|Monday, November 29th, 2004|
2:39 am - William Blake
excerpt from Poison Tree|
i was angry with a friend
i told my wrath
my wrath did end
i was angry with a foe
i told it not
my wrath did grow.
think about it...
btw, i'm now at www.greatestjournal.com/users/knk
simple reason being that it doesn't hang as often as blurty and i can load pictures and other stuff there. more user friendly i guess...
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2:19 am - a word or two
i know me of all people being absent so long and uncaring so long has very little right to say what i'm about to say. this goes out to all who are willing to put aside ego and self importance for a moment and just listen.|
1) when you do anything, do it willingly and don't expect anything in return
2) nobody's gonna be there all the time to watch out for you. it doesn't mean nobody cares. we're not superhuman.
3) to remember everything is a form of madness. start forgetting your past grudges. they'll only make you sick inside
4) take it easy. laugh at yourself, laugh at others. look on the brighter side of life. it's really not that depressing if you don't want it to be.
5) a smile, an appreciative word does wonders
6) people don't want to be nagged at all the time. that's what mothers are for. approach the situation from another angle
7) talk things out. nobody's a mind-reader. giving voice to something does not automatically nullify the remedial action taken, sinking it in insincerity. people need to know what's wrong before they can do anything about it.
8) bbqs are not a walk in the park nor a bed of roses. there will always be 2 poor blokes rotting in front of the pit while everyone else is eating, and there will always be insensitive people who don't understand that the food they have before them is the result of the two poor blokes standing by the bbq pit. expect it and move on.
9) stop being so childish, for chrissakes grow up.
10) the world doesn't revolve around me nor you.
11) this is a stupid reason over which to kill yourself. killing yourself is stupid any way you look at it. unless you're gonna be proud of your stupidity in your afterlife i suggest you don't do it.
12) depression and suicide attempts are not the ways to get attention. there are always more constructive ways of going about getting attention.
13) don't keep hanging out with the same group of people, diversify. looking at the same faces all the time gets a little aggravating and boring.
14) afraid of getting left out, go out in small groups. it's as simple as that.
15) very very important. DON'T TAKE THINGS SO SERIOUSLY. it all really isn't such a big deal. is it world changing? is it comparable to people living below the poverty belt in other parts of the world who are scrimping and saving to survive? is a bbq or a pubbing outing that life changing? sure it's ok to be angry for a while, but don't hold a grudge. don't do anything irrevocable.
think about it, 20, no 10 years down the road when you read these arguments when you're facing problems at work, trying to save enough money for the kids education, trying to hold on to your job and so on, would you laugh at the smallness and insignificance of this situation? or would it still be just as important as the job, the income, the family the wife and kids in the future?
please people just take a hard look at yourselves. is this what you've survived 6 years of trials and tribulations as the infamous colony for? take a break from each other. cool down. gather your thoughts, don't make hasty decisions in the heat of the moment. then think if all the shared experiences, good and bad, are worth throwing away. let this enty be the voice of reason in this madness.
ps. and please don't hurl insults and threats back at me for not even being there and not understanding. i'm trying to help cause as an outsider i believe i see things clearer than you who are caught up in the melee.
BTW, JEREMY!!! when are you leaving? i'd like to meet up for coffee or smth at least before then. i haven't seen you in such a long time, it'd be nice to see with my own eyes how much you've changed or stayed the same.
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|Saturday, November 20th, 2004|
6:52 pm - cheese warning...
Eternal Strife chapter (?)|
The night enchants me; it is the sight of endless black and infinite possibilities. Away from prying eyes and accusing glares I am free to be myself, to stretch my wings, to fly and reach for the impossible dreams and make them mine. The covering dark provides a shelter and a protection against the hurt and pain; it is where we cannot see, that we do not need to hide.
The illusion breaks from my skin and in the pale moonlight I gleam a golden hue. I spread my wings and throw off the old gray cloak. For 18 years I’ve lived like this, hiding in the day under an old blanket and flying free only when the world is not looking. I stretch the leather taught on the golden spooks and step on the edge of the castle wall. I stare up at the heavens and smile at the moon, for she is full and beautiful. Then the dive. Collapsing my wings behind me I let the earth pull me to meet her as I drop off the side of my liege’s castle. The wind rushes through my hair, black wisps whipping about my face. Eyes closed the sensations are overwhelming, the rush of the fall and the danger at the end. I open my wings in time to swerve upwards. The soundless beating of my wings against the night air takes me higher. I open my eyes and peer down on the world, so little in all its self-righteous glory, and so far below me. Pinpricks of the threatening day flicker outside each house, torches that bring back, in a small circle of light, the blinding sight and cruel knowledge that I am different, cursed. They are those that will need that light because they do not trust their senses in the dark to guide them and save them from themselves.
I tear my gaze away from the reminder of my isolation and bring myself higher into the clouds. I touch their feathery wetness and feel their insubstantiality. They are soft and smooth, beautiful in their rich curls and graceful in their passage across the night sky, carefully and slowly blotting out the kingdom below. I could lose myself in these clouds and sometimes I forget my way home. But not tonight. This night I have turned eighteen and I will not spend it hiding from the world around me.
I return early from my nightly flight with a desire to speak to my mother. The cool air has cleared my head, and I have decided I no longer want to hide for the rest of my life, in the day or at night. I want to be seen for who I am without the illusion I am forced to wear and I want to be recognized for what I am and what I can do.
“Dramon, your mother wishes to speak to you upon your return. She is waiting in her chambers.”
The castle guard tipped his helmet to me and continued with his patrol. I’m still a little stunned at the coincidence, but it is highly possible my mother had been watching me. She always watches me, and watches over me. Being a great sorceress and a shape-shifter, there’s no telling, she might even be telepathic; or maybe it is just a mother’s intuition. I chuckle to myself and make my way down the tower, my tail twitching in amusement behind me, while my wings have been folded neatly against my body like a cloak.
I knocked quietly against her rosewood door and entered. She sat on her seat dressed in a white silk gown that clung loosely to her slim figure. Her black curls were freed from the cruel knot she donned in the day, her eyes like flashing emeralds turned to greet me.
“Ah, my son. I have waited a while to tell you this, but I feel that it’s about time I let you face the world regardless of whether they are ready for you. So I was thinking, if you’re ready, tomorrow I will present you before King Eros and request a place in the army for you. Hmm?”
She looked at me, her features a picture of seriousness, but one couldn’t help noticing the twinkle in her eye. She knew that this was an offer I could not turn down for I have oft complained of my current disposition asking her time and time again when she will be willing to release me into the world.
My answer to her question was simple. In just two strides I was beside her, sweeping her up into my arms and
twirling her around I planted a kiss on her cheek. It was easy for me to do this, being at least two heads taller than her. Father’s blood.
“Thank you, mother.”
It certainly looked like a lot of things were going change after this and I could not help but feel that I have a long journey a head of me and this was only the first step.
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|Thursday, November 18th, 2004|
12:25 am - A level update
lit was somewhat fine. i won't say more lest i sound too cocky. econs went down pretty badly but not as hellishly as history. history is like the devil gone to flaming hell... beyond redemption. i'm serious when i say i'll never live this down...|
went out for a wonderful dinner today. feel so loved. sigh... can't wait till the sleepover... just the two maybe three of us. sigh... movie marathon... i can't wait for the blasted As to be over along with the blasted grad nite. anyway i'm off to indulge in fanfiction before hitting the books again.
my life at the touch of the repeat button,
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|Friday, November 12th, 2004|
4:41 pm - just an update on my life, i figured i've ignored you long enough.. i'm just tired
population boom 1801-1850
quantity over quality
by 1850's produced over 1.2mil horsepower in the naval which is more than 1/2 of all of europe, considered impressive for a country that only possesed 1/10 of europe's population
1825 stockton-darlington, first railway, first railway station
1845-1847 4250km of rail laid (just 2 years)
flourished in the textile industry cause cloth was in demand due to war for sails, uniforms etc.
1850's was the leading industrial power
possessed an empire that stretched into africa, india, burma, malaya
inventions, spinning jenny
thomas newcomen invented initial model of the steam engine
james watts made improvement to model by adding a condenser founded on rotary motion that helped greatly in mining to pump out water from the mines
1844 Bank of England, official mint, controlled supply of bank notes and loans and taxes
1773 Stock Exchange
factory acts- regulated employment of children(only over the age of 13), hiring of women and no. of working hours (limited to 16 hrs a day)
coal fields in manchester, newcastle, liverpool
towns in the same area
average lifespan was 17 years for working children
sent representatives over to britain to observe industrial process, smuggled and they techonology back for steam engine
first railway Saint lyons etienne,1832
first passenger railway was 17km long
lyons sait etienne was famous for iron, coal and silk industries and production
emphasis on quality instead of quantity
alsace had machinery that produced high quality textiles
famous for locomotive and leading car industry until henry ford came with his invention of the production line
famous brands, peugeot, renault, schneider
produced locomotives and exported them to spain, italy, russia
1842 laws made clear that government would lease out and provide infrastructure to private companies willing to invest in France
attracted big companies like rothschild and prierre brothers
french revolution's revolutionary land settlement tied peasants to the land-hindered industrial progress
meline tariffs in 1892 further prevented people from moving away from the land to the industries as labour supply
emancipation of the serfs 1789
bordeaux, nancy and le creusot were towns
le creusot 1846-6000population, but by 1860, 16 000 population
marseilles was the biggest town port, exported, sulphuric acid, chemicals, cement, soap etc.
1834 zollverein provided economic unity
1850s built over 6000km of railway which constituted 1/2 the amount of tracks laid in britain and 2x the amount in france
first line built in 1835 in Bavaria connected dresden and leipzig
invested heavily in thomas-gilchrist method of steel production
by 1913, produced 277million of iron and 16.2 million of steel which far outstripped britain, france and russia combined
1896, mendeleyev and ivanovich dimitri two scientist one russian one german created the periodic table
1848, karl marx and fredrich engels published the pamphlet called communist manifesto
1883 radio waves, and a few years later the radio
unique for its speed even though it was one of the last to start industrialisation process, accomplished in a fraction of the time what it took britain 100 years to do
alfred krupp opens his arms factory in 1810 essen
emancipation of the serfs 1810
august borsig, built the first german model of the steam enging in 1825 and the first german locomotive in 1842
electrical and chemical industry famous
leading producer of chemical dyes, exported sulphuric acid which was essential in production of fertiliser used to feed the growing world population
electrical giants like siemens and AEG (common electrical company)
first model of a train run on electricity
invented gas mentels so production could continue on into the night
i studied like hell for this topic. all of the above information was churned out without reference to any notes. and industrial revolution was my best topic. what the fuck did they ask in the end?! democracy. democracy in industrial revolution was the greatest achievement in ir. it's not fucking fair. i studied like shit for this fucking exam it's not fucking fair. all that effort all those fucking sleepless nights for nothing. it's not fucking fair. i'll probabaly never live this down
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|Wednesday, November 10th, 2004|
10:23 pm - dessert
i was eating dessert my mum bought for me. it was very sweet and colourful. it made me smile. |
she was scolding me in the background. the words echo in my empty head...
'i don't know why i bother,
maybe i should just wash my hands off you...'
my hand was shaking, i was shaking... the next spoonful of dessert was salty and bitter...
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|Saturday, October 30th, 2004|
9:49 pm - Nada
hey ya'll i'm still around. just to tell you that. sylvester sim rox. must support him. we should go out. for SIMPLE dinner. i always say that but somehow or other we end up having some really expensive meal. anyway. i hope things remain pleasant. miss you guys. sorta. either that or i just need out. been cooped up in school way too long. been cooped up at home way too long too. anyway cya 'round...|
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|Friday, October 22nd, 2004|
2:58 am - i can't believe i did this at this godforsaken hour
It was years down the road. Recca and Kurei were now working together to retrieve all the lost madougu. It was a joint venture for the brothers, what with their history, what with their heritage, what with the blood that they shared, they owed it to their forefathers and their that they worked together to revive and salvage whatever they could of their clan’s lost history together. With kurei’s connections, expensive and difficult to obtain pieces could be carefully maneuvered out of the lime light and watchful eyes of avid collectors of Japan’s ninja artifacts. While the pieces trapped deep in the slimes and sludge of the underworld death kombats and assassination would be retrieved by Recca and his faithful band of friends who had together once long ago entered a Dark Matial Arts Combat under the title of ‘Hokage’.
It was difficult at first to put their differences aside. The numerous attempts on each other’s life was not easy to just brush off and bury in the past like just another memory. There was always that wariness and that fear of being backstabbed by a brother. But soon over time, the call of the same blood that ran in their veins bound them closer and closer together. They became a formidable team, renowned in the shadowy underworld and respectfully whispered with fear and admiration in dark corner on the streets of Tokyo in the wee hours of the morning amongst bands of lurking criminals and crime lords. They watched each others’ back now. With no room for mistakes, their skills had increased exponentially in the few years they worked together. Training and very real life and death situations had called for, demanded that synchrony in their attacks and oneness of thought. One could say they were inseparable. Almost.
“Nani?! Another one stolen?! At this rate we might as well guard the stash ourselves, then we won’t have to keep going out on missions to retrieve the weapons! I thought you were a professional?!”
“Stop complaining. You knew this was bound to happen.”
“What do you mean I knew it was bound to happen?! You said you had your best men guarding the artifact! God, I can’t wait till this damn collaboration is over! It’s been 3 bloody years!”
“Likewise, likewise. I’m getting sick and tired of your whining and complaining, Recca.”
So that was life for them the two brother, flame-casters born with the power to wield flame in the palm of their hands. One cursed, one eternal, both as powerful. Always the one-sided quarrel before a perfect retrieval. Regardless of their complaints of each other, both knew that their partnership would last long after their business dealings come to an end. Blood after all does run thicker than water, likewise by blood are these brothers bound to each other.
~In Vino Veritas~
It was a shy awkward start to their relationship. The ‘morning after’ that caught them off guard after that night proved to be a hard mental barrier to overcome. Their relationship had almost not materialized but after weeks of avoidance and sick with pining, there was a confession on a rooftop that changed their lives forever.
Her eyes shifted nervously from left to right as she shuffled on her feet. Being alone on a rooftop with him clearly made her uncomfortable. Her stomachs were doing flip-flops and she frankly didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Having no experience in such matters, she had decided all those weeks ago to avoid Mikagami. She would never live down the blush that arose every time she caught sight of him and recalled that morning when she opened her eyes to find his face just inches away from hers. They had fallen asleep on the couch with their noses almost touching. All she could do that time was stare. She took in the sounds of his soft moth-breath, noted the angle at this his lashes fell against his cheek, and when they fluttered open the clear blue of his eyes. She shook herself out of her reverie. She knew she was blushing again and it was worse now as he began to walk over to her. Hesitantly, she raised her pink stained face to meet his gaze. Eyes scrunched up in defiance, she asked brusquely, “ What did you want in calling me up here?”
There was a long pause.
Apparently, she wasn’t he only one who was feeling uncomfortable. Mikagami repeatedly brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck nervously as his eye seemed to dart about the place, conspicuously avoiding her. Finally, he took a deep breath and steadied his gaze on her as he reached out both hands to hold her firmly by the shoulders. His hold was not tight or possessive, but it was firm and amazingly gentle at the same time.
“Fuuko, I need to tell you something. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night. My thoughts keep going back to what you said. I know I shouldn’t hold you to your word because you were inebriated, but you said you loved me… and I can’t help but feel that I share that sentiment.” Here he broke eye contact and continued rambling, she had never seen him this way before, a complete ball of nerves, unsure and stumbling. It was inexperienced stumbling, candid, totally uncool, but sweet. Somewhere between his explanation about making lunch and thinking about her all the while, she stepped up on tip toes and planted a firm kiss on his lips.
There was initially the sense of disbelief of having found one another in such a way that was almost laughable. Neither had a history of being alcoholic, but still, the road to their union was fraught with stories of alcohol, beer cans and of course, spiked punch. Neither had thought it possible in a million years that such conflicting personalities as they had between them could ever have survived the fall-out from the numerous quarrels their relationship had weathered, but what they say about opposites attracting did after all hold some truth in it. Her blustery temper would always be calmed by the ease at which he moved against the flow of her arguments. He always found a way to pacify her, somehow.
“Extra lessons again?! Don’t you know when to quit? This is the fourth time this week you’re postponing our date! You better get this fixed before I fuujin your ass for playing me out again.”
“You know I don’t organize these extra lessons myself, Fuuko. Stop being unreasonable. I’ll make it up to you, I always do right?
“But, Mi-chan! It’s not the action but the principle behind it!”
“Why don’t you call Raiha out for a drink? Come home by 8 tonight and I’ll make sure it’s worth your while. Hmm?”
“I guess I’ll look forward to dinner then.”
Raiha had since then taken on the role of friend and confidante, there was no other way to put it. Bound by fate, they shared a twisted history together. With or without the Madougu, their shared experiences had forged an undeniably strong bond between them. Dinner that night may have been a mistake, but their friendship was not. Even if nothing serious had come of it, the intensity of emotions and the almost tangible thread of fate that connected them drew them together to look out for each other till the arrival of that fateful day when their psychic devices would decide who should live and who should die. Till then, all that is left is to savour and cherish that bond they shared.
So it draws to a close and the tale to an end, I can’t for sure say that they lived happily ever after because you dear reader know that it doesn’t happen that way. Life after all is not that simple, but these cherished moments, even if that is all they may be, mere moments, must be treasured and remembered. Relationships are formed but while some last some do not. So remember to hold dear what you have at the present moment and when the time comes to move on, remember that it’s the experience and the lessons learnt that count. Life and love are after all complicated things and it takes more than a lifetime to fully comprehend them.
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|Sunday, October 17th, 2004|
9:07 pm - Where have all the movie-goers gone?
sigh barely have time or money to watch movies these days and just recently i discovered the dilemma of horror movies. most of the time, the problem is that either you can't find anybody to go with you cause they're all just scared of getting scared or when they've already seen it. darn it. my timing's always off, i only even think about catching a movie after it's been out for more than a week... and by then there're no willing takers for a movie partner. ah well... just gotta act fast next time. i did after all vow to myself that i'd catch movies as per-normal regardless of exams or no. MOVIES!!!! ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!... basic necessities in life. anyway... ciao this entry is more to let you guys know that i'm still here and i'm not gone, not exactly anyway.but yar. watever. ciao
current mood: calm
current music: where have all the cowboys gone ~sheryl crow
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|Thursday, October 14th, 2004|
10:27 pm - wishing you...
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY!!!|
may life be good to you and lady luck shine on you. always always.
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10:22 pm - poetry
It starts with pencil then to pen
Next to marker then pen again.
The lines are sharp and blue
The words, fixed and black
But where is the pencil mark of years way back?
A small uncertain hand round a wooden stem
Shaky marks made to create
The moulding years of youth
Blackish-silver and wild
The pictures drawn in mirthful mood,
Bring manifold delight and smiles.
The translucent plastic filled with blue
Glides across the stiff straight lines
Spilling words onto the sheet
Turning the fair to blue and black
Where are the etchings of primary years?
Free arc and random design
Expressions of shades of emotions
Of the myriad of the mind
All captured in the small hand of a child…
But where are they under the inky layers
Of printed documents
Of annotated notes
Of filed proposals
Of reports, minutes, worksheets…
There they are, at the bottom of the stack
Blurred, smudged and black
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|Friday, October 1st, 2004|
8:40 pm - Nada
the scent of the canteen wafted across the air to the study area. the smell of oil and fat cooking, cooling, coagulating into one gelitine mass of yellow. i blocked out smell. the paper was rough against my arm and the splintered wood of the table harsh agains my sensitive skin. but it was the stinging sensation of the grooves of my pen biting into my finger tips that reminded me i was still alive. i had frozen in that position for quite a while. my grip tightened on my hand as i blinked my open eyes awake. my mind rousing itself from its retreat into the recesses of my brain. the words on the paper were logical and important, that much i knew, there was sense. yet still i stared on, incomprehesive of their meaning. i moved to write and my pen bled onto tha paper a swirl of blue.|
'1861 emancipation of the serfs... newly freed given 49 years to pay dues...'
on and on the lines went. with each word, each letter carved on the paper painstakingly, the grooves like sharp teeth bit into my peeling fingers and cracked flesh. the twinge kept me alive. it reminded me of my present bondage for a past decision and the promise of a future freedom. i kept at it. 6 hours later i was still there.
~ at home ~
peeling off the uniform blue i stepped into my pjs, mind still a blank, by far the sorest part of my being. the computer in my room flickered into life and the moving '1' and '0' came to life in a recognisable picture. my perusal of old photographs cut short by a mental twinge and a flicker of memory. scratchy and hazy like an old film i began to recall blue walls and spreading tropical palms. there was the rushing of flowing water nearby but most captivating of all was the chatter and laughter that surrounded me. i sounded so foreign so long ago yet so familiar and oddly comforting. there were short barks, and deep baritone chuckles, wild cackles and distinct chinese accented voices floating around me in a mirthful atmosphere. i leaned back against the wall behind me, ignoring the cracks on the floor and running up the wall. i observed the little sprouts of grass green from between the cracks and the little ants soldier along their path. there was an arm around my shoulder and a warm body next to mine. a friend. it was a comforting pressure, a comforting presence that undid the knot of my confusion and offered a safe niche to hide against. when i turned for a hug, there was always waiting arms...
most striking was the noisy incoherent voices raised to a fevered pitch of argument but amidst the chaotic flow of seemingly incongruous words and off tangent topics there was a deep understanding between them, between them and i.
i wonder, where is it now? i'm lost and those memories are getting dim. soon they will be replaced by a building with its cold glass surfaces and a community of glass and iron wrought beings.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Mizerable ~ Gackt
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7:47 pm - what's on my mind
i draw an absolute blank. in the course of one day three different people have told me that i look tired. but i don't feel it. the same way i don't seem to feel anything anymore these days. i don't feel tired, i don't feel bored, i don't feel sad or depressed, just this odd comfort of a complete void of feelings. it's curious that having not really spoken my thoughts for so long i don't seem to really have anymore thoughts. like i said, just a calming void. i still get angry or feel altogether too sickeningly happy over the largest of concerns and the smallest of things. but somehow i don't feel anymore burning hatred or anger towards any one particular person. |
the way i see it i've either sunk too fast, too deep into the cycle of brainwashing my school routinely puts me through as is required of the system, or i've achieved some obscure state of self satisfaction and self understanding.
this sense of calmness seems to border on the disturbing. i don't seem at all perturbed or ruffled about the fact that i may have very well failed history, econs and gp and did unexpectedly poorly for my literature. and it doesn't seem to upset me that with my current alleged prelim grades, i may very well not make it into NUS, SMU or NTU and may have to spend another 2-3 years of my life in a polytechinic trying to search again for a viable course to pursue for my life.
i am not agrieved or saddened even that yet another young healthy sweet healthy individual from my school has committed suicide. i knew her. lorraine. she was in my OG twice, once in j1 orientation, and another time when i was her OG leader. she was sweet and really lovely. i liked her very much when she was around yet i always sensed a thick cloud that seemed to cling to her where ever she went. she always had sad looking eyes and a sad smile. yet i seem to feel nothing at this loss...another valued individual lost at the cost of the system
studying doesn't seem tiring to me anymore, just something i do on a routine basis. my mind's a blank when i read my notes and each word is as though it's printed on a fresh page on a word document before it's saved for future reference. very techinical very unfeeling. literature seems dead to me as well. there's a formula to what i should be doing in order to get my grades, and sadly i follow it...
lastly i leave you with a poem i wrote a few days ago on the 29th of september during history lecture. it was pointless anyway, another statistical analysis of the percentages that lined the maroon seats of the new lecture theatre. without further ado, here it is...
Down With The System!...
The system! The system, system...
O! Bane of every existence-
Iron rules the burning tools-
Etching, Branding the minds of fools.
The system! The system, system...
Jibbering idiots and broken souls-
Fractured minds in bodies whole
Mindless, production line from schools.
The system! The system, system...
Spidery fingers digging deep-
Stealing dreams from the child asleep.
O system! Bane of existence! Avaunt!
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|Monday, September 27th, 2004|
9:57 am - enough is enough
i don't know you anymore. it's been too long a period of abstinence and i must say that you don't me anymore either. our conversations are dead, we take turns to talk, but no one understands and nobody listens anymore. we're on a different wavelength, and i'm sorry to say that if outings are to be like that, where i find myself waiting for conversations to begin and end so i can go home, i'd rather not go out at all. conversations are important to me, cause they are what builds the bridge between you and me, i'm not saying listen to me when i speak because you won't cause i'm too boring you'll tune yourself out. i'm just saying say something that sounds remotely like 'back then' at least a clue for me to pick up from where we left off. but nevermind, it's ok, it's too much to ask anyway.|
i'd just rathe slink away in defeat cause i've lost that will to fight, i'm gonna brood sulk and move on. you don't need killjoys like me, you're better off this way. less is more remember?
it's different from just 'starting over' cause there are memories and there are expectations, i suppose i can't expect a riot of a time everytime we hang out, but after nearly 3weeks of non-contact, the one outing i was looking forward to fell flat on its face. i recall the times when i'd just be dying to go out with you guys to laugh my head off at stupid jokes we crack about one another but, it doesn't work that way anymore. we've all grown up, we've sobered up, it's like the drunkeness of youth and the mirthful laughter has been cut short by all our growing responsibilities, duties and overbearing workload. it's not the same anymore.
besides i'm not someone who can thrive in times of peace. i need conflict to drive me on. some kind of friction, a small spark. i need a problem to solve. the moment things settle down i become inactive and i switch off. it's to do with the fact that i perform better under pressure, on the floor, i can move on my toes, fast enough, but when there's a lull period, the initial enertia will be my undoing. so apart from this apology to my sudden withdrawal, i must apologise to those whose hope rested on me. i'm sorry that one so badly assimilated as myself can offer no help to you in this case not only because the unreceptive will not listen, but also because i just can't be bothered to try and to care anymore. it's tiring, the home i thought i could return to was demolished overnight and i didn't even know it happened. i shall wander till i find a more suitable shelter, i thank you for your charitable hand in the time and hour of my need i'll never forget your kindness nor your loving spirit you showed me when i needed it most. it's heartless i know, but now that i can stand and walk on my own two feet i'll me moving on...
current music: the rushing of my thoughts through my mind
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12:14 am - URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
WHO'S FREE TOMORROW? AROUND FIVE-ISH? IT'LL BE THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I'M GONNA BE GOING OUT BEFORE THE A LEVELS. WHO CAN MAKE IT? A TRIP TO HMV FOLLOWED BY DINNER. ANY INTERESTED PARTIES?|
URGENT MSG PLS IM OR SMS ME. I'LL BE ONLINE TILL 5:30AM TODAY!!!
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|Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004|
2:18 am - Point Of View
Point of View|
The journey to the west is long and tedious. There were trials and tribulations that we met along the way, but none as trying as the long drive itself. Everyday we had to battle ourselves. In the enemies we fought we saw our lives being reflected back at us. Their terror as we cut through them a mirror for our own fear that coursed through our veins and flowed round our body with the pumping of our hearts. Their shrieks of pain before death similar to our contempt of our own lives and the daily pains that reminded us that we are alive. So many parallels between them and us, I no longer understand the distinction I make between us. My senses of self slips as I search the eyes of mine enemy, are we not all bound by the same metaphysical laws, are we not all made the same way? Youkai. We’re all the same.
I fight another and another and another. They rush at me one after another; there is no chance for rest nor pause for breath. I hear the cracking of bones beneath my weapon, and learn the frailty of life with each strike. I watch mine enemies incinerate in each blast of raw energy till not even a particle is left to tell of their passing and I ponder my own temporal existence before being swept away together with the dust. Each slash, each cut, each drop of blood shed by my scythe reminds me of my pained blood drenched existence. What more is life than the struggle for survival the search for a validation for my being. What more meaningful than the search itself for meaning.
At the end of the fight, at the end of each interruption there is not an extra thought spared to pick up the pieces of destroyed lives. After all, the dead turn to dust and are swept away. We are all same but we are not the same, similar but not identical. What should I care if you fell dead beside me, what should they care if I did the same? The worst kind of isolation the kind amongst a familiar crowd, I heard someone say that before. These words these teachings are the only link between you and me. We moved as one but when the time comes we are all separate strains of existence, as separate as the sun is from the moon and the sky is from the earth. Elemental in our natures, we return to the elements.
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|Sunday, September 19th, 2004|
11:11 pm - Stream of Thought...Rapids of a Teenage Mind
mum's been irritating today. won't launch into yet another complaint about her antics.|
*points up* read that. funny thing that happened some time ago while i was studying in school with some friends.
btw, don't get me wrong i tried to update but blurty was like on a read only mode... what shit lah.
got a call from sara today. i'm sooooooo happy!!! i miss her like hell! sigh... can't wait to see her again.
fma still got the best of me. brainwashed my dad today. big achievement. he conceded that he first episode was not bad. wow.
mum was a bitch the whole time. irritating the shit out of me. lucky dad and bro were at home to difuse the situation. i love my family tho... no matter wat. there's probably some shit bothering her at work. must try to be sympathetic...
an idle mind is the devil's workshop
studied dhlawrence today, renewed my vows of eternal love with my text.
charlie if you read this i still want you in my harem. say you'll be mine. haha.
*blowsaraspberry* and you can't do anything about wat i say on my blog. hah! take that! En Guarde!!
i'm currently carrying round a nokia bag with my s paper selection of bk in it. it's totally spastic.
i miss you everybody. i hope we all get back together again. let's put it all behind us. all the troubles all the woes all the misunderstandings. i don't wanna fight anymore, i don't want this worry i don't want this anxiety. hear my words and hear my plea behind my words.
take care ya'll exams'll be over soon. then it's just the As.. and then we're done. look forward. don't let the obstacles block out the sun. keep moving forward... (so cliched!!! tt's from fma btw... haha)
3.10.80 is my bro's b'dae btw... and 3rd oct is the day that ed and al burned down their house... how coincidental is that?
i don't know wat to get for my bro on his b'dae...
i'm rambling cause there was so much i wanted to say but i can't get it back rite now the only things that come to mind are the dates and events for Industrial Revolution.
i'm reading fma fics these days. will move on to smth else soon...
... and i think this entry has been made sufficiently long to make up for all the missing time so i'll end here...so...
you all mean something to me, always, no matter what happens. forever. (or at least until i go insane or get amnesia or start losing my memory with age and disease...heh)
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|Thursday, September 2nd, 2004|
6:49 pm - Exchange
It was close to 12mn when she stepped in through the front door. Her mother was in the hall reading the newspapers by the window.|
'Oh you're back. So how was school?'
'...' she muttered smth unintelligible.
'Did you say something?'
'You know if you have something so say you should speak up. Why do you look so melancholy all the time?'
'It's been a long day. I'm tired, I'm going to bed.'
She folded the paper and dropped them on the coffee table ungracefully.
'You're such a weed. I'm sick and tired of this. I can't keep up with you anymore, you and all your mood swings. I'm human too, you know. If there's something wrong you should be talking about it not pushing me away. I'm your mother for Godssake!'
"Have you ever been so tired after a long day that you brain just wants to shut down? But it can't so a pain just builds up and intensifies in waves at your temples and at the back of your head. Where your eyes tear constantly from just sheer tiredness, your lips are cracked and peeling, there's a pressure building up at the base of your throat that spreads to your chest to suffocate you? Breathing becomes difficult and your saliva just collects in you mouth cause your tongue is too thick and heavy to swallow. When you stand up your legs don't work and you just fall over and when you're bent double all you want to do is puke and collapse."
'Well have you? Have you?! No! So Shut UP!!'
She did not get to say anything else and all that resounded through the house was a loud slamming of the door followed by soft muffled cries...
It was hours later and the cries still had not stopped, but it had calmed down considerably to a soft whimpering and the alternating hiccup. Her hand had been raised for a while now poised to knock, she had tried the door earlier but found it locked. But then, just then, she turned away.
At this age, they prefer to suffer alone...
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|Tuesday, August 31st, 2004|
11:47 pm - IMPT ANNOUNCEMENT...
i initially wanted to bitch abt my bro being a prick but he was being nice today so i shall not. but this is just a LIST to tell WHOEVER IT MAY CONCERN, what i already have and therefore not to get me for whatever STRANGE and ESTRANGED reason...|
all the comic series i've every been interested in
all the art books i ever wanted
a nice new pendent from my dad i promised myself i'd never take off come hell or high water
all the soundtracks i could ever want
all the OVAs i need to get
all the books i ever dreamed of reading
enough posters to last me a life time
the best friends in the world
good home cooked food by my wonderful dad
a brand new old seiko watch [which is pretty expensive...]
basically i'm trying to say that i have everything i ever wanted and that life is good and that in terms of material possessions i'm fully satiated and don't want or need anything from anyone. i love you guys and that's what really counts in the end...
b4 i go off...
mum's getting me a new phone at the end of the year already.
and i don't want a dvd drive for my com. thx...
i'm just trying to cover all angles here... sorry if it feels looks or sounds excessive.
i love you!!!!
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|Sunday, August 29th, 2004|
2:10 pm - sigh...things begin to slow down...
wanted to draw smth for my long lost cuz yesterday, but couldn't find anything suitable. i found a very psychotic fanart of sephiroth sitting in a library cleaning his masume after decapitating jenova with her head beside a desk lamp. wanted to print tt out and draw it. but cause my printer ink is like drying out i couldn't get a good print. man i so wanted to draw it. the shading was exquisite and the picture was so dark and psycho...|
i ended up drawing gon freeces from hunterxhunter instead. it turned out ok, but mediocre as always... i realised that i have absolutely no idea how to shade the face... sigh... need to experiment and find out.
sigh it's slow moving. haven't been writing much. alternating between writing, reading fics, drawing and studying. hardly anything else to do... and i was looking through my sketch book and i realise that throughout the course of this year i've only drawn like 6 pictures... they're full pics yar but only 6... tt's pathetic... sigh. going to attempt fahy's context qn now.. ta ta!
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