 |
Journal | Friends | Calendar | User Info | Memories |
'My Corduroyed Life' - Mark A's Journal
I am often guilty of cut and paste crimes. By this, I mean writing something by vutting and pasting something else I've done, and editing it as opposed to writing something new. I am therefore reaching new heights of cut and paste crimes by simply not hiding the fact that what I'm about to cut and paste below is well over two years old, and I'm not bothering to update them.
It's all 'THE Bwmio' (private joke - don't ask) John Leckie's fault, anyway. He said he actually liked the Great Munchie Dilemma, and so I'm posting my kebab reviews from the same (deceased) website up on this thing, just because I can.
And while I think about it with reference to the Munchie thing: thanks to Mark Hayes for Will's email address. I'm sure I'll drop him a line one of these months.
Have fun,
M
Kebab Reviews
(By Mark Adams)
The kebab: a traditional part of the ritual that is a Saturday night out. These things seem so repulsive when sober, yet, in a strange phenomenon akin to the infamous affliction known as “beer goggles,” ‘babs are suddenly the most desirable food in the world.
These reviews are dedicated to the long-suffering kebab shop owners who have tolerated me and other drunken fools at ridiculous hours every Friday and Saturday. These people are pillars of the community in any town, and (depending how drunk I am), I love them more than my own mother.
There are many things to think about when considering the star rating of a kebab. Type of kebab: after all, donner and chicken are very different delicacies; some establishments offer exotic mixes of the two or chicken tikka versions. Price: If you’ve spent more money than you’d care to remember drinking yourself silly, you need your ‘bab to be cheap. Meat: the quintessential part of a kebab. Salad: the underrated part of the beauty of a ‘bab. Sauces: whether you like mayonnaise, mint or chilli, a ‘bab without sauce is like Mr. Benn without *ping* the shopkeeper. Miscellaneous: does the kebab shop owner have a familiar greeting, is it served in naan rather than pitta, are there seats to dump the drunken friend you are carrying? All these things add to the kebab experience.
Name of Establishment: Imran King’s, Wolverhampton
Type of Kebab: Chicken Tikka
Star Rating: *****
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£3.50 but remember, it IS chicken tikka.
Meat:
Faultless! Massive pieces of chicken, and loads of it. Beyond that, when a piece was bitten in half, the marinade had to be seen to be believed! It was over half a centimetre thick! Char grilled too, none of your microwave bollocks!
Salad:
Lettuce is fresh and crisp; onions are very flavoursome.
Sauces:
The mint sauce is magnificent, and the chilli is hot enough for even the most irritating of “I can eat spicier food than you” people. Imran gives you exactly the right amount of each too: enough to make the ‘bab flavoursome, but not too much that would make the pitta soggy.
Notes:
Imran is the greatest person in the world: he will greet you as you walk in with “Hello, my friends!” and if he knows you will present you with free food while you decide on which ‘bab to have.
The smell of your belches and farts in the morning have to be smelt to be believed. It is more than possible to stink the whole of a generously large lounge.
Name of Establishment: Spices of Kashmir, Salford
Type of Kebab: Chicken
Star Rating: *****
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£2.20, an absolute steal!
Meat:
Beautiful: grilled over hot coals while you wait. Lots of it too.
Salad:
Perhaps a little too much, but it is nice stuff.
Sauces:
An interesting peach coloured sauce of unknown name adds a little something to the ‘bab. The mint is nice, if somewhat sparse.
Notes:
I can’t say how nice this ‘bab is! It is served in naan bread, which adds a nice slant, and the spiciness is just right. What makes this particular kebab special is that they actually taste even nicer when sober!
Name of Establishment: Charlie’s Fish Bar, Wolverhampton
Type of Kebab: Donner
Star Rating: ***
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£3
Meat:
A generous helping, but it tends to be over cooked. They leave it too long on the rotator thingy.
Salad:
Average.
Sauces:
This is what makes this kebab special. The chilli sauce is by far the hottest 'bab sauce I have ever tasted. You can see the pieces of chilli in the sauce. It will change your perceptions of the spiciness available in a kebab.
Notes:
Grumpy staff means that it loses a star.
Name of Establishment: Turkish Delight, Wolverhampton
Type of Kebab: Chicken
Star Rating: ***
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£3.50
Meat:
Ridiculous amounts: they just keep going with that riffy electric knife they just used on the donner. Pretty average taste wise though.
Salad:
A little stingy with the lettuce, cucumber and tomato, but this can be ignored by the fact that they put whole chillies into the ‘bab.
Sauces:
Chilli sauce is somewhat redundant with whole chillies in the ‘bab, but the mint has a stronger flavour than most other mint sauces.
Notes:
Satisfyingly large, if somewhat average. Try and impress friends by removing the chillies and eating them whole!
Name of Establishment: The Canadian Charcoal Pit, Withington (Manchester)
Type of Kebab: Donner
Star Rating: *
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£2.50
Not expensive for a good kebab, but this is NOT a good kebab. You’d have to pay me to have another one of these!
Meat:
You’d be lucky to find it! Extremely stingy portion, and what there is was rather undercooked and make me feel quite ill.
Salad:
Far too much and poor quality.
Sauces:
Sauces? Hell, no! Not in this place! I asked for “the works” on my ‘bab, and if there was sauce, I couldn’t taste it! Dry as bone this ‘bab!
Notes:
What can I say apart from this kebab was shite? This place is a burger specialist, and by hell, you can tell with the disgraceful excuse for a ‘bab that they present you with. Maybe their burgers are magnificent, but it’s ‘babs we care about, right? Not only was the ‘bab bloody awful, the service was extremely slow too. Any self-respecting ‘bab eater, will avoid this sacrilegious place!
Name of Establishment: Monsoons. Oxford Road, Manchester.
Type of Kebab: Lamb Tikka
Star Rating: ****
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£3.20
A fair price.
Meat:
Well, I’d never heard of lamb tikka before! Have to admit it looked a hell of a lot like doner on the spit and in the ‘bab. However, I was pleasantly surprised; it was very much like doner but you could tell most definitely that it had been tikka marinated. Very tasty! Just about the right amount of it in each ‘bab as well.
Salad:
About the right amount of salad. Pleasant, but nothing particularly noticeable.
Sauces:
Some very interesting colours, but ultimately not that noticeable either. Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing wring with the sauces or the salad, but they weren’t anything out of the ordinary.
Notes:
Served in naan, which is always nice. This is certainly a kebab to try because of the fact it’s lamb tikka. The service is quick, but strange. You pay one bloke for a bit of paper, and move on to another bloke. From there, you exchange your bit of paper for your ‘bab. A nice idea that impressed me was that fact that they wrap up your ‘bab as usual, but then put it inside a small plastic bag. This is wonderful: no dripping of the bizarre coloured sauce on your trousers, like with unprotected kebabs. Nice touch, I thought.
Name of Establishment: Continental, Withington, Manchester.
Type of Kebab: Chicken.
Star Rating: **
Reviewer: Mark Adams
Price:
£3. A fair price.
Meat:
There is a nice amount of meat, but sadly it isn’t that awe inspiring. The meat is bland, and the marinade sadly quite tasteless.
Salad:
Again, it’s okay, but not awe inspiring.
Sauces:
The taste doesn’t do the interesting colours justice.
Notes:
A very average kebab. This place is a pizza specialist, and you can tell. However, what I will say is that their pizzas are absolutely magnificent whether you’re drunk or sober. The “Meaty One” is a particularly impressive one, and the inevitable uneaten half makes a great breakfast whereas you have to throw away a ‘bab.
Current mood: I suddenly feel hungry....
Current music: The Chauffer by The Deftones.