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the worst is over.


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[07.31.03;07:13p]
join accents.
do it now.
or after you read the userinfo.
O_e
3 // COMMENT.

[07.21.03;12:33p]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Novetelle ]

i'm learning a beautiful song in piano, and have actually been praticing more than ever. i love praticing this song. my piano teacher is a genius, shes really great at teaching... when i don't like something, i divert as little attention as i can to it. ie, piano, because usually i'm playing this happy, cheery songs when i'm in this dark, melancholy mood. i sometimes learn at least half of the piece 2 hours before piano, and then still struggle through it.
well, i think Mrs. VanZant figured that out. she asked me if i minded putting all my pieces to rest. i was thinking, "crap, shes irritated with me for effin up so many songs..."
but then she says, "we're going to try this one.. mind if i play it for you first?"
so i slid over and let her play it. its beautiful.
its this perfect mix of discordant chords and melancholy arpeggios, a B flat, many accidentals. its perfect. i love it. so i'm praticing it constantly, i have the A section, both hands together, down pat. i seriously can not wait til my next piano lessons.
i wish i'd had them today, so i could show her how much i've accomplished in a week. but she and her family went out of town.
Mrs. VanZant is a great teacher. she was one of my two teachers in sixth grade, and she started teaching me piano in eighth. she's a very meek person, i've never seen her angry. very slender, only one child, and short hair. looks very jewish, i've never asked her if she was. shes played piano since she was 4 or 5, and started giving lessons when she was 12. 12!?! isn't that crazy? shes that good. when she played my piece, she played it flawlessly, even though she hasn't played in ages.
everything in piano, she does without regard. shes never flat out blunt, but she never beats around the bush. she always finds something good about everything.

why am i rambling about my piano teacher? i dunno... :D
sorry to be a bore, i just was hit with a beautiful passion for this song. i'm in love with this song. it descibes my mood...

2 // COMMENT.

[07.12.03;02:13p]
♠ ♣ ♥
← ↑ → ↓
3 // COMMENT.

[07.12.03;01:04p]
[ mood | working ]

i found out a couple of days ago this girl from my school that i've known for a long time but never was really friends with is leaving this school year. i didn't get along with her much, but i feel like i'm losing part of me. i've known this certain group of students for a long time, and i ache to see us at a stand still. my class is falling apart, everyone is leaving, and while i wish i could too, i see our friendships and bonds collapsing. its a little saddening, but :/

neil got to come yesterday, which was nice. i like being around him more than anything. i just keep going up and down though, i'm fine one minute then another i'm so depressed. and i've tried so hard to keep it from him, but yesterday i just starting crying in front of him for no reason. it was awkward. i wanted to stop crying so badly, he was trying to make me feel better, and he wasn't being intrusive and saying stuff like, "aww, whats wrong? are you ok?" and etc, he was just sitting there. it was good, but i feel horrible for crying in front of him. i really do. i wanted to keep this secret alone, i didn't want to pull him into this, this is MY burden, not his. and i don't want it to strain us as an "us". i felt better almost immediantly after, and i was sort of embarrassed to have dropped so low. i don't know how to explain it, or why it happens, i just drop and then pop right up. its like i feel this hollowness, this emptiness, and then i'm fine. its sooo weird. but i felt better soon after, and we goofed off and had fun like usual. but it still hurt me a little to know i might hurt him somehow through my depression. :( at least i'm going to the doctor thursday, things can ONLY get better.. i think... i don't want my sadness to battle my happiness, though i fear its already happened.

i'm sorry for my lack of commenting. i've been slightly busy, just with everything. i feel terrible for it, i'll get around to commenting today or tomorrow i hope. and i DID email the things for you, manda, but my email is saying it won't send it or something, so i'm having my dad look at it today. :P stupid computers and technology....

neil found my cds in the van, i feel so dumb, haha, i didn't see them! but at least i now have modest mouse!

i had VBS today. i realized that depression starts when you're a child. i can name 3 kids at least that i saw who were so sad and down. one little man is i think 10 and hes ADHD and the medicine they sometimes prescribe for that can dampen a childs attitude [ex. my sister, rachel]. he laughed a few times, i tried to make them all feel special and whatever, i was just in an ehhh mood myself.
i helped mom and rachel with the painting ceramics, it was certainly interesting! i painted a raison from those old commercials, its cute. i actually did a neat job. [i gave it pretty manda eyeliner *cat eye*, and gwen *red* lips! its crazy cute!]

i think thats a good update, better than my last couple ~ :D

xoxo

3 // COMMENT.

[07.10.03;11:36a]
[ mood | thirsty ]
[ music | cursive ]

my mother made me an appointment with a pschologist (<--spelling?) for the 17th and i'm not sure if i wanna look forward to it or what.

i'm the type of person who can't be happy normal, but when shes abnormal/weird/strange shes starving for normal.

i don't mind, and at least i can now recognize it.

i can hear my mum on the phone with the doctor now.
talking about me.
which upsets me, because
does my mum really know me?
shes sitting in there basically psycho-analyzing me.

:/

my stomach still hurts a little. i want to go somewhere today.
i look really pretty today, in a grunge way. my hair is all messy and eye liner from the day before that i didn't wash off is smeared. if you didn't know me, you'd think i was a hobo. :P

EDIT:

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.

marie looked up The Perks of Being a Wallflower on amazon.com and thats the quote they had from the book.
see, now i must own this book ! thats so awesome the way this kid thinks or whatever... i love it when books can change your way of thinking and your opinions...
6 // COMMENT.

[07.09.03;09:31p]
i want to read Perks of Being a Wallflower
someone take me to the book store.
COMMENT.

[07.09.03;05:44p]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | ani difranco ]

argh, we had a horrible storm.
didn't last long. but it made me feel tired all over.
like i was the storm, and i was tired from being angry.
my stomach hurts.
last night before i went to sleep,
i swear it felt like my insides were rotting.
i cried for a long time, then got up
and sewed more.
i cropped some sleeves on a shirt,
and on another i re-hemmed a star i'd added.
i can't find my cds. i want to listen to modest mouse
but i can't. :*(
OH, and MANDA, i'm sorry i've been so lazy and haven't emailed you all the info for your ujournal yet. i forgot about it until today! i feel so horrible! when i get back on later tonight, i'm sending it to you :)

2 // COMMENT.

[07.09.03;11:48a]
pg13
What rating is your journal?

brought to you by Quizilla

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
2 // COMMENT.

Playing: 468 K bits/second [07.07.03;04:06p]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | say hello to the angels --- interpol ]

such a beautiful person. you're not here today, i'm wishing you were. i cleaned my room and organized my papers. things i'd written and never shown. the words surprised me. myself, writing this? about you?
sometimes my words re-kindle the beginning. the pink folder scent, the one that smelled like the herbal essence shampoo. the smell overwhelmed me and lured me back to school, where i was sitting in a desk, pen in hand, scribbling away a ramble for you. what did it say? i don't remember. all i can feel is the controlling emotion. i am in love. the pink folder smell reminds me that i can tell you that all the time now.
i love you. see, i said it, and i didn't have to fear anything. i love you, do you love me?
is it appropriate of me to write gibberish about you? you knew i was in love with you, you even read it before i told you. why would you deny it? you were my everything before i understood anything. from the first step i took to the last tear i cried, you were mine. until i speak to you again, i will wonder if i'm only imagining you are, or even made you up.
riding with the windows down, i naturally slid my feet up to the dashboard. i realized how surreal it was when you sang. you twisted us back and forth in attempt to make fun of the driver in front of us. all you did was make me laugh louder than i remember ever before (or you are my laugh, its up to you if you accept the offer). songs i know half the words to, a cd that reminds me of the condo porch, or even sitting outside Cracker Barrel after you heard the song with me.
this is a bracealet )
stay with me. i promise i won't be difficult (i have my fingers crossed) and i'll try and make me smile all the time (that one is for sure).

1 // COMMENT.

[07.07.03;03:47p]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | from autumn to ashes ]

i will write about some important things later... *reminding me to*
sorry about comments, i suck at them.. plus i've been keeping myself occupied with the phone/church/people/takingvainphotosofmyself/creatingawebsitetohostsaidvainphotos/learninghowtousecomputerprogramstoenhancevainphotosofme... don't hate me :D
example )

update:
facelift for my blurty... one of my vain photos re-created.

i need pictures of my amazing shirt ideas. i was inspired by some LJ community someone mentioned *cookies to whoever it twas*

hmm, i'm lazy as servo.

1 // COMMENT.

Short Stories With Tragic Endings --- From Autumn to Ashes [07.05.03;10:33p]
sorry for all the lyrics lately, but they've been inspiring... heres another set :P

Short Stories With Tragic Endings
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give you.

(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts so much it's like choking.. choking?)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.

(Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have..
I'll never have.. I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in..
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great place.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipidsky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down.. come down. I cherish you.. I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me..
just say you would do the same..
just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.)
COMMENT.

you little honeychildsugardumplingspumpkincheeks! [07.05.03;12:13a]
Auto response from booblube2 (10:24:26 PM): mandahuggins is the epitome of a lady.

i feel ohsoloved...

gah, i don't know what to say.

this boy is my release. :*

what am i talking about? )
1 // COMMENT.

[07.04.03;05:36p]
ahhh, i am severely bored.
there are a few things i don't like doing on my holidays. such as, going to the ob/gyn or dentist, getting sick, shot, or attacked by rabies infested dogs. but at the top of my list is
spending the holidays with MY FAMILY!!!?!?!?!?
i'm at my grandparents right now. & its a little known fact that my papa hates my cousin Larry. and my Aunt Anne. and Jonathan. all 3 of which have decided to crash this party. [insert bad guy muscic]
First, i arrive with my mum. Aunt Anne and Granny (great great grandmum) is already here. i ponder how that went. Larry is right behind us. as we're coming in thru the down stairs, we notice a new car in the garage. we enter upstairs and Larry asks, loudly and rudely, "IS THAT FO' ME?? i can pick up all kinds of hot rich women in that S.O.B."
see, this is where amanda shrivels up inside in embarrassment for Larry and my papa. my papa has already dealt with the arrival of his mother and sister (Aunt Anne and Granny) and now is dealing with his deceased sister's son... Larry.
Aunt Anne makes a hasty getaway on a mission to retrieve some chips for our little get together, and i notice she is wearing AMERICAN FLAG FLIP FLOPS & board shorts.
#1, american flag flipflops = redneck city unless your name is ElizabethAnne Winters.
#2, don't BOYS wear board shorts??
*gag*
Jonathan & Rachel arrive shortly after. and Jonathan is wearing a 'Joe Dirt' mullet wig. my papa's jaw clenched, and he elegantly made his leave by coming up with the clever excuse of, "its time to start grilling the meat."
aaaahh, the beauty of a Huggins get together. at least Jonathan isn't related to me. :)
10 // COMMENT.

[07.04.03;02:03p]
woohoo for the fourth *sarcasm*

i have better things to do ~

TODAY'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS )

and its only 2 o'clock.

edit @ 2:42 )
COMMENT.

robotically i cry [07.03.03;06:36p]
[ mood | numb ]

days like today make me ache. some people have such beautiful souls, and when i look at myself, i wince. i killed the abilty because i was afraid of... ha, well, stabilty. rhyming for me equals more pain, i apologize. am i even making sense? these lonliness is bearable, i suppose, because while i'm moving in this tiny circle, i can see the progress of others, and wish to myself that i will be there one day.
the humur of my words recalls nothing to me, but the beauty of the soul deep inside each of the portrayers cries to me. how can you say such wonderful things and not know what they do to me? i'm sick of writing about sorrow, summer, boring days passing by with pain. i am writing with spirit. i want you to appreciate my wounds and bandage them with interviews. i'm not funny, i'm not smart, i'm not beautiful, i'm not everything. i'm amanda. i'm alone. i'm afraid. i wish to sign off.
i'm falling victim to routine, and dying little by little inside. you've stolen my end to blah. the drama that surrounds these walls, that surrounds this room eats all happiness. its not that i'm wanting to feel a smile again, its that i'm wanting to withdraw from the window.
the melancholy feeling has a much stronger bite than the depression. it buries itself into my thoughts and my words, even my functions. i said i'd try. i lied, do you mind? you view it from the outside and pine to be inside. now i'm inside looking out, and i am alone. its not so bad. my camera would be my friend if not for the lack of batteries. running would dull the pain, if not for my lack of energy.
the blase, listless emotion creeps up on me, just like menstration. only i can skip the latter. the first never leaves, it clicks like a clock, laughing at my pain.
the end )

3 // COMMENT.

i want to walk around in black&white stilletos with bright red lipstick & bat my eyelashes at all the boys. [07.02.03;01:08p]
[ mood | working ]
[ music | from autumn to ashes --- take her to the music store ]

i discovered the beauty of hardcore today.
and derek hess.

found beautiful art work by him. i'm thinking about making a background out of a Zao flyer he made. i change my background a lot, i know... but i never can make up my mind, i'm ever changing.

i've fallen in love with black&white, that is a definite. black, white, & random red.
vintage beauties own me as well.

"i want to walk around in black&white stilletos with bright red lipstick & bat my eyelashes at all the boys..."

10 // COMMENT.

Aesop Rock --- No Regrets [07.02.03;12:10p]
No Regrets
Lucy was 7 and wore a head of blue barettes
City born, into this world with no knowledge and no regrets
Had a piece of yellow chalk with which she'd draw upon the street
The many faces of the various locals that she would meet
There was joshua, age 10
Bully of the block
Who always took her milk money at the morning bus stop
There was Mrs. Crabtree, and her poodle
She always gave a wave and holler on her weekly trip down to the bingo
parlor
And she drew
Men, women, kids, sunsets, clouds
And she drew
Skyscrapers, fruit stands, cities, towns
Always said hello to passers-by
They'd ask her why she passed her time
Attachin lines to concrete
But she would only smile
Now all the other children living in or near her building
Ran around like tyrants, soaking up the open fire hydrants
They would say
"Hey little Lucy, wanna come jump double dutch?"
Lucy would pause, look, grin and say
"I'm busy, thank you much"
Well, well, one year passed
And believe it or not
She covered every last inch of the entire sidewalk,
And she stopped-
"Lucy, after all this, you're just giving in today??"
She said:
"I'm not giving in, I'm finished," and walked away

(Chorus: x2)
1 2 3
That's the speed of the seed
A B C
That's the speed of the need
You can dream a little dream
Or you can live a little dream
I'd rather live it
Cuz dreamers always chase
But never get it

Now Lucy was 37, and introverted somewhat
Basement apartment in the same building she grew up in
She traded in her blue barettes for long locks held up with a clip
Traded in her yellow chalk for charcoal sticks
And she drew
Little bobby who would come to sweep the porch
And she drew
The mailman, delivered everyday at 4
Lucy had very little contact with the folks outside her cubicle day
But she found it suitable, and she liked it that way
She had a man now: Rico, similar, hermit
They would only see each other once or twice a week on purpose
They appreciated space and Rico was an artist too
So they'd connect on saturdays to share the pictures that they drew
(Look!)
Now every month or so, she'd get a knock upon the front door
Just one of the neighbors,
Actin nice, although she was a strange girl, really
Say, "Lucy, wanna join me for some lunch??"
Lucy would smile and say "I'm busy, thank you much"
And they would make a weird face the second the door shut
And run and tell their friends how truly crazy Lucy was
And lucy knew what people thought but didn't care
Cuz while they spread their rumors through the street
She'd paint another masterpiece

(Chorus x2)

Lucy was 87, upon her death bed
At the senior home, where she had previously checked in
Traded in the locks and clips for a head rest
Traded in the charcoal sticks for arthritis, it had to happen
And she drew no more, just sat and watched the dawn
Had a television in the room that she'd never turned on
Lucy pinned up a life worth's of pictures on the wall
And sat and smiled, looked each one over, just to laugh at it all
No Rico, he had passed, 'bout 5 years back
So the visiting hours pulled in a big flock o' nothin
She'd never spoken once throughout the spanning of her life
Until the day she leaned forward, grinned and pulled the nurse aside
And she said:
"Look, I've never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven't pursued
I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done
So i've been the dream that I wanted to be since day one!"
Well!
The nurse jumped back,
She'd never heard Lucy even talk,
'Specially words like that
She walked over to the door, and pulled it closed behind
Then Lucy blew a kiss to each one of her pictures
And she died.

(Chorus x2)

1 2 3...
A B C...
COMMENT.

[07.01.03;02:39p]
deleted almost half of my journal entries. down to i think 41 including this one. and i might make most of them friends so i know who is seeing what.

update:
i made new icons, MYSELF! and they are ANIMATED!

anyone have ideas for making icons? i could even make someone an icon, just tell me what you want (a picture) and what you want it to say...

don't you just love me???
11 // COMMENT.

The Best Deceptions by Dashboard Confessional [07.01.03;11:53a]
The Best Deceptions
i heard about your trip. i heard about your souvenirs. i heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights, and the cool guys that you spent them with. well i guess i should have heard them from you. i guess i should have heard them from you. don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over? and all the "best deceptions" and "clever cover story" awards go to you. so kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that i let you. you will be back some day and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away. i heard about your regrets. i heard that you were feeling sorry. i heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. well, i guess i should have heard of that from you. i guess i should have heard of that from you. don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over? and all the "best deceptions" and the "clever cover story" awards go to you. so kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that i let you. you will be back some day and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away. i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers, i'll be all right when my hands get warm. ignoring the phone, i'd rather say nothing. i'd rather you'd never heard my voice. you're calling too late, too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long goodbyes. you're calling too late. you're calling too late. you're calling too late.
4 // COMMENT.

i always say the wrong thing... [06.30.03;09:17p]

i am terribly unpleased.
don't know why.
bought a skirt today.
and a pillowcase.
start counseling soon :|

vacation was fun, even though my family is insane...

RANDOM THINGS ABOUT IT
~ elevators with no old people rock ~ found a photobooth at Barefoot Landing, as you can see ~ "ROGER, LET GO OF THE ROPE!" & "Picture me on top of this here ceiling right now... Falling thru the d*mn thing!" & "... spouses at the time..." ~ fireworks and screaming random words ~ waking neil up ~ fascinated baby ~ Bubba trying to eat Oatmeal Cookie ~ "it gets... 'twisted'..." ~ elevators (too good not to mention again) ~

after shopping today,
i was carrying in some groceries and
fell trying to step over a baby gate
we have up to keep Bubba
in certain areas. a dry erase
board that was leaning against the
wall landed on top of me and
something hard hit my right knee
and i can now not bend it
all the way. i've iced it since
around ? and it still hurts to touch.
i cried and screamed words... yes...
words...
7 // COMMENT.

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