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'My Corduroyed Life' - Mark A's Journal
This blog isn't about sex; it's about the aftermath...
Every couple does it, whether they call it 'holding', 'snuggling', 'being together' or whatever. Gay, straight, bi: we all do it, and we all love it. I'm talking about being in someone's arms or holding someone in your arms after you've had sex. It would be a very callous and cold relationship that never had that wonderful après sex quiet moment of tenderness.
In my infinite cynicism about myself and other gay men, I'm afraid that I believe that even in this moment of tenderness, there is still an unspoken power struggle going on. I don't know if it's the same for straight people: after all, the gender roles within straight relationships are typically less fluid and complicated than those of gay people, but in this day and age, I reckon it's probably there in some form in the majority of relationships. What I mean is that by being the 'holder' or the 'holdee', is that any different from being aggressive or submissive, active or passive, or top or bottom? Does who is holding whom reflect the power within the relationship?
The way I see it (or at least in my experience) is that there are the two major types of 'in your arms': the 'spoon' (one person lies on his side, and the other lies behind him/ her in a similar position with his/ her arms around his chest), and the 'chest lying' (one person lies on his/ her back and the other lies on his/ her front with his/her head and arm resting on the other's chest). 'Spoon' is a term I've actually heard used; 'chest lying' I had to make up as I've never heard a specific noun used to describe it.
Please don't get me wrong, I love both spooning, being spooned, chest lying and having a guy chest lying on me - I just think too much. Yet I think back to the one girl I had sex with, and I always spooned her and she was always chest lying on me. The gender roles were specific and concrete, and we both liked it that way. It made me feel masculine, and it helped me ignore my desires for men. Not once would I let my guard down and consider, let alone tell her, that sometimes I wanted to be the feminine one, the vulnerable one, the one in her arms; not the one holding her. Hell, just like my desires for men, I did a damned good job of suppressing those desires too.
So if spooner reflects top, and spoonee reflects bottom, does that match my personal preferences? At least from my perspective, no, it's not that simple. I don't actually have a preference of spooner or spoonee (I'm versatile?), but I know that I need the contact, the touch, the tenderness after I've given myself to a man, and he's given himself to me. If I spoon, I cling tight, needing him. If I'm spooned, I snuggle in, desperate for him to show me that he appreciates me. For me, it doesn't matter which way the spooning happens, just that it happens. As far as my paranoid head works, if there's no après sex holding then I've done something wrong. These thoughts apply to even the most sordid of one night stands.
What I have found is that the one who is more in love with the other in a relationship (maybe I'm just unlucky, but I've never found a boyfriend with whom our level of interest in each other have evenly matched) is more likely to do the chest lying. I almost see it as exposing your vulnerability. Not that I care when I do it, after all, I'm in my man's arms and he's holding me, and that's all that matters... I only get paranoid and write overanalytical diary entries (and now blogs) once he's gone the morning after.
I have a fuck buddy who's in the Navy. I'm sure he has boys in every port, and I'm one of many in Manchester, but I don't care. We have sex, and aren't really interested in anything else. Sure, we're just about interested in the general goings on of each other's lives, but we are both perfectly aware that all we want each other for is sex. The relationship is great for the simple reason that we both know exactly where we stand: he phones me when he's in Manchester, and if I'm not doing anything, he comes round and we have sex. We have great sex, but it's rare he'll stay the night. Even so, we have the après sex holding thing, even if it's only for a couple of minutes. Even with someone who is irrevocably 'just a fuck', we both want the après sex holding.
In my one and only threesome, I spooned one of the guys, and the other guy spooned me. A spoon sandwich, if you will. Again, in another sexual encounter where it was nothing but sexual gratification, all three of us needed the après sex holding. But my brain is starting to hurt thinking about the threesome implications of après sex holding, so I'm going to hurry on.
In a straight bedroom, it's pretty usual for the woman to be the smaller of the two. This isn't always the case, obviously, but it's more likely. Whereas with gay men, I've found that if I'm the smaller of the two, I'm more likely to do the chest lying than if I'm the larger of the two. Similarly, I'm likely to be the spoonee, not the spooner if he's bigger than me. And of course, vice versa if I'm the bigger of the two. I've always subconsciously assumed that this is what will happen in the après sex holding, and as such it's almost always happened. Perhaps this is why I like to see a definite difference in height between my partners and me (doesn't matter if they're considerably taller of considerably shorter - a considerable height difference is good for me)?
I'm curious as to other people's opinions on this subject (particularly ones that aren't flippant), and would welcome replies to this blog, even if it's 'you overanalyse, Adams'. (And anyone who puts 'you overanalyse, Adams' really is the unfunniest, most unoriginal person in the world).
Have fun,
M
Current mood:
contemplative.Current music: Possibility by Medal.