| I am a rock, i am an island.. and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries |
[30 Oct 2005|10:53pm] |
I've been updating too much lately. but i like this journal better since no one reads it. feels like i can write what i actually think.
Its getting to be that time of year again. Where the paranoia comes into play, and people start dying. each year at least 3 people i know die, and each time is just as awful as the next. My neighbor frank, whos wife is best friends with my mom.. is dying. He has brain cancer and has been dying for the past couple years, but now its really bad. Hes just lying in a bed not able to move and its heartbreaking.Its awful because everytime the phone rings i get a knot in my stomach. but he looks like a little kid because he put on some weight and is in pajamas. I've gone to see him a few times, because he was asking for me, so we just sat and talked. I caught him on a good day, so most of what he was saying was coherent, but since then hes just gotten so much worse. As he lays in bed his wife denise says to him.. you know that sleep we were talking about? go to that sleep.. its ok.. we're all there. And he'll try to grab onto her shirt, and grab into the air, but theres nothing there.. he knows he's going to die, but he keeps hanging on, and its heartbreaking. Writing this makes me want to cry so much, its horrible to know people actually go through that. How much pain he must be in, how much pain his wife and son are in. A slow agonizing death.. he doesnt deserve it. Hes such a great guy, and its a horrible thing to happen. It makes me hope my own death is a quick one, where i dont have to suffer, and the people i love dont have to suffer while watching me die. I dunno.. its been bugging me lately. Maybe because i feel like i want to cry when i think about it, and i havent cried in the longest time.. not at henrys funeral, or kates dads, or krissys moms, or briannas sisters. I thought i was stronger then that.
Theres an angel by your hospital bed
Desperate to hear his name on your breath
As he looks down, you're not making a sound
Open your eyes, look at me.. i'll bring to you whatever you need
And i'll tell you that im sorry, that i cant take this pain away from you
And put it on my own body, if i knew how to.. can you see?
I've gotta bust you out of here somehow
I've never seen your heart this tired
I've never seen your spirit held down
Its testing the strong ones
Its scarring the beautiful ones
Its holding the loved ones
One last time.
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| Old black water, keep on rollin |
[30 Oct 2005|01:49am] |
Justine and i went to johnsons farm today. it was so much fun. We went on the hayride, and stopped off in the apple orchard, and got some apples, and then went to pick pumpkins. I shoved 2 little gords in my coat pockets, and three apples in the sleeves of my coat. So that way i didnt have to pay for them, just the pumpkin i got. After that we saw this guy playing guitar and no one was watching so we went and sat down to watch. He played neil young- old man, for us. It was the best. We gave him a standing ovation. He also played rolling stones, bad company, tom petty, ccr, and dedicated a beatles song to us. It was a lot of fun.
We went out to eat with brianna when we got back, then smoked a little, and then eventually wound up at a party at glens house. It wasnt that spectacular, but kristen and i played mad games of beerpong, which ended in me driving home, and being here now. I have to stop driving drunk, lol too many people i know have dui's. i cant fuck up now. I cant wait to lay in my nice warm bed and just sleeeep forever. i love sleep.
oh yea, brianna and i went to a show at the field house tonight. We didnt pay, so we hung out on the steps right inside the door, so we could still listen to the bands. It was funny because this guy came up to us and was asking us for our numbers and saying, "you're both beautiful, how about a number" and i turned to him and said.. "uhh.. have you been drinking tonight?" lol he didnt find it as funny as we did. we should have given him a number, because he offered to smoke with us,and why did we turn it down? i have no idea!
i have to type my 10 page paper tomorrow.. i dont want to. fuck school.
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| Baby even the losers, get lucky sometimes |
[29 Oct 2005|02:05am] |
I wish school was like today every day. In english we had to work on our papers, i was done mine so i fucked around on the computer for most of the period, and then i got to leave early. World civ we watched a movie on rome, even though i saw it before.. thats what 4 years of latin does to you. haha. Psych was stupid, my teacher is insane. Then since my last class was cancelled, i sat in the cafeteria and wrote the rest of my 10 page paper. Now all i have to do is type it up, which i dont feel like doing either. ha.
After school i came home and took a nap.. i lovvvee naps.
Our water heater broke, and i had to take a cold shower. Worst experiance evvverrr.
Fabian called me, he came over and me him and my brother sat on my porch and smoked.
Fabian left, shaun went to work, and then brianna came over and we smoked again in my room. After that we picked up justine, and headed over to philly. We hung out for a little, went to the dining car, and drove around for a little after that. We eventually came back to my house and i borrowed saw from my neighbor and we watched it. It was my first time seeing it, it was pretty good. I actually laughed at a few parts, but thats because whenever im with justine we seem to make smart remarks and find dumb things funny.
Tomorrow i might go to johnsons farm with justine and go on a hayride. Not a haunted hayride, a nice little innocent hayride to pick a pumpkin. Its good times. Theres a show later tomorrow night that we might end up going to. The scene has turned to shit the past couple years. When i first started going to shows like 5 years ago, the bands were pretty good and so were the people. Now its young kids, who go to socialize and not to listen to the music. Even if they did listen to the music, they'd notice that all the bands are kids who arent any older then them. This produces shitty music and bad crowds. But as long as i can sneak in the backdoor like usual, i'll go. haha.
I have the biggest bruise on my arm ever. Shaun made me go up to his work and break into his car and put a bottle of alcohol on his front seat. I had to shove my arm through the little triangle window and reach all the way over to unlock the door. I had to take off my jacket, my hoodie, and roll my sleeve up, and i could still barely reach it. I was so nervous someone was going to think i was breaking into the car, so i just didnt mind the pain and kept pushing it until i finally got it. haha. now my arm feels like its going to fall off.
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| There were,lines on the ceiling,lines on her face.she pretended not to notice she was caught.. |
[28 Oct 2005|12:28am] |
.. up in the race. haha had to finish the line.
Tonight was such a good night. I went to james' house for something, and ended up meeting brianna back at my house. We drove to philly and went to a park she used to go to in her old neighborhood. We walked around and smoked and bought candy cigarettes, and then drove around a little bit. We smoked again in the same park her dad told her he smoked at, and then we went to the mayfair diner, which is tradition. After that we drove around more, getting our neil young fix for the night<3. and then she dropped me off because i have school tomorrow.. but its all good, i had fun. It was nice just walking around the streets of a place i dont know that well. And it was cool that we could just stop on a random curb and sit there. I would never do that kind of thing around here.. but thats only because i know someone i know will drive by eventually. no matter where i go. But its different there. I dont know, it was nothing spectacular, but it was a nice change from our daily routine.
I cant wait til halloween. Parents are on night work, im in charge of candy, nonstop scary movies on tv. Definitely getting high. Im excited. thats sad. haha.
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| You take my hand, i'll take your hand, together we may get away,this much madness is too much sorrow |
[27 Oct 2005|01:18pm] |
Yes, so its been quite a while since i've updated. Once again it wont be anything that interesting.
I finally got a job. Its a miracle. Thanks to wil madden i am a hostess at famous daves. ahah. I knew that if i waited it out long enough the perfect job would present itself to me, and it did. Not only am i doing an easy job, but the uniform is jeans and a black t shirt that they give you.. aaannnddd.. wil gets to make my schedule since he's head of the hosting department. So thats great for me. Having a really good friend make up your work schedule? could you want more? haha. Last weekend we went to the famous daves in south philly so we could get used to the layout of the place and to get familiar with everything. The one i'll be working at isnt open yet, in fact, the building is completely empty. But by mid november i'll have some cash flow, which will be spent on mainly 2 things, and one of them is gas for my car.
School is school, but i can honestly admit that college isnt that bad. I love the fact that i only have to go 3 days a week, so i can sleep in every other day, instead of getting up at 8 like i do the other days. I have a 10 page paper due in health and wellness on monday, and i have roughly 4 or 5.. but i still dont feel like doing it. I also have a paper due in english tomorrow, that i already wrote out, but dont feel like typing up. haha. such a procrastinator.
I cant wait til brianna gets out of work.. so we can do the same thing we do every night. Hanging out with her is so much fun. Other people see her as this dumb blonde who you always have to explain things too.. and dont get me wrong.. she is that, but shes so much fun. haha. shes the only person i can smoke with, and sit in my car and listen to music and she'll appreciate it as much as i do. I think what makes us such good friends is our passion for music and how we can be content with just doing that, whereas other people always want to do something more.. they cant just sit there and chill. lol i dont know what im talking about.
yesterday i went to 7-11 and saw one of the young guys sittin outside on the ledge smoking a cigarette. He wasnt my favorite one, but he was briannas, and i figured i'd go talk to him anyway. He told me how he was from california and he was just here to make money and then he was going back. I was like why the hell would you want to come here.. haha.. its awful. He also thought i was like 21 which is good.lol. He then asked me what there was to do around here, and i explained that there was absolutely nothing, which is why so many kids do drugs. And thats the truth. But theres nothing wrong with that.
People need to start having more parties here. We need some good.. week long parties like we had going this summer. I miss playing 7 11 doubles. haha
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| Old man take a look at my life im a lot like you, i need someone to love me the whole day through |
[06 Oct 2005|01:36pm] |
Nothing really exciting has been going on lately.
School is school, no suprises there.
Tomorrow im going to a show with emily to see bruce. We're drinking on the way there, so that should be fun. or at least interesting. haha
Justines parents are supposedly going away for like 3 weeks. Hopefully something happens with that. It would be fun. The nights are getting boring around here.. i need some new stuff to happen.
Well thats pretty much it. My life is ever so boring.
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| Truth is i love you, more than i wanted to.. theres no point in trying to pretend |
[20 Sep 2005|11:19am] |
So things have been going pretty good lately. School is whatever, im not going to complain just yet. haha.
Last weekend i went to the football game saturday with justine and kristen. It was fun. Saw that kid again. Hopefully i'll see him again this weekend. bahaha.
Last night shaun had a bunch of people over for the football game. It was alright. I ended up getting with someone, just not who i wanted it to beeee. I feel so dumb saying that. But luckily no one reads this and i can say it and hope no one ever finds it. haha. I knew it was going to happen for the longest time, but i was kind of just avoiding it i guess? but it ended up happening and im just going to do what i did last time. haha. so dumb. ahh. i drive myself crazy.
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| Thats just who i am this week. |
[11 Sep 2005|09:07pm] |
I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. It sucks. In my english class we have to interview someone and then write a 5 paragraph essay about them. The girl whos my partner is really really nice. Shes cool and all, but i still hate the whole idea of it. Makes me so nervous. Ugh.
I saw this kid i've been avoiding for months on saturday. I think i might have accidently kneed him in the back, it was kind of weird, but now i know the whole thing doesnt bother me at all. I dont know why i thought it would. I could see him again and be perfectly fine with it.
On a different note.. i hate being just a friend. He cant imagine what goes on in my head whenever he's around. How nervous he makes me, even after all this time. I mean i figured things were going good, random stopping by, suspicious calls that ended producing something good, hearing voices in the background that werent trying to be heard, offers dealing with school. It was all just giving me a little bit more hope than i already had. Even today was weirdly good.. until the end, which made me just horribly jealous. But i still have the mind set that if i wait it out, something will eventually happen. Its got to. One day.. he'll see it. I hope. Because if he doesnt, i'll have to tell him, and that will be the hardest thing of my life. I hate how he talks about girls all the time in front of me, i try not to let it get to me, but it does.. and he knows it. I cant help it. Lets hope this week is good, and i have something great to write next time. please?
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| You're my best friend and thats ok but i wanna see you night and day |
[08 Sep 2005|09:35pm] |
So summer is over. Im kind of sad but im looking forward to what this year will bring.
Im in my second week of college, and its pretty good. I can tell it will be alot of work, most of which i wont want to do ever. But i have to wait 2 hours for shaun to get done classes, so that will be my iniative to do work.
The past couple of weeks have been good in a certain aspect. I havent told him what i wanted to, but the way we are now when we hang out is a lot better. I cant explain it. But i guess its good? I love the way he just shows up at my house and looks into the window at the top of my door, and if he cant see me he'll call me. it makes my day. im nervous about the months to come. We go to school at like completely opposite times, so it makes me scared that i wont see him ever. Even though i want to tell him these things so bad, i know i cant. Im scared to. I dont want to fuck things up.. i know im not good enough for him, and it sucks. ahhh.
in english tomorrow, we have to pair up with someone and write an essay on them. Im scared. I dont want to meet a new person and write about their life, and then read it to the class. Oh hell no. I quit school.
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| Go with the flow you dont stop |
[25 Aug 2005|09:13pm] |
So this past week has been a lot of fun.
Monday i went down the shore with justine. We got there around 7 and just hung out. Got a little drunk, went to the boardwalk and walked to wawa and even drove to mcdonalds with james. haha.
Tuesday i went to the beach with justine, it was really nice out, i didnt get burnt or anything which im happy about. That night we hung out around the house, drank a lot of vodka, and was forced to share a bed with justine. haha. But before she came in the room, it was just me and james, and we talked for a really long time, which was nice. The things he says confuses me a lot, because we talk about the concept of friends with benefits, and he'll say that if he had a friend who wanted to do that kind of stuff he would, and that guys will almost never turn a girl down, and if i know what i want i should go for it. And then we were talking about a girl who likes him, and i asked how he knew before her friend told him, and he was like, i know when a girl likes me because she always looks me in the eyes, i'll look away and look back at her and she'll still be looking at me, and at that moment i was actually looking in his eyes so i wasnt sure if i should look away.. haha.. and then he was like, they also seem to be generally interested in what im saying, and they always laugh at my stupid jokes.. and when he said that i found myself starting to smile, so i had to stop myself from laughing. I dunno, it made me wanna just tell him everything, and i kind of intended to do something the next night, which i didnt.
Wednesday night we went to pete and neil (the irish kids <3) house. They were having a party, but it was eventually moved to our house since they got a warning the cops would be coming. That was a lot of fun, played some beer pong, got kind of drunk, and then got to talk to tons of irish boys allllll night. It was the best. I was outside on the porch with about 6 of them til 7 in the morning. Then they stole my car keys and i let the one drive to mcdonalds. It was very funny because it was the first time he drove an automatic car in america. So he was like oh what side of the street do i go on, and i had to show him how to only use one foot to drive. haha. They were all pretty hot. And their accents are the best thing ever. Im in love with it. Me and justine kept making them say 3,333 because they say it so funny. Im going to miss them, even though we werent really friends and i just met most of them. I let the one wear my hoodie, and he looked just like a skater emo boy. It was so hot. He had the hood up and had his kinda long black hair. oh gosh. haha. love it. It makes me sad to know im never gonna see them again. But im glad i got to meet them, they were fun.
Once i dropped the irish kids off this morning, i went back to the house and sat with justine and 2 other irish kids and we talked for a while. Then luke came home and around 9:15 we decided to leave. So we got our stuff ready and dropped the other irish kids off, and then came home. I hadnt slept for a really long time so i was like dosing off on the way home, it was kind of scary. haha. I shouldnt do that.
I start school on monday. Im scared. I dont wanna go to college.
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| The only thing that matters is just following your heart. |
[15 Aug 2005|11:39pm] |
Ok so a few things have happened since i last wrote.
I had my summer math class, it was stupid, but i was the first person done my test, when we had it, and i passed it. I was so proud of myself.. haha.
Other than that not much has been going on.
Im still sick from 4 weeks ago, but each day that goes by im more and more convinced that i was wrong on my source of getting sick. Who i still havent seen since and i will probably never see again. But i've had some close calls, its hard seeing or hanging out with someone i know thats friends with them, without the scare that they'll be there.
Last night was a lot of fun. I got pretty drunk, and some things happened. First, i was upstairs going to the bathroom, and i walked out of the bathroom and saw my brothers friend who i talk to, in my friends room. I went in there and we started talking about his friend that i kind of like. So we're talking about him, and hes telling me i should have more confidence and what not, and started teaching me. So he pulls me up so im standing and telling me what to do, so i do it just to play along, and hes like good give me a hug, so i hug him and then i dont even remember what happened, but i got with him. It was only for a couple seconds though, since his friend walked up the stairs, then the girl he was with. haha. So he had to take the girl home, and his friend decided to stay and wait til the girl got dropped off. So i was talking to bj in the kitchen, and this kid came in, and started getting close to me and touching my butt.. haha i was like whoa and then he tried to grab my hand but i only let him hold one finger, haha, and then i was talking to bj and decided to throw my arms around bj so i could get loose. So i walk away into the other room, and this kid sits beside me and says whats with me and you, since he tried getting with me in the spring and i didnt want to. So i said nothing, because there really is nothing, and he was like i was trying to mack it with you before but you werent having it, and i wasl ike and im still not having it, and he was just like aw really? and then he left shortly after that, but i did give him a hug. I felt bad but, i just dont like him. Even though i didnt like my brothers friend either, i know he wont hold anything against me, and it meant nothign to both of us. I can deal with that. But a kid who actually likes me? no way. Im just erasing the whole night from memory, and not letting it effect anything, im just going to act like it never happened. Easiest thing to do. Obviously im getting it a lot.
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| Just another band out of boston |
[07 Aug 2005|12:35pm] |
I dont know why im doing this, curiosity maybe.
If you've seen 70 or more, you are a movie addict. Copy, paste, fill out, and post.
() Rocky Horror Picture show
(X) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x best movie eveeeerrr ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
( ) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
() Airplane
(X) The Princess Bride
() Young Frankenstien
(X) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
() Saw
() White Noise
(x) White Oleander
() Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
() Jason X
(x) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
() American Wedding
(X) Harry Potter
(X)Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Donnie Darko
() Lilo & Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
(x)13 Ghosts
() Signs
(X) The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
() Thirteen going on 30
() I, Robot
() Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
() A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep impact
( ) KingPin
() Contact
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
(X) Ever After
() The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(X) Passport to Paris
(X)Dumb & Dumber
() Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
(X) Halloween
(X) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
(X) I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The whole Ten yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Bride of Chucky
( ) Seed of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
(X) Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
( ) Coach Carter
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
() Enternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
(X) Breakfast Club
( ) Some Kind of Wonderful
( ) Top Secret
( ) Joy Ride
() Seven
(X) Oceans Eleven
() Oceans Twelve
(X) Identity
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
() Predator I
( ) Predator II
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
(X) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My boss' daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
( ) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
( ) Air Up There
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
() Event Horizon
(X) Forrest Gump
(X) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) X-men
() X-2: X-Men United
(X) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Trading Places
(X) Ice Age
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Others
( ) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
(X) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(X) The Hot Chick
(X) Swimfan
() Miracle
(X) Old School
() Ray
(X) The Notebook
() Naked Gun
(X) Mona Lisa Smile
(X) Spiderman
() Spiderman 2
( ) K-Pax
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
() Hitch
(X) TheFifth Element
(X) Moulin Rouge
(x) Space Jam
( ) Saved
(X) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
() Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
() Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
() Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi...
() Space Balls
() Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
() Air Force One
(X) For Richer or Poorer
(X) Trainspotting
(x) National Treasure
( ) Second Hand Lions
() Bend it like Beckham
(X) Edward Scissorhands
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(X) Sound of music
() Parent Trap 1
() The Burbs
(X)The Terminator
(X) Empire Records
(X) SLC Punk
(X) Meet Joe Black
() American History X
(X) Charlie and The Chocolate Factory
(X) Willy Wonka Original
(X) Secret Garden
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
( ) Top Gun
(X) Big Fish
(X) Zoolander
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| Sometimes you have to see the beauty in all of this loneliness |
[28 Jul 2005|08:00pm] |
I miss my acoustic guitar. Its been at the shore since the beginning of the summer. I have an electric guitar, but my e string is broken. Even if it wasnt broken, its still not the same. So i can only play my acoustic when im at the shore, which i havent been in the longest time. I dunno, that might seem stupid.. but i just miss playing my guitar damnit!
thats all.. nothing important.
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| And all i loved, i loved a lone |
[24 Jul 2005|03:38am] |
So its been roughly a week since i last updated, and the boy from the car, never called me. haha. It kind of makes me feel bad about myself, im not good enough to even get a phone call? haha. Oh well. I'll never see him again and if he wants to be like that than ok.
Tonight rachel and i were hangin out, and then we went to hang out with kyle and chris. They can be a handful sometimes, but they are pretty cool, except kyle is threatening to put a really bad picture of me on myspace. Thats not cool.
So eventually through kyle, i talked to pat and he ended up coming over my house around 1 and we were outside talking for a while. I miss school.
Lets see where this goes.
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| I didnt mean to lead you on. |
[18 Jul 2005|01:08pm] |
So this weekend was pretty much insane. Im suprised i can even remember it.
Friday i went to a party at rachels house. It was fun, i was drunk.
Saturday, party at the loves. Got drunk again
Last night, another party at rachels. This time i got trashed. We played 7 11 doubles and people were just killin me with the cups. So yea i was nice and drunk and every one started leaving and a bunch of people didnt have a way home, so i offered to give them rides. Yes i was drunk and yes i drove. And it was horribly foggy. lol. So i drop 2 of the kids off, and i go to the other ones house and he was like i cant get out yet so i drove around the block and he told me to park. So i parked but my car was still on and everything. So we're sittin there for a couple minutes and i kept asking him if he was ok, and he leaned over and started kissing me. And as we're kissing he turns my car off, so we're going at it for i guess a good hour and a half haha. At random times we'd stop and i'd tell him how much he'd regret it once he came to his senses, but then we'd keep going. And its not like i like him or anything, it just happened. And at one point i was thinking to myself and looking at him, and i was like what the hell is his name. hahah. i didnt even remember the kids name. But i remember actually debating whether or not i should ask, but i didnt. So now whenever i think about it i just laugh. Who does that? Now that all that passed, i dont know what to do. If he calls me, what should i say? What should i do? What did i get myself into?!
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| Dont worry i'll catch you.. dont ever worry |
[10 Jul 2005|02:50am] |
The summer has given me lots and lots of time to think things through, and i dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
My brother has been living at the shore since may, and he came home for a couple minutes today, and right now i've realized how much i miss him. Its weird, me and my brother have such a good relationship. We dont really fight, and when we do, we sit down and talk it out. We hang out a lot and we're really good friends. I dunno i just miss him.
I've also realized that i really like when people depend on me. It makes me feel good for people to ask me to help them and how grateful people can act when i do something for them. But right now i feel as though thats done. Because i helped someone succeed in a certain part of thier life, that it made them more independent, which leaves me feeling useless.
And i guess thats just really how i've been feeling lately.. useless. I cant explain it, and i dont think i even want to try to. I just cant express things like i used to.
i just want to fall in love.. wait.. i just want to fall in love with someone who loves me back. whens my turn? how much longer am i gonna have to wait? i think i deserve it by now. :(
i want to be happy
i make no sense
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| I've got to be good enough for someone. |
[07 Jul 2005|02:07am] |
Things have been going ok lately. I've been going to the shore a lot, and while i was there i met the hottest irish kid ever. Man it was love at first sight. haha. Oh how i love those irish boys.
The 4th of july was nothing special, i didnt really do anything. I taught james how to parallel park and took him driving for a little. He took his drivers test the next day and i was waiting all day for him to tell me what happened. So i had to call him to find out and he passed. i was so happy for him. it was really driving me crazy wondering about it. He told me the whole time driving he heard my voice telling him things to do.. haha. He was probably lying but it made me feel important.
I kind of miss certain aspects of school. I miss my english class the most. Man i loved that class. I miss the people i met, i miss the laid back routine i made up for myself and how great it worked. I got my report card and got all A's and a B for the year, but the B was in an ap class so that makes it an A. Senior year was really great. im sad now. haha
I still feel certain ways about certain people, that i cant look past. I know nothing will ever happen, but i dont know why. Somethings there, i know it. Im just not good enough.. im not pretty enough.. and that kills me. Im not hideous, but im not gorgeous.. and its so easy to find girls better than me. I wish people still went by personality.. then i'd be getting somewhere. Hopefully things will work out for me someday.. haha. Im sick of waiting, so prince charming.. hurry up and find me.
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| Im not your star.. isnt that what you said? |
[14 Jun 2005|07:00pm] |
Just go to sleep... just go to sleep
You say with a sigh as you turn off the light
My heart is screaming, my tounge is bleeding from the words i cant seem to say
Just go to sleep... just go to sleep
You say as i stare helplessly into the night
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| How long to the point of know return? |
[03 Jun 2005|03:07pm] |
My birthday is sunday. Im excited. I cant wait til 12:00 sunday morning when amy calls me and plays "You say its your birthday? Well its my birthday too!!!" I've been singing the song all day. I love sharing my birthday with amy and dianna. Im going down the shore later tonight. Hopefully its fun. The past couple of times i've gone it has been fun, yet discouraging and disapointing to a point. I've realized it will never work with me and a certain person, im not good enough. I always knew it would never work, i always knew i was lacking something to make me worth while. But at least i realize it. I can accept it and move on. But i know in the back of my mind i'll keep wishing and hoping. i dont really understand why im always overlooked.. i'd be so good. Oh well.. no more emo entries. gosh.
Back to the shore.. its been fun. I've met a bunch of new people, and its really cool. I met people from thailand, slyvania, amsterdam. Its amazing. I also get to hang out with people i havent really seen in a while. Like last weekend shaun tom and luke were at work, and i was hanging out with james keith bill and these 2 girls. But they decided to go to the beach and i just hung out at the house which was relaxing and i enjoyed the time by myself. No one really realizes that. I need time a lone once in a while. But while i was alone, i walked outside and saw kurt walking up the house. I was so happy to see him, that kid is awesome. So we hung out for a while and went back out on the porch and these 2 kids came over that we met the night before. So that was pretty cool. Some of the neighbors are cool. Chris is so funny, i enjoy listening to him talk. He always has something funny to say. The philly kids are ok. They can be assholes most of the time, but some of them are nice.
School is also comign to a close. I graduate june 16th. Gym class is getting more interesting, because my teacher is out for the rest of the year since she broke her arm. So since there is a fast food chain at the bottom of the hill in the back of our school, we ran to burger king and got breakfast one day. It was fun. We're planning more things soon.
Im going to see james taylor in july. I cant wait. I just have to find someone to go with me. I know who i really want to come, but i wont ask them.
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| If only i knew the key to sing to make you mine. |
[31 May 2005|09:44pm] |
Shes got a star carved on the inside of her knee
She lives her life so selflessly
She loves a boy.. so hopelessly
She wants him to sing her a love song,
Make her feel like she finally belongs
Hold her hand and play the part
Dance with her to "young at heart"
But he'll sing a song to any other girl
Wont make her feel like shes his world
Wont hold her hand, but will take her to a dance
And then will spend the night with all the other tramps
He wont tell her shes beautiful, yet thats all she wants to hear
But he'll whisper it with charm in any one else's ear.
Shes got a star carved on the inside of her thigh
She lives her life but doesnt try
She loves a boy.. that loves to make her cry
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