Dan Kwasny's journal

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Thursday, April 16th, 2009
12:57 am - Yeah thats right... IIIII'mmm BAAAAACCK
Oh the memories of this journal... /sigh

and on that note... I need a beer... :)

current mood: blah

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
2:51 pm - The Ending
So this journal ends....and moves to another name....my business and thoughts no longer belong in your hands.......

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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
1:19 am - Yet again another post decated to The All Mighty Sarah
I woke up this morning at like 8:30am played Tales of Syphonia for Game Cube (my new game i bought the other day and it just released) till like 10am then I had to take my mother to a doctors apointment. Then after that I went to my eye doctors and made a apointment for Friday morning at 11 to get my new glasses (frames and all). I went home after that...got on my computer...got the news from skip that Charles made out with Jill. Talked to people online till i had to leave for work at 1pm....got to Lowes at 1:30pm....i actaully work 3 hours straight...moving these plants here and there and adding new plants.....i get a call from skip at work....he was in the area so i told him to meet me up at work....then i talked with clare about kidnaping skippy and being with him for the rest of the day.....then around 4pm my cell dies.....i work alittle till 5.....goto my truck ...i take a 45 min nap....I walk back into work an find skippy...then i got off at 6pm...after work me and skip went to the mall and bought nun chucks (for me) and a bo staff (for skip)....then we headed to the libriary look up some martial arts books...rented some kung-fu movies....Then we went back to my house....when i got home i had to take the car in to the dealership to get it fixed...basicly dropping it off and going straight home..so i did....got home at 9:30....Clare, Mo, Skip and I went to kartels but didnt actaully go IN kartels till later and after skiippy left (he was getting tired)..then Clare, Mo and I went IN kartels for about a hours...then left and Mo took my home becuase I didnt drive....and now im sitting here typing away.......that was my day.......I'm to tired to write about my throughts about a few things that happen today...ill write more tomrrow......good night

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
4:35 pm - C:\Journal.dir\Clare.txt, Work.txt, Gaming.txt, Lifeingeneral.txt, Sarahandjill.txt
Clare.txt

Alot has been going on lately with me in the past few weeks. Clare and I are hitting it off pretty good. Taking things slow feels soo good. I love this feeling. This feelin reminds me of when i first started dating from the beginning like 4 yrs ago. It's a weird but good feeling. Nothings labeled yet but I'm waiting till she feels for confortable with me. Thats how I'm handling things with Clare...everything we do...i make sure shes confortable first before i do anything. She's never been involved with anyone like this so i hear and becuase of that fact I'm going to respect her for who she is...if she doesnt want to do something....i wont do it...if she does...ill do it. I'm being extra carefull about things this time if anything happens.

Work.txt

I hate fucking work. It drives me nuts. I go into work and the managers arnt working at all. So there for i cant get my time sheet signed and theres no proof that i worked that day at all. Started July 5th my hours were cut...again....to 10 a week but this week i still get 20 becuase the other guy i work with John is on vacation and im getting his hours. So I'm pretty soon im gonna be looking for another job. Hopefully a computer repair job or something computer/ gaming related.

Oh and another thing...if any of you fuckers come walking in Lowes and ask me to move stone into your truck or car...so "god" hell you ill ring your fucking neck and burn your face!....fucking old people...shouldnt you be at home watching Jeopardy or some bull shit...your old....die!...clearly it says VENDOR in my vest...not lowes....

Gaming.txt

I am so dissapointed in myself lol...i dont game as much as i used to. I'm not the hardcore gamer i used to be...now when I sit here. All i do is listen to music...and stare into space...or talk to people...and well ...write in my journal now. The only time i want to game is durning LAN partys. Gaming is boring when im sittin here by myself...But i so want to get back into EverQuest again..and finally focus on my character and get him atleast level 50+ till Worlds of WarCraft comes out. Which now the release date for that game is now TBA To Be Annouced. Blizzard sucks with their release dates.

I can't wait for Sims 2 to release...Thats going to be hours apon hours of addicting fun.

Lifeingeneral.txt

Well now since i got all my computer shit updated i can now same up for a car and a apartment and hopefully move out in the next month or 2...but with my hours of my job i dont see that happenin in a month for 2...but im going to try my best...i really want to move out ad be free...have get together in my apartment everyday...that would be awesome...lan partys / movies / drunking get togethers...fun time for all...

SarahandJill.txt

Well Jill and Sarah I wrote in my journal lol..I know its been awhile...and now you have something to read

current mood: good
current music: Rage Against The Machine - Calm like a bomb

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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
9:44 pm - The thought
The trouble of wanting something is the fear of losing it, or never getting it. The thought makes you weak....I couldnt get her out of my head

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3:43 am - The End of the day
Its 3:45am and I'm not even tired...my mind is so clouded with loneliness....i dont want sex...or anything along those lines ar all what so ever...its loving someone...being around clare...and knowing i COULD spoon with her...i couldnt...somethings telling me i cant...and its making me depressed...i dont know what it is...i want to so badly...I need another bonfire...or a get together with friends and drink..ive enter this world....and now i like it lol....clare wants to as well...and i know everyone else doesnt...Jill told me I look more happy with myself...im alot better than how i was...becuase im more social and im not afraid of meeting new people anymore...like how i was...im less afraid...but inside....im lonely... and it sucks royally...oh well...Its great that i have friends like these to hang around with now....Tom, Charles, Sarah H, Jill, Skip, Amanda, Sara and Clare ...awesome people...i love it

current mood: sad
current music: Linkin Park

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3:42 am - Somewhere I Belong
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

current mood: sad
current music: Linkin Park

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
11:01 pm - A get together at my house....to watch movies
Well everyone in my livin room watching office space ( jill, amanda, clare, kurt, rod, tom, charles and Sarah H)...im sitting at my comp all fucking depressed and lonely as all hell...I think i need a vacation to myself....a week or 2 to myself...just me...and maybe some LAN parties like the old times...I just got the news that clare doesnt me in that kinda way...and all that crap at the bonfire was just drunkin ill do it cuase i can and it feels good...nothing really to it...so im pretty bummed....of fucking well...back to my crazy fucking lonely ass self................................i wanna run away.........thats how i feel like right now....this sucks....but what really sux is that simms left Charles in North Olmsted by himself....just took off....so he called and we picked him up......loneliness FUCKING SUCKS ASS!....i feel more alive when im loving someone....now i feel like shit becuase i have so much love to give away....i have a intrest in someone BUT IT WONT HAPPEN....EVER....OR ANYTHING AT ALL.....god i feel terrible............

current mood: depressed

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Monday, June 14th, 2004
10:44 am - Dan Kwasny 5.0 stronger, wiser, faster, ...and social
Well I'm over Vanessa but i still miss like everyone else...being with Vanessa ive gained a shit load of social skills...I'm no longer afraid of meeting and talking to new people anymore...my friends just multiplied by 3...I hardly ever play video games anymore...I'm always outside or with my friends...The only thing that kills me through all this...im lonely and depressed...not becuase im missing or worried about someone....not anymore...thats completly over with now...I'm so glad all that Christen shit is over with now. It's done...and now i feel so free...I have changed...and I'm very happy about that...but i still love my video games lol...

Past week for so i been really liking Clare...Its been bothering me alot...Can i like Clare?...is it right to do so?...You see shes sorta Vanessa's friend...and there are rules i like to go by very very strongly.. and thats dating your ex's friends...but i talked about it with Jill and Sarah H (close friends of Vanessa's) and they basicly said Vanessa wants you to get over her so its fine...and Clare isnt really one of those friends of Vanessa's...shes friends but shes more of Amanda's friend....and they said it was cool to like clare...jill told me i should go for it...that made me very happy at the time...Amanda doesnt want to get in the middle of it...becuase i keep coming to her for info and such...she knows clare more than anyone i know but i dont know...I guess im on my own for this one IF i try anything...im debating weither or not i should...I'm thinking to much of it ...and its clouding my head...this morning when i woke...pictures of clare were flashing in my head over and over again...one after another...this is my blurty and i type everything i think about....at the end of sarahs bonfire when we were all falling asleep in the tent...Clare and I were cuddling....well spooning....sometime during the night....clare and I were holding hands....i paniced...like whoa is this really happening!?....prolly a few hours past of falling sleep...i turn my back so my back was facing her....she turns and spoons with me...putting her arm around me...holding my hand....now i was a bit tipsy...and she was drunk....so maybe this happen becuase of that...i dont like to think so...and i dont have the ballz to talk to clare about it or anything...last night we had a movie night at sarah damos....i left very early becuase i felt lonely and this stuff has been bothering me...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!?....so i was off to get some sobe and candy (becuase i need candy its a responsibility lol). So i headed over Walgreens...i went to talk with clare about something...but eh...didnt happen..she seems kinda worried about me...and wanted to know what was wrong...i came in not to happy...i told her i left sarahs early...i didnt feel like staying...im lkinda out of it...and that was it...i said good bye when i left...and went home with my wonder sobe and candy....got home...and fell asleep filled with sadness...i dont know what to do....im lost....and now im off to work 12-4 ...yay.....fun....talk to you later

current mood: blank
current music: Final Fantasy 7 OST

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Sunday, June 6th, 2004
1:13 pm - Christen's Graduation Party 1
Yesterday I went to work at like 8am-12pm. After work I went home and packed up my computer because skip is having a weekend LAN party. I stayed there till like 4pm. I went to Christen’s graduation party. When I got there the only people there were her family and her friend Sam (someone I graduated with). I went into the back where the party took place. Sat down next to Sam and Christen next to Sam on the other side of him. I talked with Sam a few with Christen ignoring me totally. Never once did Christen stare me in the eye and actually say a single sentence to me directly. Little Gary was the only one who actually talked to me there. Her mom kind of did (I like her mom she’s awesome, doesn’t give off any rude vibes or anything along those lines, very nice). Her dad made me feel unwelcome ignoring me like Christen did, greeting me of course but never once made eye contact really. The rest of her family said their hello’s and how you been and such. Being around such people and such a place of memories again made me start missing Christen and her family again a lot. Being lonely and your ex making you get over her while she’s in Florida doing whatever kind of makes you start missing your past before her extremely sadly( Hey, I tried ever so hard to make it happen with her but I guess I have no other choice). At the party no one was really showing (Christens friends that is) so I asked if I could invite Skip and Charles to come along. So I did (they were at the LAN and I bet they were hungry so I invited them). 2 hours pass while they were there and they left back to the LAN. So again I’m alone around Christens family a person I’m not really friends with. I been trying but I think its time to give it all up but I paid my respect. I gave her a card with fucking 50 bucks in it that was MY OWN MONEY and I showed to her party…hopefully Christen will call me or talk to me one day and want to go out to lunch or dinner some day and talk…but I highly….highly doubt….I even doubt ill personally get a thank you from her….but eh oh well….I’m trying my best to be friends with her…and that’s it…. I have to go to work so ill write more later…

current mood: depressed
current music: Eddy Morphy - Party all the time

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Saturday, June 5th, 2004
9:45 pm - C:\Work.txt, Christen.txt\
I headed off to work here in a few. Prolly going to stay for like 2 hours....go home and game....then im going to Christens graduation party around 3ish. The update on this is that Christens parents thought it was nice to invite me...Christen doesnt really want me to go...but women are fucking evil and she could be tricksy...she prolly wants me to go becuase she misses me or something along those lines...or shes going to use me and my family for money...i wont be staying long...if i dont feel welcome...ill leave asap...ill prolly stay for a good 45 mins....if everything goes well (ill know a few people there) ill stay for another 2 hours or so...or wait till my rents get there around 7ish. Then after that...im prolly going to head over to skips and lan for a few....then to Nicks graduation party for like an hour....then im going to kartels or something....today i think is going to be an emotional day....headed back to a house of memories...facing IT...i hope nothing bad happens...

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
3:03 am - Out of fucking no where
Christen just invited me to her graduation party saturday out of no where...im surpised...maybe the women is coming to her sences and realizing that i been nothing but nice to her and shes been nothing but mean...dont know...or maybe its a trick...women are evil...ill give her cards and money from my family and after she will be evil onces again....but we'll see..im being smart about this

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Sunday, May 30th, 2004
3:06 pm
I getting over Vanessa...im going back into my gaming phase again where i just sit here and play or goto LAN parties. I'm very excited that Vanessa is having great fun down there...but im getting to the point where I dont want to hear about it anymore because shes with Dave all the time. She decided to tell me right before i got into work that she got drunk blah blah, her roommate already got kicked out of pleasure island (who fucking cares), and at the end of all this talk about getting drunk...it was at Daves place...WTF...I DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS SHIT...so im getting to the point where i dont want to talk to her sadly...i mean i care greatly about her..im here for her and all but do you really think !I! should be hearing about this and throwing Dave in the mix...no ....fuck no...she just doesnt understand......and over all the talk she told me about how (when she was here) she wasnt going out with dave (so she says) and she isnt going to be around him when shes there...which is total BULLSHIT...i dont want to be mean to her at all...i hope i dont show any signs...i dont mean to...but i do make our convos short sadly...like ill say i have to go or something...i dont understand her...grrrr

but anyway....Jeremy and Kurt graduated yesturday...so jeremy hosted a lan party at his house....there was Tom, Colin, Roger, Rod, Kurt, Ben, Brandon, Jeremy, Me, Issac, Skip, and Kevin....it was awesome...but we didnt game as much....no one likes Wc3 besides me, rod, roger, Kurt, issac, and Tom...and it took like a hour after each game to make another and actaully play....so i left around 12:30 i think...i wanted to go home and play a little EQ (yes sadly im playing that fucking game again...but its awesome) and goto sleep....i wanted to sleep in alittle cause i had to goto work....and i do again Today at around 12ish....so the lan was great fun...it just needs to be smaller...and we need to install what we are going to fucking play before hand next time so everyone is rdy.....

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
2:07 am - MMORPG and Console gaming time kids!....IM BACK!!!
I'm offically in gaming mode.....its coming back to me slowly..this feels soo good....im getting back to normal...ROCK!

current mood: good
current music: 311 - Creatures

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Monday, May 24th, 2004
4:39 pm - To never fall inlove again....
So Vanessa very cleary again told me to start getting over her. Which i wasnt to happy about...i wasnt pissed...just sad...After that talk...i dont think ill be talking to Vanessa for a long times...prolly not anymore...but i dont know...theres nothing going to stop me from missing that women...but i do have to get over here...i dont think we will ever get back together...but it would be nice if we did again...but anyway...ive learned from this experience that when i start dating again...im not going to get so attached or try to get into a deep relationship...like i wanted to with Vanessa...oh well...tonight me and rod went of sara's house for a few ...then we left for LAKE ERIE...at the place we can vanessa went to on her b-day....i made rod stand on the ground were vanessa and i made love on...it was soo funny...walking around on that beach made me think of vanessa so much..but as soon as i thought about it...i tried to get my mind off it...and it didnt work...so it got my sad..walking around with style...i tried jumping over a bench but i hit my knee on the corner of it...and it fuck me up ....i hurts so badly still....so after hanging out at lake erie with amanda , one of sara's friends, sara and rod we went back to sara's house ...sat around...then off to dennys to do the same till like 2:30 am....and now im home...talking with sara online....and in pain ...my knee hurts lol....im done blogging..ill blog later

current mood: IN PAIN!
current music: Lost Prophets - Last train home

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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
11:02 pm - Trying to move on....but its going to take me awhile....a long while....thanks
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

current mood: depressed

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1:07 pm - The Bad News....
Well Vanessa called me...and read my journal ...and told me to stop getting depressed and start getting over her...yeah i dont even want to write right now...im going to cry myself to sleep now...thanks

current mood: very depressed

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12:29 am - Kartels...and Sara's house
at around 10 me and rod went to kartels...met amanda, her friend Sara, and Claire there..we hung out for a few..then we desided to go over Sara's house and play some pool...before me and rod went to sara's we picked up Kurt so we can hang out with him to....then we want to sara's...we played like A game of pool...i didnt...i was goofing arounf playing with thing around her basement being my wierd self....then it started storming..then the power went out...so its like 2am and we desided to pop out sara's laptop and watch Robin Williams...while amanda kurt and claire are on this couch and sarah and rod are spooning on the ground watching...im all by myself missing vanessa to the extreme...i have never missed someone to much...i was so lonely...then after that we all slept till like 5:30am....then i took kurt and rod back to my house becuase there van was there...then i ventured off to bed...i was extremly tired and sad...i woke up at like 12pm...and now im sitting here typing away trying to keep myself busy and clear my thoughts...i desided im not going into work...i dont feel good..and im tired...so either im going to go back to sleep...or do something...i dont know...i hate just sitting here and playing ... i feel alot better going out and hanging with friends...it stops be from thinking so much about Vanessa being down there...but everything will me okay....alright im taking off now...i shall return...

current mood: Tired and Sad

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Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
6:56 am - I feel sick....but this after noon was awesome
So i go into work at 12pm..its packed with plants that we cant move so work is stressful...I thought Vanessa was going to call me at like 1 or so today but she didnt oh well i hope she calls me later tonnight...at work its like 3pm and in the distance it looks like it was going to rain...me and john got one of the lowes employees to help us bring in racks of plants with a forklift...lol he was going so fast with it and turned...the fucker tips the whole rack of plants to the ground..it was so fucking funny seeing all these nice flowers just crash to the ground...it made my day...while picking up the plants i look in the distance and the clouds got pitch black...i just staired at it...lower clouds look like they were spinning and moving in fast...so i took off to my truck becuase i left the windows open...i get to my truck...open up the door...and get it...i look out the window and the lower clouds were coming at me super fast and the BLACK clouds behind it looked so scary it was beautiful...so i hurried up with the windows...the wind was really kicking up...as i was running back in through the out door nursery i was dodging and jumping plasic pots that we about to hit me like if i were dodging bullets in the matrix it was fun lol...as i was inside there was report of a tornado warning in elyria...so i got excited...this was going t obe awesome...the clouds turned green...perfect signs that a tornado in near or being made...lowes made everyone in the store goto the center if the store...so i was like PARTY IN THE MIDDLE OF LOWES! lol....walking around talking to steve brixie it ended up being 4pm...i wanted to go home....so i did....came home while it was littly raining...i beem home since 4:30 and its now 7:15....and i been doing nothing but sitting and thinking...thinking about Vanessa and how much i miss her being around...this feeling is just going to get worse...but eh...it gets worse and worse...and then it fade over a long period of time...becuase i dont get over people for a very very very long time...and i dont even want to get over Vanessa...shes precious in everyway....tonight we might goto kartels again with amanda and others...I hate sitting at home now and gaming by myself..it sucks so much...when i sit down...turn on FFXI or DAoC i just wanted to stop playing and go out and do something...even if its just hanging out in wallgreens parking lot..it doesnt matter...i hate sitting around now...and i hate work lol...just thought i include that in there...im going to finish cleaning my room up before i have to pick up my dad at the airport...ill be back on later and write more like i do every night before i goto bed...helps me clear things up in my head since i been going through alot of depression

current mood: sick
current music: Chrono Trigger OST

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Friday, May 21st, 2004
8:14 am - Thursday ...3 days without her
So this morning i look at the weather channel and it tells me its going to rain like a mother fucker this afternoon...so im like ROCK i get off work early...so i go into work with a sweater on...thinking its going to get a little chilly....but it didnt...i was roasting at work....i just wanted to work naked....Vanessa calls me at work she tells me alot thats going on...and thats awesome i want to here it all every little detail...i got forced into working till 8pm...i wanted to go home early but eh oh well...after work i went straight over to Rods....jesse was going to be there dropping off kurt...i wanted to talk some sence into the man...i wanted him to hang out with is more...but the man has changed in such a bad way....i never want to hang out with him like ever again....after that we all went to kartels...it was a great time...amanda, skip, sarah hansen, amanda's sara, rod, tom, and chalres...well and Erin Colihan (one of our friends from midview drama) Vanessa called amanda's cell phone to she was talking to her then sarah h got to talk to her..then i did...im getting more and more convinced that Dave is not a threat so i hope it works out and when vanessa comes back she'll want to be with me...Vanessa seems to be ing have a time of her life...and i really wish i could be there with her for all of it...after kartels we went to Common Grounds...hung out at wallgreens parking lot for awhile...waiting for Claire to get off work...and we did alot of free style walking...it was great...i miss my precious so much :( i wish she was with me right now ...this isnt the only reason lol but i really want to make love with vanessa so hardcore you dont even know lol like whoa kinkyness lol :) saving yourself for someone feels so good but i dont know if i should...i would really like vanessa to do the same for me...i think she is...but i dont really know...we havent really talked about it...but hopefully i could get come privacy talk time with her and talk about it...i would reallt feel good about myself if she was being loyal to me as much as i am to her...it would be grand...well that was my day basicly....and its like 3:30am...and im tired as all hell...good night

current mood: okay
current music: Lords of Acid

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