krzma13's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2003-11-20 09:09
Subject:the new me...
Mood: determined
Music:Papercut by linkin park

Good Morning. Kinda wishin I was still in bed but Jess and I are gonna go to BREAKFAST when she gets back. Yum. I never really eat anymore. Bad me. So this is exciting. Im very tired from last night. It was definitely a rough night.. but... I think it was worth it.
Hmmm so yea.. This is the last time that I am going to apologize.. cuz im gonna try not to be upset anymore... and I am just soo sorry that I have hurt you guys.. again. I dont mean to "snap". I dont mean to worry. I am happy.. when I am with you guys, and when I think about you guys, and all that.. sometimes it is harder than you know. So now.. this is the day... I am turning over that new leaf once and for all. I am going to be happy and I will still worry... only not as much. Right at the moment I only have one thing on my mind to worry about at all... and I am sorry that I worry about it but at the moment it is very important to me and I cant help it.

I have decided that I am not just going to give it up. This is what I want and I truely feel it may be what I need right now. I cant just give up on something that I dont know about. I will let it run its course, I will let it go the way it does. It is a rough ride but at the moment it is one which I am williing to take. I truely hope that things go well.. who wouldnt? I know they cant go as bad as some things have in the past. In the meantime, I will be myself, give my all, and just try to prove that I am worth it.. because somewhere deep inside of me, I know I am.

well.. i guess that is it for now. I am going to try and set up the other journal... k joshy? alright.. if you guys have any advice on the formention PLEASE let me know. I have a feeling I may have a hard time not giving up although I dont want to...

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Date:2003-11-19 21:04
Mood: angry
Music:still the game.. but i can barely focus on it : (


im here for ya hun.. i wish things were better

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Date:2003-11-19 19:58
Subject:Huskies rock my box
Mood: crazy
Music:Squeaky shoes on the court :)

We are up! It is half time! Only up by 6 but we are still up! Calhoun needs to learn to hush.. second game of the season and hes already been hit w/ a technical oh man. Okafor has been out most of the half but Gordon is kickin butt! OH YEAH!! 19 pts in the first half that is sooo awesome. So yea... I guess i'll fill this out for ya cal... : / hopefully its not too repetitive.

**Name: Chivon
**Birthdate: August 1st, 1985
**Birthplace : Hartford CT
**Current Location : my desk!
**Eye Color : Blue
**Hair Color : blond.. maybe blue highlights soon ; )
**Righty or Lefty : righty
**Zodiac Sign : Leo
**Innie or Outtie : Innie but its not cute anymore cuz of all the surgery scars in it :(
**Font : um thats kinda a weird question... i like arial.. and um Maiandra

[ series 2 - your favorite ]
** Music : geez.. i listen to it all...
** Cartoon : chalk zone.. still miss my lil guys
**Color : Blue
**Slushy Flavor : um cherry? some places have strawberry kiwi.. def. that then
**Magazine : EMS magazine wahoo
**TV show: Girlmore Girls.. ER... 3rd Watch.. Trauma... Trading Spaces... CSI
**Song : way too many.. at the moment.. Life In a Nutshell, Blue and Yellow, Away from the sun
**Language : english, sign, spanish.. gosh i miss ASL.. cant wait to take it in the summer
**Food & Beverage : Spaghetti and Sprite.. and broccoli
** Subject in School : ASL if i was talking it now ... bio...
** Ice Cream Flavor : mint choc chip.. or... butter crunch.. or pbc mmm right gabe?
**Roller Coaster : Boulder Dash

[ series 3 - what is ]
**Your most overused phrase on aol : lol most certainly
**The first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning: JB WHY ARE YOU CALLING SO DARN EARLY!**The last image/thought you go to sleep with:..someone
**The first feature you notice in the opposite sex : eyes i suppose
**The Best Name for a Butler : what kinda question is that?! jeffery... like from Fresh Prince lol
**The wussiest sport : bowling? i dunno...
**Your best feature : um dont have any good ones
**Your bedtime : whenever josh and i stop talking lol
**Your greatest fear : probably... losing all of my friends again
**Your greatest accomplishment : my EMT I maybe? high school? i dunno
**Your most missed memory : childhood? i dunno

[ series 4 - you prefer ]
**Pepsi or coke : Coke!
**McDonald's or Burger King : McDonalds
**Single or group dates : hmmm both are good... either or... good to have a date i suppose
**Adidas or nike : Adidas yep that is whats on my feet at the moment
**Chicken nuggets or chicken fingers : WHOA GUYS! what have i been saying i wanted for DAYS CHICKEN!!!! prolly fingers tho.. cuz there is more..
**Dogs or cats : both
**Rugrats or Doug : who was i talking to about the doug people being different colors?
**Single or taken : single
**Monica or Brandy : um.. neither? i used to like both.. when i was um.. in 6th grade lol
**Tupac or Jay-Z : um neither again.. prolly Jay-z but i hate that tailfeather song
**Shania Twain or LeAnn Rimes : geez who cares... prolly shania.. her older stuff is cute.. reminds me of the kids i used to sit for
**Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea : ewie no iced tea for me please
**One pillow or two: two if ive got two
**Chocolate or vanilla : vanilla
**Hot chocolate or hot cocoa: isnt that the same thing?! chocolate i guess
**Cappucino or coffee : dont do the coffee thing... or cappu at that
**Boxers or briefs : boxers... i sleep in boxers sometimes.. and a shirt of course

[ series 5 - do you ]
**Take a shower everyday? : umm...YA!!! grossness!
**Have a(any) crush(es)? : any? how many do u want me to have? know what i think? crushes is a really dorky term.. why do we call it that?!
**Want to go to college? : um.. isnt that what i am doing? well.. i wanna go to a diff one.. does that count?
**Like high school? : um uh lemme think.. NO
**Want to get married : yep guess so
**Type with your fingers on the right keys? :um yea typically
**Believe in yourself? : not usually
**Have any tattoos/where? : nope
**Have any piercings/where? : 3 in my left ear 2 in my right
**Get motion sickness? : nope
**Think you're a health freak? : uh no.. im sick as a dog.. so i cant be.. are dogs really sick? i never got that..
**Get along with your parents? : for the most part yes.. my mom and dad have helped me thru some awful times. thanx guys i love you
**Like thunderstorms? : yepperz

[ series 6 - the future ]
**Age you hope to be married : to soon to know this.. kinda need a guy first
**Numbers and Names of Children: goodness gracious. need the guys input.. i dont know now
**Where do you see yourself at age 20? : in college still
**Describe your dream wedding: um no thanx... again.. too soon for this
**How do you want to die? : oh man.. like in the other survey.. not how jon wants to
**What do you want to be when you grow up? : a nurse practitioner
**What country would you most like to visit? : australia see my uncle and coz'

[ series 7 - opposite sex]
**Best eye color? : blue or brown
**Best hair color? : darker than mine... other than that not picky.
**Short or long hair? : short.. shouldnt look like a girl
**Best height? : taller then me
**Best articles of clothing? : um.. none? JK JK.. i dunno whatever they wanna wear.. as long as it isnt drag
**Best first date location? : not picky as long as its a good guy.. can always have a good time : )
**Best first kiss location? : um.. not in the hallway at high school ick. anywhere else.. again.. w/ a good guy :)

[ series 8 - other ]
**When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? : uh... last night lol.. no not really i have no clue
**How many rings until you answer the phone? : at least 2 so they didnt hang up...
**What's on your mouse pad? : i dont have one.. i have one of those touch pad thingies
**How many houses have you lived in? : 2
**How many schools have you gone to?: um elementary, middle, high, and here so 4
**What color is your bedroom carpet? :blue at home.. here nasty greyish
**Would you shave your head for $5000 dollars? : um.... prolly
**If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take? : val jon and josh lol! sucks for u guys!!! haha.
**What was the best time of your life so far? : oh man.. anytime with my friends.. no specific.. all the things that would be have been with ex friends so... yea anything now : )

ok well.. thats that.. not nearly as bad as the last...

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Date:2003-11-19 19:42
Mood: excited
Music:AND THE CROWD ROARS! oh yea baby

Almost done with the first half. We are up.. 31 26.. gotta luv the boys... mmhmm. Man.. Im such an obsessive. Did I write before how crazy excited I was that we get CPTV here?! IN MASS! wahoo.. that means I get to see more than the 4 girls games which are scheduled on other channels. Heck they are number one in the country.. always! Why doesnt ESPN broadcast all of their games?! WHY NOT?! can someone explain this to me?
well anyways.. my friend here at school wanted me to fill this out.. nothing as deep as Jb's 500 questions thank goodness.. so here it goes.. she says she has another one to do too.. maybe half time. lol. So here it goes...

Four beverages you drink frequently]
1. water
2. chocolate milk... not supposed to...
3. diet coke
4. sprite.. my fav and again.. not supposed to : (

[Four TV shows you liked when you were a little kid]
1. Sit 'n Spin
2. my swing set
3. playdough
4.silly putty

[Four places to go in your area] lets see... home or college? we'll do college/ home
1. my dorm room lol/wally world
2. res cafe(ick)/staples parking lot!
3. campus center/staples itself wahoo...
4. um...lisa's room?/the co aka PC

[Four things to do when you're bored]
1. talk to my friends :)
2. listen to music
3. sleep
4. wander aimlessly about roberts as I typically do

[Four things that never fail to cheer you up]
2. root beer[barqs of course] and roast beef
3. stars
4. my piggy

[Four things you can't live without]
1. My best friends : )
2. music
3. The thought of going home
4. um... air?

1. ate at the sky ranch for the first time
2. got EXTREMELY homesick
3. had a wicked weird dream.. oh man lol

[Seven things you love]
1.Valerie NO ORDER ON 1-3 DONT GET MAD GUYS!!!!!!!!!
2. Josh
3. Jon
4. music
5. being happy
6. phone calls
7. turtles lol

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Date:2003-11-19 16:53
Mood: tired
Music:Blue and Yellow~ The Used

Hmm today... Although I feel like dirt.. yes dirt.. you could walk on me and I wouldnt be surprised. That is how low I feel, Today has been a semi-decent day. I am still very tired.. and oh so lonely.. but I will make it.
UConn basketball tonight ESPN 7pm! LETS GO HUSKIES! Man.. is it wrong to cheer for... not my school? Oh well I dont care.. so enough that will be my school. Anyways.. the boys will rock tonight.. lookin forward to the game.

What else.. waitin for Lisa to get back so I can hunt out some grub. I havent really eaten today.. well I had some cereal but for some reason it made me feel worse than anything. So food definitely sounds like a good idea at the moment. I dont have class tommorrow until.. 3:30!! whoa! Yep.. what to do w/ myself.. um lets see.. laundry? application? yea sounds like a plan.

Hmmm what else to say... still terribly homesick. Still missing everyone. Hoping all goes well for Valerie this afternoon. I havent heard that it was terrible so.. Im thinking she may have survived.. she better have.. dont know what I will do if she didnt. Um.... wishing I could talk to someone.. anyone.. um yea... well... i guess Im gonna lay down again..

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Date:2003-11-19 12:57
Subject:Pickled Eggs
Mood: calm
Music:Bring Me To Life Evanescence

Well.. lets see.. I guess I'll start with last night.
I talked to Gabe last night. It had been a long time. I am glad I did now. It wasnt easy. I had tried so many times before.. typing messages and then deleteing them. I finally did last night. He accepted my apology.. I still feel bad though. I hurt inside too though. We had a nice conversation..catching up on each other's lives.. not too much interesting going on in my life, but oh well. Im glad and I hope that this keeps going as well as it is. It was weird not having him around. Hopefully we will get to hang out when I am home.
Let's see.. then Josh decided he was allergic to his flu shot and was complaining and sick. I was kinda worried. I hope he feels better today. Talked to Jonny on the phone. He told me he was a cucumber. Then we discussed eating alligator.. and seafood.. Does anyone know if alligator looks like alligator when you eat it? Hmmm...
Jb called me at like um... 7 this morning but I was sooo sick that I didnt answer.. sorry hun. I'll call ya tonight. At least it wasnt anything important. So yea.. didnt go to chem cuz I was in SOO much pain. I just wanted to cry.
Yep.. so that was that...
Then the rest of this morning.. things just kept getting worse.. Frieda's dirty tissues fell in my bed.. How repulsive. I hurt so much I had to resort to perscription drugs. I didnt eat so.. as we speak I am starving. And then Jess was talking to me about transfering into nursing and stuff and I got sooo miserable. I cried when she left the room. I havent truely cried in a while.. It was only a little but I have realised how much I miss my friends and family. I am sooo lonely. I just want to go home. I listened to the boys play.. which made me happy but sad at the same time. I just need to be home with you guys. I cant wait to be home for thanksgiving.. and even more for christmas/winter break. I am so excited about that.
The only REALLY good thing that has happened? My math teacher told me we dont have class the day before thanksgiving! So I COULD go home on Tuesday.. I dont know if this will happen or not but I am going to hope....
Yep.. so I am hurting too much to sit up right now so... more later.

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Date:2003-11-18 13:04
Mood: bouncy
Music:Would You Rather.. Dane Cook

What? You were in the basement? I was in my kitchen, cleaning a dish, and I heard it, so I came out. Thats not what you told me! lol oh man. Dane Cook.. guaranteed to make me feel better. No matter what. What a horrible way to go. What happened to mary? A tire hit her in the face. This tire... murdered Mary. There are certain ways that people.. when they bite it and they show it on the news.. you laugh. Like how do you get killed by bees? lol oh man good stuff good stuff. I could understand if it was like killer horses. Oh man.. I never laugh this hard.

Ok.. well yea.. just wanted to share this with all of you. Uh huh.. to bore you out of your minds.

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Date:2003-11-18 09:46
Mood: chipper
Music:um nothing...

WAHOO!! No AAP!! Apparently my prof has pneumonia.. poor guy.. but that means no class till next Tuesday! WAHOO.. i get to sleep in on thursday.. prolly wont cuz of my crazy roomie but.. whatever... Yep.. so I dont have class till 330.. I hate having such a late class.. I hate it. Meh. Oh well.. I'll survive.. maybe some sleep will make me feel better. I still have horrible cramps again. aw man. this blows.
So um yea.. lets see what else... I want to find a four leaf clover.. I havent done that in a while.. I suppose it would help if the grass wasnt dead huh? Yea prolly.. I also want food. When dont I want food.. but i never get it... AHHH! I forgot I have a philosophy paper to write. Maybe, just maybe I will do that now. mmhmmm. yep. ok.. well. more later i suppose.

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Date:2003-11-17 18:30
Mood: pessimistic
Music:My Reply by the Atari's

Sometimes I wish I had no emotions whatsoever. I could just exist... I wouldnt need contact with people. I wouldnt hurt anyone. I wouldnt be hurt BY anyone. I could just be. I probably would rather just not be sometimes but eh.. if I had to be.. that would work for me.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

uh huh. yea well.. i guess thats all i have in me for now... still feeling miserable but maybe later I'll perk up...
if anyone knows how to get people to know your feelings without spelling it out bit by bit for them.. let me know.
I know people just want to help but sometimes they just cause more of the problems... and it can hurt so problems....

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Date:2003-11-17 14:02
Mood: enthralled
Music:harry potter!!!


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Date:2003-11-17 13:24
Subject:TO DO LIST GUYS :)
Mood: horny

Ok.. so Im sittin around thinking... and I have thought of a bunch of stuff that I wanna do... yep yep. Ok so here is my list at the moment.
~Go to the zoo
~Go to the aquarium.. boston! and maybe mystic.. cuz there is some other good stuff there too...
~Watch that movie.. what is it called oh man... ummmmmm AHHH... The Shining YES.. Jess and I just went thru this big ordeal to remember the name of this movie
~We need to watch Silence of the Lambs also.. cuz Ive never seen it
~Dye Josh's hair blue
~go to the beach... again... maybe during the winter.. that is always fun.
~go to the science museum in NY..
~Go to NYC in general... maybe phantom
~have mine and val's bake sale
~get my regular nintendo working so we can play duck hunt
~BRING DUCK HUNT HERE!!!! WAHOOOOO.... we could have floorly duck hunt competitions
~learn guitar
~possibly attempt to ski... or snowboard.. which one? need some input on this one...
~UConn BBall.. as always...
~watch the wizard of oz lol
~finish my surprise for my friends
~lots and lots of pictures of my friends
~egg hermie's house.. sorry val had to say it

HMMMM Cant think of anymore right now.... mehhhhhh more later again

oh and im not horny... but i think jess might be so i put it for her lol....

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Date:2003-11-17 13:00
Mood: lonely
Music:Wish you were here... incubus

Hmm.. ok.. lets go thru what has happened.
Just went to Fractals. Hate that class. Handed in a bunch of packets... I think she was impressed. So Gina and I decided to ask if we were going to have the exam on that Monday... she said she doesnt know yet. She knows she can do it on the last day of class.. she better. Hate that woman. I gotta get home to see the concert. Eh I will no matter what. Like I said... Motel 8 here I come... take the bus home.. no one will ever know. I lead a retarded life.
Came back here.. after my chem quiz.. first one I have felt good about in a while. Now.. feeling like death again. Im afraid to go back to sleep tho b/c I always start to feel worse then. I dont know WHAT to do with myself. I cant wait till people are around to talk to... I dont know how much talking on here I will do unless this migraine goes away.... I cant stand the light.. you would think I was a vampire or something... muah ha ha maybe I am.
Just read that jerks away message again.. ugh he irritates me: Its been 5 1/2 hours and I havent even recieved one IM from anyone, this is a whole new expierience for me. GOOD NO ONE LIKES YOU ANYWAYS. oh man. cannot stand the freakin kid. Yea.. he acts like he is a 2 year old. man oh man.
I cant stop sneezing. Not that anyone cares lol. I just found out we are supposed to have room inspections sometime this week.. not that I have anything to hide.. but.. still... I know someone who does.. and she better. Um... I dont think I have any fire hazards.. except maybe that the room is so freakin crowded.. maybe that will get them to move out a roomie! WAHOO.. hope with me.
Um... yea.. well that is it for now I guess... Im considering the two things I need to do.. english and my phl paper... hmm.. yea, no. not happening. Ok.. Im gonna lay down.

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Date:2003-11-17 10:11
Subject:I cannot go to school today said little peggy ann mckay
Mood: sick
Music:jess upset about her crazy computer

I feel like death, to put it bluntly.
Without my patch, my body turns full force against me. I showered in the dark this morning. Luckily I didnt get dizzy and slip and fall. I have the WORST light migrane. Luckily PHL was cancelled. Jess is in chem so she went.. but I just slept.. or tried to sleep. My back feels like a chainsaw is sticking into it. I think I might throw up. I have cramps so tight that they could vice a car door shut. Not a very good metaphor oh well. I have Fractals in 2 hours. I have to go. I have Chem recitation (quiz) after that.... I cant take any meds b/c I will pass out before I even make it to my classes. I cant get to walmart for my meds. I dont even know what to do with myself. Staring at the light on this screen makes me want to vomit. AHHHHHHH. ick.

Yea so... on a lighter note. Valerie has survived. yay. I know she will. We all go thru the rough times.. typically all of us in our group go thru more rough spots than we deserve but eventually the good will come. I pray. Josh developed HIS version of my chocolate quote: life is like a box of chocolates, except life doesnt come in a box, theres never a paper thingie on the top to tell you which chocolates to grab, none of the flavors are anygood, nothign is wraped in cute little papers, and its nothign but a big mess of brown stuff.
Sometimes he worries me lol. But I understand him.. which frightens ME more than I worry about him. Then we discussed drugs, random things, and... um i dont remember what else. Jon sent me random texts. Definitely cheered me up.. that is after scaring the crap out of me cuz i thought my phone was off lol. Thats okay tho.

Um well.. I cant even think about sitting up any longer so.. Im gonna lay down until I have to go to class. If i die before then.. um... good! I hate fractals! lol.. if not.. more later

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Date:2003-11-16 14:34
Mood: content
Music:Chicken Dance~ blue man group

slowly but surely things are getting better. i feel like things are heading in the right direction again. im trying very hard to see more possitive and not get down. well.. with certain things...
I have again realized what a jerk brett is. yes.. i dont even know what could have made me think he had changed.
i am sooo hungry. josh and i are gonna make chocolate coated chicken nuggets. hmm i really want chicken. always do. anyone got chicken?
well.. im gonna actually do something productive for a little bit.. like study my i tech stuff. wish it wsa warmer outside.. more later.. cant wait to talk to everyone : )

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Date:2003-11-16 10:41
Mood: contemplative
Music:um nothing unfortunately

ok.. lets see.. I am a MORON. I just wrote a novel.. per the norm.. and then... again.. per the norm.. I lost it. yes i did.. and it was very much explanitory of my life crisis... whatever.
Im just gonna write a few lines right now.
As of this morning, I have realized that people dont really ever change... meaning more than one person.. the one who made me realize it however.. was the one whos away message is as follows:
Im online rite now for one reason, unfortunately that reason is not you, so dont leave a message, cuz I wont be getting back to you.(This also means no IMs saying hope you fell better, or , or , or Ill be preying for you, or hope your having a good day) If you do decide to leave a message like this you will be blocked from my buddylist, and I really dont care who you are.
NO.. it wasnt about me.. it was about a friend of mine who.. had a bad night.. and I warned her that he had crushed me in the past.. and now i feel bad cuz i feel like i didnt protect her...
I just talked to val.. and that made me realize other people who.. well.. they arent gonna change.. one whom I was seriously considering emailing last night.. and decided.. um.. if he wants to talk to me... the line is open.. otherwise why subject myself to the pain. As far as I know he hates me.. and I still tried.. so.. I have left the door open.. he just needs to except the invitation. I think about him constantly.. wish i could be there for him while times are rough... i do regret what i had said... i needed someone too... :( The other one.. really has no connection to me.. but I just hope he doesnt hurt my friend again. I have known it all along.. but he is starting to slip and I can see it...
Otherwise.. I am now wiping my slate clean. I am no longer going to apologize for every little thing. I have a right to be slightly upset sometimes.. especially over things that I have tried to fix. I love my friends and I go out of my way to tell them that. I know they care about me.. Josh def. showed me that last night. Thank you for the wonderful talk. You always know how to make me feel better.
Paranoia has gotten me nowhere.. I am not going to be able to stop being paranoid... this I know.. However I am going to try very hard to not hang on to every last word. Especially when things are too vague.. that is usually what catches me.. then I read into things. I am just gonna appreciate my friends.. cuz hell! I have the best friends in the whole world and who wants to miss out on that!

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Date:2003-11-15 22:57
Mood: worried
Music:trading spaces....

Finally talked to valerie... thank god. I dont know what I would have done otherwise.. almost started crying tho.. several times.
I have realized that... well.. i worry way too much and i am sorry guys.. im trying to work on it. I am here for you guys.. i am sorry i am not doing so hot.. i dont mean to be a pain to you guys. ... i love you guys to death and i will try to be happier.. jon.. i think you have the same ordeal as me sometimes, not to be mean.. but we both worry too much. val loves ya.. there is no doubt about it. So maybe we suck at skating.. is that our fault?! we love spending time with you guys.. you are the two greatest guys i know.

To the other guy... i dont know if u are reading this or not.. but i do miss you.. i dont know if you want to talk to me.. i dont know if you want to be in my life.. i dont know if i can handle having u back in my life.. i know i hurt you and i am sorry.. u hurt me too...

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Date:2003-11-15 20:56
Mood: sad
Music:Goin Down In Flames... 3 doors down

ok... im trying to figure out how this day can get worse... but if you think of a way.. please dont tell me.. unless you know a way i can avoid the problem.
My great uncle is very ill.. he baptized me. It isnt even his diabetes. He was such a great guy to talk to. He has a blocked artery and they dont think he will make it thru surgery. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO PEOPLE WHEN I CANT BE THERE?! why me.. it makes me feel like such a bad person.. i know it isnt my fault.. i know i cant do anything about it.. but that doesnt mean i dont feel awful.
I just realized how bad my mom is doing with this thing w/ her brother. I cant imagine my brother living in australia. And then that woman.. she has to go and cause all these problems. WHY DOES MY MOM TALK TO HER. I dont understand it... besides the fact that my mom is like me and goes out of her way to make everyone happy.
Then.. Val's phone died. She is the only one around. I need to talk to someone. I tried talking to jon.. but i dont think he either wants to talk to me or maybe i just cant deal w/ putting stuff on him. I feel like such a ..... ugh. The boys are paranoid that we dont ever want to do what they like. It hurts me. I dont know if it is just that they are worried about Val.. which is how it appears.. I cant help what she likes and doesnt like.. but dont make me feel like crap about it. I have never said i didnt have a good time. I have the best time whenever I am with you guys. We come up with some ideas. There is only so much to do. I am so tired of fighting over retarded crap. I would do anything to be with you guys right now.. im not sure why you guys dont see that. I love every darn minute i spend with you guys. I dont think I ask too much. I am sorry I am sick and that no one understands that. I cant be as active as i want to be because of it. I still had a wonderful time with you guys. I love you guys.

I am just so sad about this stuff... i just want to talk to you guys.. its hard to talk when you guys are distracted.. i should probably just let you all live your own lives since you guys are together and i am here. I am just a burden on everyone's lives. i give up

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Date:2003-11-15 16:52
Subject:boring day
Mood: aggravated
Music:Barbie girl.. foreign language hahahaha

ok.. ive read for english, read some psych.. still no philosophy..
talked to my girl.. dunno what i would do w/o her. Just wish i was with her now. Um... kinda bumming. wish i could go for a drive.. slight difficulty with this is that I HAVE NO CAR. Its too cold to be walkin around outside.. i dunno. Maybe Im lonely. i dunno. I wish there was no such thing as jealousy... especially since i have nothing to be jealous about but i still feel jealous.. now that i think about it its almost comical. hahaha. yep gonna sit here and laugh in my own face Muah ha ha.
val and i had an awesome idea of sharing a blurty.. i think we are GENIUSES! lol that must be it. that way it will be like our notebook. yep. i think its a goooooood idea. anyone else want ins? too bad we still cant do our pictures lol.. guess we will just hafta scan those still hahah. um yea.. so that is it for now. gonna um.. go do.. nothing? yea sounds about right. later gator

oh! before i go.. an explanation on the music.. for those of u who have yet to hear the story.. im trying to cheer myself up lol... last night i was listening to weird things like... being green by kermit the frog and all weird stuff.. so i was looking for barbie girl.. and i heard it in another language! the funniest thing i have like EVER heard. oh man. its funny enough the english version but this was ridiculous. maybe it was b/c it was 1 am.. dunno

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Date:2003-11-15 11:58
Subject:random is the word of the day.. meh is the random word of the day
Mood: blah
Music:nothing my media player isnt working :(

another boring bland icky weekend up here at UMD....gets pretty tiresome... guess I may actually get some work done today... maybe I'll write my philosophy paper.. oh man I HATE that class. Definitely very glad I am NOT a philosophy major. Maybe I'll even catch up on some of my poetry for english.. or even some psychology! wahoo. sounds like a blast.. i know i know.. try not to be TOO jealous.
Other than that.. it'll prolly be a rough day. I was supposed to change my patch yesterday.. and do I have another? no. So.. I have the light migrane.. staring at the computer hurts. I have cramps.. and hot and cold flashes.. and eh.. just kinda miserable. yep. So.. If I can stay focused enough.. I'll get some work done.
Toodz has her auditions today.. I hope that all goes well for her. Im sure it will.. cuz she is really awesome and she has known for a long time that this is what she wants to be doing so...
My roomie is greasing her hair again.. that has to be one of the worst smells in the entire world.. and i cant even open the window b/c its too cold. Im sneezing my brains out.. what is left of them that is.
On a happier note.. Jb called me this morning. His mom is out of the hospital. He seems to be doing better now that he knows she will be alright. His orientation is this weekend.. He is sooo scared.. its funny. He is cute when he is nervous. He'll do fine. He knows his stuff.. and hell. its only orientation. Apparently one of the girls at the station in New Britain is trying to hook up w/ him. He doesnt know what to do.. I dunno. I think he is trying to get me to tell him not to.. but Im not gonna stop him.. she is pretty cool. She was in my i tech class. I got along with her really well. I dunno. The only thing against her is she is a major flirt. She used to be all over chris. Hmm.. chris... maybe I should call him. I miss my I class.. i wish it had never ended. Jb and chris.. cant believe i let myself lose touch w/ either of them. Oh man. I just remembered my question ahhh! "what is the purpose of flavored condoms?" oh man what a night that was...

So anyways.. I miss my boys and val. I feel bad when I call val now.. she doesnt really tell me what she is thinking.. so I talk about my crap cuz well.. the akward silences w/ her... just make me feel like im losing her or suttin. I dunno. The boys apparently had a good time last night. Josh thinks he is getting his cell activated as I write this. Apparently I am programed into his phone as drew.. slightly disturbing. And jon is holla.. even more disturbing. I asked him why i was drew and jon wasnt dawson... didnt really get a response. Oh well. so yea.. wishing my friends were around to talk to at the moment.. I feel so pushy when I call cuz i never know what anyone is up to.. I always pick the wrong time to call. I dunno.. Alright.. yea that is it for now...

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Date:2003-11-14 22:41
Mood: annoyed
Music:baby elephant walk.. cell phone is ringing

The number one thing I have learned today?

yes. this is a fact. i just spent 45 mins trying to talk to him and jon... i dont think they heard more than 3 sentences of what I said.. I was looking forward to talking to them too... eh... waiting for valerie to call me back..

so.. todays changes.. my name apparently is lilian. josh is... brenda.. jon is bertha.. i have never told him about growling bertha.. or jess's car bertha. ben apparently is spanky? im so confused.. whackos...
yay val is calling bye!

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