kitty's Journal

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

5:48PM - update

have not written in forever (it seems).
hospital was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
i see things in a whole new light, ive realized so many things, re-prioritized my life, and really grown into who i really am--all in about 2 weeks. Yeah yeah, it's still a long process to "get better" but at least im feeling some of the positive effects for once.
my meds are evening out, i can actually sleep, tom & i got back together, i'm trying to take care of myself...
things are better. not good. but better. thats pretty much all i could ask for at this point-for things to improve.

God i can't waaaait to get the hell out of here. I can't STAND being in my house, i hate being with my family-not my mom but yeah, i cant stand how catty and pathetic high school girls can be (yeah, even majority of my friends), im so over all of the rumors and the gossip, so what! people have flaws! they make mistakes! get over it! i hate when i have to listen to girls pick people apart. let it go. for the love of god.

i visited clemson unviersity, and even though its a safety for me, i want to go there soo badly--its my first choice. i wish i could go right now! it was perfect, i just want to get out of here- go somewhere else, on my terms, no one telling me how to be, not that i have a ton of that- i guess i just would love the space from this community, from my family, and from all the crap dealing with my dad. i'm soo sick of it all. and its only october.

i know it seems like i am being really negative, but im just venting, my overall perspective and views are so much clearer (and less negative and pessismistic) now.

Gr. weekend, here i come.

*kit*

Current mood: cranky
Current music: silence (besides the bickering between younger sisters..)
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

6:41PM - 1st day in hospital

today was the first day in the hospital. it was fine. i really want to get better. i leave to visit clemson this weekened. got into my safety school (Iowa). i leave friday for clemson so one more day and im done.
nothing else to say really.

Current mood: blah
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Monday, October 11, 2004

2:10PM - we broke up

3 years. we broke up. we broke up. we broke up. its because of me. as soon as i get better, we can be together. and if this time makes us realize we should be apart, then fine, but i really do love him. he still loves me. we just need this break. we need this independance before we can make things work again--if we try it again at all.
I miss him so much.
i miss him.
im going into the hospital this week. i butchered my arm so now everyones all worried. i just want to get better. i need a break from life. i just want to get better. But i really really miss tom. i love him so much and i want to get better so we can be happy together.

Current mood: depressed
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Friday, October 8, 2004

11:10PM - my filled out survey (im bored...)

name? kitty

middle? jane

what state do u live in? IL

age? 17

birthday? april 22

sign? taurus

what grade r u in? senior
what school? NT

eye color? blue

hair color? light brown

height? 5'1


FAMILY

parents first names? Ann

any siblings? yes

if so how many? 2

what are their names? Paige & Jennifer

how old r they? 15, 13

whos ur fave family member? my dogs, riley and sparky

any pets? yes

if so what kind and what are they named? boston terriers (named above)

RANDOM Q'S

where were u born? Chicago IL

what are ur schools colors? Blue & Green

what is ur schools football team named? Trevians
what kind of milk do u drink? Skim

what color is ur toothbrush? blue

how many cavities do u have if any? 4

what color is ur shower curtain? blue

what color is ur hair brush? black

what color is ur house? brown bricks

what kind of bed sheets are on ur bed right now? blue patterns from pottery barn

whats ur mouse pad look like? a football (like its shaped like it too)
whats ur biggest fear? popcicle sticks & cancer

OF UR FRIENDS WHOS...

smartest? whitney

oldest? christine

youngest? blair

dumbest? mere

cutest? faith or blair

funniest? faith or court

loudest? jessie
quietest? me

most athletic? lydia or care

prepiest? marg

most punkish? none

best dancer? carolyn

best singer? chrissy
most likely to be a stay-at-home mom? margaret

most likely to be famous? kate

has the darkest tan? care & court

lightest tan? whitney

craziest? me kate lyd court..all

flirts the most? nell...in a bad way

HAVE U EVER

lied? yes

stole from a store? no

cheated on a test? yes

been to another state? yeah

been to another country? yes

flown in a plane? yes

been to a concert(which ones)? DMB, John Mayer, Pearl Jam

been to a beach? yup

tried to kill urself? kinda

got in trouble by the police? nope

gone skinny dipping? yes

played an instrument (which one)? piano

cut urself on purpose? yes

prank called someone? yes

had sex? yes

masturbated? yeah

been in a school musical (which ones?)? nope

called 911? no

been in a physical fight? no

rode a roller coaster? yes, but i hate them

wished u were someone else? every day

Current mood: crappy
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10:54PM - depressed....again....

Wow, I'm turning into a classic depressed teenage girl. I've withdrawled from friends (honestly dont remember the last time I went out and partied, maybe in the summer?), I've stopped calling people to talk. I've lost interest in so many things. I just don't care. I'd rather just be in my bed. I can't focus. I can't do much of anything. Ana is back, so great--my mind is already beginning to be completely obsessed with calories and stuff. My effexor that I just started (Lexapro didnt work) a couple weeks ago isnt really doing anything. This is a long weekend, and i just want it to end. It's weird- i am not looking forward to anything. Any social event just seems stupid because i dont feel like "acting" or pretending, i dont feel like putting on that fake smile anymore and making small talk. I'm not happy, I can't have fun in those situations, I'm not going to drink at this point in my mental health state, so what's the point of torturing myself. Might as well just stay in. Boyfriend doesnt know what to do with me. I have plans with him, something i used to never get sick of, and i just sit there. i dont smile, i feel like im wasting his time. he doesnt know what to say. we've been together almost 3 yrs now and its like im a different person. i just sit there. nothing is fun or interesting anymore. im just bored and tired and wanna pause everything. as much as i want my boyfriend to be here, i dont, because he deserves better. im very sensitive right now to anything loud. honestly, i walk into my school, and those stupid fucking sophmores are all screaming because they havent seen each other in like 12 hours, and i wanna fucking kick em or something. noise is very aggrivating to me right now.

when i look back on this entry, i would imagine the person that wrote this (i'm saying, like if i was reading it and i didnt write it) was a girl with dyed black hair, piercings all over, gothic look, hated everyone.
no. i have (not that i connect with them much anymore) a close group of 11 best girlfriends, a loving boyfriend...i'm small, not pretty, too fat, and sick of this all. everytime i have a chance to socialize, i'll get out of it. i cant follow conversations because my comments are too negative and i dont really care that much what other people have to say.

lets hope this gets better.

Current mood: irritated
Current music: silence
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