02:40am 16/01/2004
  IT MAKES ME HAPPY IN FUZZY PLACES!!!!!  
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03:34am 07/12/2003
  If Ben should happen to read this..

OHHHHH
you don't know what you missed.

Major revelation was on it's way....

Just remember what you gave it up for.



(For everyone else... have several entries to post, just haven't yet. Sorry)
 
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12:15pm 10/10/2003
  So... yeah. I took this quiz, and I'm not sure whether to find is amusing, interesting or disturbing....

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:High
Schizotypal:High
Antisocial:High
Borderline:Low
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:High
Dependent:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --



Oh, well.... life is more fun when you are crazy.



While I was there I also took this quiz. I found the results highly amusing... but I better not tell them that, I would probably get level six for that.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Low
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
 
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I've gone to find myself. If you see me before I get back, tell me to wait   
02:40am 10/10/2003
 
mood: restless
music: John Mayer
I'm getting restless... I can feel it settling into my bones and creeping around under my skin. It lurks it the dark corners of my mind and cuts off normal thoughts on their way to action with jeering taunts. It's inside of me wanting to be free, but I keep holding it back telling it to wait--that it's time will come. But it's getting anxious I've broken out my lion tamers whip, chair, and khaki fedora to begin my dangerous circus dance to tame the beast. I don't think I can hold it back any longer... in truth I don't want to.

I'm ready to be free. I'm ready to throw my ante in on the game of life (I ready to stop speaking in metaphors).

I get like this every so often... at least once a semester. I start to feel like I'm wasting time. Like I keep preparing for something but I'll never actually get to it. I'm beyond ready to be on my own living my own life and actually doing all these things that I've spent the last 20 plus years preparing for.

This time it's really bad though. I was shopping with Mom the other day and I caught myself in the home appliance section staring longingly at table settings and blenders. No I'm not becoming domesticated (God, that will be the day). I just can't wait til I have a house, or better yet, an apartment of my own that I will need to shop for those types of things to furnish. Today was even worse, I almost reached the breaking point. I skipped class because I was too restless to sit through it and I went Lexington. I said I was going to shop, and my paycheck was burning a hole in my pocket, but all I really did was window shop and dream. I was in the craft store for at least an hour looking at picture frames and all the neat stuff I could use to decorate a place of my own that would be impractical in a dorm. I went to I don't know how many clothing stores telling myself: "You'll have things like that in your wardrobe when you have a real job to wear them to". And when it was all almost too much to bear I came back and made-up some hours at work (that I missed with my head injury--least that why I told them I wasn't coming in).

After work I went to Wal-mart to do my grocery shopping for this paycheck. I was there for almost two hours wandering through the aisles trying to find food that wasn't "dorm" food. Food that was real, things I would fix if my kitchen consisted of more than the corner where the fridge and microwave are stacked.

People ask me why I don't move out of the dorms, get an apartment. It would be academic suicide. If I had a taste of freedom... at this point it would be like offering a beer to an alcoholic. From there, there is no choice but the downhill slide. Before I knew it I would be dropped out of school working at one of the local factories. Or be like so many of my supervisor--half in this world and half in the real world and it would take me another 20 years to finish my degree. I'm so close, one more semester and my internship, that there's no point in taking too many chances.

I'm such a walking contradiction. I want nothing more than freedom, the chance to get a place get out on my own and start my real life where I make all these things happen that I've so been looking forward to. But at the same time... Growing up is one of my top three fears (a distant second to spiders but a close third to needles). I want to grow up, but I don't want to be a grown up. I'm deathly afraid of losing that kid inside me... the one I so often hide--not because I'm afraid of acting childish, but because I'm afraid someone will see it and tell me to leave it behind in my pursuit of "adulthood".

I am an adult, I have been for several years. Just ask my little brother, he was subjects to great amounts of my acting maternally at the age of nine (which at that time mostly consisted of yelling at him to do his chores, even though he was only 5 and didn't' have chores). I want to start living like an adult.

I want a great apartment somewhere, and by great I don't mean one of those that you get an echo if you yell down the hall. Someplace may 1.5 to 2 times the size of my dorm room would suit me just fine (as long as I live alone and keep in mind I have a really big dorm room). I think a cramped apartment would be the best. I could get more creative and my stuff would be in every room, filling every inch of the space with me. I could have that organized clutter that I love so much, a nice cozy feel. My kitchen would be my favorite room, regardless. And I cook! I'm not a great cook, but I still love to do it. It's like mini-lab experiments that don't run the risk of causing explosions--well, not always. I could sit in MY window and eat ice cream or drink a glass of white wine with a couple of candle lit with mish-mashed scents, so the place smelled like cinnamon and vanilla at the same time. I could curl up on the couch with my kitten (her name is Shelby btw but she has to live with my Mom while I still live in the dorms) stretched out on my chest batting at strands of my hair. I could do it all, or nothing at all....

and I just can't wait.
 
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My evening prayer....   
07:19pm 08/10/2003
 
mood: horny
Dear Jesus--

If I have ever in this life down anything that you would find rewardable or has struck favor with you.. Then, please, answer this one simple prayer for me:

Please, oh holy savior, let that 6 foot cinnamon god sitting the front row come over here and jump me. Let him ravage me in any way that he should see fit, for I know that I would indeed enjoy it.

It's not alot to ask, hallowed one... is it? But if it is, then just let him stay 'til 9. Let my work hours pass in blissful serenity of staring at those chiseled features, dark eyes, and cinnamon color beautiful skin. (Jesus! Don't do this too me!!! Tell him not to stretch like that again unless I am underneath him!!!) Oh, better yet... if ever you were going to curse one of these hell-born computers... DO IT NOW, and let it be his. Let me spend hours if necessary sitting inches from him, making conversation and tending to his every (computer) need.

Look at him, Jesus, just look at him! Lounging so casually, long legs stretched and that deeply concentrating look on his face...

I have wronged you, haven't I? That's why you curse me like this. Look but don't touch....

They need to install cold showers in here....
 
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02:13am 04/10/2003
  I should do a serious entry... but it's just not going to happen tonight.


All I can say...

I LOVE MY ROOMRATE

if only you'd been here this weekend Mel....

2x
 
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I lied   
02:04am 04/10/2003
  I lied to myself and to everyone else...

I am still in love with Billy to a great extent. I don't want to get back with him... but he will be the standard that I measure all other guys against. I just hope I didn't make too much of an ass of myself tonight when I told him that.
 
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02:39am 03/10/2003
 
mood: bitchy
Deny me if you think you can

There's a breach in your security
I'm inside you finally
My objective: distort your view
Wreck the very core of you

Tantalize, compromise your position
Dismantle your desires
Contaminate and deface your convictions
Recreate your state of mind

And when your thoughts have been cleansed and corrected
We'll celebrate the day
When everything that you are is rejected
That's when I'll have my way

Defy me if you think you can
But I always get my man
And before this night is through
I will corrupt you

I’ve had enough of your integrity
Your devotion sickens me
If there’s a fracture in your moral ground
I’ll find the break and I’ll bring it down

And you will swear to a brand new allegiance
Hope to die and cross your heart
You’ll abandon the things you believe in with total disregard

And as the flag of your past life is burning
We’ll dance around the fire
Swept away by the tides that are turning
You’ll succumb to my desire

Defy me if you think you can
But I always get my man
And before this night is through
I will corrupt you

There’s a breach in your security

And when your thoughts have been cleansed and corrected
We'll celebrate the day
When everything that you are is rejected
That's when I'll have my way

Defy me if you think you can
But I always get my man
And before this night is through
I will corrupt you

--"Corrupt" by Karissa Noel


I am such a bad person
 
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Hee hee hee   
05:19pm 29/09/2003
  I am here to officially retract any statement I may have previously made that allouded to my high moral standards and superiortiy... I am now willing, if not excited to admit that I am such a petty bitch. Tee hee

Billy, my now ex-boyfriend who has been mentioned previously in this journal, once dated a girl who lived across the hall from. The untold amounts of drama this caused, I do not have time to recall now. (My fucking dorm was Melrose Place there for awhile.) I hate her, I once came within an ace of knocking on her door for the sole purpose of cleaning her clock. The degree to which I have hated her can not be quantified. Sara, may you die a thousand horrendously painful deaths and smolder in hell for the rest of eternity. (Have faith she deserves my loathing.)

Anyway, Sara used to be this almost anorexic chick who proud of the fact she didn't eat and would at the same time use it for pity. She was very proud of the way she looked a presented herself and loved to tell me and my old roomie how much prettier, skinnier, and bigger busted she was. Can you blame me for wanting to deck her?

Well she's here. She sitting ten feet from me working at a computer... I'm so happy.

She has blown up like fucking balloon (at least 50 or 60 pounds)and, though I'm sure she thinks she's stylin', she looks as though she got dressed in a pimp's closet without the lights on.

This shouldn't make me happy. It is petty and trite to be joyed by this. I don't give a flying fuck though. She's fat, she's ugly, I'm esstatic...
 
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Nothing in particular   
03:19pm 29/09/2003
  I should be studying... but I don't feel like it, I feel like writing in here instead. So guess which one I'm doing (of course you don't have to guess, you're reading this so it's perfectly obvious).

I don't really have anything to say. I could drag out one of my ever-ready soapboxes to get up on... but then I'll NEVER study.

I dislike creating entries when I have nothing to say because then I end up just randomly jumping from topic to topic. It's makes it read like a travel itinerary, which annoys me... Here we go anyway:

Speaking of travel inteneraries... (subtle, right?)

My roomie and pseudo-roomie are going to England this weekend and I'm kinda... more like extremely, jealous. I'm also v. excited for them. They are bouncing off the walls in anticipation. They are going to a convention of sorts and will actually get to meet some of thier (not all because Billy Boyd won't be there) fav LoTR actors.

I wish I was going so bad. I'm not as much of a crazed fan as they are but I will still love to go to London... and I will someday Dammnit!

Actually I'm planning on going next year. Next spring I am going to Spain for a study aboard, and I figure, hell, how many chances am I going to get to Europe. So here's my plans. I will fly into London (b/c it's actually cheaper) two weeks before I have to be in Madrid. Rent a car. Drive to Edinburgh and spend at least a week "backpacking" Scotland (someplace I have ALWAYS wanted to go). Then I'll take my rental car back to London catch a lift across the canal and take 4-6 getting to Madrid by train (I can get a great railpass fairly cheap). I will go through northern France and northern Spain to get there and then go see my Granada and southern France on the way back.

For the record, yes, I started saving up last year.

Now I'm daydreaming about Scotland... I wish my Eddie was online.

Eddie is this guy I "know" from Scotland. It's an online friendship, except he's hardly ever online. I really enjoy talking to him... ::sniff, sniff::

Oh, well.

I haven't decided yet, but I think it would freakin' awesome to meet him when I go to Scotland. He is essentially the only person I know there. But at the same time... it seems kinda wierd. I've never met in person anyone I've met online. I'm not entirely sure what I think about the idea.

Pft... I still have a year and a half before it's anywhere close to being an issue.

Okay, no more delays... must study.
 
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04:34am 28/09/2003
  So much to say... so little sleep...

--Went to a great hockey game tonight (felt bitch factor dropping )
--Went to UK game (not just went...sat on front row, 50 yd. line--had to stand up to see over the Florida team)
--went home this weekend (happy b-day Mom and Dad)
--had a v. interesting exp Friday... (wink, wink)

need sleep... must work tomorrow.

will prolly post more then to avoid doing homework.
 
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So much for that idea...   
09:24pm 24/09/2003
  Well I tried to avoid him...but he found me anyway. Figures.

He launched into this huge lecture about how I was so rude to him last time I talked to him. The last time being the last time I successfully avoided him at work just to run into him at Wal-mart later that night (I think it's been scientifically proven anyone you don't want to see... you will run into at Wal-mart). My question is, if I'm so rude to him, why does he continue to talk to me??
 
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DAMN IT!!!   
06:31pm 24/09/2003
  I'm not good at avoiding people. It just goes against my natural instincts. I would rather face them head-on. But damn it! I've tried telling this guy off to his face... and he just doesn't get it. And more than that, he makes me really uncomfortable. He's one of those guys who doesn't like to take "no" for an answer, if you know what I mean.

Well he's here, he's in the computer lab. I don't think he's seen me yet, he went in the other room. But now he's between me and the only person who will help me avoid him. And I'm stuck here in this damned fishbowl with a shit load of windows, so it's not like I can hide and not be obvious about it....

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.... why me?
 
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TAKE THAT!!!   
02:52am 24/09/2003
  I did it! I killed a spider!!!!

And not some itsy-bitsy little mo-fo! No, it was a big ass black widow looking thing, a I killed it!!!!

Yeah me!!!

Now... I think I'm going to pass out. I'm trembling like a leaf...

Need to go to bed... but still, YEAH ME!!!!
 
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Having your cake and eating it too   
04:30pm 22/09/2003
 
mood: mischievous
music: Melissa Ethridge: Breakdown Album
In the past couple of weeks I've heard the topic of bisexuality tossed around enough to spark my interest in discussing it, and in fact more than mildly spark. For some perplexing reason it's also sparked an incessant craving from Melissa Ethridge music... go figure. Since I have essentially turned this journal in to my own not-so-private soapbox for these types of musing I decided this was as good a place as any to take on this subject.

I've heard bisexuality discussed in many diverse settings; from tv and in fact all popular media, to friendly discussion amongst my friends, and not-so friendly disscussion with small-minded people, to even a v. educated classroom setting. It's this last one that sparked perhaps my favorite of these conversations (but ripping small-minded people new assholes is a v. v. v. close second). Last semester I was forced (I was a slave to cirriculm and schedule, it was entirely against my will) to take a class on evolution. Typically I avoid this subject. Evolution is the sort of thing that I feel I know enough about, from a scientific point of view, to launch a good debate. At the same time I'm not entirely sure where I would stand in that argument: third row far left, or an aisle seat in the back. But despite my aversion to the topic I did secrectly enjoy the class if only for the bi-weekly opportunity to get people's blood boiling and raise enciendiary topics... which may I say, the task was left entirely to me and one other guy who took our responsiblity in this facet quite seriously, we took it so seriously that even though on many things we felt the same way we were not above fighting amongst ourselves from across the room with the professor as a silently interested and fearful bystandard. The class was peopled with a v. varied group. Me and Matt as instigators, a few bible bangers who really didn't care what was discussed their job was simply to sit by and tell us we were all going to hell, die-hard Darwin fans (who I doubt really understood what should and shouldn't be accredited to the man), the few people who were actually trying to decide their stance for themselves, and the ones who stared at us as though they were lost and offered such insightful commentary as "because that's what the book said".

Well towards the end of the semester things got interesting as humans finally drug their way out of th primoridal soup of history and we could begin talking about them... and thier sexual behavior. Among the topics was a group of chimapanzes, because according to modern theory humans are just another typr of chimip---and before anyone says it no we aren't monkeys or gorrilas there is a subtle difference (take that Dr. Frisbee, I was paying attention). Now these chimps are v. unique because they will fuck anything with fur that doesn't move fast enough. Hi, fuck. Bye, fuck. Welcome to the group, fuck. I disagree with you, fuck. It was their answer to everything, not 'lets talk about it' (they are chimps afterall), it was 'lets fuck for it'. Guys, girls, it didn't matter. Maybe it's just me but this seems like an excellent way to go about your buisness, replace wars with orgys, hatecrimes with blowjobs. Okay, maybe it is just me....

*****I'm getting to the topic at hand, I promise. But I do have another two hours here at work so I make no promises to how much babbling I'll do before then.*****

Well the discussion of these rather promiscuious animals naturally led around the topic of bisexuality. Try to keep in mind that I felt it my personal job to say enflammatory things in this class soley to see what kind of argument I could start. It was with that in mind that I suggest that bisexuality was, in today's society, the ultimate in luxury living. In much the same way that cigarrettes, obesity (not so much now but think Ethopian children on TV comercials), drinking, dining out, and a hundred other things are supposed to be the signs that we are a society with too much time and wealth on our hands we could, in theory, classify sex the same way. In a world where we are over populated, there are a wealth of variety of contraceptive, we have all the wonders of modern science at our fingertips, and orphanges and foster homes are running over with children who NEED homes it's not exactly as we have to copulate to reproduce or in some instances it's not as though we want to. There are other options. So why don't we just quit having sex entirely? Because we like it. Let's be honest, we don't like it--we love it. Well that's all good and natural, so where does bisexuality come in. How I get from cigarettes to women eating other women out and men who like to give head (other than those of us who enjoy a smoke post-coitus). Well, if sex is the ultimate indulgence why can't we have our cake and eat it too? (No pun intended, but still amusing).

If we don't have to reproduce then we are not bound by responsiblity to do the act that will lead to conception. To that end, to me, and once again this could be entirely my warp P.O.V., I can't see much difference on a biological level with homosex and heterosex with a condom (or other form of contraceptive). If done right then the outcome should be the same, big fucking smiles for everyone and no babies. And if the same people banging someone of the same sex want to do someone of the opposite sex of well... more power to them. The joys of living in a society where you have the freedom to follow your libido wherever it make take you.

Even if we leave Darwin aside for the moment (note the misuse of the name-dropping when he never discussed this subject among his rants about barnacles and pidegons--See Dr. Frisbee I did learn something) and look at sex from a completely different angle, namely the emotional angle then bisexuality makes even MORE sense.

When someone asks you what you look for in a partner, isn't the corect answer supposed to be "personality"? Great, grand, wonderful. Well what if that personality that you are supposedly so atracted to happens to be sported by someone of the same sex. Is that it? Game over. Try again? Doesn't make a hell of alot of sense does it. Unless we are supposed to be basing our partner decisions on physical attributes. But in a world where we are from infancy baraged with sexual imagery for both sexes how are we not supposed to form an appreciation for the phsyical prowess of both genders. Our only other option (which sadly is choosen so v. often) is to appreciate the ones that are Politically Correct and to judge ourselves against the rest.

::pulls out soapbox label "Images of Women in the Media and thier Negitive Effects on our Daughters", debates it, decides to leave it for a latter date and pushes it back in the closet (once again, no pun intended)::

I appreciate the female form, even beyond the "I wish I had her hips" mentality. I feel comfortable enough with myself to look at a women and think that she is more than resonably attractive. And this does not bother me in the least.

Well I'm losing steam on this particularly delicous rant. Should the appetite return, fear not, I will indulge myself more. In the meantime:

If you have found my musings in anyway offensive or enciendiary (::pats self on back::) please tell me so. I am interested in all commentary, even that which include insults, bad jokes, profanity, or praise. The only thing I'm not particularly interested in is people whose response would be along the lines of we can't feel that way because God tells us not to. Now I've read the Bible, not cover to cover word for word I confess, but I've never really seen the part that leaps off the page and says I'm going to burn in hell for discussing these things. And, truth be told, I don't want them pointed out to me (Sarcastabitch's issues with the bible will be saved for a later date. I've potentially already lit enough fires, let me dance among these flames for a bit--this pun intended--before you banish me to the next ones.) But if you need to post with that type of reply, be warned. If I am unable to supress my replying commentary I can probably guarentee that it will not be complientray in anyway.

I should probably note that personally I've never gave the subject enough thought for my own thoughts and emtions to write MY answer in stone. But I've been living quite happily as a heterosexual for the last 21 years and see point in rocking the boat just yet (except when I take a v. long depressing look at some of the male speciems availbale to me at this moment in time). And even more importantly... women are psychotic. I think for me two of them in a relationship is just above and beyond the insanity quota (I come pretty close to meeting the quota by myself sometimes).

LOVE YOU ALL (take it however you want)!!!!!

yes, I am being a cheeky sacastabitch
 
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Musings...   
02:46am 20/09/2003
  *****Disclaimer***** I am tolerably inhiberated.

I have to realize that at this point in my journal it must seem like I drink almost constantly. Truth be told, it's not that, it's just that I always feel like mentioning in here and I always feel like writing in here when I've had a few...

Anyway, the reason I felt like posting.... gimme a sec... I'm sure I'll think of it...

OH YEAH!!

A couple of hours ago, after a second glance at the clock... better make that several hours ago, anyway at some period in the not-so-distant past... around 3 o'clock this afternoon (there is a point coming just be patient with me, thoughts taking extra long time to take it to keyboard) I made a decision, I decided I was going to have a helluva good time this weekend. With that idea in mind I came home picked out my favorite Friday night party music loaded up on some carbs (better for alcohol to sit on--no point in getting sick), took a nap to be well rested and dolled myself up. Then I went to a friends party in Berea...had a great time, made decent attempt at a keg-stand (no where near the record but presentable none-the-less... etc. etc.

Tomorrow, Saturday (SATURDAY IS A RUGBY DAY!!), I'm going to Kam's rugby game at UK. I'm v. excited I haven't been to a rugby game in ... well too long. I miss it so much and listening to Kam talk about it all the time, although I LOVE listening to her stories so much, does make me a little sad, I wish I could still play.

Anyway, the point I originally intended to make was that I have every intention of having a fantastic weekend and I believe I'm well on my way to that end...

G'NITE!
 
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Excuses for honesty   
12:34pm 19/09/2003
  Why, in today's society and everyday relationships, do we need excuses to be not only honest but entirely open? For some us it is the excuse of a trauma or the things that absolutely need to be said because of overpowering circumstances. Things that otherwise would have gone unsaid are released only because of necessity. But why? What would the harm be in saying and sharing these thing at any time and for no particular reason at all?

I am, of course thinking at the moment of something that is personally sparking this rant. Hunter and I spoke briefly this evening about the things that she's afraid to tell me until the issues in her life become unbareable and she just has to get it out. I hate that, but I understand why she does it...

But that brief snippet of conversation has set the wheels spinning and my mind has been pondering this issue on a broader plain... I've been debating the many ways that we hold things back from the ones closest to us, both physically and emotionally. In Hunter's case she holds things back from me because of our emotionally proximity. We are almost too good of friends to share these sorts of things. But there are other relationships in our life that we hold thoughts and feelings back from because of physical proximity. It is my deeply help belief that this is one reason why the internet is so insanely popular. When you can't and don't have to see that potentially judgmental glint in someone’s eye, or don't have to face a reaction, or even when you can simple close a conversation window or internet browser when issues become too uncomfortable... then it becomes so much easier to share.

A friend that I work with and I were discussing this earlier this week. The relationships that people form over the net are sometimes as emotionally binding if not more so than some of the relationships we form with people right next to us. We instinctively feel more at ease in sharing troubling and deep thoughts and feelings... like the priest on the other side of the confessional whose face you never need to see....

This bothers me somewhat even though I too am guilty of it. I was telling my roomie last night that it's odd the way that I feel that I can write things in this journal that I would never have the balls to enunciate, even though I know that Kam and Mel read this journal. So why don't I just say it to them? Why do I type it out and send it into the great blackness of the world wide web so the information can travel the great distance across my room, and whole ten feet, or across the hall, thirty feet at most. Where is the logic in it?

There isn't any. It's not logic that makes me do, it's comfort. It's the safety in never having to out and out admit to things that I know that they know. We can all play stupid and go about our lives as if it had never been said at all. Isn't that lovely and wonderful?

Not in the least. I feel like such a sham. A liar for lack of a better word. As Mel and I sit here, each deeply involved with our own corner of cyberspace in the real space we share it as if we are merely acquatiences who happen to have plugged our selves into the wall in close proximity to each other... And yet for most of the days this is an accepted if not invited state of being.... Does this not trouble anyone else????

But I'm guilty of more than hiding behind my keyboard. I use other excuse to bring out my honesty. Other means of finding my comfort zone of social interaction. I think alot of us are guilty of this one... I just don't know how many of us will admit to it. Well I'll give you a hint... if it's a provocation of emotional honesty, it tears down the social barriers between people who maybe should and shouldn't have any barriers at all....

Has anyone guessed it yet? It is the great destroyer of inhibitions... CH6O.... ethanol... alcohol, and in my case as of late... my good friend Jack, Jack Daniels.

Under the influence of alcohol I have had some the best conversations of my life. They were deep, they were honest, they were sincere and they were thought provoking... And it is a GOD DAMNED SHAME that I can't do it when sober. Not that I wouldn't be perfectly willing to live with that kind of honest in all of my interactions, but I lack the nerve to impose that kind of reality on the other party without the nudge in the ribs from my glass. And it's wholly upsetting! I'm pissed as hell!

I want to be able to spark that with certain people whose opinions I value so highly without having to be high. I want to be drunk on laughter not JD (not that I dislike JD), but it's a poor substitute. I want to go to bed and be moved by thought, not go to bed and have the world move around me... I want so much.

And yet even as I say this I know that I lack the ability to do anything about it. Not until everyone wants this openness, and I can know that indefiniantly, will I feel comfortable to speak openly like that to the ones I do have to look in the eye.

So... until then... I still have my keyboard, and I still have my drink.... But even without them, I still know that I have good friends, regardless of the over abundance of silence.
 
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Am I ready to get back in the saddle?   
11:17pm 17/09/2003
 
mood: mischievous
music: The incesant clicking of keyboards... (at work)
It's only been since April that Billy and I broke up... only... Okay, I realize that it has been almost five months. It's not that I'm stuck on him or on some huge break-up binge. In fact he and I split pretty amicably. When I said amicably I mean we sat down and said, "This isn't working for you, This isn't working for me, I'm glad you said it cause I've been thinking the same thing, Can we keep it exactly like it is just change the title from bf/gf to friends? Cool" I mean you can't get any friendlier than that. And if the truth be told I had felt more like a friend and less like a girlfriend for quite awhile. It's just that no matter how much of a bitch I am I don't have the balls to break up with people... it's just not in me.

So why am I going on about a relationship that's been over for almost half a year? I stand by my earlier statement that I'm not stuck on it... it's just that my outlook on relationships has changed alot since then. Actually I think my outlook changed back when I first realized that B. and I weren't going to work. I started to get that cold feeling in my heart that I didn't think I was capable of loving. I mean I love my family and my friends, but I don't feel as if I have the energy to keep up the interest in a real relationship... I just don't think it's in me. It sounds stupid I know. And the die-hard-romantics out there are probably laughing at me. I'll get it back some day.

But I don't want to wait around to get hit by that bus. I don't want to go out and find a relationship but at the same time I do miss little things about it... I miss the butterflies in your stomach at the first kiss. I miss the awkwardness when you both realize how much you want to be liked by that other person. Simple touches on non-sexual places that send shivers down you spine. The daydreaming and anticipation when the person is away. I miss all of those things but everytime I see a guy who could possibly give me that... I get frustrated and don't feel that I have the capacity for it anymore...

I'm such a cynical bitch... what the hell is wrong with me?

ANYWAY!! The reason I bring this up is because I'm ready to try. I make no promises about my personal level of enthusiasm, but I really want to try.

There's a guy. He was in my class this summer and his name is Shane. I can't make any complaints. He's nice he's sweet. He's out-doorsy (me likey). He got tattoos (v. nice). He soft-spoken. I've been debating asking him out all semester... I really have. Mostly because it seems like such an obvious thing to do. But he also had a full beard. I don't mean a little hair on his chin, I mean a slightly groomed wild-man of Borneo look. Today when I saw him after class it was gone. And he also wasn't wearing his hat ... in other words beard gone, good look at the whole thing without any barriers.

I'm out of excuses. The roomie won't be home this weekend so it's not like I'm going to be doing something with her. There's a party that I'll probably go to, but there is more than one night in a weekend...

Fine, nothing left to do but suck it up and go with it. To Do List for Tomorrow: Get up on time. Look cute. Ask Shane out to do something this weekend.

Maybe that wasn't the best idea... I hardly ever follow my To Do List's anyway....
 
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YIPPEE!!!!!!   
01:14pm 17/09/2003
 
mood: jubilant
Fox Sports World has obtained the delayed residential telecast rights in the U.S. for all 48 matches of the 2003 Rugby World Cup. Matches will be aired on a 72 hour delay.

Pool Game Date on FSW Time Repeat Date Repeat Time
Opening Ceremony 10/13/2003 7 p.m. ET
A Australia vs. Argentina 10/13/2003 8 p.m. ET 10/14/2003 2 a.m. ET
C South Africa vs. Uruguay 10/14/2003 5 p.m. ET
D New Zealand vs. Italy 10/14/2003 8 p.m. ET
B France vs. Fiji 10/14/2003 11 p.m.
A Ireland vs. Romania 10/15/2003 2 a.m. ET
D Wales vs. Canada 10/15/2003 3 p.m. ET
C England vs. Georgia 10/15/2003 5 p.m. ET
B Scotland vs. Japan 10/15/2003 11 p.m. ET
A Argentina vs. Namibia 10/17/2003 3 p.m. ET 10/18/2003 2 a.m. ET
B Fiji vs. USA 10/18/2003 4 p.m. ET
D Italy vs. Tonga 10/19/2003 2 a.m. ET
C Samoa vs. Uruguay 10/20/2003 12 a.m. ET
D New Zealand vs. Canada 10/20/2003 11 p.m. ET
A Australia vs. Romania 10/21/2003 5 p.m. ET
C South Africa vs. England 10/21/2003 11 p.m. ET
B France vs. Japan 10/22/2003 2 a.m. ET
D Wales vs. Tonga 10/22/2003 5 p.m. ET
A Ireland vs. Namibia 10/22/2003 11 p.m. ET
C Georgia vs. Samoa 10/23/2003 2 a.m. ET
B Scotland vs. USA 10/23/2003 11 p.m. ET
D Italy vs. Canada 10/24/2003 8 p.m. ET
A Argentina vs. Romania 10/25/2003 4 p.m. ET
B Fiji vs. Japan 10/27/2003 2 a.m. ET
D New Zealand vs. Tonga 10/27/2003 8 p.m. ET
C South Africa vs. Georgia 10/27/2003 11 p.m. ET
A Australia vs. Namibia 10/28/2003 5 p.m. ET
B France vs. Scotland 10/28/2003 11 p.m. ET
D Italy vs. Wales 10/29/2003 2 a.m. ET
C England vs. Samoa 10/29/2003 11 p.m. ET
A Argentina vs. Ireland 10/30/2003 2 a.m. ET
B Japan vs. USA 10/30/2003 11 p.m. ET
C Georgia vs. Uruguay 10/31/2003 8 p.m. ET
D Canada vs. Tonga 11/1/2003 4 p.m. ET
A Namibia vs. Romania 11/3/2003 12 a.m. ET
B France vs. USA 11/3/2003 5 p.m. ET
B Scotland vs. Fiji 11/4/2003 5 p.m. ET
A Australia vs. Ireland 11/4/2003 11 p.m. ET 11/10/2003 2 a.m. ET
C South Africa vs. Samoa 11/5/2003 2 a.m. ET
C England vs. Uruguay 11/5/2003 5 p.m. ET
D New Zealand vs. Wales 11/6/2003 11 p.m. ET
Quarter Final 1 - Winner D vs. Runner up C 11/11/2003 8 p.m. ET 11/16/2003 11:30 a.m. ET
Quarter Final 2 - Winner A vs. Runner up B 11/11/2003 11 p.m. ET 11/15/2003 12 a.m. ET
Quarter Final 3 - Winner B vs. Runner up A 11/12/2003 8 p.m. ET 11/15/2003 2 a.m. ET
Quarter Final 4 - Winner C vs. Runner up D 11/12/2003 11 p.m. ET 11/16/2003 2 a.m. ET
Semi Final 1 - Winner QF1 vs. Winner QF2 11/18/2003 8 p.m. ET 11/18/2003 11 p.m. ET
Semi Final 2 - Winner QF3 vs. Winner QF4 11/19/2003 8 p.m. ET 11/20/2003 2 a.m. ET
3rd Place match 11/23/2003 12 a.m. ET 11/24/2003 8 p.m. ET
FINAL 11/25/2003 8 p.m. ET 11/27/2003 11 p.m. ET


thank you josephbuck!!!! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!!
 
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Let's Keep Goin'!!!   
02:12am 16/09/2003
  Okay so I told myself that I would write that last entry and then be done with it and go to bed so that I could get up in the morning and be at work at 10 like a good lil girl... but what the hell. Let's write one more, then we'll see about bed. (This journal is like that really big box of chocolate that you know you should put the lid on and forget... but you can't, you snatch one more....)

So... what is there to talk about:

"--The inescapable of sadness/depression" .... let's not go down that road, again, tonight....

"--An explanation of my family and our disjointed position".... eh, maybe....

"--Friends and happiness".... that sounds promising, but it's kinda part and parcel with the one before it....

"--An account of the Highland Festival (cause I'm sure it will merit it)."... that sounds like fun... in fact... I think that will be good for me tonight...

Okay, before I get started on this one I have a few pictures to spam my journal with from the event...

One: Me in a corset! Yes it was awkward... but damn it made my boobs look great, and me to boot!!!!



to quote my roomie's word... I think I'm quite "fuckable"


Two: The one's who popped my proverbial Renaissance fair cherry, Kam and Mel with some old dude who looked cool...




Three: Kam and I as a pseudo hobbit knight and princess... in our own lil minds....



Four: One of the shows we went to was called "The Mud Show" is was a blast with plenty of pervy jokes for my personal enjoyment factor.....




And for the grand finale... and my personal fav....
We went for the Highland Weekend, and I got my ultimate wish, a kiss and pic with a hot guy in a kilt ::swoons::

Sorry Eddie, if you were here it would be you, you know that ... but he was there and I couldn't pass up the opportunity.... couldn't....




Okay, I was going to add more but I think I'll go to bed now and dream about hotties in kilts ::shivers with excitement::

GOODNIGHT!!!!!
 
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