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16th July 2003
Being alone is fine. I don't mind being alone. But being lonely is something I cannot deal with. Right now I could walk into a room full of people and still feel lonely. I feel as though I'm standing alone in this world. There's nobody on my side. There isn't a single person that offers me comfort and security right now. :
I've started pulling away from everyone. I won't message people when I'm online--I wait for them to message me before I talk. And the conversations are lacking, to say the least. There's the basic questions--"What's up? How are you?"...and after that, the conversations usually die.
I'm even pulling away from my best friend. I feel as though I'm hurting her. I know it bothers her to see me like this, I know it hurts her so much. And I don't want to be the one causing anyone pain. I just wish she'd understand where I'm coming from right now. She doesn't know how hard an ED is. She doesn't understand why my mind changes constantly. She needs to learn that this isn't me. God, she doesn't even know who I really am... I just wish that for one day she'd understand me. She wouldn't talk about treatment, and she wouldn't argue with me when I say nothing is wrong. Fuck, let me have a few minutes in my mind; let me pretend everything is great. I need that. I need to feel like I can escape. What's the point of talking to a friend if it just hurts more?
Doesn't matter. I'm taking a break from everyone. People don't need me around all the time. I'm too much of a bother.
I feel the need to be alone. I speak a lot less than normal. Right now I'm writing a lot, I know, but that's because I feel I need to say this. I think everyone is getting mad at me for not being around a lot, and for not talking as much as normal. Maybe it doesn't matter to anyone. Maybe nothing really matters...
I just hate myself right now. I can't stand to be around me, and I don't think others should have to be around me, that's why I'm being like this and blocking everyone out.
19th June 2003
Not much to say. I've been really up and down the past few days. (As you all know from reading the journal, and chatting with me). I've had a lot of really bad lows, to be honest. I've felt completely suicidal. Last night I sat there for two hours visualizing my death; my suicide. I'm not going to do it, keep in mind. I think that visualizing it helps me in a way. It keeps me from really going through with it, because I see the whole thing--I even see how people would react after. :
I'm not sure why I'm getting worse--depression wise. I don't really understand. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from myself; from life. I see myself, but I really don't, if that makes sense. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be able to know what I was going to do...I actually had control of my actions. But now I can honestly say that I don't think I have control. It's odd, and frightening.
Sometimes I get so confused. I sit here and try to figure myself out. I try to understand what's going on in my head, what I'm wanting/needing, why I'm doing the things that I do... I really don't understand. I don't know if I'll ever understand, either. I just can't figure things out. Simple things, too. Like, how I'm feeling. At this very moment, I do not know how I'm feeling. I don't know how I'll be feeling five minutes from now. It's scary. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and I can't predict the twists and turns, or ups and downs...this is all new to me, and I'm not liking it anymore.
Current Music: Make up your mind--theory of a deadman
17th June 2003
I was just thinking. :
I've spent the last seventeen years of my life relying on others. I need others to accept me, to care about me. I need so much from other people...
Then I got to thinking about all of those that I've left behind. People that I used to be so close to, and they moved, or I moved, or whatever the case may be.
I remember this one time I moved from somewhere...it meant saying goodbye to somebody that I trusted; somebody that meant a lot to me. I really thought it would kill me. I cried constantly, and almost lost my will to live. I'm still not sure what kept me here...who knows?
It's just so weird. I'm sure somebody reading this can relate. You come to rely on somebody. That person isn't necessarly your life, but you do need that person to be a part of your life. Then when that person is gone, part of your life is, too...part of you leaves with that person.
I sometimes wonder if that's one of my problems. Maybe it's my only problem. I've had to change so much in my life. I've lived everywhere imaginable, I've met and had to deal with many different people. And all of the people that I thought I couldn't live without are gone from my life today. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I can't recognize the person that looks back at me when I'm standing at the mirror.
I hate this feeling. I really do.
There are so many people that I miss. So many that I haven't been able to say goodbye to, for one reason or another. So many that I needed, and still continue to need. I never stopped needing them. I just found others to temporarly replace them...that's all.
I don't know where I belong anymore. I've tried so hard to find out who I am, and what's best for me. I'm starting to think that I don't belong anywhere...
Bottom line; I'm lost. I need to be saved. I'm relying on others to see the hopeless child that I have once again become, and I'm hoping that somebody will save me.
Doubt it will happen, though. Like I said, the most important people to me are no longer in my life.
So why bother living anymore?
8th June 2003
My friend is mad at me. I know my friend is... :
I don't get it though. I don't know what I did...
Everyone is telling me I shouldn't care, but I do. It totally upsets me...
whatever. Obviously I fucked up somehow. It's my fault. usually is...always is.
This is why I should just stop talking to people and be alone forever.
5th June 2003
I am nothing....
I feel useless. As though I'm a waste of space. :
I'm quite upset right now. I was thinking...and I realized something. I am useless. People that I used to talk to all the time no longer speak to me. People that used to turn to me for advice, or comfort, or whatever, no longer feel the need to come to me.
Why am I alive?
And it's frustrating as hell. I sat here for three hours today on the phone with someone who was depressed and suicidal. Three hours. My phone bill will be insane. I'm not saying I regret it; quite the opposite. I'm glad I picked up the phone, and I'm glad I talked to the person. They're feeling a lot better now.
But who is there for me when I need someone? Who calls me, or IMs me and asks if I need to talk? Nobody.
I need to talk, too. I need to get my anger, and frustration, and sadness out of me. But nobody even tries to see that.
I just need to cry. I need someone to comfort me. Tell me I'm not useless, and I'm not a waste of space. I need someone to listen to why I'm feeling so horrible lately.
Nobody will, though. I'll never get what I need. ...I'll probably end up losing control and killing myself before people even take the time to notice that I'm not doing well.
That's alwas how it is. I start losing my mind, and then after I do something drastic, people suddenly see that I'm needing help. I shouldn't have to get to that point. People should ask how I'm doing before it gets that far.
Fuck. I don't even know anymore.
I am useless.
I am a waste of space.
I am NOTHING.
Someone put me out of my misery...please....
2nd June 2003
don't even know what I'm thinking...
I feel like total shit today. I'm in the bitchiest mood I've been in for like, EVER. I seriously feel like I'm going to go insane. I have like, no energy today. I woke up at like, noon, and layed in bed until around 6:00pm. I didn't want to lay there, but I really could not move. I am totally lacking energy. It's horribly pathetic, if you ask me. I'm seventeen years old and I don't even have enough energy to get out of bed. A combination of depression and lack of food in my system is not a fun thing. It's killing me, and fuck, I just wish it would hurry. :
Days like today are the worst for me. I'm bitchiest when I don't have energy. It makes me feel so fucking useless and pathetic I mean, I can't do ANYTHING. I can hardly get out of bed...and when I do, I have enough energy to come to the computer. Today I don't even feel like talking to anyone. People have been calling for me...I just turned the ringer off so I wouldn't have to hear the phone. People online are messaging me even as I type this, but I'm ignoring everyone. My status is set to away...why don't people see that? Ugh...I shouldn't be mad at anyone. This is nobody's fault but mine. I'm the one that has fucked everything up for myself.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm going to die because of the way I am right now. Well, please, tell me how much longer I have to wait? I don't even know if I want to live. I mean, death is an easy exit. It's like, I'm gone, everyone can go on with their lives...
Fuckity fuck fuck. My mind is so messed up right now it isn't even funny.
I got pissed off at my brother today...he was being such a little jerk. Instead of taking it out on him, I took a blade and took it out on myself. It's my fault that he hates me. It's my fault that everyone hates me.
I notice that people are talking to me less and less. People have given up on me. Even the ones that say, "Oh, I care, and no matter what, I'm going to be here for you." ...people that say that are actually most likely to give up, I've come to realize. Stil lnot sure if that bothers me. I mean, it's upsetting me that a few people aren't around anymore..but for the most part, I'm enjoying the solitude. It makes it easier for me. I've been saying to people, "Let me let go...". And know what? They're doing that... so I shouldn't really complain or be upset--I'm getting what I want, right? I want people to stop caring. I want people to give up.... that way I can, too. The less people that care about me, the less would be hurt by my death.
Jesus fucking Christ....I am so messed up.
31st May 2003
I fucked up.
what is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking stupid? The only people that mattered to me have given up. Nobody cares anymore... I'm too much to deal with. :
I want to die. I'm not going to get help. I'm going to let this ED kill me.
Just a matter of time...
27th May 2003
So I'm going to go for treatment...I'm not sure when, exactly. But I do know that I have to go. It's not optional. Michelle told me yesterday to pick somewhere that I feel will work for me. :
It's scary, though. I mean, sometimes I do want help. But most of the time I feel so hopeless...it's as though nothing will get better.
I've got to decide, though. Either I get help and get better, or I stay like this and die. Either way it's good and bad. I mean, treatment might make things better-but that means change. I do NOT like change. But if I let myself slowly die, I'd be hurting not only myself, but anyone that might care about me. And I'd miss out on a lot in life...
I'm in the process of looking for somewhere, though. I'm going to go, and even if it doesn't help, at least I tried. And if it does work, that might be good, too. Maybe things will get better for me.
Well, I'm going to call Jeimy now and see where she thinks I should go...see what she thinks about everything. She'll offer some insight.
I'm just tired of feeling so sick.
Current Music: "At Seventeen"...can't remember who sings it.
25th May 2003
Nothing to say. :
I'm massively depressed right now. At this very moment, I want nothing more than to die. Who knows...maybe one of these days I'll act on that urge. We'll see, won't we?
I can picture my death. I know how it would be. I know everything. It's beautiful, when I visualize it. It's so peaceful, and amazing...
*sigh* I want to die. :(
Current Music: Strawberry Gashes -Jack off Jill
23rd May 2003
I might go for treatment... :
Yesterday I had a long conversation about it with Jeimy. She told me that she's really worried, because she can see I'm getting worse. I don't know if I'm actually getting worse, though. I mean, in regards to weight, I still feel so huge. :( The scale says I'm losing, but I don't feel like I am. I feel the same as always--fat Kristin. I'm down to 92lbs. That's still huge.
And in regards to SI--I see more cuts and more scars, but it doesn't feel like i'm getting worse. I mean, I'm cutting more frequently...that doesn't mean anything though, right?
*sigh* I don't know what to think. But I might give treatment a try. If others are noticing that I'm "worse", than maybe there really is a problem. I just don't know if I'm ready to get "better". What is better,anyway?
We'll see...if there's a really good program, I might give it a shot. As long as it's something that I'd totally like.
Current Music: Eminem-Lose yourself
22nd May 2003
Hating myself *so* much.
I no longer want to wake up each day and continue on as though things are okay...things are *not* okay. I am not okay. I want to cry, but the tears just won't fall. I need to cry. I need to talk. I need someone to listen to me. I need someone to know everything that is going on inside my head. i will never be happy until I can finally speak about all of the issues. There are so many people that know basically nothing about me. They know I'm Kristin, that's about it. Nobody knows about the thoughts that are running through my mind...even at this very minute, I'm talking to like, 4 different people, and not one of them knows what's going on with me. I dont tell people, because I know that nobody wants to know. I'm not going to sit there and spill my heart to someone just to have them sitting there, totally bored out of their mind. :
*sigh* I'm such a bitch. I really, really am. I fucking hate me.
I feel sick. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I feel as though I'm falling apart. like the slightest thing is just going to push me over the edge. God, I hope something pushes me. I hope that I finally get the courage to do something. I just want to die. I want everyone to give up on me. Pretend I don't exist...I may as well not exist. I do nothing with my life. I spend endless hours online, chatting with people...that's about all I do. I never help anyone, I don't make a difference. I'm useless.
Current Music: Pink Floyd--Goodbye Cruel World..
21st May 2003
just some useless bitching.
I am confused. Very fucking confused. :
I want to leave here. I want to just run away and disappear and never be heard from again. I want people to forget about me. I want everyone to act like I don't exist. Not too hard, I guess...most people don't notice me unless they need something. I'm basically invisible.
I'm sitting here, crying hysterically, and hating myself so much, and nobody is even bothering. My grandma has walked by me 5 times already, and hasn't said a damn word.
I feel sick. I feel as though I'm dying...my stomach hurts like hell, my head is killing me. I hate feeling like this.
I don't feel like typing anymore.
Sorry for the useless babble.
Current Music: Billie Meyers--Kiss the Rain
19th May 2003
Long...me babbling about matt.
Been thinking again. This time I'm trying to think good thoughts. :
I was thinking about Matt. *sigh* he was so awesome. I'm going to babble about him for a bit...it'll cheer me up!
I remember when I saw him...me and Melissa were sitting outside, and she's like, "Damn, he's hot!" And he walked by and said hi to me! Yes, ME!! Pathetic little Kristin--he noticed *me*! I spent half the day sitting in my room watching him through the window! It was slightly humorous--I felt like I was stalking him! :) But yeah, so anyway...
That night I was outside on the phone with melessa...then Matt walked by and he was like, "Oh, hey, I'm Matt. How are you doing?" Holy damn! I hung up the phone--I don't even think I said bye to Melessa! Then Matt and I were talking. We just sat there all night talking. About anything and everything. He talked about his job, and what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. I talked about my future, as well. That was the only time I actually felt myself having a future...he brought instant happiness to me. I can't even describe the feeling--I was actually HAPPY!!!! At about, 5:00am we both went back to our seperate rooms. I sat there until the sun was up, just thinking about him.
Then at 10:00am someone knocked on my door. I opened it, and it was him! Ahh!! I remember what he said--he was like, "Hey Kristin. It was great talking to you last night. I was wondering...wanna come out and play basketball with us?" I said yes!!
I think it's time I give a bit of matt history--He's from a band. He lives in Toronto. Him and the band were here playing one of the festivals in windsor.
Okay, back to the story.... so we were all there--all of us being the band members-Michael, the other Matt, Chantelle, Christina, and a few others...I can't remember all their names. And let me tell you, they were ALL so fucking awesome. They were friendly, and very welcoming. I felt like I had known them all forever, because they were so comfortable with me being there, and vice versa.
Well, after basketball Matt was like, "So...what is there to do in Windsor?" I told him really nothing, except the mall and hanging out by the river (my two favourite things!). So he's like, "Well, let's go!" And we went down to the river.
It was so awesome! I usually don't get into vehicles with strangers, but like I said, omigod, he was fucking awesome!! (Did I mention he's totally hot!!) So we hung out by the river for almost two hours, then back to the motel.
Matt was getting in trouble for neglecting rehearsal, so he left for a while. When he got back that night, he knocked on my door and he was like, "Well, we're all going to go upstairs, hang out and have a few beers. Want to join us?" I practically RAN up there! *lol* We were all sitting there, and they were all playing songs, and singing, and Chantel and Christina got extremly hyper, and were jumping on the beds! We all starting throwing fruit around (they got fruit baskets as 'thank you' for performing). It was so much fun!!
Anyways, after a couple drinks, we decided to go outside to escape the noise, and talk some more. I could just sit there with him and talk about anything. I could listen to him talk about *anything* and just be totally amazed by him. This is the cute part--I was freezing cold, so I was like, "I'm going to get a sweater...I'll be back in a minute" And he said, "No, don't go yet. One minute"--then he ran into his room and came out with a sweater for me!! AHHH!! :)
Well, the days continued like that...we played basketball, we all had a few drinks, then matt and I would go outside and talk.
The last two nights were hard for me. I knew he was going to be leaving. I knew it was foolish to be totally head over heals for him...but I was anyway. He brought me happiness, made me feel alive again.
The very last night, I think he noticed I was upset. I was still having fun, but I was a little less talkative. He was like, "how about we go talk?" So we went to my room (Thank god for me I was able to send the worker home!!!) ...So we were sitting there talking, and then one thing led to another.... And that's all you need to know!!!
He drove down to the river so we could watch the sunrise. How fucking amazing. It was the best way to spend a last day with someone I was never going to see again. Fucking blew my mind! We just stood there...I was wearing his sweater, too! :)
When they were leaving, he gave me his home number, cell phone number and work number. He was like, "I want you to call me anytime, okay? ANYTIME." and he kissed me, one last time. By this time I was like, ready to cry hysterically! How could I love someone that I had only known for a week? I don't know how...but I for sure did.
When they were gone, I cried. I sat in my room and cried for a few hours. Then the worker came in -- it was Charity that came in. I was always close with her, so she knew the whole week how totally in love with Matt I was. She knew how heartbroken I'd be when he left, and she was there for me. As soon as she came in I ran over to her and started crying. I was so upset! Devistated! My heart was broken!
Matt called later that night. He wanted to let me know he got back okay, and was thinking of me. We kept in touch for a while. Last time I talked to him on the phone was around New Years'. I still get e-mails from him from time to time. I actually got one a few days ago, which is what made me write this. *sigh* I don't know if I'll reply to it, though.
He was my reason to live for a week. He was my happiness. And those memories will be in my heart forever. He changed my life; he changed me. He showed me that people aren't all bad. He showed me that people can, as a matter of fact, fall in love instantly. I've always got the memories--and lots of pictures. :)
Wow...I was happy when I started writing this--now I'm crying! I know, I'm lame...but you know what they say-- You can't help who you fall in love with. :)
Current Music: You don't wanna know what I'm listening to!! :)
18th May 2003
Memories of that night...
I can't sleep. I'm having those horrible nightmares again. I can't make them stop. And it doesn't feel like I'm asleep when I really am...it feels so real. It feels like that night all over again. :
..I was so scared. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want him near me. Why did he keep coming closer? Why was it me? Why not the girl that was all over him, and drunk already? What made him choose me?
Why did I go? I didn't have to. What was I thinking? I was scared. That's all I remember. I was so scared and alone. There was nobody to stop my tears from falling. Nobody to protect me from HIM. I still see his face. I still feel his hands all over me. I hear his voice. He whispers "Be quiet. Just cooperate and it will be okay. I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you. Lay still." I was quiet. I was still. I did what I was told. He still hurt me. He has caused more damage than anyone else. His face is always in my mind. I can still hear his voice whispering to me.
I try to get rid of the memory. I try to get rid of him. I cut and cut but it doesn't remove the feeling of his touch. I burn myself, and I still hear his voice and see his face. I yell and scream and cry and cut and burn but it doesn't stop. He will be in my mind forever. I will never be the same again.
I can't sleep...I will just lay in the dark and cry until the sun rises. Then I will enjoy the sunshine before another night of hell...
17th May 2003
Seven Months Today...
Things aren't good today. I really messed up. I did something today that I haven't done for a long time...and now that I've done it again, I'm afraid I'll get into the habit of doing it again. I don't need anything else to keep me addicted. I don't need anymore problems. I can't cope with anything else. And the thing is, I was actually proud of myself for not needing to use *the thing* as a way of coping. I was glad that I had given it up, and I thought I'd never go back. Go figure--Kristin's wrong again. :
Today it has been seven months without my mom. I stayed awake all last night...I do each month on the 16th and 17th, because that's what happened the night she died...I had been up all night chatting with Milissa, and then at 6:30am the phone rang...
I still fear phone calls. If my cell phone rings, I'm okay...it's just a cell phone, and I didn't have it before, so there's really no association. But when the home phone rings, I totally panic. I get all freaked out and feel so stressed. It's even worse now. Since I'm living with my grandparents, I use thier phone line a lot, too, so I don't have such a huge phone bill. The phone that's in my room is the one I had in my apartment...the phone I was using when I got the call telling me about my mother. I hadn't heard that phone ring for almost 7 months...I plugged it in a few days ago, and I think i'm going to get rid of it. It's too hard for me. *Any* phone call sets me off. I want to curl up into a ball and cry for hours on end.
I feel it happening again. I feel myself drifting away from everyone. I feel so far away from others right now...so unloved. I feel as though I'm not even noticed.
I don't know anymore...today is the worst day I've had in a long time. I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. How could I fuck things up so badly?
Ugh. I hate being a failure.
Current Music: Skeeter Davis--The End of the World
16th May 2003
Seeing my file
Today I requested to see my file from CAS. Michelle told me that I have to write down why I want to see my file...that won't be so hard. I mean, I just want some questions to be answered. I want to know why my mom didn't want me. I want to know what was so bad about me. :
I'm off to do that now...when I've done it, maybe I'll post the letter. We'll see...
15th May 2003
What is it?
I don't get it. There is something wrong with me, but what is it? Maybe there's nothing wrong. Maybe I'm just searching for a problem that doesn't exist. I have a lot of issues, apparently, but what the hell are they? How am I supposed to find out? I don't know anymore...I really have no clue what's going on in my head, or with my life. :
Most people I know are aware of their problems, so at least they know what to fix. But I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to fix. NO idea.
I know my mom hated me. I know she did. Otherwise she wouldn't have given me up. I was a shitty kid though. I was such a little brat. I cried all of the time, I had a horrible attitude. She had every right to hate me.
My family still hates me. Most of them won't even look at me anymore. They all pretend I don't exist. I was a pain in the ass, and to them, I sill am. I'm not as perfect as they are.
As for my friends...fuck. I don't know if I can honestly say I've ever had a friend that really cares about me. All of my friends were always too high to notice anyone, let alone me. I was with them, though..I was high when I was with them. Drugs were my life. I needed drugs to feel alive, to be real.
I've never lived in a place where people have actually loved me. I mean, bouncing from group homes to foster homes to other places...how could people really care about me? nobody had a chance to get to know me. They never kept me around long enough.
Maybe that's the problem--I'm a fuck up, and nobody cares about me.
I know that it bothers me if people don't like me. I *hate* when people dislike me. All I need is to be accepted. I need people to care about me. I need to know that I'm important, I need to be told tha I matter.
All I really want out of life is a home...a place that I can live, and be happy, and have people that are happy to have me there. Somewhere that I'm not judged. Somewhere that I'm real, and people like me.
I guess that's too much to ask.
Confusion...what a beautiful thing...
I feel so confused! It's really weird. I mean, I know that right now I'm not doing well, but I mean...I don't know if I even care. I don't know if I want to change anything. I don't think I do. I think I should just sit back and let things fall apart even more. I don't know if I should live or die. I'm basically at the point that I have to choose. I could let things get worse--I could let myself let everything go, and just slowly die. Or I could step up and do something to change things. I don't know what I should do. I'll probably slowly die. It's easier for me right now.I have no desire to live. :
I haven't felt good at all lately...physically, or emotionally. I don't want to complain to anyone, though. After all the bitching that's been done at SH lately, I don't want to say anything that will make people start on me! I'll just keep my mouth closed. My problems don't really matter, anyway. I'm just Kristin...nobody special, nobody important.
This sounds like total self-pity...it's not, trust me. I don't even like myself, and I am the *last* person in the world that I would pity. I bring this hell upon myself. I let things go wrong, I make things go wrong. I can't blame anyone else. It's nobody's fault but mine, and I'm willing to realize that.
Well, I'm going to go for now...I have nothing more to day.
Current Music: Pink Floyd--Hey You.
14th May 2003
So today is another boring day. There isn't much happening. :
I've decided that I need to exercise a lot more. I need to keep losing weight. It's so great to see the fat just disappearing...it's amazing how much better I begin to feel. I'm definitly losing weight again, I can *totally* feel it! I just wish people would stop telling me that I'm fine the way I am. I'm not fine, I'm fat. I hate that others lie to me, as though I'm stupid or something. I can see how much weight I have on me, I know I'm fat. Ugh. Enough about weight for a few minutes...
Things are okay. I think I'm finally adjusted to live in Kingsville. Don't know why I bother, since I'll be moving back to Windsor soon. Jeimy and I had a discussion about that. She said that I'm not getting any better in Kingsville--I'm just getting worse. She said that in Windsor, I was happier. I didn't act happy, it was natural happiness. I think she's forgetting everything that has happened, though. I mean, I've lost my mother, most of my friends, and more keep disappearing day after day.
It's hard for me right now, but I've decided not to complain about how bad it is. Most people don't care about what's going on in my life. I'm fine with that. I've accepted that not everyone is going to like me. I've also come to realize that most people won't even care about me. It's hard as hell to feel so alone, but it's life, I guess. I'll adjust to it one day.
Well, that's all for now. It's a beautiful day, so I want to finish replying to my e-mails and get offline...I need to fresh air or something!
Current Music: Fighter--Christina Aguilera!
5th May 2003
I spent the last two hours trying to help someone. Trying to show someone that things can be changed, and things can get better. What does the person say? "Yeah, this coming from someone who cuts herself and has an eating disorder." What the hell? I'm trying to help, and that's what I get? Ugh. Shows me how people are. I have officially given up helping others. I can't deal with this. It's too damn hard. I do everything in my power to help others, and it's freakin pointless and a waste of time. :
Ugh...must go relieve stress.
1st May 2003
I can't believe I'm keeping a journal on here. I don't know why I'm doing this. My thoughts are always pointless and boring. I have nothing intelligent or important to say. I guess I'm just bored, and need some sort of entertainment. :
My life is crazy lately. I hate living in this town. I hate that I have hardly any friends here--or anywhere, for that matter. I'm feeling more alone and isolated now than ever before. It's pure hell, and I'm hating every minute of my life.
That's all I have to say for now. Perhaps I'll write more later.
Current Music: Jack off Jill---Strawberry Gashes.