two seconds   
09:14pm 13/12/2002
  What a dumb day.

Thank god I skipped school, I was so... bleh.. this morning that I couldn't get up.

Must be some psychological aspect of my loneliness

"who would you want to see?"

"there're too many stupid people in the world"

"you're behind"

"there's too much pressure"

"i just want to crawl up and die..."

I didn't do much at all until I had to sell my smiles at work. It's so dumb... but I don't think I'd rather do some other job than what i have. Tho I wish I can just sit around and do nothing, I'm so busy all the time. I rarely have time to sleep.
 
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inside i'm slowly dying   
10:36pm 07/12/2002
  i swear today's just another freezing hell

anyway woke up way too early for my good, freezing, naked, uncomfortable. i had a fun hanging out with chrys and james last night, at ruby's, with my cousin. it's a shame that i didn't finish my buffalo wings!

on another note, i told chrys everything about my situation with ryan, and a couple of others. what shock is that she also has a new crush that she hasn't told me either, so we're tied. no bad feelings, i didn't really care.

driving alone with my cousin was a drag, really it was. the silence and discomfort made me realize how much i really want a guy in my life, oh no, to be there for me. i want a boyfriend, but i'm damn sure i don't need one. i don't need the emotional pressure tied to being into a relationship, because i know it would hinder my desire for independence, but at the same time i feel that i could endure such and such if i really wanted a boyfriend. fairly ambiguous.

i'd like to hold his hand, intertwined, warmly and happily. feel his warmth against my body when he holds me and kiss him, anyplace that i want to. it gets a tad hard if you feel sultry at the spur of the moment and you're all alone!

i don't want to get hurt

i swear it's only this winter season.

reminder: what i'm feeling is only a fad

but still,

i miss being in love
 
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Prelude   
04:28pm 07/12/2002
  And she asks me "what kiss?"

I don't feel like telling my friends everything that is going on with me unless I choose to. Not even her, whom I have known for so long compared to my other friends. There are so many times when I feel that she has talked about me behind my back that would eventually lead to my embarrassment once it is discussed. Seldom I think she is annoyed or disgusted with me and what I do, so screw it. I don't feel like talking about my guy issues when she later resents herself, or resents the idea of boys, or even me. I don't like talking to her much because I sometimes feel that she is not open to the same emotions as I feel, so discussing it would be generally upsetting.

This could be another phase.

I kissed Ryan-that I did, and that I regret and feel thankful for.

I would love to date a guy at this moment of my life, but it's December, normally being couples is just a fad, or a case of the season. My exboyfriend and good friend are dating too. The idea is a much ambivalent one rather than an uncomfortable one, much to the fact that I still care about him and all. And that I am lonely.

I wish to have someone to hold me when I need it, and kiss my tears away. A guy so incredible that seeing him takes my breath away, even in my dreams. He would hold my hand and sing to me a lullabye, touch my hair or my face like a blind man who'd just redeemed his sight, love me like he's never loved anyone before.

In any course of thought, the notion of this perfect man is only found in dreams. That's depressing to me.

hi

i wish i had a more fun life

i wish i had a life (period)

finding more and more reasons to why this life sucks, everyday. trying to counter the bad with good but sometimes failing

one, is that I doubt that anyone would ever like me anymore. people are just so superficial including myself.

two, i am a real procrastinator and it's so hard to get motivated knowing that my efforts would later be in vain.

three, my friends talk behind my back that it's hard for me to trust them at all. i need to find a friend who i can talk about my emotions towards things, interests and such, how i can be bicurious sometimes or even depressed. sometimes i think that they wouldn't be able to handle that even if i try

four, i tend to get rejected a lot

five, i feel like i'm never good enough.

six, i'm just me
 
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