Greg's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-01-23 12:13
Subject:My heart is broke, but I have some glue
Security:Public

My heart's not really broke. Nothing's wrong. I'm really happy. Happy as can be atleast.. hmm a MAJOR UPDATE.. I'm a college student (in the fall) at RU. (Radford University for you idiots) I have a girlfriend, (but you know) she's my world. My little princess. Things are going great between us. I'm going to meet and take out her mom soon, so she can TRUST me more. Hopefully it'll be just me her and her mom. But it'll probably be, me and her whole family, lol... oh well. They all can trust me more. I love her, and I just want what's best for her.

Now, hmm I have to tell mrs. Q the good news about Radford.

I'm making Branden a Nirvana cd, because I don't feel like copying my box set right now.. It's a bunch of different bands covering nirvana songs. Like yellowcard, Pearl Jam, Fear Factory, Tori Amos, etc.. it's coolies

I have to copy Shinedown for Haley, which means I need more cd's soon. I love her.

It's really cold, and I'm going to read the paper now, well look at stuff to buy for her. I'm getting her a stereo for her b/day and a dozen roses for V-day's... I need money, like an advance somewhere.. or either, let the flower place let me pay them on V-day.

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Date:2005-01-23 12:13
Subject:My heart is broke, but I have some glue
Security:Public
Mood: happy
Music:All apologies (nirvana cover) - Yellowcard

My heart's not really broke. Nothing's wrong. I'm really happy. Happy as can be atleast.. hmm a MAJOR UPDATE.. I'm a college student (in the fall) at RU. (Radford University for you idiots) I have a girlfriend, (but you know) she's my world. My little princess. Things are going great between us. I'm going to meet and take out her mom soon, so she can TRUST me more. Hopefully it'll be just me her and her mom. But it'll probably be, me and her whole family, lol... oh well. They all can trust me more. I love her, and I just want what's best for her.

Now, hmm I have to tell mrs. Q the good news about Radford.

I'm making Branden a Nirvana cd, because I don't feel like copying my box set right now.. It's a bunch of different bands covering nirvana songs. Like yellowcard, Pearl Jam, Fear Factory, Tori Amos, etc.. it's coolies

I have to copy Shinedown for Haley, which means I need more cd's soon. I love her.

It's really cold, and I'm going to read the paper now, well look at stuff to buy for her. I'm getting her a stereo for her b/day and a dozen roses for V-day's... I need money, like an advance somewhere.. or either, let the flower place let me pay them on V-day.

Oh well, This is it, and I'm gone.. I'll update laters

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Date:2005-01-21 03:03
Subject:I'll be just fine... Pretending I'm not...
Security:Public
Mood: nervous
Music:The Used - I caught Fire

Well it's been another long time since I've updated, and I"ll just say that... I'm happy. I'm in love. I love Haley... but things are a bit weird... She wants me to come over to her house when no one else is there/awake... which i don't really like because it's like me basically risking a lot of my hide... I'm 18, she's 14... she's already told me her parents hate me... so if I got caught, I might as well just walk to jail... So yeah... I'm not sure what I want to do yet... I really wanna go over just to hold her, I love her... but at the same time, I value my freedom... so yeah.. That'll take more time and sleep to figure out...

Nothing else really much to say, sorry I haven't updated in a long time.. I'll try to get better at it though...

-Greg

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Date:2005-01-21 03:03
Subject:I'll be just fine... Pretending I'm not...
Security:Public
Mood: nervous
Music:The Used - I caught Fire

Well it's been another long time since I've updated, and I"ll just say that... I'm happy. I'm in love. I love Haley... but things are a bit weird... She wants me to come over to her house when no one else is there/awake... which i don't really like because it's like me basically risking a lot of my hide... I'm 18, she's 14... she's already told me her parents hate me... so if I got caught, I might as well just walk to jail... So yeah... I'm not sure what I want to do yet... I really wanna go over just to hold her, I love her... but at the same time, I value my freedom... so yeah.. That'll take more time and sleep to figure out...

Nothing else really much to say, sorry I haven't updated in a long time.. I'll try to get better at it though...

-Greg

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Date:2005-01-21 03:03
Subject:I'll be just fine... Pretending I'm not...
Security:Public
Mood: nervous
Music:The Used - I caught Fire

Well it's been another long time since I've updated, and I"ll just say that... I'm happy. I'm in love. I love Haley... but things are a bit weird... She wants me to come over to her house when no one else is there/awake... which i don't really like because it's like me basically risking a lot of my hide... I'm 18, she's 14... she's already told me her parents hate me... so if I got caught, I might as well just walk to jail... So yeah... I'm not sure what I want to do yet... I really wanna go over just to hold her, I love her... but at the same time, I value my freedom... so yeah.. That'll take more time and sleep to figure out...

Nothing else really much to say, sorry I haven't updated in a long time.. I'll try to get better at it though...

-Greg

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Date:2005-01-09 15:18
Subject:Truth, covered insecurity
Security:Public
Mood: happy
Music:Lounge Act - Nirvana

Well the first update of the new year of the new me....

Hmm I'm 18 years old. It's the year 2005. There's about 5 months to go til I graduate. I'm seeing this girl who is AMAZING. I Love her more than anything. Experince everything to me. I'll keep rotten jealousy. I love hearing songs that I don't know the lyrics to, then making them up to fit there, and they're my own! lol...

Alana's back at College, I'm still here...

I went bowling for the first time ever...

I didn't cheat on my girlfriend...

I love her more than anything...

Nirvana rocks socks! I have my first guitar. I suck, and it sucks. But I can play come as you are and blew. I can play some of the intro to "The quiet things no one ever knows" and yeah. I suck.

I need a cell phone. I require one! lol... Well yeah.. this spanned out longer than I wanted it too... I love you Alana, I love you haley. You are the brunette's in my life. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a LONG time. I love you all, I love you both.

-Gregg

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Date:2004-12-08 10:16
Subject:A new post...
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:Breed - Nirvana

I just realized, I haven't updated on here in a long time. I'll just talk abit about how things are.


Things between me and Haley are cool now. She's a great girl, my best friend, and things work like that. We talk almost every night, she really understands me, I sound like a broken record, but ah, I like it. I like her... I love her.

Memories

I bought three Nirvana cd(s),Tape the other day. It's cool as shit beans

I have to go to Danville again soon. I have to find Haley another stocking.. or else someone isn't gonna have one... that's gonna suck ass cheeks...

I'm getting her a Hoodie for Christmas...

Well you know, whatever... nevermind... she wants one.. I know she does.. she wants me to get it for her, I know she does.. oh well... ... I will...

-Gregg

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Date:2004-12-03 00:37
Subject:I hate myself....
Security:Public
Mood:Suicidal
Music:Nivana - I hate myself and I want to die

No one will possibly understand me when I say I hate myself.. No one will ever know how much I actually think about committing suicide, and how far I let myself go into actually killing myself... I've gotten it down to a fault now... Grayson is going to take me to Wal-Mart, I'm going to buy the actual gun (a braztech 12 gauge) not a remington Kurt, but it'll do... I'm going to buy 5 shells for it. I'm going to fire it for the first time into a barn at Payton's house, to see the impact it will have from far away, from there, I'm going to fire it again closer, to see the damage it'll do as a close up shot. I want then to use a watermelon, or canteloupe, to see the impact possibly on my head... ... It's a single shot gun, so yeah...

From there, it's into Payton's house... I'm going to go into the upper room where he chimeny runs out, (the two widnows on both sides, pointing towards the road) and I'm going to compose my "suicide note" ... I'm going to use a red pen (Kurt) and try to use type paper... I'm going to try to limit it, but I'm going to make sure that I stop anyone's STUPID attempt to want to kill themselves if I die... ... .... I know NO ONE will...

After the note's written, I'm going to place it on the other side of the room, and come sit towards the window... The next 3 minutes will be the most intense... From being church raised, the thought of a heaven is still somwhere in my mind, so I'll not beg, but tell to whoever's out there, my life story,why I'm killing myself, and were I'd want to be, I'd then lay flat on my back, put the barrell of the shotgun on my knot, the fucking hideous thing that ALWAYS made me different, disfigured, and scary to everyone, the turnoff to every girl, and pull the trigger... I'd love to be able to pull of a second shot, so the fifth bullet isn't wasted, but... I'm thinking by that time, I'll be passed out, or knocked out from the shot, to actually load the gun up again...

I'm thinking My body won't be found until weeks later. Only Alana, Justin, and Haley know about me and Payton's... And I think they'll think I ran away... I don't think they'll automatically consider the thought of suicide... Alana might... but I hope she won't...

In my note, I'm making sure to say I want to be cremated, and my ashes placed beside my dad... I don't deserve to be there... I know he'd give anything to have his life back, or.. rather I'd give anything for him to have his life back...

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Date:2004-12-02 14:30
Subject:Haley
Security:Public

She wants me to come to this astronomy thing tonight, and I really wish I could have gone, but... yeah... I suck.. I suck a lot... Work sucks more... I don't even know who I work with... ahh... ... I'm thinking to hard.. I haven't told Alana this yet, nor Haley, nor anyone.. but I'm thinking about buying a gun when I turn 18. It's only 90 sum bucks.. I already wrote that, but my aspirations changed from, kurt cobain tattoo, to kurt cobain. I don't know.. I just really want to see what it would feel like to shoot one.. how it would work to shoot myself.. I don't know... things aren't as good as I thought they'd be anymore...

I'm faking continously, I'm faking all the time..


Mrs. Mayhew cast me a part in her play, I think I'm going to be Lou the UPS guy.. I'm so excited... not really, I guess sarcasm is hard to pick up on the internet...

But yeah.. I wish SOMEONE knew how I felt, blah.. I'm a fuck capricorn... Pieces, scoripo, tarus... My astroligical matches, Kurt was a pieces... I ... guess that answeres it all

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Date:2004-12-02 13:13
Subject:Shotguns for sale, finally legal...
Security:Public
Music:Taking back Sunday - This photograph is proof (I know you)

Dec. 30th, I turn 18. At age 18 in Virginial it is legal to purchase a shotgun and a rifle. At Walmart, you can purchase said shotgun (12 gauge) for 90 dollars. Probably another 10 for shells... I don't know why that interested me so much in finding out, I Just.. blah.. I did... look it up... I suck.... blah.. I'll type more after lunch, hopefully after I see Haley.. it's love, it's love it's love ... make it hurt...

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Date:2004-11-30 00:39
Subject:My life sucks
Security:Public
Mood: cold
Music:Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver

My life sucks.. seriously... I just want to die.. that's all nothign would make me happier right now than pointing a gun at my head, and pulling the trigger... Just dying.. I hate to live.. I hate it with every inch of love in my body...

Haley is the most incredible thing that's happened to me since forever, and she doesn't even want me... I will never realize that because I'm a fucking asshole... oh well... guess that's just the way life is.. I guess that's just the way "God" likes to fuck with us... or rather just me... Thanks for singling me out... because you know, after 18 years of this shit, I still haven't had enough... I guess I haven't... I really wanna blow my fucking brains out...

Haley is just like... she doesn' realize how much I care about her (not in the 'just friendly' way) and if she does.. she chooses not to act on it, why? I don't know... I wanna ugh.. I just wanna die

There's nothing more to say... Everyoe hates me... I'm sorry... I suck.. I'll die sooner than later...

-Gregg

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Date:2004-11-27 20:31
Subject:in a blah... with a side of blah...
Security:Public
Mood: depressed
Music:Blandest - Nirvana

I want to make that into a song...

anyways...

Me and Haley are on stable broken glass.. if that makes any sense.. I'm really happy we're really good friends.. but she's setting herself up to be "Alana Jr." and to tell you the honest and complete truth.. I have Alana... She is no sr. so there is no jr. ... that's the way I want it to be... so tha's why Haley keeps asking me how long it took for me to stop seeing Alana as ... that, and start seeing her as my friend.. and with that, it took one day.. with her though, it's going to take longer, because she's trying to fill a position that's already filled... and the only position is on the backburner... I want her to be more than Alana, because I don't want to replace Alana, and I don't even want anyone to try to make me feel that way... I hate also to have to put her on the backburner when she'll run me off the first cap... ... But I'm the only one.. if they're been another before, to the backburner with me.. and yeah... ... So yeah... I really like Haley.. (not even speaking physically or mentally) it's .. I really like this girl, genuinely... and I want her to be more.. so she doesn't have to be less than as is... but there's only way to do that for her, and that's to be with her, and she won't be with me, so ... I guess I have no other choice but to run her off the back burner... Alana's spot is not for share, is not for rent, it's not for anything but her... The only thing that pisses me off totally and completely is on the other side there's 2 more caps.. that are just waiting to be used.. and NO ONE ever decides to be on those.. you could take your choice of first or second, but no one gives a flying fuck about them... I don't know.. I don't feel like talking about it anymore...

I'm waiting for Haley to call me back.. she had to do something with her mom.. She told me to think about how she didn't make me happy. The only reason I can think of is, because of the reason listed above.. I have to put her on the backburner and that is how I am unhappy with her. Yet, the way she'll see it is, becasue she doesn't care for me, it's all her fault. When, if you spin it, that works.. it's still wrong. You can't really change the way you feel for someone... so yeah.. I mean... who's to blame the girl.. she has eyes... and my face says it all, so yeah... I'm just kinda mad, she has to remain on the backburner.. and I'm mad that no matter what I do, that other first one is reserved for "her" who will never come, so it'll just be gaining heat... ... or either I'll let it burn out... make it burn out... I don't know... I want to... life just sucks when you sit down and realize, you're going to live it alone, no matter what you do... that I'll always have these people on this hand that'll love me in a way genuine to me, yet be so generic... and that on the other hand, i'll never be able to feel what they feel when they experince the love and joy of a first kiss from "him" and the first date.. the day "he" looked at you... just any of that.. I'll never experince it, and since it's never going to not be a part of how I feel... I can't be happy, then I'll just live with this unhappiness inside me, that or I'll kill myself.. It'll be the one selfish act I committ... I give myself to them everyday of my life, so that when I get ready to die, I can have atleast half my "life" as happiness... The only way that I can say I would enjoy my first 18 years of life is if I say, "only if I were dead for the past 17" .... I don't know.. I just.. Want that feeling so bad, and I could have swore it was going to be from Haley... I could have bet my life on it... I thought about EVERYTHING and I played out the events of years into single moments inside my head... all to have it crushed and crashed in one night... All because Optmistic thinking will do you in...

Note to self, NEVER EVER THINK OPTIMISTICLY AGAIN... (unless you have a gun)

Life sucks, and I'm going go now...

-Gregg

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Date:2004-11-25 18:38
Subject:I fucking hate people
Security:Public
Mood: angry
Music:Blew - Nirvana

God today fucking sucks.. It starts off with Haley leaving, and me not being able to talk to her til saturday basically, and Grayson beign a fuckign dick. Around 3, 4 oclock he took Pat riding, fine and dandy, but HE KNEW I todl him to COME FUCKING HOME because I had to go to Wal-mart.. that fucking asshole.. now mama isn't gonna let me go.. FUCKING ASSHOLE... GOd I fucking hate him.. He probably dropped Pat off somewhere and went to one of his friends house, which I know he did.. GOD DAMN ASSHOLE... ERWW because he doesn't have gas money to drive for 3, 4 hours. he's sitting at one of his friends houses now, saying ohh i'm on my truck.. ERWW I FUCKING HATE HIM...

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Date:2004-11-21 15:22
Subject:Crap...
Security:Public
Mood: listless
Music:A decade under the influence - Taking Back Sunday

If only he could see
What you meant to me
If only he could see
The way I feel for you
Everything has all
Gone to hell
The nights are cold
But we get along just well
I hardly remember sleeping
Just talking to you all night
Before I let myself go
I swear I'll make things right
You told me that liked me
You told me that you cared
But it never was the feeling
That make lovers flare
The moon's still shining
and it's a quarter 'til four
You'll tell me that you'll miss me
And I know I'll love you more
When you said goodbye
I didn't know what to say
So I just laid there
Thinking about the day
You were the air I breathed
Now you're gone away
I don't know how I'll live tomorrow
If your not here today
I swear I'd kiss your lips
Even if they were blades
Because before I ever slip
My love for you will fade...

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Date:2004-11-21 03:37
Subject:It's early...
Security:Public
Mood: calm
Music:"Marigold" - Nirvana

Well it's 3:30 and I just got off the phone with Haley, she's a really cool girl to talk too... I'm so pissed at that dude she likes though.. I swear I'll beat him up if he hurts her, lol. She's gonna be a really good friend... I'm kinda mad at myself that I didn't call Alana, but it was late, and I figured that today was gonna be for her and her mom... I'll try calling her tomorrow before work...

I don't have really much else to say..

my eyes are kinda heavy now
I think I'll rest them in your lap
But as soon as I lie down
You force your knife in my back
I bleed, and you watch me cry
The blood is feeling shy
Comes only every time I think of you
All all this shit we've been put through
I love you, though...
That's one thing I know
Even with your knife in my back
I'll never take it back

-Gregg (goodnight Haley) lol

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Date:2004-11-19 12:42
Subject:So like..
Security:Public
Mood: excited
Music:Just lose it - Eminem

So like today like right like it's gonna be like bomb shit cho, you know it's like whoa cus like, alana is going to be here, and like, it's gonna be so cool, and it's goona be like wow, and like whoh whoh! WHOA YEAH VABY!

hello greg.... i am the computer... helloo...

Lol, hello computer, that was brandie, oh either the computer! whippe

And like me and like Haley like made up adn it's like cool now and it's like wow, and i'm like woah, and it's like woah.. I like the name lit. Lit masucka!

hahaha.. I'm so exicted.. AND I REALLY CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU THERE!

Gregg

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Date:2004-11-18 14:01
Subject:Today, 30 mins later...
Security:Public
Mood: morose
Music:Nirvana - I hate myself and I want to die

I guess when you get older
you realize life isn't always cashews and mints
Maybe then you'll understand when I say
My heart always wears a splint
Maybe when we're older you'll know what I mean
Maybe when I get older, we'll get away with murder scotch clean
Until then the blood stains are on my door
The murder weapon, on the floor by the chair
And every word she spoke with her tounge cut me in two
Somethings are better left alone, and I am one
Maybe one day you'll realize that to everyday there isn't always promised a sun

I talked to Haley, whippey freaking doo doo.. There's nothing to say to her, she's mad because she thinks she's made me mad, and Neither of them have seen me mad.. at most, they've seen my ... morose.. no one has really seen me depressed except alana.. no one has seen me ... mad but my family.. and no one has seen me hurt but the ones who took intiative to do so...

I'm going to e-mail her, and tell her how I feel and what not, knowing it won't do any good... but hey, what the hell.. life's worth committing suicide right?

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Date:2004-11-18 13:12
Subject:If today doesn't suck
Security:Public
Mood: pissed off
Music:Nirvana - I hate myself and I want to die

Well to update from yesterday...

I was sitting down talking to Maria, just hanging out, and Haley motions for me to come over.. so I was like I'll be right back... I went out there.. and God I wish I hadn't...

She started like telling me how I was two different people when she talked to me alone, and when I was in public.. DUH i've been that way ALL MY FUCKING LIFE... I cannot stand for people to know there's something wrong with me, because all I ever get is the "oh are you okay?, Tell me what's wrong, Greg, Please, I'm your friend, you can tell me, Tell me or else" shit... I hate it, I can't stand it, so what do I do, FAKE IT... I let everyone think I'm happy go lucky, because I Don't want them to know how I feel. That is me.. If I wanted them to know, I'd tell them.. I told Haley which now I consider almost a mistake, because I thought she understood me... it's not that hard to understand.. I've told .. 2 people my entire life how I feel, and just now automatically I'm supposed to like, let everyone see it, it's BULL CRAP.. if she expects that of me, I can't give it.. It's bullshit... I will continue to be fake.. I will continue to lie, because I will continually be hurt by these people, and continually will they hate me, and thus, i shall hate them.. Lie to them.. and not let them know how i feel.

If that is a problem with you, or anyone else, go to hell...

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Date:2004-11-17 12:47
Subject:And it's like
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:Nirvana - Lithium

And it's like the burden is off my chest
Like I breath again and I can finally rest...

Today I told Ashley like how I felt, almost.. I got to talk to her, she got to hug me, well I got to hug, well she went to hug me, so I mean, like wow... hahaha...

She's like pimpin cool you.. I'm going to defintly tell her the rest about how I feel and like everything.. like whew..

Yesterday wasn't as good though.. me and Haley like, started I guess you can call it a mini argument, and she's like, thinking now that I'm mad at her, and I'm not, and I just want her to know it's all cool, but I don't know, like I'm not sure.. so yeah... I'm not mad at her, I was just sad yesterday, thinking about the whole ashley situation, and she didn't know that, but I guess.. god I suck...

I love Kurt Cobain... He was like.. God.. I mean.. I love his eyes.. they are great..

I talked to Laney last night, for the first night in forever.. and we've got our plans.. Friday night we're going to watch the play, then go out and eat, then go see saw.. haha I like sayin gthat.. go see saw.. hahaha.. so yeah, I think it's going to be pimpin friggin cool... ... i'm like.. I know I'm going to be the third wheel again... but as long as I get to be around alana.. I'd be the fifth wheel...

I love the way this "a" looks, kurt wrote his like that.. Kurt was God, again... and Brand new Is like, bomb shit cho...

"I'm really excited, and I can't wait to meet you there.. but I don't care" - Lithium "Nirvana"

I love that song.. I'm really excited and I can't wait to find Ashley and be like, BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!! and I really don't care if nothing happens.. because I've come to expect the expected of how I suck, and how nothing ever works out for me, and if this doesn't, well it doesn't.. but I know that's not the end.. somethigns going to make it suck mroe, because I EXPECT THE EXPECTED! THE EXPECTED IS THINGS ARE GONNA GET WORSE... but until they do, I'll pretend as if they want, and go about all torn inside... God damn that's no way of life... I suck...

I don't realize I feel the way I do, until I write this shit down, now like I really realize that i've been going about it all wrong but i can't change things.. I can only be myself.. I am myself, and I hate it.. I hate it, you.. everyone... People = Shit.. "ive seen my baby, she starry eyed"

I'm going to make Haley a present, I'm going to start planning it out soon. I'm not going to use a hanger, but i'm going to make like one of those thigns that like have things that hang down and I'm going to make like stars and have different pictures of her smiling and like her eyes.. and stuff.. pictures of her friends, and stars with like little quotes and songs about stars, and really sweet stuff.. I figure I'm going to use like a wood frame, then use rope of some sort, to hang it with, and drill the whole through the middle to hang it.. with like the star on the bottom of the rope, and then like, smaller holes for the stars.. It's goign to be like great...

I like Haley, she's a very cool girl. She's like ... she reminds me of ALana of sorts, though no where close to the actual Alana she's the best I have... and I appreciate that.. she's cool... I like her she's cool.

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Date:2004-11-11 00:47
Subject:omg, I love Alana...
Security:Public
Mood: loved
Music:Am I wrong - Brand New

Alright I'll start off by saying brb... it's f*ckn cold and I need my blanket!

Alright.. Alana's so friking cool to friking good to me. I love her so much! I miss her more than anything... She's so protective me... I just.. ahh I love her... and her only intention is good... I love her... Tomorrow I'm going to (no matter what) tell Ashley how I feel, I've put it off for TOOO long.... and if it doesn't work, then tomorrow will come the same as today... "With a knife, fork, and spoon" ... I love Brand New, but I love Alana more

The sun comes up tomorrow
But I really don't care
You can race me
But I'm in no hurry to get there
Their faces are all pacing
They're all waiting
And I'm calm as can be
Their nerves are shaking
And hearts are breaking
They're not me...

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