Just letting a few of you guys know I'm still kicking. (hah!)

I've made a move to another part of Cali, and currently on temp living arrangements. With that comes dial-up net access through my celphone.

Believe me, this is not fun.

:/

I should be writing again soon. *wink!*

haha. I finally posted one. First of (hopefully, more fun later) cover videos.

CLICK HERE and pardon me for the flat notes. lol.

I do not know how I would be
If I never laid eyes upon you

I would have missed
The best part of my life
An illusion as this may be

And yet with all the lillies that cry
For your attention

You chose me and set me
Apart from them
Such a glorious mystery to me

I wake up each morning, and you greet me
With your brightness, your smile

I long for your embrace for there
Is nothing like your touch
To calm my fears

Your voice shakes my very foundations
I cannot wait for each night
When I can sit under the moon
And listen to you speak

I gaze upon you and I only see
Your beauty in all that is around me
And I have never been in such awe
Of anyone
As I am of you

It is amazing how someone
Could make me feel this way

My dearest friend and
My most trusted companion

My happiness, My pride, My life, My greatest love.

And I am so in love with You.

Please click on the image below. *yay!*

This very cute set of trivial facts came to my attention today:

The marvelous human organ, the skin. Constantly replenishing itself, the skin covers a whopping [20] square feet and constitutes 15 percent of our total body weight. In the three layers of ONE SQUARE INCH of skin you’d find:

• 19 yards of blood vessels
• 65 hairs
• 78 yards of nerves
• 100 sebaceous glands
• 650 sweat glands
• 1,300 nerve endings
• 20,000 sensory cells
• 129,040 pores
• 9,500,000 cells
(Rodan and Fields 2004)


That is the amazing beauty of God. How He creates something so wonderfully complicated, yet so uniquely simple.

Because this really cheered me up.. :-D!

Where the hell is Matt?!

I've only spoken to my father a few times..

Met with him even less than that..

And yet my heart goes out to the man who has imparted his gift and his love --- once, a dear long time ago --- to the woman I adore and love the most in this world --- my mother.

Drugs are ruining his mind, taking his sanity, crippling his hands. And music is the only piece of joy and hope he has. Music is his life, his breath. It is the only thing he knows..

It is slowly slipping from him. Yet for someone I have never truly known.. there is a deep sense of loss and sadness.

Pray. That is all I can do. That is all you can do. Please. Help.

This is posted in public for a new friend I have. ;)

My mind shifts swiftly as I find much beauty in photos that depict emotion, imagination, mystery that I am often awestruck. So just this once, I would like to do something for myself. Just a journey into a world that others see as a serious industry. Why?

Because there is something powerfully inspiring about immortalizing a moment. To be remembered for my passion, for being raw, penetrating, and my imaginative self filled with prose, poetry, and love.. This will include everything I've written, everything I've done, and every way I have been --- yet the images will not be mine alone, as they will carry many stories from the many lives that will connect with me to create it.

I look forward to a private gallery of sorts, to bring some poems, some stories, some memories to life --- romantically capturing my youth. So that when I am gray and wise, I will look back and remember the beauty and elegance that surrounded my world. To feel who I was, who I am, and not merely enjoy the tapestry.

This new year is the time for me to truly step out of my shell, out of my bounds, and fearlessly pursue the things to which my heart is called to do.

I have held back in attempt to protect the people who depend on me from the decisions I may have to make without obligation to anyone.. but in the past I have not been completely happy. I feel that pursuing what I want is a selfish thing to do. But a mindset like this is not fair to the people I love, who love me back and really care for me.

My family and friends fully support me in pursuing my dreams, and they have always told me to reach for it. It's about time.

The only thing really stopping me: IS MYSELF.

So here, I pledge to actively seek out opportunities, seize the moments and just do it.

1. Clear off any standing financial debts.
2. Record my first album.
3. IMTA's showcase for music & commercial modeling.
4. Land at least one commercial for a sophisticated, famous product.
5. Tour Europe with a special guy.. my mother, & my brother.

The list will grow and I am determined to fulfill them all. May take me a few months, to a decade (the Lord decides on this) and if #2 and #3 boom this year, I will be making a major move to the city of Los Angeles. Whew.

From me and someone who you mean the world to. At the time this is sent, you wouldn't have the fullest idea what I am talking about, but you someday will.

And it will be a treasure worth holding on to. This love that your father has for you.

May this birthday be full of abundance and joy in all things, and may you continue to grow in the hopes and dreams, and love that everyone around you has.

A very wise man (that I so admire!) has encouraged me with these 2 words. The movie Amelie has been also a great inspiration. I have not completely figured out what is holding me back, but I know that a big part of that is simply ME.

I have determined in my heart that I will set out to find myself and find my dreams this new year. No worries, No excuses, No regrets. The ever powerful Nike slogan boldly commands: "Just Do It."

And that is what I am going to do. I wonder if I'll hear someone say, "It's about time!"

:-)

To you, and you, and you..(You all know who you are)

.. Thank you. You have blessed me and encouraged me beyond words.

Not as cliched as you think, mind you. So here you have the remarkable random ramblings of a raw and somewhat hurting heart.

After everything I have seen and heard regarding visual expressions, I don't think anything would be more important to me as being the key to someone's creations..

Nothing comes close to the joy of knowing you are a great inspiration to someone..

And yet when I sit still in the dark, and search my heart.. I find unhappiness in knowing that though I may be someone's deepest muse..

I will never be a solid part of the masterpieces that he will create.. :-(

My brother turns 27 today, and I 30. And in celebration of the wonderful things to thank the Lord for (including a surprise party my friends threw that touched me so), I have begun to post my favorite toy's trip to New York City: The Pumpkin Chronicles. He is somewhere within selected shots. So search vewwy closely..

haha, more to come, but there are additional snapshots in there.. I hope you get to read the descriptions. They are important to me for the images. Who knows, I might make a coffeetable book out of it!

Awhile back, my grandfather and I had a little chat about men. And he told me, "If a man is family-oriented, is good with his finances, and thinks the world of you --- you must never let him go."

I was reminded of him (grandpa) as I was working with this elderly lady today. It was the first time I had met her, and while I was teaching her to manage her walker, we talked about work, life, and love.

She ended up telling me how her husband had opted to have a certain operation so she wouldn't have so much trouble carrying and raising kids. She remembered how it was one of the sweetest things he ever did for her.

And with a smile she goes, "Oh I loved him to death. That is the way it should be."

I am sure she noticed the sad smile I had, for this longing I have in my heart. And she looked at me and understood without my words. Then she said, "Child, when you meet that man, he alone will be the one who deserves you and all of your love."

I thought that was the sweetest, most encouraging and gentle reminder of how I am made for better things, and how I am built for higher ground..

It is one thing to be observed, followed, chased after. But it is another thing to be placed under a rigid microscope and inspected till there is nothing left to myself. I know that I may not live up to your critical appraisal because I often make harsh, emotional judgements.

Carefully scrutinize me if you must and if you wish.. But also --- don't miss the forest for the trees..

And a single offense can be enough to ruin your whole reputation. Why don't people understand that I'm just someone who doesn't always happen to be in the best of moods? I try to be nice even when I'm upset --- especially if you are not the cause of my frustration.. but days come where I can be awfully rude to you.

And when my fury has passed, I will come to you with my sincerest apologies.

But I constantly ask the Lord to help me curb my tongue, and help me manage my (usually) out-of-whack emotions. So staying silent, or shifting the focus of discussion are all I can do for the moment --- for now. Because everytime I fall, I need to start over.

This is the best (r)evolution since all the beauty trends started..

In case you are wondering, I wasn't talking about the self-esteem fund (which was quite comical), but rather the viewpoint that every woman deserves the right to be, and is physically beautiful in her own way, void of all the color cosmetics and graphics programs can offer.

Long before I read that.

Date several at a time. It's just a friendly, casual thing. As you are spending time doing fun stuff, also carefully examine each person.. Learn their values, their habits, their motives, their dreams. How you click. How much potential each of you has to grow individually and together.

That's actually a noble idea. Gives myself a chance to really get out there and find what who I want to grow old with.

I only have 2 problems with it:
1. I rarely find interest in more than 1 guy at a time (or when I do, one of them will probably be romantically linked in my head, and the other will remain a buddy)
2. When I do find interest in one, he will be the sole object of my thoughts and affection until "proven" otherwise. (hah)

Ahh, so how do you snap out of it when you are built a certain way? It's either I hold my gaze* upon you, or you don't meet my standards enough for me to even take a second look. Woe is me I guess. hehe.

*very highly puntentional. (read: symbolic)

I find myself laying awake for hours. I am missing my family dearly. And it is breaking my heart.
I feel sick and exhausted from emotional pressures and longing left and right.
I am chaotic and scatterbrained, it is affecting my work and my manner of conveying my thoughts.
I seemingly confuse myself and many others around me lately..

But tonight, I am also disheartened about an important decision to let go of something very soon..

I'm going to post my top 3 love-to-haves. 1 wish for each decade of my life. I'm a November baby!

1. The Washburn X50


2. Kodak DX7630 Accessory Lens Kit.


3. Zeno Zapper - to zap that surprise zit! haha!



P.S. Brandon: