One week until Halloween, the day of my official wedding to my man. ::does the happy dance:: Its gonna be a nice low budget wedding. Heh. I love being poor. Money corrupts. Only take what you need, and only really need what you take. I've been feeling really sexual lately I'm hoping it lasts through the wedding night. Hoping I dont start feeling ill again. That would suck. He plans on having a very long night with me after our wedding. hehe. Gods, i love that lusty look in his eyes. He makes me feel so....like a goddess. His little sex kitten. Meow. And I am so happy to be having him for the rest of my life. I see us as that old couple who makes it known that they still get it on. LOL. I think our kid is going to hate us. We are going to be the weirdest most embarassing parents ever! We will be so cool.
Well finally we have almost everything set for the reception next saturday. just have to make a few last minute purchases. But what good is all this planning when no one is going to show? well, atleast i tried something. my tummy is pudging up a little now, i really hope it doesnt show through the dress. this is my mom's dress i'm wearing and its really old but worn twice so its in perfect condition. It has blue in it, so thats kind of out of the color scheme, although it should just be some tiny blue flowers at the seam maybe. You can even see it in the picture where my mom is wearing it, so i'm sure it's got to be not noticable.
Yesterday i felt really good for once. I thought this sickness might be finally passing. But nuuuu. today i get up, sick as all hell with a pain in my belly. i guess this kids hitting a growth spurt in there? lol. i know its supposed to be doubling in size right about now...why does being pregnant have to feel like i'm dying? lol. yes i rather do enjoy my whining. hehe. chris asked me a few days ago about how many kids do i want. i said i would like to have atleast two. and he says that he thinks there should be a ten year difference....at first i was thinking, no i'd like them to be close, so they can grow up playing together and just actually experience having a sibling. But now....pffft...ten years sounds like it would be a niiice resting time between pregnancies. lol.
I've come to a point in my life where everything seemed to change abruptly. Partly by my own actions, partly by those of others. But what I've come to realize is, in the end you learn who your true friends are and in the end you find out who you are and know where you belong. I've spent my whole life trying to be a cameleon, to be able to fit in with almost any kind of people. Spent my life trying to show what would interest people,letting myself be drained, caring for what would make them happy and always being the one to soften things. I've spent so much time avoiding conflict, ignoring it hoping it will pass, or breaking under the pressure so as to be the sorry one, no longer wanting to fight, unable to stand feelings of anger.I just wanted every one to get along. But now, I can only do this. I can only be the person that I am and follow where my heart takes me. The ones who truely care about me will follow with me. I've lost so many friends along the way, so many turning out to be vindictive,lying,two-faced people. And it does hurt to see out of all the "friends" i once had, only a circle of a few remain. Maybe I never deserved real friends. Maybe it was my fault for allowing myself to choose and keep associating myself with these people. Maybe it was my fault for never speaking up,letting people walk over me like I did...Who can say? All I know is I've reached my breaking point and I'm walking away. I'm leaving it all behind. As for all these bad memories,I'm turning my back and let them say what they want behind it. Because it doesnt matter when they dont matter and i wont listen to it. I'm starting over, a new life. Building myself from scratch, a new person as i go, new to me and new to whoever I come in contact with. Thats the great thing about being in a new place where no one knows you or knows anyone who's known you...You can let them know only what you want and they can see the person you are without any preconceptions about you. But i'm hanging on to that small circle...Those few,my anchor. I'm just taking a moment to sit back and really appreciate those who have helped me through hard times and never judged me. Who's friendship survives even the darkest of times, thankfull that these people were here although I know I dont deserve it. And as for my opinion on anyone else....They can just fuck off. Who are they to me anyway, if they arent my friend? So yeah I'm an angry bitch now. Deal with it. LOL. Maybe I should start a chic rock band and get out my feelings,eh? XD
Ok heres the low down here....I'm gonna keep track of my daily life as I go through my pregnancy. I'm going to include the hellish things that happen to me in all their blood and gore. Haha. If only my life was so interesting that I'd really think some one will read this. So here's whats happened so far anyway:
Moved down here with the love of my life, Chris, to start a new life. We both had crazy ex's in ohio we wanted to get away from. THAT is another long long story of how chris and i got together, i will have to put aside some time for that to type here. We came to Kentucky so he could be with his dad and start a new life together on our own without the dirty trash around us up north. There were a few good friends--Erica, Dennis, Lacy to name a few, perhaps the only few--and some not so crazy family members but when it all came down to it, Dayton was a shitty town...So what the hell, we decided to go down here.
Down here for a month and a half and i found out I was pregnant. It was a very happy time for us! I still can't believe i'm going to be a mommy!! I am so blessed! There was a worry though...I had heard quite a few horror stories about the redneck doctors down here, and there was only a few to choose from in my area. But luckily I found the best one was in Tennesee, and he so far seems to know what he's doing.....*gulp* I hope. teh heh. Anyway, I heard the baby's first heartbeat on september 19th, with Chris' step mom on my first doctor visit. Chris couldnt make it, he had worked late and the appointment was early in the morning. I saw an ultrasound last week, only because i had been throwing up blood and went to the doctor to make sure everything was ok with the baby. Tuesday Chris and his dad came to the doctor with me and they both got to hear the baby's heart beat. The first time it was kinda quiet and it was really fast, sounding like some one tapping there fingers on a test,or maybe a bunch of horses galloping. This last time though, it was loud, strong and steady, not as fast paced. I guess that means baby's settling in and finding a comfy place ^___^. so here I am now, about 14 weeks. The baby is due April 19th. Chris hopes it will stay in there for an extra week to be born on HIS birthday, April 27th. He says he's going to duct tape me shut...LOL...I'm like, uh no, it doesnt quite work that way. LOL. Well thats it for starters, although alot of shit has happened I would like to post here, but i'm going to give it a separate entry.