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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
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2:53 pm
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well then....this is embarrasing....
he proposed...last friday night. on the 26th of september, with the sunset as the backdrop..huh. lol.
i guess that was why he had been distant. because he was trying to get everything ready to propose. wow. am i an asshole or what.
of course i said yes. i love him more then anything. truth be told, i think it is a little soon. but that might just because i know other people think that. but then i think do i really care? i know i love him, and i know how much i love him. and thats all that really matters.
so as for the proposal....
the first time he ever came to my house, it was classified as our first real date. we just walked around the neighbourhood and talked. well we ended up finding this ridge in a park near my house, which overlooks part of kitchener, and has a perfect view of the sun setting. so our first date, we watched the sunset in this park.
also, for the first 6 months we were toegther, every 26th, he would give me a card that he had made. now im not just talking happy 26th on a folded piece of paper. im talking intergite shapes and fold outs and 3-D cards. then after 6 months, they just stopped cause he couldnt find the time.
so anyways, we dont buy presents for the 26th, but on our year, i got him a little something, just some new headphones that he could use for his ipod. so on friday, he comes in the door and says lets go watch the sunset, so im like okay, and go get dressed. on the way out the door, he heads towards his car, and im like "are we driving?" and hes like "no, i just have to grab something"/ so out he comes with this bag that says happy birthday....im like "its not my birthday", just playing around, and hes like "no, i know, its the only bag i had". im like "well whats it for?" cause we dont do presents. and he tells me "oh, its just a little something. you got me something for our one year..." so were walking./
now hes all dressed up cause he had a job interview in guelph before he came out..so on the walk up, im asking him how the interview went. and hes going on about how it went pretty good, they got along good. but how its a lower salary, so he wouldnt be able to afford to do renovations, how he wouldnt be able to afford a ring or how we cant get married for a long time....im all like okay....sweeet. wondering why hes telling me this when he already freaked out about marraige the weekend before.
so we get up the spot where we sti, like 2 seconds before this other couple, who told us they were going to sit there. so shane and i are sitting there, just talking about this and that. when suddenly hes like do you want your present now?!
im like, okay, sure. so he stands up and starts to get it ready. he pulls out the first part, and its the 7th month of cards....he keeps pulling out card after card....the entire 6 months that i was missing...all dated and all integrite and beautiful. fianlly, he hands me one that says september 26, 2008, and i ask him "what happened to last months?" and he replies " thats the 13th month...13 is an unlucky number"
so the september one is like a box, in the shape of a heart. so he tells me to open it, and hands me his ipod, telling me the song goes with the lyrics (that were suppossed to be printed on the inside of the box).....as soon as the music started, i started to cry...i had no idea what was going on, but it was all so overwhelming and romantic anyways. so the song is over and he tells me to open the box again, pull out this little sleeve. and sitting there is a little plastic ring. i thought itr was going to be like a promise ring or whatever, until i saw him getting down on one knee.... so obviously i said yes.
and my ring is amazing. designed by him, of course, lol. our initials are engraved in the band, with forever inbetween them. its amazing.
it was so romantic, and thoughful, i loved the entire set up of it.
i love him so much.
we're getting married~!
oh, i forgot to mention one thing, he didnt have an interview, he also didnt have a meeting with troy the week before, also i didnt need to go to the states with mom, that was all a ruse too...he just needed time to make all the cards and put everything together.
oh, and i made sure he had asked mam before i said yes. lol.
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
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3:27 pm
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what do i want?
do i want this relationship? when he doesnt seem to care. theres nothing exciting. everyday is the same. i try to spice it up once in a while. try to do something nice for him. suprise him with dinner, buy an outfit just for him. show up at his house unannounced just because i WANT to see him.... oh, and he does things for me allll the time. no he doesnt! coming to see me doesnt count! YOU SHOULD WANT TO COME SEE ME. it shouldnt be that its a special treat for me.
he says to stop talking about marraige. freaks out about it in fact. tells me that with all my joking about a ring, im putting pressure on him. huh. well wasnt it you who told me 3 months in that you wanted to marry me? i didnt bring that up. you did. and whenever we talk about marraige now, its that im, ME!, im not ready. meaning, that im not exactly what he wants me to be yet. do you have any idea how much that hurts? im never going to be exactly what or who you want. i just wont be. im me, and if you dont like that, then you dont like me. and you never will. if thats the way it is, then why are we together? you cant mold me into who you want me to be. you cant, and i wont. fuck you and fuck that.
the other day at the gas station, the women behind you was too close on your bumper for you to get out. and when you backed up, and she honked, you go to jump out of the car, and i stop you, and you yell at me, and shove me off like im a piece of shit? fuck you. if thats the way you want to treat me, then you can fuck off, because i dont care. im better then that. you dont get to spaz and treat me like shit. and expect that a single 'im sorry but dont grab me like that' is going to make it better.
im so so mad. i want to fuck off for a while and not talk to you, and then we'll see how you feel when it seems that you dont matter to me. that your nothing and that i can replace you in a single moment.
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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8:53 am
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"You forget the fact of spiritual encountars, which i and many others i know have encountered. I KNOW GOD EXISTS because i have seen him move in my life. How can you explain miracles then? who causes them? if we cry out to God in the middle of our termoil and recieve relief, how can you say there is no God?"
and if we cry out to god in the middle of our termoil and recieve nothing, how can you say there IS a god? and dont even start to tell me that god will not answer those who only seek his guidance in times of distress. i spent the first 20 years of my life believing in god, and trying to be a person he would accept into his arms with love. and yet, when for so long, i so faithfully saught his guidance and love, i felt nothing. when 3 close loved ones died seperately, within the same year, all without so much of a chance to set things right in THEIR lives, i kept my faith, saught guidence, and prayed for relief.
and dont you dare try to tell me that i must have gone wrong somewhere along the way. dont you dare. im the same person you are. no better and no less. after all, arent we all 'created as equals'?
the funny thing is, that thats not even when i lost my faith. i lost my faith 2 years later after visiting saint josephs oratory. seeing all the crutches that lined the walls from the suppossed miracles, made me realize that nothing in the world could have saved those 3 people. what made them such bad people? i'm not as angry for my loss as i am for theirs. why were their lives cut short? what did they do that they were punished so?
dont tell me that god called them home to heaven. because surely he never would have allowed them to leave what they left unfinished.
you've seen god work in your life, because you want to see him there.
'hey i just got an A when i thought i would get a C. Thanks for helping me God'
'i lost that dress mom bought for me, she's going to kill me. hey maybe i should look around one last time. under this pile of blankets? sure why not! oh! there it is! thaks for guiding me to the dress god'.
in any situation that god has supposedly helped you through, or in any way that you've seen him work through your life, can easily be discredited.
god works in mysterious ways? dont even get me started. remember that day...when was it? oh yeah. september 11th, 2001. al quida attacked the states, under claims that their god, allah, told them to kill all the infedels. that they would be rewarded in heaven for what they had done. in retaliation, Bush then sends american troops into iraq, in the name of god and country. who is right? both claim they have the support of god. both sides say god comes to them in dreams, or that they felt god tell them this was the thing to do. who is right?
you want to talk miracles? if god is so forgiving, and he just wants all his sons and daughters to live with him in heaven. if everything in this world is created and managed by god. then why, why why why would he cause tsunamis that kill hundres of thousands of people at a time? he got bored with the people that were already up there? was it punishment because he is unpleased?
why does he allow racial genocide to happen? natural disasters that kill hundreds of thousands. and tell me why, oh why, should a child be killed minutes after birth, simply because she is female.
you know what? you have a belief in god. i respect that. thats perfect. FOR YOU.
just dont preach to me that god is real, that he exists. dont even argue that your only trying to save our souls, so we can all party it up in heaven together.
because you know what? you're not saving us.
you're annoying us.
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| Friday, July 11th, 2008
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1:53 pm
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he's a real nowhere man
sitting in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
doesnt have a point of view.
knows not where hes going to.
isnt he a bit like you
and me?
nowhere man, please listen
you dont know what your missing
nowhere man, the world is at your command.
he's as blind as he can be
just sees what he wants to see
nowhere man, can you see me at all?
nowhere man, dont worry
take your time, dont hurry
leave it all
till someone else lends you a hand.
doesnt have a point of view
knows not where hes going to
isnt he a bit like you
and me?
nowhere man, please listen
you dont know what your missing
nowhere man,
the world is at your command.
he's a realy nowhere man
sitting in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
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12:11 am
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why am i always wrong?? and better yet, why do i always apologize for it??
so shane and i are on our way out to my house tonight. i wanted to get my hair cut. the plan was that we would go to sandys, get my hair cut, and go in the hot tub. then come back to my place to sleep. soo we're about to get on th highway, and i casually mention that i might come back into town tomorrow to go swimming at deans moms house.
(dean being the guy who lived in the basement, the one i did a shitload of drugs with, and slept with one time. once. nothing else ever happened. since i tell shane everything, ive told him that i slept with dean. dean is home from out east for like a week)
so shane gets mad and is like well then why am i even going out to you house. i have to work early and its a waste of gas to drive out to your house if your just going to come back into town tomorrow. so i tell him its not for sure that im coming in, and if your going to be so bent about it, then get off at guelph line and turn around. well he doesnt. he just keeps driving right past the exit. so we're driving and hes completely fine. i casually ask if he has his cigars. so he checks his pockets and doesnt have them, hes like they might be in the trunk. so we get to my house, open the trunk and his cigars arent there. he gets all pissed right then and there and is like im going home. so im like what the fuck and get pissed off. he goes home, me and mom go to sandys.
->when we get home, i call him, like i do every night. blah blah blah, chit chat. then im like so what was your problem tonight. he launches into it. its pointless for me to go all the way out there and waste gas and my time, i could have gone groccery shopping or cut the lawn, or whatever. its especially a waste of time if your just going to come back in tomorrow. plus tomorrow is one of my longest days and id have to leave your house so early. so i tell him straight up, it was a waste of time and gas to drive me all the way here then turn around and go back home. since your were already here why didnt you just stay, or at least come to sandys and go in the tub, then go home. he tells me he was pissed off. so im like so its all my fault apparently. and he tells me, yeah it is. so im quiet for a bit cause im pissed off, and he goes on about how im wrong, and that he doesnt like dean, and someting only happened once right (when i already told him that like 5 times not to mention that when he met dean tongiht, he thought dean was only the guy that i had done drugs with, and that the dean something happened with was a totally different guy. but i told shane right then and there) and that i can hang out with dean if i want, but im not allowed to bring dean over to his place, that its fine if nate does, but not me.
so essentially hes pissed off cause i hung out with dean today. and shane didnt know that it was THAT dean. are you fucking kidding me? do you control me? how many people do i not talk to, or hang out with cause something happened between us years ago. and i do it for shanes sake. i would never, NEVER have accepted that 2 years ago. some guy doesnt get to decide who i can or cant talk to. thats fucking bullshit. what about brandy? an old family friend of shanes. someone that hes slept with. but that deosnt matter, everythings fine and dandy. we're going to her cottage next month.
im always wrong. even when i know im not, and i always fucking apologize for it. because i love him so much that i cant stand it when we're fighting. im a big fucking pussy now, the old me never would have stood for this shit. im so mad at myself.
and at him for being so fucking controlling.
so the end of the phone call plays out like this. he asks dont i have anything to say? i tell him that theres so much i could say. and he tells me to say it. i say no, because im going to be wrong and anything i say hes just going to shrug off and cut down anyways. so he says fine, im just going to go to sleep then, in a pissed off voice. fine, i say, in an equally pissed off voice. not that i didnt expect him to say exactly that. like he always does.(how can we work through our problems if he always gives up and walks away. why should i be the one to put all the effort into this relationship.)
him: goodnight, love you. me: love you too. him: sweet dreams cutie....bye. me:bye. all said in monotone voices.
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| Monday, December 17th, 2007
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2:13 pm
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to see you when i wake up
is a gift i didn't think could be real.
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
you do something to me that i can't explain.
so would i be out of line if i said,
i miss you.
i see your picture, i smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
you have only been gone ten days, but already i'm wasting away.
i know i'll see you again
whether far or soon.
but i need you to know that i care
and i miss you.
if you're reading this, you're a jerk.
you're also in big trouble.
but know, that i love you. and i miss you whenever you're not with me.
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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3:24 pm
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so. now your not there.
but your ghost,
still burns in the air
and finally
above us, the waves
have come
to take you away.
and with this song
i'll say goodbye
and thank you for
what you've done to my life
and finally
i'll say it with love
i hope you're at rest
in the stars above.
and i dont understand what you died for
you still could have given so much more
even though you are something i could never be
all i know you're still watching over me
and now
and now
but now
now
now i know.
RIP Kyle Anthony Saliba
December 23rd 1985 - July 11th 2005
love.
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| Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
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5:50 pm - grand bend.
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now. to this past weekend.
i've been hanign out with irish claire alot lately. and i ended up going to grand bend with her, heather, robin, and this old guy gordon. we got there about 5ish. checked into the hotel, and went straight to the beach. the first thing we notcied at the hotel was that right at the top of the stairs there was like a room full of guys. of course, the girls all got excited. but we wanted to go swimming, so down we went. for some stupid reason i only put my bikini top on, and left my shorts on. so we got the the beach and obviously we all go straight for the water. i ended up taking my shorts off and just being in my gitches. lol. we started playing catch with my shorts rolled up into a ball. now my shorts are big enough to begin with, but when they're wet, apparently i have to hold them up. so walking down the street back to the to hotel, we stopped for a drink and some food. im soaked, just wearing my bikini top, holding my shorts up. when we got back to the hotel, we went into the guys room to say hi. there was like 12 of them. and apparently as we were leaving, one of the guys said "hey black bra top girl, im going to eat you out later" (he was talking about me) lol! i didnt hear it, but heather told me he had said it. too funny. ended up just putting my ripped jeans back on and leaving my bikini top on. wandered around the floor, talkign to the guys and drinking beers. everyones like "what does your side say??" as usual, lol.
so heather slept with the guy in the room next to ours, like an hour and half after we had gotten back. then claire soon followed suit with one of the other guys. we got ready for the bar, showered and shit. then just kept drinking. this sounds so....cocky i guess. like im full of myself, but its true. pretty much all the guys wanted to sleep with me. i was the youngest, and had the best body, so by default it was me. it felt really good actually, to be the one that all the guys wanted to be with. i had the power. so anyways, they're all shameless flirting with me. even the guy who heather had slept with. im like un uhn. you got to be kidding me. i only remember one of the guys name cause it was fucked. (rightus) but other then that. meh. they kept being like this is so and so, and this is so and so. so i told them. seriously, it doesnt matter what your names are, im never going to see you again, and i dont really care to learn/make an effort to remember like 12 guys names. so fuck it. lol. they're like, i like your attitude. hey man. i just tell it like it is. green shirt guy kissed me before we left. shitty shitty kisser. let me tell you. so i played it off and walked away. anyways. oh! almost forgot to tell you about yellow shirt guy. mmmm. if i could have chossen anyone, it would have been him., so anyways, he comes searching down the hall, just wandering. he stops at our room, looks in and sees robins aftersun care cream sitting there. hes like oh, can i use that i got burned today. im like go right ahead. so he takes off his shirt and starts rubbing the cream onto his beautiful body. robins walks in and hr jaw just drops, lol. hes like i hope you dont mind me using your cream. me and robin are both like...no no, we dont mind at all. lol. made complete fools of ourselves. but i think thats why he took his shirt off in the first place.
so we went to the bar at like 12ish. not my scene. all the girls were dancing. and i dont dance. i was kinda dancing, but i hate it. danced with green shirt guy for like 2 seconds. (can i just say that all of this shit with green shirt guy was only cause he was the most forward. i dont even remember what he looked like. but i know he wasnt that great looking) but im not going to just stand there by the wall by myself right? so i asked robin for the key at like 12:45 and told them i'd see them when they came back. i knew they'd be back like right after last call, cause the bar was litterely right next to the hotel.
so i go upstairs, talked on the phone for a bit. like a minute after i get off the phone, theres a knock at the door. its green shirt guy. apparently he asked the girls where i was, they told him, so he came to find me. basically. he kept trying to take my clothes off. i didnt want to sleep with him. but was still fooling around a little bit. he got naked, i didnt. he got mad, accused me of having a bf, treated me like a little kid, then left. on no wait. before he left he said if you gave me 2 minutes with my hands, it would be the best youve ever had. im like your a cokcy cocky mother fucker,. whatever. i kinda felt like a tease. but at the same time. whatever. im never going to see him again. i should have just told him i wasnt interested. so after a couple, other people started showing up. black top guy (the one who made the comment about me) came in and sat down. he had sobered up a bit. i actually liked him. he was really cool. the more i think about it now, i should have slept with him. would have been a good choice, and oh so ironic. lol.
there was more drama. but meh. a couple of the other guys made last ditch attempts to get me interested (i.e. will you tuck me in??) but last i walked past there room, the door was shut and there was chicks voices coming from it as well as the guys. so i guess they found some other whores. i just hope green shirt guy ended up with completely blue balls that night.
next day we got up around 10, left for the beach about 10:30, as we were leaving, i saw black top guy leaning in the door of our neighbours room, i just threw him the peace and didnt look back. same for yellow shirt guy outside in the parking lot, but i saw him give me a wave.
spent the day on the beach, got burned to shit.
and that concludes my first grand bend expierence.
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5:43 pm
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first. i'll start with my trip to the east coast.
on june 16th, at 7 am, i flew out to montreal to meet AM. we drove straight out to bathurst. got there about 5ish. we're not really sure what time we got there, cause our clocks changed, and we cant remember after spending a full day in the car. we ate some food, went to the beach and met up with AM's friend JM. we ended up staying in a cabin on his property. it was nice actually. since we didnt have to pay for camping or anything. basically the entire week was spent drinking, visting billets, and our work placements. we went to the salvation army like 12 times, im not even kidding. i got to see sherri before she moved to florida. only saw her for a couple hours. but it was still good to see her.. saw margie, but it was the same as when i lived there. she was crazy busy, so i talked to her in between lessons, and camp, and ra, ra, ra. lol. the last night we were there, JM was supposed to call us, but he never did. so we made friends and ended up drinking beside a river in the middle of nowhere. JM and his friend ended up walking us up at like 3:30am, only an hour after we had gone to bed. they stayed for a while. i made out with the friend; i dont remember/know his name. it doesnt matter what it was tho. whatever. JM is a prick. just a cocky asshole who wanted to get laid.
AM and i still had a good week tho. we left bathurst on the thursday, stopped in Quebec to see Gui. then stayed at her house that night. friday the 22nd, my flight wasnt until 6, so we just spent the day shopping and such.
it was good to see both AM and gui....so weird to be back in bathurst tho.
lol. so thats pretty much the general gist of it all.
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| Monday, July 2nd, 2007
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6:44 pm - may 11-26th.
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so i went to europe with my mam. i quit brydens on the wednesday. and we left on the friday. our flight was at 11:50 pm. and we got to london, england at around noon on saturday. i dont suggest ever taking this flight. it sucked. was so much harder to get used to the time difference. so anyways we got there, explored downtown london. was supposed to meet austen at trafalgar square at 5. but he thought it was 4 so we missed each other. he called me on saturday night to come out drinking with them. had to take the tube. but i didnt understand the money. i asked for help from the underground workers but they were useless. so i got upset and went back up to the hotel. austen called the next day, and i told him i went the wrong way. let him think im an idiot that way. so i met up with him and arn on sunday. we spent the day together, wandering around. we met mam at the maple leaf, a canadian pub, to watch the sens game. it was good. austen and i made a bet that whenever the sens scored he bought me a jagerbomb, and when the sabres scored, i bought him one. sens won. drank like 7 bombs. was a good night all around.
we stayed in london until wednesday, at which point we flew to dublin. stayed in dublin until friday, then took the train up to sligo. sligo is where my grandfather is from. so we got his birth certificate, which was actually really easy. and only cost 10 euros. stayed in sligo for the weekend. left on the sunday. came back to dublin for 2 days, and left on the tuesday.
we flew to scotland, into edinburgh. out hotel room was amazing. so big, even had seperate chairs and a table for like a little sitting area. the bathroom was bigger then robertsons main one. so crazy. and it was right on the main street, so we had an amazing view of old edinburgh. we were in scotland until thursday. we took the train back down to london, which was nice. it was about 4 hours. but it was nice scenery.
when we got back to london, we went to the hotel and just stayed in. the friday we met up with z'aimah and went to abbey road. SO COOL! the wall outside/surrounding the studio is covered in homages and lyrics and poems to the beatles. so i rote something as well. and mam wrote her ringo poem from 1964. it wont be there for long thp. too many people write on the wall, so they whitewash it every couple of months. we took pictures walking across the street. then we did some shopping, ate some food and said goodbye.
the next day, the saturday we left for home. we saton the tarmac for 2.5 hours because the radar was fucked up. then we had an 8 hour flight. was dead tired when we got home. thats it condensed! if you want a full version. read the europe journal. lol
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
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12:44 am
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have you ever thought that it could be so much deeper then that? that i dont know what i want, that i dont want to make decisions regarding my life because i dont want the life to begin with? that every time i drive home somewhere in the dark, that i think about just driving off the highway, or off the back country road, and that no one would know just how much of a coward i really am? that they could believe that i just fell asleep at the wheel.
unsent messge to ryan.
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| Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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7:42 pm - goodbye! i wont miss you!
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you started it all. now dont you think i should finish it?
i do, i do.
give me that one last look
and i'll give you your final goodbye
a solid punch right between those beautiful eyes.
i should have thrown my drink in your face when i had the chance. damn.
so bouncer hasnt talked to me since the whole 'come over so i can fuck you over' dealio. in fact i hadnt even seen him. until that is, this past weekend. i saw him at the bar on saturday night and didnt even say hi. meh, whatever. the next day tho, him and em came into the bar, had some breakfast, ra, ra, ra. asshole doesnt even look at me. cant even make mother fucking eye contact. such a prick. so i ran the scenario over in my hear. and heres what should have gone down.
i walk up to him, throw my drink in his face and say:
you deserve that, and you know you do. and if you dont know that, then i should kick you in the balls right now. cause you dont deserve to have children. know why? cause your kids would grow up to be just as fucked up and ignorant as you are.
damn that would have been good. fuck.
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| Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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10:08 pm
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| Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
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4:09 pm
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i forgot to tell you about the dream i had. i dreamt of kyle. and i choose to believe that he sends me these dreams. especially after the first one.
( it was about a week or so after he passed. i dreamt i was walking through a field or something, and i stumbled upon this basketball court, where lots of people were playing. i knew at once that they were all people who had died. somehow i found kyle, and we walked to a picnic bench and started talking. i was crying because he was gone, but he was telling me not to. i asked him what happened, and i remember the entire conversation so vividly. he told me, and i can hear him say it in my head, with his own voice. he said "oh man, it was so stupid. i tried to jump on the train but i slipped and hit my head. im so mad at myself, it was so stupid" i was still crying and i told him we all missed him so much and loved him so much, and he gave me a hug and said " i know. but you'll see me again" )
the one last night is blurrier. we were in a barn, sitting on a railing. he was wearing a bright blue shirt, and i think he brought me flowers. i know we talked, but i dont remember what we talked about, but i know it was him. i wish i could remember what he said.
i woke up and ex-boyfriend said i was breathing really weirdly right before i woke up...i told him i was dreaming about kyle. so maybe i was breathing weird because i was dreaming of kyle? who knows. i just hope he keeps sending me dreams. i love you kyle.
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3:35 pm
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okay so. bouncer is a fucking asshole. so not this past weekend, but the weekend before that, i set it up so i could stay at his house. whether it was in his bed or on the couch, i didnt care. i just didnt want to stay at jeffs again. im not gonna lie, i wouldnt havent minded staying in his bed, but whatever. i was staying there. so im drinking, having a good time, until i get a text at like 1:45 am. its from bouncer and he says no go tonight, all the boys are staying at my place, sorry. im like you have got to be fucking kidding me. its quarter to 2 in the morning, and you'll telling me this now?? so luckily adam was still there and i was like yo...can i crash on your couch? no problems there. but man, adam was litterly on his way out the door. 2 minutes later and i would have been fucked. so fast forward to the next weekend (the one that just passed). i havent talked to bouncer all week. and bestfriend is home! so good. i worked saturday, then i went to bestfriends house; we drank there for a bit, then headed down to the bar. we got drunk. not as drunk as we could have been mind you, considering i spent $100 on staff drinks (lol, oops) so bouncer is there. drinking, let me re-phrase that, drunk. he fucks with me again. why am i so gulliable. ignores me most of the night until we're drinking after hours. so around 4 bestfriend and i head back to her house. stupid drunk me, i send bouncer a message saying your so bad...even now im tempted to come back there, even tho i know you're so bad for me. so hes like come. i asked him if he had money i could borrow for the cab since i had spent every dollar i had at the bar. hes like yeah, no worries, and gives me his address. so after making sure with bestfriend, about a million times, that shes not going to hate me for leaving, i get in the cab. when i get outside bouncers house, i call him. no answer, call again, no answer. tell the cabbie to take me to the bank, take out money, and tell him to leave me there. call bouncer again, text him, no answer. knock on his fucking door, nothing. i am such an idiot. im now stuck in the fucking cold early morning, i just left the place i was supposed to stay at. like who the fuck does this boy think he is? to treat me like that? i mean thats pretty fucking low considering he knows i dont live in town, and i didnt have any money. i called like 3 people, and couldnt get a hold of anyone. i ended up going to ex-boyfriends house. wow. so awkward. hes asking where i was, why im not with bestfriend. and i obviously cant tell him that ive just come from getting fucked over by bouncer, and his was the only place i could think of to go. bouncer is a fucking prick! i never thought he could be that much of an asshole. oh my, how i love these suprises. fuck him.
so now, we'll talk about whats going on with ex-boyfriend. i dont know. feelings are still there. but its not enough, i know that now. he spent the night here last night...nothing happened..well nothing huge. we kissed, cuddled, slept in the same bed. i wasnt sure before. after i stayed at his house on saturday, i went to talk to him on monday, about whats going on with us. we didnt really come to a conclusion. just decided that we're not back together, but that we can see each other when we want to and that i can stay the night when i want to. but man. after last night, its not going to work. i need to get fucked, but man...thats not going to help. at all. its done and over with. and im an idiot for thinking it could some how not be. but i know it is. but how do i tell him that now? after whats happened in the last week or so? hes going to hate me even more then he did before. its like im giving him false hope, but im not meaning to do this. not at all. i just wasnt sure. but i am now. fuck me. FUCK ME!
my entire life is trouble.
(p.s....i applied to GB for the pre-interpreting program.....i had to take an english assessment test cause i didnt meet the admission requirements. so now im just waiting to hear wethere or not im going to school in the fall. im really nervous. i'll keep you posted)
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| Thursday, February 1st, 2007
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9:56 pm
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yeap. me and ryan broke up. we broke up about...3 weeks ago this sunday...so prolly right after i wrote that last message. i saw him yesterday, i stopped by his house to return his key. he was so hostile to me. i dont even remember the things he said exactly, just that it was mean and made me cry. then i got an email from him today that said he still loves me. and that its tearing him up to know that we're not together. then he said it hurts to know that even right this minute you could be with some other guy. and if i knew that guy i dont know what i would do. well. he does know that guy. im not with him, and i dont know whats going on withhim, but its the bouncer from the bar. last friday, he was shitfaced, and called me to come see him. im not even kidding when i say he called like 6 times and texted me like 6 times until i agreed to come see him. this was even before 4am. not even an hour after we'd left the bar. so i went to see him. he was so drunk, i kissed him..hung out with him for a bit, then left and went back to watsons house, cause i was hanging out with watson, and couldnt just ditch him all night to hang out with some guy, even tho i really, really wanted to stay with bouncer. then saturday i stayed at bouncers house, in his bed. kissing and cuddiling with him. but i didnt sleep with him. i want to, but im not sure im ready for it. and now he'e being all weird and not really talking to me. sometimes i think its only because he wanted to sleep with me. but other times i think its because he doesnt know what i want. (for example on sat night i told ppl i was staying at a buddies house. cause a) i didnt know if bouncer wanted ppl to know i was staying with him and b) because everyone at the bar and in our small little town has big mouths and i dont want to hurt ryan.) i dont know i just dont know. i dont really have any friends. val comes home next weekend, so hopefully that will lift my spirits. i wish that so much. but right now i find myself drifting back to old times. why is it that everytime something happens to me, i start to sink again? maybe its because its what i was used to for way too long. when i drive my sister home, there's this one pole on the way back that im always tempted, even if just for a fleeting second, to let the car just veer off the road and smack in to it. but i cant. it would be so easy, it could be called an accident, and then i wouldnt forever be known as a coward. mam wouldnt feel guilty for the rest of her life for not being able to help me, to see through it all. but fuck it all, i cant hurt mam like that. its the only thing that holds me back.
so i guess in truth, im a coward either way.
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| Sunday, January 14th, 2007
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5:41 pm
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soo...me and ryan are pretty much in the process of breaking up. theres so much shit to be said about this. we've been dating for.... a year and 4 months. right now im not sure what i want. i should revise my previous statement. its not that we're breaking up, its that im breaking up with him. things just arent the same. and i find my mind wandering away more often. like before if i saw a guy that was cute id appreciate him..and that would be it, my mind would move on. nowadays, no dice. i have a crush on one of the bouncers at the bar. and instead of moving on, i find myself thinking about what it would be like if we got together. like i do to sleep thinking about that while im laying next to ryan. eveyone keeps saying maybe we should jsut take a break, but seriously, how horrible is that? lets take a break so i can figure out if i still want to be with you or not. but at the same time, i dont want to break up with him then realize a month down the road that im an idiot and really wanted to be with him the entire time. but i dont think thats the actual case. i think im done with it. i still love him and will, but i dont want to be in a relationship with him anymore. i think whats holding me back is that i dont want to have to tell him and hurt him like that. when we've talked about it before its been like this. me: im not sure what i want anymore. i dont know if i still want this relationship him: well i know what i want, i still want to be with you. and then it bascially ends. but just because thats what he wants, doesnt mean we can continue doing this. if im not happy anymore then why am i still in this thing? sounds bad, but truthfully? i need somewhere to stay sometimes. thats pretty much it. so horrible. so true. another thing is that i was gone for 8 months. he trhew in my face that he waited for me. and thats going to be a huge thing if we break up cause hes going to be like well why the fuck did i waste 8 months of my life waiting for a girl and its not even lasting?? but if you think about it. if i hadnt gone away, maybe we would have broken up 8 moths ago..you know? like maybe i would have been thinking this so long ago, but didnt cause i was gone, maybe we would have already broken up by now. who knows.
all i want is to remain freinds with him. im still friends with and talk to on a regular basis, all my exs. and i want it to stay that way. but for some reason, i have a feeling that with him, its just not going to go down like that.
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| Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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11:58 pm
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there's 12 days left in exactly 2 minutes. 12 days has never felt like it could be so long. it seems as though i am in a permanent quiet mood these days. im tired of the tirvial bullshit that doesnt even matter. i stay quiet because there is no point in talking anyways. most of the talk around here is gossip...he said this, or she said that. blah blah blah. does it really even matter people? to talk is pointless. people listen, but they dont actually listen. they hear it, but it doesnt stay with them...nothing you say ever has any thought given to it by the person you say it to. its like you said it, but it was carried away by the wind. melissa listens, but really. why even bother? not because of her, but because of me. anything i feel doesnt matter anyways. why trouble her with what i think about? why bitch? what good does it do in the long run? it doesnt even really make me feel better. its better to write things like this. then i know its here. then i can come back and read it again and again. as many times as i would like. it doesnt get lost. what i say doesnt just disappear into oblivion.
halifax this weekend. im excited, i get to see dale. i can disappear with him for a while. just me and him. away from the group. a good hour at least with nothing katimavik related. this excites me beyond comprehension.
i went for a walk tonight...just myself and my music...i think i need to do this more often. just to leave the house for a while....where i can think all i want, with no-one thinking im mad, or upset, or being stupid because i dont feel like talking about nothing at all. im so close, but its almost as though im ready to quit...im just that tired. not neccisarily physical, so much as mentally and emotionally. im just so ready to go home.
12 days is forever.
current mood:  drained
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| Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
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9:44 pm
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seriously...if you dont want to gain weight. STOP EATING SO FUCKING MUCH! the excersizes you do every night do nothing for you, counting calories is no way for an 18 year old to live, low fat diet shit? you're just fooling yoursevles. want to know why? cause you eat too much.
stop. shoving. food. down. your. throat.
cause i dont want to hear you bitch about how much weight you've gained...how flabby your stomach is. all that shit. its not a competition between the of you. just shut the fuck up, cause i dont want to hear it.
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| Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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6:11 pm - howd you like to learn how you should live your life?
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fuck the vatican. im sorry to offend any of you who may happen upon this, who still have a believe. but i lost my spirituality after some self-relevations. and then reading an article today on how the catholic church condems homosexuality, adoption, any form of contreception, as well as artificial insemination.
("Couples made up of homosexuals claim similar rights to those reserved to husband and wife; they even claim the right to adoption. Women who live a lesbian union claim similar rights, demanding laws which give them access to hetero fertilization or embryo implantation. Moreover it is claimed that the help of the law to form these unusual couples goes hand in hand with the help to divorce and repudiate,'' the document said.
"Abortion and infanticide show the absence of efficient juridical protection for the conceived,''
"Such practices in fact constitute a violation of the fundamental right to life which is the right of every human being from the moment of conception.'')
religion is bullshit.
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