Just some thoughts I'd like to get out   
09:49pm 20/10/2003
 
mood: nauseated
I've come to a point in my life where everything seemed to change abruptly. Partly by my own actions, partly by those of others. But what I've come to realize is, in the end you learn who your true friends are and in the end you find out who you are and know where you belong. I've spent my whole life trying to be a cameleon, to be able to fit in with almost any kind of people. Spent my life trying to show what would interest people,letting myself be drained, caring for what would make them happy and always being the one to soften things. I've spent so much time avoiding conflict, ignoring it hoping it will pass, or breaking under the pressure so as to be the sorry one, no longer wanting to fight, unable to stand feelings of anger.I just wanted every one to get along. But now, I can only do this. I can only be the person that I am and follow where my heart takes me. The ones who truely care about me will follow with me. I've lost so many friends along the way, so many turning out to be vindictive,lying,two-faced people. And it does hurt to see out of all the "friends" i once had, only a circle of a few remain. Maybe I never deserved real friends. Maybe it was my fault for allowing myself to choose and keep associating myself with these people. Maybe it was my fault for never speaking up,letting people walk over me like I did...Who can say? All I know is I've reached my breaking point and I'm walking away. I'm leaving it all behind. As for all these bad memories,I'm turning my back and let them say what they want behind it. Because it doesnt matter when they dont matter and i wont listen to it. I'm starting over, a new life. Building myself from scratch, a new person as i go, new to me and new to whoever I come in contact with. Thats the great thing about being in a new place where no one knows you or knows anyone who's known you...You can let them know only what you want and they can see the person you are without any preconceptions about you. But i'm hanging on to that small circle...Those few,my anchor. I'm just taking a moment to sit back and really appreciate those who have helped me through hard times and never judged me. Who's friendship survives even the darkest of times, thankfull that these people were here although I know I dont deserve it. And as for my opinion on anyone else....They can just fuck off. Who are they to me anyway, if they arent my friend? So yeah I'm an angry bitch now. Deal with it. LOL. Maybe I should start a chic rock band and get out my feelings,eh? XD
 
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