the worst. But I won't get into that. I just talked with two girls on my floor about laundry and how annoying it is to go down 4 floors to the blasted laundry room. They really should put one on this floor. There are days I can't stand going past the guy's floor since I never know what kind of whistle or cat-call I might get. It's not good to do that when I'm moody. People should be glad I'm not an easily angered person. You know, fly off at the drop of a hat. I can't stand that, nor can I imagine myself being that angry, ever. But my weapon lies with stubborness and determination. If someone gets in my way trying to make me do something I'm not comfortable with, good luck trying to change my mind. It's not happening. On another note, I hope I haven't offended any of my friends out there who read this Blurty or my MOJ, about Mark. Of course, maybe they're not offended in the least. Who knows? I was pretty toxic in that last entry when I mentioned him. It's a long story...and I don't want to get into it right now.
So what should I have for dinner? So many possibilities. I don't know, really. I'm still tired from this morning, feel like I've wasted most of my day from taking those two Aleve for a headache. But anyhow, I'm going to get going now, sort my laundry, try to figure out my life, maybe run a special ops. searching for other possible communities. Yeah, I'm weird, but glad of it. Until then...... :)
current mood:  amused
current music: ROTK Soundtrack
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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7:04 pm - Out of Sync
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So tired...but that's what I get for not sleeping til 6 am this morning! But anyway, did some major checking around today. I think I'll join some communities on here, hehe. Can't wait until Saturday when my mom brings me up the clothes I forgot back home. It's not much but it's annoying to me when I leave anything behind. I just hope she doesn't give me the 20 questions interrogation again. I know she's only look out for me...I've known that all along but I guess it's getting on my nerves a lot these days. There are a lot of things I still don't tell my parents because it's none of their business. For one, that I've made friends online. They'd probably freak out if I told them that! They'd be like "You've never seen these people before, how do you know you can trust them?" or "You're not giving away personal information are you?". It drives me nuts. I also haven't told them I'm feeling out of sync with our church, or the Christian faith in general. I'm not sure how they'd respond to that, but I know it would likely bring on another lecture. *Rolls eyes* And that's kind of the last thing I need right now, hehe.
I also realized I hold grudges for an extensively long time. Hee hee, don't I sound so proud of that? I only noticed since the way I've talked of Mark (former friend, former crush) these past few days. I have no clue what he's up to now or even if he's a changed man, but ever since HS I've sort of resented him as much as I resent my ex, Jon, these days. Which is a terrible thing since if he and I ever met again, I wouldn't want to resent him but right now I can't help it. I think I still even have grudges against people from many years ago. And you're probably like, why can't you just forget about them and move on? Well, actually, I have but it's always in the back of my mind...one of those weird psychological things. I probably shouldn't talk more about him since I know my grudges can also go very deep and I don't want to come across like I hate him. No, nothing like that. But anyway, yeah, that's as far as that goes. I'm also slowly figuring out why my dreams of *him* have run dry, although I don't have a good theory yet. Just a guess. :P And...my floor is being annoying again, yay. Note the sarcasm. If anyone of them realized sound travels I don't think they'd be so loud! And the way one girl walks back and forth down the hall with her heeled shoes or whatever *swoosh-grate-swoosh* is just aggravating. I think I'm going to get some soda now and I know this entry didn't make a lot of sense, but bear with me. I'll have many others to write this week! ;) Until then.....adios!
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Delerium-Euphoria
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
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8:19 pm - Mix of Feelings
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Where Will You Be?
Where will you be when I am gone? Will you hold to life and await the sun? Will you dance and sing or fall down crying? Wishing in life you did no lying? Where will you be when I see you? Will you have forgotten me or do all you can not to? I can see in your eyes how important I am, how it distresses you that you can no longer hold my hand. Will your life change when I am gone? Would life still be precious when you're alone? Or would I discover I'm not the only one you held dear, for when I'm gone I can see forever. But whether this happens, even at all, I wouldn't haunt til death answered your call. But where will you be and where will you go? Will you follow me to the golden shore, and take my hand to lead me on? So maybe, one day, I can find my home. Where will you be? Will you be the same? Laughing and crying all over again? If this is our fate, please don't fade from here since where will you be when I'm not there?
Not sure what brought that poem on. Kind of a mix of feelings I guess I'm feeling right now. I guess I can't decide at the moment. Things are pretty ok right now; my mom is probably wondering what's up with me since I haven't caught her on IM at all this weekend. I'm still confused about a lot of things, a very many things which I haven't figured out yet. At this moment, I'm still talking with Steph (a friend I haven't talked to in a while) and I told her about my day, mainly my so-called "mistake" of playing good Samaritan last night. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I even bother? I don't know, I couldn't help it. I'm a good person and that's what good people do but I doubt I'll do that again. Grrr, people can get so aggravating, but at least I have my friends ;). Friends are good people to have. I don't know what I'd do without them at all.
I guess I also worried my mom a lot these past few days. I'd been in a funk so I turned off my answering machine (how stupid of me) and I left my cell phone turned off. She thought I was in trouble...which I guess I kind of was except I didn't want anything to do with anyone. I can be a real pain in the butt when I'm unhappy, let me tell you that straight out. Not only do I not think straight but it's like the world is my enemy. I hate the world and everyone in it kind of thing. Not good thinking at all. Well my mom knows now I'm ok, and although the depression is still in the back of my mind, it hasn't taken me over. I really hope I don't go through that again. That was so scary, I wrote more about it on MOJ actually. I guess the stand-ups sold for $32 and $29 as well. Wow, that was quite a turn out at the auction! I'm still going to get my own at some point. But anyhow, I need to eat, yada yada yada. Hunger drives the soul, my friend. And the soul...I don't know what it drives but I'm certain mine is a wolf. Wolves are cool! But, I'm going to get going now. Until then....au revoir!
current mood:  cynical
current music: Shakira-Tango (Objection)
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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9:03 pm - Common Ground
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I feel so incredibly tired right now, I'm having trouble focusing. Ehh, not good at all. So basically today besides eating some of those chocolates Chris gave me :) I did a little net surfing. I've been trying to find a community to join that's not dead and filled with people I can easily relate too. I was surprised there are only three Stargate communities here. There are plenty of other communities and I'm not sure if I want to join them. I think I'd just like to find a place to fit. You know, since same interests usually bring people together. I'm surprised how much more active the LJ is compared to the ones here. I'm not that disappointed, really. Just wondering where everyone is.
Well, either way, I'd like to make some new friends. At least I'm not as lonely as I used to be and it's become a lot easier for me to respond to people I didn't know at first. But, that doesn't mean I'm still not cautious. It really takes me a while to be comfortable with someone before I know what kind of friend they are. Not that I don't really trust people; I'd like to, it's just how I am. Sort of like when you get new sneakers, that at first feel alright but you haven't broken them in yet. Like that, I guess. So yeah...that's me. My eyes feel like they're burning which means I should probably lay down a while. Ugh, I hate that feeling. And I'm still thinking about those stories although now I've seen all these RP and fanfic places here, maybe I'll save anyone who reads this their sanity and join one of those. I really don't know at this point. Haha. Now a poem:
Ode to O'Neill
He was a good man, who led the SG-1 team
But now forever frozen in ice it seems
Unless by some miracle he can be released
The worst of the Goa'uld may be unleashed
Carter
He teased me so much so I teased him back
Though we could never see what lacked
From our relationship that we could not have
Now O'Neill has left us to save our land
Jackson
Though he was a pain when we first met
O'Neill was there always as our back-up net
In times of trouble or times of greed
We kicked those aliens' butts with him fully!
Teal'c
O'Neill was my friend who I've stayed loyal
Supporting him during times of distressing toil
But now that he's gone I don't know what to do
For my logic falls flat on the other two
And so O'Neill rests in his chilling block of ice
Until he's set free like once-caught mice
With SG-1 not knowing what to do for him
O'Neill rests staring always back at them
Alright, alright, I'm going now. That poem was meant to be serious but I guess I made it a little comical, huh? Ahh, writer at heart. What can I do? Hopefully I'll find someting soon so there can be others who appreciate my work as well! And I'm off! Until then.......:P
current mood:  exhausted
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4:10 pm - Far From Here
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Far From Here
You were there for so long, lifting my spirits up. You excited me and helped me fill my cup of the life you restored within me, you never made me fall. But where are you now? I ask, where are you now? I'd gotten so used to you with every small movement you made. But now I feel some part of me has been betrayed. The memories, not gone, of your kiss and caress I felt, and even more now that it's your name I cannot shout. Of all that time we spent together, in the river or in my dreams, now all I feel I want to do is scream! So where are you, where are you now? Why did you leave me here in this sorrow? The parting was sweet the way you said your simple "good-bye" but now I'm forever left wondering why, because I feel the loss of you more than you know...You're far from me and far from here so I wondered where you go. If you ever return to me I'll be the happiest girl around if you can change a smile from my bitter frown. But where are you? I ask, where are you now? Where is it you went I couldn't follow? And if your return is not as sweet as how you parted, take my heart now and stop it. Please return, that's all I ask, come back to me from your desolate path among the trees. You knew where I'd take you and perhaps that didn't sit well, but whatever the reason you left, I still even cherish you now
That is one of the many poems I wish to write in here. And even now as I listen to the music playing on my computer, I just feel all confused and upset again. Chris and I talked about this for a long while on the ride to the mall yesterday. This poem isn't about him, though, nor any of my guy friends hehe. Part of me has been feeling rather empty since this has happened and I can't seem to get *him* to return to me, at least in my dreams. The last time I dreamt of him, he made it sound like he was saying "good-bye" and since then I haven't seen him since. I know, it's only my dreams but hey...they're just as important as waking life. Kind of makes me think of Alex, who I used to dream of constantly in HS and he's gone now, seemingly forever. I don't think I can ever get him back. I've heard of "shared dreams" and I have a feeling that one where he said good-bye was likely one of many I've had, although this one felt stronger. Much stronger. Well, I'm hoping he'll come back. Something seems very off not having him show up lately and I'm kinda wondering just how big an impact he had on me although I've never met him before...
But anyhow, I have two very different story ideas. I haven't decided whether to make them public or friends only but I'll figure it out. Now, I'm getting rather hungry again so I should get off. I did the emailing I'd said I'd do. Still need to clear out the rest of my email I haven't checked yet, make room for more. Sometimes I think it would be great if the email had like this other storage area for the really new emails so you wouldn't have to sort through the old stuff and waste half your time online. I don't know, just an idea. Well, I'm going now. Hopefully I'll tame my stomach by tonight and maybe update later. Haven't decided yet, :P.
Until next time......
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Shakira-Poem to a Horse
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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9:17 pm - If the Shoe Fits...
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I think I'm starting a revolution here, hehe. I have a friend, yay! The Blurtiness has spread to other realms. But anyhow, I've been really down today, crying on and off mostly. I'm starting to hate what I think nowadays which is why a journal of any kind is a lifesaver for me. I'm driving myself so crazy, I just wish I had a mental file cabinet where I could store all my thoughts in separate folders cuz right now they're all in a jumbled mess. But that's nothing new; I've had this problem before although I don't think it's been so severe. I really need to eat something too or I'll get another headache. And I don't want another one. So anyhow, here's a little poem. My friend, majesticunity, from MOJ, suggested I write a poem so I'm going to:
Don't make me fall anymore
Stop telling me this is what I want
I don't want to listen your lies
Telling me I'm so unsure
Take your cold grip off me
And stop tempting me with your grin
I want you out of my mind
So it's you I won't ever see
This isn't what I desire
You're only making this worse
Whispering your lies of life and death
So I'll throw myself into the fire
I'm not going to listen to you
No matter how hard you try
This is my life, and my decisions
And I won't leave cuz you say I do
Alright, that felt good. In case anyone's wondering that poem isn't about anybody. It's all me so you have nothing to worry about whoever is reading this. I'm thinking this blurty will mainly be made up of poetry and short stories. Kinda funny since that's what my MOJ was originally going to be for and look where that ended up. Hahaha. Of course, I gained many friends by just ranting so maybe it will work here too. I don't know. I have all these crazy ideas! I'm so weird, but in a good way. My other friend, Patrick, told me I was complicated but in a good way, too. If the shoe fits, then yeah. That is so true because I am. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't just stay in the same mindset all the time. But weird people do have the most fun, I guess. Anyhow, I'm going now. I need to eat, do that blasted emailing before I drive myself crazy again, and hope tomorrow is much better than today was! I hate thinking myself down and it bothers me to no end.
Until tomorrow....*que sera, sera; whatever will be, will be; the future's not ours to see, que sera...sera*.
current mood:  restless
current music: Shania Twain-I'm Gonna Getcha Good
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2:23 am - New Journal!
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I thought this site was cool, so I decided to get myself a journal. I'm a writer at heart, since I have two other journals besides this one but I figured what the heck, why not? I'm hoping I can update this one as simultaneously as my other one, but I'll see what happens. This whole place is awesome and I love the fact it has communities so maybe I can get to know more people. I don't know, I guess it depends if I decide to join one. But anyhow, yeah, that's all I'm going to say for now.
Until next time....
current mood:  happy
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