This is the best (r)evolution since all the beauty trends started..

In case you are wondering, I wasn't talking about the self-esteem fund (which was quite comical), but rather the viewpoint that every woman deserves the right to be, and is physically beautiful in her own way, void of all the color cosmetics and graphics programs can offer.

Long before I read that.

Date several at a time. It's just a friendly, casual thing. As you are spending time doing fun stuff, also carefully examine each person.. Learn their values, their habits, their motives, their dreams. How you click. How much potential each of you has to grow individually and together.

That's actually a noble idea. Gives myself a chance to really get out there and find what who I want to grow old with.

I only have 2 problems with it:
1. I rarely find interest in more than 1 guy at a time (or when I do, one of them will probably be romantically linked in my head, and the other will remain a buddy)
2. When I do find interest in one, he will be the sole object of my thoughts and affection until "proven" otherwise. (hah)

Ahh, so how do you snap out of it when you are built a certain way? It's either I hold my gaze* upon you, or you don't meet my standards enough for me to even take a second look. Woe is me I guess. hehe.

*very highly puntentional. (read: symbolic)

I find myself laying awake for hours. I am missing my family dearly. And it is breaking my heart.
I feel sick and exhausted from emotional pressures and longing left and right.
I am chaotic and scatterbrained, it is affecting my work and my manner of conveying my thoughts.
I seemingly confuse myself and many others around me lately..

But tonight, I am also disheartened about an important decision to let go of something very soon..

I'm going to post my top 3 love-to-haves. 1 wish for each decade of my life. I'm a November baby!

1. The Washburn X50


2. Kodak DX7630 Accessory Lens Kit.


3. Zeno Zapper - to zap that surprise zit! haha!



P.S. Brandon:

This entry is currently set to private till completed.

When I wish, do I really believe I will get it? The lone star I spotted on my way home brought tears to my eyes. I thought about everything I want as of the moment, and it was a terribly long list. I tried to narrow it down, and I did to ONE. The most important to me right now. (But I won't tell you)

Why do I even wish? It is but an act of optimism, of a heart full of hope, and the knowledge of coming of unexpected gifts.

And you readeth. (hah!)

I've posted many private thoughts online..all with a feeling of being alone in the world, but knowing a familiar stranger would pass by and share in my despair or joy. There is nothing I may write that hasn't been written about.. and nothing I have felt that has not been experienced by others.

I have made countless journals from when my writing was merely scribbles, to the rather lavish 'fonts' I have learned through speedball (I have some pretty fine motor skills, yes) and one of them has landed in the hands of someone I thought I would love forever, some among friends, and the rest scattered in the wind..

And as much as I have shared of my mind's (chaotic) inner workings, I know that I still have an endless stream of secrets that I will take to the grave --- Only the Lord knows the reasons I lay awake at night, watching the moon, and sobbing my poor heart out drenching my pillow (poor pillow), pouring out a screaming, silent cry.

But a journal such as this, doesn't have a specific audience unless I drop a name or an inside joke of some sort. So who gets to witness my ramblings? Who truly understands what I am going through? Who am I really sharing my private thoughts with?

Then I realize as I go about with reading the bible, or anything for that matter.. somehow the words that affect me are the words that I find myself needing to identify with, struggling to find importance in. The same stories, the same words --- will never matter the same way to somebody else, even if we absolutely agree on the idea..

So to who do I really write for?
It is for you. And you all know who you are. And you are who I touch. With my mind and my heart.

And what you take with you, is really a part of me that was already a part of you before you ever found your way here..

As I drove from Reedley to Dinuba under 105 weather conditions, I followed a very slow moving truck that finally made a turn into the fields whipping up a great puff of brown smoke --- concealing everything beyond 30 meters. And I thought "Wow, I wonder what it would be like passing through that right now, thank God I am safe in this car!"

So I pressed forward then suddenly my eyes started stinging just as I entered that thick cloud of dust before me and I was just starting to be amazed at how capable the mind is of conjuring up sensations based on projections.

I realized (too late) that my rear windows were down.. :-/

I just ended up sitting here thinking: If God granted every wish my heart had made, this universe would be in total chaos.

Without hope. It is the driving force behind the passion in my heart. And yet the more I hope, the more I lose. It's like a neverending bitter string of events that seems to cast its shadows upon me wherever I set my sights on.

A match would be someone as deep and enigmatic as I am. Someone with an almost uncanny ability to see right through me. To know what I would do, and how I would feel long before a message has been dropped. Someone who would make me feel naked and exposed (yet not terrified) by simply casting a meaningful glance my way, peering below the surface, studying my intentions.. Someone who is sensitive beyond measure and understands every bit of me, even stumbling upon those I've failed to hide..

Why do I feel a loss for something I've never had? I only have myself to blame. It seems I will never learn. And so the cycle will go on, until I have nothing left to breathe for, no other reason to live..

I have no time to waste. And yet borrowed time is all I really have..

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a perfectionist. Not that I am, or I mean to be, but there is a difference when it comes to getting fine-tuned into details, and simply being obsessive about faults and errors.

When we care about someone, we want to do things right. Not for ourselves, but to serve and bring them joy in every possible way.

So you see, the small things in love and life do matter. These to me, spell intimacy. And that is the key to a splendid relationship for a lifetime. *sigh* When will it be my turn..

Love like you'll never get hurt.



It's the hardest yet most natural thing to do!

I got my green card and I danced for joy. Thanks, Lord.

T. And *ahem* lifetime (?) Love.

Oh well, I clicked the pop up, put in a question, and here's what it had to say:

The Sun: The situation
To do your best work in the company of a potential love interest is pure pleasure.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

When the Sun is in this position, you may be in charmed company. Circumstances are conducive for you to enjoy a well-rounded, possible relationship. You and the one you desire have the capacity to fit together effortlessly and form a perfect team.

This could very well be an exciting time in your life. The fascinating and challenging projects coming your way may be motivating you to take great strides toward developing a mutual vision. This is one of those periods when the boundaries between work and play tend to disappear. Enjoy this time for as long as it lasts.

Ten of Cups: Love and Me
Inner and outer harmony is cause for celebration in your forthcoming romantic relationship.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life.

With the Ten of Cups in this position, you may have achieved a level of harmony -- both within yourself and the one with whom you would like to be romantically involved. Your cause for rejoicing outweighs normal tendencies to bicker or compete. Your life is like one big happy family -- all the players enjoy a sense of fulfillment.

Your psychic life is in order. Likewise, your entire inner family -- including your inner child, parent self, confused adolescent, sharp and capable professional -- are working together. A major effort has been brought to fruition, satisfying you on all levels. Take note of what this feels like and keep it conscious, even as relationship circumstances change and your sub-personalities try to reassert themselves. This is the optimal state for mental, physical, interpersonal, and spiritual health.

Knight of Wands: Challenges
Muster courage for a journey that will test your confidence and optimism as you face relationship challenges.

The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) in this position is a call to muster courage and embark upon a sacred journey filled with faith. Recognize that whatever confidence and optimism you summon will be tested in the course of a challenging new relationship. However, don't expect that all will proceed as planned.

Pay attention to your feelings. Strengthen yourself as you recognize how extraordinary it is to deeply feel a sense of mission, purpose and destiny. Keep a balanced outlook. No matter how the possible relationship works out, you have the potential to serve a higher cause that is both exciting and worth the effort.

I finally started my new job. It's a far cry from working with adorable kiddies. I am pursuing my (original) career in Physical Therapy, and doing rehabilitation at a retirement community/skilled nursing facility 3 hours from San Jose.

I'm actually enjoying a bit of it. The elderly are quite amusing, especially those who are 100 years old! They are funny, full of stories, and still strong. It made me think of how far I would probably go in this lifetime.

When a friend commented at me possibly making it to that age, I realize I didn't want to if I couldn't share it with the love of my life. It's one of my biggest fears --- to love someone so much, and wonder how to go through life if he departs from this world before me. :*(

It's unecessary worry really. Besides, we've all had our fair share of physical and mental abuse. But I am happy for those that live a full, long life, and live to tell the tale of the wonderful times they've had and the experiences they gained.

They, by far, are the most adorable things I've seen in a looooong time. I want a kitty!



And the kitty grown! Ooooh!

Each day has a lesson. Invest some time and figure out if who you want is truely achieveable, is treating you the way you deserve, is the person you really thought him to be. If reflection casts doubt, don't doubt the doubt, but investigate where it is coming from and why you would feel that way.

Yes, there is one true love out there for each of us, just remember that there are paths that will bring lovers together when they are ready, willing, and able. If he is none of those things, move on.

*sigh* If he is none of those things, move on.

Why is it so hard to get over that "if"..?

A few nights ago, I dreamt of me gazing intently back at me. It wasn't the type where I was looking into a mirror back at myself at all. It was almost like I was a different person, seeing me from the outside.

The most striking thing about it, was I almost didn't recognize myself --- I had never seen myself so beautiful, with a divine glow. The expression on my face wasn't distinct or readable, but seemed to glow with a certain calmness and deep happiness --- something like a radiant bride on her wedding day.

It was one of my nicer dreams. And here I sit many days after, still wondering what it could mean..

The past month has been one of the worst times for me, due to many serious (almost psychologically debilitating) issues that have surfaced. My ability to detach my mental from my emotional side has proved somewhat helpful in allowing me to focus on the exams and the important things I needed to face for a while --- But it has also left me feeling very incomplete!

I have not had the time to truly grieve regarding a delicate heart situation.

And the past weeks I've questioned myself why I am so intent in discovering more of the person who has captured my thoughts and my feelings, why I am emotionally investing myself into knowing more deeply about him, and probably the most pressing of questions: Should I give up, or should I wait and hang tight? And though I am courageous, I feel I will not survive a second heartbreak of the same nature, and caused by the same person!

I, for one thing, desire a "One Love, One Lifetime" kind of partnership. And though he and I have never known each other in our formative years, together we could create and nurture a safe environment where we could both dream in, and strive to meet those dreams. And the root of my disappointment is that I truly feel I am losing out on that chance, having never been given an opportunity to spend time with him and find out for myself if he (or this) is what I truly want.

He makes me feel that both of us awaken the true, simple hearts of our inner child and all the idealism it holds --- the optimism of youth that we both potentially share --- reaching deep into ourselves identifying our purest, most wholesome impulses. Not even too much to say that we both probably dream of a fairy-tale/Romeo & Juliet kind of romance. Young or "immature", but pure.

But even as I think of all these things, the future is one thing I will never truly know. For now they remain nothing more than a possible story. Our long-term potential is really unknown. A wildcard that may still only be starting to take its form, yet to be played.

All I know is that even within the gloomy depths of my mind, I find a spark that ignites my faith and courage, and a glimmer of hope that leaves me still able to somehow (as difficult as it seems) smile and laugh at the changes in my life. And knowing that there is a way to find beauty and purpose in each new day.

Note on the "ray": I passed my National Physical Therapy and California Law Exams. Now let's go celebrate my birthday with this kind, merciful gift from Him!

I wish I wasn't always at the mercy of my emotions.