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'My Corduroyed Life' - Mark A's Journal
As you do working in an office with email, I received a ‘forward’ from a colleague today (you know the sort, a joke or picture that made you do something resemble laugh, so you forward it to all your friends you’ve ever had, instead of bothering to ever write to them and actually tell them how things are going in your life). Now, I laughed, but I then thought about what I’d laughed at, and thought it was a bit snide. Have a read…
FW: Mills & Boon – Absolute Quality
This is an extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures...
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baaaaaaa' and rejoined the flock.
(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)
That can be construed as racist. However, the guy who sent it to me is a Kiwi… so that makes it alright, right?
Hmmm… I crack gay jokes all the time, and Lenny Henry has made a career and a lot of money out of cracking jokes about people from the Midlands and black people. So it’s okay to joke about it if you fit in that group, then? What if the joke had been cracked by someone who isn’t in your ‘group’? Does that make it unacceptable?
I laugh when things are funny… fuck PC!
It doesn’t matter who tells the joke, as long as it is just that: a joke.
You can just *tell* when someone actually *means* something like that with malice…
I think PCness has gone too far. People are so oversensitive about their own ‘group’ that they pigeonhole themselves in it, and they don’t see the similarities that they have with other people any more. I’ve been guilty of this in the past, but I really, really try not to any more.
Have fun,
M
Current mood:
contemplative.Current music: "One Man Woman" from last night.
Yo,
Here's something I found in the deepest, darkest most forgotten depths of the silly amount of folders in my 'My Documents'. I wrote this for a drinker's website run by a friend of mine, Will Masters, with whom I used to play Dungeonworld (see http://www.madcentral.com for details). Sadly, we've lost touch which is a real shame as I always got on well with Will and enjoyed his company. Must try his old email address some time and see if it still works...
Anyway, before I get all emotional at the loss of a friend, let's talk about "The Great Munchie Dilemma." It's daft, I wrote it a about 2 years ago, and it's very much me and my style... enjoy.
M
The Great Munchie Dilemma.
There comes a time in everyone’s life, when they start to experiment with what “consumable” (and that term is used loosely) to buy après a big night out. It is an interesting phenomenon that comes to most of us when we least expect it. You go into the usual kebab shop, and are about to say “I’ll have a donner with the works, mate.” But suddenly, you think that perhaps you might try the chicken donner this time because you’ve got enough money. This one thought, is the precipice of the slippery slope that is the great munchie dilemma.
Once that different kebab is purchased, your two o’clocks on a Friday/ Saturday night will never be the same again. Suddenly, the whole kebab shop is your horizon! You start to notice that they actually do other stuff apart from donner! They do pizzas, burgers, even southern fried chicken! From this point, every drunken night ends with five minutes of indecision in the kebab shop. Beware the great munchie dilemma!
After becoming a sufferer of the great munchie dilemma, you start to weigh up which greasy, unhealthy, item of “food” to buy every time you go to the kebab shop. You have just added another difficulty to your life.
There is the classic: the old faithful donner kebab. The donner always has been the favourite. This national institution, inedible when sober, is always tempting because it somehow becomes the tastiest thing around when you are drunk! Then there are the spin offs from donner: chicken kebabs, mixed kebabs, shish kebabs, chicken tikka kebabs. The attraction of these is the “I wonder what that one’s like” factor of them.
McDonalds is closed when you leave the pub, and so many think that burgers are not an option. However, someone who has gone through the great munchie dilemma knows different. Many kebab shops sell burgers as well as kebabs! The difference between these burgers and the ones from McDonalds is that there might actually be some meat in these ones (but it's doubtful). Something to note is that while most kebabs are impossible to finish and end up abandoned in your lounge/ bedroom stinking your whole house it in the morning, a burger is usually just enough to fulfil your munchie hunger desire levels.
The little known chip naan is a kebab alternative that is gaining momentum. Pretty much exactly what the name suggests, this delicacy is a portion of chips, served in a naan. To anyone who is not a connoisseur of chip naans, this could be assumed to be “stodge on stodge.” However, with the marriage of chips, naan, plus tomato ketchup, the stodge is lessened, and one has a tasty alternative to the traditional kebab.
Southern Fried Chicken, or “the cheapest, most gristly bit of chicken you can get that has been disguised in a cheap breadcrumb batter with dodgy spices in” is something that has been around for a while. In fact, before the discovery of kebabs, I purchased this regularly because it was 99p with chips. Returning to it a few years later somewhat tarnished the nostalgic image I had. The joke “Labrador and chips” surely isn’t that far away from the truth. When drunk it is almost edible; when sober, you realise exactly how awful it really is.
The most tempting of all rivals to the kebab in the great munchie dilemma is the pizza. Many establishments do the “10 inch pizza with two toppings for £2 something” deal. An absolute steal! The beauty of a late night pizza is that when you inevitably don’t finish it, you can put what is left in the fridge for breakfast. I mean, if you put a kebab in the fridge, it would take a month for the smell to go and certainly wouldn’t taste nice in the morning (it’d probably make you retch in your delicate state). Whereas a cold pizza in the morning is just what the muncher ordered.
To conclude, the great munchie dilemma poses many questions. Why did I ever buy kebabs? Why are kebabs so expensive in comparison to other products from you local, friendly kebab shop? Why do the shop owners stop open to serve these things to drunken fools? However, one must ask oneself, does one strike against tradition and go for one of the pretenders to the kebab’s throne, or do we stick with the old favourite? That question, I cannot answer, and we all have to find our answers and all have to face the great munchie dilemma.
Current mood: Chilled.
Current music: Vanessa Mae - Red Hot.