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Hankuz's Journal
You ever see those people that don't really mean much to until way the hell after? That's how she affected me, because you don't know what you have until its gone. I always tell myself sometimes, "but how could you be so stupid not to notice it?" She had all those underlying qualities I was looking for, and not to mention she was smokin hot. But I always have this fact stuck in the back of my head that a country girl and a city girl are two different people. She is everything I want, but can never have, because she only happens once in a lifetime. Especially being in my teenage years, she formed my preferences for what I look for in a mate. Even if it takes me a life time, I will find someone like her again...if not her. Her name is Lori H******k, and I met her in grade 10.
I just transferred from Meath Park to Canora Saskatchewan, and it's my first day at Canora Composite School. I picked the greatest day to start, because all the high school grades 9-12 went skiing that day at Assassippi ski resort. Everyone except her...I don't know if it was fate or what, but she was the only person of all the high school kids that didn't go. And there she was, with her long braided brunette hair sitting by herself in science class. My first impression was, "OK Hank, she is waaaayyyy the hell out of you league." I had a problem with self confidence at the time, because I was the one blamed at home, I just didn't have that stand-up attitude. This wasn't one of those love at first sight kind of situations. It was a whole different thing this time, which I was used to, because I am still experiencing new feelings. Imagine, if you had a three year plan, to build the structure and basis for a relationship. So instead of having love up front and fast, it would take a longer time to mature, so as a result the love was stronger and lasted longer.
For all of grade 10, (pretty much the time I was occupied with Nicole) I would see Lori with her boyfriend all the time. Even on my walks home after school, she would come cruising by with him all the time. He was like two years older than her, and to be completely honest, he wasn't the greatest looking. Makes me wonder sometimes, how the hell some of the ugliest guys end up with the hottest chicks. It wasn't until grade eleven, until she started to show interest, I guess she was just kind of sketchy about me being a new guy at school. I know that's how I am when it comes to meeting someone new, I take a while to warm up to them.
It all started that summer after grade 10....uhhohh got 2 go 2 work, I will finish this later on.
Current mood:
energetic.Current music: Dreamer-Akon feat Nexx Level.
Well like I said earlier, I did experience the one thing I was afraid of when it came to girls. Rejection hits everyone one time in life. But I fully understand why I was rejected, now that I really think about it. I was one completely confused creep kind of guy. Because what kind of a guy goes up to chick and tries to ask her out, out of the blue? uhhhh... me hahahaha But how the hell was I supposed to know how it went, I was just this guy hitting puberty not knowing a god damn thing about relationships or how to pick up a girl. But I am sort of glad I got rejected because it made me realize that not everything in life goes my way. So I did learn a lesson from it all, that the world doesn't revolve around me. I can't say that I didn't reject girls before, I had girls do the exact same thing to me. Some random chick that knew me somehow would come ask me out, out of the blue and I was stunned. I guess it just show's me how crazy love can make one person, because after all, when your in love, you are in a state of craziness.
Her name is Lindsay L***a, and she is in my Biology 30 class. I can really explain what attracted me to her in the first place, other than that she was older than myself. I was still caught up in the notion that older girls were more mature and better than younger ones. That was pretty stupid of me to think that, but I didn't really know much back then. Or I guess I was just waiting for something to fill the gap that formed inside me after Nicole was giving up on waiting. But I guess I just was looking for someone to be attached to, because after all, everyone just wants to be happy, no matter what you have to do.
I never did talk to her, which really makes me feel more like a creep. I would just see her every single day, at random places around Canora. Well she always drove this little silver Cavalier, and I would always see her drop off her friend after school, who lived like two houses away from me. She also worked at the dairy bar, and I would always go get a slush puppy every once in a while, when she was working. She was always smiling all the time, which is probably what set this notion off in my head that she was smiling because of me. Its pretty weird what kind of story you can build in your head over a big misunderstanding. I would actually wake up some mornings really happy, just because I had a dream of holding her in my arms. It was more of the fact that having someone to call my own that made me happy.
Yeah, but one day while I was at the park with my brothers and friends, I was growing the balls to go and ask Lindsay out. The music I was listening to played a big part in getting the courage to ask her out. I think I was listening to Jack Johnson's Waiting and Limp Biscuit's Faith. But I got up and went to go to the dairy bar where she was working, and ordered a blue raspberry slush puppy. When she gave it to me I said,"Uhhh Lindsay, do you think you could go out with me?" She looked at me kind of shocked and said,"I hardly even know you though." At this time, my mind was spinning in a way I never felt it spin before, probably because I never thought I would ever get this much courage. But it was almost like a dream, because it was just like the words were flowing through my mouth without control, there was no going back. I countered her statement with," Well I barely even know you, we could both get to know each other." Then she blew the line that shot me down. I mean she probably could of told me off the bat, but I think she wanted to let me down softly. She finally said,"I'm sorry Hank, but I have a boyfriend already (long pause) Sorry." I replied," Sorry if I freaked you out, and thanks for your time."
I have no clue as to why I was trying to be formal about the whole thing, but I guess I just wanted to show that I wasn't upset. I kept on telling myself, don't feel bad, you barely even knew her. And there was this other voice in my head saying, "Holy shit, you just got rejected for the first time," over and over. Part of me just wanted to laugh at it, because it was a new feeling. But deep down, I was kind of disappointed because I focused a lot of my feelings into this girl. I remember listening to this one song by Default, called Taking My Life Away. I focused all my feelings at the time into that song, so much that even if I hear it today, it still reminds me of the first rejection that happened in my life. It was kind of awkward going to class the next day, knowing what I did, but I just acted like everything was normal. I guess I could say that I just swallowed it all down, because I couldn't handle it all at the time. Come to think of it, I never spoke to a soul about it until now, and it feels like I released a part of me that was bugging me.
I'm not afraid to admit that I was kind of messed up in my teenage years. But when I think to myself sometimes, I think how fortunate I am, because some people get really fucked up worse that what I did. But who am I to say that? Its not like I know people from looking at them, there is always a bigger story underneath a person, when you think of it. We all wear masks no matter where we are, when I go to work I put on a mask, because if people knew the real me... I don't know. I guess i'm still kind of afraid to be myself sometimes, because of my family.
Well next time I am going to move on to the girl that completely programed my mind as to what I look for in a girl today. Well, what I look for physically anyways, the personality is another thing. I still wonder to this day, what if? That question probably crosses everyone's mind every once in a while. But she was the last girl I truly really like in my teenage years. Her name is Lori.
Current mood:
confused.Current music: Hope For Every Fallen Man- Relient K (acoustic).
I was originally going to type about Lindsay, but my brothers came here so I am going to have to so this another time. I really want to finish this, or get a good chunk of it done before I go to basic military qualification. I feel so much better everytime I write something off my chest, so I am thankful for blurty being here for me to release what I couldn't keep in.
Today was a good day though, her laid backness makes me feel happy...I had to move on some time, can't be sad and lonely forever.lol But she got embarrassed when she was around me today, hopefully tomorrrow is better.
Current mood:
busy.Current music: The lining is silver-Relient K.
Well...Canora was the place where all my teenage hormones finally kicked in. I am going to go on and start with the first one in Canora, her name is Nicole B****y. I had this notion in my head at the time that girls that were older than me were more mature. I don't know what the hell I was thinking about at that time, because I never had an immature girl anyways in the first place. But I first started to notice her when I was in her Biology class. I somehow got to take a grade eleven class when I was in grade ten. But she was smart, funny, and it just seemed like she was a girl to admire for her characteristics. When ever we passed each other in the hallway, we would always give each other this look...A look you can only experience when you really like somebody. She made me feel like I had purpose on this world, it was a feeling like no other. I know now, that feeling was like the fresh love at the beginning of every relationship.
I never did confront her about how I felt, mainly because I was afraid of rejection. Later on I get a good first taste of rejection:(...not from Nicole tho. I would find ways to be around her, because just to be in her presence made me feel sooo good. She was the same, because it seemed like what ever I was doing, she would be nearby with her friends. Like this time, I volunteered to supervise Track and Field for the younger grades. Well she was the only one from her class that volunteered to supervise too. Our little body language fling went on for the first semester I took at Canora Composite school. I still remember what feeling I felt when those last few days of the semester came around. It was like the ending of a great trip to somewhere nice, where you have to go back home and you don't want to. There was nothing to look forward to in my world at the time. Then the summer time came, and I would see her from time to time.
It's funny, now that I think about it, there was other girls in my class that would throw fierce hints at me about liking me. There was this one chick named Janicka, and she would say hi and ask me how my day was going, like every single day of the summer. But I was so occupied with Nicole and how she made me feel, that I blocked out any other girl. I mean, did you ever have girls in your class, take your picture at the most random time for no particular reason? Or girls just say the most obscene things to you, and you ignore them and act like you don't know what there talking about. Well that guy was me, I was never the kind of guy to go from girl to girl, it was like once I felt attachment to one girl, I was attached for a while.
The next semester came, and Nicole had moved on, she just couldn't wait and wait forever. She got a boyfriend in some other little town. How did I find that out? I remember one day in math class, I told my cousin Larissa that I liked Nicole, and she told me everything. It seemed like after that, everyone told me stories about how Nicole gets passed around and this and that. I never did believe all those stories, because I would have to hear them form her fist hand. Like my dad told me, "Hank, there's always two sides to the story, think before you judge."
I actually joined Air Cadets, because Nicole was a teacher in the cadet organization. I still remember joining that day, standing there beside my little brother, and the look on her face. I actually learned a lot from air cadets, it was a whole different experience. But it showed me this other side of Nicole, she was like this straight forward assertive girl. She was the squadron leader and when she yelled, she meant business if someone messed up drill. But I also seen a lazy side to her as well. I remember when she would teach classes to me and J, it was like she didn't give a rat's ass about what we did. She was kind of like, "OK...this is a plane." And then she was like,
"Just find something to keep yourselves busy." In the cadet core, I seen more of what her character was aside from school.
This is no lie, it is really what made me set my life career goal, or maybe it was just fate. But C and I had a Bio 30 test on a particular Friday. At the exact time of our test, there was a career session going on in a separate room for the RCMP. C and I signed up last minute and went and sat in that room to get away. The only other people in that presentation were Nicole and her friend, surprisingly.lol But the presentation went on and my science teacher came in the room exclaiming that C and I had a test. The RCMP officers explained that the presentation wasn't that long. Then C took it further and lied saying that we sighed up two weeks before. Because the sign up sheet was just outside the door. We got away from the test, and got to sit through an RCMP presentation. Well my brother had a hefty Youth record, so he wasn't interested in the RCMP. But the more I seen what they were about, the more I realized that I liked there job. And that day forward, I set my career to be an RCMP officer, ironic because Nicole was doing the same thing.
Graduation came for Nicole and she left to go to the University of Regina to take Pre-Police Studies, and follow her career path.
What do ya know, in the end of high school, I ended up following through with becoming RCMP. I applied for Pre-Police Studies and got accepted at the UofR. I hadn't seen Nicole in a full year, but I still remember the first time I seen her at the UofR. She was standing with her fellow "cop" buddies. She looked at me and said,"OMG Hank, come here I'd like you to meet some people!" I was scared, because I was a freshman and I just felt under-dressed and unimportant. So what did I do? I turned right around without saying a word and walked in the opposite direction. I just kind of felt like a loser at the time, because I never seen her in so long. I would pass her in the hallway, in the residence building on my walk to class every morning after that. She would be with her boyfriend sometimes, and I swear to god that every time she was with him, I would look at her and she would be pure red in the face. She gave this look of shyness and embarrassment at the same time, which was perplexing to me because of what I knew about her character already. I went to university for two and a half years and I would see her from time to time, but she would give me that perplexing look every time.
Then there was the last time I seen her at the university, it was during the last semester I took at the UofR before I dropped out. I was walking up the underground stairs, and as I walked up the stairs, her body slowly revealed itself to me from head to toe. She was sitting at a table, and the way she was sitting, it looked like she was waiting for somebody. Then she gave me a look that will be locked in my head till the end of time. There was a bit of excitement at first and then it turned into a"Ohhhhh" kind of look. And the way she looked deep into my eyes as I slowly walked by, it was like a look of, "I GIVE UP." I will never forget that look, because it was like the last spark I ever saw in her eyes.
But that's not it...just when I thought that I would never see her again, the impossible happened. I seen her like a month ago at Wal-Mart. I work at Wal-mart as an unloader, and I was pulling a skid of dog food. She came out of nowhere, and she looked at me and I said,"Hey" in kind of a forced tone. She didn't say a thing, and she just kept walking on by herself. Here I was thinking, shit...I wonder what she thinks about me moving down from university to go work at Wal-Mart. And to be honest, that was just the self-conscience ass speaking to me, because the real me don't give a shit. Because you got to move one step at a time, even if you have to start at the bottom. I was really surprised, that of all the places in Saskatchewan, she shows up at the Wal-Mart I work at. At this point in time, every chance of making anything work feels dead to me. I wouldn't mind being a friend, but sometimes I don't think that is even possible, because of a choice I made a long time ago. But I still don't know...I mean who really does?
Current mood:
grateful.Current music: You'll Always Be My Best Friend-Relient K.
Well, this one's name was Elysha F*****t. To be completely honest, I never did pay that much attention to her because she reminded me of the cheerleader type of chick. She was like this blonde chick that was the most popular, and most attractive chick in my class. The girls I hung around with would always talk about how they didn't like her type, and how she acted. She was literally the popular princess that had everything she wanted, except she was smart and not a REAL blonde lol.
Ok, this attraction did not happen until like two months before I was going to leave Meath Park. My buddies that came over for lunch on random occasions would ask me how come I never jumped on her. They would tell me how much she would talk about wishing I was her boyfriend and stuff like that. About how she thought I was so cute and this and that. That's when it finally occurred to me how she acted around me. You see, because I was in the same class that my girl-buddies were in, I tried to block Elysha out because I knew how they felt about her. So when she did talk to me, I would be like oh yeah in a, "I don't really care" kind of tone. So when I finally found out how she felt about me, there was kind of a mixed emotion that went on inside me. One side was like, I can't believe this is for real, I can finally have a girl to call my own:) And the other side was like, "Your buddies won't approve of her and she is so out of your league." Also, your moving in like two months and you barely know her, What makes you think it will work? It was like alot of pessimistic thinking overcame me at that time. And in the end, I felt sad for leaving her without saying anything. I never did tell a soul until now how I felt about her.
I still remember the very last time I seen her. I was at the Yorkton Regional High School watching a volley ball tournament. I got up to go use the can and as I opened the gym doors, there she was in front of me! The sun was shining behind her and also right into my eyes, it was like I was blinded by her light. Just the sudden rush that overcame me at that very moment, made me feel like I was in a dream. We chatted for a bit, seems her team made it to provincials and they traveled all the way south to compete. But I just let it rest, because I thought to myself, that sometimes things just aren't meant to be. But I'll never forget that day...
Current mood:
optimistic.Current music: Smile in your Sleep-Silverstein.
I have been kind of putting off typing about Cathrine because, I am starting to understand more. I have been trying hard to block HER... out, and it seems like the more I do that, the more I drift away. Cy... is like one of the main reasons I decided to do this shit in the first place. Now it seems like the more I just ignore everyone else, but my family. The more I can focus on what matters to me ;)
Well I met Catherine at about the same time as Kelita, they were both friends after all. But I was kind of skeptical about Catherine at first because she had a upfront attitude. It was like she didn't really give a shit if she knew me or not, she was just kind of open at first. So it took me a while to get used to her. I mean I was surprised when she phoned me at home, two weeks after I moved to Meath Park. She told me that she knew I was different than the other people at school.
I even remember when we would send little notes back and forth in class, and when she would get caught, I would laugh at her about it later:) I didn't really have any kind of physical attraction toward her, she was basically a good friend and that was it. Cathrine was really into astronomy and psychics and all that shit. She would tell me countless things about star signs and how everything is connected, and as a result, today I believe in my horoscope. We would talk on the phone for about twenty minutes at a time, just about what was going on and what people were doing, so yeah she made me like a grape.
The one thing I learned off Cathrine was how girls function. I know it sounds funny, but being like fifteen, I wanted to know about how girls thought and what they expected. She even told me all about a girls menstrual cycle, which was like Health class 101 lol. She would often make a sexual reference to whatever we talked about, but I ignored it because I wasn't really fully developed enough to understand yet. She told me what the majority of girls wanted out of guys when it came to dating and relationships. Cathrine even explained to me why sometimes girls can get really bitchy, and she even reminded me that sometimes she could be like that.
I hung around with Cathrine and her sister most of the time because she lived in Meath Park at the time. But it seems like when I moved to Canora, we just slowly started to drift apart. That was until like grad time, when out of the blue she phoned me somehow. She wanted me to be her escort for her graduation. I thought to myself why the hell not? I will get to meet up with all my old class mates and have a hell of a time. So I drove about 350 clicks to go be her escort when the time came. A lot of stuff changed since the last time I saw her. Cathrine had new friends and she had different priorities in life...it just wasn't the same. Everyone grows up I suppose, but it hit me then, what if I didn't want to grow up? After her grad was over and done with, I asked her to be my escort and she agreed, which was nice. So I drove to Meath Park to go get her and then I drove her back after it was done.
Which brings me to my grad party that I just remembered right now. Well I ended up throwing my own grad party, even though I never drank before. I bought three cases of cold shots and some coolers with some 151;). That was the night that Cathrine actually started to show her feelings for me. Like they say, booze brings out the true side of someone. Well thank god I invited Tyler to the party because he saved my ass lol. He was spitting a whole bunch of "love junk" in Cathrine's ear that night. Every one was asking me how come I wasn't trying to score up my escort, because I drove like four one way trips to go get her. Well everyone didn't understand how I took Cathrine as a friend and that's it. Well anyways, Tyler ended up blowing his load in her, on my older brother C's bed. I still remember that night like yesterday...lol. My little bro J came up to me hammered as hell, he told me he seen Cathrine and Tyler laid out naked in the other room. In fact, everyone at my little party seen them naked, everyone except me. I mean com'on I am sober, there's no way in hell I am going to see something like that. But I was sitting in the living room and Cathrine came in and sat beside me, she said,"well that was stupid." She explained to me how Tyler told her how he was going to look after her and all this. When it came to sex, she told me he only lasted for like a minute before he said umm passing out lmfao. I didn't really want to know the details, all I cared about was that he saved my ass. Tyler ended up getting his eyebrow shaved off that night too lol. But that night, I think Cathrine understood that I wasn't going to be some rebound guy. I just didn't feel that way about her, but she never gave up.
I seen her like two years later after that, we had coffee and talked about what was happening in our lives. She was still hung up on me for some reason, I was like her dream guy or something. Makes me wonder sometimes.(I now know how Cy feels about me wanting her, the feeling is just not there and I understand that now) But yeah, my little brother J was in a tight spot, so I asked Cathrine if he could stay with her for a little while. She agreed and in the end, my little brother J lasted at her place for about five or six months. Cathrine ended up kicking my little brother out, saying he had to do a lot of growing up. I seemed like it happened shortly after an evening we had together with my little brother J and his girlfriend. She had quite a bit to drink and I was dropping her off at her house. She sat in the car and told me to look her in the eyes and see something. I kind of knew where this was going, because it seemed like every time she got drunk, she got super courage. She asked me to kiss her and I laid on a rejection convo on her like it was laid on me so many times before:( I told her that she was just a friend, that it would be weird if I got serious with her. She was like the sister I never had after all, I didn't mean to break her heart. But like pops said you pay for everything and it came back around to me later on in a hurt I never experienced before. My little brother J told me that the whole time he lived with her, she gave an attitude like she expected something out of me for letting him stay there.
But my little brother J told me that she wasn't the right one, because she was scandalous. She actually slept with her sisters boyfriend, and she just wasn't the same as in high school. I still see her from time to time, usually with a different boyfriend. I can't help but notice sometimes that her boyfriends look very similar to me.... She still gives me that feeling like she still wants me to make a move, or she will always be waiting. I just see it as an obsession, but it really is a deadly circle as you will find later on.
Current mood:
numb.Current music: Tila tiquila live stream, she's singing lil wayne Millie.
I was thinking real hard at work today and it just occured to me that I am writing more about why the hell I never had a girlfriend before. I wanted to find out what went wrong, and I am begining to understand more. More memories came to me random about growing up, things I thought I forgot, but didn't. So because everything is already mixed up already, I will add in my other life experiences later on.
I don't know how this next girl, Katherine, is so obsessed with me, but I think I know how she feels. After all, I am still obsessed with a girl I met like two years ago, so I am no different. I was going to write the next part, but I am thinking about what I shouldn't be thinking about. And I thought I was over that already, its like it just keeps on dragging on. Hopefully by the end of this I will have moved on...stupid girl :(
Current mood:
lonely.Current music: Here in the real world-Allan Jackson.
Every time I write an entry or as the days go by, I think about what I am writing. I mean, like I said before, there is alot of stuff that I am going to type that is completely personal. I wouldn't even tell my best friend, if I had one. But I feel safe typing down everything here, even if this is viewable publicly. Because there is like 10 million other entries on this site, and whats the odds that someone I know is going to find this? Well that is unless I tell someone about it, and I am still debating that at this time. I am far from done what I started, but as the days pass, I feel like I can finally move forward. Every little piece I write takes the weight of my mistakes off my chest. I understand...
Well her name is Kelita K********y and she is fifteen just like me. I still remember the day I walked into that classroom in 2002, everyone was expecting me to be someone else, but she seen the real me. Well she told me later on that she knew I was different than my apperance showed. She hung around in a group of four girls, Cathrine, Amanda, and Rebecca. I don't know how we started to talk on the phone, but if I recall, she phoned me. When we talked, we talked about anything that we could imagine. like our lifestyles and what we wanted to do with our lives after school. I often asked her about girls and what made them act how they did. She taught me alot about girls, because I was like just barely hitting puberty, physically and emotionally. I actually started to phone her after that, but got scared if her dad picked up. I didn't want to seem like this typical guy that just wanted to get in his daughters pants. Because honestly I was just looking for a friend. There was pressure from her friends when I would talk to them, they would be like,"You love her." And I would tell them no I don't, because I really didn't have those kind of feelings for her, she was just someone I could talk to and thats it, I never wanted to go further than that. Sometimes she would talk a little sexual to me, but I never took the hint, I just wasn't fully developed to accept those feelings.
Kelita often told me about how hard her life was at home, because she was a passive person when it came to her family. Her dad was really aggressive, and she was teased alot because of her choices.
Well I thought it was a good idea for her to live with my family, and I joked about it a first. But then Kelita was serious about it and I asked my dad and he said yeah. Kelita's parents offered to pay my dad for taking her for a couple of months, but my dad refused anything they offered because he was a supporter, especially with his good paying job. It was really different having a girl in the house, because I was raised up with four brothers. Kelita was a vegetarian first of all, so she had her own special food. She got her own room, so I had to move in with my little brother, which was hell at the time because we didn't get along. Everything had to be just "special" for her, which was different because me and my brothers were brought up to not be fussy with what we had. Everything was going just fine and we were living in harmony... for about a month.
I am not going to say what my two brothers C and J did, with or to Keita. This story is about my experiences and not theirs. I remember this one time, I found Kelita's journal and she caught me grabing it. I know I was a monster for reading it, but honestly, for everything bad I did, I ended up paying for it in the end. Like my dad told me many times, "In this life Hank, you pay for every wrong you do...even if your gone, your kids or family will pay for it, Remember that." I locked myself in the bathroom and read her diary, and I laughed about it at the time. Mainly because I was trying to impress my brothers, because they would laugh at me if I had a journal. It was wrong for me to do that because later on, my privacy got invaded and I felt like shit. I thought to myself, now I know how Kelita felt, and I would never invade someone's privacy again, because I experienced it.
I would get cheecky from time to time, because at that time, I was kind of a wild neechee still, and Kelita was a white girl. I guess most of it came from me trying to act like my brothers, even though there was another me underneath. But yeah, I would sit by the door when she took baths and just talk to her about anything. I would joke about opening the door on her and she would be like"go ahead, I got a towel on anyways." I think I tramatized her because she would come out of the bathroom everytime with a wet towel.
Kelita would get crazy from time to time, because I read in her diary that she had a crush on my older brother C. I guess you can say that I felt jealousy for the first time, compliments of puberty. But it made me work harder to be in Kelita's favor. It was a wierd feeling, because it was like, I didn't want to be her boyfriend or love her, but I did want her attention all to myself. It's kind of a twisted mixed up feeling, because I didn't know what I wanted. But her emotions flew like every teenage girl, and some days she would be all suicidal and poping any pills she could find, an other days just be the coolest chick. She was really confusing to follow sometimes.
And then there is the indident I mentioned earlier...I wish I was more organized, but your just going to have to bare with me on this one. My parents went out of town for the weekend and it was just me, my brothers C and J, and Kelita. Well one particular night, Kelita and I decided to stay up all night just talking. We got into talking about yoga, because she practiced yoga and pilates. She showed me her flexibility, which was very impressive, because I could never do anything like that. Then it was time to go to bed and, C passed out on her bed so her choices were the couch or my bed. Well I didn't want to sleep on my bed so I laid on the couch. She didn't want to sleep on my bed, so instead she just jumped on top of me and tried to sleep on top of me. I told her to get off and she was all giggly and kind of flirty. I was going to squeeze her nipple because she told me earlier, that it really annoyed girls when you bothered thier brests. Well it doesn't work on kinky girls, I would be lying if I said I wasn't being kinky either. I went to grab and squeeze her nipple and my hand ended going under her shirt and bra, so I was squeezing her bare breast. I honestly wasn't trying to go under her shirt, because I know your probably thinking"Sure you weren't" in the most sarcastic voice. Things got wierd after that, because I was feeling physically unstable at the time. I know she was expecting me to make a move on her, but I just didn't have the balls to, because there was so much pressure to perform. Especially after thinking about what happened when I was like seven.
Well the next day in school was akward for me because Kelita went and told everyone at school what happened the night before. I was so embarrased, because I thought she was going to keep that beween us. Everyone had thier laugh at me especially the guys because I never "took it the whole distance." It made me look like a pussy in the guy world, especially because I hung around with girls to. I felt so betrayed after that, like I could never trust anyone like her again, especially after all we had been through. I never did tell her how bad I felt and why, I just blocked her out because I felt I couldn't trust her. It all came back to me again the rule my dad told me,"Hankster, there's no such thing as a true friend, because if they ever turn their back on you, in the end blood is thicker than water and your family will always be there, remember that."
She also told everyone that she gave my older brother C a blow-job, and she told people how big he was. It upset C alot, so myself and C pushed to get her out of the house. She lived with me for about two and a half months, and the day she moved out, I will never forget her tears that fell. But I was so hung up on her betraying my trust so much that I blocked her emotions out completely. She went to live back with her family that she hated so much, but I was just a teenager entering puberty, I didn't understand a god-damned thing. I contacted her when I was in my first year of university, and I wrote a long apology as to what me and my brothers did to her. She accepted my apology and she told me about the new, better life she currently has, now that she is on her own. I will never forget her...
Current mood:
lonely.Current music: Life on Standby- Hawthorne Heights.
I sit here and think all the time about how hard it is to follow along on just what the hell I am trying to say. I should have taken more time on organization, but there is so much to say. I just say what ever comes to my mind, because as I recall these memories, like a day later a new memory will come forward. So it can get confusing at times, but thats good for me because maybe I don't want people to see it my way, kind of like an encoded message.
I want to talk about all the girls that I liked in my whole little teenage life. I know what it sounds like, but I moved around quite a bit. It wasn't this one girl that I grew up with my whole life senario that lucky guys on TV get. It changed from time to time, but I believe that every single girl that moves you, takes a little piece of your heart everytime.
The first time I actually started liking girls would have to be when I was in grade three, her name was Brittany. This is the girl I stated earlier, when my older brother C embarrased me by yelling out that I liked her. Yeah what a good way to start out my love life lol. I liked her because she always shared her stuff with me and that indescribable feeling was there. Like people say, it was puppy love first hand and thats all it was. The next girl didn't come until like grade seven, her name was Megan. I rode the bus with her to and from school every single day. She had this little flirty attitude, like she somehow knew I liked her, but she would tease me. When we would talk, it was like there was this tension between us, and I didn't know how to handle that yet. I mean, I was so unsure about what was going on in terms of relationships that even if I did get in one, I wouldn't know what to do. I used that as an excuse to hold back alot of the time. I couldn't possibly let her know how i felt, because I didn't want to look like a complete idiot.
The next girl that I liked, I actually met her in the sixth grade, but I didn't like her until like grade nine. Her name was Jenna-Lee and I first met her when I was going to Saltcoats school, but I didn't really think anything of it. It happened when her friends came and told me that she liked me, ever since I left her school like two years ago. Its funny how I ended up in the only high school in Yorkton district. So basically all the elementary school kids that I went to school with earlier, were now all going to the same school. But yeah, she was a twin, who looked nothing like her twin sister, they had different personalities. I had a hard time believing that a girl like her would like me, so I got pretty nervous around her whenever I seen her. Because when I know that she likes me and she knows that I know, its like a whole different story. You can't hide behind anything, so talking with her became kind of akward.
Its funny how the people that YOU like are the ones that stay in your mind forever almost and the GIRLS that like you kind of fade if you don't like them. I had girls like that, that would come straight out and try tell me their fellings, but I would be so preoccupied with likeing someone else, that I would pass up the oportunity. A real dick move on my behalf, but its not good to regret now. But it did happen quite often for some reason:(
After all that, shit really kicked into gear as I hit the tenth grade. I just moved to Meath Park and I was in the same grade as my big brother C. I was still a small ass little guy waiting for my growth spurt, I was like 5"5. There was two particular girls that I talked to when I first went to Meath park school. Id like to go over them separately, as I learned so much from them.
The first girl I am going to... actually I'll leave it for next time because it's like a whole story and a half.
Current mood:
productive.Current music: Tortures of the Damned-Bayside.
I know all of the stuff I write is hard to follow, I should have paid more attention to my organization. It's just that when I try to recall my memories, it comes in little bits and pieces. I have no intention in any of my family reading this, so thats why some of the stuff I type is different. Because god only knows what would happen if they read this and found out. I want to cover a great amout of my life on girls, because it shaped the way I think about them today.
Well...remember when I was living in Matheson in Y-town? It was the same place that me and my brothers were joyriding in that old car earlier. Well I was like seven I think or eight, I don't know really, but I did know that I was in like grade one. The house was always full of people(relatives) that would stay with us, so everyone was always in close quaters. I remember there was always kids like me around the house, but mainly girls. You can see where I am going with this already. Well this one particular day, I was coloring on my bed and my girl cousin came up to me and tackled me on the bed and just started kissing me and touching me all over. Well, being the curious bastard I was, I went along with it all, I mean its not like anyone was telling me in my ear,"this is wrong." No I was just a kid, that wanted to grow-up faster than I really should have. So it went on for about two weeks, we actually went down to the basement and "attempted sex." First of all, I am too young to even penetrate, so it was like rubbing our bodies and thats it. But in my mind, I just wanted to be grown-up, plus I was curious, but the whole idea didn't make much sense to me yet. I wasn't done right there, I remember like six months after that, more people came to live with us. I never knew her name or even who she was, but I remember playing "house" with her. It was all about touching, she touched me all over and I touched her all over. And that was it, I only seen her for like two days I think, or either I just can't recall my memories that clearly. These events that happened early in life would just pave the way for an even worse senario that I would face later in my teen years.
When I was seventeen years old, my childhood mistakes came back to haunt me. I was going to visit my uncle in toon town, and I haven't seen my uncle in a while. Well, my cousin was just entering puberty, so she was like fourteen years old. I right away noticed how she treated me differently, she had this sexual attiude toward me, kind of in a flirty way. Even my mother noticed it and she told me not to get to close to my little cousin, because the way she presented herself around me. Well, one night because of limited sleep space, I got stuck sleeping in her room. When it was time to go to sleep, she opened up in a way that was familiar to me almost ten years ago. She laid there on top of me, and there was this huge battle going on inside of my head. We had our clothes on and she was waiting for me to get involved with her the way she was with me. I kept on thinking in my head,"Fuck Hank, she's your fucking cousin, you knew her since she was little, whats the fuck is wrong with you?!?!" Then there was the physical part of me, wanting to get my virginity off the way already so I could move forward. Well, when it came down to it, my rational won, and I pushed her off and just went to sleep...blue balls never hurt so much.
I apoligized to my little cousin the next morning, and explained to her that physical can sometimes get out of control, but you have to try hard to control it. I kept thinking to myself, boy am I fucking glad nothing happened, because if anything did happen, I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I still do feel guilty for what happened, but I realized that is what happens when you condition your mind when your a kid, about whats right and whats wrong. She still does expect me to try somthing now that we are older, but I can't look at her in that kind of way. I never wanted to tell anyone, because it seems like my family would disown me if they found out.
But yeah, that was just one of the many skeletons in my closet, and that one was honestly one of the hardest ones to get out. I'm suprised that I didn't need any booze to get that shit out, but everyone moves one step at a time when something thats bugging them comes out finally. Were all human after all, I mean no ones perfect, were all fucked up in our ouw little way, but that doesn't mean we can't try to better ourselves.
Current mood: Shameful.
Current music: Curl Up and Die- Relient K.