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Fluently Angered

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[25 Aug 2003|12:53am]
[ music | at your funeral - saves the day ]

This song will become the anthem of your underground. Youre two floors down getting high in the back room. If I flooded out your house, do you think youd make it out, or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs? And at your funeral I will sing the requiem. Id offer you my hand but it would hurt too much to watch you die. And you can bet when we mourn the death of you that night that theyll lay me on the dinner table and I will be the pig with the apple in my mouth, the food that celebrates your end. -- At Your Funeral -- saves the day

I need to cry.

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dad pissed me off again [20 Aug 2003|11:37pm]
I ask the mother fucker if I can use his mother freaking digital camera and he cannot hear me, so I ask again and he cannot hear me. Then he starts being an asshole by raising his voice and freaking out because he can't hear me. So I tell him that he doesn't have to yell, infering that I am not deaf I can fucking hear you and am altering whatever the fuck is bothering you. But then he really flips out and ORDERS me away from him in some sort of angry fit. 2 or possibly 3 words Motherfuck You. What the fuck goes through your mind, I tell you you dont have to yell and you yell some fucking more? Whats your deal? I just want to be able to draw my own nose and my eyeball and you fucking flip out. Daddy dearest you tend to be a heartless cold bastard when you least need to be. What the fuck is your problem? You can't hear me so you yell at me? And then you freak out and completely deny me any fucking explanation. That's just great of you. It's great how you enforce that good old communication. But why the fuck did you yell at me? May I ask, who shoved a giant pineapple up your ass? No you aren't an SER but you are a jackass sometimes. What was the cause of you bitching and moaning? And Mother isn't any help when I tell her why I hate asking my Dad for anything she gets defensive and tells me to suck it up. Why don't you try sucking it up whenever you ask for a simple thing like math help when he attacks you with his tone of voice. Or when he makes you feel like a complete idiot because you can't do squat under pressure. Or maybe when he shuts you out completely because he is pre-occupied. I can undestand the pre-occupation but fuck yourself silly and then say Hi. It wouldn't hurt anymore then the lack of your doing so does already. I bet you'll be happy when I get all those good marks at the cost of my sanity. God, sometimes I feel like smacking my Dad over the head. My parents are very fucking stubborn. They are conservative folk, who don't believe in many of the things I stand for. Well maybe not stand for but agree with, at least in some cases. Wow, look how fast I can type. They think bodily piercings are unappealing and ugly, they think tatoos are a no no, they think Christianity is the shit, they think "rock" is sinful, they think swearing should be abolished, they think their rules are the rules of my world and they think homosexuality is wrong. No, not bad, but wrong, and good cause for damnation. I think they are very good people and very good parents just not open minded about North American culture or at all sensitive or aware of my over-emotional tendencies. They always ask, "Why the long face?" and I always tell them nothing. I tell them nothing because I like it this way. I like always having to keep it in and I like dumping my emotional crap on my brother and my friends. I've learnt that big sister is good for opinions and stuff like that but not for emotions, for emotions I turn to the other Thursday born. Ugh. I need to do something else rather than store anger that is unnecessary. What is up with Dad? Is scaring his daughter into a rage what he does when he is grieving? If it is it's working. Fuck it all, and remember... The difference between you and I is that you are wearing underwear.

August.7.2003. 7:28PM
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[30 Jun 2003|04:42pm]

After this post everything is friends only. I dont know how or why, but I was fiddling with the Blurty controls and that's just what happened.

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another wrenched from the archives of crappy poetry [28 Jun 2003|12:59pm]




he holds me
grasps my attention with his dark ways
the inner turmoil is so great yet so subtle it only highlights his eyes
the empty dark welcoming portals draw me
they put a cute flirtatious smile on my face
odd rumble in my stomach
the accent in his voice wraps me 'round his finger
the succulent almost tasty ramble puts me in a state of swooning
but then my sad empty heartless eyes snap open and I realize the truth
dreaming is fatal
he isn't real
she can be emulated as a fictional male
but i will never have her
the longing i hold torments constantly
as can he to his
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from the archives [28 Jun 2003|12:56pm]
The mention of a poem tore at my heart
the questioning of my personification ripped it out
my lack of understanding puts me at a loss
as she found no out
words will substitute feelings
the 4 words
i am so sorry
will never be the truth
you are more than sorry you are fiending
as i do
as i shouldnt do
my wounds afresh and new
holds not room for antibodies
the infection of light is not there
all i want to know is why
hes not here
is he protected
was he truly innocent
are his sins washed away as my tears should be
for my tears never leave my face
they seeped through
found a place to rest and forever erode
my heart
halted between wonder and hate
i can attend two picnics
twin or preemie
ive never been to a twin picnic
she never lets me
i notice that she ask
do i think of him
i never stop thinking of him
he is with me
he is not here
he is my gift that i use
he is functional
he is
no body really knows how i feel
i may not even feel
but, in these brief moments
for once i do feel
the writing does not help ease my pain
i wonder why i cant just drop off and leave
or would that cause too much ironic pain for those around me
i dont care
i want it to stop
accepting this wont help me
no one but the one who denies me can help me
do i trust him
he is the one who does for a reason
but i dont know what is reason for this was
to make my family stronger
to make me strong
but i am weak
i am a feather in a ravaging tempest
no one can catch me
i dont ever land
i flutter
i cry
i burn
i want him
and i want peace
if i stop writing i will feel worse
i dont want to face reality
i dont like it when im hurt
i like to protect myself
but i cant protect myself from the past
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if wax bounces shouldnt people? [21 Jun 2003|11:22pm]
and the stingy ways your eyes follow mine
remind me of that ancient time
when i cared for you and you for me
and now the wool is gone
and my eyes can see
the disgusting way you had your twisted way with me
my individuality stripped from my bones my being derived from mechanical drones
no more need to confide into you
not after all the horrible things you put me through
the words tore at my heart ripping it apart
vein upon vein was put under strain
the pain never will cease
and never shall either souls find peace
my way will be done
with the ways of a gun
the safety long forgotten
my soul will forever lay rotten
lying rancid in the hills
all becasue i threw back a few too many pills

this was made in may... so not too long ago. my god im bitter.
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[15 Jun 2003|07:50pm]

eyes shining with pure hate
looking for others to dedrade
barring youre teeth/ defend the mother hole
working with the sheath
to denounce the stripping pole
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[13 Jun 2003|09:40pm]
how do we block out the false words
leave them astray for the foragig birds
the one who seems to hover above
covers my mouth with a silencing glove
denying me the right of opinion
forging the word of sin
placing it on my forehead
not permitting me to be led
leaving me in the dark basement
forcing me into unjust encagement
a prisoner of war
i will not tolerate this anymore
my tongue will no longer be silent
my motives will not be violent
i scratch at the barriers making a mark
silently im left the last to embark
they left me all alone and secluded
my primal insticts have been uprooted
i choose now to throttle your neck
because you yes you have created this wreck
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[29 May 2003|09:51pm]

theres no space left for the emptiness
the air isnt being allowed in
what ever could lead me to this
its strange its making me something ive never been
an angel of the hated word
sending anger to and fro
nestling in places id never go
making sure its piercing cry is heard
this void was only a mere crevice a cut before i met you
you opened my chest ripped out my soul leaving me with nothing to prove
each day i long for the touch of my soul
but all i discover is my empty hole
waiting to be full
the days roll on without regard
melting into one large sum
the weeks are griping forever remaining hard
not knowing when the day is night
the birds have yet to come
they fly and chirp unknowing to my flight
the searing opening is still a void
one that needs to be closed
this void was only a mere crevice a cut before i met you
you opened my chest ripped out my soul leaving me with nothing to prove
each day i long for the touch of my soul
but all i discover is my empty hole
waiting to be full

im very tired
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[23 May 2003|11:25pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | untiled # 1 - sigur ros ]

burying the anger
thinking nothing of the pain i brang her
my sign is flashing danger
soon i will see the face of the one who lay in the manger
the hurt pricked my side further more than a burr
think i deserve to die?
i concour
for i believe its time i meet the good and holy sir
for nothing you fools have said will detour
my kind of one way cure
that enables me to take a tour
of hells crafty gates
no matter how many waves my death makes

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[07 May 2003|06:33pm]
this was written by drunken_monkey who wants me to post it

I feel tears drowning my eyes as i type.
Pain throbs in my head,
with every word the pain becomes more intence, more meaningful.
hate and mis-understanding fly from my every pour.
maybe we were brought into thios world as christians not for christ but in the hope that our loved ones will always be herer for us, and us for them.
Maybe the school is using us to get votes.
Maybe I will become a nothing destined to wander the cold barren streets alone.
should my eyes blur reality with my hopes.
If only i could weild my own reality,
one where i could be speacial
unique and me without persecution
one where i am left alone to my thoughts
perhaps people hate me so much that i am just picking up on there hate like radiation and that is why i am bitter at them
could it be that i am not really here
could it be that this too is just a dream and that if i do kill myself there would be no point for i owuld wake up again.
if only my life were like i hoped then i could be happy
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[12 Apr 2003|09:53pm]
[ mood | exasperated ]
[ music | rise like the sun - i mother earth ]

and then the man in your mind welcomes you into his realm of velvety satin darkness where you are one with the pen and paper and roughness of you rtexture never fails to astound you in the most. you stroke the texture he brings to you and you create chronological magic. --- the monumental damage your beuatiful heartfelt texturized words bring to the world are painful to the mind body and soul. you dont understand why they shun you. why they cant accept you for who you are. they only see a litle man in a mask. you see and brave audacious defiant rebel wearing the ways of societ. wearing the linen that must ultimatley be shed. the string ripples as you decide your fate. and in the end only darkness trully knows. for the final time you enter velvets kitchen and this time you decide to stay. you stay until mother die can see you. can decide for you your fate. yet she shirks your choices and you choose to fuck them all over in the best way you can. you wont kill them, they dont deseve that pleasure. you choose rather to destroy them. you mangle your skin with a blade and carve the owrdss that are your life. "i cant live with all ofyour unrealistic gooals and pressures. human life is not fit for demons like you. you shun me as i wear what you do. as you can never trully understand me. not even when i write my words on my wrists so i choose now to simply end it all and so i leave a signature mark for you all to find me." and with that you bring the blade that glistens with a sinister edge and trully decide your own fate.

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[17 Mar 2003|07:25pm]
[ music | some rap/r&b crap thats on the radio..... ]

sweet sweet lulling words for you all...... somewhere i belong by linkin park

Somewhere I belong
[Verse 1] (Mike)

(When this began.)
I had nothing to say.
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
(I was confused.)
And I live it all out to find, but I'm not the only person with these
things in mind.
(Inside of me.)
But all that they can see the words revealed.
Is the only real thing that i got left to feel.
(Nothing to lose.)
Just stuck, hollow and alone.
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.


I wanna heal, I wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

[Verse 2] (Mike)

And I've got nothing to say. I can't believe I didn't fall right down on
my face.
(I was confused.)
Look at everywhere only to find.
It is not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I.)
What do I have but negativity.
Cuz I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me.
(Nothing to lose.)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone.
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

[Verse 3] (Chester)

I will never know myself until I do this on my own.
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.
I will never be anything til' I break away from me.
I will break away. I'll find myself today.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, Like I'm Somewhere I belong...
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, Like I'm Somewhere I belong...
Somewhere I belong...

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[03 Mar 2003|09:55pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | the buzzing and cracking of the chinchilla and hamster thing ]

car il n y a pas de frontiers de sange je suis libre. le monde est une place tres tres froid pour moi. le vent est une message. une message avec beacoup d'importance. je naime pas cette message. la message est un message avec hereux lettres dans la. le message frapper sir mon porte sur mon chateau. je suis triste. moi et le vent se battre. je me reveille. il y a le sange sur mon lit. il y a le sang sur ma jambe. je ne suis pas moi.

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facts [16 Feb 2003|01:14pm]
my name is yaa.
i am fourteen.
i was born in july.
i am the result of a c section.
i am a twin.
i am a lesbian.
i am suicidal.
i am a girl.
i am bitter.
i hate a lot of things.
i brood.
i have a bad temper.
i have a sense of humour.
i have a cynical mind.
i have a dirty mind.
i dont give two fucks.
i care way too much.
i dont show my emotions.
i am very emotional.
people are cruel.
my english teacher intimidates me.
i like collecting soap.
i like making crafts.
im artistic to a point.
im very unreasonable.
im open minded to the point where my brain doesn't fall out.
i like my space.
i dont like being bogged down with work.
i procrastinate.
i honestly want to be dead right now.
i doubt myself.
i want a hug.
you can all go bum a ride to my least favourtie place and see if i give two shits.
i hate myself.
i hate labels.
i hate trying to figure out the big picture.

argh. you people piss me off. i really dont understand why we cant just get along.
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[15 Feb 2003|11:00pm]
the levels of endorphins being released is magical, the opening flowing with life, the life flowing out, spreading to others, the drain reaches all.
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u just brightened my day [13 Feb 2003|06:01pm]
well hahahahahahahahahahahaha! lauren you brightened my day. here. (gives lauren a cookie) u you remeber that conov? prolly not.
You're YAA!!! You're cute, fun, weird, and sweet on
the outside, but on the inside you're mean,
ruthless, evil, and deadly. You want to grab
everyone by the throat and rip out their
esophagus with a bear trap. You also like
bondage. And bestiality. You are NotLauren's
Mistress and you also enjoy shooting off
philosophical and poetic phrases, intriguing or
frightening those around you. You are going to
become a witchdoctor when you grow up.

Which of NotLauren's friends are you?
brought to you by Quizilla heh heh! im an affro dog! hahahahahahaha.
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for tiffany the little cunt [13 Feb 2003|04:14pm]
the miniscule writing represents my respect for you
my feelings are released like the gates at a zoo
you used to be my chigger, my prep, my fucked up little boo'
but because we betray each other i have no idea what the fuck you want me to do
its almost like this was expected like i shoulda knew
that you would be that bitch you are
the stupid little poo
my confidence and brute force have more than flew
they have sealed themselves tight and screamed screw you
the only thing i can seem to do
is brood about how much i would enjoy getting even with you
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Ventriloquist Love [09 Feb 2003|08:10pm]
my ventriloquist love fills me with voracious desire
my need and long for you will never tire
poetic flow and confidence in me is what you inspire
i hope that one night we will just perspire and perspire
because this ventriloquist love will sure as hell start a fire
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Geyser [25 Jan 2003|12:19pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I feel like writing a poem about a geyser. I don't know why, or even how to spell geyser, but I want to any way.

Sorry to say i feel left out
Not to make you feel bad though
I just wish I was more patient with you
I'm peeved for missing out on the fun
The blankness of my creative genious
Is telling me something
This isnt in anyway poetic
But I feel better now
Light hearted but not truly serene
I felt better not knowing the happy frilly much fun story
Or maybe I just want to be pittied
Whatever the reason for this display
The only thing I'm certain of is this
My character is frayed
My emotions are charred
But my sense of duty is never muffled

Well so much for the poem about geysers... Whatever. This poem needs a title.

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