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i found out a couple of days ago this girl from my school that i've known for a long time but never was really friends with is leaving this school year. i didn't get along with her much, but i feel like i'm losing part of me. i've known this certain group of students for a long time, and i ache to see us at a stand still. my class is falling apart, everyone is leaving, and while i wish i could too, i see our friendships and bonds collapsing. its a little saddening, but :/
neil got to come yesterday, which was nice. i like being around him more than anything. i just keep going up and down though, i'm fine one minute then another i'm so depressed. and i've tried so hard to keep it from him, but yesterday i just starting crying in front of him for no reason. it was awkward. i wanted to stop crying so badly, he was trying to make me feel better, and he wasn't being intrusive and saying stuff like, "aww, whats wrong? are you ok?" and etc, he was just sitting there. it was good, but i feel horrible for crying in front of him. i really do. i wanted to keep this secret alone, i didn't want to pull him into this, this is MY burden, not his. and i don't want it to strain us as an "us". i felt better almost immediantly after, and i was sort of embarrassed to have dropped so low. i don't know how to explain it, or why it happens, i just drop and then pop right up. its like i feel this hollowness, this emptiness, and then i'm fine. its sooo weird. but i felt better soon after, and we goofed off and had fun like usual. but it still hurt me a little to know i might hurt him somehow through my depression. :( at least i'm going to the doctor thursday, things can ONLY get better.. i think... i don't want my sadness to battle my happiness, though i fear its already happened.
i'm sorry for my lack of commenting. i've been slightly busy, just with everything. i feel terrible for it, i'll get around to commenting today or tomorrow i hope. and i DID email the things for you, manda, but my email is saying it won't send it or something, so i'm having my dad look at it today. :P stupid computers and technology....
neil found my cds in the van, i feel so dumb, haha, i didn't see them! but at least i now have modest mouse!
i had VBS today. i realized that depression starts when you're a child. i can name 3 kids at least that i saw who were so sad and down. one little man is i think 10 and hes ADHD and the medicine they sometimes prescribe for that can dampen a childs attitude [ex. my sister, rachel]. he laughed a few times, i tried to make them all feel special and whatever, i was just in an ehhh mood myself.
i helped mom and rachel with the painting ceramics, it was certainly interesting! i painted a raison from those old commercials, its cute. i actually did a neat job. [i gave it pretty manda eyeliner *cat eye*, and gwen *red* lips! its crazy cute!]
i think thats a good update, better than my last couple ~ :D
xoxo
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