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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
11:01 pm - Wow.... o.O
I performed at K215.... I sucked. But Vision and Mark were really really good. Yeah thats all thats new today...

current mood: discontent

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Monday, May 10th, 2004
9:46 am - Whhoooooo Hooo!!!!
Okay, so i'm here updating my journals since i rarely ever do so and i've been getting nagged to get off my lazy bum and do something about it. So here i am! Updating!! Whooooo!! Be happy! Lol.

The only reason i'm actually updating is because i've been yelled at by a few others on blurty for not doing so... :-( So as i sit here in my computer class, soing nothing but typing in random words in bianary code, i realise what a waste of time this is. But hey it's a grade, it's a class, it's something to put on the deploma at the end of 12 years of bullshit and torment, it's another degree of torture from mono-dictating assholes that feel they need to have the complete controll over my thoughts at all times. It's just a computer class.....

No, it's more than just a fuckign computer class, it's more than all that. It's a freedom for a momentary second that lets me get out of the monotonous headway of school... For a moment i can relax and for one moment i can chat online with those on Blurty, Live Journal, and Gaia... For only a moment, but that's all i need for the moment. I'm fine for the next two hours, then i'll go to lunch and interact with some jackasses that i can't stand to listen to, let alone talk to.

The sanctuary comes when i get home. I relax, take a shower, drink a shot or two of vodka mixed with Mt. Dew and i can say that i'm alright. I'm not stressed now, I'm not upset now. I'm not hurting now, my muscles aren't sore now, I'm not listening to that asshole Bokash babble about non-coherant shit anymore. I'm happy.

current mood: annoyed
current music: NOTHING! =(

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Saturday, March 27th, 2004
6:58 pm - Depression Rising
So yeah... today's been a shitty day. It's been a shitty week. It's been shitty ever since i lost the power to fight off sickness.... But thats besides the point. I dont think i want to go to Philly anymore... I mean i do, so i can see Cathy, Smurf, Li, and maybe two others... but besides that I've lost my excitement. I don't really care anymore.

I talked to Simmons today. I dont want to go into that... It's not worth wasting my time.

I woke up today, that wasn't worth it either. Maybe if i roam into a mindless existance with nothing or no one to worry about and nothing to do but die, it might be worth it in the end... Just maybe.

A wimper of hope was dissapated last night and you didn't know i even existed. Another heart was carelessly thrown into the blender, but all you could do was smake another cigar. Tears fall lifelessly from my cheeks and the world around me just looks away. My life will never be complete.....

current mood: depressed
current music: Refused -random song

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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
1:15 pm - *Sigh*
I hate being nice... I really fucking do. Everytime i'm nice to a few people i get crushed by 15 more. I hate being the one everyone falls on for things.

"The system has a glitch, can she have YOUR account?"

"I dont know what i'm doing, can you write part of it for me?"

"I love you but i want you to change this, this, this, this, and this..."

"Why can't you be more like your brothers..?"

"Leave me alone, i dont care what you NEED. You're just a child."

What have i dont to deserve this bullcrap? I mean, I have done nothing but help these people out but all they want to do is use me for one thing or another. I'm sick and tired of hurting like this.... Why can't i just be happy for once in my pathetic lifetime..?

current mood: gloomy
current music: Godspeed! You Black Emperor- Lift Yr skiny fists...

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
3:00 pm
I haven't talk to Cathy yet, but i talked to her mom and she said she should be back either thursday or friday. I'm sad and i dont want to think about anything. I just want to dissapear and be left alone right now. The only thing i have on my side at this point is my away message. I dont want to talk to anyone, i dont want to be with anyone, i dont want to do anything.. i just want to go away.

My music is keepimg me entertained for now but i just want to die in all honesty... theres nothing that stands as a marker that'll keep me going forever. There's nothing that strong and theres nothing that can change that. So fuck it all....

current mood: apathetic
current music: Modest Mouse- Does Anybody know a way

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Friday, January 16th, 2004
9:21 am - new happiness
Kulture finally found a home! We're now at the REC center in Philly *see for those details* So now I'm just waiting for the dates so i can make e-mails and send them out to the e-addys i have. I'm glad we got that stuff settled...WE HAVE A HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps for joy*

But other than that theres nothing new.... I'm sitting here in my BST class *full of god damned freshmen* playing on the net while she sits there and lectures for an hour....=.- stupid lady. OH!!! I'm going to the Modest Mouse concert next month!! Less than 30 days 6 hours 45 mins and 16...12 seconds left!!!! ^_^ I'm excited.

Anyhow, i have to do my english homework...>.>; i got too carried away dling music from merc and forgot that i had it ^^;;;; OH WELL!!!

But that's that.

current mood: crazy
current music: Godspeed! You Black Emperor: lift yr skiny fists like...

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
7:22 pm - my paper... i dont think i like it. ;/
The Beat Generation: A credible source for our lives today

Isn’t it funny how a few men and women from the late 1940’s, single handedly changed the way that our generation lives now? We should think it is, because the Beat Generation is an American time that barely any credit goes to for what America has today. Through the minds of beatniks like Jack Kerouac, Neal Cassady, William Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg and a handful of others, new styles of living were put into motion and new ways of thought were brought about. Some of the difficulties that the beats went through were closely tied together with the political downfalls and world events of the time, like the Watergate scandal and the Cold Wars, which greatly influenced their writings, their lives, and their social theories. The Beat Generation was a time of constant culture clashing and lifestyles varying among all people everywhere, many things came out of this time to aide the future generations. The Beat Generation’s breaking of barriers led to the changing of the way future generations would look at life, the way they would interpret literature, and the moral values that America would hold in the future to come.

The Beat Generation was a time period from the 1940’s to the 1960’s in which poets and artists combined ‘spat in the face of conformity and pop culture’ (Merc). They broke out of the normal routines and forgot all of the social codes to be themselves; they were often ridiculed for that as well. With the new open door to publicity and the awakening of a chaotic era, poets such as Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac, Neal Cassady, and William Burroughs brought a whole new genre of poetry to the table and forced it down the throats of mid 20th Century public viewers. They threw stones at the idea of being conformed to society, and were thought of as antisocial when asked by someone other than the people in their range of beatniks about social status.

The Beat Generation was partly spawned off of the political outbreaks and wars that were occurring in the world at this time. They went through the cold war in Russia and all of conflicting decisions that American was facing at that time. The ‘Watergate Scandal’ was also another discouraging article you would find in the news. The Watergate Scandal was written about in Kerouac’s On The Road and seen as nothing more than a disgrace to America, by the unfaithful government. Allen Ginsberg also had a quite a few complaints about the political mumbo-jumbo that was occurring. In his book The Downfall Of America, Ginsberg discusses his rage and disappointment with the injustices of American government, the hypocrisy of its war on drugs, the dishonesty of its foreign policies, and the unconstitutionality of its censorship efforts. "I don't think there is any truth. I think there are only points of view." After the cold war had ended and the scandals of the mid 50’s forgotten, the beatniks had yellow-line fever, and would travel just because the scenery would change and the people would be different, and maybe more accepting.”

Some of the better-known Beatniks, such as Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg, went to Buddhism for guidance and to lead a life of enlightenment. They looked at the events of the time and were appalled by the inhumane acts that their country was involved in. The yellow-line fever was also spreading, giving news to the hippies and beatniks around, that life was best viewed through a tinted window at 85 miles per hour. The hippies took the fever, digested it and turned it into a full scale road war, where the ones who went the furthest would earn titles and be looked up to by some of the ‘lower hipsters’ that couldn’t travel as far. Which made the likes of Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady shake their heads in shame, because to them, traveling was a way to free the soul, like an enlightening for the spirit with the open road at your feet and a tank full of gas. But the government just saw it as a chance to make money…what a surprise.

Through those poets, musicians, and those literary works, the future for poetry, short story writing, novels, and ballads would never be the same again. They allow room for un-sugar coated slams to be put into the air and they brought us into a new ‘free style’ era that we now live in. Without their influence, it would be most likely that the only kids of poetry we would know, would be the happy go lucky blissfully accepted literature that is written about with false metaphors at times. The Beat Generation’s opening doors allowed the future generations to step out of the box and out of the closet and expose the things that no one wanted to hear. They showed us life through a druggie’s eyes and put us in the first person perspective of a heroin addict’s day-to-day routine, things that weren’t naturally accepted by everyone. But nonetheless they brought it into the light and held nothing back.
When the beatniks brought us the punk movements, they showed America how to think basically. They shunned the materialist options to live lives that held a religious meaning, which pushed nonconformity to the utmost peek. The zenith of the movement, to me, was when people put down their holier than thou thoughts and began to realize that you’re never promised tomorrow. Many people’s lifestyles changed because of the reality that they beatniks brought, they were swooned by the sweet sweet music that was pushed out of the sax and the horn as well as feeling the freedom and power of ecstasy in the new drugs. Although the drugs aren’t one of the bets things that happened in the time, it was still an important part of the time.

Like I said before, the beatniks brought new jazz, bebop, and the un-chained punk movement to America without second thoughts. Groups and performers such as Charlie Parker& Dizzy Gillespie helped in bringing out this movement of musical madness. Without those people bringing jazz to a new decibel level, we would have never had the musical talents that we have today. For instance the beat/jazz influence has been noted everywhere from the Beatles to the hard core band Iggy-pop to the rock stars we knew and loved such as Kurt Cobain. It’s most likely that we would have had a more down tempo music and the world of music would be nothing like we have today, if it wasn’t for the large influence of the beatniks like William Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, and Allen Ginsberg.

Some of the most awesome writing techniques came out of this time period as well. Kerouac alone came up with a new style of writing, which is used worldwide. Ginsberg’s formations, like the one he used in HOWL, are displayed in almost every known language as a base for writing poetry. The poetical formats and the way that they would shed light on the world, you could have said, revolutionized the writing world at the time, and molded a shape of untouchable writings. Even later on in the years to come, the formats and rhyme schemes would most likely stand the test of time. They were that sound and had such meaning that they were considered in a class of their own, when compared to some of the writings of Ernest Hemmingway, E.A. Poe, or Emily Dickinson. So that just goes to show, the power that the writings had at that time. In many cases, the formations are still used and are rarely separated from.

As it’s clearly stated, the Beat Generation deserves a lot of credit for the lives that our future generations do hold and will have. Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs, Cassady and Bukowski can truly be said to be our forefathers when it comes to literature, because without them, who knows where we’d be now. If the truth were to be known, we could honestly say, that our political history with scandals is just as long as our literary history, seeing as how they both tie into one another when you put all the facts together. Just as our history ties in with our words, our lives today mesh fully with the lives of yesterday. So all in all we must be a proud example for our predecessors as far as our thoughts and moral concepts are concerned…not to mention our next generation jazz spawned music that has all the ‘hipsters grooving to the beat like mad cats at a jamboree…’ ( Kerouac 106) So i'm guessing that in the future generations, society will only be as good and as successful as it's past generations.

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
7:43 pm
Don't you just LOVE the feeling you get when you've just prooved someone wrong!? I sure as hell do! I've just found out new information about a stupid whore who's about to be prooved wrong!!! MUAHAHHAHA!!! i love being a devious coneiving bitch from hell. I truely do. GOD i hate cronic liars!!!! ::points to Kathara:: Especailly ones who think they're specail because they have no life so they read the dictionary!!!


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Monday, November 17th, 2003
5:05 pm - The Misery of staisfaction...
Lately i've found out that no matter how hard you try, it is utterly impossible to be satisfied with something. To reach complete atonement you would have to step out of reality and accept everyone and everything as it is and therefore, be content with yourself...and i think we all know this is indescribably not possible for the average human to do. Why?

Simply because the human ego is what we live for, to feed it and live by it is all we truely know how to do. We get a job so we can say we hold "this title" at "this place" and all we do is anathematize the world for putting us there when infact, it was us who made ourselves get that position so satisfy a hungy ego and to calm the burning sensation to be accepted by all.

So to put this in laymens terms..satisfaction is the feeding of an ego to withstand the pressures of life that we dont think we can handle by ourselves. We play this game called life, thinking that we'll wake up and that we'll have a profound sence of enlightenment about everything around us when in fact all we will do is die and then pity our selves for not doing anything better with our time.

I've been reading on a few people who stepped outside this line though, who forgot the egotism of life and lived for the sake of living and to be themselves in a crowd of conformity. They were the beatniks. Allen ginsberg (although confused by who he really was), Jack Kerouac (a druggie misfit who never found a place to be content) and William Burroughs were a few of the men who did such. And through them, our lives have changed significantly.

So as i sit here, writing this meaningless entry, i know now that i will never be content. I will never know satisfaction. I will never thuroughly know why i insist on persuing the mundane fashions of cullanary arts. I know that i wont..and i'm okay with that. After all.. i'm not looking for satisfaction, just a quick way to be happy and die...Aren't we all?

current mood: determined
current music: God Speed You black Emperor

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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
11:13 am - The Rise For World Domination
Okay, so i had a conversation with Chuck the other day and the first thing out of his mouth was that he wants to rule the world...completely have domination over everything adn everyone who inhabits it. Some guys REALLY have an ego problem. This brings me to my journal entry for today...

I've been thinking about how many people want to "take over the world' and make everyone their slaves... And i've come to the conclusion that it's not possible. Everyone is already a slave to someone or something else and the person who would dominate the world would just be slave to some higher power..and so on and so forth the whole basis for domination is to be a slave to something else.

So the whole"take over the world" ploy is useless in my mind. I mean sure, it would be awesome to have complete control. But in all honesty, the ones who want complete control dont havve the respect for life that it would take. Too many of them want death, destruction, chaos, and pretty much anything that looks like it will bring a living hell to earth.Like the few i know that are here in school with me, they want to control so they can kill all those who cross them, or punish those people who have made their lives miserable. When in fact, what's keeping the people who HAVENT crossed them yet from doing so, and then wiping out the entire population?

If people really want that, turn the TV on and watch family members being choppered over to Iraq to fight for people they dont know, and get killed for it. And then watch the families and people that knew them mourn and cry till they feel that their body is fixing to collapse. And then...maybe..just maybe you'll realise that you're not ready to take over the world...

So go put on your Spongebob pajamas, curl up in bed, and forget about trying to distroy life...

current mood: indescribable
current music: Mudvane

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
7:15 pm
Well yeah these are the two new ones i wrote off of a song given to me by a good friend Merc.

Words are thrown at me
_________ Bouncing off my shield
(As I try to protect myself)
________Another useless effort
To be accepted
_________ Gets thrown out the window
Down the street
__________ And burned into ashes
For all that
__________Is ever worth.

All I hear are the back drafts
_________ Of everyone coaxing me
_____________________________Bullshitting me
Trying to lure me into their ploy
(I refuse
_________ I can only be me…)
I hear the blah’s
_________ I don’t really care what they mean
All I understand
_________ Are the echoes
Bouncing off of my heart
__________Calling for freedom
Pleading for an existence
_________ In a world that doesn’t give a damn.

I feel the pain
_________________It numbs my body
And chills my spine
My throat catches
__________I shake it off…
I pretend that I don’t notice
____The hurt
In everyone’s eyes
The pain
_________ Non-stop torturing
Of their souls…

And I can only watch
_______Walk by
Then cry
_________ (But in my own time
__________________________Mind you…)
I’m not let free
_________ I guess I’m the same
_________ Locked up in chains
____(A slave of bondage again…)

But before
__________You feel sorry
For me
_________ For them
__________________For us…
Know this...

Our hearts beat at the same pace as yours,
_________ The same blood flows through our veins
And is the same color
______________Crimson Red…
As yours is

Well maybe it just flows a little more often..?
_________ Just maybe
Our hearts throb to a different beat.
Maybe we don’t care
_________________About the mundane possessions
_________ Of your self-reliant life…
Either that
…Or we just don’t care.

current mood: blah
current music: Cinematic Orchestra- Everyday

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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
9:12 pm
*sighs* i think my tiny little world is crashing down on me as i write this. my best friend Stephen in Atlanta, is going to Iraq tomorrow and he wont be back for 6 months... he's one of the closest people to me and i'm really going to miss him! He's like a brother to me and he's leaving TOMORROW!! *sighs and falls into depression* here we go again...

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4:12 pm - Freakish bordum and other bs...
Well today has been boring.. i babysat for 8 hours(nice money but annoying ass kids) while dling songs from a good friend in Kutztown PA. I think he needs mental help...But then again most of my friends do. :-D Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! And over all i think that today has been a wates of time.

But i did get to write three new poems and one prose piece, spawned off of Ginsberg's HOWL, which is a really awesome peice might i add... Maybe when i get off my dead ass i'll put it up here... *sighs*

So now that i've bored myself with this entry, i'm onto check livejournal where i havent been in almost 5 months... >.>;;; whoops.

current mood: bouncy
current music: Ugly Casanove-Spilled Milk Factory

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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
3:24 pm
Well, on friday at 4:14 am me my dad's g/f's family and her mom, pulled out of Clermont in route to Ochalocknee Georgia... Not only am i dissapointed that i wont get to spend the weekend MY way, but i have to spend 6 hours trapped in a vehicle with two VERY annoying children that i wish would die, sitting right next to me. *sigh* But now i'm kinda happy because i'm going home today and i'll be able to write about this horrid place and how much i hate the people that are here. Especailly my dad's gf.

Yesterday i caught her and a guy who's like TWICE her age, and old enough to be her father, making out behind the guys wife's car. How sickning is that?! So i dont think my weekend can get much worse, as of now. I'm just hoping to make it through today without commiting a mass murder/genocide of all the morons that are here. -.= Please shoot me...

current mood: pissed off
current music: Nirvana

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
6:55 pm
Forgetting everything that's happened
_______Focusing on
The ones around me
_______Concentrating on
My ultimate goal
____The competition
An equal competitor to come
_______Longing for the attention
I deserve.
Someone like the one I search for
Yet done.
________________________Loosing all focus of your reality
Beginning to understand who you really are
______________________Why haven’t we impaled this
_______________The sensation of knowing
_______Why I am
Who I am
________________What I am
And why
_____Has finally been answered.
___________I’ll never
Understand you

-Wondering Why-
Falling through space and time
_______I realize
Why you had to go.
______ I realize
What you left me to do
______ I finally know
What it's like to find peace.
___________The tingling sensation
Won’t go away
______________I honestly don’t want it to.
It makes me laugh
__________I wonder why though.
Am I dead at last
________________Have I come to the end of the light
Or am I just numb?
____________________Can I be heard
Or am I invisible?
______Like the autumn wind that blows so swiftly
Taking my hair on a roller coaster ride around the air.
_______Smelling so sweet
Like fresh rain after a long winter snow
I wonder what it's like....

A thought-
abstract mind
pictures of life
tied together
creating your own
empower your antipathy
for all mankind.
death is only a heart beat
Last breath
perfect smile,
close your eyes
it will all be over

Around Me
I sit here alone
in my closet of fear.
things that make no since
to me cant be good for me.
minds wondering to no end
these things are breaking me
slowly dying inside
all the twisted emotions
torn like tissue paper.
lost forever
forever in one.
i since your undying will
along with my hate and envy
if i escape
it's only for a few brief moments.
momentary pleasure,
not worthy of praise.

The Reality Of It All
this prison of walls
and glass,
dissecting my mind...
psychology at it's finest.
when the day is done
after everything
you don’t go home.
you're trapped,
inside these walls.
no playing,
no talking,
no fun.
There’s nothing better
than an education...

What more can I say
________The world is like a
_______________Drowning in un-necessary things
Fired form loving
_______________Laid off from friendships
No one realizes what’s happening
________It’s not the end of the world
But it’s getting close,
________The hellacious dwelling of
____red between
Those who should be helping.
End of the rode
_______________Beginning of the path
A dust-covered walkway
___________________The right way is always the most un-used.
Why shouldn’t we accept the
When it’s only to be reformed a month
These things that we know
_______ Are
Proven wrong by many
_______ Are
Lost between languages
_______ Are
Unused and useless to
_______ Are
To blame for everything.
Your no longer needed,
________________A world so cold
Nothing can pierce the malicious
_______ Dishonor they have graced us with,
Not even the strongest diamond can
_________________Sad isn’t it?
A world of nothing but
__________________________Hate and Destruction…

*sigh* tormenting of my soul never rests. I detest everyone around me so far.... wow. i hate alot of things


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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
12:27 pm - *sighing*
Well, today so far sucks. I'm currently at school, American History class to be specific... Since i dont have access to MY computer at my house, i'll simply have to write this crappy excuse for a entry, untill i get there to put more poems up.... Although i dont like them i feed my mind on the thoughts of how i can improove them and the simplistic ways that they seem to fall togeather.

I came up with something just now it's really funny. I just said that i didnt have anything poetic to post, and now i just found some stuff i wrote a few weeks ago that's not up yet. Be Happy, All Ye Faithful Poets. :-P

Revoked from evil
_______or so they say
Free from consequences,
_____(untill i fuck up)
I cant be innocent
________my lies
memories refuse to let me
Disobeying the command
and be a good
_____________(I cant be good...
____it's not in my nature)
My morbidly
________giving up everything
just to have a quick
with you.

But then again
____You already knew that...
Tell me what you expect of me
________but expect nothing in return
your control is gone
___obediance shattered
__________________Trust dissapated
________adolesance overcome.

My thoughts say crappy... but then again i dont like my stuff.... =P

current mood: cynical
current music: The White Stripes- The Hardest Button To Button

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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
8:01 pm - Discombobulated Chibi-ness
-Sk8R’s -
Skating down the street
Wind blowing my hair into
_________________My eyes
Punk rock in my ears
_________ Jivin'
To the beat of my life
_________ Why I hadn’t done this
Smiling for once
In the rays of light shining
__________________________Way to bright
Blinding me as I look up.
_________________Sighing I return home,
Until tomorrow
___________________My freedom waits.

-I dont Care-
A pale face
_________ An unappealing smile
A heart that’s been broken too many times
I don’t feel sorry.
Ignore her
Think of stopping…
Walk by
_____________________As sorrowful tears
So familiar to me,
Flow down her cheeks.
I pause
______________________Wondering why
But then I realize who she is.
_________ Another un-popular person
Just like me,
_________ Oh well,
_________ I continue to walk by
Her heart-broken face stains my memory

Cut my wrist
I'm not
you're the one
with the razor blade.
You stare at me like I'm nuts
You wont pull it
you don't have the guts
I'm looking you right in the eye
____________What's wrong?
I want to die.
Look hard,
what do you see?
Nothing extravagant
just me.
I'm nothing more than
So poke fun
if you want to
hurt me,
_______you’re going to
Life's too long for me to love
So take my life
and send me above.
I really want to go
how badly you
Good-bye my friends
for me,
this is the end…

Suicide rolls over in my head
not knowing what to do.
I think about why you're dead,
How I'm alive I have no clue.
These words are my way out of sight
and into a hopeless mind.
The everlasting fight
Victory will be mine.
Sorry you had to wait so long
for me to realize this.
Like hitting a metal gong
it clears away the mist.
You always gave me hope
Love, dreams, and inspiration.
But without you I will cope
and over come my devastation.

-Away -
Laying in the sun I forget my pain
Feeling nothing at all
_________ Blurred
Into the blue sky
From my vision
_________ Blurred
From my memory
_________ Nothing seems to come back
The pain
_________ Hurt
_________ Of everything in my lonesome little
_________ GONE…
Never to bother me again,
_________ Those little rays of joy
Darken my skin
_________ Lightening my heart
Smiling out of
__________________ Nowhere
Could this be the answer,
__________________For all wrongs?
_________Too simple
Too easy
________________Too painless
To ever be ok.
_________ My smile disappears
A yawn
_________ Breaks my trance
Takes me back
_________Flinging my soul into
To this sad thing we call

Okay..i dont particularly []sp?[] care for my poetry...i honestly dont. These few are just ones i put up because of feeling tired. WHy you ask?? I dont know. I just felt like it.

current mood: mischievous
current music: Ugly Cassanova- Spilled Milk Factory

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
7:12 pm - Poetical nonsense
To think-

If you could have
_________ A Lifeless Death
Where would your
Body F
___To die in peace
And live in chaos,
What the irony
________Of it all.
Could you imagine
A________________G star
________________ N
_____________ T
A Bleeding C O S
For a young lamb?
Maybe a__________dying love
_________ That you only got
Last night.

To think that you can see,
________________When Love is so blind
It hurts.

My addiction to this
it's the same thing every
______goddamned day.
I provide for you,
____mothering the needs.
______nurturing the vice.
and you slowly disappear,
a sip
a gulp
an epiphany
the emptiness of the bottle never fills me.
______water torture in a drought
momentarily fulfilled,
I leave un-satisfied,
wanting more
this constant want
driving me into the
of my tiny skull, looking
for answers that I believe might be
Wanting you more than before
______(is that possible)
This addiction application is denied.
My mind races into a frantic
What am I to do without
I cannot comprehend
My mind races around
My thoughts jumble with
I don't understand your reasoning behind
I provided
Where's your goods
Or do you wish to leave me,
Completely unsatisfied.

Free falling towards the ground
I loose all sense of being.
Staring at the black cement
What does it have in store for me?
Life’s too short to tell and
Not going to stand around
To find out.
Living your dreams
Defying your nightmares,
Isn’t life so
Close your eyes.
Open your thoughts,
See the possibilities
The destruction
You have caused.
Awaken memories that have
In the back of your mind
Trying to escape
To remember
The things that
Can never be forgiven. P
When you give U
You’ll hit the ground.
What a sad thought,
For someone like
It’s almost
Please wake up.

You still ridicule
The torture of your words will never
I stand on this bridge
This cold
Summer night,
Thinking of what could have been
You wouldn’t care
Popularity has gone straight
To your head.
Little people are just a thing in the way
To you
Aren’t we?
You can’t
Deny your roots
A loner in a crowd,
Wanting attention
Needing affection
Craving love
Like there's no tomorrow.
So here I stand once again
On this swaying bridge,
Looking out over the water
This cold
Summer night
Wither to jump or

current mood: drained
current music: The Mars Volta

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10:10 am - Tired And Bitchy
The unchained feelings of torment and dispair are tearing at my soul and every inch of my body feels like it's being ran over by a steam roller.

*sigh* Today i must face my family who accept nothing accept what they want. I am not what they want. So here lies my challange, devulge my family in the pleasure of making my life a living hell for a whole day because i refuse to conform to their un-humanistic approach to life, or should i deny myself the thoughts and utter freedom of being myself just to please them and get through today.

Either way i'm fucked...

Recently i've discovered that no matter what i do one way or another life gets shoved down my throat with salted barbed wire wrapped around the edges, just so you can watch me suffer and bleed. Do i deserve such tomrent from those who claim to care? I dunno.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Trapt- Head Strong

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8:15 am - Bored
Well here i am starting this journal thing that the smurf got me into.... >.> ...o.O why? I dunno. Anyways...i'm going to look around then write back later! yay!

current mood: annoyed
current music: Trapt- Head Strong

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