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Blurty for any day andy.
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| Saturday, April 17th, 2010 |
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| suck it bitches |
| Friday, July 29th, 2005 |
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how do i make a resume!! IRUN CHEFA!! give me a job nigga!? |
| Friday, April 22nd, 2005 |
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who cares what other world exists. this is mine and i've created my own. you too will see one day and all things will be as they should... blocked retentions of clouded favors realize the mistake they've made too late. busted intricacies relate to my condition under normal circumstances, sometimes. so you know that what you gave me was a ticking fragile time bomb delayed. art is a masquerade flower cap full of wonderous visuals of dirty dishes and full stomach sacks. enough sad attempts at poetry... my head hurts because i quit smoking. 35 hours without a cigarette. i want to kill everyone. hopefully i can quit for good this time. as long as nothing drastic happens to make me feel really anxious or nervous, because then i'll really want one. ps. happy 18th birthday to my brother nickle and happy earth day to everyone else. |
| Thursday, March 10th, 2005 |
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carnival wheels spin around my bow tye neck with flips as the diaganol cracked ceramic tile stares back at me with its twisted red shaded smirk. i have eternity to burn but only one life to live. you know, i don't know about most people, but i do know, that i for one, wants to spend the rest of my life (and then some) with the only person i've ever made love to. i'm so tired after working for 30 hours in 3 days. i can hardly sit up or walk. and 10 more dreaded hours to go tomorrow. in twelve and a half hours actually. then i'll be safe till monday when that days over at least. so....... looks like shes leaving this place for the next. leaving us blurty people for livejournal. yea, we know how it is. we're not good enough for you. :P ive found my soulmate and i moved 650 miles for her. i got her name tattooed on my arm. i gave up my family for her. gave up my new car. gave up a house. gave up a great job. i give her everything i can. i give her parents $320 a month. i drive her to school and where ever she wants. i do anything she asks. i'm so so so in love with her its crazy. after 10 months of living with her i'm still so crazy about her, it's amazing. but she has abandonement issues and is continuely pushing me away. parinoid delusions coupled with indecision. maybe shes just too young for me and shes not ready to settle down yet like i am. mabye shes just afraid of being hurt, even though she knows i'd commit bloody suicide if i even thought about hurting her. so, what is it? i don't know. i've been trying so hard to get her to beleive in us like i do, but to no avail. what should i do? any advice anyone? |
| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005 |
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| why does everyone always hate me when i try so hard |
| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005 |
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Untold, Justly What abundance of nothing does one take out of the darkness to make one’s own? And tell tales of high strung, makeshift characters for their children’s children’s wealth. This is the world, they say, covered in grotesque picturesque feelings of yesteryear. In hopes of a brighter tomorrow built on the blood and death of then. And what do thou wish to gain from the destruction of natural self? Burn down your churches, for they burn the soul. Shut down your schools, for they shut down the mind. Rebel against your fascist government, for they are against you. Tear down your hateful discriminations, for they make you blind. In the ways of the old, against the backdrop of the new. Close-minded forgetfulness raking against the future that threatens their peaceful ignorance. Blasting away blasphemy towards the spirit of man. Taking up arms against hate and bigotry towards women. Countless tasks untold from the past and what now does this mean that once was that? Oil consumes not little but much when compared to blood or sweat. All in all, this and that, takes tides and wages all that is left of humanity in man against self. Burn it all to hell I say, burn it all to hell! For this was not asked for and this shall not be. Dark body-length ensembles conflicting with the pale first quarter moon light. Retorting and arguing against no one. But the infinite number of burning suns in the great distance beyond the heavens. |
| Sunday, March 6th, 2005 |
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thanks a lot for treating me like shit after i treat you like a queen. what else can i say. |
| Sunday, February 27th, 2005 |
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restless and alcohol-less look what genious art work i can come up with in 10 minutes. 
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 |
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AVRIL LAVIGNE "My Happy Ending" So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... Let's talk this over It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be [Chorus:] You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... You've got your dumb friends I know what they say They tell you I'm difficult But so are they But they don't know me Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me All the shit that you do You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be [Chorus] It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done [Chorus x2] [x2] Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... |
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unexperienced transpire to transfix your disingenuous disillusions spinning forever in a light headed state to an enchanting sound in the mirror lost in the intricacies of a nowhere place where invisible light can bust your ear drums makeshift days are homemade in the backyard blaze of underage afraid of becoming trapped in the maze of a fractalized techno haze my brain is pouring out of my nose and ears and a thick chemical cloud is seeping in words and letters stick inside my head to unknowingly become actions in the end. bone triggered sugar level insomniac itching off the fire fly wall boiling pot skulls nearly going of track always standing though we fall. |
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my award winning poem that was featured in a collection of published works and also on the sounds of poetry audio disc in 2003. Viewed In Vain Before daybreak I left my home. To where the water falls. To watch the strange, wild horses roam. To where their instinct calls. Through the trees I walk to get there. Through the grass soaked in dew. But the animals do not care of troubles I’ve went through On the riverbank I see them. Eating grass as they go. I reach and grasp for a thin limb. Then fall into the flow. The horses run away surprised. Leaving me paralyzed. |
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i'm sorry. my feelings must mean nothing. |
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crystal says "f u to heaven" "screw you to heaven" "devil damn you" "don't say dick wad, say chicken balls" my grandpa's "don't say butt hole. say you botton hole" |
| Monday, February 21st, 2005 |
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sadness breeds inside of me i only want to be somewhere else when you want me to be i only doubt when you do i only get sad when you do does this make sense to you. do you notice the pattern. that my pathetic worthless wilted rusted dusty life force revolves around the brightness of yours. for the past year baby. more than that. almost 15 months. i guess you've grown tired of the same old me and need a new fad. i know i'm a waste of pain-t this and that, i know not what i want to kill everything that wants to kill my heart isn't as ugly as i am on the outside everyone doesn't know anything who can know me when i don't even know myself i'm not anything that you think of me i'm better than anything you could ever hope for but no one believes in something that is too good to be true and everyone has this predestined defensive mechanism that causes them to hurt me before they say i'll some how hurt them but the truth is i've never ever hurt anyone in my entire life so i don't see how their thought process is validated. it's complete and utter nonsense really. where is my angel with the black eyes and golden hair that feels like satin. everyone wishes they could know her like me. the man that possesed the sun finally got it taken away from him when the armies of the world attacked him and murdered him and took it away from him. it was rightfully his and thats where it belonged and thats where it wanted to stay but everyone was just against them. they were greedy and wanted heat and light too. the screwed up story that has everyone on different sides. people never take a walk in other's shoes like i do. i understand too much. i remember too much. i know too much but its static and a jumbled craziness. too too too much. make it go away. i want to be a regular dumb person so i can cope with this horrible existence that they call normal happy healthy life. yea right. i have the worst writters block ever.. goodnight, peace and god bless you all. |
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funny how my gf told me to delete someone off of her friends list then acts like i did it without her premission i completely understand when it comes to drinking, not being able to think straight & all. anyways, there has been some problems with me trying to befriend you from the beginning, you could say. that problem, being andy in the way & causing me to look like i'm on his side, by posting under my name when i'm not (he knows my passwords--he uses my computer that's in my bedroom). there's not much i can do, except apologize for his acts, which i shouldn't have to, since i did nothing wrong. i understand that i cannot be on your friends' list if there's going to keep being this confrontation between you two. &i'm sorry. |
| Sunday, February 20th, 2005 |
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my past entrigues me as if it were someone elses. no,... just the me that had time to be creative. as you can see...... Sunday, April 18th, 2004 Subject: dreams aren't adequate anymore Time: 11:24 pm. Mood: nevermind. Music: nothing.....!!. tone tone tone like breaking plaster under a dark ceiling, rain beating the barren soil for so long with only candle light to show what you don't really want to see. and the only sound is the turbulent thunder storm that rages outside your not so comfortable abode. i can not do anything i imagine but to drift and die. down to the floor, you sink to that spot after the gravity has been pullin gyou for so long. if only to know that what you were was something worth while in the beggining. rays of sun light finally break through after a while. it shines through and through. the spirit awakens and soars once more, but for how long?? the guess is as good as any. forever forever forever is all you can hope for anything less would be unacceptable. babble on and on about nonsense. thats what i do when i get in this mood, depressed for no apparent reason. except for maybe one thing. i've never been so lonely in my life. i don't think i ever knew what it was like until this moment. this wrenching twisting feeling in your gut you can't escape from that pulls and pushes till nothing is left but the pure sadness that has been consentrated inside.......... is this it. no, we have far to go. she wont leave you she wont hurt you you can trust her she won't hurt you she wont leave you she is trustworthy she won't hurt you she wont hurt you she won't hurt you.. i know i know i know hope is all i have and a small amount of money money can't buy you happiness. money can't but you love. the word "you" has taken on a completely different meaning, or just more of a meaning. my head is a splitting log. too much tv too much food too much laying down. not enough you. scratch scratch scratch fucking scratch! i'm about to go for a walk and a cigarette, if i'm not too lazy enough. i hate this world, i'm ready for the world a month from now. i've had enough and i'm done. you're the one, you're the one. and i am so yours. yours truely, the manic depressive drama queen |
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| happy birthday |
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THE TRUTH: I, Andrew Thomas Lawton McAnulty hereby swear on my beliefs, my life, my family's lives, and my grandmother's grave(god rest her soul), testify that never in my entire life have I ever once lied to Crystal Michelle Symons. And if I have, I hope to instantly drop dead the moment that she reads this. i never looked at anyone like the way you say i did. all i care about is you and you're the only person i want to be with for the rest of my life. i keep pouring my heart out to you but you keep flushing it down the toilet like over active ovaries. i wouldn't leave you for anything or anyone in the whole fucking planet earth. you're my nirvana. |
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i'm destined to live alone for the rest of my life, cursed actually i feel the urge to exponge my poetic... uhm... yea.. whatever.. you know.. and the waves come crashing down asunder upon the fragile bitter sweet symphony. calzones and tethers that hold us so close to the edge, 12 miles on and elastic cord made of human hairs and inards that stretches ever farther down the caladiscope pitfalls of yesterday that you so easily forget. its me after all. or is it you. i don't know the difference anymore between us. which all together isn't all bad. but some psycho analyist would disagree. i feel as if though i'm a victim of split personality. only my other half doesn't want anything to do with me but i need to exist. sometimes i don't know whats real or whats in my head. everything is spelled wrong but oh well you know what i mean. that the point of language after all, to get your point made, not to be some anal cry baby about grammatical errors. eating tunaless tuna helper is such a classy meal. and alone on this so called journal of fun and free speech and getting to know new people and have interesting friends from all over the world. its become more like a prison that i know i belong to but i can leave if i want but i still stay because where else could i be safe. after having the feeling of it just being about me and you ripped away. you've found all sorts of inmates to play with now, the ones that cut me up with their make shift blades constructed out of plastic forks and things they find in the prison yard. and i'm left battling against all the prison laundry or busting huge boulders with too small of a sledge hammer or peeling mountain of potatoes that will just be thrown away latter for no reason. all the work for you, all the work for nothing..... ? |
| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005 |
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i deleted them for you then. since you wouldn't take my feelings into consideration and do it your self. to keep bringing up the pain of former lovers and to keep making me feel like your former lovers mean more than me. they're both psycho worthless losers anyway. or people you keep around just incase your worst fears will come true and you'll need someone to talk to, a second best. that will never happen. trust me already. everyone has to trust if they want to be in a relationship. bla bla bla... i've said it all before, but i guess my words are meaningless. anyway....... when will you ever marry me? |
| Friday, February 11th, 2005 |
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i wish i was me i wish you were you i am me you are you let make a stew of rubbish and returned chewing gum and then all will be ok and if that doesn't work we can have all the fun we want with a game of spin the top. and choke on our own spinal cords until theres nothing left but the delicate fringe of the same old "this and that contest." jolly old times. |
| Monday, February 7th, 2005 |
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i'll be dead tomorrow and die today since you already want me to and make feel that way the feast of fools has made it this way and all the little things that rate are gone again my life is nothing and you make it feel like everything. except......... for all those times you doubt us. because you should well know that i doubt us only when you do. but i can't ever give because i know you are the best that i can ever have. but i guess to someone as amazing as you are there are many different people that would be better than me. whatever it is........ whatever..... whatever.... all i can say is that i love you so dearly that i could not continue on with this dreary existence if you parted ways with me and left our path to find anothers with less thorns perhaps. but again; whatever..... whatever..... i just love you.. i--love---you.......! HELLO? all that i've done is alot for you. but still anyone could do all that for anyone. the point is that i'm so in love with you my heart aches just to imagine one more moment of my life without you. christy, life is hard for me. i'm so very tired. i'm not meant for this cruel world as i'm sure you aren't either. i just want to give up. but like i said before, "anyone can die for someone but it's really hard to live for someone." you keep me going, i just can't make it without you. it's the plain simple truth. i need my soulmate. i need you. i am your true love crystal...... at least i know in my heart that you're mine. |
| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005 |
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Christy Christy Christy Christy and me being apparently a "dude that seems like an asshole." while on the contrary everyone that i have ever met has said that i'm one of the best people that they have ever known, hence always being the teachers pet and so forth. and the fucking bitch bonniescott needs to get lost because she actually already is as far as her knowledge of christy goes. i've come to the realization that EVERY relationship wll have arguements and challenges. you have to support and try to understand and give people time to respond. you have to open up and trust them with your inner most dreams and desires. it takes two to tango as you always say. it's a partnership, not a "what can you do for me?" thing. support, safety, trust, openness, honesty i can only hope that i'll be waking up to see your face for the next 60 years. if not, my life is pointless. |
| Saturday, January 15th, 2005 |
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why won't she ever trust me???????? i just wish i were dead.. i really truely do. |
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why won't she ever trust me???????? i just wish i were dead.. i really truely do. |
| Thursday, December 30th, 2004 |
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      i love having eyes in the back of my head. & my sick sixth sense gets the best of me sometimes. my wallet is empty like a teenage soul but i can still get preferential treatment. it's all based upon foolery; looks. andy has been reaping money from the government, being paid since he was laid off of work. we've been sure to not tell my parents about how much his check was just worth, in case they plan to snaggle some. i wasn't concerned whether or not he'd spend a dime on me & as it goes he's wanted nothing except to buy me goodies, including a motorolla cell phone. i'm trying to eliminate my bad faith in him, despite the rest of mankind has been without a doubt on my hit list. |
| Wednesday, December 29th, 2004 |
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sick of sickhearts butter me up with bread and eat me up i'm misunderstood and understated my head is torn off and it's showing guilt trip hearts of masked fast food wings of glue support my weight and i know that everything is A-OK except the greedy beast of capitalism i can cut though the static though if i try hard enough and cringe it's all worth a siringe killer conversations eat breakfast for me sue my side and live to untry recreational offices are notarized recreated orifices want publicized no need to take risk when i already don't exist you'll read and rake my wrist where there's already a twist nobody knows how much i suffer you understand when you see me flounder my mind is weak from all the plays we've acted on let's break, even a leg, and have a reality home our militia battles are for awards and show your millipedes bathe with cars and warriors we all know we'd only be left with headaches and salty water if we took the lazy way out weeds only survive the h-bombs until sacrilegious books fill lethargic mouths tool kit dress i know that i'm not the best person in the world to be with when you're like me that's why i always knew that i'd be alone cause no one can stand me and understand why i'm like you underneath shoestrings of death and blood flakes crying and missing all over my calvaries alcholic babies make underwear orchestras sing in their diapers and no one will care the time of redemption has come to extract the steel brace plate from the cartilage brain tank useless listless nothing cowlick american casket imitator you made a wish and jinxed my links the undead world only knows why i'm laying on your train tracks because i'd rather have my guts splattered on your knees than to be put on someone elses pedastool the things i do for my soul mate... |
| Thursday, December 16th, 2004 |
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your prisoner you will never belong to me the unicorn says so and so the tragic story of andy's life nears it's final stage. this is all he had and all he ever wanted, now its gone 
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first God took away my grandmother a 2 weeks ago. the my cousin a week ago. then my house, my car, my family. now he's taking away the only reason i have for living... my fiance. why is my whole life suffering. why am i being punished. why is everyone against me. i never did anything wrong. i don't deserve this. all i wanted in life was one thing. is that too much to ask? to be with my soulmate forever. Christy.... i love you so much baby. i'm such a wreck with out you. what do i have to do God? tell me, please, i'll do anything. |
| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 |
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my mind is empty for writting journal entries right now. i wish i could of wrote in here last night though because i had this great sentence that was just bleeding out of my heart and i knew that if i started with it lots of great stuff would follow. but oh well.... i'm just typing now trying to think of something to get my creativity flowing... not working too well.. what would happen if the world died and me and you were the only ones left on its cursed surface? what would you do? i wouldn't be that upset about it. only to miss my family. but everything else would be great. the freedom and the privacy and the room to inhale. anyway.... i'm extremely happy, more than words could ever express. why? because of the subject title of this entry. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD JUST LET IT HAPPEN!!! my biggest dream is so close to coming true, i can't wait... i've never been so excited in all my life. i just want to jump on her and kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. and never stop. if this happens for me i'll never want anything again for as long as i live except for to keep what i already have. on december 31st we will begin our life long journey together and our souls will be officially united as they were meant to be. to live in happiness untill death do us part, then to meet in the next world and be together always and forever. |
| Thursday, November 18th, 2004 |
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(#$^(#^$! mine and christy's journal |
| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 |
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 belongs to crystal m symons |
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what rudementary torture chamber test tube babies grow inside my mind of neverending static and*$&%&*%&$*&#&$........ and more and more and more confused images and letters and #$&*%*@*@ that try to swim to the surface but are pushed back under....... my crowded thoughts and horrible........ tries... at articulation... being communicative never seemed so essential and..... difficult. i think i've said more to you in one month than i've said to everyone else put together in my whole existence. finally someone to talk to after 20 years. finally someone to use a higher level of vocabulary with. yes i'm staying with you because i don't want to be alone. yes i'm staying with you so that i'll have someone to talk to. yes i'm staying with you so i'll have someone to hug me. and all those are a part of me being so deeply in love with you. i'm staying with you because i love you. everyone is beautiful, handsome, cute, hot, sexy... whatever. but they're all diseased and infested and it makes me so terribly sick to my stomach. even to get within breathing distance of them and i feel like i might become infected by them. meateaters, patriotic imbiciles, comformists, rebelling for attention, capatilists, shallow, vain, conceited, greedy, nonindividualistic, whores.... humans. HUMANS!!! the most frightening say its not so, say it isn't so. please tell me i'm not one of them. i never was and i never will be apart of those.... those things.... the cancerous tumor of this planet, all sucking up everything in sight and multiplying at a horrendous rate. awareness is my god that no one else believes in. me and you. the phrase "me and you." its the only defense we have. without that, apart we will be targeted and weaker alone and their plague will devour us whole and assimilate our pure unique spirits into their raging machine of destruction. we have to stick together to make it through this war on individualism. because thats what it is, make no mistake. a war against free thinking unique minds. you're the only one like me and i'll never give up the fight to keep us free from succombing to their sickness. my mental portrait matches yours too well. |
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naughty naughty naughty caressed symptoms of what lies under and below your bed. hit the hay and hit me harder. talk me into intoxication and talk you into consumation. i never wanted anyone to change. i just wanted to be myself and make someone comfortable enough to be their self. i remember the horrible pain of trying to be someone i wasn't for someone. it never works and it just hurts you more than anything in the end. no one should ever think they have to change or be someone they're not for me. they don't want that and i surely don't want that. someone that can be their self is more important than someone trying to be what they think i want them to be. because apparently if they knew what i wanted them to be like they would know that i want them to be their self. i never meant to say "you were crazy." you know you're not crazy and you know that i know you're not crazy. i just meant your accusations were crazy. without warrent and completely ridiculous. crazy things happen in this crazy world, i agree. but to say that i fit into that group of people really hurts. i'm not someone else. i'm me. no one else is like me and no one can assume that i'll do something or be like something based on what other people do. my heart strings are taught and you keep them pulled in tune rather than letting me fall you stand against this falling room its yours or on my sleeve and thats the way i want it to be decide my fate and do whatsoever you want to do with me my choice has already been made three hundred and 65 days ago all thats left is your answer and hope. |
| Thursday, November 11th, 2004 |
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| marry me, i love you forever |
| Saturday, November 6th, 2004 |
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"i've been thinking as of late, that i should depart from a few close individuals in my life too. i would if i wasn't indecisive. with strangers, atleast there's no emotional bondage." it burns and i die more hoping that i'm just being paranoid again. be my vaccine valentine. |
| Friday, November 5th, 2004 |
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note to world: i never want much, but i always get what i want. always. |
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67.33.253.137 is from Fountain Inn, South Carolina.. not from Ohio. so i have to give proof for you to believe me. and i will too. |
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The eagerly awaited Nirvana boxset has become a Holy Grail for fans of Kurt Cobain and his grunge uber-warriors. The 3CDs feature 81 tracks with 63 of these being previously unreleased recordings of rehearsals, outtakes and Kurt's home demos. Meanwhile the DVD features unreleased band home movies, live footage, rehearsal footage and 20 full length video performances. Nirvana were one of the most important bands to ever emerge from the US underground scene and 'With The Lights Out' is an indispensable addition to any fans collection. Disc One Provisional Tracklisting 1. Heartbreaker 2. Anorexorcist 3. White, Lace And Strange 4. Help Me I'm Hungry 5. Mrs Butterworth 6. If You Must 7. Pen Cap Chew 8. Downer 9. Floyd The Barber 10. Raunchola 11. Moby Dick 12. Beans 13. Don't Want It All 14. Clean Up Before She Comes 15. Polly [Solo] 16. About A Girl 17. Blandest 18. Dive 19. They Hung Him On A Cross 20. Grey Goose 21. Ain't It A Shame 22. Token Eastern Song 23. Even In His Youth 24. Polly Disc Two Provisional Tracklisting 1. Opinion 2. Lithium 3. Been A Son 4. Sliver 5. Where Did You Sleep Last Night 6. Pay To Play 7. Here She Comes Now 8. Drain You 9. Aneurysm 10. Smells Like Teen Spirit [Demo] 11. Breed 12. Verse Chorus Verse 13. Old Age 14. Endless, Nameless 15. Dumb 16. D-7 17. Oh The Guilt 18. Curmudgeon 19. Return Of The Rat 20. Smells Like Teen Spirit [Butch Vig Mix] Disc Three Provisional Tracklisting 1. Rape Me [Solo] 2. Rape Me 3. Scentless Apprentice 4. Heart Shaped Box 5. I Hate Myself And I Want To Die 6. Milk It 7. Moist Vagina 8. Gallons Of Running Alcohol Flows Through The Strip 9. The Other Improv 10. Serve The Servants 11. Very Ape 12. Pennyroyal Tea 13. Marigold 14. Sappy [Verse Chorus Verse] 15. Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam 16. Do Re Mi 17. You Know You're Right 18. All Apologies Disc Four - DVD Provisional Tracklisting 1. Love Buzz 2. Scoff 3. About A Girl 4. Big Long Now 5. Immigrant Song 6. Spank Thru 7. Hairspray Queen 8. School 9. Mr Moustache 10. Big Cheese 11. In Bloom 12. Sappy 13. School 14. Love Buzz 15. Pennyroyal Tea 16. Smells Like Teen Spirit 17. Territorial Pissings 18. Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam 19. Talk To Me 20. Seasons In The Sun |
| Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004 |
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now here we go can you feel the wind. i can't breathe when you cry but i'll be there to hold you tight |
| Monday, November 1st, 2004 |
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why do i feel so sick from reading some things? such as: "i will keep in touch. i will if you will or i will even if you will not (atleast i'll try until)..... my eyelids are surrounded by poppy seeds so as i am extremely tired & i don't like to put the rest of this conversation on stilts by having it posted on here. i am. even if our friendship or whatever you want to call it has been displaced, obviously we still end up talking somehow........ EVEN OVER SENDING PICTURES! well, there you have it. &now you feel that you need to give them back?.. that's such a thoughtful act actually. you could've tossed it out with the weekly trash after all this time. did i just say that?! i mean, i kept yours too! so as you do for me i will do unto you? i understand the sentimental values you were explaining about them. see, relating again? simply send me the word if you need my address. -:) pleasant to read that someone feels "intimidated" over my intelligence (you're the first&last!), not saying that i'd ever admit to having a charmed ego... but like i said, it soothes the soul over to hear it coming from someone; you. try to never ever feel that way when it comes to me, take a minute to think that i might just put you right up their on a pedestal, polishing your name in my head like a trophy oror something supreme like that. THINK BONNIE! don't be silly. most of all, don't be shy with me (even if it is cute.). just be open if you CAN, &tell me directly. that's one quality that i always remembered of yourself; observation skills. &the movie 'american beauty' comes to mind as you mentioned "finding beauty and amusement in the little things." you have to invent some hope that you may somehow be able to formulate your own way of doing things, without falling back on others as an example. even if it is a way of learning on what NOT to do... that's what makes it interesting... the unknown. do you not ever have any ideas spark when you take a hit? if you ever possibly care to dive into what it is you are being taught for majoring in cultural and the visual studies, feel free to share. i have to go hang myself with a hangover now. i'm terribly disappointed that i haven't done any work. with that in mind, i'm adjourning. gonna go beat some literature to death. so long B." am i worthy of such a long comment? or am i just too paranoid? |
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i hate people more than ever my eyes see photons and neutrons and monsters in tacky over the top relentless clone like costumes. halloween lasts three hundred and sixty four days while theres one day when people are real. they just have it mixed up and backwards. i see ancient mythological creatures so scary my hearts skips even more than normal and i can't breathe when they all gather around me like i'm a freak show in their garden of perfect roses all the same. its all so sickening i almost vomited up my spinach pizza back to the ground where it came from, if only i would have then maybe they would have gave me some space to breath. but no, i was only left by the only thing keeping my reality from crashing into an abyss and dragging me down into the depths of a black hole in their stomach-eyes. this all killed me more than ever and i was dead for 3 minutes, for 10,000 years until you returned from the evil caricatures you call family. left alone in the cold in the middle of these awful monsters until my anxiety became so compacted it exploded with neural energy and the object of their use for viewing blacked out for an instant and i felt safe and only came back with enough dimmness to keep me safe from their grasp. i've been so falsely accused more than any criminal in the history of court cases that my heart will cease to beat if it happens one more time. my soulmate left me to die and all i could was cry and plead for some higher force to save me again. shes murdered my soul so many times but always brings me back again before it slips too far away to be returned. but i don't care when alls well that ends well. because my love for her is so strong that it can and will conquer anything in our path. shes what i live for and shes what i'll die for. my one and only for all eternity, the owner of my heart forever. brittle metal syringe room filled smoke area drinking contest sex scent fingers forcing with tongues on secret skin. masturbation with busch lite in left hand and winchester in right. one person to be my companion/lover/bestfriend/partner/soulmate and battle against all of humanity with me for the rest of my life is all i ever wanted and i can't even have that. its all up to her, my life or my death. |
| Wednesday, October 27th, 2004 |
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my idiocy has crowned me fool once again with a sledge hammer only to have my skull fractured and my heart full of knives II. as if there was any part to the first one because i didn't have any time at all to write what i wanted to the first time but thats ok because i've thought it out more now and i'll be able to write it better now, hopefully. at any rate... as YOU know (now that this journal is just for you, as i want it anyway) over the past few weeks i've been under a great deal of stress with everything, ie: financial problems, being threated to be kicked out every few days, not being trusted by my soulmate, constantly worrying someone will take you away from me because i'm so [ugly, dumb, nontalkative, boring, poor, etc. etc. etc...], and with everyone asking you "why are you with him?" "why don't you give this other guy a try" "andy's not good enough for you." i guess when you feel like you're going to loose something so great and important and necessary to you, you start to get very sad and frustrated with life. even though thats no excuse for the way i was acting those past few weeks i just want to say from the bottom of my heart that i am very sorry and that it won't happen again. or at least i'm going to try my damndest not to let it happen again. you made me realize what i was acting like and made me realize what will happen from acting like that. you have no idea how horrible i feel about it and i would give everything to go back and change it. but all of this is just words and really doesn't mean anything. i just hope that you can tell now that its over and that you can feel my love when i hold you and know that you are my everything and i can't live without you. no matter whats said and done theres one thing that always remains constant in my mind. you are who i want for the rest of my life and i don't give a damn about anyone else. life isn't worth living if i can't have that. i won't live, if you die, if i can feel you in the wind |
| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004 |
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| my idiocy has crowned me fool once again with a sledge hammer only to have my skull fractured and my heart full of knives |
| Wednesday, October 20th, 2004 |
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March 22 2004 "love is a strange thing. i think alot of people go through their whole life not ever feeling this kind of compassion or affection because they're chemically inhibited or programed by society not to have feelings or i'm just overly sensitive from some chemical imbalance. which ever i'm glad i feel it stronger than anything else. alot of people confuse it with lust maybe. nothing physical really interests me that much. sure it affects me physically just as much as anyone else but i just don't care much about it in my mind. i'm more concerned about emotional fulfillment than satisfying my lustful cravings. not that theres anything bad about that. i'm just different. i'm afraid i might come off sounding like i think i'm better than everyone. the truth is i always feel like i'm the worst person in the world. i do admit i really want to be proved wrong though. but anyway it all comes down to what the majority of people think about you and i've never ever cared about that one bit. i do care about what a few people think about me though, the people that are important to me. there's not many. the main person of course being christy. shes my best friend and my companion. the only person i really feel comfortable talking to about anything. she loves me for who i am. i don't really know but it seems like someone like that is hard to come by. its embarassing because i was so sure i knew what love was before i met her, i was stubburn about it. but i realized i didn't really know till she showed me. i had it confused with friendship i think. one thing love is, is knowing that you'd give up everything for someone, even life itself. just like romeo and juliet, till death do us part." |
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the only time i don't feel inadequate is when you hold me and tell me i'm not. you said somebody else has a personality more like yours than mine is. that just can't be true because when i really think about it, we're so much alike its scary. so i spend all my time worrying about those that only have pity, money, time, drugs to give you. and all i have is nothing but me, which isn't much. thats why i thought i'd never have anyone. because all i have is just myself and my undieing love to offer. i just always hoped that i'd find someone that would be happy with just that and love me as much as i love them. i believe i've found that in you and thats why i'll go through anything to be with you and i'll never give up in a million years. i live to make you smile. and my purpose in life is to be with you and make you happy. i just hope i am and that i continue to for the rest of my life. just ask me and talk to me instead of letting yourself worry so much. i want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything because i want to listen and help make things better, you know that. if you think i won't understand or i'll flip out or something if you talk to me, just try me. i'm your fiance, soulmate, true love. thats what i'm here for and thats what i live for. now for me to go to work for ten and a half hours and try not to fall asleep. |
| Monday, October 18th, 2004 |
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electroshock therepy babysitters undertake all thats understood in a world so fragile as an anvil with time left over to kill everything in my path of your resistance because aren't we all already dead and all the same when someone looks back a thousand years from now empty tanks and empty stomachs and empty brains all thanks to one person we hate but can't say so again and again and again i say the same things over and over until its all just static you don't wanna hear its not my fault things have turned out how they are, or maybe it is. but the future is what matters and i'll fight to the death if you will too. i can never write as good as i used to in this constant state of stress people put me through even now my heart feels as if its a worn out junked motor about to fall through the floor board and i'm shaking so much that its difficult to type. and the weight on my chest from the oppressive anxiety makes all that much more easier to think. YEA RIGHT so i'll just burn with this head ache untill my blood vessels explode all over your heart to die in you arms like i always wanted to anyway. kurt, i know what its like to be accused of doing something horrible that you would never ever do but no one will believe you for anything. good ridance soulless me, underfoot again, ignored and left out in the cold because apparently anyone and anything is more important than my feelings. i'm sorry for being what you always wanted and i hope to burn at the stake for what i'm not. |
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| nobody believes me and nobody cares about me so i might as well die. |
| Tuesday, October 12th, 2004 |
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our undeniable retractions of semen blossoms relinquished and unuddered underneath velvet skies and whats left is too much nothing for even nostrodomas to take lightly with all our apostoliptical promises reunited we're left woth only the little bit of who we once thought we only were which is something at all but flat breath the timing is correctly positioned and you and me with our two-bodied-one-personality know that if it ends we kill ourselves clinging to the one true thing we know as true is better than giving up for soemthing that never will be food, beer, cigarettes and all the other bad things will carry us into the next hopeful century where we will meet and be as one tomorrow morning. a poem from your lover, forever and gratefully your, undoubtfully, XXXOOOraggedyandyXOXOXO |
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graveyard baptism wicked croquet franchise delays caused by the iron work retrobution departments only to cause the dyslexic undertones before they burst forth redundancy is as redundancy does and of course i'm the ill fitted king of all there after this leery tetra-playground ruckus is what i live for and the one with her pseudo-armor halloween costume worn year round, that i adore so well you in quotation marks strown aside the door asunder is whince it came and so shall we melt like lightining bolts on new years day filled with too much of something to regret albeit strong as it may be, i can still see even through the hollow fog of yesterday and mind you yet, i can keep this up for ten thousand days more that i already have it's a blister disease i'm blessed/cursed with you see my dear (C)razy (M)ary-nothing-wannabe for how can my rose hate itself whe i love is so? |
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Blurty for any day andy.
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bitchy.
confused.
amused.