05:28pm 03/02/2005
mood: Content and calm
I'm sorry that I sort of disappeared for the past few days. Things had gotten pretty hectic with the German students leaving for their internships. We went to iD on Saturday night and I was going out a lot with Irina even before then, trying to spend whatever little time we had left with each other. The past days have pretty much been a blur with going out and staying up until 6-8 in the morning. On Monday, people from the International House decided to eat out at a small restaraunt near home since Irina was leaving first thing in the morning. I never thought that everyone would celebrate my birthday that evening, but since Irina knew she wouldn't be there on the night of the 1st, she made everyone sing for me. ^^; She even bought me dessert, which was so nice of her. Li and I stayed up the entire night with her and until we left for the train station at 6-ish. The Korean girls, Ramon, and a few others got up just to see her off. Jordan, Li, and I drove with her to the station in Shin Toyohashi. I couldn't stop crying that morning and Irina couldn't either, so we ended up laughing and crying a lot at the station. I didn't feel too embarrassed and kind of glared at the people who were staring at us. ~.~;; God, it was so hard to part from her since she's pretty much been the closest thing I had to a sister here and someone I could talk to. We sort of calmed down a bit after awhile, but once I saw the gates being opened for the first train, I started crying all over again, hugging her and the other German girls. The car ride home was fairly silent and I knew Jordan was worried about me since he knew how attached I was to Irina. I ended up crying myself to sleep and even when I woke up in the late afternoon, I started all over again. ~.~;;

By the time I finally dragged myself out of bed and got ready, Juu knocked on my door, asking if I wanted another part time job. I seriously wasn't in the best of moods and considering that it was my birthday, I tried to cheer up. I told her I already was teaching English and that I really wasn't interested, but at the same time, her boss called her, wanting to speak to me. I took the phone and spoke to her in Japanese for some time, ended up being dragged into taking it without too much of a say and being a pushover. She asked me to prepare a simple resume and wanted me to work from 9-10 that evening. Not thinking much of it, I just said alright. I changed into more professional clothing and ran out the door to hurry to school in order to translate my resume into Japanese. I suddenly realized that I forgot my work permit, so I had to turn around and rush home again. ~.~; Once I walked in the door, I found a package in my inbox with a brief letter attached to it. I took it back upstairs to my room, my mood lightening briefly, knowing that someone had thought of me, only for it to darken in record timing once I read the letter. It basically said, 'Happy birthday! I bought this thinking of you as a friend, but as usual, I was definitely right and you're not a true friend. If you were, you would've called me and Nicholas to your party last night. Are we such disgusting people? I shouldn't have gotten you anything. Don't ever say that word to me again, but anyway, happy birthday and have fun!' I began to feel the burn of tears, but more than anything, I was tired, exhausted from staying up, and growing bloody pissed off at Zabu's attitude. I first called Juu, several times since she didn't answer her phone, cancelling work that evening. I didn't give a damn if her boss got irked, but I couldn't leave like this. I called Zabu next, a dully surprised at how dark I sounded when I bluntly asked her where she was and what time she'd get home. I tried to start talking to her on the phone, but she said she'd like to wait until she was home. I agreed dully and was told that she'd be back in about half an hour. I waited nearly three hours, finally resorting to writing a letter back to her since I was on the verge of snapping, feeling horribly guilty that I didn't bother to call her the night prior. I explained to her that the so-called party was not meant for me, but Irina since she was leaving. I didn't know that they were going to surprise me at midnight, so I didn't have much control over it. Besides, I thought they weren't home since both of their doors were shut and the lights were off. The thing that made me hesitate was that I'd be bothering her after we had that talk some time before and how bloody stupid I felt afterwards. She doesn't realize how sharp her words are and how strong her assumptions can be. Now I was being accused of leaving her out intentionally and that was not the case.

Jordan came to my room as I was writing the letter, asking me if I was alright from prior. I already was sick that day, but the emotional impact of Irina leaving and Zabu accusing me of cruel was too much. He spoke with me for some time, telling me that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel as guilty as I did. I felt a little better, but when 9:00 finally came, Zabu came to my room with a smile. I perhaps should've spoken with her then, but I was so tired and dark, that I just handed her the letter and bluntly told her to read it. She saw Jordan in my room, her smile faltering as I told her I was going out. She took it, leaving, which I briefly felt guilty again, but this time, I wasn't going to let myself be crushed in guilt. I can't always take the full brunt of the blame for everything, especially for something not entirely in my control. True, yes, I could've called her, but I didn't. It turned out that the two of them HAD been home and just decided to listen to all of us leave, I suppose testing us. No one on the first floor knew that they were home, so I don't know how she expected me to be psychic and know as well. God, I had such an awful headache afterwards.

I was going out to eat alone, but I ended up confiding in Li, who met me at Sukiya. She came back to International House afterwards and I felt so much happier when she brought me a little cake and a gift to celebrate my birthday. She stayed until 6:00 in the morning, and Juu along with En came to my room as well for awhile, which was nice. When I saw Li off at the entrance, it was snowing outside and I felt better, not letting Zabu's accusations drive fully into me, since I know myself and I would never leave anyone out of things intentionally.

I went out with Natsuko yesterday, a girl I had met at the Onken party, and we hung out from 4 until midnight. I helped her a bit with English before she drove me out to a huge temple that has foxes as gods. It was a beautiful place, yet it was freezing out. It got dark fairly quickly, so after wandering around a bit, we left, going to a little store with odds and ends, before settling in a manga cafe. We had dinner and dessert there, reading various manga. I flipped through some of Hunter x Hunter along with Basara, so it was nice. ^^ We went to a Seibunkan afterwards, so that she could rent various music and movies before dropping me off at International House.

I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt emails and birthday wishes. You've truly made my day and I feel a lot better now. I love all of you and even though my birthday didn't quite start off right, it is definitely one of the most memorable. Thank you so much again. ^^
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