||again it goes unnoticed -dashboard
"..a part of me died today. the part that didnt know how to live"
i watched 'life or something like it' with my dad tonight cause im cool and wasnt going anywhere. it was a pretty decent movie. i even cried. 1st one since "the little princess" when i was 8. i never cry at movies. it's just it completely got me thinking about my own life and, even though i'm only 15, i've had to re-evaluate myself countless times. im always watching what i do or say or how i act or how i dress or what kind of music i listen to. because im always displeasing people. there's always something wrong with what i'm doing. so when they started talking about how angelina jolie's character wanted "people to think [she's] special" and then stockard channing goes "honey, the only one who has to think you're special is yourself." thats when i started to cry. i know this is so weak and chiche of me, but i totally understood what she was saying. it's hard though, to be yourself, when everyone's constantly telling you what you're doing is wrong. i've decided to stop caring though. i dont care anymore. i dont care if you're pissed off at me cause i talked to the person you like, or your ex-boyfriend or whoever. i dont care if you call me worthless names like 'slut' 'bitch' and 'whore' just to try and get a rise out of me. i dont care. i'm going to be happy with myself from now on. i'm gonna stop being so negative and i'm going to laugh. i need to always have people around me who can make me laugh. and if there's nobody there, i'll make myself laugh. but i can cry. i'll cry whenever the hell i want to because i can. from now on, i dont care about being well-liked. i'm katelyn. and thats it.
so enough self-empowerment. 'midsummer' rehearsals have been going well. we open next thursday (the 12th) and it should prove to be a really good show. i, for one, am really excited. the festival starts..umm..i dont know when. but i'm in it. so that should be fun as well. i really do love to act. not for the attention or being in the spotlight, but for the escape. it makes me feel so alive because for a little while, i'm not katelyn up there. i'm a character. i'm someone else. someone with objectives and ideas and words all scripted so there's no silences. it's an ideal situation-where everything's planned out before it happens. its beautiful, in a way.
it's kind of like 'predestination' hmm-maybe i'll become a Calvinist.
my classes this semester should prove to be redicuously easy. i have little to no homework every night, except that may change. well spanish is pretty fun-my class is interesting. we have some oddballs, but i've made friends with a few freshmen and 5 of us kicked ass today in a relay race we had. government & economics is so pointless. i hate it with a passion. it's such a deadbeat class. ugh. then there's gym, which is full of wanksters and these nba-all-star wannabes like dan quinn. he fucking whistled at someones ass during stretches the other day. pssh. what a douchebag.
report cards today. i got a final grade of a B- in biology which i'm quite proud of. also got an A- in english and a B in math. A's in both chorus and world civ as well. commend me.
i dont really know what to write about anymore. nothing new is going on in my life. i have nothing to rant about. no news (besides that posted above) well, this is a pretty lengthy entry. hi. [to all of you still reading this]
mr. jenkins was trying to recruit me to join spring track and field. i gracefully decined. i told him i did theatre cause i wasnt all that acthletic. the only reason he tried to get me to join was because i was power-walking back from the gym and over to the ceramics room to talk to cathleen in a period of about 5 minutes. he's a nice guy though.
wow, i've been typing for about a half an hour. that's pretty depressing. ah well-nothing better to do with my time, i suppose. alright. it's time for me to go to bed. i'm exhausted..