| sorry... |
|
| 05:02am 22/04/2004 |
| |
mood:  annoyed music: Silver and Cold -AFI
|
sorry its been so long since i've updated. i'm going insane. but yea, i'm just writing this entry to appologize. i'll write more in different entries. i seem to have been keeping up with my xanga but none of my other journals. i've just been too damn lazy to update my livejournal and my blurty. so, i shall copy and paste every entry that i have made in my xanga since i stopped updating in this. so, sorry! and yea, by the way. i'm blocking you anonymous dumb fucks from commenting if i can. you people really need to get lives. if you have something to say, then show yourself or go fuck off. morons.
-ellie-
i am the night, i am BATMAN...not really...but that'd be cool if i was XD |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| gawd, if you're real, strike me down now... |
|
| 05:08am 22/04/2004 |
| |
mood: aggravated music: (can't get) my head around you -The Offspring
|
so, i think, i'm going insane. have i fallen for davis? do i still love mattt? i mean, still have feelings for mattt, but i love davis to i think. how the hell am i supposed to figure out my life when it just keeps getting more and more confusing. what the hell does this world want me to do?! i feel like jumping out a window. i really want to. i can't take this anymore
FUCK LOVE...meagan, i know how you feel. love is all pain...my feelings are only one way... |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
| 05:12am 22/04/2004 |
| |
mood:  apathetic music: losing my religion -REM
|
day 3 of being sick. my throat feels better but i can't breathe. maybe i'll suffocate or something...hm...hoping, really hoping. no one is on AIM right now. i want to talk to davis. i want to talk to somebody. i don't know who. i just feel like talking. but not on the phone because i feel like shit, and i can barely talk. fucking cold. i talked to otis last night. i haven't talked to him forever. i wish he hadn't of moved to Augusta. he said it's easier to sneak into a britney spears concert than it is to get a hold of me. lol. funny. i never thought of it as hard to get a hold of me. but i guess lately it has been. i've either been on the internet, not home, or sleeping. i have a full schedule. my mother dearest keeps sending me stupid emails. i just delete them all. doesn't she get that? *sigh* i hate emails from family, they're all pointless bull shit. hey meagan, i heard a song from REM. *nods head* yup. it was called "Losing My Religion" i like it well, i haven't really heard anything else from them yet, but i do like, well, actually, i love that song so yea, just thought i'd let you know. wow. this journal entry is long and pointless. and i'm going to continue writing long and pointless junk on this entry until someone starts talking to me. which, isn't likely to happen soon. so, i think i'll probably end up running out of things to say before someone actually talks to me. you know what, ryan, why aren't you ever on? bad ryan! get your ass on and talk to me, i'm BORED! gawd. nothing to do. nothing at all. i'm still wearing the same thing i was wearing friday...keep in mind that its sunday now...yea, i'm not a very kept person. i'm pretty far from that. i am considering taking a shower tonight. mother dearest will probably make me. oh well! blek. i hate showers. i've been saying blek alot lately. blek isn't even a word. oh well, who cares? i'm entertaining myself sort of. i decided i'm not going to talk to matt s. anymore. if he doesn't want to be friends than, oh well, i don't care i guess. >.< ok. so, i do care, but i'm not going to let him know that. even though according to davis, i'm a bad liar X_x oh well, i'm not afraid to admit that. yup, have to love the orange and black. heh. i feel like yelling really really loud. maybe screaming would be better. i dont know. i'm really bored...hm. i guess i'll go, i can't think of anything to write. hm. well, peace love and empathy.
-ellie- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| this entry is actually from april 20th |
|
| 05:14am 22/04/2004 |
| |
|
mood: love sick music: Love Buzz -Nirvana
|
does anyone else know someone that they love so much that every time you see them you have to hold your breath just so you wont scream out "I LOVE YOU!" at the top of your lungs? gawd. i felt like that today, but it wasn't about mattt for once...it was when i was around davis. gawd. i can't fall for davis. i just can't...i feel like i just want to explode. and then he touched my arm today. i actually found myself thinking "i'll never wash this arm again" what the hell is wrong with me? and then he started playing with my hair, and i zoned out day dreaming about him. please don't tell me i'm falling for him...i can't talk anymore...i'm the world's dart board, just shoot your anger at me..
-ellie- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| this entry is actually from april 20th |
|
| 05:14am 22/04/2004 |
| |
|
mood: love sick music: Love Buzz -Nirvana
|
does anyone else know someone that they love so much that every time you see them you have to hold your breath just so you wont scream out "I LOVE YOU!" at the top of your lungs? gawd. i felt like that today, but it wasn't about mattt for once...it was when i was around davis. gawd. i can't fall for davis. i just can't...i feel like i just want to explode. and then he touched my arm today. i actually found myself thinking "i'll never wash this arm again" what the hell is wrong with me? and then he started playing with my hair, and i zoned out day dreaming about him. please don't tell me i'm falling for him...i can't talk anymore...i'm the world's dart board, just shoot your anger at me..
-ellie- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| this entry is actually from april 20th |
|
| 05:17am 22/04/2004 |
| |
|
mood: love sick music: Love Buzz -Nirvana
|
does anyone else know someone that they love so much that every time you see them you have to hold your breath just so you wont scream out "I LOVE YOU!" at the top of your lungs? gawd. i felt like that today, but it wasn't about mattt for once...it was when i was around davis. gawd. i can't fall for davis. i just can't...i feel like i just want to explode. and then he touched my arm today. i actually found myself thinking "i'll never wash this arm again" what the hell is wrong with me? and then he started playing with my hair, and i zoned out day dreaming about him. please don't tell me i'm falling for him...i can't talk anymore...i'm the world's dart board, just shoot your anger at me..
-ellie- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| this entry is actually from april 20th |
|
| 05:17am 22/04/2004 |
| |
|
mood: love sick music: Love Buzz -Nirvana
|
does anyone else know someone that they love so much that every time you see them you have to hold your breath just so you wont scream out "I LOVE YOU!" at the top of your lungs? gawd. i felt like that today, but it wasn't about mattt for once...it was when i was around davis. gawd. i can't fall for davis. i just can't...i feel like i just want to explode. and then he touched my arm today. i actually found myself thinking "i'll never wash this arm again" what the hell is wrong with me? and then he started playing with my hair, and i zoned out day dreaming about him. please don't tell me i'm falling for him...i can't talk anymore...i'm the world's dart board, just shoot your anger at me..
-ellie- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| i love you so much it makes me sick |
|
| 05:18am 22/04/2004 |
| |
mood:  excited music: You Know You're Right -Nirvana
|
ok. anyways. let me see, today, well, now yesterday, i came home at like 10 a.m. because i was sick. i threw up in ms. shelly's room. except, i made it to the bathroom in there. which was good. matt s. appologized, but i'm not sure if i should believe him, appologies are so fake these days. but, i don't know. sorry meagan about the cell phone ringing during toney's class! lol. stevie is on aim! yay! other wise i'd be ripping my hair out, out of pure boredom. well, hilary finally sent me the picture of davis in drag. i was like yay! the babe in drag XD yea. i feel like a fucking 12 year old drooling over some boy band. except i'm drooling over davis. ahh! shoot me now PLEASE!!!!! and i have pictures of Kurt Cobain all over my room. and i when i woke up (i came home and took a nap after i got dismissed early from school) at 4 p.m. i looked around my room at all the pictures of Kurt Cobain and then my mind kept screaming DAVIS!!! at me. gawd i'm going insane. why do i have to like davis? =\ i really need to change the subject. ok. ahha! well, i was watching Rockzilla earlier (1 hour block of rock music videos) on Fuse T.V. (the best music video channel) and the video for "You Know You're Right" by Nirvana came on. i was so excited because you barely ever see Nirvana videos on t.v. anymore, unless it's like Kurt's birthday or his *sigh* deathday. which i don't like to discuss. but yea. well. i'll try to put the picture of davis in drag on the xanga but i'll do it in a different entry. i'm going to go.
peace love empathy,
-ellie-
---Things have never been so swell, i have never felt so well...---
-Kurt Cobain -You Know You're Right... |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| you make me want to scream how i feel... |
|
| 05:19am 22/04/2004 |
| |
mood: exanimate music: The Reason -Hoobastank
|
GAWD! what is wrong with me?! i can't love davis. it's not right. but i do. and i hate myself for it. no. we're too close. i can't feel like this about him. some one save me from this. it's like, i see him and i smile, but then, at the same time, i just hurt like hell inside and i just sit there like, what the fuck is going on. i can't love davis. not that way. i mean, he's like my brother. but i love him more than that. i don't really like mattt all that much anymore. but then again, i do. but davis. gawd...i'm going insane. i can't believe i found myself thinking "omg i'll never wash this arm again!" after he touched it the other day. then i shook myself out of it and was like what the hell just happened there? i feel so sad sitting here. everything that comes to mind makes me think of davis. i was reading ryan's (Darksides) Xanga site earlier and then i just started thinking "i wonder what davis is doing?" which since its like 5:31 a.m. right now, and that was at 3 a.m. its kind of obvious that he was sleeping. and now that i wrote that, i'm sitting here thinking "i wonder what he's dreaming about." am i in love with davis? gawd. why do i have to love the guys i can never have. oh my fucking gawd. i love him so much it makes me physically ill. i need a fucking psychiatrist or something. i'm going insane. davis loves hannah, hannah loves, well, arthur, and i love davis. gawd its a fucking soap opera. the scary thing is, i can't think of anything i don't like about him. i mean, he's got everything. he's funny, sweet, understanding, and oh my gawd he is beautiful. and his smile, you can't see him smile with out smiling yourself. i can't even look into his eyes with out smiling. gawd his eyes are beautiful. they look like Kurt Cobain's eyes! and then his hair is just so cool! and he's grunge and he's got awesome music taste. and then he's just so, he's himself. i have to literally hold my breath around him so i don't scream. i want to scream. i want to scream right now. and i want to tell him i love him. but gawd, no, i can't do that. i'm afraid of ruining our friendship. and if i ruin mine and davis' friendship. then i might as well commit suicide. because i couldn't live with out davis. the thoughts of him haunt me enough. i need to go. i have to something, anything to get my mind off davis. gawd i love him. i love him more than life it self. i don't love life much, so, i'll say that i love him more than anything. more than music. now thats alot of fucking love. gawd. i need to go.
-ellie-
i hate having to hold my breath around you just so i wont scream out how much i love you, i hate having feelings that are one-way. i hate hurting myself. i love thinking of you, i love being around you, i love you... |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
|
|