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'My Corduroyed Life' - Mark A's Journal
You should probably get yourself a cup of tea before reading this epic…
As mentioned in the last blog, I had been ‘blogging’ in a WPC Document on my bro’s PC due to problems with his connection and not wanting my blurty address on my dad’s PC memory. Then I didn’t convert it to a Word file bfore emailing myself.
My lovely brother read my blog earlier, and converted the file to Word 95, then emailed it to me. He is fab, and I will now post the whole lot as one entry.
Have fun,
M
***
Things Don’t Change
I like to have constants in my life, and whenever I come back to Wolverhampton, I can bank on having some to cling to…
The following things are ten inevitabilities of staying in Wolverhampton:
1. I will argue with my dad about whether I should be ‘allowed’ to eat my dinner in front of the telly.
2. I will argue with my mum about whether or not a person in a dressing gown should be served food.
3. I will get extremely drunk nearly every night and probably puke.
4. I will ‘rediscover’ my old Doctor Who videos and watch loads of them.
5. I will wake up my dad every time I get in from a night on the booze, however quiet I try to be.
6. Within seconds of talking to my old school mates, it will be like old times, not a year on.
7. I will watch schlock horror whilst drinking too much booze at least once.
8. I will go to Imran King’s kebab shop, despite the fact I know it’ll make me more ill than the booze does.
9. I will pester my mates to go to a gay club, and they won’t go.
10. I will moan about how crap Wolverhampton is.
And, of course, I have…
***
Christmas Presents
It’s Christmas, surely at least one blog has to be about presents…
I don’t tend to really get many presents, or indeed tend to give many. I don’t do presents for mates, only a few selected family members. Also, this year I didn’t have a partner, so that’s another presents that wasn’t needed.
My brother and I go up the town together and buy presents for each other on request. It’s a somewhat crude way of doing it, but at least you get exactly what you want. It works for us, and as long as we don’t tell mom and dad that we do it, there’s no problem.
This year was a little bit sore inasmuch as the first (and easiest) present I always used to buy was the Gardeners World Diary for my Grandpa who was so very into his gardening, even into his 80s. He’s passed away now, and the yearly trip to WH Smith for that little green book is no longer a part of my life - it did make me feel a twinge of sadness. If he was right and I am wrong about religion, then he’s in a better place anyway, so I’m guessing he has his Gardeners World Diary anyway…
Despite the fact I’m 25, I still get a Santa sack with lots of little presents and one large one. My mum always excels herself in buying me something amusing and silly, and this year was no different. This years funny (along with the obligatory pair of garish boxer shorts, a book, and a random gadget) was a cushioned bog seat with the road sign ‘GO’ on it. Of course, I love it, and it’s going on the loo as soon as I get it back to Manc. Oh, and the ‘big’ present is a pair of designer specs which they are going to buy for me the next time they come to visit me in Manc (to my dismay, my eyesight has deteriorated, again – at this rate, I’ll be blind by the time I’m 40).
***
Naan
Here we go with a story about me, my mate Ben, and naan…
After the Christmas period in Wolverhampton, I always have a tale of disgraceful and childish drunken behaviour to take back with me to Manc. Be it the year I went for a poo in a graveyard, lost my balance and nose-dove into the snow face first with my naked arse in the air, or the time we sabotaged the Nativity scene to make it Gold, Frankincense and Carlsberg.
This year’s inevitable yarn comes to you from Imran King’s kebab shop after a Saturday night at The Planet. The Planet is a ‘wonderful’ dive of a place that plays music that goes Rah, and we’ve been going there for years and years (like eight, under it’s various guises). Every Christmas it’s the same: booze at someone’s house before going out, The Planet for more booze and stupid dancing, then Imran’s for a Labrador kebab.
At one point in our teens, we were in his kebab shop every Saturday, and Imran started to recognise us. We literally visit Imran’s once a year these days, and he still remembers us. “Hello my friends” he will say, and with joy in our hearts, we’ll gleefully greet him with “Imran! Hello!” We love him, despite the fact that he does things to our bowels that should be illegal.
Anyway, we arrived at Imran’s rather drunk, and ordered a collection of random scary spicy things, and proceeded to eat about 25% of it. It was at this point that Ben started throwing mint sauce soaked chips at me. I retaliated, and this escalated until we armed ourselves with naans, and chased each other around Wolverhampton town centre trying to slap each other round the face with them. I would say we were about even when we gave up. However, Pete had tag teamed with Ben, which meant I got a naan beating. The naan then became shuriken/ a frisbee for a while, until we realized we should probably go home.
At least, unlike Ben, I awoke without tomato ketchup dried on my face…
***
Which D&D Character Suits You Best?
I’ve done another test thingy…
I know I’ve managed to wean myself of these shocking wastes of time, but once in a while there is one that is actually cool. Realistically, I’m pushing it by using the word ’cool’ to describe anything associated with D&D though. Anyway, this test give you your character alignment, race, and class. I pretty much agree with the result, but would have maybe thought I’d be chaotic good…
I Am A: Neutral Good Half-Elf Bard Ranger
Alignment:
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.
Race:
Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.
Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.
Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.
Deity:
Oghma is the Neutral Good god of knowledge and invention. He is also known as the Binder of What is Known, and is the Patron of Bards. His followers believe that knowledge reigns supreme, and is the basis for everything else that is done. They wear white shirts and pants, with a black and gold braided vest, and a small, box-like hat. All priests of Oghma are known as Loremasters. Oghma's symbol is a scroll.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of
NeppyMan (e-mail)Detailed Results:
Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXX (5)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXX (6)
Lawful Neutral -- X (1)
True Neutral ---- (0)
Chaotic Neutral - (-2)
Lawful Evil ----- (-1)
Neutral Evil ---- (0)
Chaotic Evil ---- (-2)
Race:
Human ---- (-2)
Half-Elf - XXXXXX (6)
Elf ------ XXXX (4)
Halfling - XXXXXX (6)
Dwarf ---- (-3)
Half-Orc - (-7)
Gnome ---- XXXX (4)
Class:
Fighter - (-3)
Ranger -- X (1)
Paladin - (-7)
Cleric -- (0)
Mage ---- X (1)
Druid --- (-2)
Thief --- X (1)
Bard ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Monk ---- (-4)
***
Asse
Comedy punning: always a fun pass time…
If you’ve ever bought a copy of Viz (or indeed have an irritating friend who email forwards something crap to you every day), you’ll have seen the amusing foreign food names like ‘Cock Soup’ ‘Pshhhit Lemonade’ and ‘Fanny Tuna’. Well, Chris and Angharad live in Japan, and brought me a present back: a box of ‘Asse chocolate’. Seriously, asse is a type of choccy in Japan.
They presented me with my asse the other day in front of a number of friends. So I offered my asse to Pete, Chris, Angharad, Ben, Charlie, my brother David, and David’s Mrs Laura. Everyone had a good taste of my ass, and all said that they enjoyed its chocolatey goodness.
Being the puerile children that we are, we had fifteen minutes of asse jokes. For example:
“I never had so many people have my asse in one night before.”
“That is some sweet ass, Mark.”
“Open up my asse box and take out some chocolate.”
“Hello Charlie, would like my asse?”
“Did you enjoy my asse, Pete?”
“Open the box and take a look inside my asse.”
“Does anyone want some more of my asse?”
&c, &c
Well, I found it funny…
***
So there you go, a week's worth of Wolverhampton blogs...
I'm still bloody ill (but not as bad), so it may end up being a sober NYE, or I'll just fuck it and get drunk anyway. We'll see how it goes.
So I guess this is it for 2003, so Happy New Year to all my readers!
Have fun,
Mark
Current mood:
okay.Current music: Auld Lang Syne?.