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Monday, November 17th, 2003
8:28 pm - 25 and i am still me
Ah yes, we may have made the mistake of pissing away oportunities and relationships and only realising their potential when it's all to late to re-create what it should/could have been. And we move on by believing that "Fuck it! We are made for better things anyway!" For surely there are things ahead that will give us solid evidence we have some sort of substance. Things that will give us a depth and creative complexity, justifying our being alive, and finally settle that restlessness in the (black) hole at the back of our sole. I mean, how can this not be?

But yet I have turned many a corner and...nothing. I still feel that bubbling of restless anticipation at the back of my chest, but where it was once light and optimistic, it now has more bile in it. Optimism is slowly lying low and dying on me. I am 25 and running head long into my quater life crisis with a force and gusto that 5 or 7 years ago was energy i would have imagined being used on "living my life to it's fullest".

current mood: cynical
current music: john mayer

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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
9:48 am - Fuck off Leanna!
Back to work today. Damn it. I really don't want to go back!!!

Now that we are moving to Adelaide in October, it feels shitty to get back to Sydney and carry on with life as usual. I just wanna move now, get outta here and START my life. This stagnant feeling makes me restless.

And I want Leanna to hurry up and fuck off out of the country already. She only has two weeks of work left and we only had one shift together so I made myself 'unavailable' for it. She'll know it's because of her but my guess is she'll be relieved cause she doesn't want to see me either. Hopefully I won't run into her at home somewhere. Like the laundry! Maybe it's a good excuse to buy new i won't have to do any washing until after she leaves! Ha ha.

It's like, although I have already resigned myself to the fact our friendship is over (and even if she wanted to be friends again - which she doesn't - I wouldn't because I have no time for poeple who are nasty, hypocrytes or LIE about ME TO MY FAMILY!), I won't feel "cleansed" of her until I know for certain I wont be bumping into her. I want her completley out of my life and I am really looking forward to her departure. Nobody in this entire country cares that she is leaving. She has been here for ten years (more i think) and is leaving with nothing. She is Thirty years old, with no real friends now. She has nothing to show of her time here. This is noones fault but her own. She believes you can bully people into liking you or respecting you, but you cant. It just means poeple hate you but are to afraid to say so and instead talk behind your back. I'd feel sorry for her if I wasn't so desperate to see her go.

My brother said to me on the phone "You know you'll make up with her before she goes" and i was astounded at how much that suggestion repulsed me. I can honestly say that I really and trully want her gone.

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
5:19 pm - News Flash : SNOW IS COLD!
We're back!!! Hooray! Well, not really "hooray" because being back in Sydney sucks.

I didn't enjoy the snow a s much as I thought I would. It just seemed such a hassle to put on ten layers of clothes + beanie + gloves + skiboots and skis and poles. I was pretty good for a first timer! I didn't fall over or anything! Tammy said I was a natural. I'm not sure about that but I was certainly alright! But It's not very fun. At one point when we were all geared up to the eyeballs I said to Tammy "at what point did humans decide this was a luxury sport?".

Yuri tried snow boarding but gave that up pretty quickly!

So of the whole week only one day was spent actually on my skies! The snow was pretty crap. It was good the day we arrived but then it was sunny sunny sunny for the rest of the week. The snow turned to slush. They had all 50 snow making machines on and it was still pretty crapola. But Tam, Bec and I made an awesome snowman and that's what counts!!! We even made him out of three spherical balls and everything!

But Adelaide was fantastic. I will write more about it tomorrow. I'm a bit exhausted right now. i'm thinking I might go veg in the couch!

current mood: drained
current music: yuri fucking with his guitar

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Saturday, July 5th, 2003
5:19 pm
Well, I finally cleaned my kitchen floors. And I know what you're thinking...WOW! How fucking exciting!!! Woop-de-fucking-do!

I have to clean this weekend and do all my bloody washing and pack mine and Yurti's bags for the holiday.

I can't wait. I wish I was there now...

current mood: busy
current music: Vast "The last one alive"

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Friday, July 4th, 2003
10:03 pm - HOORAY IT"S FRIDAY!!
I went out for drinks with Cassy after work. I had a really nice time. Carly met us at the pub later, and then two other friends of Cass's. Drank a couple of Vodka Raspberry and Lemonades. That's probably the most I've drunk in a public place since the night my drink was spiked.

I'm not going down to 'The Gong' tomorrow because ONCE AGAIN City Rail are shutting down the rail line for "track work". They even said on their website to allow an extra hour for travel. Fuck off! It already takes an hour and a half to get to Wollongong from here, and they want to make it an hour longer? And let's not forget 'an hour' City Rail time is the equivalent to 5 hours real-life time! So Yuri and I won't be seein' the rello's, but staying home instead. I'm glad! We're loving being able to hang by ourselves! Yuri said to me "And i don't want u wakin' me up early just cause you're bored and wan't someone to talk too". Ha ha. Poor bastard always has me jumping around on the bed, poking him or smothering him with kisses and stuff. Or singing him crap that I make up as I go along such as "It's time for little pumpkins to get up!" nursery rhyme style. He never gets to have a sleep in.

I taped some subtitled movie off SBS from Italy about beauty queens that I'll watch this weekend. It'll be good for a laugh. The 2003 American MTV awards are on at the moment. I watched Pink's performance and I'm like "I just don't get American's. What are these people on?". Yuri and I watched it like "O.K then...". Strange. And what is with the fact that she has a boyfriend? As if she's not a dyke. Gimmee a break! I like Queen Lattifa, and that's about all. The other's are all so boring. Are all their personalities manufactured?

I got a postcard from Hawaii today from Amy! Fuck, why am I going to the freaking snowies when my best bud is at Waikiki?? How is that fair?!!! Ha ha.

Bit worried about money at the moment. How are we going on this holiday to the snow and to Adelaide AND paying the fucking bills?? Stressed out.

Still no word from Leanna. And I'm still not giving a shit.

current mood: drained
current music: Nine Inch Nails "Star Fuckers Inc" (very loud)

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
A pretty average day today.

The visual merchandisers came in to work today, and man are they stuck up!!! Think they are rulers of a kingdom!!! A Retail Kingdom! Hoorah!

Found myself reading the entries of a hardcore christian. *shiver* That's some scary arse shit! It's like this chick had been brain washed or something! Her entry was all about bible study and worship and church camps. She never wants to kiss a boy. Blah blah blah. It was pretty obsesive. "Everything in moderation....except christianity. Live it, breath it, eat it, shit it, never question it or think for yourself" Sad really. Like god would judge you for KISSING a boy! It's be hilarious if it weren't so sad. That's one teen's life stolen. Obsesions are never good...for some it's drugs, for some it's sex, for some it's food (or the lack of it) and for others it's christianity. Whatever fills the void i guess. Why cant you believe in him or have faith but not conform to a religion?

I have that void. Many people do. But I'm not gonna fill it or try to obliterate it or ignore it with some vice that is total bullshit. Maybe god is the answer, but not their judgemental spiteful god! And not through obeying a list of demands and ogsessively worshiping. God is not going to favour you because you refrained from kissing a boy you like! He'd just feel sorry for you. The guy GAVE us kissing! And anyone who has shared a kiss with someone they really like knows that it can't be anything but good! A passionate kiss with someone you're really into is as Holy as is gets!

But the poor girl will probably marry super young to a boring virginal christian guy that hasn't a clue, but will none-the-less create babies with their lack of contraception.

current mood: mellow
current music: Tea Party "Coming home"

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm restless.

It's SOOO wet today. God I hate wet weather. It gets me down.
But I am going to the snow soon. How am I to cope if I don't like the 11 degrees cellcious I get from an aussie storm how am i gonna cope with snow and ice? 11*C is warm in some countries! It's probably about that in London every bloody day.
All the times I've bagged out my father's gods - Frosty and Freezy - will have repucutions thrice fold! (I just get the feeling they're the vengeful type of gods).

I have to call Tammy and Katherine tonight. And Macca too if i can be bothered. I don't want to be neglecting my friends when one already isn't talking to me!

I have to call Tammy about her leaving 'In House'.

I have to call Katherine about Christopher moving in with her (and i should have done so 2 bloody weeks ago). Her text still has me in shock! I can't believe my little commitment phobe friend is letting her man move in!!

I have to call Macca just to check in. He always calls me after a spell. I should return the favour I guess.

Fuck. I'll have to call Rowan too.

I HATE not having credit on my phone. Cause instead of texting to check in I have to make actual phone calls! Like, TALK to people! I mean really! And they call this the technological age!

current mood: lazy
current music: Fionna Apple "The Pawn" album

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8:45 am - Work Sucks
Bloody hell, I SO do not want to go to work today. 10th day in a row of what will be a 12 day stretch. Yuri just left for work too.

I just wanna stay home and clean my house! I need a day off.

Amy emailed me from America yesterday. She sounds like she's having a blast. The only thing wrong with those summer camp things is the pre-pubescent amercican girlies. She says they do nothing but try to be pretty and impress the boys. It's boys boys boys. We both think we were never that bad at 11 and 12. Surely not! Maybe at 14 and 15...

I emailed her back a quick run-down on my fight with Leanna. Amy is seriously my longest friend. We've known eachother for eons - probably past lives - and we have NEVER even said a harsh word, or had anything remotely like a disagreemant. Those are the best type of friends. The ones where it takes zero effort to be such close friends. You just are because you appreciate eachother. I told her she was a blessing.
With Leanna there is always an underlying sense of competition. But it's not personal...she's like that with EVERYONE.

Cassy asked me out for drinks after work Friday night and I said I would. I feel bad about missing her party. I explained to her that Leanna wasn't talking to me and therefore not going to the party with me, so I couldn't go 'cause I didn't want to catch the train home that late all by myself (and I'd probably be half-pissed) and she understood. But I know she was seriously dissapointed. Lani didn't show up either, unreliable girly that she is.

Fuck I don't wanna go to work.

current mood: grumpy

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
9:27 pm - So many try-hards OR Brittany Spears is a fuck.
I cant believe the amount of morons floating around the site!

Like it's some bloody popularity contest! I didn't realise these diaries are supposed to impress other users!

There are way to many people here that think they (and their journal) are the be all and end all of wisdom and importance. Quite amusing really.

I dont mind people reading my entries. I mean, who cares? Judge me all you want! I actually saw one chicks info page saying she wouldn't add you to her friends list if you write entries about who do what to whom. I mean if she's not interested in that it's fair enough (god knows I'm not either) but to specifically write that in your info page was a bit stuck up!! I mean, what is SHE writting that makes her more worthy?

But then again, I did say in mine that I hate hard-core christians and teeny-boppers who like Brittany Spears. So I guess we all have our biases.
I would be happy to debate religion with anyone, but I just cant tolerate anyone even suggesting the idea that Brittany Spears has the right to live on the same planet as me. (How stuck up is that?! But i cannot tell i is true.)

I must go now...Yuri is hassling me to watch a dvd with him.

current mood: bitchy
current music: Depeche Mode "Mercy in you"

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5:35 pm - Not happy Jan.
I found BLURTY when looking for somewhere I could vent.

I'm fighting with my friend Leanna. She is 6 yrs older than me @ 30, but you would think we were 15. She retorts with the most immature shit you could imagine. She is in the wrong and knows it, hence why she hasn't approached me to resolve this. If SHE was in the right she'd be at my door in a flash ready to "win".

And she's moving back to New Zealand in 7 weeks. For good. Is she just going to avoid me till then and just go? 6 years of friendship gone just like that?

During our screaming match she went on with shit like "I'm so sick of this country! I hate everyone it! I don't want to talk to anyone here again!". I was fucking tempted to say "Well go then! No one gives a shit. See ya." But I couldn't. I don't really want to hurt her the way she's hurt me.

And the stupid girl fails to realise that with me out of the picture there won't be many poeple shedding any tears when she goes. She has her other friend Rebecca, but they see eachother once every three months or something. I see her every second day. Well I work with her part-time and live in the appartment directly beneath her, so it's a bit hard not to!!! Mind you, we are doing a snazzy job of avoiding eachother at the moment.

I seriously dont want to see her before I go on my holiday in a weeks time. Then it'd be two weeks without her while I'm gone. It troubles me that I feel this way. Shouldn't I be busting to get this resolved? Shouldn't I be missing her like crazy and hoping it will all blow over? It's certainly how I would behave in the past.

I'm wondering if I've out-grown her. I can't put up with her shit the way I used to. I have some wonderful friends that would NEVER treat me the way she does. When I told my friend Tammy about everything she was amazed at Leanna's behaviour. Couldn't believe it. She thinks Leanna has some major fucking issues. And believe you me, Tammy is one wise chicky.

I know Leanna loves me to death. I know Leanna loves me more than anything, but with such a dominating personality she can go to far sometimes. Her double standards never used to phase me, but now they drive me up the wall.

I just think I've come to a point in my life where I'm to old to bother with such juvinille crap. I am 24 for fuck's sake. I have other friends where it takes no effort or emotional drainage to simply be friends.

I am sick to death of hearing about how fat she is. How much weight she's lost now. How much exorcise she's done. Seriously, I couldn't give a fuck. Yes, I was happy to support her desision to loose those unhealthy kilos. Yes, I am glad she is down to healthy weight range. But someone gag the girl if she mentions it again. It's become ALL we talk about. This fight is good in the way it's given me a break from hearing it!!!

Why do poeple have to make things more complicated or painful than necessary?

current mood: contemplative
current music: George (polyserena)

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Monday, June 30th, 2003
9:17 am - I aint no cyber geek!!
I am completely ignorant when it comes to computers!!!
Sigh! This will be a learning experience!!
I will have to work out how to upload pics and stuff. My journal looks boring.

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8:50 am - New journal
Starting a journal online should be interesting! But I am willing to put my thoughts and feelings matter how much I scare myself (or others).
It will be interesting to see how my entries flow, considering how my mood can be different on any given day. One day it's "the world is a shit-hole" and the next it's "life is a beautiful thing".

current mood: curious

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