Blurty for Chris.

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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:This always happens
Time:8:11 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:Three Days Grace - Scared.
Well, I was feeling pretty depressed so I decided to go to Fudruckers and talk to someone about a job. Aaaannd, they hired me. I've been working there for almost a month, I think. So things are starting to look up. I was just about to pack my bags and go back to Mississippi. *sigh*

Kendra and I have had plenty of fights since I've moved down here.. Most all of them are my fault because I keep thinking she's going to leave me for some guy. It's gotten much better lately, but I still feel like that sometimes. Right now she's shopping with her roommate, Tiffany. I kinda wanted to go but she wanted it to just be her and Tiff, which I have no problem with because they really haven't gotten to do anything together.. And I'm always in the way, so it was best that I stay out of this one. I can't help it that I want to be with her where ever she goes. But whenever she gets finished shopping (It's been close to 3 hours now) she's coming over here to my place and we're going to go to her friends house and bake cookies... or something like that. I get to meet a couple of her friends, Marisa and Liz.. I think, and some other girl. But anyway, I'm going to sit here and do nothing while I wait for Kendra to finish shopping.
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

Subject:I hate this fucking town
Time:2:23 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Taking Back Sunday - The Blue Channel.
Interview after interview after interview! I HATE THIS GOD FORSAKEN TOWN! This is such bullshit, I've been in College Station for almost 2 months! 2 MONTHS! And I have maybe $20 in my wallet and I owe almost $1000 to various places! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!? Just once, one fucking time I wish things would work out for me. Why can't the world give me one chance to make something of myself. Where in the hell did I go wrong? I've done nothing wrong to anyone, I've helped out people more than I've been helped by people. It's like everyone expects me to sit on the street corner doped up on heroin. I just can't believe this, I can't escape the shithole I'm in. The shit just keeps building up. Cut me a god damned break!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Subject:Almost there
Time:7:12 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:Jimi Hendrix - Castles Made Of Sand.
Well, this just might be my last post made in Mississippi. I've got a place to live, a job, a car, and the money to move to Texas. So I'm throwing everything in my car and leaving Saturday morning! :) TEXAS HERE I COME!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Subject:I'm back
Time:9:13 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:The Starting Line - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now.
Well, I haven't posted for a few days, so I need to post.

I've been searching for jobs and places to stay in College Station TX lately because I'm moving to CS on October 11th. So far I believe I have a great chance working at a company by the name of Universal Computer Systems and I'm going to send the deposit for a place in CS here pretty soon. Kendra's parents are getting rid of some furniture and offered me first dibs on anything they are giving away, so Kendra and I are going to go her parents house and load up some stuff, so thats taken care of too.. Basically all I have to worry about is getting a job, I don't really have one yet so I need to make sure I have one when I get there, IF I don't get the UCS job (please hire me, PLEASE hire me!).

Anyway, I'm going to find something to do, I'm bored.
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Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Time:8:00 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey.
Not that anyone will care, but my teams have been doing hellagood this season so far :) The Tennessee Vols are 3-0, we've been moved to #8, and we kicked the Flordia Gators asses in their own swamplands! The Titans have been doing well, they coul dbe doing better. But they are still going to the super bowl, and you can count on that. Anyway, back to whatever I was doing.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 20th, 2003

Time:11:32 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man On Third.
Ya gotta love 'em. I don't know exactly why I love holidays so much, I can only figure that it's because my family is so close and we almost always get together for Holiday's. Well, we used too... not so much anymore. When I say Holiday's I mean the major ones like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. These days are a VERY big deal to us, we're so spread out and the only time we can get together is on the major holiday's. Christmas and New Years are a HUGE deal to me, the main reason is because this is pretty much the only time I get to see my big sis, Lisa. She lives in Seattle Washington, so it's not often that I get to see her. She is one of the most important people in my life, couldn't do without her. And the other reason Christmas is a big deal to me, well... it may sound a little cheesy and maybe a little scary. But every Christmas I have pretty much fantasized about coming home with my girlfriend. Why have I done this for so many years? No clue. I don't even know why it's a big deal to me, but somehow it is. Why do I ask myself questions? Well, you won't know all the details if you don't ask questions now will you??

Anyway, I've even caught myself talking to my "girlfriend" in the car on the way home for Christmas. What's so odd about that? I was the only one in the car. We've laughed at the wonderful stories I have of past Christmas' and the crazy antics of my Uncles. Expressed how much we are in love with each other and just stared at each other while driving down the road with the snow melting on contact when it hits my windshield. Perfect moments. Well, almost perfect, could have been better if I was actually talking to someone (Please, no comments on this, I too am frightened by the fact that I talk to an imaginary girlfriend). But now, I actually have someone that will be in the car with me on the drive home. And it's the greatest feeling, and I'm a little relieved that I don't have to talk to myself now. Now I get to roll the window down to feel the cold, crisp december air and look over at her and see her smile with a snow covered backdrop and complain of being cold, then ask me to roll up the window :) Great stuff. We get to bust down my parents door and be greeted with the same Christmas tree we've had forever and the beautiful faces of my family, and the smell of my grandmothers cooking. The priceless look on my little brothers, sisters, cousins, and nieces faces when they open the gifts Kendra and I picked out for them. These dreams are no longer dreams, this is now reality. Never realized how wonderful and beautiful reality can be.

Well, I'm going to eat something. I haven't eaten for 4 hours, I'm starving. I don't even know if I've said anything in this post, I was just writting again. I always end up doing that, I type like I talk, just random blabber.
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Time:8:07 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Trust Company - Falling Apart.
So, I went with my little sister and her boyfriend and a friend of his (That I actually know) and we went to see Underworld. Badass movie, really enjoyed it.. go see it. The trip up there and back was interesting too, we almost hit two people walking across the road. Then coming back Andrew didn't see the stop sign (while he was writting a text message) and drove past it and stopped in the middle of the road, almost got hit by two cars. Saw a friend at the theater and talked to him for a bit. Had fun, quick post, gotta go.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Time:9:04 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:Staind - Home.
I just realized that I tend to have a foul mouth the majority of the time it's open. I honestly cuss like I'm possesed or something. I should really watch my language. Darnit.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:5:58 pm.
Mood: hungry.
Music:311 - Creatures.
Okay, so the other day I was pretty upset right. Well a co-worker is pissed at me today because she hurt her own damn feelings. Get this.

I'm sitting at my desk with my headphones on, and everyone pretty much knew to just leave me alone. I wasn't speaking to anyone and I didn't seem to be in the mood to put up with anyone either. So my co-worker walks by my desk and accidently bumps into it (Like she does nearly everyday, someone is always bumping into my desk) and she says sorry, but the thing is she always says sorry and I never say anything and obviously it doesn't bother her. So I just sit there and do my work like I was doing before she bumped into my desk. Well, for some fucking reason she insists that I am aware of the fact that she said sorry, so she practically yells it at me a few times, I look at her, not saying a word, and make it pretty obvious that I heard her and she can go about her business. Weeell nooooo, she has to pull my headphones off my head and say it again, like I didn't fucking hear her the first time she said sorry. At this point I'm getting a little pissed so I look at her with a look that says, "Leave me the hell alone" and put my headphones on.

Now to today, I take one glance to see who is passing my desk and it just so happens to be her. She looks back at me and says loudly enough so everyone at work can hear her, "Don't look at me, I didn't say a damn thing to you. I'm never going to talk to your sorry ass again." WTF?!? You're going to get fucking pissed at me because this time around when you KNEW I didn't want anyone to bother me you seem to insist that I know you are sorry for something you do every damn day! If it bothered me I would have said something about it a long ass time ago!! I don't care if you bump into my desk, and you never seemed to care if I even heard you say sorry before! Jeeesssus. Some people.

I did however apologize to a co-worker/friend today because I snapped at him the other day when I was upset. He was going to ask me a question and turned down the volume on my cd player and asked me the question. I took my headphones off and looked at him and said, "Turn my fucking music back on." Yes, that was rather rude and I felt bad about it. So I said I was sorry and gave him a stick of gum as a "peace offering". Being the wierdo that he is, he taped the stick of gum to his chest so he could "keep it close to his heart" and wore it like that all day long. Keep in mind, this is just a 17 year old lunatic. As gay as what he did sounds, it's not. It's something you could expect from Dubby. Crazy kid.

Anyway, I'm hungry. Bye.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

Subject:Shinedown - Fly From The Inside
Time:9:21 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
Music:Shinedown - Fly From The Inside.
Credit goes to my wonderful bundle of love, Kendra, for telling me to download this song.. not asking, TELLING me to download it :D I love you sweetie.

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
On my shoulders
All alone I pierce the chain
And all in all the sting remains
And dieing eyes consume me now
The voice inside screams out loud

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Every day a new deception
Pick your scene and take direction
And all in all I search to connect
But I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

I can't escape the pain
I can't control the rage
Sometimes I think that I'm gonna go insane
I'm not against what's right
I'm not for what's wrong
I'm just making my way and I'm gone

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders

This is one of the most badass songs I've heard. Ever heard one of those songs that you could feel inside? It just grabs you and takes you on a ride that lifts your spirits so high that you can help but let the music take you over and when you give in it seems to help everything. Yeah, this is one of those songs.
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Subject:This is a big one...
Time:6:57 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Nine Inch Nails - Hurt.
Well, first of all I would like to say FUCK YOU REBECCA! That feels a little better, I guess.

So, here I am reading some of my ex girlfriends posts in her journal from forever ago.. I thought the posts about me were funny. Talking about how in love with me she is and all that bullshit. Then the other day I was going through her more recent entrys only to find something that I DEFINETLY didn't need to see right now.

She decided to make an apology list to the people she feels that she owes an apology. Curious, I wonder if my name is on the list. Don't really know why it would be so I start reading. She goes through all of her exes before me and then she gets to me.

"Also, Chris Robinson. This is the only person in my life I have honestly, flat out, used. However, I do not feel too bad about it because he did the same to me a year earlier so we're kind of even. I was going through a breakup at the time and was falling apart at the seams so I started dating Chris to take my mind off the fact that I had lost Brad. Satisfied me at the time until someone else came along. I feel like I should give him an apology where the rest of the people on the list, I really want to apologize to. "

Whhhhhaaaattt thhhheee fuck!! Sure as hell didn't see that shit coming. Now to let it be known, I didn't have strong feelings for her, I wasn't in love with her. I'll explain exactly why this has upset me to the point that I woke up sick this morning.

Number 1, I never "used" her. The time she is talking about a "year earlier" we had just met and decided to go out on a date, we dated for about 2 weeks. I saw her maybe twice because her mother didn't want her to go out, and even though we didn't see each other much I was starting to fall for her. I had NEVER felt like that about anymore and I honestly got scared because I didn't want to let myself go and broke it off with her. Someone explain to me how I "used" her? All we did was talk for two weeks, I never even had sex with the girl. I didn't have sex with her the next time we got together.. so what did I use her for?

Now, on to the biggie. The fact that she used me to try and help her get over Brad, I knew Brad and I knew how bad she had it for him. We were together for maybe 2 or 3 months this time around and I still hadn't fallen for her. But she claimed to be in love with me, she would tell me that and write about it in her journal. Now, for some reason I never could see myself feeling the same way about her, but it wasn't because of her at all.. I didn't know what it was. But I realize it now, I knew the whole fucking time that I was being used, it just didn't register with me. I even asked her on a few occasions if she still loved Brad, she told me no.. that was a nice big lie. We still never had sex, we made out one time at my parents house on the couch New Years of '02. I never really even kissed her, she even asked me why I never "kissed her passionatly".. that even made me wonder, "Why don't I kiss her like that." I couldn't because I knew what was going on in her head I just didn't "get it" for some reason. She was always wanting to have sex with me, or to kiss her like I love her, and all that bullshit. Only so I could fill that little void that Brad left, not because she loved me... I never really believed her when she said she loved me.

But the reason I am so upset over this is not because she used me. As stupid as this may sound, honestly I'm scared I'm being used again. But I have no real reason to believe that I am, but I didn't with Rebecca either. I just knew it. I've noticed that my gut instinct has always been right.

Now why would I think I'm being used by someone that I seem to have the most amazingly perfect relationship with? Because not long after her and her ex broke up we got together.. and she met me when she was lonely and missing her ex and wanting someone basically to make her forget about him. And she says most all the same things that Rebecca has said.
So what is so different this time? I'm in love. For the first time I let my inpenitrable barrier down and let someone in that is very special to me and that I can honestly say I'm in love with. So why does it upset me so much? Because I think my frail heart can only break once. And since I fell in love I felt pain in my heart for the first time really, when I am away from her my heart honestly aches, it hurts. And if things happen like they did with Rebecca, I don't think I'm going to make it.

BUT! Don't even think it's going to be over, I'm not that stupid. If I ended it to prevent any pain that would kill me so fast, I would just sit there and watch my life fade away without ever feeling a damn thing. So what am I going to do?

I was talking to a friend last night about all this, and I told him my concerns and worries. basically what he said was, "How do you know if you aren't willing to find out?" So as I sat and thought about that the tears stopped streaming down my face and I realized that if I were to end the only great thing that has happened in my life that I will never really see how wonderful life can be. Now don't think for a minute that I was about to leave this girl, hell no... that is something I can't do. So what if she is using me to fill that void her ex left in her heart? Well, if I have a damn thing to do with it she is going to forget all about that stupid fuck and realize that she can replace him with someone that he could never measure up too! My biggest fear is that she will leave me to be with him again, but you know what... even if she did she is going to come running back because she will realize that he will never love her as much as I do! I can guarantee that.

What I am going to do is love her, and continue to love her. And if she runs away for whatever reason I will still love her, and she will come back and be greeted with arms and heart open as wide as they can possibly be. I have never opened myself to anyone, and I never thought I would. Since I have opened up to her I have been scared shitless, all of my insecurities have surfaced (some I didn't even know existed), and I feel like I'm pushing her away with my fear. I've had alot of time to think today, and this is all I have been thinking about all day. All I really know is that love is the strongest feeling that I have ever felt in my life, and I feel it everytime I think about Kendra.

Babe, I know you are reading this. You know I don't hide anything from you, even though it's hard for me to express how I feel I eventually find some way. I know I am weak, my insecurities always seem to take me over and make me think things that are not true. I'm trying my hardest to fight them because I know they are slowly pushing you away from me. I am going to try my hardest to be so strong for you, and it's got to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I know that there is no way I can do it without your help, you're going to have to strong for me too. I'm not going to lose you because of myself, I've already lost too much. I love you with every ounce of my heart and soul and I'll love you no matter what. I'm yours until the end of my days.

This is alot to post, and most of it probably doesn't make much sense and I'm sure I've made tons of errors. But I really don't care, I just started writting and this is what came out. So all you perfectionists out there can kiss my ass.
Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 16th, 2003

Time:9:54 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:Unloco - Texas.
I never want to sing this song. I just listened to it and I'm already in tears.

Unloco - Texas
Sometimes I lie awake in bed
Thinking about the things you said
So lost for words, so lost to tell you how I feel
So terrified of changing what I thought was real

It's too bad, you're gone
It's too bad, you're not alone
And I know that you couldn't see
That it's too bad that you're gone
And not here with me

Standing here, trying to make some sense of this
There's nothing between us
Still I can feel your awkwardness
You're so lost for words
So you just tell me I'm your friend
There must be one reason
Only one reason in the end

It's too bad, you're gone
It's too bad, you're not alone
And I know that you couldn't see
That it's too bad that you're gone
And not here with me

So why are you pulling away
It must be from things that I say
And I'm thinking you're thinking of him
So why do I even care at all
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 15th, 2003

Time:6:25 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:Renholder - Now I Know.
What the hell is a blurty anyway? Someone? Anyone?
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Subject:One more thing
Time:6:23 pm.
If anyone (Other than me and my girlfriend) actually reads my blurty, you can view my girlfriends blurty here: Kendra's Blurty

By the way, she hates that picture of her, but I love it :D She's so cute...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Another day, another dollar
Time:6:17 pm.
Mood: blank.
Music:Page Hamilton - Throwing Punches.
Well, today went by rather quick. Work didn't really seem like work, and thats a little odd for a Monday. We were still rushing to make up for the weekend, so I had plent of work set out for me. I think it went by so fast because my mind wasn't really at work, I was pretty much worried about Kendra all day. She got really upset last night after she thought about going to school today. She really hates school, and she says she hates College Station too and pretty much all the people in it. She just wants to go back home to Ft. Worth. I understand why, I've been there and I love it there too, great city. But I don't think it's just school and College Station thats getting her so upset, it seems to be more that she's under alot of pressure from her dad to get a 3.0 this semester and also the fact that we are 650 miles away from each other. Not saying she doesn't hate school and college station :) I just think it's more than that. I know I can't say anything to make it better, so I try to sit and listen... but that doesn't help much either. All I can tell her is it's going to get better, and it will, but she doesn't really like to hear that. :( So I don't really know what to do about it. All I can really do is work until October 13th and then I'll REALLY be there for her, I think it will help some that I'm there.

I got my cell phone bill in today, $205 bucks :( *sigh* And I thought I wasn't a phone person. I only sent 199 text messages this time, so thats an improvement.. I guess. I've got so much to pay off, I wanted to get it all paid before I moved to Texas but that would take me forever. At least I'll get two major bills taken care of before I move, thats all I want to do, the others won't screw my credit if I miss a payment and God knows my credit is already screwed, thanks to a "friend".. bastard. Nothing but death can stop me from moving to Texas in October.

Speaking of that "friend", I get to see his sorry as at his mothers sentencing hearing that I have to be present for (And that is all thanks to him too, I'm sure his mother is very proud of him). I'm sure he's going to try and befriend me again, saying stupid shit like, "Chris, we were too good of friends to be like this, let's just forget it all." HAHAHA, forget that you fucked me out of a few thousand dollars and got me caught up in your little internet scam that I got a years probation for?? Fuck no. I'm still on my probation and won't be off till June of next year.. I didn't even do shit. Neither did his mother, and now I have to present for her sentencing hearing. I'm not even going to waste another minute of my time for his sorry ass. All I want him to know is that I am moving seeing as how he kept saying I would never make it to Texas and Kendra and I wouldn't last. I imagine he just jealous though, seeing as how his girlfriend is so stupid... she thought the olives in the martini's on the Outback Stakehouse menu were eggs, so she asked why they put eggs in the martini's. *sigh* She fakes being sick just so people will take care of her and make her feel special.. she's had 11 MRI scans and the doctors keep telling her nothing is wrong, but she INSISTS that there is something wrong with her. Yeah, maybe you're a hypocondriac Jessica. I've never hated anyone until him. I honestly hate him. Not just for what he did to me, but the things he would say to me... he would rip my self esteem to pieces, and I just dealt with it. I never said anything. Guess I'm the stupid one. Oh well.

This is a really long post. And I noticed that I probably shouldn't post after 12am, the post I made at 1:39am didn't make all that much sense.. and I'm too lazy to edit it :) Well, I'm going to go and wait for Kendra to get home, she doesn't get out of school until 9:45pm :'( Just on Monday's though, but she really really hates it. She's under too much pressure, and it's really starting to get to her. I love her so much though, and I know things will get better it's just trying to convince her that it will get better from 650 miles away is a major feat. Ok, no more writting, there are things that need to be done.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

Subject:Neverending thoughts
Time:1:26 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:Glassjaw - El Mark.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking. I tear myself to peices with all these fucking thoughts I have. I hate them, can I just take some medication or something and make them go away? Sometimes they are just so overwhelming that I have to sleep just to keep myself from thinking, but then I have all kinds of shitty dreams. It's a lose lose situation. Oh well :(
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:So cute :)
Time:1:39 am.
Mood: content.
Music:The Postal Service - Recycled Air.
I just can't get over how incredibly cute my girlfriend is :) Listening to her talk all goofy after she's taken her med's is the cutest thing I've ever heard. The silly names and she says things in that "special voice" crack me up. How she will NOT take no for an answer even if there is a valid reason for the answer no, it's just unacceptable ;) And how she acts all upset and crys (but obviously fake), then I say something that makes her laugh then when she realizes she's laugh she says, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be upset" and starts faking it again :) The motions she makes with her hands, and that little dance she does... gets me everytime :) Also, I made her bed one weekend I was there, she left it exactly how I made it and slept on top of the covers just because she didn't want to mess up the bed I made just because I made the bed. How she cried when she saw that I put her pictures that her roommates cat knocked off back on her little picture stand, the smallest guesture meant so much to her. We were going to get her tattoo filled in and she walked into the gas station to get money from the atm, I sat in the truck and just watched her with a big smile on my face :) She just has that eternal cuteness. Who wouldn't love this girl? It's only been about 4 days and I miss her like crazy, I was missing her when I knew I was about to leave to come home. Long distance relationships are hard as hell, but she is way more than worth it.
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 13th, 2003

Subject:Abnormal subconscious? I think so.
Time:9:09 pm.
Mood: curious.
Music:Agnostic Front - Riot, Riot Upstart.
I have the weirdest dreams, I don't think I've ever had a dream that made sense. I just woke up from a two hour nap and had a dream of me being some punk/emo kid in Dallas TX. So there I am running around wreaking havoc and then feeling so bad about it that I sit a cry. Next I'm standing there pouring my heart out to some guy and hit him in the face... wtf? Whhhy do I have dreams like this? One time I had a dream that I was killing satan with a stick and he turned into my mattress. *sigh*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Hello Blurty
Time:3:21 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:AFI - God called in sick today.
I was bored so I did a search for online journals and ran across this site.. seems nice enough, so I joined. And now here I am. Still bored but I have a online journal.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Blurty for Chris.

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