| Happy November | ||||
| 02:45pm 21/11/2004 | ||||
I took a break....one that was long and rather needed, i do belive. I am back, though, for those who missed. I'm not much in the mood to write, as i am rahter tired..and updates will be sporadic, since i don't have alot of accesss to internet anymore (new house, no DSL internet, must share the phoneline, etcetera) But i am here, and i am well. More coming soon. |
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| break me | ||||
| i've got a cold. | |||
| 07:30pm 08/10/2004 | |||
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heh...wonderful stuff, this is. Nothing to write. Rather, nothing i'd like to write about because, frankly...i'd like to not think about it. If i wrote, i'd be forced to think about what's going on. And i can't just write about it because... No one cares. I hate feeling like such an outsider. I hate avoiding people because i think they actually hate me, but are too polite to say anything. I dont like it when i walk up to a friend and recive a passive, hi-oh-it's-just-you greeting...like as if we're only Maybe we were and i was just making everything up. Why do people matter so much to me when i obviously am not worth anything to them? --- I've almost forgotten what this kind of disgust feels like. Mornings have turned into a frightful ordeal, the body sent back into motion after a stint of rest. Four hours, seven lately because i've ben ill, and i can't seem to get up at 5:30 anymore. I mock myself, mainly because it's hard to wake up anymore. I mock myself because i am frightened to enter the school building anymore. I walk down the hallway, past that familiar group which i do not belong with. I've been unofficially cast out...no one really cares if i am there but no one really cares if i am not. I am not wanted. I am not noticed. Fuck, and like i can just walk up to anyone and start talking to them. They've been doing things together this summer, been to concerts i have not, gone to parties i was not invited to. But it's not like i dont need them...i need people...i need these people...I've told them things i dont tell people at all....and this year...god, they dont even know about me at all. They hardley acknowledge i've even talked to them. Fucking hate myself for driving away something so wonderful. |
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| 3 broken strings| break me | |||
| ... | |||
| 04:15pm 29/09/2004 | |||
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i owe you a quarter :shrug:...the concert went OK...we didnt fall apart....it was not spectacular, but what right have i to expect miracles? --- Happy 17th, James. |
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| break me | |||
| 4 months. | |||
| 09:51am 26/09/2004 | |||
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--- Rehersal Yesterday Haydn, Missa in honorem Sti. Nicolai (Sechsviertel- Messe.) to be performed Oct 3rd and a friend's church. It went alright. The symphony conductor is playing first bassonist. It was sort of awkward....he is unhappy with my violin teacher. He wouldn't look at me. I will bet you a quarter he He will not, because, as well already know, it is to sound terrible. Dvorak's Schertzo and Cappricioso is to far over the heads of the general orchestra. But how could they possibly undestand the style of his works when this particular one is just so very Mozart-esque, with it's odd turns and trills...defineatly not the essence of Dvorak. Mozart's music, however happy, upsets me. The thought of John Carter's Cantata being ruthlessly slaughtered by us sickens me. I've requested for people not to come. I decided last night that i needed to walk...but that it was too risky to walk outside. I walk outside at night frequently, so why it would bother me all of the sudden...i don't know. Perhaps i needed to be able to track the time between here and back. I rememeber checking the time, between 7 and 12 minutes passed between each time i looked. It was never and even 5 or 10, which sort of bothered me, but that really wasn't the issue. Anxiety got them better of me. I ended walking a circle around my kitchen and living room for about an hour. Then i heard my mom coughing in the next room, and decided i should stop. This would be rather difficult to explain.... Must get New York photos developed... |
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| break me | |||
| the panic. | |||
| 08:20pm 24/09/2004 | |||
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I didn't mean for it to escalate to this point. I haven't meant for anything to escalate anywhere. I've wanted nothing to happen to me that would affect other people. Unfortunately, we do not realize the actions we make...we do not know just how I thought i was dealing well with the issues that i've been saddled with lately. Apparently, not as well as i belived. It is not normal to freak out over a mess at the lunch table. But that is what happened. It was a mess, i cleaned it up, but the sheer thought that anyone could be so fucking slothful just made me physically ill. Someone sort of joked about it..."i wasn't as dramatic about it.." she'd commeneted. Undermining this blantent example of greed....ranch fucking dressing at one hundred and fifteen calories per two tablespoon serving....at least 45 calories on my hands...the comment, however lighthearted, was in my mind, the equivalent of her ridiculing me. This is fucking selfish of me to think this way....i HATE myself for being such a nasty fucking slob. I walked from the cafeteria, washed my hands. A teacher whom i've regarded as "ok" saw me and started talking to me. If a teacher is "ok", they can be trusted...i can speak to them openley, and i am allowed to ask them questions. The only teacher that is "ok" that i have this term is Ms. Lloyd. I have this teacher next term. He is my violin teacher's fiance. I'm such a fucking waste of time. We talked, he got concerned. And i am just this fucking grotesque piece of shit...he wanted me to talk to my counselor. I told him that i would rather not, but at them same time, debating in my head.."i should at least make a motion..."just so he could go do what he was meaning to do before he saw me and was kind enough to stop and see if i was alright. I should have said "i'll see her later, some other time, eventually, next block, on Monday.."etc. al. But i didn't. I've lied this way before...not because i'm trying to be "non-compliant" or "ungrateful"...i just dont deserve to be heard. and this fact is becoming more and more apparent....at least this way they belive they've helped me, that they can stop worrying about me. We ended seeing someone else, together. Except he left...i did not want him to leave. I do not deserve to be heard, i do not deserve anything, but that does not mean that i do not want it. I want it. I want to be allowed to feel good.....i want to be happy and not feel guilty about it. I want...i do not deserve...something When he left, i stared at the floor. The counselor was more than willing to agree with me that i was fine, and wasn't he sweet for caring so much, what a nice man, yadda yadda. Fine. "Can i go now", feined impatience, but my insides were screaming.... a real glimpse. i am sorry if you dont like what i've written, i'm sorry if you feel that i've exposed too much. weakingfucking |
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| break me | |||
| It is definately | |||
| 09:39am 17/09/2004 | |||
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fall. no turning back now, kids. --- Sometimes, and after a short lifetime of brief highs and brief lows, i've come to grasp that things change when we don't want them to. There is a point we find in our lives where we'd like to just stay there for awhile. We'd like to freeze time, for however long, just to savor the moment,holding frantically to whatever feeling it is we are trying to preserve. We think about how awful it has been, but now how wonderful. How lovely it is to have gone through that rough spot, and now we are finally free, finally happy, and god damn it, wouldn't it be nice if this could just be maintained? It cannot. Season's change, and so do circumstances. Other people entre your life, and people leave or die or just simply push you away, inadvertantly screaming ; "Fuck you. Stay away from me. I have nothing to say to you, and I want nothing to do with you". As humans we are dependant on eachother for survival. We are a complex society, as we demand not just to survive, we want quality as well. We want to suceed, to Make A Living for ourselves. We want to give Love, and feel Compassion. Those of you that deny this fact are full of shit. You cannot recieve these things without giving them first. And without recieving, you are doomed. I hate to sound melodramatic, but i belive that you already know this. I've been feeling better around people lately...ignoring the fact that i feel like a huge, slothful creature, ugly as fucking Sin, and about as in place with everyone as the wrong piece of the right jigsaw puzzle...it'll be ok. Some people have plans today...i was not invited. That just kind of brings a certain force before you. You are not Important enough to be given a second glance. People that you still consider good friends of yours don't even really talk to you anymore because your too fucking wrapped up in the fucking mantras that go though your head. Invisable armies marchng along the cerebral cortex, driving you mad. You can save face, smile on cue, but in the end it's still fucking YOU, YOU who made these fucking decisions, YOU who fucking screwed EVERYTHING UP. I suppose that's what was wrong yesterday. I cannot fucking stand what i have become. |
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| 1 broken string| break me | |||
| my days | ||||
| 12:23pm 06/09/2004 | ||||
--- six days until moving day. mom hired a hotshot attourney we cant really afford, but we'll manage. i turned in my application for Panera bread....i am hopeful. music is going alright. no Symphony today. i feel so hollow on the inside. |
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| break me | ||||
exhausted| ... | |||
| 06:54pm 02/09/2004 | |||
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i feel sick --- yesterday started the climb of a three octave e-minor scale, as i have done countless times before... as i came upon the note of second octave a-sharp, third finger, position five, i felt outside myself.... right in the middle of the scale. it's normal for me to zone out mid-scale...they are rather monotonous. but this was quite different...rather than a blank mind, i felt more of a train coming right for me, at breakneck speed. the lights shone brightly in my eyes. i forgot which note came next, even though it was printed quite clearly on the page. My teacher gave me a curious look. i told her some things that were bothering me....that i miss some of the good times i had last year, i miss the closeness i had with some of my friends...that it was probably my fault, and there's nothing i can do about the fact that any time i talk to these people now, they are either very not interested or annoyed, it seems, by my mere presence. And at this she kind of shook her head, gave me some insight. I want my good judgement back. I want to see things clearly again i dont know what the hell i'm doing. sorry, to whoever reads this, but thanks to those that have put up with me. sorry, to those who can't/won't. but you could have at least said goodbye before you'd gone....sucks, because i still love people as my friends, but i can't..talk to them, because all that's on my fucking mind these days is just sad, stupid crap. all i want for them is to be happy. and if the absense of me and my shit is what's going to do it..i've been more than willing, for their sake. i havent been in the mood, lately, for anything, and i'm really sorry that i dont feel well. i'm sorry i dont talk to you, but i just feel like i ruin events just by being there...you know? like, the fact that i've been really unhappy permeates the room, gives it a bad air. i'm sorry that i "seem fine alot of the times", that i dont wear my depression on my sleeve, that i wouldnt even be able to function if i did. it still doesnt change the fact that it hurts. and if i'm wrong about all this...shit, jeez. talk to me. e-mail me. call me. please.... |
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| Rather Important Update | ||||
| 06:34am 26/08/2004 | ||||
My mom, brothers, and I are moving into an apartment by next week. It's in town, off route "b". I need to find someone that can take care of my dog until we can afford to rent a house. I don't know....i see that this post is devoid of any sort of feeling. I can't really post what i feel...i can't even say it in words aloud. |
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| break me | ||||
numb| What i meant to do | ||||
| 01:51pm 17/08/2004 | ||||
School starts in 9 days. --- Jason turned 18 on Sunday. Hehehe....good job, lovely. Welcome to adulthood. I'll see you there soon. Slept over at Matt's house with Erin and Jason....twas interesting. I think i actually got more sleep than anyone else....two hours. And then up, we were, and ready to start the day. Hehe...sort of. I got a guinea pig. Jason and James were calling it "Danielle" because, apparently, it is as jumpy as i am. I've named it "Boo". Off of the game. It just seems so very fitting. |
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| 1 broken string| break me | ||||
geeky| full day by noon | |||
| 01:57pm 13/08/2004 | |||
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This morning was good. Went garage sailing, saw Erin for the first time in over a MONTH. It was cold this morning...warmed up by 11:30, but now i'm inside and it feels like September. I have this rising feeling of "maybe" within me. I'm making all these odd desicions...i'm sure they are for the best, though. But i hate myself at the same time. I'm cold...I'm wearing a jacket...i should look for a blanket. |
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| break me | |||
| ARGH!! | |||
| 12:06pm 10/08/2004 | |||
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never before had a time like this been reached. Four days, the clock struck a new hour. The Grandfather held his hands at the top numbers, but digital clocks around the world started showing hours past 12. Soon, it was 13, 14, 15th hour. Army clocks became obselete, impossible to read. As the 48th out rang free, a crack to in atmosphere became visible even to the unaided eye. A light broke through, and the dawn of a new era began |
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| break me | |||
| Adesse | ||||
| 10:43am 06/08/2004 | ||||
Nothing's different, and nothing is wrong. i've lost some sleep (whatever sleep i was getting), but am less tired as a result. Nevermind me, I am something else all together. I fare well in conditions that make the general population sit back and put forward a look of disbelife or, better yet, annoyance, for i must be lying about such things. I've been trying to read books. But the books do not want to be read. So I put them back on the shelf and reach for my pen. Or my violin. Or the remote control Whichever kind of mood i am in at the particular moment. School starts I've had alot of time, in the past week...to think about things. Perhaps not in the clearest manner, since i do not sleep as much as i should, i have been known for clouded judgement and odd-as-hell "revelations" which i stumble upon later as being sheer and utter non-sense. When night falls, so do alot of people's resolve. The resolve to finish that essey ends at one or two in the morning, right? If you really had the will, you would be up until it was finished. But there's something else going on, i belive. Anyone who's been to a sleepover party knows that all the soul-bearing conversations start in the wee hours...you don't get that kind of intimate converstaion in the daylight. It doesn't bode well. Dark thoughts match the dark sky. Perhpahs there is more reason than we were led to belive as to why, at an early age, we are taught to work in the daylight and sleep only when the sun falls. Humans, i am told, are biologically meant to sleep in sporadic periods of two to three hours at a time. Which goes to show you, that, yes you can! do anything that you set your mind to. Fall is my favourite season...it always had been. I find it funny, when asking people what their favourite season is they pick one is relation to the kind of weather they enjoy the most. "Summer cuz it's HOT. Winter cuz it's ". Weather does not own the seasons. It is not always rainy in April. It does not always snow on Christmas. Fall, the season, is muffled...something else all together. It's the legacy of summer's passing, but you can feel the wind from the north coming off much cooler...stangly, lights are brighter, and evenings are breathtaking...they're so cold, but not icingly so, and the sky is so pure, stars give off piercing light. Or maybe that is just me, with an impared sense of what is real and what is fabricated. But i am not making this up, and just thinking about late September gives me goosbumps...maybe there just arent enough people that have stopped to take a look around. |
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| 3 broken strings| break me | ||||
weird| hurts | |||
| 08:34pm 28/07/2004 | |||
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i feel awful. maybe i should just...i dont know. whatever is going on, i hope it gets better soon. i'm much too tired...this feeling is much too old. |
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| break me | |||
| losing my voice | |||
| 11:56pm 27/07/2004 | |||
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i've been writting, suprisingly. Even though it shows i havent written anything since..i think, the 14th of this month?...I have written. But i pulled the posts, mostly for your benefit. I got nothing out of writting the posts, and you would get nothing out of reading them. Yet, i had not the heart to erase the words. So i put them under "private" option. Words. They were just words....letters, colours, alliteration. All of it means so much to me, but it's relevence to anything at all holds not at all. --- The window pane was cold this morning. How odd for July, I'm used to warmth at my finger tips on these summer mornings. What's happened? I am convinced that fall as, indeed, arrived early this year. Not just the temperature has changed. I go though a sort of haze in the fall. Summer is a time for compulsions. For once, i will feel tired if i haven't slept. But it all ends around September. I think i can honestly it started September 11th. I don't mean to bring in all the patriotic bullshit, but i was a young teen at the time. I watched the MTV commentary, where teens across America sent in comments to their website and they displayed the messages on the screen. There wasn't any music at all in the background, just the scrolling type and commercials in between. I didn't sleep that night, or the next night, or the night afterward. Sept.11 was a Wednesday that year, because i remember that Friday going to a movie and discussing politics with my friends parents. I rememebr being lost among the fire of words and names i didn't understand at the time. That Saturday i crashed at noon and read Wasted for the first time that evening. Ever since then fall has become my numbing season. It's quite lovely, though it's not the type for numbing sensation the rest of you are thinking about. It's more of a quiet removal. I get to stand outside my life and watch it occur as if i were watching it through some sort of glass wall, one just thin enough to were everyone still thinks i'm in the same world as they are, while i *know* that i am behind some sort of force that they cannot see, nor do they even notice. I'm full of a nervous energy. But like fall itself, it's so brief. Why can't i have fallen in love with a season with more staying power, like summer or winter. Ah, but like a point of grace, it is but that. Nothing more than a point, a pinprick, a slight breath. And then it is over. *^~*^~*^~*^~* I've been avoiding. Friends seem to complicate things. Not because of anything they've done...but because i can't seem to keep them. I screw something up, until i belive i've lost something, only to realize...hey. None of what i thought happened was really going on, and i've just fucked up again by accusing people of not caring, of being distant, etc., when really, i'm the one who's not talking. I'm the one running away. What do i do about this? Ugh..feel sick to my stomach and hope someone can read my mind and know i'm sorry for ruining everything, for not being there enough, for being there too much, for whatever it was i messed up on. Try to be a better friend, a better person...each time to no avail. I havent kept friends for more than two years before. It hurts because i'm exhausted. I'm tired of meeting new people, and opening up to them, and leaving the ones i love behind. I did that to Lauren. i did that to McKellan. She mattered to me more than anything. I feel like a whore. An attention whore. You were fucking right after all. Congradu-fucking-lations. |
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| 1 broken string| break me | |||
| because i feel urghish | |||
| 11:06pm 20/07/2004 | |||
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Points of Random! Vol. II -"Not Another Tenn Movie" SUCKED!! -When Jon says "i'll do something you don't want me to" he *means* it -Andrew is very fat, and very black -Erin is the life of the party -Jason's dog is a bitch in the painfully litteral sense of the term -"Magic Ball Make Uhg Feel Good"--Aqua Teen Hunger Force -Little butts are found at Dairy Queen -Even college kids are morons -Mole creme is expensive...and you should not eat it -Special Estrogen Unit -Law and Order is boring at noon -Judging Amy is boring, period -Jon's truck, not matter where it is parked, will always be in the way -My screen name is odd and screams "teen angst" -Farenheit 9/11 is not nearly as good the second time -George Bush makes me giggle -Never buy American cars -Aimee will one day be famous, mark.my.words. -A $500 violin case will solve all of my violin teacher's problems -Mozart can laugh at himself -If you smoke pot in the kitchen, i can smell it from my room -If you smoke pot in my house at my house at all, i reserve the right to kill you....and steal your dooby -If i plan something via the internet, i will probably forget the exact date...(again, i apologize..) -Ice-T is a shitty rapper -Mikey's dumb -If you put a straw in your armpit and blow, it makes a very gross farting noise -Depth perception is good to have -Get the hell out of my chair -The downstairs computer at my house is crappy -hehehehe...wood. -"Dude, no, it's just a guy and a girl fucking"~Phil's friend -I slept for three hiurs last night -argh -Colin and Ben as debate partners is sort of like Conan O Brian and Sean Hannity running a talk show -rrrarwrrr -Yoshitmitzu is the shit. -Erin A. drives better under the influence of something else -Drugs. Yeah. -Ask my opinion on something i could care less about, i will give you an impassioned responce wo covey my indifference -YeS yOu DiD -Muter -click click click click click *click* |
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| 1 broken string| break me | |||
| Man oh man | ||||
| 01:12pm 20/07/2004 | ||||
broken x verse: we should get people up at Binder Park...that sounds like it was fun AnAmericanPoetJM: ? AnAmericanPoetJM: You mean like the bonfire AnAmericanPoetJM: you weren't there?? AnAmericanPoetJM: Oh yeah.. WHY NOT?? broken x verse: i was in another state :-D AnAmericanPoetJM: UGH AnAmericanPoetJM: What a total downer broken x verse: i know :'(..'tis not a party unless *danielle* is there broken x verse: j/k..by the way AnAmericanPoetJM: PSH AnAmericanPoetJM: I'M where the party's at! broken x verse: hehe....yeah buddy AnAmericanPoetJM: hah AnAmericanPoetJM: lotion!    i am amused |
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| 2 broken strings| break me | ||||
enthralled| I realize | ||||
| 01:04pm 14/07/2004 | ||||
I realize that...well...my mom's breif stint of drinking less was just that...breif..the past few days she's been drinking more, and last night was the end of her de-alcholholisation for a long, long time. It makes me sad to see her doing this to herself. Alot of tiems I find myself over-obsessed with her well-being. If i know she left for work happy, it lightens the afternoon load. If i know she left for work hung over (hmm, yup, today...), or if things have been rockier than usual between she and Dale, she and Phil, she and me...the feeling of being punched in the stomach over and over comes to mind. And of course, if the latter of the list is true...yeah... Today, nothing rocky, but I feel horrible. But this time i don't belive it has anything to do with my mom. In fact, i don't think it has anything to do with people. I'd like to blame these thoughts on "mistreatment" by my "family" or "friends"...but i can't They've done nothing wrong...and it's damn selfish of me to try to place blame on anyone.... How is it that i can make the world stop turning in my head? For so long, it was out of my reach, whirrling, sickening to the point of of me losing my insides. Now, still dizzy as hell..it has stopped. I really don't mean to sound so over-dramtic...but lay off, this is my place to do it... It's gotten alot quieter...I don't know what's to happen next. It's the choices I am making...some of them maybe for the better..others...perhaps not so. But my only interest is not quality of my life...my interest lies only in passing through while making as little emotional, physical impact as possible. A tad difficult to do under the circumstances...:oink:. Blaaaah...i sit here waiting for an epiphany, but despite my Trust me, i am thankful for the time to grab my yard stick and push the marbles back from under the couch. |
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| break me | ||||
anxious| it kinda seems | |||
| 10:41pm 12/07/2004 | |||
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Well..pointless. Linn's talking about deleting ,i>her journal James is talking about deleting hisjournal. Everyone seems so angry lately. --- I'm cold. Dale is investing in a new "A" coil for the air conditioning....$500. But it's ok...out house was getting sort of unbearable. Mom got the job. So we'll have more money coming in. Our health insurance policy is turning from an HMO to a PPO...a major leap...Mom's going to be ahppier going to work. Dale's going to be more civil. Phil's not as stoned....granted, he is grounded.. "oh whoa is me, for the world is happy, yet I shed so many tears" :roll: So many things i wish i could fix. I wish i could fix..i would fix if i were given the chance. It won't come, i won't push. I won't push. |
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| break me | |||
| Healthlink | ||||
| 10:09pm 11/07/2004 | ||||
Health.Insurance. Read; if i want to...i can try therepy again...with a competent therepist. If i can scrounge up the guts to tell my mom...if i can scrounge up the will to get over this for good. --- I am afraid. My head hurts with thoughts raging from my control. Is this?...Am I?...Could I?...Was he/she/it?...What if?....What if?... Is this what i want? Am I really this in the hole Can I just never let this bother me again Was He right when he said i would never grow up? Was she right when she told me how beautiful i was? Was it the best i could possibly make of it all? What If this is all for nothing? What If i am just fucking up all this good energy for the sake of wasting energy? What If i was wrong? My internet's been acting goofy. We got bomarded with spam viruses shortly after my last post from my house. So i've been updating whenever i can from Jason's house. Won't be much...not nearly as much as if i were posting from home...i'm sre you all are crushed :roll: I miss Sam and Erin. |
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| 1 broken string| break me | ||||
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konzertblak |
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