| Love, reign o'er me |
[20 Sep 2006|01:30am] |
So i dont know why im writing right now, probably because i read the last couple entries i made on here, and i want to punch myself in the face. I hate getting all emotional and then having written records of it. The situation i was writing about just gets worse everyday. It all started the day of the bob dylan concert.
first off, i bought him a ticket, so he went for free and we went with 2 of my best friends whom he is also pretty close with. we got lost multiple times and he was talking shit about me to one of my friends before we even got there, calling me selfish. now that makes me upset the most because of everything i've ever done for that kid. we've been friends for 3 years and i've done everything in my power to be the best person to him. and the more time that goes by the less he appreciates it. he doesnt even notice it. by now he just assumes it should happen. anyway.. getting back from a tangent.. i knew he wasnt too happy when we got there, so we all just stood near the stage waiting for bob dylan to come on next. me and my one friend make random conversations with the old heads around us like we do at every concert, and then the concert starts. one guy we were talking with hands me a joint and my friend and i smoke. we watch the show, get real into it, say a few words to each other and then its over. we go home and drop him off and the three of us hang out. my one friend spills the whole night to the two of us, basically saying how he said that after that night he didnt want to be our friends anymore. so the next day he breaks it to me and we fight. he said some harsh things for no reason. he was mad because he was lonely at the concert and none of us were talking to him or standing right up next to him. then he got mad that some guy was really drunk and standing close to me and smelling me.. and because i was so wrapped up in the concert that i didnt realize and say something or walk away. well we had endless fights about this that i cant even begin to type because theres so much to say.
we kinda straightened things out but its just been like we're on nails. it kind of feels like my brain is taking over and bitch slapping me in the face. im just getting so fed up with everything. he does certain things, almost purposely because he doesnt think i understand. but every facial expression, every word, every gesture, every manipulation, i have down to a perfect t. i know what hes trying to get, i know what hes trying to make people do, but i dont know why he does it. ive never said anything to him about it, because i like having him think im naive. i like him thinking hes one step up on me. when clearly i have him figured out.. just not as much as i need. I know what he does but god knows why he does it. i cant understand a damn thing about it and it drives me crazy. why does he try and make me jealous, and why does he get mad at me every freaking day but call me constantly.. i just want him to tell me anything.. anything at all. he can tell me he loves me and hes just been trying to deny it, or he can tell me im a complete ugly bitch who hes never liked and just used for three year. i dont care what it is, i just want to know. or maybe we got ourselves in too deep. we didnt think certain things would change how we were, but they could have.. i dont fuckin know.
and then probably the worst part that throws me off completely is the shit he says to my best friend. like i can be mad at him and distance my feelings enough to handle things, but then he'll start saying things to her that make me feel extremely uncomfortable. i know shes prettier than me, but out of all people, does he have to remind me of it every day. and i cant help think he wishes it was her instead of me. does he wonder why couldnt she be his best friend instead of me. i know its probably crossed his mind at least once. i want to just talk to him, but i know he wont listen, and i wont know what to say. I dont know why i wrote all this, especially since i dont want anyone to read it.. because its too obvious and i'd throw up if someone knew. but i cant take this shit anymore. its really driving me crazy. i just want to know the trruuuttthhh.. let it set me freeee damnit.
and to make things even more fun. his room mate tried to get with me the first night the moved in. i didnt, but ever since then, for the past 4 months, there has been a lot of eye locking, smirking, sexual inuendos, and the like between us. a couple of his room mates friends also tried a little something but i wasnt having that at all.
so i dont know what to fucking do anymore. i wish i could just leave for a week and not talk to anyone and come back and start over. i know i should just tell him everything.. but where the hell would i start? one day im just going to snap.. haha i can feel it. maybe i'll just get drunk and use that as my excuse.
oh yea and this doesnt really fit in anywhere but it bothers me.. so.. i have to wake up for school at 7:50 in the morning every other day, so tonight is one of the one nights i wanna be home kinda early. i hung out with him earlier.. even though i was working.. i convinced my bosses to let me go home for a couple hours and then i'd come back and close. im not even home from work yet when the phone rings. i lie and say my friends not coming out so neither am i cause i have no money and no weed. he pretty much figures its a lie but i deny it and can hear hes sad and mad at me in his voice. so me and my friend plan on going out anyway but only for like an hour.. to have an easy, relaxed night.. smoke a blunt.. go home and go to sleep. but of course it didnt turn out that way. we started off ok and were walking around. once we got to a park to swing on the swings i get a phone call from his friends. i tell them im at my house and they ask to borrow 2 dollars and suggest to come over to pick it up. i start freaking out thinking they saw me and they're on their way over to catch me. so we get up and start walking back to the car as i talk out of my ass to keep him on the phone as long as possible, not giving him a straight answer to whether or not i'll give him the money. I finally say yes and they say they'll be right over. We run to the car and the whole time i couldnt even stop to explain it to my friend. i tell her to drive as fast as she can and we fly down the street towards my house. we see his car go down to my street and i tell her to drive around the block. i had no idea what to do so i got out of the car a block over and started to walk around the corner. im the third house from the corner, so i knew i could make it to my backyard from the spot i was in. they were sitting at my house for a long time, and i ran through my neighbors yard and looked around the house and spotted his car. i had to run across 2 drive ways and i knew i was in view. it was dark so if they werent looking they couldnt have seen me, but i sure saw them. I unlatched my next neighbors fence, climbed the fences in between our houses, and went in my back door. i walked right out the front door with my jacket still on, my face red, and my hair a complete mess. so theres only one other thing i could have been doing, and im sad to say that wasnt it. i dont know how i pulled that off, but im thankful, because i almost threw up.
maybe thats a sign.. i need to use my head and i'll make it through
oh well.. i meant to go to bed an hour ago, since now i have to wake up in 5 hours and 20 minutes. the only thing getting me through this week is knowing im seeing The Who again on thursday. concerts are my salvation.
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